There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature. The assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winter.
Rachel Carlson
It's apparently spring, but looking outside today, one would think it's mid-December. It's hard to feel encouraged about tulips and green grass when it's a winter wonderland scene out every window. Again. But in typical Michigan fashion, you blink, and boots turn to flip flops, sweaters turn to tee shirts, and the temperature soars from 34 to 43. Nope, that wasn't a typo. HaHa, not to worry. We've been through this before, and it always turns to summer eventually!
We'll get there. The sun just needs a little encouragement. The greeter at the store last week was cheerfully waving at everyone walking out, saying, "Here comes the sun! Have a great day everyone!" I don't know about the rest of the customers, but she made me smile. We all need a little encouragement sometimes. To smile, to shine, and sometimes to just want to get out of bed. I get out of bed for coffee, but sometimes I peek out to see if the sun is shining first! It makes a difference!
I thought about encouragement a lot this past month. As I sat quietly and a bit distantly with some family at the viewing for my mother-in-law, I looked around at all the different types of encouragement. Some people need to talk, walking around and shaking hands or hugging one another. Some need to sit quietly with their thoughts. Some offer encouragement by walking in the door, offering support quietly, and then walking out again. It comes in all forms, but no one should decide what kind of encouragement or support is "best" or even "right".
When we expect people to act a certain way, we're expecting them to "do as we do," and we're not accepting them as they are, and for who they are. As I got teasingly called out for "hiding in a corner," I thought to myself, honestly, if there was a place to hide, I'd be there. As a person who likes to hide her emotions, a nice dark corner would be lovely. Is there a rule book for how to act at all these difficult life things? It's not a social event. It's not a party. It's not a place where we're feeling jovial and outgoing. And to be honest, if you are a jovial and outgoing person, and that's what you bring, then good on you, because that is what can be needed at these times! But for me, after all we had gone through for the two days before, I had made my rounds, and I was just being quiet, approachable and warm, and my presence wasn't about me. Sometimes people are tired, not feeling well, have just had a bad day, or whatever. If we just accept them as they are, it makes it easier for people to just be themselves in whatever condition in which they show up. I guess years of needing this acceptance is why it is easier for me to spot it when it is needed, but I think everyone needs it, whether they show it or not. We need each other, and I believe God designed us this way for a reason. Our expectations, so needlessly placed on others, keeps us from accepting them as they are. It puts a big wall between them and us.
As I've written here before, everyone handles loss and the impending grief differently. Some people attending these types of things are very uncomfortable around mourning people or around death in general. They may be dealing with their own confusing feelings, and not very adept at responding to the unknown feelings of all of the people around them. It can create anxiety in certain people. I know my good friend, Norm calls me out for this, but it really is about LOVE. I'm sorry, Norm, but if we stay in "love mode," it makes it all the more difficult to be negative and cantankerous. Negative thoughts won't become words at all, and they won't affect people. If we just put the love on and leave everything else behind, it's all good. Isn't life easier when we just love people and we're not always trying to fit them into our own expectations? It's okay to cry, not cry, laugh, not laugh, sit, not sit, eat, not eat, and it's especially okay and delightful to see precious great-grandchildren giggling and playing. They lifted so many spirits those two days! I'm not offended by the teasing, by the way, but I recognized how it bothered me and brought to mind other instances where I've been called out for being too "me."
The more I think about encouragement, the more it leads me to acceptance, and when someone feels accepted, they just feel loved. Like, hey, you don't have to be anything different or better, or fix this or that. I just like you the way you are! This is the Fred Rogers way, and why he was so popular on TV! This morning the enemy had a little field day with my mind, and said, "hey, remember all those people who rejected you? I can list their names for you...here we go!" And on and on the old names were flashing in my mind. Yep, I had their acceptance at one point in my life and now I do not. They also had mine, and probably still would. I never stopped my love, I just noticed when theirs disappeared, and so I moved along. The enemy wanted me to ruminate about it and wonder if it was something I said, something I wrote, something I did or didn't do, blah blah blah, but I finally quieted the lies.
Love is a revolving door. People come, people go, and the ones who stay are meant to stay, and there is peace in looking forward without malice. I don't slam the door on relationships or people, and I welcome people into my life who want to be here. I'm not perfect, and I am far from being the social butterfly I once was, but I try, despite my shortcomings, to be a friend. In fact, my dear friend, Patty and I spent over an hour on the phone last week trying to get caught up. I adore friends who don't place constraints and expectations on me to do, to be, to whatever, but who just allow me to be myself, even if that doesn't fit into their idea of "friend." We've managed to be friends for over 45 years now because we've always just loved each other as is through all the mountains, valleys, and changes in life.
I remember saying in a low moment to good friend Norm, "I feel alone." He said plainly, "I've been here the whole time." He was right. I was so fixated on all the people who walked away that I didn't see the ones who had been standing there by my side the whole time. Let's not get in the habit of rearview-mirroring our lives. That's one way to miss out on everything good in life. If it's one thing I've managed to take away is that the best way to be satisfied in any relationship is to focus on what you have to give, and not what you're going to get back. Know how to handle the actions that harm you, whether you caused them yourself, or they were brought on by someone else. Know when to apologize, accept an apology, forgive, and know how to respond to a person's pain appropriately. That last one, right? That could be a whole book, and probably is. As much as I encourage you to listen to others, I implore you to also listen to yourself. When I become a little more self-aware about my own shortcomings, then I am more able to make changes. With God's help, we can be directed to the qualities that help us to encourage others, and the traits that He knows are keeping us from a better relationship with others.
We can't change people, but we can change ourselves, and if we put as much energy into changing ourselves as we do thinking about what we want other people to change, wow-we would be amazing! We can heal from the things we think have broken us. We don't have to be a "hot mess express" with no redemption! I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 We can feel hurt from the ones who left us, but know that if we have God, we already have a friend who will never leave. When God removes people from our lives that we never imagined losing, we have to take a look from God's point of view. Sometimes the answers will be much clearer there.
That's all I have for today. It's been a pleasure sharing my snowy spring thoughts with you, friends. Hope you're enjoying warm sunshine and flowers, wherever you are, and may you be encouraged by the love of the Lord, who provides all you need.
