Nine Nine O Nine

This really has nothing to do with today's date, although because I watch numbers, it is pretty cool for me. I don't think it holds any significance at all, it just sounds fun...nine nine o nine! So, I will say it all day.

Our school year WAS off to a great start yesterday. Both girls, especially Serena, had a great day at school. Nothing went wrong. Everything went right. Happy Happy Happy.

We headed to Midland for their haircuts after school...we were a bit early, so I swung over to Wal-Mart for some more 5 cent notebooks, scrapbook paper, and the new Miley Cyrus CD. I had a great plan and it would have worked too.

So, the haircuts turn out great, the girls are still happy...dinner. Happy still! Clean up after dinner...well, anyone's happiness tends to wane when chores come along. My plans for the notebooks and scrapbook paper began to fade. Dun Dun Dun...

Natalie has a whole new schedule, and she's in band this year. So she says, I have band tomorrow. I don't know where I'm supposed to go. (Oh, no, not this again) I say, well, did you ask? Apparently not. I tell her, why don't you call Grace and ask her? Her face falls. (here we go!) I leave her to the task of calling her friend, whose number I wrote down for her. I had some things to do, and I admit, I was a bit irritable, as I have been awakened by pee pee dog for 4 nights in a row, so I have not had a good night's sleep for quite a long time. So, I knew I'd have to dig deep for patience. I walk back in. Did you call her? (knowing she didn't) She gives me the look. Pouty, sad, best friend died kind of look. (get ready) Why won't you call her? The tears fall, the incoherence begins. You know I am afraid to use the phone! I'm an idiot! I know I'll never keep any friends because I don't call them! I know it's stupid! I don't want to do it! And the rest is hysteri. The drama continues (no, I am not callous, she just needs to get over this). The tears and drama elevates, as I am calmly trying to explain that if she's not willing to call her friend, we will just have to find out when we get to school. This creates even more wailing. You won't bail me out! I don't know what to do! I don't want to look stupid! Eveyone will laugh!

Now, I was 11 once, and I know how real this situation was for her, but she was getting herself so worked up, I couldn't even reason with her. She interrupted me so many times, I finally just left Steve to deal with her. Poor guy. He had to follow her outside, where she was running shoeless to the treehouse. All over not knowing where to go for band. Can anyone say hormones? I am not laughing at her, by the way. I was truly pained by her behavior. I was frustrated beyond belief because I know all it is is fear, and fear can be paralyzing. She was letting it paralyze her. Believe me, I was trying to encourage her without babying her, and it was getting so difficult. Finally Steve told her she needed to go lay on her bed and get very quiet. It worked. Why didn't I think of that, is all I want to know.

So, she settled down, satisfied with the assurance that I would walk in with her today, which I did. Now, I will back up. Because of all her crying, she was extremely tired, and not prepared for today. So, she was running late. Serena was waiting in the van for a full ten minutes. I called the school (here's the bailout) and asked where to take the band students. They tell me after checking around, it's over at the old school. Okay. No problem. I will drop off Serena first since she was on time, then I will take Nat over to the old school. It was 8:16. The tardy bell rings at 8:20. Did I mention how terrified Natalie is of being late as well? She's terribly worried about so many things...it's got a life of its own at this point, and has me in knots sometimes. So, I trust what the office tells me, and take her to the old school. No one is there. All the while, she's lugging her saxophone telling me how heavy all of her stuff is. I don't offer to take it from her. She's got to learn. (mean mom? No. I don't want a spoiled kid- judge me who cares) So, we drive back over to the ele school, me sputtering all the way. Didn't help her to hear me sputtering I'm sure. So, I walk her to her home room, where I find out, she's supposed to be in gym. What? Is that what that meant on her schedule (band-gym)? I didn't get it. I assumed band meant band. Then gym meant gym. So I go over and tell Nat, go to gym. Her worry? Did everyone else bring their instruments to school? Too worried that she'd look like "an idiot". It's sad to me to see her struggling, but I know this is part of growing up, and we all go through it. It's not all fun and games, this hormone stuff. She doesn't want to grow up. She tells me this often. She wants to be a kid, though she's outgrown the 7-16 sizes now. She doesn't want to shave her legs (and no is telling her to). She is annoyed by the responsibilities of growing up, and seems to be fighting it every step of the way.
Tonight, I am sure we'll have a talk about how to cope with these little surprises and how to deal with these fears she has. I truly pray we can get her to a place where she embraces change and can roll with the punches a bit better. She tells us all the time, I don't like to roll with the punches. (life will be tough for her until she gets this) Tonight, I will have her do an exercise. I will have her write on the left side of the page things she is worried about. On the right, I will have her write out a solution. I will pray for her, and guide her, but I can't take it all away, and it wouldn't be good if I tried to fix everything for her. As much as I wanted to swoop in and help her, just as badly, I wanted her to do it herself.

As great a kid as Natalie is, she is just that. She's a kid. Growing up stinks. We all know this. I'm approaching 40, and do I want to embrace change? Not so much, but I will because I know it's good for me. She knows we love her and want what is best for her, and she knows we want to see her conquer her fears and succeed. We don't want anything to stand in this girl's way, as in my opinion, both of my girls are "destined for greatness".