Chronically Worthy

 Happy New Year, I think...

I've been taking some time away from here, but not time away from my writing, of course. Between sickness, another wedding, and sickness before and during the wedding (yeah, that was me), holidays, and life in general, it got really crazy between September and now. 

I began the new year with an intense Interstitial Cystitis flare, and what that means if you don't know what that condition is, is intense pain in the bladder area with little to no relief for days on end. It taxes me physically, mentally, and in every other way. 

I can't speak for others who deal with chronic illnesses, but I have heard others describe it that same way, and my heart goes out to them. While we should not and cannot compare our life situations, feelings, physical conditions, or any other "thing" with one another, we should hold space for those who suffer in any way. Suffering seems to be a common thread we all share these days. John 13:34 A new command I give you: Love one another.  Supporting and loving people through pain is one way to help them heal. 

I came back here briefly to share a website that I came across while scrolling the internet, looking for help for a family member going through a serious illness. I found what I needed, but I also found something I needed too. 

 It's not always easy to talk about pain. There will be people who dismiss it because it makes them uncomfortable. Compare it, because there is "always someone worse off than you, doncha know?" Or my favorite, "but you don't look sick, you were fine yesterday," and all the ones that fit in that category. Or "people who don't talk about their pain are so strong!" Here's the problem, no one should be judging anyone else's pain. Ever. 

Pain is pain. It is there to express–physically, emotionally, spiritually. If you feel safe to express it, I hope the person on the other end is lovingly receiving it and nurturing you in a way that makes you feel supported and heard. A broken leg is understood, right? People often get up out of a chair so that person can sit. Rides are offered, and casseroles are made. But when those of us with invisible illnesses walk in a room, it is just that-invisible. We need to be able to share, because the things that we feel in our bodies can be pretty hard to handle in the mind. We feel that because we "look fine on the outside," we won't be understood for the pain we are experiencing, and it's because we've been shut down for it many times. People who have chronic pain are often accused of taking too many pain medications. That may be so, and there are those of us where pain medications are not even effective and we still get side-eyed at the doctor's office because we have chronic conditions and mention pain. This, among many other reasons is why we don't get to judge other people and their pain. WE don't know the story, let alone the whole story. I know my story, and I know that I appreciate being understood. It just makes life easier for me. 

And why is it so important that pain is understood? I'm learning that it has to do with pride, performance, and purpose. Because we want people to know that we aren't doing something in the world because we're sick, not because we can't. It matters what people think because we think we're being measured by others and not by what GOD thinks. That's a big oops, and yet pain is what makes that so much more evident. Pain makes me more aware that the purpose I have in this world is somehow diminished because I can't do this and I can't do that, and I haven't even thought that maybe that pain is for something bigger because the pain keeps me from everything and everyone, so how could it? Pride keeps us working toward an image in our minds that we think we and others have of us, instead of the one God has for us, and I'll be the first to admit it is a hard lesson. The world is a messed up place!

I believe God heard the cry of my soul, because somehow I came across a website called chronic-joy.org. Tears came to my eyes as I read the description of the Christian woman who is behind it, and the challenges she faces. As I read the titles of the materials that are available, I suddenly felt another human being understood the battles I face alone. The loss of hope, and constant seeking of my worth among a world that bases success on outward accomplishments. 

 There are days I am on the mountain, and days I am in the valley. There are helpful lessons in both. There also needs to be love and purpose in both. Yes, God is always there, even when I feel alone in my pain, and some people in pain experience a loneliness that can't be explained. I will keep seeking my healing and keep praying for the ones around me who are also dealing with illnesses, conditions, and judgments beyond their control. Job 42:10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before. 

God bless you if this is your journey, and check out the website at www.chronic-joy.org for more information. 

Driving Lessons

 If you want to know more about a person's personality, ride in a car with them. One thing I've learned is that you can quickly surmise a person's boundaries while doing so. For example, how do they respond when being cut off in traffic? How do they react when someone is tailgating them? What is the general reaction when someone blares their horn while passing by, due to some unknown or known infraction? Now turn this around, what is YOUR personality when you are in the driver's seat? 

How patient are people on the road? Are they obeying speed limits? Using turn signals? Paying attention to upcoming construction zones and lane closures? Moving over for emergency vehicles? Parking between the lines or parking willy-nilly? Parking in tow zones or accessible/reserved parking spaces? And the one that really confounds me is when people flash their lights at me and I don't even drive with my brights on. I don't flash my lights at people for this reason. I also have a sensitivity to flashing lights, so this is a no-no on every level. Just look to the right if bright lights are coming toward you. It's not that hard to figure out our own solutions to these problems. Ephesians 4:26 In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. It gives the enemy pleasure to see people letting their worst self come out on the roadways. Have you ever been out to lunch with a perfectly pleasant person only to see them turn into the Hulk on the road? Proverbs 8:13 To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech. Counsel and sound judgment are mine; I have understanding and power. 

Some people would be a lot more peaceful if they paid attention to their own driving and not so much what others were doing, for sure. I think of a funny video where the little girl is saying, "Worry 'bout yourself...you drive!" to her father, and it's hilarious, but also true. Yes, we do need to 'worry about ourselves', but also be considerate and courteous to other drivers out there. Something I remember hearing is to never react rudely while driving because you never know who that other driver is. It  doesn't matter who that driver is. We just don't need to be acting like jerks on the road whatsoever.  If your family member or friend is on the road and makes a mistake, do you want someone going off on them? My girls used to hate being honked at when they first learned to drive. I think honking is rude unless someone is alerting you that you are moving into their lane or pulling out in front of them. But sitting at a stop light for a millisecond too long? Sir or madam, please. How long do you spend in the bathroom each day? It's going to be okay. Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. I may be sarcastic about it, but I really think people do get their bloomers in a knot over silly things when driving. 

One rule I remember about my old driving education is to leave plenty of space between my car and the car ahead of me. It was something like for every 10 miles per hour, allow that amount of car lengths. I don't know what the recommendations are now, but I am still very conscientious about the distance between myself and the cars ahead of me, whether in freeway traffic or driving in a small town. This boundary has saved me many times from being part of a chain reaction accident, simply because I had plenty of time to stop when a sudden braking incident occurred in front of me. And anyone who has traveled on certain Michigan freeways knows this happens frequently and who even knows why. I just want to get home safely and with no lives lost. Everyone seems to think they just need to "get there faster." Call me too analytical, but I want to know why. Maybe leave earlier? I don't know...is this just my old self slowing down? Was I this fast 30 years ago? 

This is a boundary that I don't appreciate being violated. People seem to think that because I have left that wonderful spacious car length ahead of me, that it is for them to converge upon and make it their own. No, sir or madam, that is my safe space, and you are now in it, rent-free. This is also a pet peeve of Steve's. Hello, I know you want to get to Wal-Mart just two seconds faster, but the question is why? It allows for a lot of car stand-up (sit down?) comedy routines. All the things that are surmised while wondering what the people who squeezed in ahead of us are in such a hurry to buy. Mayonnaise? A rain poncho? Maybe a Snickers bar for that grouchy tummy? Proverbs 17:22 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. 

There is a lot of road rage going on and has been going on for years. I don't care to incite it, or be reactive to it. It does make me a little crazy because I don't want to die. I've seen many car to car fights on the freeway, and all I want to do is get past them quickly. Help us, Lord. But this is why we all need boundaries on the road. We need to keep ourselves and others safe. The redheaded man who jumped OUT of his vehicle to confront another on the freeway was on another level of scary. We were in a traffic jam, unfortunately, and just had to pray that nothing was going to happen to anyone. This pervasive pride that is driving down our roads is going to end us if we don't get our hearts right. Proverbs 16:18 Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.  

The world is going faster and faster, and with that people are driving faster and faster. When you don't slow down and think, you're bound to make more mistakes. When you take corners too fast, you don't have time to correct. When you don't decide ahead of time where you're going, you're going to make quick turns, wrong exits, and maybe end up on the wrong end of town. It's perfectly okay to make mistakes, but when we give ourselves limits, we are better equipped to correct and regroup. James 1:2-5 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

In life, I try to leave myself a lot of space, because although people like to criticize it, I do have occasional depression and a little more anxiety, like many people experience across the globe. I need that open space to get myself back on track sometimes. In that space, I need to have order, peace, time to pray and study, and something other than go-go-go, think-think-think, do-do-do. My spirit needs time to recharge so that my body has time to heal. People who have chronic illnesses will understand this. When we are under stress or duress, our bodies pay the price. When anything tries to take the space that I have created in order to heal, I have to demand it back. My health and my life depends on it. I need room between me and the next big "problem" or the next big "thing." I think most people do but if their bodies don't react in sickness, they may never make that connection. They just keep piling on and piling on, never understanding why their fuse is shorter and shorter, and their time is even more limited for the things that matter in life. Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Suffice it to say that when I am dealing with a lot of anxiety, it is even harder for me to slow down and even spend the quality time I need with the Lord. Like the roundabouts I despise with a passion, anxiety is much like a vicious circle that I contend with often. 

Boundaries help us by realizing we need healthy space between us and other things. Even good things and sometimes other people. When we are finally alone, we can hear not only ourselves, but we can sense with our spirits what God may be trying to impart to us. We are not meant to go-go-go and do-do-do, which is why cutting people off, honking and crashing is not where we succeed. People respond to our grace and our humility. We will respond positively to our own grace and humility as well. 

We personally thrive when we finally let God drive. I am letting go of the wheel and letting go of the need to be right with all the rules, and allowing God to choose the route. Only He knows how to keep me between the lines and on the right path. Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. 

We are all Samsons

 Samson was born of a sterile and childless mother. Judges 13:3 The angel of the LORD appeared to her and said, "You are sterile and childless, but you are going to conceive and have a son. It's not the first time God brought about a miraculous birth to a previously childless couple. God had a specific purpose for Samson and gifted him with everything he would need to carry it out--godly parents, unusual physical strength, and the blessings and authority of the Lord. Samson was a Nazirite--a person who took a vow to be set aside for God's service for his entire lifetime. His purpose was to be a great leader for Israel against the Philistines. I used to think this was one of the craziest stories in the Bible as a child. His hair was his strength?? Well, his strength came from the Lord. His hair was a symbol of the power God gave him, and he was not to cut his hair out of obedience to God's command. Judges 13:5 No razor may be used on his head, because the boy is to be a Nazirite, set apart to God from birth, and he will begin the deliverance of Israel from the hands of the Philistines. Mom and Dad Samson definitely had a whoa moment when this happened. I can't even begin to imagine what I would think if I was visited by an angel of the Lord for any reason. 

Funny thing about Samson. As strong as he was physically, he was weak in his character. He had poor taste in women and he wasn't very wise with the strength God gave him. His choices and his pride would lead him to sin. When he chose to follow God, he would succeed. Funny thing about people, we are also like Samson. Even with the very presence of God, it didn't change the fact that Samson was still going to mess up.  

"Samson and Delilah" is recognizable in pop culture, as is Romeo and Juliet, due to the similar destructive themes of betrayal in love and passion. When people are deceived by lust, physical appearances, monetary promises, or any other fleshly desire, sin will be sure to follow. Delilah was deceived by rich and powerful men who wanted the truth about Samson's strength–enough that she would deceive Samson in order to get the information from him. Judges 16:5 The rulers of the Philistines went to her and said, "See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels of silver." He was entranced by her to the point that he could not see the "red flags" as we call them today, and set himself up for his eventual binding and blinding, which soon led to his death. We ask, how can anyone be that foolish? But if we're honest, all of us have been blinded by someone at least once in our lives, haven't we? 

What are people doing in relationships that could lead  to where Samson and Delilah ended up? They were both deceived, spiritually blind, and terribly impatient, among other things. It's important to decide ahead of time what kind of person we want to have beside us before  becoming swept away by the alluring traits of those who may lead us into destruction. It's important to decide ahead of time what kind of person WE want to be, before we head into a relationship. If not, we could get blinded by others very easily, just like Samson did. He lost touch with the difference between truth and reality at some point. His lover was asking him to tell her the secret of his strength so she could give it to his enemy, and he was so blind to her at that point, that he just said, "Sure, whatever!" and his goose was cooked. Judges 16:16-17 With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was tired to death. So he told her everything. "No razor has ever been used on my head," he said, "because I have been a Nazirite, set apart to God since birth. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man." She nagged and prodded and wore him down until he gave in. He had already become vulnerable to sin just from his own lack of good decisions. 

When we let things go or brush them off, it won't be long before we become blind to the manipulations of others. Samson was not going to be able to fulfill his purpose because he kept making shady and prideful choices. He was also with a person who held him back from living the life that God set apart for him.  When you or your partner is not able to fulfill their godly purpose or become the best of who they are meant to be, that is not the person for you. It is a choice to make good moral decisions and grow into a person of high character and integrity.  When we watch and observe the actions of others before we jump in headfirst, we can avoid a whole lot of bindings and blindings and spiritual death. Judges 16:21 Then the Philistines seized him, gouged out his eyes and took him down to Gaza. Binding him with bronze shackles, they set him to grinding in the prison. 

Samson was so prideful, he kept taking credit for all the strength he had and using it for revenge and to show off instead of for what God purposed it for. Isn't this what can happen when we lose our focus on God and instead focus on ourselves? 

When I remember that Samson was born to parents of good godly character, it reminds me that although it was probably taught in his home,  it is still a personal choice to follow or not follow the Lord for your own life. I can't imagine how his parents felt, realizing that an actual angel of the Lord delivered the news of his birth, expecting such a great leader, and then having him mistreat the gift the Lord gave him. Oh wait... this happens all the time. It happens to godly parents, too, when they take their eyes off God's plan for their children and try to take it into their own hands. We are all Samsons, in that respect. 

Samson not only had the physical presence of God at his conception, but he had the anointing on him to do great things. So do we. Samson messed up. So do we. Samson eventually humbled himself and realized he couldn't do things in his own strength and needed God. God heard his prayer, redeemed him and gave him forgiveness. This is us as well. No matter how much we mess up, God is still listening to us and waiting for us to turn back and call out to Him. He will always be there.