A Blessing, Not a Curse

 I've noticed that when a situation comes knocking at my door and help has been requested of me, I have to be prepared in advance of my words and my actions. I have to know who I am, be who I am,  and not just act as I think I should. I am not perfect, by any means, but I don't want to give bad direction. I don't want to react emotionally, speak out of turn, be impatient with my words, or give useless information. Most of all, I want to be the best representation of Christ that I can be.  When someone asks me for help in an area where I have previously struggled, I want to know that I am offering godly advice, and that I have experienced significant healing in that area so that I can be truly helpful and not be a stumbling block to them. Colossians 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. Keeping the Word of God in me is healing, but it especially helps me offer words that are wise and helpful. Better than any I could come up with on my own. I've failed too many times, doing just that. 

There are too many times that someone shares something they have experienced with another person, and that information was mishandled. It was overshared, taken to social media, turned into a nasty text or letter, or gossiped about at the local diner. Tell me, what do any of those things actually solve? I'll tell you—nothing, but they sure stir up a whole lot of new problems and involve even more people. What a mess! 2 Timothy 2:23-24 Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.

Kindness and grace go a long way, don't they? At least we hope they do if they are implemented. It's the good stuff that keeps us out of harm's way. Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 

Patience is peaceful, in itself. When we take a step back and realize there is no urgency, no need to be right, no need to fight, and no need to accuse, we can just wait it out.  Whether we feel we have been attacked or we feel a need to confront, patience allows us to take a beat. Patience requires us to be mature, even while upset or confused, and doesn't allow mistreatment or criticism to overtake good judgment, upright character, or our integrity. Patience sounds like a perfect person, but it's not. It simply takes its time to cool us off, regroup, and choose a proper response and not a reaction. Patience isn't prideful, though, and our pride gets us into all kinds of problems. It tells us we have the right to be right and we can do and say whatever we want no matter who gets hurt. Yeah, that sounds lovely. Proverbs 11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Patience allows us to make room for compassion and understanding, even when we've been treated unfairly, because we understand that when someone has acted "out of pocket" with us, they are the ones who need it. 

Impatience is frustrated and demands its own way! It wants control, not righteousness. When we desire control, we don't care how we get it. We don't care who we hurt or how we go about getting our own way. When we don't slow down and ask ourselves "why am I doing this/saying this/being this way," we run the risk of making terrible decisions and hurting people for selfish reasons. Many people use this demonstration, but once you squeeze the toothpaste (nasty words) out of the tube (your mouth), you can't put it (your words) back in. It's a long road back once you've shown someone who you are; once you've said the dark words that were festering in your heart. You can apologize, ask for forgiveness, and do better, but people don't forget, and that's the hard part. Most impatient people aren't too interested in humility, which is why they continue to be frustrated all the time. Frustrated because you'll never really be "in control." Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Can you imagine what the outcome would have been had I prayed before I hit "send" or put that in the mail? I can only wonder. I was not feeling any of Galatians 5:22-23, I can tell you that! 

But here is something incredible: Jesus instructed us to turn the other cheek. Matthew 5:39 But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. Can you imagine a world where we are so radical that we give mercy instead of demanding justice?  This is the way Jesus showed us how to do good to those who hurt us. How to love while we are in the throes of a hurtful act. How to forgive, even while still burning with betrayal. How to pray for those who did the unthinkable act. Jesus was the ultimate example. Turn the other cheek. Mercy. Can you imagine that?

Listen. I've gotten stuck in my self-absorbed emotions.  I've written that letter. I've sent that message. I've said the words I wish I could take back. It doesn't make me feel any better that I've been forgiven or the relationship is fine now or whatever, because I can't rewind the tape and make it disappear. When I hurt someone, I punish myself for a really long time, and I reflect on it so I don't make those same mistakes again. I won't make excuses, I won't blame, or put the responsibility on them. It's all me. When I react poorly and say the wrong thing, it's all me. If we don't admit them, learn from, and continue to grow from past mistakes, we will continue to repeat them, justify them, or blame others for them.

We have to take account for the things we say and do that affect other people. We can make excuses all we want and say we deal with self-worth issues, family issues, rejection, anxiety, depression, fear, people-pleasing, anger, etc... because those were all my excuses! But those are all prideful reasons I wouldn't admit my own faults in my behaviors. I had conflicts with myself! Those are all valid reasons to feel a certain way or struggle over things, but not excuses to hurt people. Those are not excuses to be self-absorbed and not see how we are affecting other people and not owning our own behavior. It's amazing how we can tell other people to stare into the mirror but we fail to peek in one ourselves. Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. As people, we can be real stinkers sometimes. As Stephen Covey states, "We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior." We think we're better than others, which is why we think we are in the position to judge other people by their terrible behavior and don't see the garbage we are dishing out regularly. Galatians 6: 1-5 Brothers, if someone is caught up in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load. 

 So what should you do when someone lashes out at you unexpectedly? Friend, family, stranger, it doesn't always matter. You don't need to make sense of their messiness, analyze it, make excuses for them, accept it, argue with it, apologize for it, or even listen to it. If possible, you can delete it and block it, walk away, and go about your day with those who bring you peace. The squeaky wheel may need the grease, but sometimes it just needs a lot of prayer.  God will deal with those who hurt you. Romans 12:17-19 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord.  We get to choose how we react to how people treat us, and we get to choose how we treat people. We are not victims unless we choose to be. Doesn't that sound a lot more peaceful than waiting for the next attack? As Jesus instructed while being crucified, Luke 23:34 "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing." Forgive quickly and move on. 

What did God intend for us as families and friends? To reflect His love, His unity, His image; to provide community, support, safety, and to find our purpose within them, among other positive things. Look around you. Are you seeing these things? Are you being these things? That is my focus. Be a blessing and not a curse to those you love. 

Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the LORD swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth. Deuteronomy 11:19-21

Mind Your Business and Let God Fight for You

 There's a reason why most of what we hear is none of our business. When my kids were little and we were in a public place, there were always a lot of opportunities to teach them this concept. It was inevitable that another child was going to act up and another parent was going to be discipling them, and if they were paying a bit too much attention to it, I would say, "we need to mind our own business." I may have a different perspective, because I'm a bit more private with my life, and I try not to intrude on the lives of others. We have enough of our own problems to solve, without thinking we have the answers to everyone else's, wouldn't you think? The exception to this is I will always lend my height to those who need something from the higher shelves at the grocery store, and Natalie says I seem to talk to someone every time we go somewhere. That's different though, I think. :)

1 Thessalonians 4:11-12 Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. If we are living quiet, respectful lives, we don't have time to offend people with our words or our haughty eyes on them. 

There are a lot of unwanted words floating around in the world, and sometimes they land in places where they cause irreparable harm. A visit with my sister-in-law this weekend brought some of those words to mind as we traded stories of times we said things we wished we had never uttered. Other times we wished those things had never been said to us, because not only do we never forget the hurtful or wrong words we've spoken, but we don't forget the ones we heard either. We remember the text, the post, the note, and even the ones that come from the face we were looking at or wearing. Yikes. It's good to be aware so that we don't repeat these things, but it should stand to be a good example to say a whole lot less next time. You'd think....but alas, we fire off those untamed tongues more than once.  Proverbs 21:23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity. 

We are living in precarious times. I think we always have been, really. We need to be kinder to one another, and not just because it's a good thing to do, but because it is what we are made for. We are made to love one another. John 13:34 A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. We're coming up on Easter Sunday and it's not just another family dinner. Jesus demonstrated unconditional love for us, forgiveness of sins, and humility by dying on a cross and rising again. Who are we to hold another person's business against them when our own business was worth dying for? John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. 

Other people's issues can affect us, hurt us, and cause pain in our lives. The only freedom from this pain ruling our lives is to allow God to have it and let His judgment rule over it.  I didn't figure that out on my own. I turned to my mentor when I was in need of some pain perspective, and he reminded me that when we lash out in pain, it only causes more pain. But when we let God deal with it, something good can be made from it. This is because God loves the one who lashed out and the one who became the target. God understands better than we can and so we allow grace to fill the gap between us. That grace, of course, is forgiveness. It seems to be a lost concept these days, but it truly is the only way out of the constant playing out of offenses and harboring anger inside forever. 

1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  If we're busy putting love first, we can keep everything else in perspective. I love you, so I choose understanding instead of assuming the worst of you. I love you, so I choose compassion instead of insensitivity. I love you, so I will ask you instead of accusing you. I love you, so I choose to respect you instead of tearing you down. I love you so I will overlook flaws in character instead of criticizing every little thing. Love heals; it doesn't seek out every wrongdoing or perceived mistake and attack it. It doesn't allow opinions to crowd out mercy. The devil seeks to destroy and divide. (John 10:10) We don't need to help him with his goals. Love one another. 

I don't know about you, but I need peace from not only the big things going on in the world, but in the lesser known life events going on around me. Not only do I need it, but I want to seek it and pursue it in every situation. My initial thought is always: How can I wrap this situation in peace? It starts with patience, because we don't always understand why something has happened. Sometimes we just need to lend a little quiet patience and listening. We can lead with compassion, loaning our love and a place where a hurt person can lean. In this way, we are sharing our peace with someone in need. 

Figuring out that we can have peace even while encountering the unknowns in a circumstance lends its own kind of peace. When we trust that God knows the situation and already has the solution even when we don't know what it is or when it will come is the only peace we can depend upon. We can say, "I trust that God is working this out for the good of everyone involved." Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 

When we encounter others who don't seek peace, we can still remain in ours. Not every battle we encounter is ours to fight, but God's. 2 Chronicles 20:15 For the battle is not yours, but God's. Mind your business and let God fight your battles. Blessings. 

Chronically Worthy

 Happy New Year, I think...

I've been taking some time away from here, but not time away from my writing, of course. Between sickness, another wedding, and sickness before and during the wedding (yeah, that was me), holidays, and life in general, it got really crazy between September and now. 

I began the new year with an intense Interstitial Cystitis flare, and what that means if you don't know what that condition is, is intense pain in the bladder area with little to no relief for days on end. It taxes me physically, mentally, and in every other way. 

I can't speak for others who deal with chronic illnesses, but I have heard others describe it that same way, and my heart goes out to them. While we should not and cannot compare our life situations, feelings, physical conditions, or any other "thing" with one another, we should hold space for those who suffer in any way. Suffering seems to be a common thread we all share these days. John 13:34 A new command I give you: Love one another.  Supporting and loving people through pain is one way to help them heal. 

I came back here briefly to share a website that I came across while scrolling the internet, looking for help for a family member going through a serious illness. I found what I needed, but I also found something I needed too. 

 It's not always easy to talk about pain. There will be people who dismiss it because it makes them uncomfortable. Compare it, because there is "always someone worse off than you, doncha know?" Or my favorite, "but you don't look sick, you were fine yesterday," and all the ones that fit in that category. Or "people who don't talk about their pain are so strong!" Here's the problem, no one should be judging anyone else's pain. Ever. 

Pain is pain. It is there to express–physically, emotionally, spiritually. If you feel safe to express it, I hope the person on the other end is lovingly receiving it and nurturing you in a way that makes you feel supported and heard. A broken leg is understood, right? People often get up out of a chair so that person can sit. Rides are offered, and casseroles are made. But when those of us with invisible illnesses walk in a room, it is just that-invisible. We need to be able to share, because the things that we feel in our bodies can be pretty hard to handle in the mind. We feel that because we "look fine on the outside," we won't be understood for the pain we are experiencing, and it's because we've been shut down for it many times. People who have chronic pain are often accused of taking too many pain medications. That may be so, and there are those of us where pain medications are not even effective and we still get side-eyed at the doctor's office because we have chronic conditions and mention pain. This, among many other reasons is why we don't get to judge other people and their pain. WE don't know the story, let alone the whole story. I know my story, and I know that I appreciate being understood. It just makes life easier for me. 

And why is it so important that pain is understood? I'm learning that it has to do with pride, performance, and purpose. Because we want people to know that we aren't doing something in the world because we're sick, not because we can't. It matters what people think because we think we're being measured by others and not by what GOD thinks. That's a big oops, and yet pain is what makes that so much more evident. Pain makes me more aware that the purpose I have in this world is somehow diminished because I can't do this and I can't do that, and I haven't even thought that maybe that pain is for something bigger because the pain keeps me from everything and everyone, so how could it? Pride keeps us working toward an image in our minds that we think we and others have of us, instead of the one God has for us, and I'll be the first to admit it is a hard lesson. The world is a messed up place!

I believe God heard the cry of my soul, because somehow I came across a website called chronic-joy.org. Tears came to my eyes as I read the description of the Christian woman who is behind it, and the challenges she faces. As I read the titles of the materials that are available, I suddenly felt another human being understood the battles I face alone. The loss of hope, and constant seeking of my worth among a world that bases success on outward accomplishments. 

 There are days I am on the mountain, and days I am in the valley. There are helpful lessons in both. There also needs to be love and purpose in both. Yes, God is always there, even when I feel alone in my pain, and some people in pain experience a loneliness that can't be explained. I will keep seeking my healing and keep praying for the ones around me who are also dealing with illnesses, conditions, and judgments beyond their control. Job 42:10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before. 

God bless you if this is your journey, and check out the website at www.chronic-joy.org for more information.