Bittersweet Emotions

On March 27, 1996, Steve brought home our first child. She was black and white, fuzzy, and a complete stinker. She was the only one at the pound who came running to the front of her cage, barking and jumping furiously at Steve. "Take me!" She seemed to say. She rode on Steve's lap all the way home. When he carried her through the door, all I could see from beneath the cabinets were these long, fuzzy legs. Before I even saw the rest of her, I exclaimed, "She's perfect!"

As much as I would love to go on and on about the joy she has brought to all of us, I just can't. Sadly, I know her end is near. She is declining fast. That playful, mischievous puppy has turned into a slow, struggling senior dog. She is still sweet, loving, cuddly, and gentle. Her spirit is still strong, but her body is failing her and there is nothing I can do about it. Stinkin' circle of life thing.

I have been struggling to care for her, as lifting her is painful on my back. Even more painful is the constant worry in my heart over how the end will be. Will we need to make that decision? Will she just go while she's dreaming of chasing bunnies? How will the girls handle it? How will we fill the void of having a faithful, loving companion for the last 14 1/2 years?

I have cried while telling her goodbye at least 5 times. I have prayed for her, as silly as that sounds to some. Don't forget, she is God's creation too, and while she's not as important as a human, God knows she is important to us. And we are important to God. He knows my tears, even those shed over my dog. They are all counted and that, I know for sure.

So, I will wait. I will continue to stay home as much as I can, caring for her every need. I will carry her outside, clean off her poo, step in her pee, and feed her by hand. Not because I'm a saint, but because that's what you do when someone or something needs you so badly. She's not in pain, her labs came back good, so we have to believe this is just old age and what comes with it. We won't let her stick around just to make us happy, that's for sure.

Please keep us in your prayers. I know 2 girls who love her dearly, in fact, grew up with her since birth, who will be heartbroken by her loss. We will be needing guidance as far as how and when to make a painful decision, if it comes to that.

For now, her tail is still wagging, and she still seems happy to be with us. I guess she's trying to tell me to take it one moment at a time. We go from being able to talk about it to avoiding it all together. From talking about where to bury her to crying at the drop of a hat. It won't be easy, I know.

One thing I know right now is I will not want another dog. I'm sticking to goldfish. I have no problem flushing those floaters!