Emotional Rescue

Some weeks are just more emotional than others. It's not always my state of mind I'm dealing with, but with others as well. The other day my mom asked me how much weight I'd lost and when I told her, she said nothing. Nothing! Not, "good job", "you look great", nope. And why? Because my mom loves with food. She probably feels that because I don't eat like I used to that I'm also rejecting her "love". So while I kind of had it figured out, it still bugged me.

I then received a message from a friend who felt I had pulled away from her. It bothered me, because this person hadn't contacted me either. I had lost my precious dog, was very vulnerable, and pulled away from everyone. It's just the way I deal, and truthfully, my friends should know that about me by now. I accept their goofy stuff. I guess I want to be loved and accepted too, goofy stuff and all.

I've also been dealing with a friendship that has been in danger for quite awhile, and trying to find a way to approach it. A natural "loner", I don't deal well with trusting people. I know it's a normal thing to be let down by people, but I still put the skids on when it comes to getting too close. The result? A very distant vibe from me, while on the inside, I just want the go-ahead to get close. Very goofy. I know. At least I admit it.

I'm attending a concert at a local fair this week. My niece will be opening for the main act. While that sounds pretty cool, I have never met her. I only know about her by reading about her in the paper. She's my brother's daughter. A daughter I never saw grow up, let alone sing for a huge crowd. A bit weird for me. Not sure how to process this yet.

Are you starting to maybe figure out why getting close is so foreign to me? I have lost people left and right my entire life through no fault of my own. That's what I know as "normal". When people get mad and want to step out of my life, I sometimes bristle up and let them. In fact, I'll help them to the door. Not good. A bit weird. Goofy.

At Nat's doctor's appointment, more x rays have been ordered for her spine and for her skull. She was born with a weird protrusion on her forehead, and while it's been harmless so far, I'm just covering my bases as a parent. Her spine is borderline severe, and in the future could require an extensive surgery, should we choose that route. It was a difficult conversation to have, and I felt at times the doctor was reprimanding me. After all, there are worse cases, he went on to tell me. I'm sorry. God didn't give me those cases. He gave me hers. That's the one I need to worry about, though I care about everyone's battle. Why do I need to feel guilty about that?

Her acne is still persisting, though we've spent hundreds of dollars on treatment. She is frustrated. We are frustrated. Yes, it's just acne, I know. But it's our battle. When your kid hurts, you hurt. It's just the way it is. While she's healthy, happy, and well adjusted, her emotions sometimes get the better of her too, and guess who is there? Mom. A mom who takes it all on. Hers. My mom. My friends. My sick brother. My disconnected family. Doctors. Bills. Life. Husband's job stress. Missing my dog. And on and on.

Though my emotions don't always dominate the whole day, I do spend a small amount of time each day telling God what's bugging me. I then move on about my day with a new strength. It doesn't take the pain away, but it provides just the emotional rescue I need.

Go ahead. Press "interesting". But I'm pressing "right on sista" today.