Where Did You Find Christmas?

I just don't know how to sum up the Christmas season. It was so busy and full that I just don't know where I'd start. We saw many people over the course of a week, having had 3 major family gatherings in a matter of days. We celebrated a birthday (Serena's), and exerienced a death in the family (my dad's sister).

It's no wonder that I felt that all my gears were stuck in overdrive. I had so many things to do, so many places to be, that I just froze in place, a big ball of frustration. I was trying to perform miracles, at least that's how it felt to me. When did Christmas begin to feel like I am trying to climb a mountain wearing only slippers? I wish it didn't feel that way, because the spiritual side of me loves Christmas. The rest of me isn't so sold on all the hoopla.

What I want from Christmas and what I actually experience are often total polar opposites. We chose to opt out of one of the family gift exchanges this year. It just wasn't good for us financially to participate, knowing we were trying very hard to go "credit card free" this year. Knowing we were already cutting down on our own kids, knowing we don't even buy gifts for each other. Made good sense to us. Well, it would just be nice to be understood, knowing that we are the only single income family there. Maybe that bothers me more, knowing that after all this time, they still don't understand/respect my choice to be home to raise my girls. Yep. I am the black sheep in that family.

Yes, sometimes holidays just magnify the hurts that are already there. In some cases, of course. We did have some fun visiting with our down state nephews and our two great nieces just yesterday. I think the boys would love to stay with us longer, and we would love it too. It's so hard to leave after having so much fun with them. I made chocolate chip whoopie pies and I am now back in first place where aunts are concerned. (not that it matters, right?)

Our gifts to our parents this year were anything but simple. We typed up some "kindness koupons", which consisted of various tasks we as a family are willing to do for them. I just can't wait to wash my mother in law's windows!! :) I gave my sister several of my treasured recipes and a certificate for a "hot homemade meal of your choice delivered to your door". She was pretty excited about that. We printed out several pictures of my parents and my girls to give my siblings. We also gave out our homemade salsa verde we worked so hard on this fall.

I found myself humming a Christmas song over and over these past few weeks..."Where can I find Christmas?" I think I spent a lot of time looking even though I know where it is. I spent a lot of time worrying, though I know that's not where it is. I looked at a lot of lights, heard a lot of music, sent and received some cards, and wrapped gifts. It just wasn't in any of those things, though some were enjoyable. I know now that no matter what is going on at Christmas and no matter what anyone thinks of our choices, we have to keep Christ in the heart of our Christmas or it just isn't worth it at all. And letting anything get in the way of the Real Reason we celebrate takes away the joy in our hearts.

So, I hope Christ was in your Christmas and I hope you follow Him into the New Year.

Wonder Bread

My dad's birthday was Friday, and I was a bit perplexed as to what to get him. Finances have been a bit tight lately, as they are every December, so I couldn't just go buy whatever I wanted to buy this time. The truth is, my dad just doesn't need or want anything. Well, isn't that easy for the rest of us? So, I knew whatever I gave him would be homemade and I had one day to do it. I prayed...God, I just need some ideas. Anything!" Well, God is so much quicker than Zappos! He led me to my computer, into my pictures files, and I started scrolling around. To my excitement, I came across some pictures that screamed, "BIRTHDAY GIFT FOR GRANDPA!"

My dad enjoys baking homemade bread, and loves to bless others with these heavenly loaves. We get blessed with them quite often, and they don't last very long at all. Natalie and Serena can polish one off in just a couple of days! One day I brought home a loaf for them and had it sitting on the counter when they arrived home from school. Serena grabbed the bread knife and got to work cutting off some huge hunks for herself. Natalie got a little spark in her eye and as they say in a brawl...it was ON! Nat grabbed the loaf from Serena and as Serena fought back, Natalie pushed her hand right into Serena's face. Serena put up a valiant fight and soon the kitchen was filled with giggling and bread crumbs! Well, guess what mom was doing the whole time this was happening? You guessed it. I was snapping pictures! It was hilarious to watch these two go all WWF over a loaf of bread!

So as I scrolled through my pictures, these popped up and immediately I got the idea to "do something with these". Thank you, Lord for a great idea! When I took those pictures, I had no plans for them at all! In fact, I had forgotten about them altogether.

I got to work printing off 9 wallets of the actual loaf of bread, pictures of the "fighting", and then the eventual face-stuffing they enjoyed at the end. I arranged them in an 8 X 10 picture frame, using some scrapbook paper and trims I had around the house. I then added a poem in the center... a clever little ditty, and it went a little something like this:

Grandpa's bread is worth the fight
Each and every delicious bite
In the end, we both win
And wait for Grandpa to bake again!
"natalie and Serena's bread fight"

I framed it in a very inexpensive, on-sale frame and wrapped it for my pops. When he opened it, he was speechless! He said there was no better gift than that! And my mom, who is pretty picky about her home decor, actually hung it right in the kitchen...and it matches nothing in there! Wow. :)

I love the metaphors and references of bread in the Bible, and the fact that Jesus multiplied the loaves to feed thousands. But to see him use my bread photos to help me and to bless my dad. Now come on, that's pretty cool when you think about it!

Back When

Some days I like to forget I'm a mom of a tween and a teen. Especially at Christmas time, I like to imagine my girls are 3 and 5 again. That's when Christmas really came alive for them. It's when they started to understand Jesus,and when they were able to frost cookies! I loved putting their little aprons on and letting them frost and decorate the sugar cookies. I have many pictures of cookies with mounds of frosting and tons of colored sugar, and big frosting covered grins! We also did gingerbread houses each year. Most of the candy got eaten before it got attached! I loved the wonder in their eyes as they experienced Christmas on every level. The mall Santa, the church programs, the family gatherings, the toys, and the extra fun we all had just because they were with us.

That's back when opening presents was a loud, crazy, messy occasion. Back when they drank their milk from cute little santa cups. Back when they sat in the little teddy bear chair to have their picture taken in front of the tree they got to help decorate. Oh, back when...where are you?

Are you now feeling frustrated that your little ones are into everything? Are they fighting over toys or refusing to eat their peas? Are they challenging you over bedtime or leaving snot prints everywhere on the windows? If so, then listen to me when I say this, and hear it good. ENJOY. For too soon, these days are gone. One day you will wish for snotty little noses to burrow into your good sweater. One day you will wonder if you spent enough time frosting cookies with them. One day you will miss this.

We love our girls, for sure, but as they get older, the wonder seems to seep out of them. They are busy with many other things, and their lives aren't just about us anymore. Kids just grow up. There's no stoppin' them once they start! Though my girls love Christmas and all the fuss, they chose not to help decorate the tree this year. Not because they were too busy, but because they had already decorated three trees for their grandparents, and were tired of decorating. Sigh. I did it by myself, and though Nat visited with me while I decorated, it just wasn't that exciting for me at all. I can't believe I miss the days that they hung all of the ornaments at their eye level! It used to drive me crazy, and I just couldn't leave them all there! Oh, how I miss that now.

You may think I'm just a big ole nostalgic mess. Well, I can be. I do revisit the memories quite often. I find it to be a healthy way to keep them alive. Not to dwell and wish for them back, but to truly remind myself not to take the present days for granted. Not to take the present people for granted. To remember that each age has its special wonder of its own.

Christmas can be a tough time, for when we think of Christmas, we're automatically transported back in time. We think of being kids and we remember who was there and what they contributed. If they're no longer with us, Christmas can be a lonely feeling. Though we know about the Babe in the manger, we still long for the grandma, the uncle, or whoever isn't there. Christmas is love!

So this Christmas, instead of thinking about what you don't have, think about what someone else is missing, or who someone else may be missing. Think about what you can do to help someone who is lonely. Maybe they're like me and they're just lonely for their little ones. Take your kids over and visit awhile!

As for me, I will still be decorating cookies with the girls for our annual tradition. Funny thing is, we can no longer tell the difference between my cookies and theirs! Some things don't change though, they still don't like to clean up the mess!

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

A Picture Says A Thousand Words

The girls and I spent some time at G-ma's on Friday, trying to help her with some Christmas decorating. When all the family comes home, we gather in the "rec room", so we were down there decorating the tree and putting some stray things away. I came across a photo that made all of us smile.

This was a picture of 3 of my older siblings, my mom, and me at about age 10. I think we got the picture taken at the church we attended at the time. My dad chose not to be in the picture back then, and I remember thinking it was strange to be going without him. It's just how he was, I guess, but then again, maybe it didn't feel complete to him with his own son being "out of the picture". He was living with his mother, being taught to dislike our family, and it showed.

My dad, though he raised my mom's three kids (4, 5, and 6 at the time), never felt like their "dad". They had a biological dad, and he wanted them to have a relationship with him, though bio dad was full of his own issues. I guess he felt he may hinder that possibility somehow, and so he kept somewhat of a distance. The story is much deeper than I can share here, but at the time, it was the right way to handle it. My mom often says that they didn't have the resources we have today to deal with the kinds of problems that went on back then. It was so true.

And so I studied this old picture. A seemingly happy mom and her 4 kids. Two boys, attractive and smiling, sporting very curly do's. A beautiful young teenage girl with brown eyes and a big smile. A freckle-faced, smirking, big-eyed girl, wearing blue and green plaid pants. Hence, the smirk. :) Little would anyone know, the beautiful teen would soon be pregnant and married with a long and winding journey ahead. One boy would become an alcoholic with a difficult road ahead. One boy is still out of the picture. The other, successful in all he has set out to do. And the little freckle-faced girl somehow made it out okay too. The mom in the picture is beautiful and smiling, proud of the brood around her. She had no idea of what her future would hold as a mom. Having been through a painful divorce, she thought the worst was behind her. Worse things would happen.

So, as we gazed upon this family photo, my girls saw 4 smiling kids and a Brady Bunch type mom. They laughed at their mom's silly blue blazer, blue plaid pants, and silly smirk. They really laughed at their uncle's naturally curly hair! They were amazed at how young their Grandma looked and how pretty she was.

And I was amazed at myself, that I was able to talk about the good times, even though that particular time in our lives was very hard to remember. I was able to recall happy Christmas mornings, funny family traits, and bring up the positive times in all of our childhoods. More importantly I was able to remember that although some memories are difficult and painful, we can always choose to remember the joys too. We can see the smiles and leave the rest behind. We can live in the present and let the past go.

And what we learned from our mom was just that. You deal with what you've been given. You learn from your mistakes. You don't live in the past. You keep your chin up. You love and you smile. And just keep on going. When my mom looked at the picture, she just saw her beautiful kids. Not the things they would do wrong. Not the bad cards they too were dealt. Not the mistakes and the arguments. She just saw her kids. The ones she'll always love no matter what. And what did she tell my girls about their mom?

"Your mom was so cute and so sweet. She didn't give me any trouble at all. She was so helpful and quiet. Just look at how cute she was!" Well, as I said before, "worse things would happen!" :)

Never judge a book or in this case, a family, by it's cover. Every family has its secrets and crosses to bear. But one thing we know for sure is that God put us together for a reason. And he did the same for you.

Ready, Set, STOP!

I am tired today. It's been a tiring week! Between running the kids here and there, I'm trying in vain to get the lights on my Christmas tree, finish the laundry, and work on the many things on my to-do list. I haven't even begun Christmas shopping, and forget about baking for now. Let me just say, this is not my childhood Christmas.

Of course, my mom wasn't running us everywhere. She worked full time and we lived in town. If we had somewhere to go, we got ourselves there with our Fred Flinstone car---our feet. She didn't know half the time where we were going or if we were wearing coats and boots. She was blissfully unaware. She really had no choice! Somehow,maybe magically, she managed to turn our home into a Christmas wonderland, singlehandedly most times, as dads back then weren't into the whole "helping' thing, as you may know. Dads weren't stopping at stores on the way home from work to pick things up for a tired mom. Nope. Dads were sitting on their tired butts watching the news and waiting for tired mom to finish dinner.

Somehow she managed to make not just one or two kinds of homemade candies, but several. Not just one or two cookies, but at least 6 or 7 kinds. Our home at Christmas time was like a party for any friend who would come over. We had candy dishes everywhere, cookie plates here and there, every corner was decorated, and we always had the Christmas music on. A snow day was like a vacation back then, not a stressful thing as it is now most times. I can't remember getting anything on my Christmas list, however, I can't remember ever being disappointed on Christmas. We didn't get a lot, having 5 kids in the house, but it seemed like a pile of gifts when we came down the stairs on Christmas morning. I didn't think about the fact that the desk and chair set I got was actually refurbished. I was in love with that desk! I still have it today, labeled, "save for grandkids". I think ahead.

Anyway, I sure had a different perspective on Christmas from a child's eye. I'm still not sure how my working mom pulled off Christmas like that each year. I know she wasn't always in a great mood! We tend to get that way when we try to do too much. I catch myself in a "mood" when I also feel I'm not doing enough to make Christmas memorable for my girls. Ugh.

One of the reasons I chose to be a stay at home mom was that I wanted to give my kids the gift of time. My mom was always preoccupied with work. Though she loved Christmas and the other holidays, she was not a sitting, reading, knitting, baking kind of mom. She cooked, for sure, but she really didn't have much time for herself, and so everything she did was for us. She was just too busy doing it to spend time with us just having fun. I'd like to say I'm different, but sometimes I get caught up with all I have to do, and I forget about having fun. Sometimes the holidays stress me out and I forget that it's up to me to make those holidays memorable for them, as they were for me as a child.

I may be home, yes, but I am doing way more running and activities than my mom ever had to do. While I didn't like the answer of "no" back then, I know why she said it so many times. At least it kept us home as a family, not running in 7 different directions, as sometimes we do as a family of just 4.

And so, I will have to put some "family events" on the calendar before everyone else tries to take my days away, and here is a list of what we'll do.

1. Sit on the couch and stare at the tree while drinking cocoa and eating cookies. Time needed: approximately 25 minutes.
2. Take the "one horse open sleigh" for a drive around our neighborhood looking at lights. The "sleigh" is our mini van, with windows open (sometimes even both doors!) Christmas music blaring, while driving around looking at lights. Snow is optional, but makes it so much better. Cookies optional, but make it even better.
3. A walk in the woods on a snowy evening. Do I need to say more?
4. Watch a favorite Christmas special as a family.
5. Make a snow hill from the top of the deck, and try to injure ourselves with the snow board later on as the hill grows.
6. have a snowball fight after the first snow. Then come in and make chili!
7. Sit around in our jammies ALL day and do whatever we want to do!
8. Have a family game night where we all beat daddy. He always wins!

There are so many more things I want to do with my family, and I know sometimes other things will get in the way. But if I can just stop and do just one, we will all be better for it.

I hope you make time to do the simple things with the ones you love. They won't forget it! And neither will you....

I am Charlie and Charlie is Me

I've been dabbling in the party business a bit heavily lately, of course, beginning with Serena's big bash. On Tuesday night, I hosted a table at our church's annual Christmas Tea. My guests were probably the best ones there...5 young teens! And finally...finally...I was able to do the table I've always wanted to do...Charlie Brown Christmas! Of course, it was someone else's idea as well...and that's just peachy. I'm glad someone else loves Charlie Brown as much as me. I didn't know it was possible! I know now. Ahem. :)

Anyway, more importantly, the girls who came had a wonderful time. Typically not an event for the young, they seemed to appreciate the party atmosphere anyway. The speaker was wonderful and the girls laughed at all her jokes. I was just so glad they were listening. What a message for young and old. I was also blessed with 2 empty seats. I say that because I was able to have one of the girls' moms sit with me at the table. She really enjoyed herself as well. We had a nice visit, and it was nice to have another adult to interact with the girls. I was, however, disappointed that my own Serena chose not to attend. She just didn't want to be a tag along, and nothing I could say would change her mind. She was quite firm about waiting to sit at the youth table when she's actually in youth. She is such a rule follower. And stubborn. I hope that serves her well later in life, as experts have told me it would. I missed my little stinker girl for sure.

Ya know, I don't know why I'm always taken by surprise when God works things out for me. I don't know why I always panic first, get annoyed first, grit my teeth first. I should just say out loud, "God's got this", because He does and has EVERY time. EVERY TIME!! I really worry and stress for nothing. I continue to give my concerns to God and then keep part of them for me to stew over. Oh, why can't I just get it for once and for all?? Because I have much more to learn and much farther to grow. That's why.

I was delighted to find out that our pastor is a big Charlie Brown fan too. Said it was the best cartoon ever made. And he really liked my table.
I relate to Charlie not because I walked around as a depressed, oppressed child who always fell for the football trick. I walked around, wanting to be loved just for being me. I didn't get a rock in my trick or treat bag. I didn't get called "blockhead", but sometimes in life, you feel like a blockhead who just deserves a big ole rock. And who can't love Snoopy? Truly, one of the coolest dogs ever, aside from my own late Sophie girl, of course.

So, Saturday is yet another party, and this one's a breeze. Good times, good friends, laid back fun. I can't wait!

God is a Party Planner Too

As my title says, God is a party planner. I know this because He told me to plan a party for not one, not two, not three, but twenty three tween girls. At my house. At the same time. For no apparent reason. And like all things GOd plans, it was a hit!

Four packages of cookies, 90 pizza rolls, nachos and cheese, lots of chips, several gallons of punch and two pounds of twizzlers. That, my friend is how you woo said tweens! Add to that a big open space, Just Dance, ping pong, air hockey, charades, board games, and even a little dress up....yeah, that's a party!

Serena's party with ALL of her girl classmates invited was Friday night, and out of a total of 23, 19 were there! We had no idea of how many were coming, as RSVP now means "Surprise me", apparently! It was all good, however, as we were prepared for whoever showed up. We were praying for a full house. We got a very full, very loud, very excited full house!

It got loud as soon as there were just 4 girls here. Serena stayed upstairs and greeted every girl individually. I was pleased to hear one parent say, "I sure wish every parent would think of inviting everyone. This is so nice." And let me tell you, before I get too involved with party details, this party was a hit and it wasn't because of the food.

As all of the girls arrived, I was getting a bit nervous. Apparently earlier in the week a few of the girls had been fighting. I kept my eye on all of them, just in case, but saw no evidence of any kind of fighting. No dirty looks, no exclusions, nothing! In fact, they seemed to be having a wonderful time. A couple even told me, "this is the best party I have ever been to in my life!" I would find out later it's really the only party one of them had ever been invited to, and I don't know why. That girl knew how to have fun!! Another girl seemed so reserved and nervous, but when we turned out the lights and ran the disco ball, I caught her dancing a bit! I called out, "you go girl! You've got moves!" She just had a big smile on her face and moved a bit more. Oh, God, you're SO very smart about these things.

I had prayed for this party leading up to the night, and all I asked for was that everyone would feel the one thing we all want to feel at any age really....loved and accepted. I hope they felt that way, because as far as I could see, and as much as I could do, those girls were loved and accepted, if just for one night. They seemed to include one another, organizing games of charades, and taking turns with the Wii. I played air hockey with some of the girls, and made small talk with a couple more. Steve and I stayed with them the whole time, not to spy, but to truly enjoy them and get to know them all. I even did a little crazy dancing, but only when Serena's back was turned. She had asked me not to embarass her. Well, my dancing is cool, so she's a little off on that anyway.

What a joy we had with all of the girls, but particularly with our own daughter. We watched her entertain, and care for her guests in the most mature way. She walked them to the bathroom, got them cups and wrote their names on them, greeted them as they came and too their coats. One had gotten knocked over by an overzealous friend, so Serena stopped to pull her up and ask her if she was okay. Ironically it was a girl who hadn't been getting along real well with Serena for different reasons. She walked each girl to the door personally as they left, and thanked them for coming. She then thanked us profusely for letting her have the party and couldn't stop bubbling about all the fun she'd had.

We were all exhausted as the last guest left, but did a big high five, as we realized that the real praise belonged to God, who gave me the idea in the first place. Now, did having the party solve anything for the long term? I don't know. However, I think back to that one girl who exclaimed, "this is the best party I've ever been to in my life!!!" and I say, "yes". If just for her, then yes. I remember saying to Serena, "if someone says they didn't have a good time, I will know they are teasing, because every girl had fun!!" She agreed.

Sometimes when we are in someone's home, we get to see them in a different light. A softer light. Sometimes when we get out of our usual setting, in this case, school, we get to be who we really are, not what is expected of us. We get time to see others in a relaxed setting, not on a playground. It was comforting to see that although some of these girls have had a rough time of it socially, all of that seemed to be put aside. I'd like to think it was the lighting, and I don't mean the 60 watts in the basement.

God. What a party planner!