Merry Christmas to all who celebrate the birth of Christ, as we do. It's hard to remain focus on that main event with all the trappings of the commercialism of Christmas. I can't blame it all on the stores, though. It's definitely my fault too, when I get too focused on making just one more batch of cookies, buy one more gift, add one more event...and then wonder why I don't enjoy it as I should. It doesn't help that we've been "estranged" from our church still. After all, it is a holy holiday for us Christians, and where else should we be?
I have made church in my home, under my tree, at my table, and in my car. I have kept Christ in my heart, maybe more so that I have not had a church to call home in awhile. It has been a challenge, and I hope to find resolution soon and get us back in fellowship. That's a goal for 2014.
Anyway, I am a traditional girl at heart. I want the snow, the love, the warmth, and the perfection you often see on the cover of all those glittering Christmas cards. Instead, I get a little "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" mixed in with a little "Home Alone". I blog, but my family doesn't read it, so they won't know that they are getting called out at all. I'll share just one incident, and then you can use your imagination.
A member of our family, a fairly new member, apparently needed a little "liquid courage" to come to our family Christmas. So, moments into the holiday festivities, she was sitting on my mom's kitchen floor. I have no idea why. I don't know her very well yet, but I'm pretty sure that's not something she would normally do. I turned to my sister and said, "what is going on? Are we the Griswald's now?" She laughed....and I waited for the cat to be electrocuted....they don't have a cat. Now we know why...Lots more sewage spewed as my brother became annoyed with mom's Christmas chime clock. Apparently he would "shoot that SOB". Sigh. Laughter mixed with tears. And confusion.
Anyway, we have possibly 2 pending divorces in our family if the marital strife continues, I have a brother who is ill and on pain medications, which were wearing off quickly. This prompted us to have dinner, a white elephant, and gift opening all within a 2-3 hour period. Everyone then escaped, I mean, went home, and we were the only ones left. No family photos were taken. No one was taking pictures but me! As usual. I'm trying to watch my kids open gifts, take everyone's pictures, and keep the family dog from eating the styrofoam peanuts on the floor. Can you say "Griswald" any louder? And "don't take my picture" was more common than "Merry Christmas".
I then frantically tried to help my mom pack food for everyone who all left at the same time, which means chex mix was flying, and the dog was again under my feet. The clock was chiming, much to my brother's dismay, and I couldn't get the cookies wrapped fast enough. Everyone made it out the door, I breathed a sigh, and then my niece popped back in and said, "we can't find my dad." This is not good for many reasons, but we did find him hiding in the living room, apparently escaping from the chaos in the kitchen, which was apparently driving him nuts. Really? I was throwing grandpa's bread left and right yelling, "7 grain, white, or oatmeal", as I tossed them to the waiting hands. New York delis, I am ready for you. I have to laugh....or I will cry. Sob even.
So, my mom was too busy to shop for me this year and gave me the dreaded cash and gift card to Barnes and Noble. Not dreaded for me, dreaded for her, who really doesn't like these kinds of cop out gifts. I think the first book I will buy at B&N will be something for my mental health. And the cash, as usual, will go into the checkbook to pay for all the stuff we bought that no one needed anyway.
I have my tongue in my cheek today, but if I told you what I really thought, it wouldn't be pretty. And it would not help my survival. I can't think too carefully on these holidays because it breaks my heart. I love Christmas....I love family. I just don't necessarily need them together.
Like I said, focusing on the real meaning of Christmas is the most important thing, and it shouldn't be this hard. It gives me the peace I need to survive. It makes me proud to be a "griswald" at least some of the time.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Brother, Where are You and Where Will You Be?
SirNorm,
You have given me a God-given idea. My brother, who has suffered from alcohol and substance abuse for most of his life, who has strained relationships with his family because of it, who has lost job after job, cars, homes, possessions, etc...almost died on Monday night. His health has taken a major toll from all of the abuse he has put on his body. He spent 3 months in a rehab facility and left there only saying he hates turkey. Sigh. Only God can fix him.
He nearly lost his life while surgeons were replacing and cleaning some stents he had put in before. The doctors have told him so many times that in his condition, they can't believe he's been alive this long. He's on so much medication that sometimes he can't keep his head up. On Thanksgiving, he began tremoring and scared all of us...once again.
He has been not hard to love, because he is my brother and I will always love him. He has been hard to have a relationship with. In the past if I reached out to him, he would try to manipulate me in some way. I stopped reaching out because I didn't want his toxicity in my new little family or on my baby girls at the time. His children, now grown with little ones, have certainly felt their dad's bad decisions. They have often felt unloved and neglected. It has put so many rifts in our family that most relationships are strained now. If we help, we're on his side. If we don't, we aren't doing enough....so much strife. And so little I've been able to do to help. Mostly I just feel angry because of the strain it has caused my dear parents, who should be enjoying the golden years. But I feel bad too, that here he is, my big brother, and where have you been for me? Then I feel guilty all over again...such a codependent spiral we fall into when someone in our family is sick.
I am a collector of post cards, and I did read your post called "Reconciled with my Brother" just this morning. It hit me hard. I don't know how to talk to my brother anymore. I have written him letters while he was in rehab and he called me a Jesus freak. He knows there is a God, but doesn't think God knows him apparently. Oh, but he does....and it will not be good until Tim gets to know the God who created and loves him. So when you used postcards to draw your brother to your family, it just clicked with me. I had just posted pictures of some of my antique Christmas cards on Facebook. I am most touched by the words written on the backs of these treasures of mine.
So, would my brother treasure my words if I were to write them on the back of a guitar-laden post card every week? Would he feel loved? Would he then soften and begin to see God's love through me? Would he finally humble his spirit? Maybe. It's worth a shot. His life, SirNorm, is more valuable than what you described at a funeral..."woulda coulda shoulda". I don't want that for him, his parents, his kids, grandkids, siblings. Friends. His new wife. Here is what I want them to say should he leave this world before he's even nicely into his 50's:
"Wow. He may have only known God a short time, but look at what he did with that time. He made peace with his past, he reconciled himself with his family, he showed love to all he met, and he had a relationship with Jesus that made his friends think about what they were doing in their own lives. He became the man God designed him to be and he became the father he wishes he had always been. What a wonderful man was Tim Smith."
That's what I want to hear when I finally have to really say goodbye to my brother. I don't want to say he wasted his life or I wasted time. God, could you give us some more time to set things straight? It's pretty important. Life-changing even.
Thank you, SirNorm, for changing the way I think just at the right time. God bless you.
You have given me a God-given idea. My brother, who has suffered from alcohol and substance abuse for most of his life, who has strained relationships with his family because of it, who has lost job after job, cars, homes, possessions, etc...almost died on Monday night. His health has taken a major toll from all of the abuse he has put on his body. He spent 3 months in a rehab facility and left there only saying he hates turkey. Sigh. Only God can fix him.
He nearly lost his life while surgeons were replacing and cleaning some stents he had put in before. The doctors have told him so many times that in his condition, they can't believe he's been alive this long. He's on so much medication that sometimes he can't keep his head up. On Thanksgiving, he began tremoring and scared all of us...once again.
He has been not hard to love, because he is my brother and I will always love him. He has been hard to have a relationship with. In the past if I reached out to him, he would try to manipulate me in some way. I stopped reaching out because I didn't want his toxicity in my new little family or on my baby girls at the time. His children, now grown with little ones, have certainly felt their dad's bad decisions. They have often felt unloved and neglected. It has put so many rifts in our family that most relationships are strained now. If we help, we're on his side. If we don't, we aren't doing enough....so much strife. And so little I've been able to do to help. Mostly I just feel angry because of the strain it has caused my dear parents, who should be enjoying the golden years. But I feel bad too, that here he is, my big brother, and where have you been for me? Then I feel guilty all over again...such a codependent spiral we fall into when someone in our family is sick.
I am a collector of post cards, and I did read your post called "Reconciled with my Brother" just this morning. It hit me hard. I don't know how to talk to my brother anymore. I have written him letters while he was in rehab and he called me a Jesus freak. He knows there is a God, but doesn't think God knows him apparently. Oh, but he does....and it will not be good until Tim gets to know the God who created and loves him. So when you used postcards to draw your brother to your family, it just clicked with me. I had just posted pictures of some of my antique Christmas cards on Facebook. I am most touched by the words written on the backs of these treasures of mine.
So, would my brother treasure my words if I were to write them on the back of a guitar-laden post card every week? Would he feel loved? Would he then soften and begin to see God's love through me? Would he finally humble his spirit? Maybe. It's worth a shot. His life, SirNorm, is more valuable than what you described at a funeral..."woulda coulda shoulda". I don't want that for him, his parents, his kids, grandkids, siblings. Friends. His new wife. Here is what I want them to say should he leave this world before he's even nicely into his 50's:
"Wow. He may have only known God a short time, but look at what he did with that time. He made peace with his past, he reconciled himself with his family, he showed love to all he met, and he had a relationship with Jesus that made his friends think about what they were doing in their own lives. He became the man God designed him to be and he became the father he wishes he had always been. What a wonderful man was Tim Smith."
That's what I want to hear when I finally have to really say goodbye to my brother. I don't want to say he wasted his life or I wasted time. God, could you give us some more time to set things straight? It's pretty important. Life-changing even.
Thank you, SirNorm, for changing the way I think just at the right time. God bless you.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Daniel
Resolve. When you make up your mind unequivocally that you ARE going to do something and stick to it. That's what Daniel did when he resolved not to bend to the orders of man and followed God instead. It was not easy, but in the end, he was blessed and his courage and commitment were rewarded by God.
I started studying Daniel when I felt led to learn about resolving to do something. The word, "resolve" kept spinning in my head. I even found my study notebook, and there was the word and definition in bold print. Apparently, God wants me to learn a little something about resolve. Ya think?
So I began making my notes about Daniel and one that stood out was that he was committed. Enough said. He didn't waver. He didn't wonder and blunder. He committed. Just like I am committed to my husband, my kids, my family, my shower every day. Some things just never waver with me.
Oh, but some things do, and those are the things God is taking issue with when it comes to me. Am I committed to Him? In faith, yes. In attending church? Lately, no. I have been praying about where God wants us to be, and I don't have an answer, but how committed am I to getting the answer? Probably not enough. If I was completely honest, which I am and it bugs people, I really don't miss a lot of things about any church. It's not the church, it's me.
I complain that I don't know what my purpose is. How committed am I to seeking that purpose? How committed am I to taking risks and trying new things? Not enough. Have I resolved to do anything that I know I need to do? When it comes to physical tasks, probably. Spiritually, no. Why? Commitment issues.
This is why God kept bringing the word "resolve" to my mind. He wants me to get going on something. I don't know what it is. He is starting with small commitments like cleaning and organizing the basement project I keep putting off. He wants me to be more efficient in my filing of our home papers. He wants me to start with little things so that I can recognize the resolve, and take it to bigger things.
I equate this with disciplining my own girls, when I am trying to get them to do something without being told. I want them to commit to doing it, then resolve to do it. No questions asked, no forgetting. It is getting done without me. And God asks the same of me, only He will actually help me.
What do I need to resolve to do? It may seem simple. It may seem obvious, and to our heads it usually is. I need to resolve to know that without fail, God loves me unconditionally. Why do I know this? Because people are still making me feel inadequate. I know I am too focused on people and what they think of me. God wants my eyes on Him and Him alone. He wants me to know I'm forgiven, redeemed, loved unconditionally, no matter what any person may say, not say, do or not do. He wants me to resolve to KNOW I am loved without any person ever validating it. He knows this is the area in my life that I fight the most, and so this is the one He has asked me to change.
Big stuff for me. It will lead to lots of prayer, study, contemplation, and accepting something hard for me to accept. I've tackled it before, but obviously was not successful. Being successful will mean I will finally feel free of condemnation. I will stop feeling invisible most of the time. I will stop criticizing myself and others. I will be satisfied with the people in my life instead of looking past them for something better to come along. I will stop questioning "why" and finally just know I am where I am for a reason. I will be at peace with the injustices of my past and be able to move on and be purposeful again.
All of this is so familiar to me, because I've said it all before. I've spoken it, intended it, but didn't resolve hard enough to do it. So, it's time to pull up my Daniel pants, prepare to be thrown into the fire, and rely on God to see me through.
I started studying Daniel when I felt led to learn about resolving to do something. The word, "resolve" kept spinning in my head. I even found my study notebook, and there was the word and definition in bold print. Apparently, God wants me to learn a little something about resolve. Ya think?
So I began making my notes about Daniel and one that stood out was that he was committed. Enough said. He didn't waver. He didn't wonder and blunder. He committed. Just like I am committed to my husband, my kids, my family, my shower every day. Some things just never waver with me.
Oh, but some things do, and those are the things God is taking issue with when it comes to me. Am I committed to Him? In faith, yes. In attending church? Lately, no. I have been praying about where God wants us to be, and I don't have an answer, but how committed am I to getting the answer? Probably not enough. If I was completely honest, which I am and it bugs people, I really don't miss a lot of things about any church. It's not the church, it's me.
I complain that I don't know what my purpose is. How committed am I to seeking that purpose? How committed am I to taking risks and trying new things? Not enough. Have I resolved to do anything that I know I need to do? When it comes to physical tasks, probably. Spiritually, no. Why? Commitment issues.
This is why God kept bringing the word "resolve" to my mind. He wants me to get going on something. I don't know what it is. He is starting with small commitments like cleaning and organizing the basement project I keep putting off. He wants me to be more efficient in my filing of our home papers. He wants me to start with little things so that I can recognize the resolve, and take it to bigger things.
I equate this with disciplining my own girls, when I am trying to get them to do something without being told. I want them to commit to doing it, then resolve to do it. No questions asked, no forgetting. It is getting done without me. And God asks the same of me, only He will actually help me.
What do I need to resolve to do? It may seem simple. It may seem obvious, and to our heads it usually is. I need to resolve to know that without fail, God loves me unconditionally. Why do I know this? Because people are still making me feel inadequate. I know I am too focused on people and what they think of me. God wants my eyes on Him and Him alone. He wants me to know I'm forgiven, redeemed, loved unconditionally, no matter what any person may say, not say, do or not do. He wants me to resolve to KNOW I am loved without any person ever validating it. He knows this is the area in my life that I fight the most, and so this is the one He has asked me to change.
Big stuff for me. It will lead to lots of prayer, study, contemplation, and accepting something hard for me to accept. I've tackled it before, but obviously was not successful. Being successful will mean I will finally feel free of condemnation. I will stop feeling invisible most of the time. I will stop criticizing myself and others. I will be satisfied with the people in my life instead of looking past them for something better to come along. I will stop questioning "why" and finally just know I am where I am for a reason. I will be at peace with the injustices of my past and be able to move on and be purposeful again.
All of this is so familiar to me, because I've said it all before. I've spoken it, intended it, but didn't resolve hard enough to do it. So, it's time to pull up my Daniel pants, prepare to be thrown into the fire, and rely on God to see me through.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Carton Thrower
One of my Christian pages I follow on FB presented a question that basically wanted to know if others had ever felt like "throwing an orange juice carton across the kitchen before church". Now, it was a bit deeper than that, but I think some narrow-minded people read the first sentence and no more than that. Some people took it a bit literally and answered, "never". Some went on to describe themselves as perfect suzy Christians who never had a negative thought, let alone in church! Really? Are there actual perfect people among us? I have NEVER met one yet. And I am thankful for that!
This annoys me to no end, because it's exactly why it's hard to be a Christian in this world. It's even harder to witness to someone when they assume you have no faults or weaknesses. If they only knew how imperfect we really are...if they only knew that the disciples Jesus himself chose were some of the most imperfect mess-makers you'd ever want to meet. Did Suzy miss this part of the Bible?
Did "Suzy" also forget that church is not a place for perfect people? It is full of the hurting, the broken, the lost, the seeking, the confused, the abused. You have no idea who is sitting next to you and what they've been through. Before you go all "suzy Christian" on someone, think of them first. Put yourself last. Get off your pedestal or your throne. Worship yes, but remember you're not always in that church for yourself. Don't like the sermon? I've always said, "it must be for someone who needed that today". And it always is. Because it's not about you, Suzy.
Honestly, the reason I loved my former pastor was because he was far from perfect. He was the first person to really reach a part of me that no one else could. Know why? He was broken in much the same places. I think people mistake understanding for commiserating sometimes. It's not that misery loves company, it's that misery needs understanding and compassion in order for it to turn into something of value. To be an overcomer you have to know what it is you're overcoming. Sometimes it doesn't look like a very nice Christian process, does it? Sometimes it makes you look like a whiner or a complainer, and sometimes we are. But if it doesn't come out, it stays in, and that's worse. Hiding what's wrong doesn't make you look strong. It makes you look like a phony.
Do you always have a stress-free Sunday morning? Is it always pleasant finding clothes that match, fit, are clean? Are you dealing with many different moods in your household, making getting out the door that much harder? Did someone forget to put gas in the car and now you're going to be late? Did you drop the orange juice carton and now the dog is licking it up and will have an accident before you even leave? Is your Sunday morning on the way to church all harps and bells? Mine never was. It has never been easy to get up, get ready and get out the door. I have teenagers. I don't think Suzy has kids at all. Or a pet. Or anyone else to help get ready. I think Suzy's life is pretty compatible for church on Sunday. People like Suzy forget that it's not about her. She should take some of that precious time she has in church to look at the young family in front of her. Do you know how hard it is to get tights on squirming little girls? How hard it might be for the woman to come alone? The enemy works especially hard on Sundays.
Before you claim you've "never" even thought of doing something so awful as to "throw an orange juice carton across the kitchen before church", think of opening your mind to the possibility that those who sit near you probably did. Maybe church isn't just for you to go and worship and feel God's presence. Maybe it's for you to bring that presence to someone who struggles just to get there. Did Suzy think of that?
And to the carton throwers, we're not perfect. We get stuck in our flesh. We put our eyes on material things, like why our pants don't fit this morning. We put obstacles in our way. We have temper flares. We're just not there yet, and it's okay to still be a work in progress. It's okay that you and Suzy are nothing alike. What's not okay is that Suzy knows you're nothing alike and ignores you because of it.
Just some things to think about today....
This annoys me to no end, because it's exactly why it's hard to be a Christian in this world. It's even harder to witness to someone when they assume you have no faults or weaknesses. If they only knew how imperfect we really are...if they only knew that the disciples Jesus himself chose were some of the most imperfect mess-makers you'd ever want to meet. Did Suzy miss this part of the Bible?
Did "Suzy" also forget that church is not a place for perfect people? It is full of the hurting, the broken, the lost, the seeking, the confused, the abused. You have no idea who is sitting next to you and what they've been through. Before you go all "suzy Christian" on someone, think of them first. Put yourself last. Get off your pedestal or your throne. Worship yes, but remember you're not always in that church for yourself. Don't like the sermon? I've always said, "it must be for someone who needed that today". And it always is. Because it's not about you, Suzy.
Honestly, the reason I loved my former pastor was because he was far from perfect. He was the first person to really reach a part of me that no one else could. Know why? He was broken in much the same places. I think people mistake understanding for commiserating sometimes. It's not that misery loves company, it's that misery needs understanding and compassion in order for it to turn into something of value. To be an overcomer you have to know what it is you're overcoming. Sometimes it doesn't look like a very nice Christian process, does it? Sometimes it makes you look like a whiner or a complainer, and sometimes we are. But if it doesn't come out, it stays in, and that's worse. Hiding what's wrong doesn't make you look strong. It makes you look like a phony.
Do you always have a stress-free Sunday morning? Is it always pleasant finding clothes that match, fit, are clean? Are you dealing with many different moods in your household, making getting out the door that much harder? Did someone forget to put gas in the car and now you're going to be late? Did you drop the orange juice carton and now the dog is licking it up and will have an accident before you even leave? Is your Sunday morning on the way to church all harps and bells? Mine never was. It has never been easy to get up, get ready and get out the door. I have teenagers. I don't think Suzy has kids at all. Or a pet. Or anyone else to help get ready. I think Suzy's life is pretty compatible for church on Sunday. People like Suzy forget that it's not about her. She should take some of that precious time she has in church to look at the young family in front of her. Do you know how hard it is to get tights on squirming little girls? How hard it might be for the woman to come alone? The enemy works especially hard on Sundays.
Before you claim you've "never" even thought of doing something so awful as to "throw an orange juice carton across the kitchen before church", think of opening your mind to the possibility that those who sit near you probably did. Maybe church isn't just for you to go and worship and feel God's presence. Maybe it's for you to bring that presence to someone who struggles just to get there. Did Suzy think of that?
And to the carton throwers, we're not perfect. We get stuck in our flesh. We put our eyes on material things, like why our pants don't fit this morning. We put obstacles in our way. We have temper flares. We're just not there yet, and it's okay to still be a work in progress. It's okay that you and Suzy are nothing alike. What's not okay is that Suzy knows you're nothing alike and ignores you because of it.
Just some things to think about today....
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Chicken Dinner, Lights, Movies, and Family
It's that time of year again, and I'm planning some fun things for our family to do around Christmas time. One of them is our annual trip to Frankenmuth this weekend. Bronner's and chicken dinner. What could be better? Oh, it gets better....
I'm also planning a theme movie night! I've chosen on of my favorites, "It's a Wonderful Life". I love the theme of this movie and think it is so relevant to my two teens. I want them to know that their lives will never be insignificant, no matter how small or defeated they may feel. I want them to know that the kindness of friends and even strangers will be there for them in their times of need. I want them to know that while money is important, helping others is even more important. I want them to know that they are never alone if they have a friend, and that they are far from ordinary. I have some fun plans to lighten this theme up, including some fun favors and a few games. I will be making them a nice meal and offering candy from the 40's. It will be a fun time for sure, whether they think so or not. These are the things they will remember long after they leave home.
And that's not all! I have other things planned, such as the traditional trimming of the tree, baking cookies, caroling, and our light tour. Notice shopping isn't on the list?? I'm hoping to do very little shopping and more hand-making of gifts again this year. I am excited to do our annual Christmas card photo shoot and even more excited for the first significant snow! This is when I open both side doors on the van, open up the windows, blast the Christmas music and "sleigh" us down the driveway! I'm so glad for a nice long driveway!
Sure we have a couple concerts on the list, a church thing or two, but I've got to be honest, sitting on the couch flanked by my family, drinking cocoa, and watching Charlie Brown for the millionth time is my idea of the best Christmas activity ever!! I can't worry about the money and the gifts and the lack of time. I can only try to make Christmas the best family-filled time I can and give my girls memories for a lifetime.
Merry Christmas to you a little early. Maybe the bug has bitten me a bit early this year. I think I'll ride this wave...it's feeling good!
I'm also planning a theme movie night! I've chosen on of my favorites, "It's a Wonderful Life". I love the theme of this movie and think it is so relevant to my two teens. I want them to know that their lives will never be insignificant, no matter how small or defeated they may feel. I want them to know that the kindness of friends and even strangers will be there for them in their times of need. I want them to know that while money is important, helping others is even more important. I want them to know that they are never alone if they have a friend, and that they are far from ordinary. I have some fun plans to lighten this theme up, including some fun favors and a few games. I will be making them a nice meal and offering candy from the 40's. It will be a fun time for sure, whether they think so or not. These are the things they will remember long after they leave home.
And that's not all! I have other things planned, such as the traditional trimming of the tree, baking cookies, caroling, and our light tour. Notice shopping isn't on the list?? I'm hoping to do very little shopping and more hand-making of gifts again this year. I am excited to do our annual Christmas card photo shoot and even more excited for the first significant snow! This is when I open both side doors on the van, open up the windows, blast the Christmas music and "sleigh" us down the driveway! I'm so glad for a nice long driveway!
Sure we have a couple concerts on the list, a church thing or two, but I've got to be honest, sitting on the couch flanked by my family, drinking cocoa, and watching Charlie Brown for the millionth time is my idea of the best Christmas activity ever!! I can't worry about the money and the gifts and the lack of time. I can only try to make Christmas the best family-filled time I can and give my girls memories for a lifetime.
Merry Christmas to you a little early. Maybe the bug has bitten me a bit early this year. I think I'll ride this wave...it's feeling good!
Monday, November 18, 2013
Aisle 15
The four of us went to dinner and stopped at a store afterwards to find some things to make a fox costume. It went fairly quickly at the store, so we were milling around different departments separately, and then would bump back into each other again, only to wander off separately again. We do this often, with the stipulation that the girls always stay together and don't engage with strangers, even the cute teen boy variety!
Usually we text back and forth to let each other know where we are or if we're ready to leave. I love this luxury of having teens and being able to shop uninterrupted again, however, I still like knowing where they are at all times.
The girls were looking at Christmas things with me one minute, then gone the next. Steve had gone off to hardware or hunting, so I stuck around for a bit until Steve came back. I assumed the girls had gone to look at makeup as they often do, but they weren't in the makeup aisle. Or the music aisle...or the clothes...or the books...or the crafts....or the grocery. They didn't seem to be anywhere!
Steve and I didn't panic at first. They are known to get distracted looking at something, or playing a video game display, losing track of time quickly. But as time went on, and the store grew emptier and quieter, I started to secretly panic. The first text message went out to Natalie, the only one with a working phone right now. "Where R U?" No reply. I called. Went directly to message. Ok, I don't like that one bit, so I'm starting to get that wild-eyed mom look about me, and Steve, Mr. Calm, could tell. After 10 more minutes of thinly veiled panicked searching, I urged him to have the girls paged.
My mind was going there. Kidnapped. Assaulted. Abducted. Sold into a human trafficking ring. Drugged. Hurt. Gone!! So as we waited for the extremely slooooowww lady in line at the customer service desk, I am as anxious as can be. If I would have gone up there, I would have interrupted for sure! Steve is so calm. I am a basket case. Inside, of course. I wouldn't want to overreact. Snicker...
So, the girls were paged and we waited at aisle 15 for their hopeful arrival. This was the longest they had ever gone missing in a store, and as my mind went there, it began to feel even more wrong. I had all kinds of scenarios in my head. I was trying to remember what they were wearing. I was thinking, "why do my girls have to be so beautiful? It's just not safe out there!"
As I stood there, eagle-eyed in all directions, they appeared, smiling and giggling to each other. As I placed my hand over my wrecked heart and sighed, they giggled even more. "Mom, you had us paged! It was so embarrassing!" I went on to tell them how freaked out we were getting, and Natalie said, "oh, we're sorry. My phone was dead, so I left it home". Ugh!
"Were you worried someone was going to "get us"? Serena asked. Because they wouldn't mess with this," and she flexed her puny arms. One thing she is right about is that they would fight to the death for each other and they would scream like crazy. Serena may look thin, but she is an animal when you try to fight her. I've tried....:)
So, what were those silly girls doing all that time? They were in the toy aisle, playing with dinosaurs, spiderman, swords, and trying on bike helmets!! And taking pictures and video of it all. I have to admit, I did laugh pretty hard watching their dinosaur fight go down.
I can't believe it, but neither Steve nor I thought to look in the toy aisle!! Steve said he did go down there, but they must have been on the end or something.
Their punishment? Now they have to "hold mommy's hand" whenever we get to the store. Yeah, that will work!!
Usually we text back and forth to let each other know where we are or if we're ready to leave. I love this luxury of having teens and being able to shop uninterrupted again, however, I still like knowing where they are at all times.
The girls were looking at Christmas things with me one minute, then gone the next. Steve had gone off to hardware or hunting, so I stuck around for a bit until Steve came back. I assumed the girls had gone to look at makeup as they often do, but they weren't in the makeup aisle. Or the music aisle...or the clothes...or the books...or the crafts....or the grocery. They didn't seem to be anywhere!
Steve and I didn't panic at first. They are known to get distracted looking at something, or playing a video game display, losing track of time quickly. But as time went on, and the store grew emptier and quieter, I started to secretly panic. The first text message went out to Natalie, the only one with a working phone right now. "Where R U?" No reply. I called. Went directly to message. Ok, I don't like that one bit, so I'm starting to get that wild-eyed mom look about me, and Steve, Mr. Calm, could tell. After 10 more minutes of thinly veiled panicked searching, I urged him to have the girls paged.
My mind was going there. Kidnapped. Assaulted. Abducted. Sold into a human trafficking ring. Drugged. Hurt. Gone!! So as we waited for the extremely slooooowww lady in line at the customer service desk, I am as anxious as can be. If I would have gone up there, I would have interrupted for sure! Steve is so calm. I am a basket case. Inside, of course. I wouldn't want to overreact. Snicker...
So, the girls were paged and we waited at aisle 15 for their hopeful arrival. This was the longest they had ever gone missing in a store, and as my mind went there, it began to feel even more wrong. I had all kinds of scenarios in my head. I was trying to remember what they were wearing. I was thinking, "why do my girls have to be so beautiful? It's just not safe out there!"
As I stood there, eagle-eyed in all directions, they appeared, smiling and giggling to each other. As I placed my hand over my wrecked heart and sighed, they giggled even more. "Mom, you had us paged! It was so embarrassing!" I went on to tell them how freaked out we were getting, and Natalie said, "oh, we're sorry. My phone was dead, so I left it home". Ugh!
"Were you worried someone was going to "get us"? Serena asked. Because they wouldn't mess with this," and she flexed her puny arms. One thing she is right about is that they would fight to the death for each other and they would scream like crazy. Serena may look thin, but she is an animal when you try to fight her. I've tried....:)
So, what were those silly girls doing all that time? They were in the toy aisle, playing with dinosaurs, spiderman, swords, and trying on bike helmets!! And taking pictures and video of it all. I have to admit, I did laugh pretty hard watching their dinosaur fight go down.
I can't believe it, but neither Steve nor I thought to look in the toy aisle!! Steve said he did go down there, but they must have been on the end or something.
Their punishment? Now they have to "hold mommy's hand" whenever we get to the store. Yeah, that will work!!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
It's Mom's Birthday!
Today is a busy day! I am making my mom's birthday cake for a celebration tonight at her house. Of course, I have to run out and get some last minute ingredients...ugh. BUT, I have an exciting gift to present to her, and for that, I am very happy. Mom, if there is any chance you're reading this, stop now or you'll ruin your surprise.
I asked our family a couple of weeks ago, to come up with some memories they have of mom/grandma/aunt... the plan was to combine all the memories and present them to her as a gift. Silly me, I really thought they would do it! My sister replied with 10 good memories, and my brother Jeff came up with a whopping 13! This shocked me, as he started out by saying, "I don't remember anything...can you give me some hints?" Aaargh! :)
BUT, it turns out that those 23 memories, plus a few from me and my girls are just enough. The heck with the rest of you slackers, is what I say. They will just miss out on the blessing. Can I help but be annoyed, perturbed, disappointed? No, I can't. Mom has bent over backwards for all of these who chose not to participate. It is disgusting and I would tell them so, if they didn't already not speak to me anyway. God, I love family. Tee Hee
I am ashamed to say that while I was praying the other day, I did tell God that I didn't understand why he gave me the family I have. (extended family, and I mean a handful of those) Didn't he get my request? Didn't he know that I wanted the Walton's? I needed the Walton's!! And believe me, I get so mad at them that I totally lose any "Walton" I may have inside. You get what you get, apparently. Sigh. Don't get me wrong. I love them. I just don't know how we could be related sometimes. :) Cuz I'm just so perfect, you know....
Anyway, I have lots of nice memories, a cake on the way, a beautiful card, hugs galore, and a wonderful evening planned with my mom. I would have chosen her all over again. Dad can come too. A few would be allowed on my "mountain".....very few.
Happy 70th birthday to my beautiful blessed Mom!!
I asked our family a couple of weeks ago, to come up with some memories they have of mom/grandma/aunt... the plan was to combine all the memories and present them to her as a gift. Silly me, I really thought they would do it! My sister replied with 10 good memories, and my brother Jeff came up with a whopping 13! This shocked me, as he started out by saying, "I don't remember anything...can you give me some hints?" Aaargh! :)
BUT, it turns out that those 23 memories, plus a few from me and my girls are just enough. The heck with the rest of you slackers, is what I say. They will just miss out on the blessing. Can I help but be annoyed, perturbed, disappointed? No, I can't. Mom has bent over backwards for all of these who chose not to participate. It is disgusting and I would tell them so, if they didn't already not speak to me anyway. God, I love family. Tee Hee
I am ashamed to say that while I was praying the other day, I did tell God that I didn't understand why he gave me the family I have. (extended family, and I mean a handful of those) Didn't he get my request? Didn't he know that I wanted the Walton's? I needed the Walton's!! And believe me, I get so mad at them that I totally lose any "Walton" I may have inside. You get what you get, apparently. Sigh. Don't get me wrong. I love them. I just don't know how we could be related sometimes. :) Cuz I'm just so perfect, you know....
Anyway, I have lots of nice memories, a cake on the way, a beautiful card, hugs galore, and a wonderful evening planned with my mom. I would have chosen her all over again. Dad can come too. A few would be allowed on my "mountain".....very few.
Happy 70th birthday to my beautiful blessed Mom!!
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Focus on the "what".
Thanksgiving Day. Will I be shopping? Are you kidding me? NO! I won't be shopping the day after either. I have no desire to watch what I can only call, "the greed show". I'm sorry if you're a big deal hunter on that day. I don't mean to call you greedy! But the general air, when I see people running. RUNNING! with shopping carts, two or more of them- I can only become sick to my stomach. And that was a bad bunch of sentence structure. Who cares.
Anyway, this whole business, and I mean business of having your stores open ON Thanksgiving is just deplorable to me. Do we ever get a rest? Is it ever about family or is it about bargains? Do we ever stop, hesitate, ponder, enjoy, relish in the time we have on holidays, or are we just worried about the next day already? Are we so worried about getting the "deal", that we put our material gain ahead of people? People who are there for the long haul. That gift you're chasing will be forgotten in a week, a day, a month....a minute. The people won't.
I don't mean to poo poo the idea of saving money, I just think Christmas has already been so commercial, why do we need to amp it up even more? Does it really matter that you got the Legos for $10 less? Did it help you buy more of something you need, or did it just make you buy more junk that your kids will forget or not appreciate? Impulse buying. Greed. Gluttony. Overspending. Overeating. Wasting time. Wasting gas. And for what??
Maybe it's the "what" that we all need to focus on. Why do you spend 12 or more hours shopping for deals? Is it because you enjoy giving that much? Is it because you pinch pennies? Is it because secretly you're a compulsive shopper and this gives you free reign? Is it for a more noble reason- that you are on a fixed income and it's the only way to save money and still be able to provide gifts? Or maybe you buy toys for charities. Focus on the "what". Don't just focus on the deal.
Don't just do the whole shopping thing because you think you're missing out on the most fabulous deal in the world ever. Advertising is a great lie. It is meant to make you believe you need things you don't need! It's there to pull you in and take your money. Remember that. Sometimes these shopping trips are a bonding time with your friends or family. Sometimes what you end up with is witnessing the rudest people ever. And my friends, I can't stand that!! I would much rather spend a little more, buy a few less gifts, and keep my peace. I don't mind spending money on people I love. I really don't. I'm pretty disciplined about gift-buying. I've had to be. Just because you have more money doesn't mean you should be spending it. Especially on massive amounts of gifts for your kids, who believe me, will only play with one or two things they really like. The rest is overwhelming.
I am speaking from experience here. I'm not just spouting off today. The best gifts I have given my daughters have been made by my hand. TIME is the best gift. Family movie night is a gift. Sledding is a gift. There is so much we can give to others that doesn't involve leaving them on Thanksgiving in search of the "perfect gift" or the best "deal". The best deal is spending your time with that family you love so much.
Focus on the "what".
Anyway, this whole business, and I mean business of having your stores open ON Thanksgiving is just deplorable to me. Do we ever get a rest? Is it ever about family or is it about bargains? Do we ever stop, hesitate, ponder, enjoy, relish in the time we have on holidays, or are we just worried about the next day already? Are we so worried about getting the "deal", that we put our material gain ahead of people? People who are there for the long haul. That gift you're chasing will be forgotten in a week, a day, a month....a minute. The people won't.
I don't mean to poo poo the idea of saving money, I just think Christmas has already been so commercial, why do we need to amp it up even more? Does it really matter that you got the Legos for $10 less? Did it help you buy more of something you need, or did it just make you buy more junk that your kids will forget or not appreciate? Impulse buying. Greed. Gluttony. Overspending. Overeating. Wasting time. Wasting gas. And for what??
Maybe it's the "what" that we all need to focus on. Why do you spend 12 or more hours shopping for deals? Is it because you enjoy giving that much? Is it because you pinch pennies? Is it because secretly you're a compulsive shopper and this gives you free reign? Is it for a more noble reason- that you are on a fixed income and it's the only way to save money and still be able to provide gifts? Or maybe you buy toys for charities. Focus on the "what". Don't just focus on the deal.
Don't just do the whole shopping thing because you think you're missing out on the most fabulous deal in the world ever. Advertising is a great lie. It is meant to make you believe you need things you don't need! It's there to pull you in and take your money. Remember that. Sometimes these shopping trips are a bonding time with your friends or family. Sometimes what you end up with is witnessing the rudest people ever. And my friends, I can't stand that!! I would much rather spend a little more, buy a few less gifts, and keep my peace. I don't mind spending money on people I love. I really don't. I'm pretty disciplined about gift-buying. I've had to be. Just because you have more money doesn't mean you should be spending it. Especially on massive amounts of gifts for your kids, who believe me, will only play with one or two things they really like. The rest is overwhelming.
I am speaking from experience here. I'm not just spouting off today. The best gifts I have given my daughters have been made by my hand. TIME is the best gift. Family movie night is a gift. Sledding is a gift. There is so much we can give to others that doesn't involve leaving them on Thanksgiving in search of the "perfect gift" or the best "deal". The best deal is spending your time with that family you love so much.
Focus on the "what".
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Thankful
Our "30 Days of Thanksgiving" Project is going much better than I first anticipated. We're on day 10, and everyone is caught up. Well, most everyone. Natalie has proved to be quite the procrastinator. On Day 7, she was thankful for "hand sanitizer". That kills me, really. The child hates the thought of getting sick, or anyone around her getting sick. Thinking someone might be sick in the house puts her in quite a dither, to say the least. She will avoid the suspect at all costs. So, yes. Thank God for sanitizer. Sheesh. I'm thankful it comes in really good-smelling scents these days. Who knew "pumpkin cupcake" scented sanitizer could save the world? Or at least Natalie's world...
Serena was thankful for "grammar" yesterday. Who knows what brought that about. She's the world's youngest English teacher, apparently. I just found that so amusing. And cool. I'm a word nerd, and though it's been awhile since I've studied grammar, I still remember her. She was a kind lady who made wonderful pies...
And Steve, he's keeping it real with his list. He was thankful for the dinner I made the other night. Roast Turkey breast with stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, squash, and rolls. All homemade. This followed the apple and pumpkin pies I had made a couple days beforehand. He might be thankful for my cooking, but I'm not sure what he'll think of his belt size next week. Or mine. Yikes!
Angel has been thankful too. For toys, treats, fresh water, sisters, and "crust bones" on pizza night. She appreciates everything, that happy little thing.
And what was I thankful for today? My thankful family. Yesterday I wrote "Saturdays", although I spent the entire day with a migraine, and so it wasn't my favorite day after all. But the best part was when my family walked through the door. Maybe I should have erased "saturday", and wrote, "when everyone comes home". Yep. That's what I am thankful for the most.
Serena was thankful for "grammar" yesterday. Who knows what brought that about. She's the world's youngest English teacher, apparently. I just found that so amusing. And cool. I'm a word nerd, and though it's been awhile since I've studied grammar, I still remember her. She was a kind lady who made wonderful pies...
And Steve, he's keeping it real with his list. He was thankful for the dinner I made the other night. Roast Turkey breast with stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, squash, and rolls. All homemade. This followed the apple and pumpkin pies I had made a couple days beforehand. He might be thankful for my cooking, but I'm not sure what he'll think of his belt size next week. Or mine. Yikes!
Angel has been thankful too. For toys, treats, fresh water, sisters, and "crust bones" on pizza night. She appreciates everything, that happy little thing.
And what was I thankful for today? My thankful family. Yesterday I wrote "Saturdays", although I spent the entire day with a migraine, and so it wasn't my favorite day after all. But the best part was when my family walked through the door. Maybe I should have erased "saturday", and wrote, "when everyone comes home". Yep. That's what I am thankful for the most.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
A-Ha Moment
I just got one of those "A-Ha" moments Oprah's always talking about. I was reading a post from another blogger this morning. It was about codependency. When you hear that word, what do you think of? I've only ever heard this word used in college psychology or on Dr. Phil. I thought it was one of those specialty words applying to drug or alcohol abuse or "enabling". It's not special at all, it turns out.
This word has to do with me. Here is the definition given in her post:
"Codependency is when we plug into people, places, or things as the source of life. So when my life isn't going so great, I blame_______________________for being the source of my problems."
Wow. I didn't think I really did this, but in some ways, I do.When I'm not feeling strong, I have two choices.
1. Fix it myself. (source of problems)
2. Ask God to help. (source of life)
Codependency fits for both of these choices. If I try to fix something myself, I usually make myself a part of something that has nothing to do with me. If I'm upset about someone or something, placing blame doesn't do anything but keep me stewing in it with no solution. Meanwhile, I am losing my joy and peace.
Stewing=codependency on problems.
If I "plug in" and allow God in to do the damage control, I can have peace. I can know that He will let me know what to do, when to do it, and most importantly, how He wants me to handle it. While I wait, I can stay in peace, knowing the answer is coming.
Letting go=codependency on God.
So I've had the "A-Ha" moment. That doesn't necessarily mean I have it all figured out. But it's definitely something worth pursuing.
This word has to do with me. Here is the definition given in her post:
"Codependency is when we plug into people, places, or things as the source of life. So when my life isn't going so great, I blame_______________________for being the source of my problems."
Wow. I didn't think I really did this, but in some ways, I do.When I'm not feeling strong, I have two choices.
1. Fix it myself. (source of problems)
2. Ask God to help. (source of life)
Codependency fits for both of these choices. If I try to fix something myself, I usually make myself a part of something that has nothing to do with me. If I'm upset about someone or something, placing blame doesn't do anything but keep me stewing in it with no solution. Meanwhile, I am losing my joy and peace.
Stewing=codependency on problems.
If I "plug in" and allow God in to do the damage control, I can have peace. I can know that He will let me know what to do, when to do it, and most importantly, how He wants me to handle it. While I wait, I can stay in peace, knowing the answer is coming.
Letting go=codependency on God.
So I've had the "A-Ha" moment. That doesn't necessarily mean I have it all figured out. But it's definitely something worth pursuing.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
What Legacy Will I leave?
The mother in a family has a big job to do. We start out by taking care of the babies, still taking care of household duties, the laundry, the husband, possibly a job or career, pets, yard work...the list never ends. We become buffers between the world and our home. We feel responsible for everything and everyone. We have guilt that no amount of convincing can change. We want everything to be right. It rarely is. And when it all fails, it's all on us. Maybe I'm alone in this, but I doubt it. I would love to meet a mother who has no challenges.
Somehow each year as the kids grow, my jobs change and get a little more challenging. The husband is working way more than when we first started out. We always had time to take the kids places and just relax. The kids used to be content to play in the backyard or have little friends over or just watch a movie at night. Dinner was simple. Everyone just ate whatever mom made, and it was always together at the table. And mom, though challenges were ever present, found time to scrapbook, hang out with friends, volunteer at school and church. Mom was pretty busy, but fulfilled.
I don't know what happened. I thought about this as I looked at my latest attempt to keep my family togetherness a priority. I decided we needed to do the "30 days of Thanksgiving" lists and share them at dinner time. It's something we used to do when the kids were little, only we hung little colored leaves on a twig. I was a bit late getting it together, but I did mention it about 47 times, that we needed to get busy filling out the first four days. It's day five. Guess who has 5 things to be thankful for? Just me. Everyone else has blank forms hanging on the side of the cabinet.
This is just one example. I have planned day trips, packed picnic lunches, arranged family photos on a whim, made movie night or game night happen, anything I can think of to preserve my family togetherness. With Steve's job requiring more and more travel and frankly, more and more of him, I feel less and less confident that I can pull this off successfully. It takes a whole family to make it work. The girls are all into the internet and you tube and themselves, really. It's all about friends and activities, sometimes homework, projects, practice, or lessons. There are a lot of things threatening not only our family, but all families today.
Growing up we spent nearly every weekend at my grandma's house or she came to see us. Friday nights were playing cards with friends or family and playing with all the cousins. This is not even close to today's family, in my experience. Our kids are blessed by two sets of grandparents. One set is busy all the time. The other...I don't know what they do. They have lots of aunts and uncles we never see. Everyone is busy. No one has time for family anymore. It's not a priority, only on the holidays, and even then, not everyone comes.
If this is the future of my family, I'm pretty sad. I wanted more for my girls. I wanted them to have a big loving family around them all the time. Aunts who took them shopping, uncles who taught them how to do what only uncles can teach. Cousins who played pranks and giggled relentlessly. This has not been the case. So I've tried to step in and make our family home a place they would always remember. But will they let me? I pray that they do. Will they let me do what I know one day they will be so grateful for when they look back at their childhood?
My thankful list top five: 1. God's love. 2. My awesome husband 3. My beautiful daughters. 4. Angel 5. Peace and quiet. (because I need that once in awhile!)
What will 6 be? I'm really hoping it will say, "my family took the time to be thankful".
I know the future of my family doesn't all rest on me, but it "feels" like it does. Coming from "less than perfection", I want to fix in their lives what was broken in mine. Funny thing. It doesn't really work that way at all! So now that I know I have little control over some things and no control over others, I'll give control of my family over to the One who created it. And trust.
Somehow each year as the kids grow, my jobs change and get a little more challenging. The husband is working way more than when we first started out. We always had time to take the kids places and just relax. The kids used to be content to play in the backyard or have little friends over or just watch a movie at night. Dinner was simple. Everyone just ate whatever mom made, and it was always together at the table. And mom, though challenges were ever present, found time to scrapbook, hang out with friends, volunteer at school and church. Mom was pretty busy, but fulfilled.
I don't know what happened. I thought about this as I looked at my latest attempt to keep my family togetherness a priority. I decided we needed to do the "30 days of Thanksgiving" lists and share them at dinner time. It's something we used to do when the kids were little, only we hung little colored leaves on a twig. I was a bit late getting it together, but I did mention it about 47 times, that we needed to get busy filling out the first four days. It's day five. Guess who has 5 things to be thankful for? Just me. Everyone else has blank forms hanging on the side of the cabinet.
This is just one example. I have planned day trips, packed picnic lunches, arranged family photos on a whim, made movie night or game night happen, anything I can think of to preserve my family togetherness. With Steve's job requiring more and more travel and frankly, more and more of him, I feel less and less confident that I can pull this off successfully. It takes a whole family to make it work. The girls are all into the internet and you tube and themselves, really. It's all about friends and activities, sometimes homework, projects, practice, or lessons. There are a lot of things threatening not only our family, but all families today.
Growing up we spent nearly every weekend at my grandma's house or she came to see us. Friday nights were playing cards with friends or family and playing with all the cousins. This is not even close to today's family, in my experience. Our kids are blessed by two sets of grandparents. One set is busy all the time. The other...I don't know what they do. They have lots of aunts and uncles we never see. Everyone is busy. No one has time for family anymore. It's not a priority, only on the holidays, and even then, not everyone comes.
If this is the future of my family, I'm pretty sad. I wanted more for my girls. I wanted them to have a big loving family around them all the time. Aunts who took them shopping, uncles who taught them how to do what only uncles can teach. Cousins who played pranks and giggled relentlessly. This has not been the case. So I've tried to step in and make our family home a place they would always remember. But will they let me? I pray that they do. Will they let me do what I know one day they will be so grateful for when they look back at their childhood?
My thankful list top five: 1. God's love. 2. My awesome husband 3. My beautiful daughters. 4. Angel 5. Peace and quiet. (because I need that once in awhile!)
What will 6 be? I'm really hoping it will say, "my family took the time to be thankful".
I know the future of my family doesn't all rest on me, but it "feels" like it does. Coming from "less than perfection", I want to fix in their lives what was broken in mine. Funny thing. It doesn't really work that way at all! So now that I know I have little control over some things and no control over others, I'll give control of my family over to the One who created it. And trust.
Monday, November 4, 2013
My Seasons
As the last of the fall leaves blow into the woods, the preparation for winter snow begins. And as nature makes its way into a sleepy state, I have to wake up. I've been asleep too long.
Nature doesn't fight its way between seasons. It transitions gracefully. One day you see a red or orange leaf, and then before you know it, the trees are aflame, somehow mysteriously transformed while we weren't looking. It doesn't mourn the loss of its leaves and the green of the grass, yet it readies itself for the challenges to come. Snow...frost...wind, ice. Only nature knows no limitations. Nature is God at His best. It is proof of His existence and evidence that He loves us. It can endure everything. It is powerful even in it's weakest states.
This morning the sky was a beautiful purpley pinkish color, as it sometimes is on the way to school. I've said it many times before to the girls, "look at God's sky this morning. It's a God color!" I can't even name it! It's kind of orchid, kind of pink, kind of orange. But not describable. It's a God color. And it touches me. God loves me through nature.
So if God designed nature with so much love and such detail, why do I forget that I was designed this way as well? I read it in the Bible..."I am God's workmanship", Psalm 139:15 tells it all. Why do I forget, when nature screams it every day?
I need to wake up. I need to know that God painted me with His special colors too. God designed me to make someone happy. God designed me for a purpose for this great plan of His. I'm not here to be upset, angry, anxious, sad, resentful, lost, empty. I am here to be full of love, giving love, receiving love, and being a light for Christ. Why do I forget that so often? Why do I let negative thoughts destroy what I know to be true? Why do I let insensitive people decide how I'm going to feel that day? Why do I lose hope when I clearly know better?
That miracle tree out in front of our house tells me to hope. Its trunk is rotted out. It's barely hanging on, yet this year, it produced fruit. Not just one apple, but many! And that seemingly weak tree is holding on to those apples with strength it doesn't appear to have. That tree, which must be a hundred years old, doesn't know it has limitations. It just knows, "i am a tree. my purpose is to make apples."
I am a person. Designed by God. Given a purpose. To love and to be loved. And though I feel weak, I can be strong because the One who designed me sustains me when it looks like I can't sustain myself. To use my weakness to show others what can be done with God. Just like my miracle tree, which doesn't let weakness slow down its purpose.
What is my ultimate purpose? I've read books about finding your purpose, but it's not in those books. My purpose is somewhere in me, waiting to be found. Bits and pieces are revealed to me at times when I least expect it. It doesn't come on a billboard. Wouldn't that be easy? But finding what God wants for me is not something to be hurried through or frustrated about. It's like nature, it's a transitional thing. He will give me the pieces I can handle and recognize. Then he'll give me a bit more. I'm the one who slows this down. Not God.
And so I need to wake up and open myself up to new possibilities and challenges, so that I can be the effective servant God needs me to be. I need to shake off anything that slows me down and keep my focus on staying positive. It will be like nature going from spring to summer to fall and then to winter.....and then back again and again.
Nature doesn't fight its way between seasons. It transitions gracefully. One day you see a red or orange leaf, and then before you know it, the trees are aflame, somehow mysteriously transformed while we weren't looking. It doesn't mourn the loss of its leaves and the green of the grass, yet it readies itself for the challenges to come. Snow...frost...wind, ice. Only nature knows no limitations. Nature is God at His best. It is proof of His existence and evidence that He loves us. It can endure everything. It is powerful even in it's weakest states.
This morning the sky was a beautiful purpley pinkish color, as it sometimes is on the way to school. I've said it many times before to the girls, "look at God's sky this morning. It's a God color!" I can't even name it! It's kind of orchid, kind of pink, kind of orange. But not describable. It's a God color. And it touches me. God loves me through nature.
So if God designed nature with so much love and such detail, why do I forget that I was designed this way as well? I read it in the Bible..."I am God's workmanship", Psalm 139:15 tells it all. Why do I forget, when nature screams it every day?
I need to wake up. I need to know that God painted me with His special colors too. God designed me to make someone happy. God designed me for a purpose for this great plan of His. I'm not here to be upset, angry, anxious, sad, resentful, lost, empty. I am here to be full of love, giving love, receiving love, and being a light for Christ. Why do I forget that so often? Why do I let negative thoughts destroy what I know to be true? Why do I let insensitive people decide how I'm going to feel that day? Why do I lose hope when I clearly know better?
That miracle tree out in front of our house tells me to hope. Its trunk is rotted out. It's barely hanging on, yet this year, it produced fruit. Not just one apple, but many! And that seemingly weak tree is holding on to those apples with strength it doesn't appear to have. That tree, which must be a hundred years old, doesn't know it has limitations. It just knows, "i am a tree. my purpose is to make apples."
I am a person. Designed by God. Given a purpose. To love and to be loved. And though I feel weak, I can be strong because the One who designed me sustains me when it looks like I can't sustain myself. To use my weakness to show others what can be done with God. Just like my miracle tree, which doesn't let weakness slow down its purpose.
What is my ultimate purpose? I've read books about finding your purpose, but it's not in those books. My purpose is somewhere in me, waiting to be found. Bits and pieces are revealed to me at times when I least expect it. It doesn't come on a billboard. Wouldn't that be easy? But finding what God wants for me is not something to be hurried through or frustrated about. It's like nature, it's a transitional thing. He will give me the pieces I can handle and recognize. Then he'll give me a bit more. I'm the one who slows this down. Not God.
And so I need to wake up and open myself up to new possibilities and challenges, so that I can be the effective servant God needs me to be. I need to shake off anything that slows me down and keep my focus on staying positive. It will be like nature going from spring to summer to fall and then to winter.....and then back again and again.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Blessed by Ordinary Days
Today feels like fall! It's crisp outside, the leaves are brown, and I am dreaming of chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Although I've never actually eaten a chestnut, it sounds pretty darn good right now. I would settle for an open fire!
I think it's time to rearrange the furniture, make the living room a bit more warm and cozy, and ready it for movie nights around here.
It's no wonder I begin to put my weight back on this time of year. Food is such a glorious comfort on these cold days! I am known to pop up a bowl of popcorn, throw in some hull-less caramel corn, salt it up good, and cue up a good Hallmark movie. Ahhh..Sunday afternoons....
But today, hubby gets back home from yet another trip, and I really need to get the house picked up. Not that he cares. He isn't one of "those" men, thankfully. But I like him to come home to a neat, picked up, happy home, with something bubbling in the oven. I guess I am one of "those" wives, and it works for me!!
Have a nice day out there, whoever is listening anymore, and be blessed by your day, whatever it holds. Even if it's laundry...or business travel...or a sick kid on the couch. Find something to be blessed by. It won't take you long, I promise!
I think it's time to rearrange the furniture, make the living room a bit more warm and cozy, and ready it for movie nights around here.
It's no wonder I begin to put my weight back on this time of year. Food is such a glorious comfort on these cold days! I am known to pop up a bowl of popcorn, throw in some hull-less caramel corn, salt it up good, and cue up a good Hallmark movie. Ahhh..Sunday afternoons....
But today, hubby gets back home from yet another trip, and I really need to get the house picked up. Not that he cares. He isn't one of "those" men, thankfully. But I like him to come home to a neat, picked up, happy home, with something bubbling in the oven. I guess I am one of "those" wives, and it works for me!!
Have a nice day out there, whoever is listening anymore, and be blessed by your day, whatever it holds. Even if it's laundry...or business travel...or a sick kid on the couch. Find something to be blessed by. It won't take you long, I promise!
Monday, October 28, 2013
Too Rattled to Write
I'm never sure what I'm going to write about until I sit down. I just finished reading the post on a Caring Bridge site I've been following. It's of a young girl diagnosed with brain cancer, starting at age 6. Her mother is a Christian, torn between the needs of her sick child and the needs of her two healthy ones, plus a husband, and all that comes with a so-called normal life. But it is really so much deeper than that. Her mom, though gripped with uncertainty, leans so completely on God and her faith to get her through. She's not just hurting over her daughter's and her own pain as a mother, but she is feeling the pain of other kids and parents in the oncology waiting rooms. Not only that, but she has started a Christmas collection party in order to provide gifts to sick children. Remember, sickness doesn't care if it's a holiday or not. These kids don't deserve this.
This description she painted today brought me to tears. It made me realize that although my daughter's pain is real and so is mine, I'm not preparing to possibly say goodbye to her. She's not struggling to speak. And while I recently acknowledged that "pain is pain" and everyone's pain is valid, I don't want this mother's pain. It IS worse than mine. Her daughter's future unknown.
So while it IS okay for the painholder to decide which pain is worse, it is NOT for the observer. Observers have no idea how people are feeling inside, and should only be compassionate. Like the mother in the waiting room with the obviously sick son, whose birthday was that day. He was so ill he could barely hold up his head. She could have looked away, but instead wished him a happy birthday. His mother was so obviously grateful. Not only did she thank this mom for wishing him a happy birthday, she thanked her for acknowledging her son. Just letting someone know you notice, you see their pain, you care because you are a human, can go so far in a person's life.
People tell me I will have no questions when I get to heaven because I will just be so overjoyed to meet Jesus. But on this earth, I have so many.
Please pray for Kate, her mom Holly, Dad Aaron, and siblings Will and Olivia.
This description she painted today brought me to tears. It made me realize that although my daughter's pain is real and so is mine, I'm not preparing to possibly say goodbye to her. She's not struggling to speak. And while I recently acknowledged that "pain is pain" and everyone's pain is valid, I don't want this mother's pain. It IS worse than mine. Her daughter's future unknown.
So while it IS okay for the painholder to decide which pain is worse, it is NOT for the observer. Observers have no idea how people are feeling inside, and should only be compassionate. Like the mother in the waiting room with the obviously sick son, whose birthday was that day. He was so ill he could barely hold up his head. She could have looked away, but instead wished him a happy birthday. His mother was so obviously grateful. Not only did she thank this mom for wishing him a happy birthday, she thanked her for acknowledging her son. Just letting someone know you notice, you see their pain, you care because you are a human, can go so far in a person's life.
People tell me I will have no questions when I get to heaven because I will just be so overjoyed to meet Jesus. But on this earth, I have so many.
Please pray for Kate, her mom Holly, Dad Aaron, and siblings Will and Olivia.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Stuff I don't normally talk about..
Today was "wake up annoyed" day. I hate these days. I should be pretty happy, as my hubby has been in Georgia all week and he finally got home last night. We went to the football game, watched our daughter march for the last time this season. We watched our team win big and we laughed with some friends from church.
But earlier in the week, my mom called me. I didn't even get a chance to tell her Steve was gone because she had another call come in and told me she had to take it. I assumed as it always seems to turn out, that it was the "prayer chain" calling. It used to be the food bank that always interrupted. I've gotten used to these sporadic conversations, but to be honest, I don't like it. I found out at the game that it was my sister's call she took, and no, she never did call me "right back". This only bugs me because I am made to feel that I "take her for granted". Funny, I feel that way too.
Somehow I hoped her "retirement" would have opened up some time to spend together, but she's not really retired. She's busier than ever. And that's fine if she wants to be busy all the time, but to me it's a flashback to my childhood where all she did was work. And work. And work. I have stopped to visit, but I kid you not, her phone rings off the wall, and unless it's an 800 number, she will take it, and she will talk to whoever it is. I have left there many a time while she is still on the phone. No, I don't take you for granted. I just never seem to get you alone.
And so it is with Mother/Daughter relationships. I already have a better relationship with my girls that my mom had with me. Maybe it's because I chose to stay at home and raise them that we've got such a strong bond. They have grown up playing with their mom, which is something I have never done with mine. I have jumped in leaves with them, played in lakes with them, wrestled, and done all the crazy stuff they want to do, and it makes me overjoyed. Better yet, they are well-adjusted, intelligent, talented, open-minded, and fun-loving. They tell me anything, for the most part. I bite my tongue and give them the wisdom God told me to give them!
I relish in being a mother. It is my calling. It is a gift and a joy to be a mom. I am grateful every day that God chose me for those special girls. I can only hope that my retirement will include driving or flying to see them and their families as much as they'll allow. This will be my legacy.
But earlier in the week, my mom called me. I didn't even get a chance to tell her Steve was gone because she had another call come in and told me she had to take it. I assumed as it always seems to turn out, that it was the "prayer chain" calling. It used to be the food bank that always interrupted. I've gotten used to these sporadic conversations, but to be honest, I don't like it. I found out at the game that it was my sister's call she took, and no, she never did call me "right back". This only bugs me because I am made to feel that I "take her for granted". Funny, I feel that way too.
Somehow I hoped her "retirement" would have opened up some time to spend together, but she's not really retired. She's busier than ever. And that's fine if she wants to be busy all the time, but to me it's a flashback to my childhood where all she did was work. And work. And work. I have stopped to visit, but I kid you not, her phone rings off the wall, and unless it's an 800 number, she will take it, and she will talk to whoever it is. I have left there many a time while she is still on the phone. No, I don't take you for granted. I just never seem to get you alone.
And so it is with Mother/Daughter relationships. I already have a better relationship with my girls that my mom had with me. Maybe it's because I chose to stay at home and raise them that we've got such a strong bond. They have grown up playing with their mom, which is something I have never done with mine. I have jumped in leaves with them, played in lakes with them, wrestled, and done all the crazy stuff they want to do, and it makes me overjoyed. Better yet, they are well-adjusted, intelligent, talented, open-minded, and fun-loving. They tell me anything, for the most part. I bite my tongue and give them the wisdom God told me to give them!
I relish in being a mother. It is my calling. It is a gift and a joy to be a mom. I am grateful every day that God chose me for those special girls. I can only hope that my retirement will include driving or flying to see them and their families as much as they'll allow. This will be my legacy.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Pain Pain Go Away...
I don't know what my problem is, but lately all I want to do is eat! Comfort foods mainly...apple dumplings, soup in bread bowls, hunks of bread, cookies, pies, pasta....And why has this happened? I have been eating pretty healthy and losing some weight, although I don't care much about my weight anymore, believe it or not. It's just there. Suddenly, I have this ravenous appetite for food, and I want to eat all day! This is not normally like me, though I do follow more of a 5 small meal program throughout the day to keep my blood sugar stable. I don't know...maybe I'm really a bear and I'm getting ready to hibernate? Maybe it's watching all those leaves fall from the trees in my yard and feeling that foreboding chill in the air that says..."start hoarding your acorns...it's coming!"
Whatever it is, it's annoying. I was even eating doritoes...and cheetos...and now and later taffy...and jelly beans...and lifesaver sour gummies....ugh. Those are not acorns, I'm pretty sure. So, I'm frustrated with my appetite, and all the protein-packed yogurt and fruit isn't touching it one bit.
You may be thinking...well, why don't you just make sure to amp up your workout? I wish I could! I have had this frustrating knee problem since June, and it's not going anywhere. I had an appointment with a specialist, and it got pushed back 5 days. I'm finally going on Monday. I'm sure they won't provide a miracle cure right then and there, so I'm sure I will have to have the standard MRI before they'll do anything. I have missed being able to take my dog out to the rail trail and walk my three miles a day. I was doing so well with my weight and my stress level...sigh... it just seems sometimes I just can't seem to catch a break!!
Maybe that's why I have returned to my unhealthy eating habits...it's hard to break a vicious cycle of eating/stress/eating/stress/ and on and on. I don't think I reward myself with food necessarily, but I do find comfort in it sometimes. Mostly I find comfort in being able to walk when I want to, and have enough energy at the end of the day. I have experienced chronic pain before, and what I know is that it is super exhausting to have pain non-stop and have no relief. I am fortunate that mine seems to be remissive, but with the knee issue...man, I'm just sick of it!!
I have often thought that maybe God allowed this pain (pretty insignificant compared to other pain I have had) so that I am constantly aware of Natalie's pain. I have been guilty of "forgetting" that she has back pain, and "forgetting" that she needs help carrying things. More than once I have gotten in the van and waited for her, forgetting I needed to grab her backpack. Now I'm the one who has trouble walking on stairs and bleachers, and can't move furniture or bend as well. We are quite the pair, my daughter and me. "The two gimpys", Steve affectionately calls us.
One thing I have been reminded of through all of this is that pain, whoever it belongs to and for whatever reason it is there, everyone deserves the "right" to their own pain. How offensive it can be sometimes to hear," well, yeah, but it could be worse. You could have cancer,etc.." Though it may be true, it is of little consolation, and it totally disrespects the other person's feelings. If you break your ankle, your ankle hurts. If you have cancer, you are probably worse off, but like we don't compare people, we shouldn't compare illness either. I think it helps us to keep our eyes on others to consider another person having it worse than we do, but it doesn't remove the pain we ourselves are going through. People need understanding and validation, not judgement and comparison. I have tried very hard to treat others with these thoughts in mind. It can be hard to hear someone trying to "top your story" when it comes to pain. "Oh, yes, but you should have what I have!" To me, that's just a little self-centered, but maybe that person has no one left to talk to. You never know. That's why you don't judge what you "think" is happening with someone's pain.
So, yes, I have a little knee pain, and it's really not that bad. I can walk, I can walk pretty fast actually. Sometimes I can handle stairs, sometimes I can't, but it really doesn't stop me from enjoying life. It just bugs me, and yes, it could be worse! I could be my own daughter, who feels pain nearly every day and hardly ever tells me. She hasn't been able to return to her normal life, and yet, I don't hear her whining at all. She reminds me every day that challenges are to be met with grace and courage, not whining and bellyaching. Although if she wants to whine, it is fine by me. If she wants to cry, I will cry too.
And so it is again, I start my post about eating too much and I make it about something else. I didn't say I was an accomplished writer, did I? I just like to write. Don't compare me to Hemingway anytime soon....
Whatever it is, it's annoying. I was even eating doritoes...and cheetos...and now and later taffy...and jelly beans...and lifesaver sour gummies....ugh. Those are not acorns, I'm pretty sure. So, I'm frustrated with my appetite, and all the protein-packed yogurt and fruit isn't touching it one bit.
You may be thinking...well, why don't you just make sure to amp up your workout? I wish I could! I have had this frustrating knee problem since June, and it's not going anywhere. I had an appointment with a specialist, and it got pushed back 5 days. I'm finally going on Monday. I'm sure they won't provide a miracle cure right then and there, so I'm sure I will have to have the standard MRI before they'll do anything. I have missed being able to take my dog out to the rail trail and walk my three miles a day. I was doing so well with my weight and my stress level...sigh... it just seems sometimes I just can't seem to catch a break!!
Maybe that's why I have returned to my unhealthy eating habits...it's hard to break a vicious cycle of eating/stress/eating/stress/ and on and on. I don't think I reward myself with food necessarily, but I do find comfort in it sometimes. Mostly I find comfort in being able to walk when I want to, and have enough energy at the end of the day. I have experienced chronic pain before, and what I know is that it is super exhausting to have pain non-stop and have no relief. I am fortunate that mine seems to be remissive, but with the knee issue...man, I'm just sick of it!!
I have often thought that maybe God allowed this pain (pretty insignificant compared to other pain I have had) so that I am constantly aware of Natalie's pain. I have been guilty of "forgetting" that she has back pain, and "forgetting" that she needs help carrying things. More than once I have gotten in the van and waited for her, forgetting I needed to grab her backpack. Now I'm the one who has trouble walking on stairs and bleachers, and can't move furniture or bend as well. We are quite the pair, my daughter and me. "The two gimpys", Steve affectionately calls us.
One thing I have been reminded of through all of this is that pain, whoever it belongs to and for whatever reason it is there, everyone deserves the "right" to their own pain. How offensive it can be sometimes to hear," well, yeah, but it could be worse. You could have cancer,etc.." Though it may be true, it is of little consolation, and it totally disrespects the other person's feelings. If you break your ankle, your ankle hurts. If you have cancer, you are probably worse off, but like we don't compare people, we shouldn't compare illness either. I think it helps us to keep our eyes on others to consider another person having it worse than we do, but it doesn't remove the pain we ourselves are going through. People need understanding and validation, not judgement and comparison. I have tried very hard to treat others with these thoughts in mind. It can be hard to hear someone trying to "top your story" when it comes to pain. "Oh, yes, but you should have what I have!" To me, that's just a little self-centered, but maybe that person has no one left to talk to. You never know. That's why you don't judge what you "think" is happening with someone's pain.
So, yes, I have a little knee pain, and it's really not that bad. I can walk, I can walk pretty fast actually. Sometimes I can handle stairs, sometimes I can't, but it really doesn't stop me from enjoying life. It just bugs me, and yes, it could be worse! I could be my own daughter, who feels pain nearly every day and hardly ever tells me. She hasn't been able to return to her normal life, and yet, I don't hear her whining at all. She reminds me every day that challenges are to be met with grace and courage, not whining and bellyaching. Although if she wants to whine, it is fine by me. If she wants to cry, I will cry too.
And so it is again, I start my post about eating too much and I make it about something else. I didn't say I was an accomplished writer, did I? I just like to write. Don't compare me to Hemingway anytime soon....
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Son of a Brother
Since my arrival on Facebook, I've been annoyed more. It hasn't been the typical things that annoy people, although I'm making a big assumption that Facebook annoys other people too. And an even bigger assumption that I know what those annoying things are.
Awhile back, my 30-ish year old nephew, who rarely posts anything, decides to post that he's going to unfriend people if they don't stop posting what he called "religious stuff". It was quite rude, arrogant, and quite honestly, I was very disappointed in him. So, being the aunt that I have always been to him, I comment to that: "You can unfriend me. It's okay." Part of me wanted him to know who he was actually talking to. Part of me was feeling defeated that so many of my family members still don't understand what a relationship with God really means. And yet another part of me just wanted to slap the boy up a bit! My comment was to bring awareness to him, not to be rude.
I then get a private message from him that says he has nothing but love and respect for me, and that it wasn't anything I posted that was upsetting him. But at the end, he had to tarnish that by saying "but I have a right to my opinion and I have free speech, and I can say whatever I want." and some other stuff. Yes, you can. But you can also learn manners, young man.
I replied that it wasn't that he offended me personally, it's just that is how I myself deal with posts I don't care for. I will either hide them or I will unfriend them, rather than make a statement that could hurt someone. See, I'm "old school". While I understand freedom of speech and all of that, I still expect manners, respect, courtesy, and integrity when someone is expressing anything. Yes, you have freedom of speech. But in this country we also have a freedom to get informed before we speak, and few care to check facts or research anything before they run off with their mouths. That is what tarnishes our freedoms, in my opinion. It's what makes it hard to be heard, when jaw flappers just flap because they "have a right to do that". We also have a right to remain silent, and sometimes silence is a sign of courage and strength. Doesn't it take a lot more to be quiet when you really want to speak? But you know it's not the right time or you know it's not for you to say? There is a reason why "biting your tongue" hurts.
So back to my nephew. He was not raised knowing the Lord. He didn't go to church, he has an alcoholic father, who basically didn't raise him, but inflicted him greatly. His mother married a Catholic and so he and his sister converted to Catholicism and he went to a parochial school. He was married in a Catholic church as well. All he has ever known about God is that we follow rules and "do" things to "get" to the next "level". We do this and we do that. And while I won't beat up on any religion, I do have insight on this one, as I was raised Catholic. I do know that a relationship with Christ was never discussed and we were not encouraged to interpret or read Scripture on our own. We were taught that the Pope was the closest thing to God and prayers had to be taken to the "Father" or priest of the church. We weren't to be praying on our own. We took Communion robotically every Sunday. (I did not. I was never confirmed) Nowhere in my life did I hear anyone tell me that I could have a relationship with Jesus. Until I went to a non-denominational Christian church in my adulthood. My eyes were opened wide! Then my heart followed.
So while I want to be annoyed with this headstrong nephew of mine, I do know there is a wall between him and God. If he knew he could have a relationship with Christ, maybe he could reconcile the well-understood anger he has toward his dad. Maybe he could understand that he is loved, despite his mistakes. Maybe he could feel a peace in his heart instead of what I can only imagine he feels at times. He does believe in God. He just doesn't know that it has anything personally to do with him. Hence, the wall. For some reason he is extremely intimidated and annoyed by "religious" people. Actually, "religious" people kind of annoy me too....I sort of get what he means.
Again, if you are Catholic, please don't assume I am beating up on your religion. My family has a long history with it, my in-laws (nearly every single one) are Catholic. I have Catholic friends. My family's experience was not a good one. That may not be the case for you. I could say, I have freedom of speech and hide behind that, but I do care if I hurt someone with my words. And yes, everyone in this country is blessed to have freedom of speech and to worship the way we believe.
I love my nephew and so I am praying that his eyes will be opened and his heart will be softened and that God will woo him gently to Himself. That he will become the spiritual leader of his family and a great man of God. That he will know the peace that comes when you understand forgiveness, redemption, pure acceptance, understanding and above all, love. That he will gain humility, then knowledge, and then wisdom. Here he will find freedom. A different kind of freedom than the one the Constitution offers.
And may the Lord help me to contain my frustration and to be a light for Him instead. Because it's truly not about how I feel. It's about a life changed, and there is nothing more important than that.
Awhile back, my 30-ish year old nephew, who rarely posts anything, decides to post that he's going to unfriend people if they don't stop posting what he called "religious stuff". It was quite rude, arrogant, and quite honestly, I was very disappointed in him. So, being the aunt that I have always been to him, I comment to that: "You can unfriend me. It's okay." Part of me wanted him to know who he was actually talking to. Part of me was feeling defeated that so many of my family members still don't understand what a relationship with God really means. And yet another part of me just wanted to slap the boy up a bit! My comment was to bring awareness to him, not to be rude.
I then get a private message from him that says he has nothing but love and respect for me, and that it wasn't anything I posted that was upsetting him. But at the end, he had to tarnish that by saying "but I have a right to my opinion and I have free speech, and I can say whatever I want." and some other stuff. Yes, you can. But you can also learn manners, young man.
I replied that it wasn't that he offended me personally, it's just that is how I myself deal with posts I don't care for. I will either hide them or I will unfriend them, rather than make a statement that could hurt someone. See, I'm "old school". While I understand freedom of speech and all of that, I still expect manners, respect, courtesy, and integrity when someone is expressing anything. Yes, you have freedom of speech. But in this country we also have a freedom to get informed before we speak, and few care to check facts or research anything before they run off with their mouths. That is what tarnishes our freedoms, in my opinion. It's what makes it hard to be heard, when jaw flappers just flap because they "have a right to do that". We also have a right to remain silent, and sometimes silence is a sign of courage and strength. Doesn't it take a lot more to be quiet when you really want to speak? But you know it's not the right time or you know it's not for you to say? There is a reason why "biting your tongue" hurts.
So back to my nephew. He was not raised knowing the Lord. He didn't go to church, he has an alcoholic father, who basically didn't raise him, but inflicted him greatly. His mother married a Catholic and so he and his sister converted to Catholicism and he went to a parochial school. He was married in a Catholic church as well. All he has ever known about God is that we follow rules and "do" things to "get" to the next "level". We do this and we do that. And while I won't beat up on any religion, I do have insight on this one, as I was raised Catholic. I do know that a relationship with Christ was never discussed and we were not encouraged to interpret or read Scripture on our own. We were taught that the Pope was the closest thing to God and prayers had to be taken to the "Father" or priest of the church. We weren't to be praying on our own. We took Communion robotically every Sunday. (I did not. I was never confirmed) Nowhere in my life did I hear anyone tell me that I could have a relationship with Jesus. Until I went to a non-denominational Christian church in my adulthood. My eyes were opened wide! Then my heart followed.
So while I want to be annoyed with this headstrong nephew of mine, I do know there is a wall between him and God. If he knew he could have a relationship with Christ, maybe he could reconcile the well-understood anger he has toward his dad. Maybe he could understand that he is loved, despite his mistakes. Maybe he could feel a peace in his heart instead of what I can only imagine he feels at times. He does believe in God. He just doesn't know that it has anything personally to do with him. Hence, the wall. For some reason he is extremely intimidated and annoyed by "religious" people. Actually, "religious" people kind of annoy me too....I sort of get what he means.
Again, if you are Catholic, please don't assume I am beating up on your religion. My family has a long history with it, my in-laws (nearly every single one) are Catholic. I have Catholic friends. My family's experience was not a good one. That may not be the case for you. I could say, I have freedom of speech and hide behind that, but I do care if I hurt someone with my words. And yes, everyone in this country is blessed to have freedom of speech and to worship the way we believe.
I love my nephew and so I am praying that his eyes will be opened and his heart will be softened and that God will woo him gently to Himself. That he will become the spiritual leader of his family and a great man of God. That he will know the peace that comes when you understand forgiveness, redemption, pure acceptance, understanding and above all, love. That he will gain humility, then knowledge, and then wisdom. Here he will find freedom. A different kind of freedom than the one the Constitution offers.
And may the Lord help me to contain my frustration and to be a light for Him instead. Because it's truly not about how I feel. It's about a life changed, and there is nothing more important than that.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Domestigirl
I am a domestic girl at heart. I have always known this about myself, but since having the opportunity to stay at home and raise my family, I have really developed this realization. Parts of me are not-so-domestic, such as my unwillingness to sew. It's not that I can't. I have three sewing machines and a stocked sewing basket. I simply do not like sewing. Period. Maybe sewing hates me. Either way, we broke up a long time ago and there is no chance of reconciliation.
I love to cook, but I'm not all fancy schmancy about ingredients, tools, and techniques. I simply love to cook. I don't care about the latest greatest foods that are "out there". I don't care what everyone else is making, baking, shaking, etc.. I do what feels right to me and makes my family happy. If that means making my old-fashioned "crap on a shingle" instead of quinoa flax seed organic natural something or other, then so be it. Crap it is. And we all love it. Especially with an extra splash of "what's this here" sauce.
I do consider myself to be pretty "crafty", however, traditional crafts bore me. I have made stuff all my life. I never follow directions. I never do what the instructions advise. I can work a glue gun like no other, and I only craft when I feel like it, which might be a year from now. I don't stockpile craft supplies. That would just intimidate me and take the fun right out of it. When I craft, I just go around collecting what I might need. That in itself is actually pretty fun for me. I might get bored mid-craft and leave it there for days. Some people call that unmotivated. I call it "Craft ADD", which means, when I can't pay attention anymore, I walk away for awhile!
Hence, the reason my scrapbooks are waiting to be finished. I would like to say that scrapbooking is fun and relaxing for me. It is not. The newer methods and products for scrapbooking are intimidating! Like, you can't just slap a photo and a caption on there. You have to make a homemade whichimijig too! God forbid someone looks at your book and they don't like it! See, that's just insane. These books are for ME and MY KIDS. No one else should care, so why does it bug me?? Too many choices gets this ADD case all aflutter. So, my decision has been made. I will be scrapbooking with novices from now on. And only in my home. With my old junk. And my creativity intact. I can do this. And I will not be posting pages. It's not your business. :) Insert smiley face.
Oh, yes. I am back. I am blogging like a storm. Perhaps the most creative thing I can do is THINK something and then WRITE it down. And only that brings me relief, comfort, joy, and peace when all is said and done. And with the right kind of printer, this blog will be better than any craft I could make, any meal I can throw together, and better than any ole scrapbook page.
This is me. Domestic. Writer. Thinker. Lover of trying 100 things at the same time and finishing none. Enjoy the ride.
I love to cook, but I'm not all fancy schmancy about ingredients, tools, and techniques. I simply love to cook. I don't care about the latest greatest foods that are "out there". I don't care what everyone else is making, baking, shaking, etc.. I do what feels right to me and makes my family happy. If that means making my old-fashioned "crap on a shingle" instead of quinoa flax seed organic natural something or other, then so be it. Crap it is. And we all love it. Especially with an extra splash of "what's this here" sauce.
I do consider myself to be pretty "crafty", however, traditional crafts bore me. I have made stuff all my life. I never follow directions. I never do what the instructions advise. I can work a glue gun like no other, and I only craft when I feel like it, which might be a year from now. I don't stockpile craft supplies. That would just intimidate me and take the fun right out of it. When I craft, I just go around collecting what I might need. That in itself is actually pretty fun for me. I might get bored mid-craft and leave it there for days. Some people call that unmotivated. I call it "Craft ADD", which means, when I can't pay attention anymore, I walk away for awhile!
Hence, the reason my scrapbooks are waiting to be finished. I would like to say that scrapbooking is fun and relaxing for me. It is not. The newer methods and products for scrapbooking are intimidating! Like, you can't just slap a photo and a caption on there. You have to make a homemade whichimijig too! God forbid someone looks at your book and they don't like it! See, that's just insane. These books are for ME and MY KIDS. No one else should care, so why does it bug me?? Too many choices gets this ADD case all aflutter. So, my decision has been made. I will be scrapbooking with novices from now on. And only in my home. With my old junk. And my creativity intact. I can do this. And I will not be posting pages. It's not your business. :) Insert smiley face.
Oh, yes. I am back. I am blogging like a storm. Perhaps the most creative thing I can do is THINK something and then WRITE it down. And only that brings me relief, comfort, joy, and peace when all is said and done. And with the right kind of printer, this blog will be better than any craft I could make, any meal I can throw together, and better than any ole scrapbook page.
This is me. Domestic. Writer. Thinker. Lover of trying 100 things at the same time and finishing none. Enjoy the ride.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Remade
My daughter Natalie attended a leadership conference for motivated music students yesterday. When she finally texted me to tell me it was over, I texted back, "How are you feeling?" I meant physically, because every time she steps out of the house to go anywhere, I worry just a bit. She texted back, "Good! EMPOWERED"
This just warmed this mom's heart. I don't have a ton of self confidence. In fact, I've often wondered how to raise leaders when you aren't much of one yourself. I usually "fake it til I make it" sort of thing when it comes to confidence. I've often worried that the girls would one day figure me out and be disappointed that I didn't do all the things I advise them to do now.
In fact, when she was going over some of the things we learned last night (until 11:30pm!), she said it's impossible to be a good leader if you don't believe in yourself. That explains it, doesn't it?? I cannot say enough that this conference was a God thing. I pray for this all the time. That my girls would pass and supersede me. Not stay stuck like I have been.
She was beaming and bubbling as she talked about all she had learned and who she had met. And ask I looked over at Serena, her face was just as lit up as Natalie's. What a cool moment.
Nat says, "oh, and I have a secret...maybe I shouldn't say anything. Then she said, oh, it's just you guys. I can tell you anything." To be honest, I didn't care about the secret. I was blessed by the fact that she feels she can share anything with us, her family. Just another way her surgery and recovery has blessed her and our family.
God knows what He is doing. He can build my daughters, and He can rebuild me!
This just warmed this mom's heart. I don't have a ton of self confidence. In fact, I've often wondered how to raise leaders when you aren't much of one yourself. I usually "fake it til I make it" sort of thing when it comes to confidence. I've often worried that the girls would one day figure me out and be disappointed that I didn't do all the things I advise them to do now.
In fact, when she was going over some of the things we learned last night (until 11:30pm!), she said it's impossible to be a good leader if you don't believe in yourself. That explains it, doesn't it?? I cannot say enough that this conference was a God thing. I pray for this all the time. That my girls would pass and supersede me. Not stay stuck like I have been.
She was beaming and bubbling as she talked about all she had learned and who she had met. And ask I looked over at Serena, her face was just as lit up as Natalie's. What a cool moment.
Nat says, "oh, and I have a secret...maybe I shouldn't say anything. Then she said, oh, it's just you guys. I can tell you anything." To be honest, I didn't care about the secret. I was blessed by the fact that she feels she can share anything with us, her family. Just another way her surgery and recovery has blessed her and our family.
God knows what He is doing. He can build my daughters, and He can rebuild me!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
You
There is an innate desire in each one of us to be liked by everyone. It's no wonder we walk around wounded so much. That's just not possible. Another thing that is difficult to do is to form thick skin. When I think of thick skin, I think of my daughter's 17" scar down the middle of her back. It took a lot of pain, a lot of frustration, and a lot of emotional toll to build that thick skin. And like she says now, "I am titanium." And as the popular song goes, "Shoot me down, but I won't fall. I am titanium."
Oh, to be strong like that and let no one's opinion of you even touch the surface! To be able to not only thumb your nose at it, but to not even notice it at all when someone is being rude or ambivalent about you. To be so rooted, so grounded in who you know yourself to be, that you don't really care what others think of you.
I don't get so annoyed when people I don't regard as friends anyway treat me as if I am invisible. I probably don't pay them much attention either, though I've been kind to those who treat me like I'm gum on their shoe. Those are people who must be very self-serving, because they only seek out people who can give THEM something. I don't have room for that. I have a lot to give, but I don't "throw my pearls to pigs". I get hurt easily because I take chances on people who don't appreciate it. Then I'm the one who feels bad. How many people have taken a chance on you? I'll bet you can count it on one hand. It's just the way we are as people. And it's sad.
Then there are those who claim to be all sister Christian and I love everybody, but when it comes to you....flat line. They seem to "like" everyone on facebook even! Except for anything you post. Oh, I know...it shouldn't matter, and it doesn't reflect what they really think...maybe they're just not on that much....or maybe they block you behind your back and are sweet to your face. The thing is, you never know where you stand with these people. Because they really don't care enough to show you. So, back to the first statement. Why do we have such a problem with not being liked?
Oh, it's not that I'm in a mood as I write this. It's that reality, even on a godly level, is not easy for anyone to swallow. Do we all need thicker skins? Probably, but sometimes I've seen thick skin that lets no one in, and that's worse. Some of us bring our childhoods into the future with us, and that can be a barrier to learning to love ourselves the way we are now. Some things are hard to overcome and it takes time. One of the reasons the Bible reminds us to put others ahead of ourselves IS because some of us are broken. It takes unbroken people to realize that, if they care. That's why it annoys me when people say, "oh, you have nothing I need, so I'm moving on." or "we have nothing in common. I need people like me around." It's pretty selfish to seek out friends based only on what you need instead of what you have to offer them.
That's exactly what leads to "cliques" in grade school, and yet we do it as adults too. Do you ever remind your kids or yourself to reach outside of their own circle? Why not? It is a risk. We don't want to get "dirty". We don't want to be let down. See? It turns into all about us. And yet Christ, in His perfection, reached out to those no one else would associate with. And He is WAY better than any of us.
So am I annoyed that "you" stopped following my blog because "you" think I have nothing to offer "you"? Yes. But it's because in your narrowness, you are missing something I actually think you lack. You think you have it. You don't. Learn from some of us "broken", we have more to offer than you give us credit for. Again, your loss.
Oh, to be strong like that and let no one's opinion of you even touch the surface! To be able to not only thumb your nose at it, but to not even notice it at all when someone is being rude or ambivalent about you. To be so rooted, so grounded in who you know yourself to be, that you don't really care what others think of you.
I don't get so annoyed when people I don't regard as friends anyway treat me as if I am invisible. I probably don't pay them much attention either, though I've been kind to those who treat me like I'm gum on their shoe. Those are people who must be very self-serving, because they only seek out people who can give THEM something. I don't have room for that. I have a lot to give, but I don't "throw my pearls to pigs". I get hurt easily because I take chances on people who don't appreciate it. Then I'm the one who feels bad. How many people have taken a chance on you? I'll bet you can count it on one hand. It's just the way we are as people. And it's sad.
Then there are those who claim to be all sister Christian and I love everybody, but when it comes to you....flat line. They seem to "like" everyone on facebook even! Except for anything you post. Oh, I know...it shouldn't matter, and it doesn't reflect what they really think...maybe they're just not on that much....or maybe they block you behind your back and are sweet to your face. The thing is, you never know where you stand with these people. Because they really don't care enough to show you. So, back to the first statement. Why do we have such a problem with not being liked?
Oh, it's not that I'm in a mood as I write this. It's that reality, even on a godly level, is not easy for anyone to swallow. Do we all need thicker skins? Probably, but sometimes I've seen thick skin that lets no one in, and that's worse. Some of us bring our childhoods into the future with us, and that can be a barrier to learning to love ourselves the way we are now. Some things are hard to overcome and it takes time. One of the reasons the Bible reminds us to put others ahead of ourselves IS because some of us are broken. It takes unbroken people to realize that, if they care. That's why it annoys me when people say, "oh, you have nothing I need, so I'm moving on." or "we have nothing in common. I need people like me around." It's pretty selfish to seek out friends based only on what you need instead of what you have to offer them.
That's exactly what leads to "cliques" in grade school, and yet we do it as adults too. Do you ever remind your kids or yourself to reach outside of their own circle? Why not? It is a risk. We don't want to get "dirty". We don't want to be let down. See? It turns into all about us. And yet Christ, in His perfection, reached out to those no one else would associate with. And He is WAY better than any of us.
So am I annoyed that "you" stopped following my blog because "you" think I have nothing to offer "you"? Yes. But it's because in your narrowness, you are missing something I actually think you lack. You think you have it. You don't. Learn from some of us "broken", we have more to offer than you give us credit for. Again, your loss.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Major Life Change
I know I haven't mentioned our most major life change this year on my blog, but it's only because I've mentioned it to death on Facebook instead. On June 17th, Natalie, our 15 year old, had corrective surgery for scoliosis. A spinal fusion from T5 to L3. We went to the University of Michigan's C.S. Mott's Children's Hospital for the 6 hour long surgery. Longest day of our lives.
The longest week of our lives would follow, as she spent the next 6 days in the hospital. I am still hesitant to share even with those I am close to, the intimate details of those days. I guess it's not time. All I can say is that my daughter and I bonded in a way that can never be broken. I like to think of it as one day we saw each other's souls. There is no other way to describe the kind of strength I saw in her and the courage I found in myself. God. That's the word to describe it.
And so now we are nearly 3 months into healing and she is doing great. She is pursuing her music full force, as her physical condition no longer allows her to play the sports she loves the most. I am proud of her perseverance. So very proud that she has accepted this with such grace and dignity. She is far beyond me, even at 15. While I will pine for things I miss, she just finds new things to love. She has taught me more in three months than anyone could teach me in 20 years. She is truly inspiring and amazing.
This surgery and recovery has not been without its ups and downs, nor has it left any family member untouched. It has been a difficult road for Natalie, but we found out what a trouper she really is inside. This self-proclaimed "germophobe", who is terrified of pain, came through this so strong, I could only give the glory to God. We know He was with her, within her, around her, and with us the entire time. It's the only way I could explain the peace we all felt. Natalie, at peace as she's being prepped for surgery. Us at peace as they rolled her away. At peace as we waited 6 hours. At peace as we anticipated seeing her in recovery. At peace when the monitor alarms kept going off. Well, maybe not a lot of peace there...I wavered, I admit.
That was our summer. That was our daughter's 15th summer. She will never forget it and neither will we. It's hard to talk about, but I did join a support group in which we feel completely welcomed. It's a place to be open and honest, share our emotions, and know that people care. That way we don't have to be so hurt about the people who seemingly don't care or just don't get it.
All I know is we have a long way to go, but a lot of strength in which to carry this new challenge. My hope and Natalie's goal is to be a help for others going through this life change. We've already touched a few lives and are ready to touch many more.
The longest week of our lives would follow, as she spent the next 6 days in the hospital. I am still hesitant to share even with those I am close to, the intimate details of those days. I guess it's not time. All I can say is that my daughter and I bonded in a way that can never be broken. I like to think of it as one day we saw each other's souls. There is no other way to describe the kind of strength I saw in her and the courage I found in myself. God. That's the word to describe it.
And so now we are nearly 3 months into healing and she is doing great. She is pursuing her music full force, as her physical condition no longer allows her to play the sports she loves the most. I am proud of her perseverance. So very proud that she has accepted this with such grace and dignity. She is far beyond me, even at 15. While I will pine for things I miss, she just finds new things to love. She has taught me more in three months than anyone could teach me in 20 years. She is truly inspiring and amazing.
This surgery and recovery has not been without its ups and downs, nor has it left any family member untouched. It has been a difficult road for Natalie, but we found out what a trouper she really is inside. This self-proclaimed "germophobe", who is terrified of pain, came through this so strong, I could only give the glory to God. We know He was with her, within her, around her, and with us the entire time. It's the only way I could explain the peace we all felt. Natalie, at peace as she's being prepped for surgery. Us at peace as they rolled her away. At peace as we waited 6 hours. At peace as we anticipated seeing her in recovery. At peace when the monitor alarms kept going off. Well, maybe not a lot of peace there...I wavered, I admit.
That was our summer. That was our daughter's 15th summer. She will never forget it and neither will we. It's hard to talk about, but I did join a support group in which we feel completely welcomed. It's a place to be open and honest, share our emotions, and know that people care. That way we don't have to be so hurt about the people who seemingly don't care or just don't get it.
All I know is we have a long way to go, but a lot of strength in which to carry this new challenge. My hope and Natalie's goal is to be a help for others going through this life change. We've already touched a few lives and are ready to touch many more.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Onward and Upward
Sometimes I wish I could have "hand-picked" the family in my life. The possibilities are endless. And friends! Wouldn't it be awesome to just pick some out of a book and have them all be perfect too?? And a dog that never barks, while I'm at it! And what if we never had to feel loss or rejection again?? Whoo hoo to that!!
I picture all this perfection and I know why I don't have it! Because if everything in my life was "hunky dory" all the time, I would have no need for God. No humility, no weakness, no one to be grateful to.
His purpose far exceeds what I can understand. I don't just question my life, I question everything around me. We live in a fallen world, for sure. We have an enemy lurking who would love to see us fail. I've seen people fail for lack of faith in God. I've also seen people who lack God have tremendous "luck" and "prosperity". I'm not foolish enough to believe it...it comes with a cost. I may get down and I may have times of hard "luck", but I know His purpose for me will prevail, no matter how the circumstances appear.
So, onward and upward, imperfections and injustices in tact! Onward and upward with hurts, rejections, disappointments, invisibility (apparently my superpower), and so-called "failures". I always thought God gave me more "troubles" so that I would be sensitized to the feelings of others and be able to help them. Maybe that's true, but it's hard even to help a hurting person when you want to be alone with your own wounds. And that's makes the enemy's work way too easy. Get us alone.
God doesn't want any of us to be alone, to even feel alone. He wants our eyes on Him, not our troubles, not our feelings, not our weak flesh, and not on others. It's His challenge to me to focus focus focus on good. Learn about His love for me all over again. Learn how to share His love again, and learn not to look back. To be genuinely in love with life, not just going through the motions.
To genuinely want to share the unique person He made me to be. The person only He can see right now.
This one's for us, Angela!! Let's figure this out together!!
I picture all this perfection and I know why I don't have it! Because if everything in my life was "hunky dory" all the time, I would have no need for God. No humility, no weakness, no one to be grateful to.
His purpose far exceeds what I can understand. I don't just question my life, I question everything around me. We live in a fallen world, for sure. We have an enemy lurking who would love to see us fail. I've seen people fail for lack of faith in God. I've also seen people who lack God have tremendous "luck" and "prosperity". I'm not foolish enough to believe it...it comes with a cost. I may get down and I may have times of hard "luck", but I know His purpose for me will prevail, no matter how the circumstances appear.
So, onward and upward, imperfections and injustices in tact! Onward and upward with hurts, rejections, disappointments, invisibility (apparently my superpower), and so-called "failures". I always thought God gave me more "troubles" so that I would be sensitized to the feelings of others and be able to help them. Maybe that's true, but it's hard even to help a hurting person when you want to be alone with your own wounds. And that's makes the enemy's work way too easy. Get us alone.
God doesn't want any of us to be alone, to even feel alone. He wants our eyes on Him, not our troubles, not our feelings, not our weak flesh, and not on others. It's His challenge to me to focus focus focus on good. Learn about His love for me all over again. Learn how to share His love again, and learn not to look back. To be genuinely in love with life, not just going through the motions.
To genuinely want to share the unique person He made me to be. The person only He can see right now.
This one's for us, Angela!! Let's figure this out together!!
Saturday, August 31, 2013
The Answer
Someone recently asked me if I had planned my wedding since I was a little girl. At the time, I immediately said, "no, not at all". Then I had to give this some thought. I mean, I know I'm not the typical "girls girl", talking nails and tutus, but why didn't I do that like most little girls??
It took me weeks to finally get the answer and it came today in the most unexpected way. Hubby and I were driving to the peach farm again and I brought up some family issues that were bothering me. It bubbled to the surface a little more than I thought it would, and out came the answer.
"I didn't dream of a big wedding when I was a little girl. That perfect wedding with the big dress and the groom. I really didn't. I dreamed of having a big family that loves me. That's all I ever wished for, wanted, and dreamed about. And I didn't get it."
There I had it. One sentence. It's not a big revelation. In other ways, I've been saying this for a long time. I've always wanted a "normal" family. Happy siblings who don't take breaks from the family for years. People who stay married. Aunts and Uncles who stay in the family. Grandparents. Nieces and nephews who aren't broken by divorce and still want me in their lives. Cousins. Lots of them. The chance to marry into a big family who would embrace me, love me, adopt me as their own. Value me. Need me. Did. Not. Happen. And is it because I can't attract that kind of love because I'm already broken? Probably.
So where do I go from here? I have love. I just have always wanted and needed more. Some people have tons of it and don't appreciate it. They annoy me. Some people treat their families poorly and get away with it. Unfair!! Sometimes I feel like the past is my present and my future. I guess that's called "hopeless". I haven't seen change, so I don't expect it either.
I am blessed by my little family. I know that for sure. They are what I dreamed of when I thought of the word "family". And I guess I have to keep them as my focus and not worry about my losses and what "could have been." It's just not easy....even for an old girl like me.
It took me weeks to finally get the answer and it came today in the most unexpected way. Hubby and I were driving to the peach farm again and I brought up some family issues that were bothering me. It bubbled to the surface a little more than I thought it would, and out came the answer.
"I didn't dream of a big wedding when I was a little girl. That perfect wedding with the big dress and the groom. I really didn't. I dreamed of having a big family that loves me. That's all I ever wished for, wanted, and dreamed about. And I didn't get it."
There I had it. One sentence. It's not a big revelation. In other ways, I've been saying this for a long time. I've always wanted a "normal" family. Happy siblings who don't take breaks from the family for years. People who stay married. Aunts and Uncles who stay in the family. Grandparents. Nieces and nephews who aren't broken by divorce and still want me in their lives. Cousins. Lots of them. The chance to marry into a big family who would embrace me, love me, adopt me as their own. Value me. Need me. Did. Not. Happen. And is it because I can't attract that kind of love because I'm already broken? Probably.
So where do I go from here? I have love. I just have always wanted and needed more. Some people have tons of it and don't appreciate it. They annoy me. Some people treat their families poorly and get away with it. Unfair!! Sometimes I feel like the past is my present and my future. I guess that's called "hopeless". I haven't seen change, so I don't expect it either.
I am blessed by my little family. I know that for sure. They are what I dreamed of when I thought of the word "family". And I guess I have to keep them as my focus and not worry about my losses and what "could have been." It's just not easy....even for an old girl like me.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Mom's Heart Stuff
"Raising a teenager is like trying to nail jell-o to the wall." If that were a true or false statement, i would mark "true" and get an A+! I've been trying to "nail jell-o to the wall" for quite some time. Sigh......
Some days I wonder if I can do this. Some days I wonder if we'll all end up as "friends" one long day from now. Some days I wonder if I am exasperating my children. They certainly can exasperate me. Am I strong enough to do this? Is that multiple choice?
I just don't want to fail this test....no retakes.
Some days I wonder if I can do this. Some days I wonder if we'll all end up as "friends" one long day from now. Some days I wonder if I am exasperating my children. They certainly can exasperate me. Am I strong enough to do this? Is that multiple choice?
I just don't want to fail this test....no retakes.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Tuesday Thoughts
With all the media circus surrounding Miley Cyrus's performance at the VMA's, it has opened up a lot of related discussions. Today I talked with someone who, I have to be honest, is not someone I would call my friend. She was quick to point out and criticize a young lady who is apparently foul-mouthed, disrespectful toward adults, gets poor grades, whose mother is very young, whose father is out of the picture, and dresses provocatively to boot. I looked at this person, clearly powered by her own judgements of this young lady. I said the only thing I could think of that moment, "that is so sad." And my thoughts turned to her instead...who do you think you are? A grown woman judging this young lady who has had no choice in the circumstances of her life? You, who grew up with "normal" loving parents. You, who had everything you needed and more. What do you know, and why do you care more about what you think than what this child obviously has to bear? And by the way, even with all the blessings our own children have, they too are not perfect!
I often think to myself, if that same kid grew up with me or any other parent with knowledge, ability, a good example behind them, just think who they would be!! Maybe someone would have cuddled up and read books to her. Squirted her with water in the tub until you both dissolved into giggles. Told her she was worthy. Took her to church. Told her about God. Took her to the library when she had a curiosity about owls. Signed her up for tee ball and practiced in the yard til dark. Kept the bad people away. Didn't blow smoke in her face. Kept her bills paid so she had a place to sleep. Made sure she valued things like faith, friends, family, love, pets, books, and herself. Provided her with safety, security, cleanliness, role models, education, and peace in her surroundings. You want to know why she lacks confidence? Why she doesn't try very hard? Why she doesn't "act right"? Where would she have learned anything better? The world is going to be a cruel teacher for sure. The "cool" kids will all ice her out. The bad boys will use her. The other parents will shun in protection of their own. And she will continue on a path of destruction because it's all she knows. And she doesn't know her worth. Because no one ever tells her.
And it's adults like the one I came in contact with that really make my head spin. You should know better. You should teach your own kids better. You should try to make a difference. You should pray for her. You should be quiet if you have nothing positive to say. And no matter what this girl does or the trouble she may get herself into, she will be looking for someone to intervene along the way. One day when she's an adult, she'll wonder why no one did.
and these are my thoughts for today.
I often think to myself, if that same kid grew up with me or any other parent with knowledge, ability, a good example behind them, just think who they would be!! Maybe someone would have cuddled up and read books to her. Squirted her with water in the tub until you both dissolved into giggles. Told her she was worthy. Took her to church. Told her about God. Took her to the library when she had a curiosity about owls. Signed her up for tee ball and practiced in the yard til dark. Kept the bad people away. Didn't blow smoke in her face. Kept her bills paid so she had a place to sleep. Made sure she valued things like faith, friends, family, love, pets, books, and herself. Provided her with safety, security, cleanliness, role models, education, and peace in her surroundings. You want to know why she lacks confidence? Why she doesn't try very hard? Why she doesn't "act right"? Where would she have learned anything better? The world is going to be a cruel teacher for sure. The "cool" kids will all ice her out. The bad boys will use her. The other parents will shun in protection of their own. And she will continue on a path of destruction because it's all she knows. And she doesn't know her worth. Because no one ever tells her.
And it's adults like the one I came in contact with that really make my head spin. You should know better. You should teach your own kids better. You should try to make a difference. You should pray for her. You should be quiet if you have nothing positive to say. And no matter what this girl does or the trouble she may get herself into, she will be looking for someone to intervene along the way. One day when she's an adult, she'll wonder why no one did.
and these are my thoughts for today.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
I Write For Me!
I had planned to quit this blog because no one reads it. Instead I am going to write anyway. So there. Read it and weep! And you just might. More later...ish.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
To Angela
To Angela....
because we all need to remember Who we really belong to, and Who really matters.....
My Child,
I know everything about you….Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and rise up…..Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways……Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered…..Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image……Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being…..Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring…..Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived….Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation…..Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book…Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live….Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made….Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother’s womb….Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born…Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don’t know me….John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love…..1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you…..1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father….1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could….Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect Father….Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand….James 1 :17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs ….Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope…..Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love…..Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore…Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing….Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you….Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession…Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and soul….Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things…Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me….Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart…..Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gives you those desires….Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine…Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager….2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles….2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are broken-hearted, I am close to you….Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart….Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes…Revelation 21:3-4
And I will take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus….John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed…John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being…Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you…Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins…2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled…2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you…1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved so that I may gain your love….Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me…1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again…Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I will throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen….Luke 15:7
Love,
Your Father,
Almighty God
and by the way, you can look me up on facebook as "steve-jami rogers" and I would be glad to be a part of your thoughts. But do remember, it doesn't matter how many people comment or like your posts....your value is so much more than that!! And so is mine...:)
because we all need to remember Who we really belong to, and Who really matters.....
My Child,
I know everything about you….Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and rise up…..Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways……Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered…..Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image……Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being…..Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring…..Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived….Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation…..Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book…Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live….Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made….Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother’s womb….Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born…Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don’t know me….John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love…..1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you…..1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father….1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could….Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect Father….Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand….James 1 :17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs ….Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope…..Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love…..Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore…Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing….Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you….Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession…Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and soul….Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things…Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me….Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart…..Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gives you those desires….Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine…Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager….2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles….2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are broken-hearted, I am close to you….Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart….Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes…Revelation 21:3-4
And I will take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus….John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed…John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being…Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you…Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins…2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled…2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you…1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved so that I may gain your love….Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me…1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again…Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I will throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen….Luke 15:7
Love,
Your Father,
Almighty God
and by the way, you can look me up on facebook as "steve-jami rogers" and I would be glad to be a part of your thoughts. But do remember, it doesn't matter how many people comment or like your posts....your value is so much more than that!! And so is mine...:)
Friday, April 26, 2013
I Know What I'm About....Few Others Do...
Just popping in because I miss "real writing". Facebook, though I've given it the college try and enjoyed some of the stuff, truly, it hasn't been good for me. It brings out a side of me I don't like! It irritates me most of the time. Turns me into "judge judy", though I do enjoy her. I try to post positive things and sometimes I post something after a conversation with a certain person just to let them know I'm still thinking of them. That part of it seems okay so far.
Somehow being "included' on Facebook actually makes me feel more isolated. I can't explain it, but it doesn't meet a need in me. It creates a void. My favorite part of Fb so far has been being able to interact with my family more. My sister, aunt, cousins, nieces, and nephews....one of which I've never met, but he"friended" me. Maybe that's why I won't delete my account. It's at least a bridge to maybe having a relationship with a brother I haven't seen since I was about 10....and his 4 beautiful children I've never met. Have I ever told you how much that hurts? Maybe I just can't...I loved being an aunt to my other nieces and nephews. I say that in past tense because it's been so long since they've "needed" me. Those years of being the "favorite aunt" are long gone, and they went too fast. (I became an aunt at 11, hardly time to do what I would certainly be able to do today) Maybe Facebook makes me see what and who I've missed...what I wish I could have done...maybe I'm just going through my "change", as my mother likes to point out often. No, mom, I'm pretty sure I'm just deep.
Facebook serves to "unite" people, but somehow it makes me feel divided. Who is "friends" with who, who hasn't "friended" you, who you are trying to "hide" from your timeline.... (I had to do this....it was so annoying...I'm sorry) And what about those high school friends? I don't know about you but I am NOT the same person I was in high school, so I actually feel like I have no friends left from high school. In the last few years I have listened to God's leading as far as who should be in my life and who should not, and it's not always easy to see that face popping up on my screen. No, I don't want to friend you right now. Or ever.
Is that healthy? Is it Godly? Hmmm....I know, I know, I know....mercy, love, gentleness, kindness....and all the virtues I strive to develop. Sometimes you have to toss the things out that don't allow you to be what you want to be. I think I need to either limit my facebook time or get off altogether because it seems to do more harm to my spirit than good. Is it facebook's fault? Of course not, but it has been linked to depression. Having gone through that before, I can honestly see where that can happen, especially with teens.
A long time ago, I felt God directing me to be more "myself". And since then, I have lost friends! It was a real time of feeling rejection from people. It's hard not to. Rejection has been in my life for as long as I can remember, and it is a stronghold for sure. You have to be deliberate about the situations you get into. Careful about the people you allow into your life and heart. Always checking yourself to make sure you stay rooted in Christ. It's a big job, and right now, Facebook isn't helping me. But I have to say, I would rather be "me" than have a bunch of phony people around me.
Sigh...was this post about facebook? I don't know.....
Somehow being "included' on Facebook actually makes me feel more isolated. I can't explain it, but it doesn't meet a need in me. It creates a void. My favorite part of Fb so far has been being able to interact with my family more. My sister, aunt, cousins, nieces, and nephews....one of which I've never met, but he"friended" me. Maybe that's why I won't delete my account. It's at least a bridge to maybe having a relationship with a brother I haven't seen since I was about 10....and his 4 beautiful children I've never met. Have I ever told you how much that hurts? Maybe I just can't...I loved being an aunt to my other nieces and nephews. I say that in past tense because it's been so long since they've "needed" me. Those years of being the "favorite aunt" are long gone, and they went too fast. (I became an aunt at 11, hardly time to do what I would certainly be able to do today) Maybe Facebook makes me see what and who I've missed...what I wish I could have done...maybe I'm just going through my "change", as my mother likes to point out often. No, mom, I'm pretty sure I'm just deep.
Facebook serves to "unite" people, but somehow it makes me feel divided. Who is "friends" with who, who hasn't "friended" you, who you are trying to "hide" from your timeline.... (I had to do this....it was so annoying...I'm sorry) And what about those high school friends? I don't know about you but I am NOT the same person I was in high school, so I actually feel like I have no friends left from high school. In the last few years I have listened to God's leading as far as who should be in my life and who should not, and it's not always easy to see that face popping up on my screen. No, I don't want to friend you right now. Or ever.
Is that healthy? Is it Godly? Hmmm....I know, I know, I know....mercy, love, gentleness, kindness....and all the virtues I strive to develop. Sometimes you have to toss the things out that don't allow you to be what you want to be. I think I need to either limit my facebook time or get off altogether because it seems to do more harm to my spirit than good. Is it facebook's fault? Of course not, but it has been linked to depression. Having gone through that before, I can honestly see where that can happen, especially with teens.
A long time ago, I felt God directing me to be more "myself". And since then, I have lost friends! It was a real time of feeling rejection from people. It's hard not to. Rejection has been in my life for as long as I can remember, and it is a stronghold for sure. You have to be deliberate about the situations you get into. Careful about the people you allow into your life and heart. Always checking yourself to make sure you stay rooted in Christ. It's a big job, and right now, Facebook isn't helping me. But I have to say, I would rather be "me" than have a bunch of phony people around me.
Sigh...was this post about facebook? I don't know.....
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Break Time
I'm doing it again....wondering why I keep up with my blogging. So, I'm taking a nice break, especially while hubby is home for a week. I've lost my readers to Facebook, I guess! I went on Facebook recently, and it's just not as personal as a blog. I know it's faster, but it's less interesting for sure. It's fun sometimes, but it's not my style. I am a writer at heart. Maybe this is God's way of saying, "do something different with your writing." Who knows. Either way, I'm taking a break.
For my two A's who read me most, thank you. I will be back...at some point. Just need a break. I will still be writing over at Miss Angel's Neighborhood...unless that tanks too.
Thanks!
For my two A's who read me most, thank you. I will be back...at some point. Just need a break. I will still be writing over at Miss Angel's Neighborhood...unless that tanks too.
Thanks!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Return to Grateful
Awhile back, I asked God to help me in an area of my life. I mean, I really asked him! I didn’t just say, oh, my weight, my finances, my this, my that….I asked Him for specific help in one specific area. And then I waited. I spent some time being frustrated by what I thought was His silence. What I was really frustrated with was the fact that He was working some things out and preparing my heart. What I thought was a major inconvenience and a real downer was actually God humbling me. God took some things from me. I got confused. He replaced those things with different things. I began to see and understand. Then I watched and I waited for the next lesson. It came. And then another. Even though things did not (and do not always) appear to have really changed the way I wanted them to, I began to have faith and hope in God’s power to change me. A little at a time.
Some of the things he took from me were material. Some were desires of mine. He replaced them with peace and a knowing that at the right time, He would provide. He wanted me to change the way I thought about a few things. I did. There are things He has asked me not to do, and I haven’t done them. And because I have obeyed in this area, He is giving me peace about it. He is giving me better than I had before.
On my weak days, I feel a little self-pity, a little panic, a little anger. But then I remember how far God has brought me and I return to grateful. Blessed. Patient. Obedient.
There are a lot of things in our flesh we may want “fixed”. We may even make a list of what we’re going to do and how we’re going to do it. We think if we join this or join that we’ll lose weight, and blah , blah, blah. Trust me. Unless you are on board, really on board about the change you want to see in your life, you can forget it. God will not just wave a magic wand and change you. He will see how much you trust Him to help you achieve that change. You have to move. Then He will move, and you better be ready and willing to go wherever He takes you.
We would all love a miracle, but the real lesson learned of any difficult thing is how strong did I become because of this situation? How much closer did I get to God because of my struggle? Who can I help now that I know just a tiny bit more than before? I think the biggest lesson I learn in anything is, It’s not about me. The more I turn inward, thinking of me and what I want, the more God reminds me that it’s not about me. He then has to remind me not to look around at others and compare myself to them, good or bad! He reminds me that He has a purpose for me, He has things appointed for me, He has a plan and a timing that is mine and no one else’s. I need only keep my eyes on Him and my heart open to His lead.
Some of the things he took from me were material. Some were desires of mine. He replaced them with peace and a knowing that at the right time, He would provide. He wanted me to change the way I thought about a few things. I did. There are things He has asked me not to do, and I haven’t done them. And because I have obeyed in this area, He is giving me peace about it. He is giving me better than I had before.
On my weak days, I feel a little self-pity, a little panic, a little anger. But then I remember how far God has brought me and I return to grateful. Blessed. Patient. Obedient.
There are a lot of things in our flesh we may want “fixed”. We may even make a list of what we’re going to do and how we’re going to do it. We think if we join this or join that we’ll lose weight, and blah , blah, blah. Trust me. Unless you are on board, really on board about the change you want to see in your life, you can forget it. God will not just wave a magic wand and change you. He will see how much you trust Him to help you achieve that change. You have to move. Then He will move, and you better be ready and willing to go wherever He takes you.
We would all love a miracle, but the real lesson learned of any difficult thing is how strong did I become because of this situation? How much closer did I get to God because of my struggle? Who can I help now that I know just a tiny bit more than before? I think the biggest lesson I learn in anything is, It’s not about me. The more I turn inward, thinking of me and what I want, the more God reminds me that it’s not about me. He then has to remind me not to look around at others and compare myself to them, good or bad! He reminds me that He has a purpose for me, He has things appointed for me, He has a plan and a timing that is mine and no one else’s. I need only keep my eyes on Him and my heart open to His lead.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
A Heart For Love
I took a look at my news feed today, and wow, who knew there were so many opposite opinions? I had to find out what those red symbols were….who knew? Not me. Well, let me preface this all by saying God gave us a job. He can judge just fine, and so we don’t need to do that for Him. He also reminded us that the only one throwing stones at other people should be ones with no sin at all. Kind of levels the playing field. There is a lot of sin in this world, not just one or two kinds! And it’s all the same to God, whether you are a gossip or live a lifestyle in opposition to His Word. Don‘t let it make you mad at people. People didn‘t make the commands. God did. You can either follow Him or follow the world. He gives that choice to us. And so, it’s not for other people to come after you. Remember that job I mentioned? It’s to LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Seems peaceful to me. Not everyone loves what you DO, right? But you want to be loved for WHO you are.
Why everyone likes to pick on any one sin is a mystery to me. There are so many! Some seem “big” or “small” by our worldly definitions, but to God, sin is sin. And sadly, I commit sin too. If we all looked inside, we’d realize we are not as squeaky clean as we’d like to believe. It always seems like “someone else” is worse off than you, right? Well, God doesn’t compare you to anyone else. He looks at just you and wants your accountability to Him. It really doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. So why all the attention on one sin or another? I don’t know. Not being a lover of politics, I have to believe it’s probably political. Everything seems to be that way these days. You can only be one or the other. Well, I can’t seem to find anything about either popular political party in my Bible. I’ve looked. And while it’s fine that you have strong political beliefs and stands, don’t let it get in the way of loving people. While we are to confront sin, we need to confront it in ourselves first before we go around “fixing” everyone else.
Don’t forget to see that the picture is much bigger than we think. Sure, God cares about every little thing we care about, but He didn’t put us in charge. He wants us to love as He loved so that we can see and reflect Him. And the business of sin and forgiveness is God’s business more than anyone else’s. His business is Love. It's why He came. It's why He sent His Son. It's why He died. It's why He will return. Love. Not politics. Not hate. Not anything else!
You can’t reflect God feeling hate or judgment or condemnation. You can't honor and serve Hiim while looking around to see what everyone else is doing wrong. There is a lot wrong in this world and we aren't to turn a blind eye or a heart to it. My issue is that we like to cherry pick our issues according to what we are or are not comfortable with. That is wrong. You are a much better servant when you talk to the woman at the well instead of talking about her. Instead of carrying a sign that displays who you are against, carry one in your heart that says Whose you are.
Why everyone likes to pick on any one sin is a mystery to me. There are so many! Some seem “big” or “small” by our worldly definitions, but to God, sin is sin. And sadly, I commit sin too. If we all looked inside, we’d realize we are not as squeaky clean as we’d like to believe. It always seems like “someone else” is worse off than you, right? Well, God doesn’t compare you to anyone else. He looks at just you and wants your accountability to Him. It really doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. So why all the attention on one sin or another? I don’t know. Not being a lover of politics, I have to believe it’s probably political. Everything seems to be that way these days. You can only be one or the other. Well, I can’t seem to find anything about either popular political party in my Bible. I’ve looked. And while it’s fine that you have strong political beliefs and stands, don’t let it get in the way of loving people. While we are to confront sin, we need to confront it in ourselves first before we go around “fixing” everyone else.
Don’t forget to see that the picture is much bigger than we think. Sure, God cares about every little thing we care about, but He didn’t put us in charge. He wants us to love as He loved so that we can see and reflect Him. And the business of sin and forgiveness is God’s business more than anyone else’s. His business is Love. It's why He came. It's why He sent His Son. It's why He died. It's why He will return. Love. Not politics. Not hate. Not anything else!
You can’t reflect God feeling hate or judgment or condemnation. You can't honor and serve Hiim while looking around to see what everyone else is doing wrong. There is a lot wrong in this world and we aren't to turn a blind eye or a heart to it. My issue is that we like to cherry pick our issues according to what we are or are not comfortable with. That is wrong. You are a much better servant when you talk to the woman at the well instead of talking about her. Instead of carrying a sign that displays who you are against, carry one in your heart that says Whose you are.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Dogs Have More Fun
Just as my own little test, I watched to see how many pageviews each of my blogs got in just a day. I am not surprised at my findings...
My personal blog.....4 views
Angel's (my dog) blog....16 views.
So, she's 4 times more popular than me! I don't blame people really. She's cuter, sweeter, funnier, way more creative, and let's face it, her life is just more interesting!
I will continue to share the innermost part of my heart with the 2 people who read me, and for the million who follow Angel....more power to ya!! I love my readers, big or small!
My personal blog.....4 views
Angel's (my dog) blog....16 views.
So, she's 4 times more popular than me! I don't blame people really. She's cuter, sweeter, funnier, way more creative, and let's face it, her life is just more interesting!
I will continue to share the innermost part of my heart with the 2 people who read me, and for the million who follow Angel....more power to ya!! I love my readers, big or small!
Monday, March 11, 2013
Life at any Age
With the coming of spring comes a little uneasiness for me. For some reason this time of year is a struggle. I guess with the pop of the buds and the turning of the green, I expect to have some kind of new life as well.
A natural dreamer, I often think of all the things I wish I was doing. All the things I wish I could do, if I could do anything I wanted. I have great ideas...i really do. Then I watch others achieve them and feel bad that I don't follow my own dreams. Then I take it just a bit farther and say to myself, "what makes you think you can do that anyway? You're not good enough to do this professionally." And in ways, I really do believe that.
Staying home and being a mom and house manager has been a blessing, but in a lot of ways, I've had to give up part of myself. Not just my time and energy, which is a given in this job, but I've given up allowing myself to want something for me. Not because I'm a martyr, but because somewhere along the way, I thought it was what mothers had to do. And because being a good mom was and is my goal, I went really far with that notion. Believe me, it's hard to go back once you've denied yourself this long. Out of the loop, out of confidence...not a good place to park.
How did I get here....the girl who had it all figured out...the ducks in a row woman....the planner, the preparer....Life happened. And it's rarely what you plan on. It's a struggle, a challenge, and a lot of questions. Sometimes it lasts for a few months, a few years, or if you're lucky, just a few days. But you will struggle. It's a promise. The dreams you have may never happen. The money you need may never be there, and if it is, it will be used for something else. Someone else's dream, because when you're a mom, that's what it's about.
But somewhere along the way, I need to find something for me. So when my last child walks out the door for the last time, I don't crumble in a heap. At this point, sadly, I would. "I've built my life around you", as the song goes....
Young moms and dads, please heed my warning. Keep living your life beyond your kids. If you have a dream, put it into motion while you still can. Don't feel bad about having a life of your own. Don't let bitter people like me (sometimes, I am. Sorry) make you feel bad about doing things you want to do with your time. If you struggle with confidence, as I do, then find a way to get it under control before it controls you.
This is not my sob story. This is my reality. You may be surprised to know I don't have my life all figured out. At my age, I should, right? God has kept me waiting all my life for things and this is no different. In a lot of ways, life has been a struggle for me. Do you have all day? I could try to explain. But none of that matters. Going forward is what matters, and it's hard. Maybe that's why my fave Bible verse is...
" I can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
and I will leave you with that. Because it's better than any ending I could make up.
A natural dreamer, I often think of all the things I wish I was doing. All the things I wish I could do, if I could do anything I wanted. I have great ideas...i really do. Then I watch others achieve them and feel bad that I don't follow my own dreams. Then I take it just a bit farther and say to myself, "what makes you think you can do that anyway? You're not good enough to do this professionally." And in ways, I really do believe that.
Staying home and being a mom and house manager has been a blessing, but in a lot of ways, I've had to give up part of myself. Not just my time and energy, which is a given in this job, but I've given up allowing myself to want something for me. Not because I'm a martyr, but because somewhere along the way, I thought it was what mothers had to do. And because being a good mom was and is my goal, I went really far with that notion. Believe me, it's hard to go back once you've denied yourself this long. Out of the loop, out of confidence...not a good place to park.
How did I get here....the girl who had it all figured out...the ducks in a row woman....the planner, the preparer....Life happened. And it's rarely what you plan on. It's a struggle, a challenge, and a lot of questions. Sometimes it lasts for a few months, a few years, or if you're lucky, just a few days. But you will struggle. It's a promise. The dreams you have may never happen. The money you need may never be there, and if it is, it will be used for something else. Someone else's dream, because when you're a mom, that's what it's about.
But somewhere along the way, I need to find something for me. So when my last child walks out the door for the last time, I don't crumble in a heap. At this point, sadly, I would. "I've built my life around you", as the song goes....
Young moms and dads, please heed my warning. Keep living your life beyond your kids. If you have a dream, put it into motion while you still can. Don't feel bad about having a life of your own. Don't let bitter people like me (sometimes, I am. Sorry) make you feel bad about doing things you want to do with your time. If you struggle with confidence, as I do, then find a way to get it under control before it controls you.
This is not my sob story. This is my reality. You may be surprised to know I don't have my life all figured out. At my age, I should, right? God has kept me waiting all my life for things and this is no different. In a lot of ways, life has been a struggle for me. Do you have all day? I could try to explain. But none of that matters. Going forward is what matters, and it's hard. Maybe that's why my fave Bible verse is...
" I can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
and I will leave you with that. Because it's better than any ending I could make up.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Hope Springs Eternal
It will happen. It's inevitable. It happens every year, so why would this year be any different? Believe me, it will come. I know it doesn't seem like it. I know you're getting anxious. Grumpy, even. But hang in there......
SPRING is on the way!!!
I don't know about you, but this time of year is more frustrating than the dead of January! I guess I have my hopes up too high...that this March will be like last March (around 62 degrees this time last year!), but that was a fluke anyway. Somehow a sunny day makes me think, "hey, this winter thing is over! Everybody in the pool!" And then I look at the snow....sigh....and put on my boots....again.
The tulips above are a sweet reminder of my favorite Easter. It was 2010, and I received paintings and a beautiful poem from my hubby and girls, describing my gift. It didn't take long to find out what all of it meant. My husband had purchased all sorts of bulbs the previous fall, and on a day I was gone, he and the girls secretly planted them all!
So that spring I had something to look forward to...waiting for my garden to bloom. Each time I saw another green stem popping up from the ground, I thought of how my family cared for me, planting this garden in near-frozen dirt, afraid I'd come home and catch them any second! And then to keep that secret...to paint the paintings, and write the poem. It still remains my favorite memory of spring. Not much could top it!
I am eager for spring, for warmth, and to get outside, for sure! But I am more excited about waiting to see those flowers once again!
Hang in there, it's really coming....soon....I hope!
Friday, March 8, 2013
Be Who You Are!
Did I seem grumpy in yesterday's post? Well, I wasn't. Not at all! I think maybe I was a little overwhelmed...I have to make a couple corrections...first, I have been known to use some coupons. Just not tons. I also enjoy at least one workout video....Leslie Sansone's -Walk Away the Pounds. For some reason, I like her. Ironically, I received a home party invitation just today. Oh, did I feel like a heel for what I said yesterday. I'm still not going. This "being real" stuff isn't easy. Maybe that's why so few people actually do it. I really like and respect the ones who do! I can also say the word "no" and mean it. That really rocks some people's boats, apparently. Oh well! :) Just bein' myself.
I'm still annoyed with the oversharing on Facebook. I may be the only person alive who feels this way, but I still don't get it. Oh well. Maybe I'm not meant to get it! I guess I compare it to the blogs I read about housekeeping. The pictures look like they came out of a magazine. Perfect homes. Perfect people. Perfect everything. So if I walked into their actual home, is that what I would see? Or would I see reality? Messes, noise, pet hair, kids, etc... you know, real life?
We deep-thinking, writer, artsy types often don't get that stuff. We're too busy digging deep (ha ha) for things to write or think about! Things that matter (well, to me probably) . I don't think broadcasting my flu symptoms every 5 minutes would benefit anyone. Just sayin'. While I love my blog, I am not so much into self-promotion, which is pretty commonplace on TV these days. It's really not about us. Really!
I think it is sad that we live in such a fast- paced world that we don't want to take the time to really get to know someone. Do you ever feel like if people really knew the real you, they wouldn't like you? How about thinking this instead, if people really knew the real you, they'd like you BETTER. I know I would. You can trust me with your real life messes. I would just be relieved to know I'm not the only imperfect person out here! :)
Have a great weekend, friends...real and otherwise.
I'm still annoyed with the oversharing on Facebook. I may be the only person alive who feels this way, but I still don't get it. Oh well. Maybe I'm not meant to get it! I guess I compare it to the blogs I read about housekeeping. The pictures look like they came out of a magazine. Perfect homes. Perfect people. Perfect everything. So if I walked into their actual home, is that what I would see? Or would I see reality? Messes, noise, pet hair, kids, etc... you know, real life?
We deep-thinking, writer, artsy types often don't get that stuff. We're too busy digging deep (ha ha) for things to write or think about! Things that matter (well, to me probably) . I don't think broadcasting my flu symptoms every 5 minutes would benefit anyone. Just sayin'. While I love my blog, I am not so much into self-promotion, which is pretty commonplace on TV these days. It's really not about us. Really!
I think it is sad that we live in such a fast- paced world that we don't want to take the time to really get to know someone. Do you ever feel like if people really knew the real you, they wouldn't like you? How about thinking this instead, if people really knew the real you, they'd like you BETTER. I know I would. You can trust me with your real life messes. I would just be relieved to know I'm not the only imperfect person out here! :)
Have a great weekend, friends...real and otherwise.