The Answer

Someone recently asked me if I had planned my wedding since I was a little girl. At the time, I immediately said, "no, not at all". Then I had to give this some thought. I mean, I know I'm not the typical "girls girl", talking nails and tutus, but why didn't I do that like most little girls??

It took me weeks to finally get the answer and it came today in the most unexpected way. Hubby and I were driving to the peach farm again and I brought up some family issues that were bothering me. It bubbled to the surface a little more than I thought it would, and out came the answer.

"I didn't dream of a big wedding when I was a little girl. That perfect wedding with the big dress and the groom. I really didn't. I dreamed of having a big family that loves me. That's all I ever wished for, wanted, and dreamed about. And I didn't get it."

There I had it. One sentence. It's not a big revelation. In other ways, I've been saying this for a long time. I've always wanted a "normal" family. Happy siblings who don't take breaks from the family for years. People who stay married. Aunts and Uncles who stay in the family. Grandparents. Nieces and nephews who aren't broken by divorce and still want me in their lives. Cousins. Lots of them. The chance to marry into a big family who would embrace me, love me, adopt me as their own. Value me. Need me. Did. Not. Happen. And is it because I can't attract that kind of love because I'm already broken? Probably.

So where do I go from here? I have love. I just have always wanted and needed more. Some people have tons of it and don't appreciate it. They annoy me. Some people treat their families poorly and get away with it. Unfair!! Sometimes I feel like the past is my present and my future. I guess that's called "hopeless".  I haven't seen change, so I don't expect it either.

I am blessed by my little family. I know that for sure. They are what I dreamed of when I thought of the word "family". And I guess I have to keep them as my focus and not worry about my losses and what "could have been." It's just not easy....even for an old girl like me. 

 

Mom's Heart Stuff

"Raising a teenager is like trying to nail jell-o to the wall." If that were a true or false statement, i would mark "true" and get an A+! I've been trying to "nail jell-o to the wall" for quite some time. Sigh......

Some days I wonder if I can do this. Some days I wonder if we'll all end up as "friends" one long day from now. Some days I wonder if I am exasperating my children. They certainly can exasperate me. Am I strong enough to do this? Is that multiple choice?

I just don't want to fail this test....no retakes.

Tuesday Thoughts

With all the media circus surrounding Miley Cyrus's performance at the VMA's, it has opened up a lot of related discussions. Today I talked with someone who, I have to be honest, is not someone I would call my friend. She was quick to point out and criticize a young lady who is apparently foul-mouthed, disrespectful toward adults, gets poor grades, whose mother is very young, whose father is out of the picture, and dresses provocatively to boot. I looked at this person, clearly powered by her own judgements of this young lady. I said the only thing I could think of that moment, "that is so sad." And my thoughts turned to her instead...who do you think you are? A grown woman judging this young lady who has had no choice in the circumstances of her life?  You, who grew up with "normal" loving parents. You, who had everything you needed and more. What do you know, and why do you care more about what you think than what this child obviously has to bear?  And by the way, even with all the blessings our own children have, they too are not perfect!

I often think to myself, if that same kid grew up with me or any other parent with knowledge, ability, a good example behind them, just think who they would be!!  Maybe someone would have cuddled up and read books to her. Squirted her with water in the tub until you both dissolved into giggles. Told her she was worthy. Took her to church. Told her about God. Took her to the library when she had a curiosity about owls. Signed her up for tee ball and practiced in the yard til dark. Kept the bad people away. Didn't blow smoke in her face. Kept her bills paid so she had a place to sleep. Made sure she valued things like faith, friends, family, love, pets, books, and herself. Provided her with safety, security, cleanliness, role models, education, and peace in her surroundings. You want to know why she lacks confidence? Why she doesn't try very hard? Why she doesn't "act right"? Where would she have learned anything better? The world is going to be a cruel teacher for sure. The "cool" kids will all ice her out. The bad boys will use her. The other parents will shun in protection of their own. And she will continue on a path of destruction because it's all she knows.  And she doesn't know her worth. Because no one ever tells her.

And it's adults like the one I came in contact with that really make my head spin. You should know better. You should teach your own kids better. You should try to make a difference. You should pray for her. You should be quiet if you have nothing positive to say. And no matter what this girl does or the trouble she may get herself into, she will be looking for someone to intervene along the way. One day when she's an adult, she'll wonder why no one did.

and these are my thoughts for today.  

I Write For Me!

I had planned to quit this blog because no one reads it. Instead I am going to write anyway. So there. Read it and weep! And you just might. More later...ish.