Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Blessed by Ordinary Days

Today feels like fall! It's crisp outside, the leaves are brown, and I am dreaming of chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Although I've never actually eaten a chestnut, it sounds pretty darn good right now. I would settle for an open fire!

I think it's time to rearrange the furniture, make the living room a bit more warm and cozy, and ready it for movie nights around here.

It's no wonder I begin to put my weight back on this time of year. Food is such a glorious comfort on these cold days! I am known to pop up a bowl of popcorn, throw in some hull-less caramel corn, salt it up good, and cue up a good Hallmark movie. Ahhh..Sunday afternoons....

But today, hubby gets back home from yet another trip, and I really need to get the house picked up. Not that he cares. He isn't one of  "those" men, thankfully. But I like him to come home to a neat, picked up, happy home, with something bubbling in the oven. I guess I am one of "those" wives, and it works for me!!

Have a nice day out there, whoever is listening anymore, and be blessed by your day, whatever it holds. Even if it's laundry...or business travel...or a sick kid on the couch. Find something to be blessed by. It won't take you long, I promise!

Monday, October 28, 2013

Too Rattled to Write

I'm never sure what I'm going to write about until I sit down. I just finished reading the post on a Caring Bridge site I've been following.  It's of a young girl diagnosed with brain cancer, starting at age 6. Her mother is a Christian, torn between the needs of her sick child and the needs of her two healthy ones, plus a husband, and all that comes with a so-called normal life. But it is really so much deeper than that. Her mom, though gripped with uncertainty, leans so completely on God and her faith to get her through. She's not just hurting over her daughter's and her own pain as a mother, but she is feeling the pain of other kids and parents in the oncology waiting rooms. Not only that, but she has started a Christmas collection party in order to provide gifts to sick children. Remember, sickness doesn't care if it's a holiday or not. These kids don't deserve this.

This description she painted today brought me to tears. It made me realize that although my daughter's pain is real and so is mine, I'm not preparing to possibly say goodbye to her. She's not struggling to speak. And while I recently acknowledged that "pain is pain" and everyone's pain is valid, I don't want this mother's pain. It IS worse than mine. Her daughter's future unknown.

So while it IS okay for the painholder to decide which pain is worse, it is NOT for the observer. Observers have no idea how people are feeling inside, and should only be compassionate. Like the mother in the waiting room with the obviously sick son, whose birthday was that day. He was so ill he could barely hold up his head. She could have looked away, but instead wished him a happy birthday. His mother was so obviously grateful. Not only did she thank this mom for wishing him a happy birthday, she thanked her for acknowledging her son. Just letting someone know you notice, you see their pain, you care because you are a human, can go so far in a person's life.

People tell me I will have no questions when I get to heaven because I will just be so overjoyed to meet Jesus. But on this earth, I have so many.

Please pray for Kate, her mom Holly, Dad Aaron, and siblings Will and Olivia.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Stuff I don't normally talk about..

Today was "wake up annoyed" day. I hate these days. I should be pretty happy, as my hubby has been in Georgia all week and he finally got home last night. We went to the football game, watched our daughter march for the last time this season. We watched our team win big and we laughed with some friends from church.

But earlier in the week, my mom called me. I didn't even get a chance to tell her Steve was gone because she had another call come in and told me she had to take it. I assumed as it always seems to turn out, that it was the "prayer chain" calling. It used to be the food bank that always interrupted. I've gotten used to these sporadic conversations, but to be honest, I don't like it. I found out at the game that it was my sister's call she took, and no, she never did call me "right back". This only bugs me because I am made to feel that I "take her for granted". Funny, I feel that way too.

Somehow I hoped her "retirement" would have opened up some time to spend together, but she's not really retired. She's busier than ever. And that's fine if she wants to be busy all the time, but to me it's a flashback to my childhood where all she did was work. And work. And work.  I have stopped to visit, but I kid you not, her phone rings off the wall, and unless it's an 800 number, she will take it, and she will talk to whoever it is. I have left there many a time while she is still on the phone. No, I don't take you for granted. I just never seem to get you alone.

And so it is with Mother/Daughter relationships. I already have a better relationship with my girls that my mom had with me. Maybe it's because I chose to stay at home and raise them that we've got such a strong bond. They have grown up playing with their mom, which is something I have never done with mine. I have jumped in leaves with them, played in lakes with them, wrestled, and done all the crazy stuff they want to do, and it makes me overjoyed. Better yet, they are well-adjusted, intelligent, talented, open-minded, and fun-loving. They tell me anything, for the most part. I bite my tongue and give them the wisdom God told me to give them!

I relish in being a mother. It is my calling. It is a gift and a joy to be a mom. I am grateful every day that God chose me for those special girls. I can only hope that my retirement will include driving or flying to see them and their families as much as they'll allow.  This will be my legacy. 

Friday, October 25, 2013

Pain Pain Go Away...

I don't know what my problem is, but lately all I want to do is eat! Comfort foods mainly...apple dumplings, soup in bread bowls, hunks of bread, cookies, pies, pasta....And why has this happened? I have been eating pretty healthy and losing some weight, although I don't care much about my weight anymore, believe it or not. It's just there. Suddenly, I have this ravenous appetite for food, and I want to eat all day! This is not normally like me, though I do follow more of a 5 small meal program throughout the day to keep my blood sugar stable. I don't know...maybe I'm really a bear and I'm getting ready to hibernate? Maybe it's watching all those leaves fall from the trees in my yard and feeling that foreboding chill in the air that says..."start hoarding your acorns...it's coming!"

Whatever it is, it's annoying. I was even eating doritoes...and cheetos...and now and later taffy...and jelly beans...and lifesaver sour gummies....ugh. Those are not acorns, I'm pretty sure. So, I'm frustrated with my appetite, and all the protein-packed yogurt and fruit isn't touching it one bit.

You may be thinking...well, why don't you just make sure to amp up your workout? I wish I could! I have had this frustrating knee problem since June, and it's not going anywhere. I had an appointment with a specialist, and it got pushed back 5 days. I'm finally going on Monday. I'm sure they won't provide a miracle cure right then and there, so I'm sure I will have to have the standard MRI before they'll do anything. I have missed being able to take my dog out to the rail trail and walk my three miles a day. I was doing so well with my weight and my stress level...sigh... it just seems sometimes I just can't seem to catch a break!!

Maybe that's why I have returned to my unhealthy eating habits...it's hard to break a vicious cycle of eating/stress/eating/stress/ and on and on. I don't think I reward myself with food necessarily, but I do find comfort in it sometimes. Mostly I find comfort in being able to walk when I want to, and have enough energy at the end of the day. I have experienced chronic pain before, and what I know is that it is super exhausting to have pain non-stop and have no relief. I am fortunate that mine seems to be remissive, but with the knee issue...man, I'm just sick of it!!

I have often thought that maybe God allowed this pain (pretty insignificant compared to other pain I have had) so that I am constantly aware of Natalie's pain. I have been guilty of "forgetting" that she has back pain, and "forgetting" that she needs help carrying things. More than once I have gotten in the van and waited for her, forgetting I needed to grab her backpack. Now I'm the one who has trouble walking on stairs and bleachers, and can't move furniture or bend as well. We are quite the pair, my daughter and me. "The two gimpys", Steve affectionately calls us.

One thing I have been reminded of  through all of this is that pain, whoever it belongs to and for whatever reason it is there, everyone deserves the "right" to their own pain. How offensive it can be sometimes to hear," well, yeah, but it could be worse. You could have cancer,etc.." Though it may be true, it is of little consolation, and it totally disrespects the other person's feelings.  If you break your ankle, your ankle hurts. If you have cancer, you are probably worse off, but like we don't compare people, we shouldn't compare illness either. I think it helps us to keep our eyes on others to consider another person having it worse than we do, but it doesn't remove the pain we ourselves are going through. People need understanding and validation, not judgement and comparison. I have tried very hard to treat others with these thoughts in mind. It can be hard to hear someone trying to "top your story" when it comes to pain. "Oh, yes, but you should have what I have!" To me, that's just a little self-centered, but maybe that person has no one left to talk to. You never know. That's why you don't judge what you "think" is happening with someone's pain.

So, yes, I have a little knee pain, and it's really not that bad. I can walk, I can walk pretty fast actually. Sometimes I can handle stairs, sometimes I can't, but it really doesn't stop me from enjoying life. It just bugs me, and yes, it could be worse! I could be my own daughter, who feels pain nearly every day and hardly ever tells me. She hasn't been able to return to her normal life, and yet, I don't hear her whining at all. She reminds me every day that challenges are to be met with grace and courage, not whining and bellyaching. Although if she wants to whine, it is fine by me. If she wants to cry, I will cry too.

And so it is again, I start my post about eating too much and I make it about something else. I didn't say I was an accomplished writer, did I? I just like to write. Don't compare me to Hemingway anytime soon....

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Son of a Brother

Since my arrival on Facebook, I've been annoyed more. It hasn't been the typical things that annoy people, although I'm making a big assumption that Facebook annoys other people too. And an even bigger assumption that I know what those annoying things are.

Awhile back, my 30-ish year old nephew, who rarely posts anything, decides to post that he's going to unfriend people if they don't stop posting what he called "religious stuff". It was quite rude, arrogant, and quite honestly, I was very disappointed in him. So, being the aunt that I have always been to him, I comment to that: "You can unfriend me. It's okay." Part of me wanted him to know who he was actually talking to. Part of me was feeling defeated that so many of my family members still don't understand what a relationship with God really means. And yet another part of me just wanted to slap the boy up a bit! My comment was to bring awareness to him, not to be rude.

I then get a private message from him that says he has nothing but love and respect for me, and that it wasn't anything I posted that was upsetting him. But at the end, he had to tarnish that by saying "but I have a right to my opinion and I have free speech, and I can say whatever I want." and some other stuff. Yes, you can. But you can also learn manners, young man.

I replied that it wasn't that he offended me personally, it's just that is how I myself deal with posts I don't care for. I will either hide them or I will unfriend them, rather than make a statement that could hurt someone. See, I'm "old school". While I understand freedom of speech and all of that, I still expect manners, respect, courtesy, and integrity when someone is expressing anything. Yes, you have freedom of speech. But in this country we also have a freedom to get informed before we speak, and few care to check facts or research anything before they run off with their mouths. That is what tarnishes our freedoms, in my opinion. It's what makes it hard to be heard, when jaw flappers just flap because they "have a right to do that". We also have a right to remain silent, and sometimes silence is a sign of courage and strength. Doesn't it take a lot more to be quiet when you really want to speak? But you know it's not the right time or you know it's not for you to say? There is a reason why "biting your tongue" hurts.

So back to my nephew. He was not raised knowing the Lord. He didn't go to church, he has an alcoholic father, who basically didn't raise him, but inflicted him greatly. His mother married a Catholic and so he and his sister converted to Catholicism and he went to a parochial school. He was married in a Catholic church as well. All he has ever known about God is that we follow rules and "do" things to "get" to the next "level".  We do this and we do that. And while I won't beat up on any religion, I do have insight on this one, as I was raised Catholic. I do know that a relationship with Christ was never discussed and we were not encouraged to interpret or read Scripture on our own. We were taught that the Pope was the closest thing to God and prayers had to be taken to the "Father" or priest of the church. We weren't to be praying on our own.  We took Communion robotically every Sunday. (I did not. I was never confirmed) Nowhere in my life did I hear anyone tell me that I could have a relationship with Jesus. Until I went to a non-denominational Christian church in my adulthood.  My eyes were opened wide! Then my heart followed.

So while I want to be annoyed with this headstrong nephew of mine, I do know there is a wall between him and God. If he knew he could have a relationship with Christ, maybe he could reconcile the well-understood anger he has toward his dad. Maybe he could understand that he is loved, despite his mistakes. Maybe he could feel a peace in his heart instead of what I can only imagine he feels at times. He does believe in God. He just doesn't know that it has anything personally to do with him. Hence, the wall. For some reason he is extremely intimidated and annoyed by "religious" people. Actually, "religious" people kind of annoy me too....I sort of get what he means.

Again, if you are Catholic, please don't assume I am beating up on your religion. My family has a long history with it, my in-laws (nearly every single one) are Catholic. I have Catholic friends. My family's experience was not a good one. That may not be the case for you. I could say, I have freedom of speech and hide behind that, but I do care if I hurt someone with my words. And yes, everyone in this country is blessed to have freedom of speech and to worship the way we believe.

I love my nephew and so I am praying that his eyes will be opened and his heart will be softened and that God will woo him gently to Himself. That he will become the spiritual leader of his family and a great man of God. That he will know the peace that comes when you understand forgiveness, redemption, pure acceptance, understanding and above all, love.  That he will gain humility, then knowledge, and then wisdom. Here he will find freedom. A different kind of freedom than the one the Constitution offers.

And may the Lord help me to contain my frustration and to be a light for Him instead. Because it's truly not about how I feel. It's about a life changed, and there is nothing more important than that.




Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Domestigirl

I am a domestic girl at heart. I have always known this about myself, but since having the opportunity to stay at home and raise my family, I have really developed this realization. Parts of me are not-so-domestic, such as my unwillingness to sew. It's not that I can't. I have three sewing machines and a stocked sewing basket. I simply do not like sewing. Period. Maybe sewing hates me. Either way, we broke up a long time ago and there is no chance of reconciliation.

I love to cook, but I'm not all fancy schmancy about ingredients, tools, and techniques. I simply love to cook. I don't care about the latest greatest foods that are "out there". I don't care what everyone else is making, baking, shaking, etc.. I do what feels right to me and makes my family happy. If that means making my old-fashioned "crap on a shingle" instead of quinoa flax seed organic natural something or other, then so be it. Crap it is. And we all love it. Especially with an extra splash of "what's this here" sauce.

I do consider myself to be pretty "crafty", however, traditional crafts bore me. I have made stuff all my life. I never follow directions. I never do what the instructions advise. I can work a glue gun like no other, and I only craft when I feel like it, which might be a year from now. I don't stockpile craft supplies. That would just intimidate me and take the fun right out of it. When I craft, I just go around collecting what I might need. That in itself is actually pretty fun for me. I might get bored mid-craft and leave it there for days. Some people call that unmotivated. I call it "Craft ADD", which means, when I can't pay attention anymore, I walk away for awhile!

Hence, the reason my scrapbooks are waiting to be finished. I would like to say that scrapbooking is fun and relaxing for me. It is not. The newer methods and products for scrapbooking are intimidating! Like, you can't just slap a photo and a caption on there. You have to make a homemade whichimijig too!  God forbid someone looks at your book and they don't like it! See, that's just insane. These books are for ME and MY KIDS. No one else should care, so why does it bug me?? Too many choices gets this ADD case all aflutter. So, my decision has been made. I will be scrapbooking with novices from now on. And only in my home. With my old junk. And my creativity intact. I can do this. And I will not be posting pages. It's not your business. :) Insert smiley face.

Oh, yes. I am back. I am blogging like a storm. Perhaps the most creative thing I can do is THINK something and then WRITE it down. And only that brings me relief, comfort, joy, and peace when all is said and done. And with the right kind of printer, this blog will be better than any craft I could make, any meal I can throw together, and better than any ole scrapbook page.

This is me. Domestic. Writer. Thinker. Lover of trying 100 things at the same time and finishing none. Enjoy the ride.


A Character that Reveals

  When you love your enemies,  you reveal what kind of God  our God is.  I was thinking today about how stubborn we are as people sometimes....