Pain Pain Go Away...

I don't know what my problem is, but lately all I want to do is eat! Comfort foods mainly...apple dumplings, soup in bread bowls, hunks of bread, cookies, pies, pasta....And why has this happened? I have been eating pretty healthy and losing some weight, although I don't care much about my weight anymore, believe it or not. It's just there. Suddenly, I have this ravenous appetite for food, and I want to eat all day! This is not normally like me, though I do follow more of a 5 small meal program throughout the day to keep my blood sugar stable. I don't know...maybe I'm really a bear and I'm getting ready to hibernate? Maybe it's watching all those leaves fall from the trees in my yard and feeling that foreboding chill in the air that says..."start hoarding your acorns...it's coming!"

Whatever it is, it's annoying. I was even eating doritoes...and cheetos...and now and later taffy...and jelly beans...and lifesaver sour gummies....ugh. Those are not acorns, I'm pretty sure. So, I'm frustrated with my appetite, and all the protein-packed yogurt and fruit isn't touching it one bit.

You may be thinking...well, why don't you just make sure to amp up your workout? I wish I could! I have had this frustrating knee problem since June, and it's not going anywhere. I had an appointment with a specialist, and it got pushed back 5 days. I'm finally going on Monday. I'm sure they won't provide a miracle cure right then and there, so I'm sure I will have to have the standard MRI before they'll do anything. I have missed being able to take my dog out to the rail trail and walk my three miles a day. I was doing so well with my weight and my stress level...sigh... it just seems sometimes I just can't seem to catch a break!!

Maybe that's why I have returned to my unhealthy eating habits...it's hard to break a vicious cycle of eating/stress/eating/stress/ and on and on. I don't think I reward myself with food necessarily, but I do find comfort in it sometimes. Mostly I find comfort in being able to walk when I want to, and have enough energy at the end of the day. I have experienced chronic pain before, and what I know is that it is super exhausting to have pain non-stop and have no relief. I am fortunate that mine seems to be remissive, but with the knee issue...man, I'm just sick of it!!

I have often thought that maybe God allowed this pain (pretty insignificant compared to other pain I have had) so that I am constantly aware of Natalie's pain. I have been guilty of "forgetting" that she has back pain, and "forgetting" that she needs help carrying things. More than once I have gotten in the van and waited for her, forgetting I needed to grab her backpack. Now I'm the one who has trouble walking on stairs and bleachers, and can't move furniture or bend as well. We are quite the pair, my daughter and me. "The two gimpys", Steve affectionately calls us.

One thing I have been reminded of  through all of this is that pain, whoever it belongs to and for whatever reason it is there, everyone deserves the "right" to their own pain. How offensive it can be sometimes to hear," well, yeah, but it could be worse. You could have cancer,etc.." Though it may be true, it is of little consolation, and it totally disrespects the other person's feelings.  If you break your ankle, your ankle hurts. If you have cancer, you are probably worse off, but like we don't compare people, we shouldn't compare illness either. I think it helps us to keep our eyes on others to consider another person having it worse than we do, but it doesn't remove the pain we ourselves are going through. People need understanding and validation, not judgement and comparison. I have tried very hard to treat others with these thoughts in mind. It can be hard to hear someone trying to "top your story" when it comes to pain. "Oh, yes, but you should have what I have!" To me, that's just a little self-centered, but maybe that person has no one left to talk to. You never know. That's why you don't judge what you "think" is happening with someone's pain.

So, yes, I have a little knee pain, and it's really not that bad. I can walk, I can walk pretty fast actually. Sometimes I can handle stairs, sometimes I can't, but it really doesn't stop me from enjoying life. It just bugs me, and yes, it could be worse! I could be my own daughter, who feels pain nearly every day and hardly ever tells me. She hasn't been able to return to her normal life, and yet, I don't hear her whining at all. She reminds me every day that challenges are to be met with grace and courage, not whining and bellyaching. Although if she wants to whine, it is fine by me. If she wants to cry, I will cry too.

And so it is again, I start my post about eating too much and I make it about something else. I didn't say I was an accomplished writer, did I? I just like to write. Don't compare me to Hemingway anytime soon....