Merry Christmas to all who celebrate the birth of Christ, as we do. It's hard to remain focus on that main event with all the trappings of the commercialism of Christmas. I can't blame it all on the stores, though. It's definitely my fault too, when I get too focused on making just one more batch of cookies, buy one more gift, add one more event...and then wonder why I don't enjoy it as I should. It doesn't help that we've been "estranged" from our church still. After all, it is a holy holiday for us Christians, and where else should we be?
I have made church in my home, under my tree, at my table, and in my car. I have kept Christ in my heart, maybe more so that I have not had a church to call home in awhile. It has been a challenge, and I hope to find resolution soon and get us back in fellowship. That's a goal for 2014.
Anyway, I am a traditional girl at heart. I want the snow, the love, the warmth, and the perfection you often see on the cover of all those glittering Christmas cards. Instead, I get a little "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" mixed in with a little "Home Alone". I blog, but my family doesn't read it, so they won't know that they are getting called out at all. I'll share just one incident, and then you can use your imagination.
A member of our family, a fairly new member, apparently needed a little "liquid courage" to come to our family Christmas. So, moments into the holiday festivities, she was sitting on my mom's kitchen floor. I have no idea why. I don't know her very well yet, but I'm pretty sure that's not something she would normally do. I turned to my sister and said, "what is going on? Are we the Griswald's now?" She laughed....and I waited for the cat to be electrocuted....they don't have a cat. Now we know why...Lots more sewage spewed as my brother became annoyed with mom's Christmas chime clock. Apparently he would "shoot that SOB". Sigh. Laughter mixed with tears. And confusion.
Anyway, we have possibly 2 pending divorces in our family if the marital strife continues, I have a brother who is ill and on pain medications, which were wearing off quickly. This prompted us to have dinner, a white elephant, and gift opening all within a 2-3 hour period. Everyone then escaped, I mean, went home, and we were the only ones left. No family photos were taken. No one was taking pictures but me! As usual. I'm trying to watch my kids open gifts, take everyone's pictures, and keep the family dog from eating the styrofoam peanuts on the floor. Can you say "Griswald" any louder? And "don't take my picture" was more common than "Merry Christmas".
I then frantically tried to help my mom pack food for everyone who all left at the same time, which means chex mix was flying, and the dog was again under my feet. The clock was chiming, much to my brother's dismay, and I couldn't get the cookies wrapped fast enough. Everyone made it out the door, I breathed a sigh, and then my niece popped back in and said, "we can't find my dad." This is not good for many reasons, but we did find him hiding in the living room, apparently escaping from the chaos in the kitchen, which was apparently driving him nuts. Really? I was throwing grandpa's bread left and right yelling, "7 grain, white, or oatmeal", as I tossed them to the waiting hands. New York delis, I am ready for you. I have to laugh....or I will cry. Sob even.
So, my mom was too busy to shop for me this year and gave me the dreaded cash and gift card to Barnes and Noble. Not dreaded for me, dreaded for her, who really doesn't like these kinds of cop out gifts. I think the first book I will buy at B&N will be something for my mental health. And the cash, as usual, will go into the checkbook to pay for all the stuff we bought that no one needed anyway.
I have my tongue in my cheek today, but if I told you what I really thought, it wouldn't be pretty. And it would not help my survival. I can't think too carefully on these holidays because it breaks my heart. I love Christmas....I love family. I just don't necessarily need them together.
Like I said, focusing on the real meaning of Christmas is the most important thing, and it shouldn't be this hard. It gives me the peace I need to survive. It makes me proud to be a "griswald" at least some of the time.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Brother, Where are You and Where Will You Be?
SirNorm,
You have given me a God-given idea. My brother, who has suffered from alcohol and substance abuse for most of his life, who has strained relationships with his family because of it, who has lost job after job, cars, homes, possessions, etc...almost died on Monday night. His health has taken a major toll from all of the abuse he has put on his body. He spent 3 months in a rehab facility and left there only saying he hates turkey. Sigh. Only God can fix him.
He nearly lost his life while surgeons were replacing and cleaning some stents he had put in before. The doctors have told him so many times that in his condition, they can't believe he's been alive this long. He's on so much medication that sometimes he can't keep his head up. On Thanksgiving, he began tremoring and scared all of us...once again.
He has been not hard to love, because he is my brother and I will always love him. He has been hard to have a relationship with. In the past if I reached out to him, he would try to manipulate me in some way. I stopped reaching out because I didn't want his toxicity in my new little family or on my baby girls at the time. His children, now grown with little ones, have certainly felt their dad's bad decisions. They have often felt unloved and neglected. It has put so many rifts in our family that most relationships are strained now. If we help, we're on his side. If we don't, we aren't doing enough....so much strife. And so little I've been able to do to help. Mostly I just feel angry because of the strain it has caused my dear parents, who should be enjoying the golden years. But I feel bad too, that here he is, my big brother, and where have you been for me? Then I feel guilty all over again...such a codependent spiral we fall into when someone in our family is sick.
I am a collector of post cards, and I did read your post called "Reconciled with my Brother" just this morning. It hit me hard. I don't know how to talk to my brother anymore. I have written him letters while he was in rehab and he called me a Jesus freak. He knows there is a God, but doesn't think God knows him apparently. Oh, but he does....and it will not be good until Tim gets to know the God who created and loves him. So when you used postcards to draw your brother to your family, it just clicked with me. I had just posted pictures of some of my antique Christmas cards on Facebook. I am most touched by the words written on the backs of these treasures of mine.
So, would my brother treasure my words if I were to write them on the back of a guitar-laden post card every week? Would he feel loved? Would he then soften and begin to see God's love through me? Would he finally humble his spirit? Maybe. It's worth a shot. His life, SirNorm, is more valuable than what you described at a funeral..."woulda coulda shoulda". I don't want that for him, his parents, his kids, grandkids, siblings. Friends. His new wife. Here is what I want them to say should he leave this world before he's even nicely into his 50's:
"Wow. He may have only known God a short time, but look at what he did with that time. He made peace with his past, he reconciled himself with his family, he showed love to all he met, and he had a relationship with Jesus that made his friends think about what they were doing in their own lives. He became the man God designed him to be and he became the father he wishes he had always been. What a wonderful man was Tim Smith."
That's what I want to hear when I finally have to really say goodbye to my brother. I don't want to say he wasted his life or I wasted time. God, could you give us some more time to set things straight? It's pretty important. Life-changing even.
Thank you, SirNorm, for changing the way I think just at the right time. God bless you.
You have given me a God-given idea. My brother, who has suffered from alcohol and substance abuse for most of his life, who has strained relationships with his family because of it, who has lost job after job, cars, homes, possessions, etc...almost died on Monday night. His health has taken a major toll from all of the abuse he has put on his body. He spent 3 months in a rehab facility and left there only saying he hates turkey. Sigh. Only God can fix him.
He nearly lost his life while surgeons were replacing and cleaning some stents he had put in before. The doctors have told him so many times that in his condition, they can't believe he's been alive this long. He's on so much medication that sometimes he can't keep his head up. On Thanksgiving, he began tremoring and scared all of us...once again.
He has been not hard to love, because he is my brother and I will always love him. He has been hard to have a relationship with. In the past if I reached out to him, he would try to manipulate me in some way. I stopped reaching out because I didn't want his toxicity in my new little family or on my baby girls at the time. His children, now grown with little ones, have certainly felt their dad's bad decisions. They have often felt unloved and neglected. It has put so many rifts in our family that most relationships are strained now. If we help, we're on his side. If we don't, we aren't doing enough....so much strife. And so little I've been able to do to help. Mostly I just feel angry because of the strain it has caused my dear parents, who should be enjoying the golden years. But I feel bad too, that here he is, my big brother, and where have you been for me? Then I feel guilty all over again...such a codependent spiral we fall into when someone in our family is sick.
I am a collector of post cards, and I did read your post called "Reconciled with my Brother" just this morning. It hit me hard. I don't know how to talk to my brother anymore. I have written him letters while he was in rehab and he called me a Jesus freak. He knows there is a God, but doesn't think God knows him apparently. Oh, but he does....and it will not be good until Tim gets to know the God who created and loves him. So when you used postcards to draw your brother to your family, it just clicked with me. I had just posted pictures of some of my antique Christmas cards on Facebook. I am most touched by the words written on the backs of these treasures of mine.
So, would my brother treasure my words if I were to write them on the back of a guitar-laden post card every week? Would he feel loved? Would he then soften and begin to see God's love through me? Would he finally humble his spirit? Maybe. It's worth a shot. His life, SirNorm, is more valuable than what you described at a funeral..."woulda coulda shoulda". I don't want that for him, his parents, his kids, grandkids, siblings. Friends. His new wife. Here is what I want them to say should he leave this world before he's even nicely into his 50's:
"Wow. He may have only known God a short time, but look at what he did with that time. He made peace with his past, he reconciled himself with his family, he showed love to all he met, and he had a relationship with Jesus that made his friends think about what they were doing in their own lives. He became the man God designed him to be and he became the father he wishes he had always been. What a wonderful man was Tim Smith."
That's what I want to hear when I finally have to really say goodbye to my brother. I don't want to say he wasted his life or I wasted time. God, could you give us some more time to set things straight? It's pretty important. Life-changing even.
Thank you, SirNorm, for changing the way I think just at the right time. God bless you.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Daniel
Resolve. When you make up your mind unequivocally that you ARE going to do something and stick to it. That's what Daniel did when he resolved not to bend to the orders of man and followed God instead. It was not easy, but in the end, he was blessed and his courage and commitment were rewarded by God.
I started studying Daniel when I felt led to learn about resolving to do something. The word, "resolve" kept spinning in my head. I even found my study notebook, and there was the word and definition in bold print. Apparently, God wants me to learn a little something about resolve. Ya think?
So I began making my notes about Daniel and one that stood out was that he was committed. Enough said. He didn't waver. He didn't wonder and blunder. He committed. Just like I am committed to my husband, my kids, my family, my shower every day. Some things just never waver with me.
Oh, but some things do, and those are the things God is taking issue with when it comes to me. Am I committed to Him? In faith, yes. In attending church? Lately, no. I have been praying about where God wants us to be, and I don't have an answer, but how committed am I to getting the answer? Probably not enough. If I was completely honest, which I am and it bugs people, I really don't miss a lot of things about any church. It's not the church, it's me.
I complain that I don't know what my purpose is. How committed am I to seeking that purpose? How committed am I to taking risks and trying new things? Not enough. Have I resolved to do anything that I know I need to do? When it comes to physical tasks, probably. Spiritually, no. Why? Commitment issues.
This is why God kept bringing the word "resolve" to my mind. He wants me to get going on something. I don't know what it is. He is starting with small commitments like cleaning and organizing the basement project I keep putting off. He wants me to be more efficient in my filing of our home papers. He wants me to start with little things so that I can recognize the resolve, and take it to bigger things.
I equate this with disciplining my own girls, when I am trying to get them to do something without being told. I want them to commit to doing it, then resolve to do it. No questions asked, no forgetting. It is getting done without me. And God asks the same of me, only He will actually help me.
What do I need to resolve to do? It may seem simple. It may seem obvious, and to our heads it usually is. I need to resolve to know that without fail, God loves me unconditionally. Why do I know this? Because people are still making me feel inadequate. I know I am too focused on people and what they think of me. God wants my eyes on Him and Him alone. He wants me to know I'm forgiven, redeemed, loved unconditionally, no matter what any person may say, not say, do or not do. He wants me to resolve to KNOW I am loved without any person ever validating it. He knows this is the area in my life that I fight the most, and so this is the one He has asked me to change.
Big stuff for me. It will lead to lots of prayer, study, contemplation, and accepting something hard for me to accept. I've tackled it before, but obviously was not successful. Being successful will mean I will finally feel free of condemnation. I will stop feeling invisible most of the time. I will stop criticizing myself and others. I will be satisfied with the people in my life instead of looking past them for something better to come along. I will stop questioning "why" and finally just know I am where I am for a reason. I will be at peace with the injustices of my past and be able to move on and be purposeful again.
All of this is so familiar to me, because I've said it all before. I've spoken it, intended it, but didn't resolve hard enough to do it. So, it's time to pull up my Daniel pants, prepare to be thrown into the fire, and rely on God to see me through.
I started studying Daniel when I felt led to learn about resolving to do something. The word, "resolve" kept spinning in my head. I even found my study notebook, and there was the word and definition in bold print. Apparently, God wants me to learn a little something about resolve. Ya think?
So I began making my notes about Daniel and one that stood out was that he was committed. Enough said. He didn't waver. He didn't wonder and blunder. He committed. Just like I am committed to my husband, my kids, my family, my shower every day. Some things just never waver with me.
Oh, but some things do, and those are the things God is taking issue with when it comes to me. Am I committed to Him? In faith, yes. In attending church? Lately, no. I have been praying about where God wants us to be, and I don't have an answer, but how committed am I to getting the answer? Probably not enough. If I was completely honest, which I am and it bugs people, I really don't miss a lot of things about any church. It's not the church, it's me.
I complain that I don't know what my purpose is. How committed am I to seeking that purpose? How committed am I to taking risks and trying new things? Not enough. Have I resolved to do anything that I know I need to do? When it comes to physical tasks, probably. Spiritually, no. Why? Commitment issues.
This is why God kept bringing the word "resolve" to my mind. He wants me to get going on something. I don't know what it is. He is starting with small commitments like cleaning and organizing the basement project I keep putting off. He wants me to be more efficient in my filing of our home papers. He wants me to start with little things so that I can recognize the resolve, and take it to bigger things.
I equate this with disciplining my own girls, when I am trying to get them to do something without being told. I want them to commit to doing it, then resolve to do it. No questions asked, no forgetting. It is getting done without me. And God asks the same of me, only He will actually help me.
What do I need to resolve to do? It may seem simple. It may seem obvious, and to our heads it usually is. I need to resolve to know that without fail, God loves me unconditionally. Why do I know this? Because people are still making me feel inadequate. I know I am too focused on people and what they think of me. God wants my eyes on Him and Him alone. He wants me to know I'm forgiven, redeemed, loved unconditionally, no matter what any person may say, not say, do or not do. He wants me to resolve to KNOW I am loved without any person ever validating it. He knows this is the area in my life that I fight the most, and so this is the one He has asked me to change.
Big stuff for me. It will lead to lots of prayer, study, contemplation, and accepting something hard for me to accept. I've tackled it before, but obviously was not successful. Being successful will mean I will finally feel free of condemnation. I will stop feeling invisible most of the time. I will stop criticizing myself and others. I will be satisfied with the people in my life instead of looking past them for something better to come along. I will stop questioning "why" and finally just know I am where I am for a reason. I will be at peace with the injustices of my past and be able to move on and be purposeful again.
All of this is so familiar to me, because I've said it all before. I've spoken it, intended it, but didn't resolve hard enough to do it. So, it's time to pull up my Daniel pants, prepare to be thrown into the fire, and rely on God to see me through.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Carton Thrower
One of my Christian pages I follow on FB presented a question that basically wanted to know if others had ever felt like "throwing an orange juice carton across the kitchen before church". Now, it was a bit deeper than that, but I think some narrow-minded people read the first sentence and no more than that. Some people took it a bit literally and answered, "never". Some went on to describe themselves as perfect suzy Christians who never had a negative thought, let alone in church! Really? Are there actual perfect people among us? I have NEVER met one yet. And I am thankful for that!
This annoys me to no end, because it's exactly why it's hard to be a Christian in this world. It's even harder to witness to someone when they assume you have no faults or weaknesses. If they only knew how imperfect we really are...if they only knew that the disciples Jesus himself chose were some of the most imperfect mess-makers you'd ever want to meet. Did Suzy miss this part of the Bible?
Did "Suzy" also forget that church is not a place for perfect people? It is full of the hurting, the broken, the lost, the seeking, the confused, the abused. You have no idea who is sitting next to you and what they've been through. Before you go all "suzy Christian" on someone, think of them first. Put yourself last. Get off your pedestal or your throne. Worship yes, but remember you're not always in that church for yourself. Don't like the sermon? I've always said, "it must be for someone who needed that today". And it always is. Because it's not about you, Suzy.
Honestly, the reason I loved my former pastor was because he was far from perfect. He was the first person to really reach a part of me that no one else could. Know why? He was broken in much the same places. I think people mistake understanding for commiserating sometimes. It's not that misery loves company, it's that misery needs understanding and compassion in order for it to turn into something of value. To be an overcomer you have to know what it is you're overcoming. Sometimes it doesn't look like a very nice Christian process, does it? Sometimes it makes you look like a whiner or a complainer, and sometimes we are. But if it doesn't come out, it stays in, and that's worse. Hiding what's wrong doesn't make you look strong. It makes you look like a phony.
Do you always have a stress-free Sunday morning? Is it always pleasant finding clothes that match, fit, are clean? Are you dealing with many different moods in your household, making getting out the door that much harder? Did someone forget to put gas in the car and now you're going to be late? Did you drop the orange juice carton and now the dog is licking it up and will have an accident before you even leave? Is your Sunday morning on the way to church all harps and bells? Mine never was. It has never been easy to get up, get ready and get out the door. I have teenagers. I don't think Suzy has kids at all. Or a pet. Or anyone else to help get ready. I think Suzy's life is pretty compatible for church on Sunday. People like Suzy forget that it's not about her. She should take some of that precious time she has in church to look at the young family in front of her. Do you know how hard it is to get tights on squirming little girls? How hard it might be for the woman to come alone? The enemy works especially hard on Sundays.
Before you claim you've "never" even thought of doing something so awful as to "throw an orange juice carton across the kitchen before church", think of opening your mind to the possibility that those who sit near you probably did. Maybe church isn't just for you to go and worship and feel God's presence. Maybe it's for you to bring that presence to someone who struggles just to get there. Did Suzy think of that?
And to the carton throwers, we're not perfect. We get stuck in our flesh. We put our eyes on material things, like why our pants don't fit this morning. We put obstacles in our way. We have temper flares. We're just not there yet, and it's okay to still be a work in progress. It's okay that you and Suzy are nothing alike. What's not okay is that Suzy knows you're nothing alike and ignores you because of it.
Just some things to think about today....
This annoys me to no end, because it's exactly why it's hard to be a Christian in this world. It's even harder to witness to someone when they assume you have no faults or weaknesses. If they only knew how imperfect we really are...if they only knew that the disciples Jesus himself chose were some of the most imperfect mess-makers you'd ever want to meet. Did Suzy miss this part of the Bible?
Did "Suzy" also forget that church is not a place for perfect people? It is full of the hurting, the broken, the lost, the seeking, the confused, the abused. You have no idea who is sitting next to you and what they've been through. Before you go all "suzy Christian" on someone, think of them first. Put yourself last. Get off your pedestal or your throne. Worship yes, but remember you're not always in that church for yourself. Don't like the sermon? I've always said, "it must be for someone who needed that today". And it always is. Because it's not about you, Suzy.
Honestly, the reason I loved my former pastor was because he was far from perfect. He was the first person to really reach a part of me that no one else could. Know why? He was broken in much the same places. I think people mistake understanding for commiserating sometimes. It's not that misery loves company, it's that misery needs understanding and compassion in order for it to turn into something of value. To be an overcomer you have to know what it is you're overcoming. Sometimes it doesn't look like a very nice Christian process, does it? Sometimes it makes you look like a whiner or a complainer, and sometimes we are. But if it doesn't come out, it stays in, and that's worse. Hiding what's wrong doesn't make you look strong. It makes you look like a phony.
Do you always have a stress-free Sunday morning? Is it always pleasant finding clothes that match, fit, are clean? Are you dealing with many different moods in your household, making getting out the door that much harder? Did someone forget to put gas in the car and now you're going to be late? Did you drop the orange juice carton and now the dog is licking it up and will have an accident before you even leave? Is your Sunday morning on the way to church all harps and bells? Mine never was. It has never been easy to get up, get ready and get out the door. I have teenagers. I don't think Suzy has kids at all. Or a pet. Or anyone else to help get ready. I think Suzy's life is pretty compatible for church on Sunday. People like Suzy forget that it's not about her. She should take some of that precious time she has in church to look at the young family in front of her. Do you know how hard it is to get tights on squirming little girls? How hard it might be for the woman to come alone? The enemy works especially hard on Sundays.
Before you claim you've "never" even thought of doing something so awful as to "throw an orange juice carton across the kitchen before church", think of opening your mind to the possibility that those who sit near you probably did. Maybe church isn't just for you to go and worship and feel God's presence. Maybe it's for you to bring that presence to someone who struggles just to get there. Did Suzy think of that?
And to the carton throwers, we're not perfect. We get stuck in our flesh. We put our eyes on material things, like why our pants don't fit this morning. We put obstacles in our way. We have temper flares. We're just not there yet, and it's okay to still be a work in progress. It's okay that you and Suzy are nothing alike. What's not okay is that Suzy knows you're nothing alike and ignores you because of it.
Just some things to think about today....