Big question

"Where are you (Adam)?" 

                     Genesis 3:9

Simple question, but what's the answer? God knew where Adam was, "hiding" in the garden, "hiding" from God. He asked the question anyway because he wanted Adam to see his truth. 

This verse, this sentence, has been stuck in my mind for weeks. It's almost like a constant reminder that God is near. Kind of a funny verse to get that point, especially since the Bible is full of verses about God's nearness to us. If I didn't have to type on my iPhone, I would include all of those Scriptures just to make my point. 

But for some reason, "where are you?" Is powerful in its 3-word simplicity. Where am I? Good question. Am I walking in the Spirit or trying to handle life my way? Am I honest with myself? Am I trying to "hide" from God? Myself? Am I living a life that glorifies God? 

Boy, where am I? Good question. I'm not where I should be. Sure, I've been battling this mystery illness and staying home rather than getting to church. I've been lazy with my Bible study and my time with God. Is there anywhere more important to be? No. I'm not always where I should be. 

"Where are you?" 

3 little words. Huge question. 

Being Winsome

One of my daughters told me the other day, "I just got a text from youth. It says I've been chosen to find and bring new teens to youth group. Seems like it's kind of a secret, but I'm telling you!" 

I was glad she blew the "secret", as it gave me an opportunity to give her firsthand knowledge of this very subject. 

I began with telling her my story of being a teen, not being part of a church ( a no-no for ex-Catholics at that time), and being purposely excluded from the very youth group my daughters now attend! My friends(so-called) couldn't wait to tell me of all the fun they were having with their youth group, yet never once invited me. See, I was an "outsider". They didn't want me. They only wanted "good Christian kids". I felt shunned. 

Somewhere in my limited-spiritual knowledge mind, this felt completely off. Didn't God love everyone? Even Catholics who left their church out of principle? Did Jesus leave people out because they weren't "clean enough" to come worship with the so-called "good" people? I had so little Bible knowledge, but even then I thought I was right and they were the wrong ones.

While some churches may still feel their youth groups should only be for Christians, I believe youth groups should be available to anyone who wants to be there. Kids who are still in the dark can be rowdy, crass, and unpleasant. Guess what? So can kids in the light! They're teens, after all. We should be blessed that they walk into the doors rather than past them! Doesn't God take us where we are? Sorry, but some well-meaning Christians are a little too narrow-minded sometimes. I just can't take that. 

Anyway, this was the answer I gave her- "before you go rounding up all these "new" people, it would be more important to talk to the ones who left first. Chances are they don't feel missed. They feel unimportant. At least invite them back first, then recruit new. 

Know how I know this? I've lived it. Over and over. This is how God changes our hearts. Sometimes we need to feel ignored, stomped on, or betrayed so that He can shine even brighter. Maybe that's the light I felt in high school when those girls continually left me out of their perfect Christianity. That was God pinging my heart, assuring me they were wrong. 

It would be years after that when I would truly give my heart to Christ. It was just between us. All my Christian friends were long gone by then. 

I sure hope my daughter can attract people to God by being loving and kind. By being able to answer questions without the words hell and damnation ever being said. It's not our job to condemn and threaten. It's our job to do one thing and one thing only. Love. 

If we can't love, then we're not working for God. We can't be winsome by standing on judgemental soapboxes and pointing fingers. We can't reflect love by being jerks. I recently read a Facebook post by a Christian man I once knew and it made me so irate that I couldn't get back to sleep!! The heart of my anger was that because of his blatant legalism, people lose trust in churches and even God. They make other Christians go around cleaning up the messes their words make. 

Yes, my daughter has a tough job ahead, but she wants to succeed. To bring her friends in, introduce them to youth, and let God do the rest. We should all approach it this simply. 

Oh Snow

Dear Snow, 

I was sorry to see you today. In fact, you showed up uninvited twice this week. Usually a hospitable lady, I'm no longer enjoying your stay. You've been around since Thanksgiving! You caused me to put out a third of my normal Christmas decorations, all of which are still frozen to the ground. Considering it's almost time for "spring break", you have clearly worn out your welcome. See, I'm not enjoying you from under my cozy blanket, tea in hand. I'm not celebrating you by turning up Tony Bennett's "Snowfall" album while baking up scones. I am not that sweet lady anymore!!

Go. Just go. Don't look back. Do not collect $200.00 and stop these crazy visits. You are a troublemaker! You are cold, slippery, messy, and a party pooper. 

I promise if you'll go away now, I'll be happy to see you again next year. Truly I will. And we'll once again rekindle our winter fling-you with your tender flakes and me with my tea. 

Snow, come on, you know it's the right thing to do....oh snow, please.... Just go. 

Regards, 

Me

Testing 1-2-3

I survived! I stayed awake ( just barely at times!), made it through my EEG ( not ECG), and got my event recorder.  My secret to staying awake? Drink lots of ice water and eat oranges. That works until you realize you're in the bathroom every 15 minutes. And I'm sorry to the technician who spent all that time hooking me up only for me to ask if I could use the restroom. Yeah, every trick has it's drawbacks! 

Praise God- my other tests last week came back normal! I'm sure these will too. I'm getting the biggest ones aced! 

Today I got my heart event recorder. I'll wear that for a week, pressing the button only when or if my heart does it's "thing". Steve tried to test it already. He gave me a kiss and then said, better press that button.... ;) that button will be worn out! Haha 

When all the tests do come back normal as I hope they do, the question will be--what IS going on? I feel like my doc is fully engaged and committed to figuring this out. He didn't just jump to conclusions or use the ever-ready excuse used on women in their mid-40's-"it's hormones. Get used to it". One way or another, I'll get answers and healing. I assured God that whatever it is, I won't be a big whiny baby, but I'm willing to use it for good. I'm not saying "bring it on". I'm saying "I'll do it if it's Your will." Use me. And maybe it's easier to say that on this end of the test results...

Thank you for praying for me, Angela and "Sir Norm", and to my close friends and family. It has given me such peace to know you have lifted me up in what has been a really trying time. 

God bless you! 

Sleepy

It's 2:36am, and I am trying to stay awake for my ECG tomorrow. Sleep-deprived. They write it on the form as if it is like any other instruction, but this prep is like no other. I was sleep deprived the night before-wonder if that counts? Oh, I wish! I've written cards, made popcorn, baked muffins for the girls, watched hours of tv on DVD classics. I am doing laundry, my nails, anything to keep me awake. Truth is, I could pass out at any second and it would feel amazing! 

Lord give me strength to stay awake for 6 more hours. Give me people to pray for or some bursts of energy. Watching the dog sleep peacefully is not helping! 

Just a few more.... Yawn... A few....mo...

Holding on

The Friday night brain MRI went better than I expected. With the open bed there was not one hint of my former claustrophobia. What a relief to have it over, but now I wait for the results, if any. I didn't have a nice weekend, as planned, because I ended up having 2 more "episodes", leaving me exhausted and lazy for two straight days. These episodes were slightly different than the last few, and quite honestly made me a little fearful. I've been hiding it pretty well from the kids, but that's hard to do on a weekend. I keep telling them I'm fine, but I finally said to my husband, what if it's bad? 

Then I remembered my own words--My faith will be bigger than my fear. And so as I lay watching the sparkly light show in my eyes, I repeated over and over , "He is the God who heals me." 

Whatever this is, good, bad, simple or complicated, it will be okay. I just need to hold on. Hold on to the faith I profess and the Scripture I pray confidently over everyone else. Those same promises have been made to me. 

I can do this! 

Hope!

I told you so....spring is coming! 

Music Appreciation

I was a band student all through school and I loved every aspect of being part of the band. So, of course, I am extremely happy to have both of my girls involved in band. Last night was the MSAC Honors Band night. This band is comprised of 6 area schools' top band students. They work together all day, with instruction from all of the band directors, then put on  2 performances the same day. It's a challenge, but they come away having learned new things and making new friends. Serena is the only tenor sax player in the 8th grade, so Mr. B asked her to again join the high school band for the day. She was so excited and loves the challenge. The concert was a joy to attend last night. Music amazes me anyway, but the way it unites strangers has always intrigued me. These kids just blow me away! They have an incredible teacher in Mr. B and have made the most amazing friends through band. Everyone puts so much emphasis on sports, but often overlook the arts. I would advise them to try both! They won't be disappointed. And they might just be surprised how similar they actually are. 

God, Chocolate, and a Good Attitude

My week has been busy, having one kid starting track practice and the other starting back into guitar lessons. Steve and I have been over to my sister's new place 3 nights this week, helping get her business up and running again. We have a concert tonight, doc appointment Friday night, kids here for all day band practice on Saturday, then back to my sister's Saturday night to work some more. All of this busy-ness has been good for me, keeping my mind off myself! 

Friday night I go in for another test, and it's the only one I've dreaded so far. Not because I fear the outcome, I just fear the  anxiety of it. I've been through a couple of these and have panicked  at one of them. I have severe claustrophobia! Darn me! The good side? Proof I have a brain in my head, kids! And maybe Steve will treat me to a taco when it's over. :) 

Next week I undergo another brain test where I have to stay awake for 24 hours! Whatever will I do? Organize cabinets? Bake? Write letters? Play the drums? I have trouble staying awake to watch my favorite shows. This will be a challenge! Go me! The nurse said to arrive grouchy and tired. I laughed. I get loopy and punchy when I'm tired. Won't they be lucky to work with me? Oh, yes!  

After that appointment, I get fitted for a heart event recorder. Since I will be sleep-deprived at that appointment, I'm sure I won't care about anything they say. Steve will have to pay attention. I'm pretty curious about what my heart will do while someone is " watching"! I'm sure it will race at the sight of my hubby at the end of the day. Off the charts!! :) 

It's going to be an eventful couple of weeks, but God will get me through it! God and chocolate...and a good attitude! 

Praying in Pink

I am so very tired today, but I have some important tasks to finish. I am writing down prayers I will be saying for my daughters so that I can be consistent in praying in specific areas. I found some printouts online from Proverbs 31 Ministries, and decided to hand write them on pink cards. I will then carry them with me wherever I go and say them quietly and aloud. 

I do pray for my girls each day, but lately I've felt the world tugging at them harder than ever. I feel a loss of control, a sense that what we're trying to teach them as parents is falling on deaf ears. We fear for our girls safety in this world, not just their physical safety, but for the state of their souls. I know I'm not God. I am mom. But oh boy, do the lines get blurred sometimes!! And so I need to commit to praying in those areas I can't control and give God my fears and concerns. 

My girls live in the world, but I don't want them to conform to the world. They are in public school because I believe God wants them to be influential there. They have been for sure. I believe they will go to public colleges and influence there too. They will live in a public neighborhood, work a public job, and relate with people of all types, beliefs, etc... And I think all of that is for their benefit and for those who will come to know them. We're not a mission-minded family in the normal definition of the word. We don't go to other countries or send things to other places. We look to see where we can be of service and help to those right next to us. The Lord brings those people to us and sometimes we find them on our own. Some have sat at the lunch table with Natalie and asked, "what does a Christian do?" And so I need to pray for them. They are the ones on the front lines of the mission field. They risk something every day. I can't say they risk being ridiculed because there are a surprising number of kids at their school involved in their churches. I say surprising because faith is something they all hold pretty close to the vest at school. But it only takes a couple to step out and speak their faith for two or three more to join in. And so I pray. And I'll keep praying till the day I leave this earth. That is my promise. That will be my legacy. 

The Middle

What do you think about pampering? This is the important life-changing question on my mind today! So although I consider myself to be feminine and enjoy keeping myself looking my best, I am not a fussy pants kind of girl. I'm far from the qualifications of calling myself "girl", but it makes me feel young, so don't correct me! (44 and proud)

I've had exactly one manicure my whole life. It was one week before my wedding, almost 20 years ago. I've had 2 massages, both scheduled by my dear hubby, who wanted to surprise me. He's the one who got the surprise--I don't like massages. Oh, I love actual massages, just not by people I don't know! I know, it's so weird!! Never had a pedicure and probably never will. I don't enjoy shopping for clothes like a lot of women. I have never taken a "selfie". I don't enjoy Tupperware parties or any other purse, jewelry, or other girly party. You would never know it by looking at me, and that's the way I like it. If this describes you, no worries! I have girly friends and I love them just the way they are-long nails and all! 

So I'm not a "girly girl", but I can look like one. I love the outdoors, but I scream at the sight of snakes and big spiders! I can look that part too, especially after a day of tree trimming or landscaping. I love dirt! I have friends who hunt for all kinds of animals, even bears! Me? I rescue and feed them, talk to them, and enjoy watching them. I wouldn't shoot a gun because I neither want nor need to. I don't wear my bathing suit in public or mixed company. I'm very modest. I am more comfortable in my running capris and my hubby's Detroit lions sweatshirt! While ladies like to "lunch", I love picnics and loathe snooty things! I'm not a prude, but when certain discussions begin with women, I find the nearest exit. Then I laugh all the way to the car. 

I guess I'm just like my mom after all. Mom was a hard worker, always looking put together, but was never caught up in herself. We spent hours gardening together instead of shopping and manicures. Oh, we shopped, but it was always for me, never for herself. She rarely did her nails, preferring to keep her gardening hands ready for dirt. I admire that then and I do now. She is real. 

But I'm a happy middle. Having two teen daughters requires some sort of girly-ness. For them I have one toe in and one toe out where girly stuff is concerned.  We will probably never do a spa day, but we will have a blast clearing trees AND  trying on shoes, right? Yeah, we can do happy middle. I'm working on that for their sake. 

Sorry for the "shallow" post today. It all came about when Natalie was invited to the "pampering" day at her church. She wrinkled up her nose and said "spa day" as if someone opened a big bag of stink. She said, " why would I want to do THAT? I would rather do a hundred other things!" I just smiled and said, "You are your mother's daughter." Then we sat and talked about music and what we want to do in the music room. We laughed over something someone said at school. We talked about eyebrows. She enjoys burping loudly-like Ryan. I don't enjoy that so I scold her a bit. We laugh again. Just girls-having fun together. We don't need no stinkin spa! :) 

Yeah, I can do "middle"! And maybe it's okay that I'm not a girly spa mom. I'm just who I am! Isn't that better than faking it? We don't need a "girl's day". We could do a day at Dave & Buster's (big arcade) followed by a bacon burger, and we are golden. Just girls, enjoying our favorite things-together. 

Heart Fight

The alarm went off this morning, same time as always. Nice Christian music began to play as I lay cuddling my dog. She uses my alarm as her cue to snuggle. So I hit snooze and began to plan my day. Nagging thoughts jumped in: why did so and so walk right by and ignore me on Thursday night....see, this is why I won't go back to that church....rude...and her friend....rude too...what is their problem anyway....just makes me mad....can't trust anyone these days...And on and on it went until the alarm sounded again. And frustrated, I got out of bed. 

Waste. Of. Time. Being angry and unforgiving, that is. I have enough on my mind these days. I really can't be parking on negativity. I don't have time for people who are petty and rude to me. I certainly don't have time to go home and take more time stewing about it too. 

I opened my devotional this morning and there it was. "Is there someone you need to forgive?" And I continued to read. By the end I hadn't let go of my bitterness, but as I drove this morning, I asked God to take it from me. I asked to be refined. To let him deal with my enemies and let me go on in peace! To let go so it doesn't control me anymore. I may ask these very things again tomorrow. 

I often think of God as a referee between people. Blowing the whistle, tossing the penalty flag, calling a foul. All the while we ignore him and continue the battle! We're often at war with ourselves and others. We're unreasonable, short-sighted, and self-centered. We like to be right!! We want to be validated, justified, accepted, approved, included, invited, regarded, respected, enjoyed, trusted, and cared for. Loved. 

Why do we continue to think that people-imperfect people-can fulfill all of those things? And then wonder why we are frequently disappointed? Because we don't know or don't trust that God can fulfill all of our needs. All. Of. Them. 

God is not the referee in the middle. He is at the top! He fights for all hearts and all relationships and does His work in repairing them if we let him. 

Faith over Fear

"Let your faith be stronger than your fear."

That quote is steady on my heart as I go through some medical testing over the next couple of weeks. Then waiting for the results....always a party, right? 

Well, God knows the outcome already, and He will prepare me for healing. This is a Truth! Whatever is going on, He already knows! He is one step ahead of me and always right beside me. He is even behind me in case I stumble backwards. He's got me covered! 

My faith will be stronger than my fears. 

Value

"Proud parents of two honor students". Okay, I could legitimately put this on a bumper sticker and slap it on the mom van, but never would I ever!  It doesn't matter that the world knows we have 2 smart kids. We were pretty proud of them being Board Scholars and keeping such good grades. Of course we would be proud of that, but I am so much prouder of the character I see developing in them. I am prouder of the way they value friendships and family members, their teachers, coaches, and pastors. They value people! I think that is so much more honorable than getting stellar grades. If the world learns anything about my kids, I hope it will be through the kindness they show to others, not their accomplishments. And as much as I'd love to take credit for their smarts, it's all God!! He has big things in store for our girls. I just get to watch them happen. 

Let's Talk it out

Recently a radio station posted a question on Facebook asking about church splits, and asking the reader to share their story. Well, you would have thought they were asking you to share your greatest sin! So many people were offended by this question, even vowing to "unfollow" the station. The overall feeling from these people was that talking about a church split wasn't "edifying" and it was spurring "gossip". Funny, I didn't see it that way at all! 

Sometimes Christians, even reputable ones get a little too high on the horse, making "rules" about what we should and should not say or do. They seem to think we should never utter a human word or emotion and be in the Spirit always. Ideally, yes! But we live in a world where flesh happens! We live and worship among the broken and the fallen. Should they never utter their story because it might offend someone? Isn't that how most of us have learned how to make corrections in life, by sometimes watching the mistakes of others? Sometimes making them ourselves??

So what's so wrong about talking about a church split? I can think of a few guidelines, as far as keeping your integrity intact. Will your story help or harm? Will it add perspective or will it breed dissension? Are you aiming to hurt or discredit or are you merely hurt and praying for reconciliation? Are you disappointed and need direction? What's the purpose? Isn't that the real question? I think this radio station asked a great question, albeit taboo for those who didn't understand it well. The question was being posed to Christians! Shouldn't they know how to answer that question in a godly way already? And instead of giving a thoughtful, Christ-reflective answer, they chose to tear apart the question. We have a big responsibility if our true goal is to show others who this God is we love so much and want to introduce to others. We can't be so stuck in piety and perfection and rules that we don't see opportunities to teach and offer Biblical insight to real problems. They can't just be shoved under the rug or "unfollowed" because they are uncomfortable to discuss. 

Going Deep

I've said it before, I'll say it again... Blogging beats all the shortcut social media out there. It is for the thinkers... The writers...the ones whose heads swim with thoughts non-stop. Trust me, I don't share every thought I have. I don't need to! But it is a great outlet to discuss topics or thoughts in a well-rounded, full circle way, if you want to. I don't care for the communication outlets that either limit or expect you to keep it short. To me that's just another way to be dismissive in a world that almost celebrates it. They want their foods faster, their electronics faster, quicker service, faster friendships. Hmmm.., that just doesn't fit, does it?? They aren't blog readers or even book readers. They don't want to think too deeply! I know these people. I don't particularly enjoy them! Let's have a conversation about real things! Let's take our time to develop a thought! Let's see where we connect. Why?? Because at the heart of who we are is a person created to love others and have relationships that reflect that love. I can't do that in a shallow small talk forum. I can't do it with people who want the Cliff Notes version of me. I can keep it short for sure. But you'll never know me. And I'll never know you. And ever the non-conformist, I will relate to others my way. Not the polished up Facebook way. I'm all about being positive and happy for the accomplishments of others and their children. But I learn more from those who really share the real authentic happenings of life. Not to be a big ole belly-acher, poor me-feel sorry for me stuff. But to learn from the life experiences of others and to be inspired! To learn that everyone struggles. Some people seem to enjoy the struggle and the attention... See Facebook for that. Blogging says, "let's go a little deeper. Not for attention. Not for recognition. But because I am going to learn something and maybe teach something too." And I have time for that! 

Sweet Days of Mine

Daylight savings time has claimed yet another night of my sleep! I was awake nearly all night, trying to sleep on the couch with Angel stretched out on me. Yes, on me! One nightmare, one super loud expansion of the French doors (crrrraack!!), and a symphony of basement/house noises....just a few of the night's challenges. When I attempted to get off the couch, I found one back spasm, a pull in my neck, and a numb foot. And a still sleeping, very cozy dog...ah, to be a dog! One good result of a bad night is I pretty much laid around all day! I popped in a few classic 80's movies to watch with my lovely daughter Serena and lap dog, of course. Steve whipped up a super dinner that just "curled my toes" ( Footloose)! Add to that a couple bags of candy hidden in my chair side Kleenex basket and I was golden! Yes, I had a headache all day, leftover from last night, despite Steve's heroic massaging efforts as I snacked on candy ( yes, again) with my feet up, watching Modern Family reruns. Yes, I still had that pulled muscle and a good case of fatigue! But I had the best two days ever. I have so much TLC from my hubby and my precious pooch. They are always taking care of me. Who can complain? Not me. Not while I still have all this candy! 

Study: Party of One

One thing I miss is having regular Bible study with a small group. Until God provides the group, I will continue to study on my own. Some study is better than none! I decided to study Proverbs, since it is the source of so much quick wisdom and truth. It seems I'm always writing something from Proverbs on the family white board. Usually when I sense a struggle in that area or am having one myself. Let's just say I need a bigger white board! I am excited to read this again with a fresh perspective and an open mind. Maybe it will inspire me to share what I'm learning. We'll see what The Lord has in store! 

Hello there, 40!

I never thought I'd be celebrating a 40 degree day, but whoopie!! I did a little spring decorating and made myself a lemonade. I have needed this sunshine for so long! I even volunteered to drive the carpool on my day off just to enjoy my loud music, fresh air, and sunshine. And, of course, to share in the smiles that a sunny day will surely bring as we drive home today. Friday, I'm in love...!

In pursuit of Hearts

I gave up Facebook on January 13th. Cold turkey! No status updates, no peeking at the newsfeed, no pictures posted. This month I started just checking my messages and looking for school updates, but I have no desire to be a full-fledged Facebook participant again. 

I knew it would eventually come to this when Steve first launched our account last February. See, I know these things about myself. The same way I know that I won't step foot in a bar. I won't buy a new car, I won't tattoo my skin. Don't get me wrong, these things aren't awful. Just like Facebook isn't awful. It's just not for me for different reasons, some of them quite funny. Like the reason I won't tattoo my body. It would drive me crazy to have a design on me that is the same. Every day! Forever!  Wipe off tattoos are awesome. I like change! I won't step foot in a bar because of genetics. I have no desire to continue the alcoholism in my family. Oddly, I've always liked the taste of beer. I'm Irish, I'm German, yeah, I can see the correlation. So I'm careful. And no car dealer will ever get me! Used cars, baby, that's the way I roll. I hate car payments! 

And Facebook, though we have broken up, you served your purpose- I shared the details of Natalie's surgery and kept everyone informed. But when I was done sharing, they were done listening. Except for the lovely strangers I met who still keep in touch. Facebook gets the credit for a couple new friendships, I suppose. But it's also another tool to stay at an arms length from people. 

Just another way humans express every emotion to anyone who will listen for their own agendas. Your forum is rarely about meaningful topics, but rather a spewing of political blather, the sharing of physical symptoms, the careless spilling of fleeting emotions, and the bottomless need for human attention. It's very "me" generated, much like the world we live in. It's much the opposite of the world I want to see: one who puts others above himself, and one who doesn't feel the need to announce every little thing to the world, be it good or bad. What does the world need most? Human contact. Real love. Energy. Connection. Selflessness!! You can try to manufacture it by email, text, or social media, but none of it will reach the most important thing of all. Your heart. There is no substitute for real human relationships!! Getting off Facebook has made me realize this more and I've gotten back in the habit of talking to my dear friend on the phone every week again! 

I needed to shared heart and Facebook left me empty. Real people have hearts and those are the ones it will spend time pursuing. 

Blizzard Ball Beauty

Serena had her first semi-formal tonight and she looked lovely. I can't believe how fast she is growing up!