Working It Out

I'm still on my roll this week with Fitness and how it fits in to my new life with whatever this is I deal with everyday. I hesitate to give it a title. Maybe one day I will just wake up and it will be gone. I can hope! I did some stretching yesterday, even though I felt yucky and dizzyingly fatigued. It was always part of my exercise routine, and something that always calmed me. I could not believe all the popping and snapping I heard in my back! Yikes.

So today, I looked up a few exercise ideas for us snails, and here is what I found. Enjoy, and make some plans to try them out and tell me what you think.

1. Stretching: It's a no-brainer. We learned it in elementary gym class, but the truth is, our bodies have aged since then and don't move the same way anymore! Start out with some gentle stretches that feel good to you. I hesitate to recommend them here, because everyone's situation and condition is different. Consult with your doc or therapist before you try these out. Most are pretty safe though and can be done without harm. Use your best judgment. Stop if something doesn't feel right.

2. Walking: We all know how it's done, but it's not as easy as it sounds, right? Walking can be rough on the joints, as well as the stamina if you suffer from fatigue as well. I love to use my Leslie Sansone, "Walk Away the Pounds" Home Walking DVD sets. She has basic 1 mile walks all the way up to vigorous 5 mile walks with weights. You don't have to leave home and you can stop if you need to stop. If you're able to walk, it's so good for stress relief. If fatigue is a problem, sometimes walking helps,it just depends on the day. You know what I mean. I sometimes need a walking stick just to go to the end of my long driveway. I'm 44. Oh well. Call me an old lady if you will. It's a compliment!

3. Aquacise: Some local community centers with pools offer great programs for water aerobics and because they are low impact and take all the weight off your joints, it is a good option for some. There are lots of videos on YouTube to check out what this is like if you're a little hesitant to try it out. I'm not much of a water bug and I don't care for being in a public pool, but I do enjoy my own pool and exercising in the privacy of my own home. It's very relaxing and a good workout too. I'm not sure on the cost. I'm sure it varies everywhere. Last time I checked our pool was a cool 71 degrees F. I'm a big baby. A big cold baby.

4. Yoga: This is basically a mind-body practice that engages stretching, breathing, and relaxation all at once. Sometimes using basic positions, and then gradually progressing into poses. There are many different types and levels. There are a lot of benefits to yoga, such as improved flexibility, improved posture, core strength, improvement of anxiety, depression, insomnia, some types of pain, and other conditions. Most people can do it. Some people find it difficult to hold poses as it can put pressure on wrists, ankles, and knees. It is recommended to talk to a physician before you try yoga, as some conditions can be worsened by attempting certain positions. I got my information from mayoclinic.org, a source I often consult. And no, I will not be saying "Namaste." It's just not me. I would probably say something like, "Na-Nu, Na-Nu", Mork style.

5. Pilates: A system of core-strengthening exercises developed by Joseph Pilates in the 20's, for the purpose of rehabilitating soldiers returning from war. It focuses on strength, flexibility, and body awareness. It is resistance-training, non-aerobic, although having tried this, you will sweat! It can be done on a mat, but there are other forms that are done on machinery with instructors. A few years ago Pilates was all the rage and all the celebrities were sporting their super fit bodies and advertising Winsor Pilates as the secret fix. I would suggest a beginning program, obviously. Having done physical therapy many times for many different things, I strongly believe that a strong core is the key to keeping your body healthy.

6. Hand weights: I have weights from 1lb. all the weigh (see what i did there?) up to 10lbs, They've been collecting dust next to my "Biggest Loser" DVDs for awhile, but I really do enjoy weights. For one thing, you can do many reps while doing most anything. As long as you keep good form in your body and focus on the muscle you are working on, you will see benefits in as little as 2 weeks. Feeling strong anywhere in your body is such a good mind builder too! Again, check out YouTube for easy workouts for hand weights. Do it while you watch your favorite shows or read your favorite blogs!

7. Natalie's Choice: Natalie had spinal surgery last June, and  is just now rebuilding strength again. She's finding it difficult to maintain exercise for many of the same reasons I do. She tires easily, for one. For another, her spine is still out of alignment, so some of the typical core strengthening exercises are painful for her to do. We don't do floor push ups (they make me dizzy and hurt her back), so we either do them on the wall or on the kitchen counter. We do wall sits (for the thighs), and stair steps (stepping up and down our own staircase). She enjoys shooting baskets (cardio), but can't run for very long (hurts misaligned hips). She likes working with resistance bands for her weak shoulders (which subluxate frequently), and enjoys swimming and walking. Even she, at 16, has had to learn to adapt her active lifestyle to make it work for her new lifestyle as a post-spinal fusion patient.

If we can agree on one thing, it's that we didn't ask for the big old blocks that were put in our lives. We didn't do anything to deserve them. Natalie sure didn't do anything to deserve a curvy spine and subsequent surgery in the prime of her teenage life. We were, however, given this opportunity to bring God glory through the trial that we have in front of us. We're going to have rough days, for sure. Days we want to throw in the towel. Days we argue with God or doctors, or feel we've been betrayed or cheated somehow. Days we wrestle with the flesh. But we will all come around. We always do. Because somewhere deep in our spirits we know we have the strength to handle these challenges head on, with grace, with dignity, and with love in our hearts to help someone else going through it too. Because that's where the glory will come to God. When we connect through our trials instead of withdraw because of them, we can bring glory to Him. I am working on this. I'm a bit of a turtle.

Some of my dearest, newest friends have been made because of my illness. Because it was at this time I found out who was willing to pray for me and who was willing to trust me with their own pain and allow me to pray for them. There is beauty in ashes. I refuse to let myself believe any less, no matter how bad I may feel today or any other day.

Spiritual Health

I've spent the last couple of days researching different exercises and ideas for relieving the many obstacles to chronic illness or conditions. As I've "blazed my trail", it's no wonder that I've begun to encounter more bumps in the trail! The more I try to do good, the worse I tend to feel. The past few days my fatigue has been unbearable, and I've been trying to push through it. I've started having the weird palpitations again (PVCs) and the tension headaches. All symptoms of sneaky anxiety. Ironically, I hadn't been feeling as anxious lately. In fact I had a pretty good day Sunday, being able to help take Serena to music camp and be a part of her day, encouraging her through a difficult audition, and I felt purposeful. Last night before I went to sleep I told Steve I don't think about or even say the "S" word anymore (seizures), as I didn't want to claim it. In fact, I was hoping that the EEG from the U of M would show nothing! I was believing in a miracle. This morning when I checked my email, I found my test results.

I was not happy to find that the result is still abnormal. It still shows seizure activity and I have to stay on this awful medication. So, today, I felt the physical results of my emotional reaction. I waited for my daughter to be picked up by her friend for lunch and I put myself back under the covers. I didn't care how long I stayed there. I got up 2 hours later and I still felt as awful. In fact, I didn't feel better until my daughter walked back through the door. I felt even better when husband and daughter number 2 walked through the door. It is so hard to be sick and alone. The mind is powerful. It should not be alone when the body is sick.

I picked up my Bible today in the midst of my gloom, and I read the 4 verses suggested by Joyce Meyer. The ones that make the devil flee. I read them and spoke them aloud. She reminded me that I don't need victory. I already have it. The enemy is only able to get at us when we are vulnerable. Alone. Sick. Weak. Not in our bodies, but in spirit. So while my body may be betraying me, my spirit continues to fight for me. There is no such thing as giving up when Christ abides in you and me. I must remember this or the anxiety, the worry, and the fear leaves the door of evil wide open for attack. This can't happen. I have already been purchased! I am not for sale.

So while I look for ways to be worldly ways to be healthy (food, exercise, hydration), I can't overlook the most important to me, and that is being in God's Word each day. Illness isn't easy on any level, and reading the Bible isn't going to make it any easier than a healthy diet, but knowing you are putting good in your body and mind brings health to your spirit and that is where all things begin.

John 4:4  You, dear children, are from God, and have overcome them, because the One who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

Romans 8:37 In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Colossians 1:13-14 For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the Kingdom of the Son he loves in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Luke 10:19 I have given you the authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.

Let's Figure This out Together

Thank you for your comments regarding my exercise post yesterday. Sir Norm, I actually have been doing some searching on Pilates and Arthro-Pilates, something that was actually born in Canada by a young lady with arthritis. She has found much success with her own symptom management, and teaches the method to those suffering with arthritis and fibromyalgia, and other ailments also with success. I have not tried it myself, but the website is www.arthro-pilates.com. Her name is Lori Weisbrod, of Toronto, Canada. Unfortunately, she's a bit far to do a home session with any of us here in the U.S! Since she designed the plan, I wanted to give credit to her. She has DVD's, of course. I have arthritis in my spine and knees, but it's not bugging me too much. I'm keeping her in the back of my mind for later if it ever does cause a problem.

I have also been thinking of the barriers to exercise when you're dealing with feeling crummy all the time. It's not that we want to focus on the obstacle so we can say to ourselves, "There! See? That's why I can't do it!" We need to see what our obstacles are so we can put it in the column marked, "Things to overcome!" The truth is, there are some things that might be here to stay. Well, so be it. Move to the next one on the list and keep crossing them off! Here are a few things I put on the list:

1. Fatigue: This is the biggie. Medication causes it. The illness causes it. Not much fixes it, even rest. Sometimes we just have to push through it. Sometimes we have to work around it. The way to deal with it is to make sure you're eating as healthy as you can. Drink lots of water. Get to bed on time. Work in some physical activity during the day. (we'll get to that). Talk to your doc about it. Maybe you can adjust the meds at some point or find a new one. Don't just accept it. I know it's frustrating. It's my biggest hurdle right now and I hate it.

2. Pain: This is a tough one, because every condition is different. I can't claim to know how my friends feel. I only know how I feel. Make sure you are communicating your pain to your doctor the best you can. If you are moving in a way that does not feel right, it probably isn't! Putting strain on a weak body could cause injury. Always ask for medical advice before you start exercising. Maybe physical therapy is a better option, or swimming. Just don't give up at the slightest discomfort. Know that it's not going to be easy. Your body isn't what it used to be and it is legitimately tired out.

3. Unpredictable Days: Most people say, "we all have the same amount of hours in a day". No, we don't. Not when most of your 24 hours could be spent trying to sleep or rest up because your symptoms flared up again or you spent a day in the ER or the hospital again. For every day you spend sick, you spend a few more trying to regain your strength. On a good day, you might have 6 hours. Don't let people plan your days. If someone is telling you, "oh, you could probably come to the party for a few hours, right?" they really have no idea how you feel. Your response should be, "I will do the best I can." And then do just that. Don't worry about letting others down. Your job is to take care of yourself and get well. Let them deal with their own healthy selves. You have bigger things to worry about.

4. Motivation/Accountability: It's hard to get motivated when #1 is kicking you in the tushy daily. Think of it this way. If you knew you had 10 loads of laundry and you had to pound them all against rocks in a stream 5 miles away, how motivated would you be to start that laundry every day? That's how daunting a workout can feel any given day! And if no one is there to hold you to it, hey, who cares, right? Wrong. You must hold yourself to a higher standard. You have to make your health a priority. It is hard to get motivated when all you want to do is sit or sleep or wallow in pain, but sometimes all it takes is a simple stretch to get you going. Then another stretch, then another, and before you know it, you've moved! And you're motivated. As far as being held accountable for your exercise, I've found this to be a very difficult area. I've tried accountability partners in different areas before. It has not worked. I wish I could tell you the secret, but I don't have it. If you can find someone who you trust that will commit themselves to checking in on you at the same time each week or day to make sure you've done your exercise, then you've found yourself a great tool. Better yet, if that person will drive to your house, knock on your door, knock DOWN your door, drag your butt out, and do it WITH you, then you have a best friend who loves you for sure. I hope you find this.

There are other obstacles, some of which I think we put in front of ourselves.We need to check ourselves and make sure the illness isn't running our lives or becoming a crutch. It can be life changing, but it can't be all there is about you! If it has become all you think about, maybe it has become something more.  Interestingly enough I googled the symptoms of depression and wanted to share just a couple of those with you too:

1. Fatigue and decreased energy
2 Persistent aches, pains, headaches, cramps, digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

There were at least 8 other symptoms of depression that mimic chronic illness. Imagine having to deal with an illness and depression on top of that, and yet many people do. I know it hit me pretty hard, and it was a hard climb back out. Some people have depression in the midst of chronic illness and do not realize it. It can really hinder the progress that could be made physically because mentally you're just not in sync, mind and body. Nearly every site I visit for every disease I've ever researched says the same thing: Exercise is essential for managing depression, anxiety, stress, and healing. HOWEVER, what sick and frustrated people do not need to hear from perfectly healthy people is this: "you'd feel better if you'd just get out and exercise". Not that simple. Hence, the reason I am taking this on like a bull. No, YOU would feel better if I would make YOU feel better about ME feeling lousy. As if we aren't doing enough to help ourselves or they have the magic answer. TIP: Don't tell people WHAT to do. Show them HOW. Use your weakness to help someone else become strong. Use it to find your own strength. Everything can be used for a good purpose if we dig deep and look beyond what it seems. Why would you want to exercise when you're sick? Because it seems impossible. And you can do it because you're still here. Isn't that a good enough reason?

Some chronic illnesses I studied, such as multiple sclerosis, have special circumstances with exercise for different reasons, depending on the symptoms presenting. One thing I think would be frustrating is the fact that the symptoms can flare up as your body temperature increases. Well, what is supposed to happen when you exercise? Years ago they used to warn against exercise with MS, but it has now been disproven, and exercise is highly recommended for people with MS, particularly women. My friend Angela can correct me, as only she knows this firsthand, but what is recommended is swimming, light walking, light stretching, and easy weights. All done in air conditioning with frequent stops for cold drinks. Also recommended is lots of rest, relaxation, massages, music, deep breathing, hobbies, friends, and support. That is the opinion of the Mayo Clinic and certain blogs. What do you think, Angela?

Angela thinks this blog post is too long. :) I agree. But I have enjoyed this subject and believe it or not I have more to say! More to learn and more to share. I hope you will share too.

Fit for the Sick

I've been thinking a lot about limitations these past few months. Not just my own from being weak from sickness, but the limitations others face as well. I think when you go through something difficult, you hopefully think of others and especially those that may struggle more than you. 

I see a lot of fitness commercials, posts on Facebook, pins on Pinterest, all referencing strength and "getting it done". All of course with pictures of perfectly toned, muscular, sculpted bodies. Obviously, they "got it done", right? 

But what if physically your body doesn't move that way? Not by choice but by some circumstance or condition you can't control? What if your mind wants something your body can't give you? What can you do to give your body the exercise and level of fitness it needs to stay healthy? 

I learned very quickly that medication side effects can be very devastating to my body. I found out that because of a long winter I was also vitamin D deficient. Combined with the turmoil of a scary unknown diagnosis, my body began to betray me! Mind and body began to fight. I needed to move to relieve stress, but fatigue is so strong that moving can be dizzying! It's one of those catch-22's.  Anyone with a bad knee, hip, joint, etc.., knows how this goes down. One day you're going strong, then you're down for 6 weeks straight. 

So how do you find a way to move and get into some kind of specialized fitness routine when your body isn't cooperative? 

Good question, and one I intend to research, because I'm tired of the cookie cutter workouts for the physically fit. I'm tired of the "sweatin' to the oldies"- type stuff. I'm not 23. I'm not 63. I don't want a gym membership. I want to work out for free at home! I don't need a group. I don't need a trend. I simply need to tailor a plan for a body that doesn't fit the mold. It doesn't stay well. It doesn't do "every Tuesday at 7", and it may only be good for 1day a week if I'm lucky right now.  I would love to be able to share with others who find this to be their reality. Not to commiserate, but to share success stories and help each other get past the obstacles, just like every other fitness group! 

And I don't need to feel guilty about not working out or be told I'm "making excuses". That's what got me thinking that people with chronic conditions need special types of workout plans. We don't fit that mold! My friends with fibromyalgia tell me that they have widespread pain that can make it unbearable to do any physical activity. How then would they stay busy enough to keep the mind from becoming depressed? I guess it's no mystery why depression and fibro go hand in hand. That is so sad to me. 

My father in law has MS, but is able to do more than most men his age! It's amazing to see. His gait is pretty wobbly, but he's walking, and he's still handling a chain saw. The day he puts that away, it will be over, I'm sure. He is an inspiration.

I've found a few things I can do right from my chair with my hand weights. I can also do lunges until it bothers my bum knee. Forget cardio for now. The fatigue is ridiculous, but I do take small walks. I am nowhere near my past workouts and I am carrying more weight than I want to be. I felt pretty good though at my last EEG. The  tech complimented me and told me she wouldn't classify me as overweight at all. Sometimes flattery is good. I'll take it. 

I eat pretty healthy, but I'm not going all crazy with that either. I prefer the taste of healthy and homemade food over junk because of the way I was raised, so that helps. I've never ever eaten hamburger helper! Ever! :) but nonetheless, I do need to eat better and move more. 

I will be thinking about and praying about some fitness ideas for the chronically ill. Maybe it's a matter of doing doing some research and seeing what's already out there. I would love to get us moving physically, positively, and in a spiritually supportive way.  It's bad enough to have your body start to betray you, but when the mind begins to follow, then anxiety, depression, and loneliness, it's just too much for one person to bear. 

It's clear there isn't just one path to fitness. Everyone is different for sure. I don't get many commenters here, but I would love to hear what you think if you happen to stop by and care to share. 

 

The Nest

It's a glorious morning here in Michigan. The air is cool, the crickets are still chirping a bit, the sun is just starting to peek a bit at the tops of the trees,and the birds are fighting for space in the nest on the front porch...what?

I've been watching these birds build a nest very close to the front door for the past few months. In the past I've discouraged them by repeatedly opening the door or sitting outside, but this year, being ill for so long, they snuck past me and built a mansion just inches from the door. Stinkers. So not only have we not been using our front door, but I can't even take pictures of it because it's too close to the only window that it faces. I've been sneaking peeks out of the top of the front door glass, however, and though it seems like it took forever, there are finally young ones popping their fuzzy bodies out of the nest!

This morning I peeked out there and laughed as I saw them seemingly fighting for space, just like teenagers would on a sofa! I said aloud as I watched mama and papa bird exhausting themselves flying back and forth with food, "when are you going to give them the boot?" As if it's that easy!

Found these little guys wandering around the yard one day. They peeped their little hearts out until mama and papa rescued them. Guess they weren't as independent as they thought...

Natalie recently started dating. She's a pretty trustworthy kid with a good head on her shoulders. As her dating days approached, she started to talk up her game a bit. We had been talking a lot about maturity and responsibility, expectations, respect, etc...She found out we weren't messing around when we said if you come in the door late you'll be grounded. Yes, even if you're in the driveway. You must be in the house. It's hard to let them fly until you can trust their wings to do what you've taught them to do. The only way to really build trust with wings is to continue to use them properly and with respect. Otherwise, you tend to get hurt.

Recently she had an opportunity to go on another date. She was hedging just a bit. I wasn't sure why. Without infringing on her fragile privacy, I will just say that all of the sudden I saw myself at 16. One foot in the door and one foot out. Wanting so much to be free to explore what's out there on my own, and wanting the freedom and safety of what's at home too. She ended up staying home and inviting her boyfriend to stay here for a cookout. Good compromise. She's taking her time jumping out of that nest.

That nest was bulging with birds this morning, and I'm not quite sure how they all fit in there. In fact, I keep checking to make sure none of them fell out. I suppose mama bird can mother her birds better than any human and so I don't put a pillow under there. If birds could scoff....but I do wonder when they'll leave so I can finally sit on my peaceful front porch again and invite our guests to use the front door again.

Natalie went out on a date Friday night. Dinner and a movie. No hedging this time. I wouldn't say she jumped. She simply took a step. She had a really nice time, and came home on time. We may just be able to handle this parenting thing after all. Time will tell. It is awfully hard for this mama bird to stay up while waiting for her to fly home.....

Our Resort

Who needs a vacation spot when you live in a resort? We've always called our little spot of heaven "Rogers Resort", and as we've lived here and developed the property over the past 8-9 years, it's slowly feeling more resort-ish to us. We carved a spot in the woods basically, and when you do that, it takes time to build your soil, the slope of the yard, the shape of the trees you saved, and try to cover the mistakes you made in the beginning! It's a lot of work to build a home and put new roots down, hoping it's your forever place. It's terrifying to watch the receipts come in, watch the builders quit, the costs go up due to hurricanes, the wrong trusses show up, the jury duty letters come in the mail right when it's time for me to get all the painting done! So many obstacles! Trying to convince yourself it was the right decision...some days a resounding yes and some days no, depends on the latest crisis! 

But today I'm in my hammock, enjoying what I hope is Gods blessing. Our resort-the family we have created here, the memories we have made and will continue to make, and the peace being surrounded by nature each day has brought to each of us. 

A nice bit of rest under the maples we saved. One of my favorite trees. 

Our picnic area  where many family gatherings and friends have come to toast marshmallows and tell stories. 

The many trails where we've all walked in all seasons, sometimes for fun, and sometimes when we need to work something out. 

A blessing! Someone helped us attain this pool after our 15 year old dog passed away. Now it serves as a gathering spot for anyone who wants to relax, have some fun, or cool off. We love to share our pool, but most don't take us up on it. 

The view from the hammock! Love my canopy of trees. We are surrounded by them. All varieties, and I love them all. 

No resort would be complete without the resident watchdog! She may be cute and fluffy, but she is protective of her family! 

We may not travel the world, own a lot of "toys" or dine at the finest places, but we really feel blessed to be here each day enjoying what we have, living life to the fullest. 

Meeting Sir Norm

After yesterday's early morning post, I received an inspiring comment from fellow blogger Sir Norm. I hesitate to just call him a fellow blogger, as I feel anyone who invests time and prayer and wisdom in another person is really a friend. A friend in Christ, particularly, as his spiritual guidance and knowledge have been very helpful to me these past few months. More than helpful. From seeking out the right place of worship to forgiving my enemies, to prayers of healing, Sir Norm has imparted counsel and Biblical backup to me, a stranger in the states. A nobody to him. He, a gentleman in Canada, who like me, loves The Lord and his family and helping others. It's all we have in common as far as I can tell. We are a couple decades apart, I think. Hence, the wisdom. 

I don't know how he found my blog, but he took an interest in it and that's a miracle in itself. I'm just an ordinary person with an ordinary life. But one thing I do is pray regularly for people to come into my life to guide me and i have often been disappointed! I've had mentors who mentored sort of....and then "finished the book" and moved on. But invested? I've had one-ish. I've always been the one suggesting mentor programs every time suggestions were asked for! I've hinted...shamelessly plugged...I've seen other people do it...hmmmm..,God just didn't see fit to provide me with one, so I waited and waited. Oh, be one? I am one already. They tell me. 

Don't get me wrong. I have good strong Christian friends. But not everyone is meant to teach or mentor and that's okay. I'm not an all-in-one friend either!  Whether a mentor in the true sense of the word or not, Sir Norm's words have been shared around the dinner table, printed out and hung for us to see, and truly thought about throughout our week. I read his blog, share the knowledge and perspective with my family, and honestly it has changed the way I think. You are doing what you set out to do, Sir Norm. 

Sir Norm called me a "Trailblazer". The term may just have changed my perspective. I'm a very visual person and I suddenly pictured myself plundering through briars and poison ivy...alone. Yes, there are some things that we do in life that we are going to feel completely deserted, just like Jesus. His complete and eloquently written comment can be found on my blog post titled "missing George". I would encourage you to read it. It just might speak to you as well. 

Thank you, Sir Norm, for taking the time to not only read my thoughts, but to share your wisdom with me in hopes that I will learn and grow from it. Your blog speaks from the heart of Christ in that you want to see others grow in Him and live the best life for Him. God bless you in your ministry, friend. 

A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. 

Proverbs 25:11

Missing George

Awake too early...I think since 3....headache....thought my medicine covered that...apparently not. 

Stinkin' thinkin' goin' on...ugh. Guess we know who and what that's all about. 

I gotta say I have to agree with some of it because the proof is pretty clear. However, I have to choose to focus elsewhere. Do I focus on the people in my life who left when I needed them most or the ones who walked in and stayed when I needed them most? The latter. 

Do I focus on the gawkers who merely observe my life and say nothing or the ones who tune in and actually reach in and take the time to say something to me now and then? Definitely the reachers. God would approve of them. 

Is it pity I need? No, I need what everyone else seems to need and seems to get when they are struggling and feeling as I do. I have been there for people when they were hurting. I took flowers. I sent cards. I prayed. I called. I delivered donuts. Why should I feel alone? 

It brings me back to my buddy George. He was an older man, a customer we loved from the office way back from my working days. Spoke so quickly I had to concentrate to keep up with him! He took a special interest in me, a young girl at the time. He always  brought me some sort of fruit or treat, told me cute jokes and was the sweetest man to his dear wife Theresa, also a sweetheart. When she passed, he actually left her ashes with me to have some special labels made for the containers...long story, the point being, this man trusted me. He was what I would call a pure heart. They were never able to have children, and their money was all set to go to charity when he passed. He was a top exec at GM back in the day, as he put it, so he was pretty comfortable. As his health failed, he became increasingly tired and unable to do the things around his home that he used to do. All the people that he had always helped were suddenly nowhere in sight. I always wondered why. He would never allow himself to complain too much, but every now and then, I could see the hurt and confusion. Years later after I left the office and George moved in with his sister, we tried to keep in touch through Christmas cards. His sister, thinking we were after his money, would not give us information about his health and whereabouts when he became ill. He eventually passed away, but without people like us knowing. I hope George wasn't sitting around wondering where I was all that time he was sick. I guess now he would know and understands. 

But I know certain people have email and text and other means of communication and just don't bother. Question is, how can I not let it bother/hurt me? 

Crazy People

Oh, I need to get healthy and back to my normal busy, full life again. 

If not for the obvious reasons, then for the purpose of getting me off the internet! 

I've taken to making the BIG mistake if reading the ridiculously ignorant comments on posts about politics and food choices, celebrities, etc... 

Nothing personal or about anyone I know, of course! I think strangers must be bored, strange, sick people too. Man, I need to get well! 

Some new product was being launched in a certain store and it was quite obviously classified as a munchie type food. You would have thought it was poison the way people were reacting! Seriously, people. Just don't eat it. So simple! If you don't like the politician, don't vote for it. Stop insulting it and calling it vile names that have nothing to do with anything pertinent! And oh my goodness, did you really just try to sell black market prescription drugs on that comment? That's insane!! On a legit post too! 

If you don't like the music, don't listen to it. If you don't like the show, don't watch it. If you don't like the post, hide it. If you are tired of the posts, unfollow them. There are perfectly fine and acceptable ways to stick your pretty head in the sand about some of these nonsense things that don't matter. Just don't let them get your knickers all up in a jam over it! 

Keep your peace and don't blame  fast food restaurants because you're a chubba wubba. You're a chubba because of your hand to mouth issue. Don't blame just one person for the ills of the nation. Chances are there are many places to place blame, we just like to pick the obvious ones! And we like bandwagons. Way too much. Sometimes we need to think for ourselves and stop letting others think for us or letting groups influence us. What do YOU really think? 

And do I really care what weirdos think? I have to admit, I may use this info for writing inspiration from time to time. Mostly I just come away with a "huh" look on my face and a need for fresh air and time with normal people with healthy minds! 

There is no shortage of ignorance and some people behind a screen just love to carry on and complain about everything. Steve says his sports blogs are much the same! I guess anonymity is power to some. 

While I wait for my good health to return, I will resist the urge to read what I can predict to be unnecessary comments to certain posts on Facebook. Maybe I should just unfollow certain sites altogether and avoid the temptation! After all, my mind and heart deserves better and if it's not a beautiful thing to see or hear, then I don't need it! 

Be blessed and I hope you see some beautiful things today. 

Ants and Me

Storms are moving through our area today, bringing much-needed rain to our garden and pumpkin patch. Every now and then the sun comes out. I'm thankful for the rain so we can depend on the growth in the garden, and I'm glad the sun is peeking out once in awhile so it's not quite so dreary looking out there. 

That pretty much describes my life these past few months! Maybe it describes yours. Isn't life just one big metaphor anyway? I love metaphors. 

I was out sweeping the patio and noticed I was suddenly getting bites on my feet. I looked down and saw thousands of ants going in thousands of different directions. Some of them over my shoes! I wasn't sure what to do, so I poured a little vinegar on them. Immediately hundreds of gross white eggs started floating on the patio surface and ants were scurrying everywhere. I stopped for a moment as I watched them. Is this actually guilt I'm feeling? Really? They were desperately trying to save their colony, the one I was trying to destroy in my patio! They were trying to persevere against the giant green shoes, and I was trying to persevere too! It was then that I realized it. I watch too many Disney movies. 

These ants have been wrecking my yard and my plants and patio for years, but if I could take one thing from them it's this: they don't quit trying. They really do have "high hopes" as the song goes! 

I didn't react that well when the vinegar treatment got poured on me these past few months. I was a little bit like the ants who immediately scurried to carry the eggs off. I wanted to take care of everyone else first, and I didn't have the energy to do it. I went in all different directions too, not certain of which way to go. I sure didn't have high hopes at first. 

As humans we get compared to ants as far as our size perspective to God or from space. I sometimes wonder how He sees  us scrambling in our trials and vinegar. How hard it must be for Him to see us struggling, not leaning on Him for help as we should. I do feel guilty for that. As more vinegar gets poured on me, I hope I will learn to see it as an opportunity to get closer to Him and stop seeing it as punishment. I know I'm not being punished, but I feel that way. So hard to explain. Bet you didn't know all the uses of  vinegar, did you? 

And maybe you just might want to watch that Disney movie, Antz again? 

I really am trying to find the humor. Really. 

Oh Well

After being sick with a "bug" ( I guess) since June 6th, I finally had a good day on Father's Day. I still took it a little easy, but I didn't have to sleep or sit in a chair all day. I was able to help with the preparations for the day and even felt like "myself", a someone I haven't known in months. 

Now today I'm a bit down again. It's just how this seems to go.  Yesterday I was sweeping the patio and moving furniture around outside. Today I've barely left the couch. It's just unpredictable. I wish this medication would decide to either make itself comfortable or take an obvious hike. I don't have any more time or patience left for the waste of life this is causing. 

I know I'm a broken record. I think my frustration tank is overflowing and my happy cup is tired of the few drops! I am fighting depression on a daily basis without medication which is like being in the ring with a ticked off moose and a blindfold on. Then there is the anxiety... Oh how fun. Where did all that come from? 

And all kinds a stuff is breaking in the house and the cars and I have two teens and Steve will have to start traveling for business and I still can't drive and I have way too much on my mind and the kids bring me problems I can't fix and and and and and.........there is no period to my sentences....

Ever. 

Exhausted. 

Need normal now. 

It's not coming. 

And so I continue to wait. 

And try not to be frustrated. I've prayed. Reasoned. Counted blessings. Tried to stay positive. And here I remain. 

Some things just are what they are until they aren't anymore and that's all there is to it. 

Feeling like Job

So...the whole "get back to what you love" advice from the doc hasn't panned out well so far.  

I suppose getting that flu bug last Friday wasn't helpful, and it has left me feeling more tired than usual. My body can't seem to handle very much abuse right now. I don't like feeling this fragile. 

I was really looking forward to going on walks with my family after dinner, but I am pretty fatigued by that time. In fact, I fight to stay awake all day. It's not pretty. Life is not very enjoyable right now. 

It's a waiting game and quite frankly, I'm waited out. I don't know the purpose for this, I'm quite annoyed by it, I want my life back, my kids need their mother, my husband needs his wife, and this stinks. There I said it. It's time for this to move on. My life has been on hold long enough while bad people go on with energy to do bad things and I sit waiting to feel well so I can do good things. No, life isn't fair, and some days that is really crystal clearer than others. 

I'm sorry if my attitude makes you uncomfortable or gives you the idea that I don't appreciate my blessings. The truth is some days are just Eeyore days. Some days I am downhearted and distraught and ready to quit! I get tired of trying to stay up only to be beat down again. 

It is harder and harder to see what God could possibly be doing when even my spirit feels quite messy and not at peace. Sorry to be a spiritual downer today. I love God and I believe he will deliver me. I just feel more like Job today than I'd like. 

Poo poo vacations

The flu crud is finally over! I'm so glad, now I can go back to just being tired for no reason again! 

I hope you don't think my blog is just for my health predicament. I talk about lots of things here. Some things you may like, agree with, and some things you may not. It's what I like to call freedom! Mine and yours. Hopefully we can still like each other though... A challenge for some, I know! (Smile) 

I have to wonder if any cottage weekends will actually happen this year as many of our weekends are already spoken for. Last year we had the surgery, which dominated all summer. This year it is graduations and parties, sprinkled all summer. Sigh. It's not that we don't want to be a part of these wonderful things. It's just this-our kids will be leaving home (feels like sooner than later) and we have spent the last few years fighting, clawing, scraping for time together in the summer. We have been desperate for some time, I'll just say that without dipping in the bucket.  

Is it so wrong to want to selfishly guard some family time with my husband and girls? It's that time that I will regret missing. It's those faces I'm tired of letting down. Funny thing...we're not trying to take a "real vacation"! In fact, we haven't had one in 6 years! We just want to go to the family cottage! We're not even being unreasonable. 

Sometimes I just feel we're being attacked...disarmed...by the one who wants to tear me down. And what better way than to try to ruin every summer? 

So again, 6 years later, another attempt will be made to enjoy some family time. Don't be surprised if you drive by and see us sleeping in a tent in our back yard. 3 years ago our camper was completely destroyed. Shocker huh? 

But because I have such a positive attitude (ahem) and can see how it has all worked out (ahem), I will just keep Charlie Browning on. Wish us luck. 

It's Not About Me?

I opened my big mouth about 6 good days...and I got the flu! Aaargh, as my pal Charlie would say, as the football is pulled away!!

So, I'm trying to recover from that, but I did make it to Serena's 8th grade graduation today, so not all was lost. 

I'm a little sick of being sick, tired of being tired, but I've got to believe this is all temporary....right? 

Dear hubby hit it on the head the other night as I got close to maybe sounding a bit sorry for myself. He said, maybe this isn't about you at all. Maybe you're going through it for someone else. Simple as that. No long explanation. No long discussion. Nail on head. 

Our trials may refine us, but maybe they're not always for us. Since it's not all about us in the first place. Sigh. 

I guess I have nothing more to say then, right? At least not for tonight. I'm going to let that one marinate. 

Lessons

Things are going pretty well since my trip to Ann Arbor. In fact, things have been going pretty well for 6 days and yes, I'm counting. 

I learned a few things when I was down. 

-people will surprise you. Sometimes in good ways. Sometimes in not so good ways. Forgiving the latter saves you time and misery later, and it doesn't matter either way to them anyway. 

-God really does hand-pick the people He wants in your life and it may surprise you to see who it is and who it is not. Don't overlook those who take the time to let you know they care. Maybe they are the ones you should be investing more of your time in. 

-when everything is going bad and you feel rotten and nothing seems to help, people can't fix that. Only God can. But you have to let him help. 

-you really are stronger than you think you are, but it is okay to need to lean on others for strength now and then. Leaning on God in times of weakness brings us closer to Him. Praising Him in times of strength makes us more like him. 

-even in the midst of turmoil, you must help others! Even if all you have to give is love, advice, comfort, words, then that's what you give. If it's not enough for them, they don't belong in your life anymore. It's not true that you can't give away what you don't have! Give away what you need and it will come back to you!! 

-family is not always who you are related to. It's who treats you as though your presence matters in their life. It doesn't matter where your love comes from as long as you have some. 

-focusing on troubles and pain brings more troubles and pain. It is immensely hard and it feels impossible to stay positive when you feel horrible and depressed. Some days you just feel bad. I now believe those days are to build compassion and empathy for others! If you never know pain, you never know how to soothe. I now know more than I did before, so my pain was meant for something good. 

I learned many things. I will continue to learn. Those are just a few of my lessons so far. The biggest one is that even though God was quiet at times, He was still working in me. I just needed to be more still. More quiet. More calm. Have more faith. I'm still a bit stormy at times, but it's just the way I'm wired and no one knows how to calm me better than the One who made me. 

Superman and Me

March 12th was a turning point not only in my life but in my marriage. As I sat on the phone with Steve as he raced home to me, lots of scary thoughts were swirling through my head...am I having a stroke? Aneurysm? Is this "it"? I tried to remain calm as he stayed on the line with me, and his voice reassured me. "I'm almost there. You still ok baby? What's Angel doing? Is she sitting with you?" And on and on he talked, keeping me conversing until I settled down. What a drive that must have been! 

By the time he got here I was okay. It's not the first time he's had to take care of me. He's been taking care of me before we were even married. He dated me sick. He proposed to me sick. He married me sick. He knew what he was getting. So did I. A wonderful man who has loved me the way Christ wants him to love me. Is there a better love than this? It is only second to the love God has for me.  This is the love God chose for me. It is blessed. 

While he has always been selfless in his love for me, this time was different. This time I truly felt helpless. I couldn't drive, shop, cook, or do many of the things I was used to doing for the household. Suddenly he found himself doing his own stressful job, plus being a full time dad and husband, chauffeur, cook, grocery shopper, you name it. And did he complain? Not once. Not a peep! And that man had to buy a lot of crazy girl stuff! I have been through a lot of crazy medical stuff. He has not had it easy. He finished a crazy day at work, sometimes getting out later than planned, then stopped for groceries, then came home, sometimes having to either cook or run the girls somewhere. And work never ends at his desk. His work follows him home. And sometimes I had to follow him to work...though I didn't want to! Poor guy was pulled in more directions than a rubber band! 

He didn't want a pat on the back, nor a medal or accolades. When I told him he was my superman, he'd just say, "you'd do the same for me". Yes, I would. But I doubt my spirit would do it as sweetly as his! 

He sat through every doctor appointment, helping me voice when I just couldn't make sense. He fought for me, advocated for me, protected me, and kept me comforted and positive the best he could. I'm sure it took every bit of energy he had. At the time I was so focused on trying to get better I probably didn't think about it. I'm thinking now. 

He brought me clothes, lotions, candy, my favorite books, iTunes cards, movies, classic tv shows on DVD, flowers, just any surprise he could think of to lift me up. At night he would put his hands on me and pray. He would text me in the morning and ask if I felt his prayers yet. He kept the house picked up and the girls in line, and tried to keep as much stress from me as he could. 

How can I thank him for this love? To continue to be the wife he is glad to come home to each day. The one who doesn't nag him! The one who encourages him, helps him, prays for him, helps lessen his load a bit. The one who has his back always. The one who laughs with and at him when he says in his best Buddy the Elf voice, "that's it. You're my best friend." 

He is my best friend. Always. Together we can conquer anything. God has been so good to us in giving us to each other. 

He just keeps showing us every day how much we need each other and giving us the strength to continue to meet those needs. We are stronger and closer than ever having gone through these lady few rough months. I am grateful for this challenge if all I got to see was how much my husband cherishes me and our family. (Even though I already knew)

Good always comes from our hard times and blessings follow trials. I choose to see the joy in my marriage and the love that has grown between my best friend, Superman and me. 

U of M Appointment

I wasn't sure what I thought of the doc as he led me into exam room 3 this afternoon at U of M Neurology.  He was quiet, unassuming, and he made me feel a little unsure. He just kinda looked at me, looked down at his papers, and said, so....you've been having some headaches and visual disturbances. 

Then silence.......mine. I looked at his cool medical bag with the gold SEC engraved initials and thought, "that's a big bag." Yup. Nothing. I got nervous. I looked back, stammered, and realized somehow my brain and tongue were useless. 

Thankfully he forgot some of my papers and had to go back and get them, because it gave me time to loud whisper at Steve. "He's making me nervous! I don't know what to say! Why won't he ask me questions?" I wrung my hands a little and the doc kinda waddled back in. Yes, I said waddled. By the way, I saw my weight today. I was waddling too! :) 

Okay, I pulled it together and then I really got going. I'm sure he started wishing he had planned some questions because he suddenly stopped me and said, "let's get you focused." He was right! I was talking a million miles an hour left and right and in the ditch and ended it with, "that's why I'm here". 

I had lost focus because nearly every doctor I've ever seen had a different diagnosis, different medication, different theory, different approach, and all of them left me sicker than before. 

Suddenly this quiet unassuming doctor changed and became concerned, soft spoken, and insightful. He's not a forceful, commanding, aggressive doctor, but as he listened I could feel his confidence and his skill. He began to deal with not only the physical aspect of what may be going on, but the emotional toll as well. And while he spoke to me he looked me straight in the eyes.  He would have sat there and listened as long as I needed him to. He talked to me about non-neurology topics and treated the whole person, because that's what I am! I'm not just a brain! So many specialists stick to their specialty and forget to connect the dots! 

He told me to call anytime and he would go over anything with me. Most importantly he told me to go live my life the way I want to! He said exercise! Walk your dog! Have fun with your girls! Swim in your pool! Don't limit yourself! And as soon as I feel stabilized on the drug I am on, I am free to drive! It could be another month, could be sooner! 

So what does he think diagnosis-wise? Well, the original EEG done locally was inconclusive and he wasn't comfortable using it, so we did another one today. I go back to see him in early August. Judging by my symptom pattern and MRI, he can't conclude for sure seizures or new migraine pattern, but his reassurance was that my medication will prevent both. If I can just hang on a bit longer and get used to the medication, then I should be able to live a normal life. If it is seizures, I don't lose consciousness, so that is really good! And if it is migraines, it means they are probably just changing pattern and it may be exacerbated by hormonal changes. So until I have the newest EEG evaluated, I'm just going on as normal and giving my body a bit more time to adjust to the medication. It has been a hard long road! 

Doc agreed that I had been having full blown anxiety and depression, which is common with chronic illness. Feeling like you can't contribute to your family, feeling limited, losing interest in the things you love, chronic fatigue, muscle tension, and the worst, not knowing what is wrong with you! Medications can make it worse and on my case, I was taking 4 medications that brought me down chemically.  This was not the fault of my docs, but just the way my body was reacting to the drugs at the time I was taking them. My docs are great. 

Again, thank you those who have held me up in thoughts and prayers. I am blessed to call you friends and family. And to my dear hubby....

You're getting your own post....

Where I Stand

Last week was pretty rough! But it's over. I started feeling better on Friday, better on Saturday, better today on Sunday. Let me tell you why...

I fell apart last Thursday and I won't waste time on that. I'm only bringing it up to make a point. God needed to get my attention. I was letting my fear and anxiety take over my mind and body. I was forgetting my Savior! I forgot what He had done for me already and I started believing the lies...

It was overwhelming! And awful! And it had to get that way for me to say, " wait a second! This isn't right! This isn't what God wants for me at all!" 

I began to stand and declare God's promises to me again. I wrote them down. I didn't just recite my Scripture. I believed it with a passion I hadn't stirred in a long time. I had to get my heart back in line with my head and get back under God's wing where I belonged! Let me tell you, when your body is sick and your mind is a fog storm, this is hard, but with The Holy Spirit in you? It will be done in time. And oh, it got done. 

It was Psalm 91:1 that spoke the loudest to me and gave me the visual I needed to really get what God wanted for me. 

"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed."

As long as I remain, abide, in Christ, I am living in complete trust in Him! I am in The shade of His protection, and as long as I stay there, He is covering me. If I step out on my own, I become anxious and miserable again. I need him!! Of course I can't do this without him. Why did I try? 

I tried to pray for myself, but then I tried to do. I didn't give it to Him. I thought I had to somehow struggle like I do when others come alongside to help too. I tried to row the boat with the anchor in the water and then cried because of the struggle... 

I focused everywhere but where God was pointing! I focused on my illness and not my life and I knew I was doing it and couldn't stop myself. I was upsetting myself over needless things and borrowing trouble and doing all the things Satan would compel any one of God's children to do in order to destroy them. 

And that's what did it! I knew I hadn't been spending enough time in the Word and really not spending time trusting God. I was letting my outward circumstances determine my outcome and forgetting everything I knew about God's plan. I let my pain and fear cloud my knowledge and faith. Fear began to beat my faith and fear was winning. That is beyond scary. We all know who uses fear and lies! 

I realized through some readings I was doing that I also don't need to be disappointed by people, even fellow Christians, who aren't reaching out to me right now. God says I don't need them. I spent a week feeling sorry for myself and God said, "you only need me!" He was right. I found another Scripture (in Isaiah?) about not sharing your affliction with anyone at all, but suffering alone and waiting on God. Well, I'm not alone. But, okay, if he says so. But I'm glad I have support!  I plan to return it every day of my life! But that was another lie I was told all week-"see, not that many people really even care about you!" Like I said, rough week! 

John 10:10

The thief comes only to kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. 

Psalm 107:2

Let the redeemed of The Lord say so, whom he has delivered from the hand of the adversary. 

The Creator of the Universe. The Most High. He scooped me up this week, out of the muck I was in, put me on a solid rock, gave me a hug, and said simply, 

I will never leave you. 

I will never forsake you. 

Hebrews 13:5

And that's where I'm going to stand from now on. Praise God.