Tears

I spent the day preparing my oldest daughter for what I felt was a possibility-a breakup. And sure enough, that's what happened. Her first real breakup, and I think my heart was breaking right alongside hers. 

It brought back my own painful teenage break ups, one in particular that was particularly hard to shake. 

I told her the story of how I pleaded with God to just let me have the man I loved! Bring him back to me!  I bargained and promised and prayed...and God said a resounding NO!! 

How do I know this? Because for some weird reason I kept missing all of his calls and he missed mine. (Before cells, caller ID, and even machines!) Every attempt to be where he was fell apart for some strange reason. At the time I just couldn't explain it. As I learned more about God, I began to understand that it was His answer. He was saying, "he is not the one I have set apart for you, no not even to date! No, I do not want you in his company. He is not good for you. He is not honorable or faithful and not who I want for you!" He said "no". 

I got the man I loved. It's just not the man I thought it would be! Had I done things in my own flesh...oh boy, what a mess that would have been!  Now, obviously my daughter is not looking for a husband, but dating is practice. Maybe this was also a "no", as maybe the relationship was not what God wants for her right now. 

It still hurts, and so daddy walked through the door with a big teddy bear and some flowers, and spent some time talking with her. One of her youth staff stopped by with a care package and some hugs to lift her spirits as well. Her sister and I sat with her all afternoon, resisting the urge to maim the offending boy!  More importantly reminding her of how valuable she is to us. 

Bottom line is-we are raising a great girl with high standards and high morals. We are raising her to honor herself and respect herself. She has done that. She now asks where are the boys who are being raised the same? Good question. Where are they? God knows and is preparing him as we speak. It might just take awhile. It is truly hard to raise good girls in a hard world with a lot of loose morals and standards. 

If our sweet girl crosses your mind, please lift her up in prayer.  Thank you...

How Big is Your Brave?

We finally got a nice sunny day, so I made the girls and I a nice lunch and we at it on the deck yesterday. That might seem pretty boring to some, but making lunch and being able to move was a big step for me. My back is finally loosening up after 8 days. I'm pretty sure I either strained or sprained a ligament, which was pretty painful, but hey, it didn't destroy me.

So, I had my ipod music going and the song, "Brave" by Sara Bareilles came on. We were sitting there kind of visiting, singing, and humming a bit, when Serena said, "hey mom, how big is your brave?"
Without thinking, I made my fingers into a tiny pinch which eventually grew into a big sweeping motion, and finally ended with my finger pointing to the sky. "That's how big my "brave" is," I said. "God is my brave. I'm not brave at all without Him."

She smiled and we went on visiting, singing, and humming...

How big is your brave?

"Lend Me Your Hope"

I'm re-reading a book that has helped me time and time again when I've struggled in my faith. It's kind of a "reset" button for me in some ways. It's practical, even beginning with a chapter titled, "Who are you?" It's a book called Victory Over Darkness, by Neil T. Anderson (1990). I picked it up as I do most of my Christian books-at some kind of garage sale or book sale.

What caught my attention at the beginning was this poem, authored by some famous person by the name of "Anonymous" (just love those fame-crazy people!)

Lend me your hope for awhile,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily,
pain and confusion are my companions.
I know not where to turn;
looking ahead to future times does not bring forth
images of renewed hope.
I see troubled times, pain-filled days, and more tragedy.

Lend me your hope for awhile,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Hold my hand and hug me;
listen to all my ramblings, recovery seems so distant.
The road to healing seems like a long and lonely one.

Lend me your hope for awhile,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Stand my me, offer me your presence, your heart, and your love.
Acknowledge my pain, it is so real and ever present.
I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.

Lend me your hope for awhile;
a time will come when I will heal,
and I will share my renewal, hope and love with others.

That's pretty powerful stuff to me, as I've felt all of those things these past few months. As humans we all feel these things at one time or another, as life can hand out some pretty sad and scary situations. We ask for God's hope, his peace, and his comfort while we wait for whatever it is we need to be "okay", when in fact, "okay" might not happen for a long time. What then? We need that hope forever.

That hope first comes from God, but it also needs to come from others. I have found that secondary hope in people. While we are in church transition, obviously we don't have church family support. That is really hard. But I do have a friend from our old  church who has emailed me a few times a week, prayed fervently for me, and cares for me very much. I have held on to her hope. She is suffering from illness too and needs my hope. So I pray for her, email her, give her my hope for her healing. God provides. While I lost the friend I never thought would desert me in this time and has always been there for me, he brought me a friend who has not left my side. She has also lost a dear friend she never thought would leave her, and I give a nod to God, because he has a way of working these things out for our good. I also give thanks for my online support I have found (or perhaps found me) through my blog. To have met 2 wonderfully supportive and wise Christians, Sir Norm and Angela, was also a gift from God, who knew my thoughts needed a response and those responses have given me such hope. Those prayers have lifted me on my darkest days and brought joy to my heart. Hope to a broken heart and a wavering faith at times. Did I ever mention how I met Angela? I might save that for another special post! With a special photo!

My parents and my husband continue to lend me hope, as they continue to reassure me, "You will get better, just hang in there." It came in the way of a mom picking up her son the other day who said to me, "Of course you will enjoy your grandchildren one day. You'll get past this." She has no idea what I've really been going through, and gave me that hope to hold onto. Hope comes in knowing others are struggling with bigger things than me. That even though this seems like a mountain, it could be a hill to someone else. This might be a rough valley, but things could be worse. I could be a single mom, I could have lost a job, I could have little ones, and on and on. Instead I have a wonderful husband who is a great provider and I have a beautiful home and a peaceful place to recover. Some people don't have that. Some people have no hope at all. Yes, this is my struggle, and it will have an end, and the only antidote right now is hope.

H   old
O   n
P   ain
E   nds

Thank you God for lending me your HOPE. Thank you friends I mentioned and did not mention for lending me your hope. And as the last sentence of the poem says,

" a time will come when I will heal, and I will share my renewal, hope, and love with others."

"You're So Pretty"

I was feeling a wee bit better (I am a little Irish, you know) today, so I got myself around a bit. I thought maybe dear Hubby might be tired of looking at my big blank bland eyes, my stringy hair, and my muppet tee shirt wardrobe these days. I would actually be a bit wrong about that, as every day, he manages to make me blush when he will suddenly say, "you're so pretty". Isn't that a husband's job? To make his wife feel beautiful on her very worst days?? Yes. And mine is doing a wonderful job of making me feel good while I don't feel very good. Does that make sense? Oh, it doesn't really have to make sense, I suppose.

As I was drying my hair and wondering just what I'm going to wear this fall, as my clothes are all too small, I got to thinking about what is important. If you were reading my posts a few years ago, I was always talking about my weight and fitness and what a struggle it was, and how much weight I could lose and how I did it and wow, I kept it off this time....and yawn and yawn and yawn. I see it that way now because it is so unimportant to me now! I can't believe how much of my self esteem I allowed to be tied into the size of my jeans and the amount of wiggle in my arms. What was I worried about? Who was I comparing myself to and why was I doing that? What if all that energy could have been spent on learning to accept myself instead, like my husband does? Wow. I should put in a little disclaimer here and say that I am not obese, morbidly obese, or even close. My kids think I have body dysmorphic disorder. I will admit that I am not that much overweight, and I do think weight loss is important for those who need it for health reasons! I applaud those who are losing weight. This post applies to me and me alone.

Truth is, I'm not a skinny girl like I was until I was about 32. So what? This girl had 2 babies, a husband with cancer, and a whole lot of way more important things in life to worry about than the size of her body. And my life is still like that. I have a feeling it will always be like that. So where was I going with this post...

Oh yes, my health. Always comes back to that, doesn't it? I think having serious health concerns has really put things in perspective as far as my external appearance goes. When you don't feel well emotionally, physically, mentally, you really don't care so much how you look! If anything it has put me in touch more with the fact that I don't have to care so much. I have to put so much focus on just getting well and staying well and doing what I need to do for my family, that I don't worry about my physical appearance. I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed of my weight. I don't care what people think. I'm not worried about it anymore. Maybe it's survival mode? I'm more worried about having a panic attack in public! Or a seizure while driving. Well, I'm not going to really worry about that because it's not going to happen. So there.

Which brings me to another part of it. Spirituality. When you're not caught up in changing on the outside but you are trying to work on the inside, it's amazing how much you can hear spiritually. I'm sure God would be happy with me being physically strong and at an ideal weight, but I'm listening to him just fine while I'm unable to work out too. So, He'll use me where I am, and I now know to keep things in a better balance. I've been on both ends, I suppose. I've been on a high and I've been on a low, and I can say that God is more evident in the lows. When we think we have it all, we tend to forget His divine role in all of it.

"You're so pretty". These are the words I look forward to hearing. Spoken from the sweet heart of my husband who knows what my heart needs to hear to keep it going sometimes. Once in awhile I will say back, "Oh, I look terrible." And he says, "You're always beautiful to me."

That's the way God sees us. In our fat, our blank, bland eyes of sickness, our mistakes, our complaining, our bad days. We are always beautiful to Him.

What on earth?

Day 5 of my back being out...still in pain. What on earth? It seems to be the common exclamation coming out of my mouth these days/months. I think things are turning a corner for the good and then bam! Nope! 

I pray boldly and with expectation. I humble myself. I give thanks in all circumstances....and the thorn remains. I try to be joyful, but mostly I'm "jobful", because I'm pretty worn out and tired. One week I'm excited just to be able to cook my family nice dinners and organize cupboards and hang clothes on the line, and the next week I'm laid up again. It's ridiculous. Really I'm quite annoyed. If I was terminal, yeah, I'd get it. But I'm not. I'm just getting hit left and right with just enough to keep me down. And keep my family from having the best of me. I'm down to 2 friends, and honestly, they only know the half of what I go through. The truth may make them run too! Well, they haven't run yet. That's why I call them friends, I suppose, and not just people I know. 

I have already done this! I gave up 4 years of college and donated it to debilitating migraines and crazy diagnoses and wrong medications. I have missed weddings, parties, coffee dates, vacations, games, family, and 3 open houses this year alone due to illness. I am missing my nephew's open house today. I have lost enough family and enough friends and enough time and enough life. When will it be enough? Who will I be when I am finally free of all this? 

I ask that because I had certain ideas of what I thought my life would be or where I would be at this point in my life, barring illness, of course. Isn't it funny how I assumed I could make plans? God makes the plans. But it makes me ask the question-why was all this sickness for me part of his plan? And if it wasn't, why wouldn't He remove it? I had hope that since I gave up so much in my younger years that maybe He would return it to me in my older years. Well, I'm older now. I'm still sick. In fact, sicker. What on earth?? 

I haven't seem my sickness do any good for anyone else. In fact, it has separated me from most everyone else. So if this is for someone else's good, I don't see it and for the last 25+ years I haven't seen it either. Ask my high school friends. Oh, wait, they all left! Sick people are no fun. 

Well, enough lamenting for the day. Thanks to the safety of my blog, I can say whatever I need to say without feeling judged for it. I guess if someone doesn't agree, they can take their healthy selves to a happier blog. For now, I'm admitting life isn't that happy. I'm honest. Feelings are real and deserve to be expressed if anything so I can put them in the right place. Now I can get back on track and continue to pray for peace. 

God is not giving me answers or fast healing, but maybe He will bring peace. And if he could, bring my dear friend closer to home so we can hang out. 3 hours is too far... :( 16 years is too long too. 

Art in the House

Crayon art by Serena! She made this for her sister last night. 

A little blurry, but this is the friendship bracelet Natalie made for me. After the week I had, I sure needed that little gesture of love. I am not taking it off! 

I love it when the girls go all artsy in the house. I was just saying that I couldn't wait to feel like myself again so I could do some artsy stuff. Soon, I hope. Soon. 

Love

Amen!! 

B Week

It's been kind of a rough week, ending with me putting my back out yesterday. I'm calling it my "B" week, and because I'd rather not share my whole "book of Job" details, let's just call it "bruises, bee stings, and bad backs"! 

Because I have felt so defeated by this week, I have decided to thumb my unbroken nose at it and change my bad "B"s to "Blessings" instead. 

The blessings hidden in my bruises is that even though I got them while chasing hawks, my nest of swallows on the front porch is still safe. Those hawks have met an old bird even more persistent than them. I have begun laughing at my own antics...

I may be recovering from bee stings, but I got them while floating in my pool for the first time! Praise God I was able to do that without feeling "weird". So I fought bees the whole time. Annoying? Yeah. Painful? Yeah, but....I got in the pool. So there. 

I put my back out, it's true. But I did it doing something I love- trimming shrubs! Apparently I leaned a bit far on the ladder and strained my back. I'm out of shape for sure, and I'm paying for it now, but I was outside doing something physical. It has been months since I've been able to do that! 

While I'm having a few physical hiccups, I am most concerned with my emotional health. I seem to be having some side effects with my medication related to depression, which is quite unsettling to me. I really feel for people struggling with this. It is very real. It strikes very unpredictably and sometimes in ways that make you feel very alone. If I'm being totally honest, only part of it is probably the medication. The rest is dealing with "this". And life...and teens...and people...all while you feel less than your strongest. All while I feel less than my strongest. Very hard to admit. It might be why so many people suffer silently? 

So, you got a little "Job", but the blessing is that I have Steve, my parents, and at least a couple good friends left who still care and it helps keep me afloat. I realize I did not mention my kids. I am learning to manage my expectations. Yes, they are blessings, but I can't depend on them for what I need or it could crush them. I am learning this the hard way. 

Sickness in a family affects every single member! Last year Natalie's surgery affected each one of us and she and Serena really struggled to get along. It was painful to watch. I am in the middle of a different kind of pain now. I need them, but they are going through a very self-oriented time simultaneously. I am trying not to be hurt by it. I am not very successful some days. 

When you become sick, your world becomes small. When people desert you, you feel like your world is ending. It's all a part of the process and I'm learning it slowly, one Job-filled moment at a time. 

But what did Job learn at the end of it all? God never left him. And he kept his faith and he was blessed. 

As I will be. If I can just keep hanging on, bruised, stung, and broken. And know that I know that I know....

He Is

God is good all the time. 

All the time God is good. 

No matter what may come against me. 

No matter who has hurt me. 

In any condition I may find myself in. 

No matter what condition this world may be in. 

Even when I don't understand. 

Especially when I don't understand. 

God is good. 

All the time. 

All the time....my God is good. 

Blessings to you. 

Waiting

While I'm waiting...

My hydrangeas are blooming blue for the first time...

Angel spends the morning cuddling with me...

And her nights warming my spot until I get there...

The bench we bought from some friends who moved away...

The greeting on my door no one ever sees...

Because mama bird is on her second brood...

A rose I thought had died over the winter, but has 3 blooms..

Two of my favorites...daisies and lavender

And something to look forward to...

In Christ alone, my hope is found...

And I am waiting. 

Missing Them

I found myself reminiscing about church the other day, when we had been talking about our former pastor and his wife and what we missed about them. 

Basically they took us under their wing and helped us along in our faith. We took any classes the pastor had, attended meetings he invited us to, and I became part of her ministry team and helped with a ladies bible study each week. We felt spiritually nurtured and cared for maybe for the first time ever.  When they left and in the way that it all happened, it shook the way we viewed "church". We are no longer looking for a "church". We are looking for connection.  With God in a body of believers, yes. But with connection. 

When someone leads you spiritually, whether a pastor, a youth pastor, mentor, or good friend, you develop a connection with that person. It is not a connection that dies just because that person is gone. I believe any spiritual connection that God made possible is of eternal importance. Anything and anyone who helps you to grow, inspires you to learn, encourages you to love God more- that is a connection worth missing. 

And so we miss them still. Not that we can't get those things from other pastors and their wives, but finding a new church is not easy! Especially since my health is still not running up to speed just yet. I'm sure this figures into God's sweet plan, but I do wish He would act soon. TV preachers are boring sometimes!  

I certainly am not looking for a perfect pastor. I didn't have one before, and it's exactly why he was able to get through to us. Funny how God worked that all out. Worked on my dad too....still thanking God for that. 

Connection. Seemingly simple. Insignificant to some. But of utmost importance to those who it was intended for. 

We miss them still. 

Plagued?

It seems we're dealing with some "plagues" around here lately. I'm not sure when it all started, and I'd hate to venture a guess. I wouldn't want to seem ungrateful or negative toward my life at all, by pinpointing times or events, especially since I have seen great blessings come from our so-called "bad times" recently. 

However, these "plagues" are the little things, and I always say when the devil is after you, he'll use the little things. The stone in your shoe, the earring back you can't put in that is making you late for church. Anything that makes you late for church, really. A bee in the car, run in the kids tights, baby spits up in the car, can't find the keys, and on and on the seemingly "little" things go until they become the very things that become your undoing. If you allow it, of course. 

Well, beginning with my medical issues in March, as if that wasn't enough, my list of "little" things just continues to grow. After I began having problems with seizures, I also started having panic attacks. That's a whole new world if you've never experienced one. In a word, it is fear. So I missed some special events, of course, but I also had to quit driving, which means I lost my freedom too. I still have not driven anywhere since March. My life has not been the same at all and I don't feel like the same old me. I have problems now that I did not have before and I'm finding it difficult to get back to "normal". 

Although our home is only 8 years old, things began to break one by one. The main board of our furnace broke on the coldest day of winter. Our drain field began to fail in the spring and we now need a new one. Our central air broke twice in a week, and the engine in our lawn mower cracked all in the same week. We found a bees nest in the ceiling of the room we just built a year ago in the basement, the ants are killing our yard and infesting our garden, and we now have a family of hawks tormenting us in our own yard. Someone has put a tree stand in one of the trees in the yard at the cottage up north, and so we are also dealing with blatant trespassers. The stand is up very high and our first attempt to take it down was unsuccessful. We're unsure what the retaliation will be if and when they discover that we have found them out. It didn't help that they stole our boat rope to use in the tree! 

This morning I decided to hang a load of wash on the clothesline even though I was feeling very tired. As I reached for the clothespins in the garage, I discovered a small mass of worms on the garage floor. Upon further inspection, I discovered the worms were in the entire perimeter of the garage! Not maggots, but some kind of larva or moisture worm I've never seen before. 

I spent the entire day, with the help of Serena, clearing and cleaning the garage. I haven't had enough energy to scrub a shower much less deal with a huge job like that. I am exhausted as I write this, but pretty impressed that I was even able to achieve that! That garage looks fantastic, and it inspired Steve to get the floor painted! Serena even made a cute little corner with all the fishing gear organized together. 

So did the devil win today? No! And he cannot! We have been facing each one of these challenges/plagues head on. Oh, sure, we've been frustrated. We've both had our share of tears. But we keep on keeping on, and we keep leaning on God for strength. 

Today could have been a different day. I had started the day out by feeling weary. I had a disagreement with my wing-spreading 16 year old and I was feeling agitated. My body was feeling worn from a not-so-good night of sleep. My mind was stretched from the worries I had allowed to seep in, hence the lack of sleep. I found myself in my room, taking a deep breath, but wanting to escape. I said aloud to the dog who just loves to hear me talk, "I need to get out of here!" Knowing I can't drive and having no options, I just asked God to help keep me busy. That's when I decided to hang the laundry on the line. 

Maybe the worms were a blessing in disguise? Only God has a way of taking what is intended for harm and using it for good, right? I do have a clean garage. We met a nice man named Nick who fixed our AC who likes dogs. I have people laughing at my hawk antics, and the ants? Well, there are more of them than people. My father in law lives right down the road and allows us to borrow his mower. The drain field...well, that's just a mystery. Maybe we'll learn something good later.  As far as up north goes, we just have to trust God to watch over the property and keep the wrong people out when we're not there. 

I keep telling Steve that no matter what happens, our blessings will always outnumber our "plagues"! And while it's hard not to notice the plagues that might pile up on us, we are making it through! We are blessed to have found ways to deal with them, even if it's a little stressful.  Maybe we're under attack, maybe we're not, but we're going to stay strong and emerge even stronger than before. But I think I'm going to plan for lots of naps in between... :) 

Blog Anniversary

My blog is 6 years old this month. If you've followed me for any length of time you've figured out I write about a lot of different topics. Mostly I share what I consider to be my best feature-my heart. In the beginning I had a lot of positive feedback about my writing, mostly from the people at the church I attended at the time. I admit, the attention was nice. The compliments were something I needed at the time, and it validated me. It also was very short-lived, as all novel things are! 

But as the newness wore off for them, my writing became something I did for me. I've always been recognized for my writing in some way, from elementary school to college, and my dream was always to write some kind of book and have it published. Then the thought occurred to me...why does it matter? Just write! Do what Prof Skip told me to do! Write like you mean it!  I can't write for approval. I don't need an "end result". I only need the experience and the joy it brings me. 

I no longer concern myself too much with who is or isn't reading, or whether I will ever write something publisher-worthy. Now my writing serves to give me a way to share something I can still do. Something I love that is free, creative, God-driven, thought-provoking to others, I hope, and it's mine. 

I shake my head a bit when I tell certain family members about my blog and they claim to "not have time for that kind of thing", but really? If I had an opportunity to get to know one of them better, I would take it. In the time it takes to grow a crop on FarmVille, you can learn a lot about someone you love, hmm?

So, yes, it's personal because it's my heart, and for those of you still reading and encouraging me, I thank you! My heart thanks you too! 

At Peace

This was the most beautiful gift the other night! I'm a skywatcher by nature, and I looked up at 9:07pm to see this...

So amazing! As always I hollered to the family to come and see, but they took too much time and missed it. It was so much better in person, of course, with a little bit of golden light painted behind the edges of the little puffs. Very hard to capture on my iPhone, for sure. 

Just wanted to share. Wish I could have shared the falling star I saw the night before! It was the biggest one I've ever seen. It fell flat when I shared it on Facebook. I might have been the only one who really understood what that meant for me. 

I guess you'd have to be laid up for four months to really appreciate what it's like to see the sky at night again! What it feels like to look up in the sky and see a cloud in the shape of a heart when you haven't been outside in months and you're at the brink of despair...and God speaks...

(I think this was May). What it feels like to feel completely awed by a sky full of stars and then suddenly see one shoot across the sky....and then another....and then none. How very loved you feel when you know just where that comes from and just Who arranges that at just the right moment. There is no way to explain the feeling in your heart...or is it your soul? I can't explain. 

That is something to be celebrated because it's how He speaks. And if you listen, He will speak to you. Get excited. Look up. Watch. Don't miss out when it's still in the air but the breeze touches your cheek. When out of nowhere you feel a drop on your face and it's not raining. 

He is everywhere. And I am at peace. 

Growing Up

I don't often try to force advice or opinions down the ears of my kids or their friends, although they may disagree at times, depending on the topic! Yesterday they were talking about boys and how some of them were just "mean" and called them names and how some of the girls were saying this or that and how sometimes it hurt. I stopped them and I said, "Can I just say a word here? I have a word that will help." They stopped talking and I said my word.

"Maturity. That's the problem, girls. A lack of it. And once these boys and girls and even you attain more, all of these problems will become slightly more manageable! You won't care as much about who thinks what or who does what because you will have grown up past those silly behaviors and so will they have, hopefully. We all grow up. That's the beauty of being young. Some of you grow up slow, and some grow up fast, but eventually most of you end up on the same-ish level and tend to get along fairly well again. The problem is when we react to every little thing everyone says. If we can learn to be more mature and not let those things get in our hearts, then we can be much happier no matter what's going on around us."

Having said my piece, I went back to cutting up vegetables for my salad. They accepted that, even seemed to like that explanation! Maybe it took some of the pressure off or maybe it just changed the mood of the conversation, but they seemed much lighter. We went on to "unload" about other topics, and it became not a gripe session, but a conversation about trying to manage expectations. Serena and her friend are entering high school this coming fall and lots of changes are in store. The sports program is different, grades become more challenging, and it just gets tougher socially to stay on top of everything. It's a tough world out there, for sure. It's not the same school I went to several years ago. It's not the same world I entered, and it won't be the same security I felt walking in those doors as a freshman or leaving as a senior. These are different times in many ways. Our kids need to be diligent, but they also need to know how to relax. Such a hard balance to teach as a parent sometimes.

But back to maturity. It's not just a school-age problem, is it? Don't all ages suffer from a lack of it? Watch the news for 5 minutes. Go to any store and observe someone either waiting to park or waiting in line or waiting for anything for that matter. You'll either see a lot of maturity or a large lack of it. I've seen more maturity out of a 20 year old than a 45 year old at times. Age has nothing to do with maturity for sure. When there was a lot of problems relating to immaturity going on in school a few years back, some of the parents got involved and began fighting amongst themselves, creating a lot of embarrassment not only for their reputations, but for those of their own kids. It's pretty silly, really, because if you know anything about kids and teens, they generally get over a spat fairly quickly if adults just stay out of the way. (not including bullying, which was not the case, although one parent went a little extreme in the defining the word). By the way, not wanting to be friends with a child who is being unpleasant or rude is not considered bullying. It is called putting distance between you and potential trouble. Anyway, the  point is, some people can be pretty immature, even though they are old enough to know better. Hey, I've been cut off in traffic. I have my moments too. :)

It's never easy to take the high road. In fact, I just saw a saying about common sense.

"Common sense is not a gift, it's punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it."

Isn't that the truth? Sometimes being the mature one in the room, whether you're an adult or the teen, can be a real burden. Everyone is on the bandwagon of crazy, and you're just shaking your head with maybe one other knowing soul in the room sometimes! And like I said, we all have our moments of immaturity. No one is perfect, and teens are growing up and have lots of mistakes to make. One thing I told the girls is to keep themselves open and not to close the door on anyone who annoys them today. Tomorrow they may be a dear friend, you just never know. It happens! And let's also never forget that there is a slim chance, oh yes, that we could maybe, just possibly, annoy someone else! What? Oh yeah. Us. And hopefully they look at us with maturity and give us a little grace that day and see us a little better than we are actually presenting taht day.  

What a great world it would be if we could all give each other a little more grace. A little more mercy. Look at each other the way God sees us. Grow up and be kind. Wow. How many people would call us friend? And how many people would we see in a whole new light? Sounds like a whole new challenge to me.

"MATURITY DOESN'T MEAN AGE. IT MEANS SENSITIVITY, MANNERS, AND HOW YOU REACT." 

Where's the Reply Feature?

I have been sitting outside on the deck with the laptop, searching in vain for something that should be easy! So if anyone in Blogger land knows this answer easily, please do share. I can't seem to find where I can add the "reply to comments" feature on my posts! I've tried a few things and there doesn't seem to be an obvious option. I've also looked in the Help feature, which is a joke and has been quite silly many times before when I've used that ridiculous feature.

I would like to be able to respond to comments easily, but hey, if I can't figure it out (pretty likely), then life will go on! :0

Thanks in advance for all you smartypants smartykins who know everything....well, some things anyway. :)

The First Walk

I went for the longest walk I've been on since before winter! Before this whole medical issue happened in March, I had big plans to start walking again. I was so very disappointed when it seemed so out of my reach. Even when the weather became warm, I was still in bed most days. 

Imagine my joy then to be able to take this walk with my daughter today! 

On our way to the pumpkin patch

Natalie is my nature lover! 

The woods are alive today!

Proof that my feet still work! 

Doesn't Nat look super small compared to that big oak?? 

Oh we are so tired of finding these by the road! 

But never tired of finding berries pretty much anywhere! 

Great walk. Great talk with my daughter. Thank you LORD!! Praising Him for supplying my needs every day. 

Wandering Wannabe

Steve coyly said to me late last night, "hey, a headhunter offered up a job position to me last night...." I love these openings, even though he just recently moved into a newly appointed position and is planning to stay.  "Ooh, what is it??" Always my reply, much to the girls dismay, who were sitting within feet of us, watching TV last night.  He smiled, told me where, to which I said, "It's lovely there this time of year!" He laughed. "No, it isn't!" I feigned disappointment and said, "It most certainly could be!"

I still have my Grandpa Orvis's sense of wanderlust. Although I love where we live, I have had the sense that I belong here as much as a polar bear. In other words, I am a fish out of water in my own hometown. I don't have a sense of belonging in the very community in which I grew up, lived in, and came back to raise my own children within. We lived within the town for 10 years before we built our house out here in the country and since then,  I don't feel connected there anymore. It's a quaint, safe, cute little town with good memories and it's a nice place to raise kids. I actually feel guilty for not feeling the "love" for it like I did before. But somehow, I have a sense that somewhere "out there" my new town and my friends are looking for me! Somewhere out there is my favorite coffee shop, my favorite book store, my favorite bench at the beach, our Friday night date spot, and a church!

Yes, I just thought of that too.....you just pictured a Hallmark movie scene, didn't you? It's true. I'm pretty tired of the humdrum around here. I'm pretty disappointed in some things and some people, it's true. It's funny that I even chose to blog about this particular subject. I nearly stopped myself, and then I thought, why? Why not be honest? Why write something and then delete it as if no one ever feels this way? Is everyone just content and happy ALL the time? My Grandpa moved 9 times! Bless his soul, he wanted to experience life in different spots. I'm not sure it had anything to do with happiness. He died at the young age of 42 (I'm 44), so I'm glad my patient grandma endured all the moves for the sake of his curiosity and need to see the world around him.

 Sometimes we succumb to the temptation of  thinking "I'll be happy when _______" That is a guarantee for a disappointed life!  Mainly because when the blanks get filled, you add another blank and on and on the blank-filling goes until you're a sad mess! The truth is, I wouldn't be any happier if we moved to Houston or to Switzerland or to any other place. At least not for very long, because the same things that bother me here would eventually bother me there. Oh, I'd have a few new friends, new scenery, new things to do, and that would satisfy me for awhile, but pretty soon life would settle in like normal and I'd find something new to complain about. The point is, learning to be content right where I am, without moving, without anything changing, without blanks being filled. That is the key to being happy. Living in the present, not living in the "I'll be happy when-- mode will guarantee to keep my mind from wandering into fantasy land or "Hallmark movie" land, where all things are perfect all the time. Life is never a Hallmark movie. That's for Sundays and jammies.

I still dream of moving. I really do! I don't mean to sound like a negative nelly, but we won't be missed! Truly, since we stopped being part of preschool, me being a room mom for years at school, teachers at church, community volunteer work, people truly do treat you as if you fell off the face of the earth! It's true. And of course Steve and I are just so "quiet and reserved" (gotta love that every time we hear it). Actually we are just self-contained raging maniacs! Just kidding. :) So we aren't exactly Mr. and Mrs. Life of the Party, you know, bringing the juice boxes and all. ok, I'll stop....

So, it makes it much easier to imagine moving from the area in a couple years when the girls are finished with school. We hope to sell this place, buy lakefront and lure our beautiful daughters and their future families home with promises of beach weekends and home cooked meals and lots of happy holidays. Sounds like a pretty good Hallmark movie to me? Grandpa would be proud.

The Truth Helps

Whether we want to admit it or not, we need someone in our lives who tells us the truth. I've told this story here before, but I was once asked by someone in essence to "point out where she'd offended or gone wrong in a certain situation". But boy, when I did and I did in the way that I thought was gentle, it was taken so terribly wrong! Everything I said I thought I had said out of a desire to love, help, and lift her up. But how it was taken and perceived was so distorted and confused that I couldn't even explain myself. I couldn't explain it because none of what she accused me of was anything anyone would have ever accused me of. The only word going through my mind at the time was false persecution! It destroyed our friendship because she never would listen or attempt to understand my intention and in fact told me I was not her friend and so I had no business telling her anything! So.....lesson learned. Sometimes when people ask you, "point out where I'm offending or going wrong", sometimes means this: "tell me I'm not offending or going wrong so I can go on thinking I'm right".

Well, I don't always like humbling myself to hear the truth about me either, but guess what? I need it. However, I don't solicit it from people I don't truly respect or admire, either in knowledge, wisdom, or in friendship or love. If she really didn't respect my opinion, she shouldn't have asked that very important question that I took very seriously and prayed about before I answered. It remains one of my "oh well" situations. It has been forgiven and moved on, of course. It has gone into the "lesson learned" box. I learned to not try to fix other people and let God deal with them instead and to not think I actually have any ability to give anyone any advice at all!

So what is your reaction when someone puts the truth in front of you? The truth about you? When I received a comment from Sir Norm that referred to checking out his blog post entitled "The Past has Passed", oh, I knew why....I do. I dwell on the past. Someone smarter than me is catching on! :) I know this is my stumbling block. Always has been. I have a hard time with letting go of the past, regrets, disappointments, what ifs, should haves, could haves, would haves, can'ts, if onlys, etc..." I've been this way for as long as I can remember, way back as a little girl. I don't know why. I suppose if I did I wouldn't be sitting here writing this post! I've prayed about this so many times. I've been aware that it is holding me back. I've been conscious of the fact that it makes me subject to a lot of sadness and attack that I put on myself. Forget Satan. If I stopped to think about anything I'm angry about or anyone I have issues with, they're all in the "yesterday" category. I'm mad about yesterday. I need to let it all go. The people I keep in my life now are not causing issues and the friends around me are here for me. Why I continue to be angry about yesterday is a waste of energy! Oh, and I'm not just mad at what they said and did. I am more mad about every little thing I did wrong too! I apparently don't forgive myself for anything. I've heard myself say it enough times to others, "God forgave you. You need to forgive yourself. He doesn't keep track of your wrongs and neither should you." Why is it I can't get it myself? The slate is clean.....but I keep mucking it up.

When you hear the truth about yourself, you will know it. You might not like how it was delivered or who said it or when it was said. But know that if someone speaks truth to you or leads you to it, they care about you. God gave us Truth in His Word. What better gift could we have received? Is it hard to swallow sometimes? Absolutely! But we can overcome the things that we stumble over if we just trust that God will walk it with us because He wants the best for us. Just like a friend. Just like a fellow Christian. Like anyone who delivers truth. It is to build. Not to destroy. I've always felt destroyed by the truth because I have needed to feel cared for and understood first before someone lowered the boom on me. I needed the guarantee that they weren't just trying to "take me down". It was a trust issue. With God, He will bring the truth through people He appoints. Like Sir Norm, whose truth came to me like a balm.

I no longer feel that need to be understood first. I have sat in Bible study classes where the truth has come to me fiercely and it's the way I needed to hear it. It can't always be soft! It's going to come the way it needs to be heard, and we just need to be ready and humbled always to receive it. I'm ready to hear it and I'm ready to find ways to make the changes I need to make to cut these unhealthy "roots" of my past (Sir Norm) that are holding me back.

Blessings!

Sensitive

I remember a teacher once writing on my report card that I was "sensitive". I was in elementary school. In fact, I believe I was born sensitive, and I became more so as a product of my environment through the years. I was observant, empathetic, strong in conscience, an underdog fighter, and painfully quiet. Sensitive. As if it was a bad thing. Teachers. What did they know? Stuck to their star students, never noticing the ones who could have used a little extra attention. Sensitive? No. Hurting.  Back then teachers weren't very educated in the emotional needs of their students, just pointed out the negative ways it affected their class. Like my crying in her class. She didn't ask why, but got irritated and made me read aloud on the next turn. A teary snotty siphoning mess, I read a cheerful story to my 4th grade class. She never did ask why I was crying so hard. If she had, I would have said, " I think my daddy is dying." He in fact was not, but I was not told the truth about his illness and had drawn my own conclusion. Fear had convinced me that I was losing my dad. I was waiting for it to happen every day and didn't tell anyone. 

I was the laughingstock of my class that day and had no adult to turn to. It confirmed my belief that there was no safe place in school, which was how I had spent my whole elementary life. I withdrew, became more shy, it affected my learning, and I lived in a state of fear every day until summer arrived each year. 

No one knew that I was actually a pretty smart kid because I was so quiet! I was reading at the age of 3, just like I taught my own girls. But because I felt so afraid, I wouldn't share my talents, and so I suffered. Even as a child. 

So when someone points out to me that I am sensitive, oversensitive, empathetic, or overly so, or I wear my heart on my sleeve, I think it's their problem now, not mine. I'm wired the way God wired me to feel what I am to feel to benefit who it needs to benefit. If my sensitivity bothers someone or makes me a bleeding heart, well, maybe they are intimidated by feelings. God made me tender-hearted right from my point of birth, I believe. He has called me to be merciful and a peacemaker. Not that I am all of these things yet, but I strive to achieve them for His pleasure. 

How can I be all of these things and not also be sensitive? How can I be sweet and kind and not also get hurt? How can I love hard and not ever be scarred? It's the way He has designed me. 

So when I have trouble forgiving, the root is because I can't believe someone I invested in would be so hurtful. Because I believe in giving people a chance, but I don't believe in what you did with the chance I gave you. I am constantly trying to make things make sense in my mind, and some things just don't. Square pegs just don't go into round holes, and you have to let them be and stop trying to make them fit. Forgive them for not being what you expected them to be. 

So I will continue to be proud of my scars, brought on by my sensitivity, created by my Creator, who loves me for me. 

Life at the Lake

Evening at the lake...a gift from God, as my friend Pam put it.

The Eagle's nest. Junior is peeking out waiting for his parent to bring back his treat for the night. I didn't see them fly over the lake, but my aunt did while I was sleeping. They've been nesting there for several years. 

A game of Six Cubes, lakeside. Note the flower crown on Natalie's head. She has become quite proficient at making them and wore it at the parade that afternoon in town! Daisies and all kinds of wildflowers grow around the cottage and she loves to pick flowers as soon as she gets there. Who won? I can't remember now...

These three have fished together since Serena was in diapers I think! I have so many wonderful memories of daddy and daughters fishing together. God could not have chosen a better daddy and husband for us, this I know for sure.  I like to fish too, but I'm glad I have the pictures more. 

We didn't have a big fire while we were there, but we usually do. I love the smell of a fire and the wisp of smoke in the last light of day. 

This was the best sunset we had all weekend. God doesn't make bad sunsets, I suppose! 

This was one of our more quiet 4th of July weekends. We used to have so many people up there that the toilet would quit working! Good times. There would be tents and campers set up, kids playing in the water, horseshoes clinking, badminton games, dirt bikes running, boats in and out of the lake all day, and laughter. Tons of laughter and splashing. And now it's quiet. Except for our Canadian neighbors across the lake maybe...a group of college age men who like to drink a bit, play their music loud, have swimming contests, and volleyball tournaments. This year they lit off fireworks! Last year they had a bit to drink and flipped their boat over....I took pictures! :) This was after they visited our dock to see how old the girls were over here. We told them. They left. No worries. We like them. They're quite fun and we enjoy their noise. But we enjoy our quiet, and when we want noise, we can drive a few miles and get some. It's a nice compromise. 

We love it at the lake. But we love to come home.....

Vacation? Me? What?

We just arrived home from our vacation. Yes, you read it right. A v-a-c-a-t-i-o-n! Nothing bad about it! Of course it was a holiday weekend, so we headed up to the family cottage for a few days. I was very thankful to have been able to enjoy it. Very thankful. I had been enjoying a few days of feeling okay, and was praying it would continue and it did. I struggled a bit, but I worked around it and managed okay. I wasn't up to the parade or fireworks, but I didn't mind staying behind relaxing by the lake at all. Everyone understood and let me be me. 

Overall, we had some great family time. I am so blessed with Steve, who keeps our family going when I can't. He took the girls fishing, took them to the parade, snuggled with them at the fireworks, played games with them, made meals for us, plus did whatever else needed to be done. Packing to go was exhausting, but We got it done together and I am so happy to be back home!  

I am so grateful to God that I was well enough to go. It gave me hope and restored my soul just a bit. I still have all my physical problems, but for the first time, I realized maybe I can do this. Next time maybe a little more. It's amazing what a little change of scenery and some quiet will do. 

Love Sweet Love

I wasn't sure what I wanted to post about today. Do I want to continue to lament about how my health is affecting my life adversely....do I want to talk only about how I'm overcoming my challenges....do I want to ignore the bad stuff and talk only about the good? Hmmm...life is kind of like that, isn't it? We all want to rubberneck at an accident scene- who, what, where, how many, etc....but do we really want to see the destruction? We watch a scary movie and partially cover our eyes. Well, I don't watch those, but I laugh at people who do that! We ask people, "how are you?" and then almost cringe when they actually give an honest answer instead of hearing the usual, "fine", in return. We want to see, but we don't want to see. We want to know, but we don't want to know. We wonder why relationships are becoming so surface and so shallow. It's really no wonder to me. There isn't a whole lot of investment going on in a lot of them anymore.

Kindness is of utmost importance to God. Relationships are of utmost importance to Him. He wants us to love and care for one another, especially when we aren't doing well. He wants us to be there for each other. It's why we are here. I guess it's why I am so hurt when not only people I count on pull away from me when I need them, but also when people I care about feel alone in their time of need as well. No one should feel alone in this world. Ever. Especially if you have a God-loving person in your life. That is unheard of to me, yet it happens every day. People will take weeks on missions trips, yet forget their neighbor, their sister, their best friend in dire need of love, attention, time, affection. No one should have to be starving for these things for someone to notice.

If you claim to love God, I hope you then extend that kindness to people. All people. Not just people in your church, your circle, your family. Jesus extended love to all, including the lowly, who needed it most. He didn't ask them first if they were worthy. He knew they were worthy as a creation of God, and so he showed love to them. He didn't wait to see if they were acting right or being positive enough or counting their blessings enough or looked good enough. That's what is so cool about just loving someone else. When we are doing it the way God told us to, it is pure and not of this world. We wouldn't even question it because it would feel so complete. The kind of love we feel for God and our families is as close as I can describe. We don't wait for them to do something for our approval. We just love them. The way God loves us. The way God tells us to love. Everyone.

What a challenge that is, and yet, should it be? Was it a challenge for God to lay down the life of His Son for me? What did I do to deserve that? And I can love because He first loved me. And honestly, if you feel no one in this world is loving you, God does and always will because He created you to love you. I truly hope you know that. That is one thing worth knowing in your heart.

Lamenting about the way I've been feeling....nope. Can't do it. I did have a couple really bad days and missed some really important stuff of my daughter's. BUT, I've had 2 really good days and I have hope that I will have more. Being sick for the past 4 months has made me realize that people really need to reach out to each other and let them know they care. If you feel alone, let someone know. If you know someone who is alone or struggling with illness, stay in contact with them. It means more than you could ever imagine. The best way to heal a sick person is with love. A simple thing that so many people miss because they're too busy. Send a card. Make a call. Send a text. A facebook message. A visit if they're up to it. None of those things cost money. And if you're praying for someone, PLEASE let them know it. It does matter to them to know they are being prayed for!! Yes, you and GOD know. But they need the assurance that they are being lifted up too. Don't take it for granted the things you know. You don't know what goes on in the mind of a sick person. Never assume that they are "fine". Most times they are not. If they say they don't need help, they probably DO. And most of all, tell them you love them. That's the best gift of all.

Blessings to you all. May you feel love today and every day.