It's All Good

I spent some time cleaning and rearranging our home office yesterday. Steve had brought home several boxes of "stuff" from his work office since moving into the new building, so well, hmmmm...
Anyway, a lot of what he brought home were pictures of the girls when they were very little, including one of Natalie trying on her dad's big shoes. Several of them were cute little drawings the girls had done for their dad with their crayoned words, "i love you dad", clearly written in a preschool hand, misspelled and backward, the arms and legs of the dad coming out of his head, but the mustache clearly drawn under the nose! Happy times...
I came across a compilation of photos I had made of daddy doing all the things he spent time doing with them, high-fiving after a successful game of Candy Land-princess nightgowns and juice boxes in hand. Daddy helping hold the bat while she aimed at the tee, daddy holding a hand as they made their way down the steps of the deck, daddy coaching soccer, swimming, laughing, wrestling, cuddling....all around the photos I had written words like "friend", "hero", "protector"...Daddy.
I thought I was doing okay sorting through all those photos, but then my throat began to get tight and my eyes got a little blurry and I suddenly found myself stuffing those memories into a big box with all the awards and other "stuff" to store in the basement. Why put myself through all of that anyway? That is the past.
These past 6 months have been really hard on me emotionally. Being physically ill and dipping my toes into depression have left me feeling a bit raw. Although I feel much more healed on both counts, I have realized that there are some things that still need time. It's like any emotional experience, you need time to process and heal from it. I remember going through Natalie's first night after her major surgery and her blood pressure was dropping dangerously. I was spending the night in her hospital room and listening to her alarm go off periodically all night long. I would hear those beeps, jump out of my chair, run to her side, and wait for that night nurse to come in, which she did fairly quickly. When we returned home, I unplugged my computer and it beeped loudly. My heart jumped and I immediately panicked. It took me a minute to realize it was just my computer. For about 6 months I could not stand to hear a loud beep and would avoid unplugging my computer. Even though I knew it consciously, my brain processed that sound subconsciously to mean something sinister. Ironically, we did end up in the ER just one day after returning home. Natalie collapsed in the bathroom. Turned gray on me, passed out...so incredibly scary. The EMS got there fast. That low blood pressure....But God is so good!
And so it is sometimes with memories. My brain is holding on to the past a bit tight and trying to convince me it was somehow a better place than now. That's not true, and in fact if i allow those feelings to take over, I will miss out on the present. I opened up an Ann Voskamp posting and saw just that last night, and it soothed my weary spirit. She gave the C.S. Lewis quote: " There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."
It certainly wouldn't be fair to my ever-forward moving daughters to be parked anywhere in the past! They are growing, thriving, changing. Looking forward to tomorrow! They want me on board, going forward with them. Celebrating every achievement that propels them forward, even though each day forward is one day closer to the goodbye that leaves me wondering, "what will I do without them?" And maybe my bigger, scarier question- "who am I without them?"  Selfishly I worry more about how I will survive without them than how they will survive without me. I have prepared them as well as I can. Nothing has prepared me.
I have been a stay at home mom for as long as they've been alive partly by choice, but also due to my health. I now wonder as I get older and now have new health concerns-"what now?" I had always thought I'd be better and could pursue my own interests and give myself a focus to keep my mind off "losing" my kids. Now I'm afraid I will only lose my mind! While I've dreamed of writing books or owning my own store, those seem like pipe dreams now with college tuitions looming and medical bills and well, life. I lean on the hope that if it is to be, God will enable me. I will do my part if only He will strengthen me. Continuing to pay off debt and pay for college is priority, but I do fear that there will never be "a right time" for me. These are the times it is hard to trust in the Lord for my future, even though I am promised a hope and a future. I just can't see past the obstacles sometimes. They loom large, and I admit, my kids have been my priority for so long that I have lost myself a little. Okay, a lot.
Living in the present. Oh, seemingly simple, but a daily struggle for me as I see life fly by my eyes so fast. Why is it everyone else's children seem to stay the same age and mine grow like weeds? Why does it seem my life has changed so drastically while my childhood life seemed never-changing? Is there a way to slow my eyes down? :)Yes, Lord, I know there are better things ahead. Just please help me with this journey. I want to enjoy it and not regret wasting it on worry, tears, and fear. Show me how to embrace change and go with the flow and look forward to these changes and take them as they come with power and strength and a big smile on my face.
Because it's all good. Right? It's all good.