Beautiful Day

I had the most beautiful day with my family, picking Natalie's pumpkin patch and enjoying my life. I felt well! Bonus! 

Grandpa photo-bombed with his tractor. He sure enjoys his grand kids! All 13 of them...or is it 14...or 15? I forget! Doesn't matter! :) 

We've never grown pumpkins, but it was a lot of fun and will do it even better next year. Natalie was hoping to sell them, but I think we'll be keeping some and giving the rest to the family who so lovingly puts up with us! 

I can't get enough of these fall trees! I literally walk around with my nose in the air, mesmerized by their canopy of colors. 

It's so nice to report a good day for a change. And did bad stuff try to wreck it? Yes! But I pressed on, and I will continue to keep my nose in the trees! 

Truth

You may think all I do is lament here on my blog, and I want to clear that up! I am obviously a multi-faceted person, like anyone reading this. I have good days, bad days, humdrum days, and lots of in between days too. 

What I choose to share is usually very emotional, whether it is very high, as in my blessings, or very low, as in my struggles. I think I do this because like many people I meet, this is where the conversation usually leads, and it's what people relate to the most. We share hearts, not skin surfaces, I would hope, and so things like feelings can get quite heavy. But it's real. And maybe if you're not quite ready to be real with yourself, as Sir Norm suggested, you can't handle those real feelings of others. (Paraphrased)

No one wants to hear about my latest craft project. There are blogs for that! I am a gardener. There are also blogs for that. I could go on and on about parenting teens, but my daughters have asked me to keep the details of their lives fairly private. Oh, that would be quite a great trove of fun reading, friends! And quite a lot of heartbreak too. Because life, when it means anything at all, is very up up up, and then down, down, down. Birth-up. Death-down. Life. Our stories. 

Life is a whole series of births of things we started, and sudden deaths of things we can't finish, whether taken from us by time or illness, or death itself. We can be derailed for a time, which is kind of where I am, and eventually I would like to be on a better track. But for now, I need the forum to express my journey. It's not always pretty. Because life itself isn't pretty. This world is not our home, remember? We're not supposed to be altogether comfortable here. My ultimate goal? To use what I'm going through for the purpose God has set for me to love others more than I did before. Never have I felt so rotten! Kind of funny, but that is the way God works these things. 

I don't want to be depressing or grouchy or angry. I see those as fleeting feelings, just like anything negative. It comes in, I kick it out. I use writing as a cathartic remedy. Some use fighting with others, cutting off people in traffic, drinking, or other abusive tactics. I write to relieve myself of what comes in so it has a safe way out. I try to point to God, as Angela said to me yesterday, as my end all, be all. Because I know that no matter what I need to go through, He is there and there is a purpose for this. If sharing my journey helps another, it is worth being open, honest, transparent, and vulnerable, and raw. Fun? Nope! But I know enough not to park in a bad place. I am at my heart am encourager. But every encourager needs to be encouraged too. Sometimes people forget we're not perfect. 

Am I susceptible to judgment and criticism? Yes! These past 6 months have turned me into someone even I don't recognize. How can I possibly expect someone else to get it? I am overly emotional and fatigued beyond belief and anxiety-ridden even on a good day. I don't know this new me either. So, my blog. Let's hope it helps me rediscover that funny, ridiculous, creative, carefree person I was prior to this health crisis. Let's see if I can purge this fear and turn my trail onto better land, so to speak. One prayer I have had lately is that God would help me to remain in the present and not be grasping so tightly. That I would look to the future with peace and a welcoming, not with fear and dread of having to let go. That I would stop fretting so much about time going so fast and let my own mind slow down and enjoy things as they are now. To not dread the empty nest, but to not even think of it because it drains my joy from the full nest today. To stop weeping when I look at old pictures and start rejoicing that we had healthy kids for so long! And last of all to be at peace with whatever God chooses for my life. And at the end of the day to be grateful that He is working in my life though I may not see it and I can rest just knowing I am not alone. 

Thank you Angela and Sir Norm for your encouraging comments and prayers. You are blessings. Strangers, though friends in my heart. Canada is a place I must one day visit just to meet you both! 

One Source

Why is it people feel the need to put distance between you and them when what you need most is their presence? 

Why is it when you need understanding you get correction? 

And people wonder why people build walls and shut down and don't get close! Share burdens? With who? 

Why is it when you express an honest emotion, like sadness or rejection, someone is quick to judge you for bringing bitterness to others? 

Because it's true. People really don't have the answers. There is only one true Source of love, forgiveness, acceptance, and joy in this life and it is God. 

Weak

Hmmm...I haven't been blogging because quite honestly, I'm exhausted. More than usual. I started getting sicker early last week with some new symptoms and they are hanging in there. I have no appetite at all, which you would think would be s good thing, but it is very stressful. Being sick ruined my birthday and various other things, of course. I am quite annoyed at this point. Steve is finally back from his business trip that he almost cancelled because of me. I insisted upon his going, as I'm tired of being responsible for messing up everyone's plans these days. I should have been the one taking my daughters shopping for shoes and makeup, not my husband who just got off a plane and is exhausted from work. This stinks! I can't say enough good things about my dear hubby...he exemplifies the word devotion. 

My attitude is less than positive for all of you hoping I will inspire you today. The truth is, I can't be strong every day. It's exhausting. I am not just physically tired, but finding it hard to be emotionally strong too. This is not how I pictured life at 45 at all. Quite the opposite. I spent most of my life sickly and pictured my future with thoughts of hiking trips, kayaking, family volleyball games, water fights, big dirt projects, learning to build a gazebo, lots of stuff that requires energy and purpose. Keep the faith, people say. Don't give up. Hang in there. Ugh. Yep. I know. 

The girls have homecoming this weekend and it will be a flurry of activity. I will have to pick and choose what I can and cannot do. I will probably see them March in the parade but will skip the game in favor of rest. It seems all I do is rest.  I eat like a toddler and sleep. So fun. No social life, other than my kids and their friends! Thank God for my dog, sweatpants, and the few I talk to on social media! Hermit city!  I still battle anxiety and depression, both of which I cannot successfully be medicated for without elevating the other condition. I was told to choose the lesser of two evils...and now I'm being treated for neither.  One lowers my tolerance for seizures. The other causes the anxiety to get worse. Had it not been for these seizures, I wouldn't be dealing with this at all! 

Feeling inspired yet? I warned you. Some days I give, and some days I purge. Today is a purge day.  Maybe tomorrow I will be full of blessings to share, but so it is with illness. It's not okay to be sick and I'm not going to paint a valiant picture of it for anyone. It's okay to not be okay and to have days where you don't feel strong in yourself or your faith. Where I am weak, HE is strong. 

Kate's Prayer Blog

Prayer requests for Kate can be found on her blog at www.prayforkate.com. This will avoid any misinformation I may unknowingly give here. 

Update on Kate

For those praying for little Kate, her surgery was postponed from today and should take place instead tomorrow. 

I'm still continuing to pray in faith that this tumor, though cancerous in the eyes of the scan, will not even be present when they go looking for it again! 

I continue to envision Kate as a healed adult, sitting in a roomful of healthy people, giving her testimony about the Jesus who healed her! 

Is all of this possible, you ask? 

Yes, all things are possible with God! The faith of this family is strong and multitudes are storming the gates of heaven on their behalf. We should be storming the gates of heaven daily about everything if we believe. 

Shouldn't we?? 

Nothing is too big for our God to handle. 

Plans

As my oldest daughter contemplates career plans, I think of myself at her age, contemplating my own. Maybe that's why when she talks about doing this or that I just kind of say mmmm...I see... Or, oh, that sounds interesting! 

How can one really know what he or she wants to do for the REST of his or her life at the tender age of 16 anyway? It's crazy! She's just starting to drive. She can't even decide what kind of job she might want to try next summer. Career? It's crazy. 

I tell her to follow her interests, because it's the one thing I did not do right at her age. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be a social worker. I was discouraged at both! I didn't have enough self-confidence to fight the nay-sayers to do it anyway. I backed down. I pursued something else and I wasn't happy. Then I ended up too sick to finish anyway, adding even more disappointment to the mix. 

So when she tells me she wants to pursue music, I admit, I cringe a little! The music professor tells her a path she can take to be successful, but it's not the one she wants to take. She doesn't have a path. She has a perfect GPA. She has leadership skills. She is smart in all of her subjects. A way better student than both her dad and me. The critic in me says she would make an amazing engineer or computer scientist. The mom in me says she has to find what makes her happy. Not what makes sense to us. Not what makes sense in "the world". 

Again, we have to remember that God has given Natalie a purpose! He has equipped her with all the gifts, talents, and brains to fulfill this purpose. We are merely here to support her, not to hinder or discourage her. If she wants to pursue music, I told her to get busy researching careers in music that encompass the things she wants to pursue. It's up to her to be enthusiastic about that search. We'll see what she cares about by how much time she invests in it. 

And now it's time for mom to take her own advice. I am actively working on a plan of my own. It is starting with finally reading Joyce Meyer's book You Can Begin Again. There are a lot of hindrances I need to throw off and a lot of new good habits I need to start before I can finally claim what I've been pining for! It's not that God doesn't want me to have it. It's that I haven't been ready. 

So while she prepares for pre-college testing, I'm doing some testing of my own. I have a feeling we're both going to be just fine. 

Pray for Kate

Please pray again for little Kate. She's supposed to be starting 1st grade ( I think) but instead she will be undergoing surgery on Tuesday to remove a cancerous brain tumor for the third time in her short life. 

I don't know her family, probably never will, but they are faithful in Christ and have been glorifying Him from day one of her horrible diagnosis. I've kept her in my prayers ever since I saw them appear on the Dr. Phil show a few years back. 

Please lift up mom Holly, dad Aaron, and siblings Will and Olivia as they all struggle with the days to come. They've all been down this road too many times. 

And Lord, please reach down and touch Kate and heal her little body! 

These are the times, Lord. Why, God, Why? I know how this works with suffering in adults, but kids? I will never ever try to explain or understand. 

Praying still for you, Sweet Kate! 

Nature Walk 2

There are a lot of what we call "wild plums" out front. I've never seen them produce before this year or maybe I've never noticed, but they are quite pretty. Edible? I'm not sure, but the birds sure like them. 

I love the way wild ivy takes over trees, and this one is no exception. Dead trees even become more beautiful and lifelike with the twisting and turning of the little vines. Even the goldenrod look beautiful this time of year, though tell that to our allergies...

I have a special affection for wild olive bushes. I love the theory of "extending the olive branch"- to reconcile a relationship. These bushes are all over our property and they are covered with tiny little "olives". A reminder to extend forgiveness and mercy and restoration. 

Wild grapes grow everywhere around the property as well. We don't actually eat them. They are left for the birds to enjoy.

On this particular section of the property a house and barn once stood with a strawberry farm. It was pretty well known to the elderly locals here. It's been long gone, but the remnants of the tiny block house still stand.. I have blogged about that before, so I won't bore you again. I often wonder about their family and if they knew someday their favorite apple tree would still be standing....so fun to think of those things. 

This apple tree in our front yard is very old and temperamental. When it finally produced apples last year, they really didn't taste very good! But we thanked it anyway and the deer were happy with them. 

 Sometimes I forget to look down! I was blessed by another "cloud heart" yesterday as I walked down the driveway to get the mail, but I also felt blessed by this little dew-covered leaf in the backyard. 

 A few years ago, I cut a trail through the woods leading to the treehouse and placed a bench halfway through. Yesterday as I looked at that bench, I realized that sometimes loneliness is a good thing. It leads you to your Creator, and His creation. Time spent with God is never time spent alone. 

I wasn't feeling terribly "metaphorical" today, in hopes that maybe you could find your own in my pictures. Blessings to you! 

Back to Nature

I took a nice long nature walk with my sweet Angel girl today. Nature never fails to recharge and reset my soul. As always, I first visit the garden and the sunflower patch. Who can be anything but happy with all those sunflowers nodding those happy faces down on you? And just look at that blue sky!

 And truly, I have the best companion in Angel. She is so much fun to take exploring. At the first sound of the chipmunk chirp, I just know my arm is going to go flying at the end of the leash. She's just the sweetest dog. I spent a little time cutting some sticky burrs out of her, but we had a good time.

 Angel discovered this fun little tunnel in the orchard. It's one of my favorite places to walk. I have to duck through it, but it feels like a little secret garden as you walk through. I feel blessed to live on this property. Sometimes I forget that peace is just a few steps out my door.

 And here stands the "miracle tree", the one I've posted about before. This apple tree has been standing here for years, maybe a hundred years, who knows? All I know is that the trunk of this tree has been rotted out for as long as we've had the property and yet it continues to grow and blossom each spring. Last year it had many apples.

 I have attempted to blur the tree and highlight the sole apple on the tree so you can see it. You may have to look hard at the mid-right side of the photo, but it's there. The one apple that came from a tree with a rotted trunk. And I lose hope? What's wrong with me?

I took a lot more pictures, but I will share them with you tomorrow. I have more lessons from nature to share with you, but I wouldn't want to overwhelm you today. I sure wish I lived near the mountains. Now that is a metaphor for life! But I live in the woods, where some parts are sunny and some are shady and stagnant. Some are full of life and greenery and some are dark and full of fungus. Lots of metaphors there too, I suppose. Today I choose green. And It would serve me well to stay there.

God has allowed me to live here in these 39 acres for a reason. He has chosen to remove people for a reason. He has been bending down to hear me for a long time. He knows my struggles. He will provide for the breaks in my heart. This is certain. As certain as the sun that make the morning glories bloom every morning and those happy sunflowers that smile at me every day. Nature is so much kinder than people. :)

Maybe it's why it brings me so much peace....and no turmoil whatsoever.

Worn

Each day really does have its own trouble, doesn't it?  I have recently come under attack in my family as you may know simply for being a Christian. Okay, I'm used to that. It's happened before. Yep, I'm the "goody two shoes". I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't party. Not because I'm "better than them", but because I've been called to keep myself holy. Does that make me perfect or somehow without error? Oh, I wish! I'm subject to the same kinds of temptation as everyone else. I'm not exempt from being sick or rejected, for sure. In fact, I've been sicker and more rejected than any of them.
Part of the depression I have been dealing with has been chemically related to my seizures and the treatment, but some of it has also been related to the conditions of my heart. The fact that I have felt very let down by people I thought were my friends. People I thought would be there for me. People I thought I could depend upon. What a rude awakening my soul has been through. I have endured lost friendships before, believe me. I have seen friends pass me up in favor of others and I really just shook my head. I still do sometimes. But this last friend was the last straw. My nephew. My brother. People I thought cared for me at church. Wow. So many turning backs at once. Am I a leper? Do they follow old testament or something? Do they turn backs on sick people so they don't "catch it" too? What happened to that so-called Christian friend who goes around quoting scripture and talking about healing and attends more church than the pope? Where was she when I was at my darkest? Should I have called her to tell her my life was falling apart? She knew, but I believe hard times not only reveal true friends but they reveal lazy Christians too.
I said to my hubby, my best friend in the whole world, "is something wrong with me? why would someone be mean to me? I've been so sick for so long. Why would you treat a sick person so poorly? I just don't get this. It's like kicking a puppy. How can I not be hurt by this?"  He answered in the way he always does, "You have me, and I am not going anywhere."
So, my honest dilemma. When I feel hurt, I want to retreat. I don't want to show mercy. I don't want to forgive. I don't want to act like it doesn't matter. Because I would never treat a person with such disregard at the worst time or at any time of their lives. I do what I've done for years. I build a wall. Well, my wall has become so thick and so tall that I don't allow others in quite so easily anymore and I certainly don't involve myself in their lives. In the words of my teens, I am so done. Is that the right heart attitude. Absolutely not. But like I said, it's my honest dilemma.
So after being up after midnight, knowing I had an early morning of first day of school busyness, I am tired. But I knew I had to be praying myself through this. I can no longer take anti-depressants after having a couple of bad weeks on one. They cause my anxiety to flare up again, which is something I can't tolerate. It's the lesser of two evils, I guess, but living with cyclical depression is sometimes like knowing you're going to get a very painful shot and having the pain last for about 3 days or more a month with no relief. Not fun and it's quite a fight emotionally as you can see. You try to hide it from people and it comes off as disinterest in them. You stay home when others go out. You do a lot of things alone. You count on your friends to understand. You hurt a tad bit more than normal. It's good when people "get you".  You feel like a burden.
Today I opened up a Rick Warren post and saw this:
"Did you know that God uses your conflicts with other people to get your attention on him? If you're experiencing relational conflict in your life right now, Congratulations! God is trying to get your attention to change you for the better. When God wants to change you it always starts with conflict."
My questions remain: How much conflict and how much time?? Always, how much time will this take, Lord?
One thing this depression and these conflicts do is they drive me to my Bible and my study. With the kids in school, I have some quiet time to reflect and pray out loud without interruption. I can study a topic, listen to the materials and really get into the Word. I am re-joining a Bible study next week with some ladies who are dear to me to get the support I need both spiritually and relationally.
So, let's go, God. Let's get these kinks worked out. Because I'm tired, I'm weary, and I'm worn.