Truth

You may think all I do is lament here on my blog, and I want to clear that up! I am obviously a multi-faceted person, like anyone reading this. I have good days, bad days, humdrum days, and lots of in between days too. 

What I choose to share is usually very emotional, whether it is very high, as in my blessings, or very low, as in my struggles. I think I do this because like many people I meet, this is where the conversation usually leads, and it's what people relate to the most. We share hearts, not skin surfaces, I would hope, and so things like feelings can get quite heavy. But it's real. And maybe if you're not quite ready to be real with yourself, as Sir Norm suggested, you can't handle those real feelings of others. (Paraphrased)

No one wants to hear about my latest craft project. There are blogs for that! I am a gardener. There are also blogs for that. I could go on and on about parenting teens, but my daughters have asked me to keep the details of their lives fairly private. Oh, that would be quite a great trove of fun reading, friends! And quite a lot of heartbreak too. Because life, when it means anything at all, is very up up up, and then down, down, down. Birth-up. Death-down. Life. Our stories. 

Life is a whole series of births of things we started, and sudden deaths of things we can't finish, whether taken from us by time or illness, or death itself. We can be derailed for a time, which is kind of where I am, and eventually I would like to be on a better track. But for now, I need the forum to express my journey. It's not always pretty. Because life itself isn't pretty. This world is not our home, remember? We're not supposed to be altogether comfortable here. My ultimate goal? To use what I'm going through for the purpose God has set for me to love others more than I did before. Never have I felt so rotten! Kind of funny, but that is the way God works these things. 

I don't want to be depressing or grouchy or angry. I see those as fleeting feelings, just like anything negative. It comes in, I kick it out. I use writing as a cathartic remedy. Some use fighting with others, cutting off people in traffic, drinking, or other abusive tactics. I write to relieve myself of what comes in so it has a safe way out. I try to point to God, as Angela said to me yesterday, as my end all, be all. Because I know that no matter what I need to go through, He is there and there is a purpose for this. If sharing my journey helps another, it is worth being open, honest, transparent, and vulnerable, and raw. Fun? Nope! But I know enough not to park in a bad place. I am at my heart am encourager. But every encourager needs to be encouraged too. Sometimes people forget we're not perfect. 

Am I susceptible to judgment and criticism? Yes! These past 6 months have turned me into someone even I don't recognize. How can I possibly expect someone else to get it? I am overly emotional and fatigued beyond belief and anxiety-ridden even on a good day. I don't know this new me either. So, my blog. Let's hope it helps me rediscover that funny, ridiculous, creative, carefree person I was prior to this health crisis. Let's see if I can purge this fear and turn my trail onto better land, so to speak. One prayer I have had lately is that God would help me to remain in the present and not be grasping so tightly. That I would look to the future with peace and a welcoming, not with fear and dread of having to let go. That I would stop fretting so much about time going so fast and let my own mind slow down and enjoy things as they are now. To not dread the empty nest, but to not even think of it because it drains my joy from the full nest today. To stop weeping when I look at old pictures and start rejoicing that we had healthy kids for so long! And last of all to be at peace with whatever God chooses for my life. And at the end of the day to be grateful that He is working in my life though I may not see it and I can rest just knowing I am not alone. 

Thank you Angela and Sir Norm for your encouraging comments and prayers. You are blessings. Strangers, though friends in my heart. Canada is a place I must one day visit just to meet you both!