Leaves and Georgia on My Mind

I never thought I'd be thanking God for the ability to rake leaves, but lately I've been doing just that. I've also been thanking God for sore muscles, and for fatigue caused by work-related issues and not for sick-related issues! I have a mostly-raked yard and several trimmed shrubs, and lots of sore muscles, and lots of yawns. Praise God.
I'm not sure I'm happy about having to rake, but since our lawn mower died last summer, we also lost the ability to bag our leaves, so out came the rakes and the manpower. I realized quickly that I missed raking. Sounds strange, but I used to love raking when I was younger. It's much like mopping a dirty floor, I suppose. Each swipe of the rake yields a patch of clean green grass. It's addictive, really. I just can't stop until it's all green! Or until my shoulders start to sing...or it gets dark...or I just cant go anymore! It's therapy too- great thinking time. It's monotonous, quiet, methodical, lulling, peaceful, almost meditative. Until I see a spider. Then it's something entirely different! But the great thing is that it returned a bit of me to myself and for that I'm grateful and I have lacked that bit of "me" for so long that I wondered if it was ever coming back. A bit of my old driven style of work had returned, and it gave me hope! There's nothing like a little physical labor to give you your spirit back and get the gears turning again. Oh, I'll pay for it in my body a bit, but my spirit will thank me for that cost, I'm sure. Now, the weird thing is, I may not feel like doing it in 2 days. But that's how it's been going. So, I've learned to appreciate the good days and use them in the best way I can.
Now on to other things...Yesterday I was talking about a "possibility". Well, I have heard back on the answer, and I was quite surprised at my reaction. I can give details now because it's "out", but the business Steve works for in the company is moving to another state. Some of the people associated with that business were already relocating to that state without much notification. When I first heard that we could also be a part of this relocation, naturally I was a little shocked. But honestly, as the idea wore on me and we began to really try it on and talk out the details and the ramifications of school and such, I began to see it as a real positive change. Not that I had hopes for this change, but I had settled it in my mind that we would be ready to take this challenge head on and make it a great thing for our family. Realizing it's not just about a job, but that Steve's job is the mainstay of our family, it has to take precedence over pretty much everything unless he were to choose to leave that job. As the week went on and I began to pray about it, I felt God giving me peace about it either way. The old me would have been clinging to this place by the fingernails, scratching to hold on to the old, good for me or not.
Well, apparently I am not the "old me" anymore, because I was ready to be a peach. A Georgia peach. Spiders, hot weather, and maybe even sweet tea. (yuck) I was ready to pick up and move my life. Make some friends, find a church, write my book, have neighbors, connect with a community, give my girls some new experiences, visit Disney (because it would be closer!) Live in a new place, grow new roots, meet new people, hear new stories, reinvent myself, and see my family doing the same. Because I realize more and more that I am not happy here. What a sentence that is, but it has been true for so long. I keep trying to ride a dead horse. Trying to rejuvenate a dead life in the same place.  Kind of like keeping dead batteries and continuing to stick them in the flashlight, expecting them to work...yeah, like that.
So a change will come, as I said in my last post. And apparently I will have to make it here, in the place I have been for my entire life. Sigh. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I love my home and where it sits. I love my parents, my husband's parents, don't get me wrong! I'm not running "from", but rather running "to" ...... to what, I will probably never know as long as I am here.
I think Steve was pretty surprised with my disappointment last night, but I finally poured my heart out to him last night about the way I've been feeling. He gets it. I'm a host. I make things possible for him, for the kids, but things feel impossible for me. Does that mean I need a different place? Well, considering other factors, yes, it could help. But it's not everything. Good health, and a decision to put myself a little higher on the list perhaps might work as well. A new church would help, with good fellowship. Some new friends would be nice. All things that good health might yield as well.
And just Who can I trust with all this new stuff on my list? God Himself, who makes all things new and Who just this morning I said, "Not my will, but Yours, God....whatever you want for me...it'll be good..."