Getting There

For the past two days I have left my TV and radio off entirely. I still have access to my phones because I am needed by people, of course. I decided I just needed some quiet time. That quiet time didn't really go as planned, but it's okay. It was filled with necessary conversations with people I care about. I reconnected with a friend who lost her father last year and is still struggling with depression. I spent time talking with my sister, my mom, my dearest oldest friend 3 hours away.

I printed a few pictures of my brother from our trip to the cottage last year. I put them in a frame next to his oldest son's graduation picture. I put his business card in a treasure box. I lit a candle. I started a private facebook group called "Remembering Jeff" for my family and Jeff's friends to have a place to post their thoughts and pictures and share their hearts. I sat down and did what my mom asked me to do. I wrote my brother's obituary.

I sent texts to his wife and both sons and assured them I was thinking of them and lifting them up in prayer. One is back to college, heading back into his vigorous engineering program. One back to his 6th grade class. They replied to my texts, a simple, "thank you". I can't even imagine how their life has changed. I can only pray blessings upon blessings will come to them.

I penned a letter to my oldest brother, who is broken-hearted, still physically ill after his surgery, and now emotionally wrecked, wrestling with his emotions, not knowing how to express them, where to put them, who to trust. His coping skills of the past have involved substances and anger, not the ones that I have suggested and prayed for over him. I fear he won't find comfort. His heart may become even harder. I now know the reason my notes to him were becoming more and more intense. It wasn't about him. It was about our Jeff.

I sent my Bible study notes to my sister, who struggles with self-forgiveness and letting go of the past, as we all do at times. The reason I have notes on that is because I struggle there too. In times of loss we all have feelings of misplaced guilt. We all need to be reminded that God can absolve us and forgive us if we only take it to Him and leave it there, trusting him with our pain.

I set up a special place to pray so that I can't possibly forget, and I've decided that I don't want to pray out loud anymore. I will now pray in silence. I want to teach myself to hear God better and sometimes I talk too much. Maybe I'm also afraid that the enemy is listening. If this is wrong thinking, I would love opinions on that. I've heard differing thoughts.

I have asked my oldest friend Patty, who is more like my sister, to make homemade cards for my nephews so I have something special to send them each week in my handwriting. She was our next door neighbor growing up and Jeff played with her brothers. So, it's special to me to have her make them. I'm doing what I can to be proactive. I fear the day I run out of things to "do".

Grief doesn't stay with one person. It is shared. Just when you think you get a handle on it, someone calls you in intense pain and needs to be comforted. That's why it is so important to know God. I don't know how others were able to walk into that funeral home and see what I saw without knowing God and His plan. I only know how it was possible for me. Because seeing the pain around me was not all there is to it. Knowing my brother has seen Jesus gave me great comfort. Knowing I will see him again gave me peace. I'm not saying it was easy. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I still have bad days and will probably go back and forth for awhile, especially if I know my nephews are having a hard time. Because grief is shared. And if they hurt, I will hurt too. Because I love what my brother loved and I will do what he would want me to do.

Thank you to those who have held me up through this time. Your comments and encouragement have touched my heart. I have shared them with my sister, who was very touched by your words. I am thankful for those God has placed in my path.