It seems I get a few steps forward only to fall firmly back. I have been sick for 8 months now. Wow. Who would have thought I would ever be saying that, let alone living that? What the whaaaat?? As my kids would say...
My life, though I am continuing to look for and see glimmers of hope, is certainly not the full and joy-filled life I would like to be living right now. I am being honest in saying I am not very happy right now. But I don't have a lot of choices. I have to suck it up and take it like a champ. Whatever.
So, hubby did a wonderful thing for me last week, knowing how much I love and miss photography. He got me a new printer and lots of photo paper and ink. On the one day I felt sort of okay, I printed photos like crazy! I changed our whole gallery wall, taking it from old to current pics of the girls. It gave me a little hope. I'm a pretty good photographer. I love art and creating things. I so miss my scrapbooking...I miss more things than I can count! I miss hope...
I miss me. I have been so caught up in just trying to keep my head above the water with my health. It is hard to enjoy life that way, clinging from one good moment to the distant next.
I miss browsing in stores...picking out my own "stuff", meeting a friend for coffee. Those days feel so far gone. Those "friends" moved on. Life has definitely changed for me. It's hard to keep up when everything is moving but you.
Yet I keep thinking these changes must be for something good, because God would not allow me to miss out on life for nothing. He didn't promise I would be happy, though I'm sure He would like that for me. He does assure me that I can still have joy, which is better. No one said it feels better, by the way. Feelings have nothing to do with it!
So I have my writer's cabin in place, my new printer, and thousands upon thousands of photos to print....I just need to feel well! And I would eventually like to return to my life...shopping, dining, laughing, going to shows, traveling, being part of a church, etc... For some reason, when these seizures started, I began having anxiety attacks. Now that anxiety is threatening my joy. The "old" me is fighting to get out, saying "what the whaaaat?" Who are you?? It's a very strange thing to not recognize yourself suddenly. I have pulled back from everything I used to find familiar. It must be how foreigners feel in a strange country. I am a foreigner in my own town and in my own life.
And I keep praying for my citizenship to be renewed.
4 comments:
Job 6:8 Oh that I might have my request; and that God would grant me the thing that I long for!
Job 28:23 God understands the way thereof, and he knows the place thereof.
These are the two verses I have been meditating on during my healing time from the TIA I had this Aug. Healing does belong to us and it is God's word. I pray it for us both in Jesus name.
Psalm 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Thank you, Sir Norm, my friend.
I hear you Jami! You are in my heart and in my prayers.
I know you do, Angela. Probably more than anyone. Thank you, my friend. Praying for you too.
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