Still Soft

I caught myself saying, "this has been a terrible year. I can't wait for it to be over."

And even as I said it, the reality sank in.

There are no guarantees. Though next year is Natalie's senior year and I want it to be "the best year ever", I can't make any promises. I can't stop any bad things from "messing" up my plans. 

I've seen too much of the contrary happen. A Dad getting killed in an accident 3  months before he was to walk his only daughter down the aisle..,mom dying of cancer leaving 2 young sons, a mom dying just before her kindergarten daughter stepped off the bus one day, a baby that never saw the light of day though his family waited with expectation and big plans. And my brother, dying suddenly in the arms of his son, leaving his two boys without their hero. None of this makes sense on earth. 

We aren't guaranteed anything. Not happiness, not ease of life, not a struggle-free journey. Sometimes we go through life without the people we love. Or sick. Or without the love we need. No guarantees. Nothing pretty about it, and yet, we can still have a beautiful heart inside. That's the good thing. 

And I won't sit here and fill you up with Christian-ese and tell you everything is going to be okay. Because  God has a plan and a purpose. It may be true, but tell it to the 11 year old with the baseball mitt in one hand and no dad to catch the ball. I can guarantee you, he won't "get" God's plan. That is of no comfort to him at all.  Even as adults, these things don't make sense. Time dulls wounds, but I doubt they ever really heal. Some things can only be healed in heaven. Sorry, but sometimes things are just not okay. And that's just the way it is. But your beautiful heart still beats in there. Broken, slightly beating, not okay. 

I can quote Scripture with the best of them. I have it everywhere. I pray earnestly every day with the most honest words in my heart. It does no good to "flower" them up. The God who made me knows what I'm going to say anyway and appreciates my honesty. 

I can feel depressed, I can feel diminished, at the end of my rope. I can feel stuck in the wringer. I get angry.

Yet I still turn to God and the first words I say each time I pray is this: 

"Thank you for this day..."

Even when I'm crying...angry...lost...so confused...

Because this is all I have. This day. And at the end of this one, it might just be better than yesterday. 

Remember-no guarantees. But no reason to fear the worst either. 

Somehow I'm learning to live in the middle of hope and reality-where I don't assume everything is going to be great, but I hope that it will be okay. 

It's been a pretty rough year, and I can't wait for it to be over...that is true. Because it's that much closer to the day we will all be in heaven together. 

Sometimes the picture in my head has to be that big to get through the day to outweigh the circumstances of the moment. 

Because just being a little "okay" is better than not being okay at all. It's called survival. 

I believe God absolutely gives us more than we can handle, and that trials are used for our benefit to strengthen us for His glory. How that figures into the "now" of the moment is a mystery. How it figures into children going through atrocious trials I will never know. 

What I do know is that life is more fragile than ever and what we say and do matters more than we realize. People are always saying "toughen up. Grow a backbone". I don't know. Might be true. Might not.  I sure wish more people would grow their hearts and show more compassion. Soften up. Love a lot more. 

It's been a really bad year...

But I'm still soft. 

Maybe I'm learning something after all.