He Changed Me

Do you make New Year's Resolutions? I've probably mentioned this a time or two in the years I've been blogging, but I don't make them, nor do I "start diets"! 

Not anymore, anyway...

Last year at this time, i had just spent the first Christmas with my brother's wife and two sons, without my brother. I remember them walking through my front door and it was the most surreal experience. For one, my sister-in-law, in the 25 years of being married to my brother, had never come with him to a family visit, much less to my home. Jeff had only been to my home twice in the few years he had recently started coming back to see us again. 

As we made our way back to my parents home for the family gathering that day, I kept my mask of smiles on and held myself together, but inside was a storm, and it was about to blow. 

Part of that storm was realizing that I could easily be in Lisa's shoes. I could be a young widow. I could also leave someone a widower, as the obvious heart conditions were making themselves known in our family. 

I began to pray for health, even as my health was deteriorating at that time. I had a new condition beginning, which is still ongoing as I write this, but I became most concerned with my weight and my heart health, considering how Jeff had passed so suddenly. 

I didn't have to make a resolution about exercise, giving up sweets, drinking more water, eating healthy. It became so important to me to do those things because I could see the pain in those three faces and I felt it. There was nothing I could do to change it for them, and as much as I nag Steve about his eating habits, it has to come from him. This change came from God helping me to do what I could do. 

When I mentioned to my neurologist that my medication was making me lose weight, he said, "could be, but you have a really healthy lifestyle". I was so used to diet failures of the past that I couldn't even admit I finally did something right on my own! 

Sure, I don't eat a lot, but others point out to me, when you are smaller, you don't require as much fuel! Oh yeah...

So I can give the medicine all the credit I want, but the fact is, I'm putting in all the effort! I'm not eating junk. I'm exercising. Plain and simple. I want to be here and do what I can for those faces who look to me for everything they need. 

My brother's influence in my life was short on earth, but will live on in me as I continue to stay healthy and hopefully stick around for his boys too. 

Don't make "resolutions". Look around you and see what changes you. 

Hearts Find Me

These are just a few hearts that I have seen or have had sent to me over the past year.  Actually, only one was sent, and it was the first one a friend had ever sent me, upon hearing of my heart "deliveries". 

I find it ironic that I'm a "finder of hearts", or rather, hearts find me, as I always say. Because these hearts are intact, spontaneous, beautiful, and surprising, while mine still feels unsteady and a bit misshapen at times. It has plenty of love, for sure, it's just a little bruised, kind of like this: 

My sister is always in awe of these hearts that find me, and she often asks, "why do you think this happens to you?" She's not the only one who wonders. Many people ask me that very question. 

I've often wondered that same thing, and I've begun trying to pinpoint the time I started noticing their arrival. I photograph as many as I can, but to be honest, I see so many sometimes that I can't always photograph them all. I see them in ordinary places, odd places, in nature, in food, in shadows, reflections, clouds, pretty much everywhere, without trying to find them.  Do I just pay more attention? I am kind of the artsy fartsy, star-gazing, head in the ice-cream-shaped clouds type. I also see a million other tiny things most others don't notice, as I'm often told. Road trips with me are a long excursion! 

People have begun sending hearts to me, either by text or by Facebook message. Sometimes people will just tell me about a heart they saw that made them think of me. I've begun to stop and pay attention to who and what I'm thinking about when a heart finds me. It has been quite interesting. Interesting enough that I have stopped to think about that person more and what he or she means to me. Does this have significance? I don't know. 

Some of those hearts have caught me when I am feeling very sad and have served to lift me up, even just a little bit. I would like to think its God's message to me that even when I feel alone, let down, or whatever it is, that He is not going anywhere. Ever. I've needed that message my whole life, I suppose. 

While it's a beautiful mystery yet to be solved, there have been periods of time where I haven't seen any hearts at all. It's disappointing, yet I've never attempted to look for them. I've simply waited. Those times are also interesting. I've paid attention to the whos and the whats at those times too. Just to see if there are correlations. Sometimes it seems there are, but that could be coincidence, if you believe in that sort of thing. 

I've never been particularly fond of the heart shape or been much of girly girl, however, I am quite the romantic, so it is appealing to that part of me. I'm listening, Heart-Sender. I'm loving the hearts, but I don't understand the message just yet. I'm having fun with them and sharing them, and maybe that's the message. 

If you need something, give it away. And who couldn't use more love? 

Something to think about. 

Aargh...a Party!

We had a little family party for Halloween this year, since we really just needed an excuse to be silly. 

We made some fun snacks...

Carved pumpkins with the girls and a couple of their friends...

Charlie is mine...I love him so...:)

We even dressed up Angel. She made a pretty cute pirate, don't you think? 

These ghosts showed up at the front door to surprise us! My parents...so cute and so fun! 

We have had this mask for years and we all take turns trying to scare each other with it. Steve decided to wear it for awhile and we started calling him an old grouchy coach. He practiced saying, "You kids get outta my yard!" He got quite good at it. 

But we had zero trick or treaters, so he didn't get to do it after all. Not that he ever would...

Actually, he made a better pirate, I think. 

It was a pretty fun night. We used to do these family parties every year, but we stopped for awhile. 

I can't imagine why! 

So, sorry for the late post. I'm a little behind. I've been busy making bad guys walk the plank! :) 

The Eyes

I'm headed to my eye doctor for the first time in 2 years. I initially cancelled my appointment when I was having panic attacks. Then lost my brother and needed to avoid my optometrist. He and my brother attended high school and college together, and he is one of the kindest people. I just couldn't look at him. Ugh. 

So today I have to go because I'm having trouble seeing! That happens when you get a little older apparently. My dear kind husband gave doc the heads up and he won't mention my brother unless I do. Crying at an eye appointment...a little counterproductive! ;)

I took the above "self-portrait" a few weeks ago, and my first thought was about how the type of seizures I have affect the vision. It should have been how cool the sun reflected the blue in my eyes. That, my friends is completely unedited! I have a hyper pigmentation in that eye also, which I have always called "my fire"! The kids love that. 

So, I might need new glasses today. In fact, I'm pretty sure I will. But I'm glad I finally feel good about seeing my eye doc, my brother's old friend today. 

The Bigger Picture

After a few weeks of arguing, complaining, disappointing setbacks, poor weather, and busy schedules, we finally managed to get a few family photos. (Sigh of relief)

I had to photograph my computer screen...still no wifi..and still having trouble with all things computer...sigh of frustration. 

This is real life, in case you were wondering. Don't be fooled by those smiling faces. We are a family going through hard things just like you. We have teenagers. We are preparing for the so-called empty nest. We have more things "to do" than time to do them, and fun seems to always come last. There has been more fighting lately as independence is being sought and wings are being spread...I try not to take it personally, but oh, my friends, it is so hard. 

Thank God for the strength of our team. My husband is my constant. Through every battle, we face them together. It is not an easy time, and there are still some good times tucked in here and there. But parenting teens as a whole, I don't think it's supposed to be like bringing a newborn home from the hospital. Wink wink. Lots of crying...different kind of tears.  God willing, we will all survive this. 

An acquaintance of mine recently saw me at a football game, and judging only on my appearance and the smile on my face, she said, "I saw you, and I thought, you look so good. Yup. You're happy."

I wasn't sure how to answer that, so I just said simply, "thank you".  The last time I had seen her was a month after my brother passed, and I couldn't even tell her about it. I just told her things weren't good and because we were at the band concert, I couldn't talk about it without crying. 

Appearances can be deceiving. I've lost 55 pounds, and everyone tells me how great I look. But what they don't know is how difficult it is for me to want to eat. How if I work out just a bit too much, I drop too much weight, and I can't afford to lose much more. They don't know that I have so many health problems and I am not getting relief from most of them. A smile is deceiving.  I have to fight looming depression every day. Along with fighting life itself. I get tired. Some of these symptoms are seizure and medication related, but I'm suspicious that anxiety may be responsible for some of it as well. Just call me Sherlock. 

I have learned that people I thought "had it all" don't have what or who they need at all. 

I am grateful to find real people like that, because people who only give you the "highlights reel" of their lives don't lend much comfort. That same acquaintance at the football game makes a lot of assumptions about me. I really like her and our busy lives have just not allowed us to become real friends and get in to each other's lives personally. But she always seems to think I have it all together, based on my kids' accomplishments, the way my husband treats me at school functions, and the way I treat her when I see her. I always tell her the same thing. "I am real, just get to know me. You'll see!"

I am very real and can be both brutally honest and painfully private at the same time. Is there a word for that feeling, I wonder? I feel that a lot. 

However we ended up with our beautiful family pictures, it ended up being a fun time. It was freezing, Angel kept wandering in and "photobombing " us, and I got a workout using the self-timer on the camera. Ten seconds is not a lot of time to run and get in position, but it made everyone laugh. And laughter is what we all need right now to get us through yet another painful time. 

I'm waiting...waiting to see what God's purpose is for these past few years of loss, sickness, surgery, death, and meanwhile being grateful for the blessings in between. 

Because life can also be deceiving. Things can look really bad...but keep looking until you find the good. It just takes a really long time. 

Anniversary

Steve and I celebrated our 21st anniversary last Thursday. The celebration began first at home with a delicious dinner prepared by Steve (his request), then followed by a train trip on Friday. 

I have loved trains since I grew up one block from the train tracks, and have always wanted to ride on a train. I often fall asleep trying to remember that sound of the train whistle that lulled me to sleep as a child or comforted me when I was sick in the night. The gentle rattle of the windows letting me imagine where the train was going and waiting to hear that long whistle that let me know it was leaving town. 

This train was pretty old, with water damaged wooden walls and floors, old windows, and original seats. We could have chosen to ride in an open car, but I wanted the true train experience of riding inside. Although it was billed as a "color tour", we really didn't see much color. You really do get what you pay for. But the most exciting thing was hearing that whistle when the train left town!! 

However disappointing the view, we enjoyed each other's company to the fullest, and we giggled inside at the couples in their 60's in front and behind us. They were busy taking "selfies", trying to catch a good picture of themselves in a kiss so they could post themselves "smoochy-pooing" on facebook. Oh, that "Marty" and his silly eye that kept looking at the camera and ruining the picture...hahaha...and the picture taking would start all over...kissing sounds and all. I can only hope that in another 20 years Steve and I are still that much in love. Although, we are a bit more private and reserved. They probably thought we were such a boring younger couple!! Just sitting between them talking quietly...:)

One view out my window. We went over a lake, which entirely made me nervous. I didn't like that at all! 

We made a stop in a nearby town for a cider and donut snack. We rode in the orange car. On the way back, the train just reversed, so we switched out seat direction, and Marty and his wife sat behind us again. You guessed it...smoochy poo!! :) they were so cute. 

The trip wasn't perfect, of course. It took us awhile to find a place to eat, as we had never visited the area before, but we had the best pizza we had ever eaten. When we got to the hotel, it was pretty disappointing. It wasn't very clean. Again, you get what you pay for. But the traveling caught up to me and I got a migraine, so instead of exploring the town, I went to sleep. Yep. That's a normal thing for me and Steve, unfortunately. 

But the next day we went to an orchard and picked fresh apples, found a great place and had lunch, and made our way home. 

And after 21 years of marriage, he still likes to hold my hand in the car. Priceless. :)

Whirlwinds

It seems I am always so tired these days. Not just physically tired, but mentally drained! My mind is going a million miles a minute. But we've been busy. Parents of teens. Whee! What a ride! 

Homecoming was wonderful. Natalie and her dear friend Grace sweetly congratulated their best friend Jessie, who was crowned queen. I have many beautiful pictures and memories of a wonderful day spent with our 2 girls. Steve took the day off and we savored every moment with them. They looked spectacular together! They had a great time as "royalty for a day". 

Natalie was also recently elected president of the National Honor Society, and Serena is in the process of being inducted into it. It will be yet another wonderful moment they will share as sisters. 

This was our dream, though having two children close together (22 months apart) was not easy. We wanted our kids to experience family, school, and life as a team. This has been their experience, though with its normal bumps and bruises of growing up. But I won't go there...things are good right now!  

My experience growing up the much younger of 4, sometimes 5, I didn't get the "sibling relationship" at all. I was more "only child" than youngest.

Being able to watch them just be sisters has been both new and wonderful to me. I grew up in a big family, but I didn't have the bond, the closeness, and the friendship that my girls share. I hope they know that even when they drive each other crazy that this life they've been able to experience together is a gift. 

I tell them not to take it for granted, to treasure these days, and to look forward to many more. I pray they will, because I would give anything to have had what they have, and what they will build because of it. The future families that will grow and benefit from their bond. All the things I want for them. Lots and lots of love and family. 

Beautiful girls. Inside, outside, now and always. And more fun days ahead for us. 

Homecoming

Just popping in the door for a quick hello! I don't even have time to change into my cardigan, friends! 

It's Homecoming week at school, and both girls were selected for court, as some of you already know! Serena is representing her Sophomore class, and Natalie is standing with 2 of her very best friends on Queen's court. So, lots and lots of busy stuff here in the neighborhood with dresses, hair appointment making, spirit week, planning, and loss of sleep! 

Tomorrow is the big day. Two assemblies, pictures, parade, the game, and crowning of the King and Queen. 

Natalie is so happy to have been chosen for court for the second time, and being with her two besties, that she really doesn't care who gets the crown at the end. Her goal for her senior year is to embrace and enjoy every moment. Funny, that's ours as her parents too! 

Serena is enjoying her moments too, seeing how fast and fleeting high school really is. I told them over and over...don't miss anything!! Go to your dances, spend time with your classmates, get to know everybody, sign up for the things you want to try. Life is literally right around the corner...4 years is a blink.

So, I've got to get popping back out to prepare lunches and dinners in advance for the next 2 busy days! 

Answers

And He answers...in the way that only He can. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but an answer always somewhere at the appointed time. 

Though on the outside, life has rattled me a bit with lots of planning and thinking and running around, somehow I know it will all work out. 

Because daily I continue to lean on the only peace I have. While losing Jeff tied up my heart and my tongue for awhile, my Spirit was still praying and pulling for me. I knew this, though daily I felt such distance, heartache, and confusion.

I know now in my heart the verse in action...

The one at the front of my Bible study folder...the one written in my own handwriting....

"Consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:2-4

All along my trials, I have been concerned about my faith and my prayer life. My prayers seemed contrived and without conviction. I finally stopped. But I think my heart continued, and I think my tears spoke volumes. I need my faith and my love for God to be genuine in order for my relationship with Christ to be honest and real to me. 

This, to me, is where healing and strength, growth, and the sharing of my faith can be honest on the outside too. 

Thank you to those who were praying for me. I felt those prayers, and I felt a prompting to make some major changes that have begun to help me make better decisions for myself. 

I am most grateful for your influence and leading in my life. :) 

Need

My world just keeps getting smaller! I haven't been blogging as I would like to, and as I need to, nor have I been able to keep up with reading blogs, because we STILL don't have an Internet company. :(

So, I have limited data use on my new phone plan...ugh. And I live in the woods...and I don't see my friends...and life is, well...a little quiet, yet loud inside my head. 

I am in need of something...Natalie will be a senior, Steve's job just gets more demanding, transforming him into a new person it seems. Serena-driving-when did she get her training wheels off her bike? And me? I have been through some terrible things these past two years and yet I feel terribly the same. 

I am in need of something that doesn't say wife or mother or medical patient...yet I keep tagging my failures of each of those things into myself as weight that keeps me from the successes I need to move on as a whole PERSON. 

I am in need of courage. Strength. Confidence. So much love...

I need Him. 

Time

It's unavoidable...the shopping has started, the sunflowers have bloomed, and the apples are on the trees. Natalie's senior year will begin very soon. I'm not sure I'm ready to put words to this much-dreaded for me, much-anticipated for her year. 

It just happened very fast, as everyone said it would, and as in my heart, I knew it would. High school has been a blur. Just like the fast-moving train my own high school years were so many years ago. 

Time is a thief. Life is short, and even as I say it, and I try to enjoy each moment, the ordinary everyday pace of a life well-savored will still vanish like a puff of smoke. 

So I will just ride the ride and hold on as much as I can. And when it's time to let go....well, let's just deal with today. 

I'm Still Here

Hello! I'm still here...can you tell I upgraded my phone? No...you cannot! You also don't know that it took about 16 hours at my parents' house to do just that!  And most things transferred just fine except for one problem. I have forgotten my email password. This is terrible! My many attempts to fix this problem and contact yahoo have failed. So much for technology. So what to do next? Find a good hacker! :)

Speaking of technology, we are still without home internet. This is because the company that is "hoping to move into our area by April...mid-May...June...Oh wait...end of July...hmmm...sometime in August...." Has still not materialized in our area. You would think internet towers would be like telephone poles in the old days by now-a dime a dozen. And yes, there are other options besides waiting for this company, but they don't have a good reputation at all. 

So, we wait, with not much patience, as we are soon to begin the school year without Internet. Ugh. 

Patience. I've had to have a lot of that lately, as I've been dealing with yet another medical issue since December. After multiple tests yielded no solid answers, but also no bad news, I am still left with troubling symptoms. 

The latest specialist is confounded and is seeing me in 2 months. In the meantime, 2 new medications. 

On the good side, my seizure issue seems to be under control and hopefully will stay that way. 

I have a long to-do list to finish and could really use some good health. As I told my husband last night, I don't know why I have dealt with sickness most of my life and why others also deal with it. Some people just seem to have everything while others just struggle for a little. If I felt as good as others, wow, I could get everything done. That kind of stinks, but I just keep going anyway. I've always worked sick, studied sick, raised kids sick. It's not that I accept it. I just live in spite of it. When I feel well, I say, this must be how others feel. It makes me appreciate life. 

But I don't like technology so much. ;) 

A Berry Good Day

Saturday...blueberry picking with the family, plus adopted family Hayley and Brandon. Oh, who am I kidding? Everyone who comes through our door becomes part of our family eventually. :) 

Serena found this one with the little heart in the center! 

Brandon gave me this little heart-shaped one. 

After all that help, I had a very busy afternoon! 

It was very fun to pick berries with Steve's mom too. She hadn't picked berries since she was a child. Everyone had a great time and berries to take home as well. 

Be Kind to Kids

One of my unspoken personal rules is to always be kind and helpful to children. You don't necessarily have to be "good with kids" to have a heart for them or know how to treat them. I just believe you should always leave children better than how you found them if at all possible. While waiting to pick up Serena, 

I had an opportunity to have a short chat with a young man I've known since he was about 4 years old. He's much older now, but I've always enjoyed our small interactions. A somewhat troubled youth, not all of his interactions with adults have been positive.  After picking up my daughter, she mentioned that to me. I told her my banana bike story again. 

When I was learning to use my foot brakes, I went over to my best friend Patty's house because she had a nice long driveway on a quieter street. There was always a car or two in the driveway because her mom was a school teacher and was home for the summer. Often times she would have the same friend over during the day, Mrs. X, we'll call her. 

On this particular day, I was learning to balance on my two wheeler while braking and trying to put a foot down. I was trying to teach myself because my parents were gone all day and I was a determined child. ;) 

In learning this new skill, I kept crashing into Mrs.X's  car. Now, I was as tiny as could be at probably 7 or 8 years old and shy as a mouse. She came stomping out of the house, red-faced and yelling at me before she even saw that that there was no damage to her car. Just lots of damage to my little spirit. It was so long ago, but I never forgot it, and she was not kind to me as a child, so I avoided her when she was at my friend's house. 

Serena piped up to add, "I know her! She was mean to me too! She never got my name right at school!" 

I went on to explain to Serena how important it is to a child to use understanding and kindness. If only she had stepped out, realized that what I lacked was instruction, she could have been a hero! 

She could have spent 5 minutes teaching me to ride my bike, speaking kind words of encouragement to me, and she could have left a positive impression on a child that is never forgotten. I wasn't being naughty, I just couldn't steer my bike. Some people just lack insight with children and it's really sad for the adult and the child. 

Children never forget. They don't forget who hurt them, and they don't forget who cared and spent time loving them. 

I think Serena got it, and she is already way more blessed with kind adults, and for that, this adult is grateful. 

She will have great stories to tell my grandchildren one day. 

Goodbye Miracle Tree

If you've followed previous posts, you've heard about our "miracle tree". She has stood for years and years, through many storms, and has certainly provided many families with her bounty. Through some odd miracle, apples continued to grow on a tree that seemed to have no trunk to even sustain it's own life. She was a symbol of hope. 

Recently we found she couldn't stand any longer. Her trunk has fallen, laying bare, but her branches are still full of the apples from the blossoms she made in the spring. 

Life is a miracle. All life. However long it may last, whether it is here for a moment or for a lifetime. Whether it is holding on by a thread, or with all of it's might. 

Life is hope. 

Little Things

Nothing is ever random to me. Everything means something. Hang around me long enough and it will either inspire you or drive you nuts. :) 

Serena left me this change she found in the shape of a heart so I would see it the morning I left for Ann Arbor. :)

This is the lily my sister brought me last year when I was so down. These are the same color and type of lilies used at my wedding, so they always bring me joy. They bloomed beautifully this year, their first year. :) 

This little heart was on the sidewalk outside the Brighton medical center where Natalie has her spine check-ups. Serena pointed it out to me, and I said to her, "that one was for you!" :) 

I wasn't feeling well at the hotel, so Steve walked up to the lobby desk where they had a small snack pantry and asked to purchase a Coke. She handed him this one, with the name of my brother's youngest son. I sat and drank my coke, thinking of the three boys, one in heaven, and two, just getting ready to go to the concert of their dad's favorite band, The Eagles. How appropriate. 

As we left the shopping mall, I looked to my right and saw this beautiful sky just seconds after my Facebook messenger "pinged". As I opened my message, it was a picture of the sunset, but not this one. My adopted brother has a new habit of sending me pictures of sunsets now and then because they are beautiful at his house and absent at mine. I told him maybe he should publish them, and so I agreed not to post his pictures, but they are far more beautiful than this one, and they always lift my spirits. 

Simple joys are the best. People say that with such nonchalance, but really think about all you do in a day and what really touched you. It's not going to be the big things. 

Hubby's latest bunch of flowers. He also bought some for my mom. :) 

Stick around. I'll drive you nuts with this stuff. ;) 

The Weekend

After a very busy week of downstate appointments, and a college tour at Lawrence Technological University, we finished off the week with a wedding barbecue. Our flower girl was married in Mexico in March, and unfortunately we couldn't attend the ceremony. I just happened to catch a heart-shaped cloud floating over Chippewa Lake during the party. I couldn't resist, since you may remember, hearts find me everywhere. 

After the party, we decided to drive a few miles over to my brother Jeff's alma mater, FSU, which was actually FSC when he attended back in the fall of '82. I don't know why as a 13 year old I never got to take the trip over to see his dorm or apartment. It escapes me now, however, I do remember my mom taking me to get my ears pierced on my 13th birthday, and I broke down crying over my lunch right there at the mall!  Not because my ears hurt, but because my brother had just left for college and I missed him already. 

Life certainly is interesting the older I get. 

"-ist" appointment #2

Another appointment today, but this one not as successful as yesterday. So...a procedure and a test are scheduled and hopefully some answers will follow. 

I'm sure getting tired of these visits and would rather be visiting with people I don't have to pay to see me. 

But as my new saying goes- "it is what it is. Oh well...". 

It's my Charlie Brown approach to life. Good grief! :) 

Taking My Doc Visit to Heart

We headed back to Ann Arbor today to see my neurologist at the U of M Hospital. 

The last time I saw him was in January, and I had just had some troubling seizure symptoms reappear, was dealing with some anxiety (typical of my diagnosis), and still reeling from the loss of my brother and was dealing with depression as well. 

Today I walked in his office a new woman. Anxiety free, I was finally able to ask him the questions I had once feared asking- "can I watch fireworks? Will flashing lights bring on seizures? What if I see strobe lights at concerts?" Among other questions. Have I mentioned that this doctor has been a godsend? He told me to "stay out of clubs" (I laughed-what are "clubs"- I live in a rural area!) because strobe lights aren't good for anyone! Haha...and yes, I can enjoy fireworks, but because of the nature of my seizures and the connection to my migraine issue, lights are not always my friend. But most of all, he said in his kind, matter-of-fact way, "live your life. Don't try to control this. Enjoy yourself." He's a really cool guy. Totally what I need. 

I am also 48 pounds lighter, among feeling lighter from my burdens as well. 

I have been active in my garden, riding my bike, working out, getting strong, and fighting my demons one at a time. 

And all along, I am giving credit also to the loss of my dear brother, who left me way too soon. He was vibrant, fun-loving, energetic, and loving life. That is what I need to be, and to do that, I need to be as healthy as I can be. I'm not sure what caused him to leave us, but I will take care of myself in his honor, and that is what has been driving me since the Christmas I spent with his wife and kids last year. 

Something changed in me when he passed. One day I will be able to put words to it. Right now, I am putting action into it and getting myself in the best shape I can be for as long as I am allowed to be here on earth. 

Photogenic: Day 30

Today is the last day of my 30 day "Photogenic" series. 

Today I finish it with a trip to Natalie's "crazy" garden. 

Each year for the past couple of years, Natalie has planted a garden where her great grandma's old house once stood right down the road from us. 

One year she tried tomato farming. Another year it was pumpkins. 

This year she decided to grow colorful and weird things, such as purple beans, blue potatoes, warty pumpkins, and other strange things. 

It has given her not only something positive to focus on, but also the pleasure of watching something grow and being able to share it with family and friends. 

Those are Serena's hands, harboring the tiny toad she found hopping about under the pumpkin vines. 

I'm so glad my girls enjoy the great outdoors. 

Photogenic: Day 29

This piano was purchased with the idea that I would take piano lessons. That was in 1997. I became pregnant that same year, and it became all about the kids after that! 

Natalie took her first lesson at age 4, and is now more self-taught, and enjoys playing when she feels like it. It's no longer a "chore" to practice. 

We placed the dish by the piano to encourage the girls to play for us, and one day Natalie and Brandon played a duet that Natalie taught him within minutes! So we walked in and placed the money in the dish as they played. They loved it! 

They were so proud of their song, and honestly, what is better than a home filled with happy, music-making teenagers? 

Photogenic: Day 28

I'm finally making my rounds to all the appointments I've delayed since my seizures started. 

One of my most memorable ones was October 2013 as I was driving to my dentist appointment. I arrived a bit confused and in a pre-seizure aura state. My new hygienist sensed something was off when I didn't answer her "how are you" question quite right. 

As she took me back to the room, she told me she was also a registered nurse and that she was going to have me rest a bit and if I still felt funny, she'd take care of it. (Call 911)

So today, that same hygienist took me back to do my health review and she remembered that day with me. She was pretty shocked by all that I had been through since then. I don't talk about Jeff to people, especially people I don't know, but today I mentioned to her that I lost my brother 8 months ago. I surprised myself. 

Then she surprised me. 

"I lost my brother too. 52 years old. Massive heart attack." Tears filled her eyes as she went on to say that her big brother passed just one day after their family had all gathered together to celebrate their parents' 60th wedding anniversary. They were all on vacation together and he died in his sleep.  

We sat there in knowing silence together for a moment. 

Then she said what I always think. 

"People have told me they have lost siblings, and I just have never thought about it, but now. It's really hard, isn't it? No one really talks about this, do they? "

We both relayed our mutual thoughts, and shared our hearts right there in the dental exam room while waiting for the dentist to come in. 

Before I left, she approached me and asked if she could hug me. Of course I agreed! She told me I made her feel so much better. Her brother has been gone for 3 years and mine for 8 months, but for both of us it feels like only yesterday. 

The one thing I said to her was that our brothers were healed now and that we were the broken ones. The pain we feel is for us and not for them. Each day we spend on earth is just one day closer to the day we get to see them again. 

And no, it doesn't make any sense. No sense at all. And we're mad some days, sad every day. Confused. And we won't "get over it." Ever. Grief is for as long as we are alive, though mourning may end. 

The job for others? Love. 

Thank you, God, for love in a dentist's chair. 

Photogenic: Day 27

Rainy day daisies! Thankful for rain, although I was out working in the garden when a torrential downpour caught me off guard! 

Now I'm thankful for my fast feet that got me back to the house and the dry clothes that awaited. :) 

Photogenic: Day 26

Dinner is served! 

Serena loves cooking, and I couldn't be happier about this!! 

Tonight she used the leftover grilled shrimp from last night and made shrimp tacos. They were fabulous and every ingredient was homemade except for the tortillas. She certainly is a natural in the kitchen! Yum! 

Photogenic: Day 25

...I knew I would get these days all messed up before I'd get to my day 30 goal! Oh well...

The daisies are in bloom off my patio, and I love the way the big maples cast big shadows in the back yard. I love how we built this house in the middle of a pine forest, but somehow managed to be blessed with a yard full of beautiful mature maple trees. My personal favorite. 

Oh, and I love these daisies too. Simple and sweet. :) 

Photogenic: Day 23

I picked up Angel's food bowl this morning, and as I carried it to the sink, I noticed 3 little pieces of dog food were stuck in an "eyes and nose" formation, and as I carried the bowl, the rest of the loose food slid into a smile! 

Only I would notice such a funny thing....I see things like this all the time. :) 

Photogenic: Day 23

I had an unexpected visitor today, and it turned out to be a very nice visit. I had noticed this little heart on my stepping stone path earlier in the day, and as I watched my visitor leave, I smiled and knew why the path was blessed today. 

Photogenic: Day 22

I worked outside today...very grateful I can do this now! 

Photogenic: Day 21

This was my prep for today's medical testing. I had to drink this water and retain it for 2 hours while I had an ultrasound of my bladder and kidneys. 

This is just another step in figuring out a 7 month mystery! 

Another challenge. I have a few going on, but apparently I was cut out for it. 

It wasn't fun, but there are worse things people go through! 

Photogenic: Day 20

Several months ago, Hubs decided I needed fresh flowers all the time. :) 

This week they are the most fragrant, beautiful roses... I wish you could smell the pink ones. 

He also added an iTunes card. 

I'm grateful for his love and friendship and the way he cares for my heart. :)

Photogenic: Day 19

Our family cottage was purchased when I was 9 years old. At that time, my parents bought all of us kids (the 4 living there at the time) toothbrushes and used a label maker to put our names on them. 

This trip to the cottage was hard, as it marked the first of many cottage trips that will be shared without my brother Jeff. We reminisced a bit, but the loss is still fresh, and it was hard at times to complete a thought. 

I was in the tiny bathroom getting ready when I remembered the toothbrushes. A rush of hope went through me as I reached for the cup, and found only two toothbrushes left. 

I was surprised and touched that the only two left out of all the kids were his and mine. I tearfully snapped the picture and put them back.