Much to Say

Spring is sort of making it's way here in the way of birds singing and snow melting, but I find myself a little stuck in winter still. 

I have that feeling of having so much on my mind that I have everything and nothing to say. I am in that space of wanting spring to come, but resenting life for going on. A bit confusing. 

It's kind of like thinking you are lonely so you spend time with people only to leave feeling more alone. Ironic, isn't it? 

It's enjoying beautiful music, but not listening to the words, because that's where the song really hits you. 

It's living halfway. 

Looking like yourself to everyone else, but you know...

And it's never just about your loss. It's about the other "stuff" too. And there is so much "stuff" that you can't deal with just one thing at a time. 

So you get so much on your mind that you have everything and nothing to say. 

So I'm quiet, but I have much to say. I just can't say it yet. 

Icicle or Peach

The birds are singing this morning, and the temperature was much better yesterday, but I hesitate to call this spring-like weather! It's nothing like Steve experienced in Georgia last week. He is preparing for a trip to Texas soon, but it will be a shorter one. 

The offer was put up again for us to move to Georgia, and at this time it is still optional. Because it is optional and we have 2 girls in high school, we are turning it down for now. However, there could come a time where we no longer have a choice or where it may suit us better to move, so it's still a possibility in the next couple of years. I'm hoping to get both girls through school before it happens, but if not, we are trusting God that He has a better plan for us in Georgia. 

I am open to the change in many ways, fearful for some, but at this stage in my life, it's all opportunity-driven. Our family agrees that changes would be good for all of us, and that some of us need more than others. As a whole, we will be fine as long as we are together. 

I'm glad we've been given a lot of time to think about it, as some people have not. One family just finished building a new house and got notice that his job had moved down there! At least their children aren't in school yet. So, lots of blessings here and there. God is looking out for us. 

I'll be fine whether I'm a Michigan icicle or a Georgia peach. :) 

Brrrr

Thank you for your prayers yesterday. Steve made it to Georgia safely yesterday and enjoyed a high of 77 degrees! 

However, I woke up to a low of -4. Ugh! 

It's hard to believe right now that in just a few months, the pool will be thawed and swim-ready! We have certainly been in the traps of a deep freeze winter for a long time now. 

So. Ready. For. Spring. 

And ready for Steve to come home! I didn't sleep well at all last night! 

Peace v. Stress

Steve is traveling to Georgia, and I find myself an anxious mess. This is the part of grief I have encountered time and time again. Fear of losing another person I love. It has been nerve-wracking to let my family out of my sight! Yes, I pray for them, and I prayed for Steve, but I find myself looking for "clues", as my sister-in-law found after my brother passed. The voice memo text he sent me, the photo of him on the plane, the words I said to him this morning that I didn't expect to say...it all kind of added to my anxiety. 

Why do I do this to myself? I don't let myself have the peace I know God wants me to have. I'm too busy trying to control my own self! Ugh! 

Back to my knees I go. ;)