The Eyes

I'm headed to my eye doctor for the first time in 2 years. I initially cancelled my appointment when I was having panic attacks. Then lost my brother and needed to avoid my optometrist. He and my brother attended high school and college together, and he is one of the kindest people. I just couldn't look at him. Ugh. 

So today I have to go because I'm having trouble seeing! That happens when you get a little older apparently. My dear kind husband gave doc the heads up and he won't mention my brother unless I do. Crying at an eye appointment...a little counterproductive! ;)

I took the above "self-portrait" a few weeks ago, and my first thought was about how the type of seizures I have affect the vision. It should have been how cool the sun reflected the blue in my eyes. That, my friends is completely unedited! I have a hyper pigmentation in that eye also, which I have always called "my fire"! The kids love that. 

So, I might need new glasses today. In fact, I'm pretty sure I will. But I'm glad I finally feel good about seeing my eye doc, my brother's old friend today. 

The Bigger Picture

After a few weeks of arguing, complaining, disappointing setbacks, poor weather, and busy schedules, we finally managed to get a few family photos. (Sigh of relief)

I had to photograph my computer screen...still no wifi..and still having trouble with all things computer...sigh of frustration. 

This is real life, in case you were wondering. Don't be fooled by those smiling faces. We are a family going through hard things just like you. We have teenagers. We are preparing for the so-called empty nest. We have more things "to do" than time to do them, and fun seems to always come last. There has been more fighting lately as independence is being sought and wings are being spread...I try not to take it personally, but oh, my friends, it is so hard. 

Thank God for the strength of our team. My husband is my constant. Through every battle, we face them together. It is not an easy time, and there are still some good times tucked in here and there. But parenting teens as a whole, I don't think it's supposed to be like bringing a newborn home from the hospital. Wink wink. Lots of crying...different kind of tears.  God willing, we will all survive this. 

An acquaintance of mine recently saw me at a football game, and judging only on my appearance and the smile on my face, she said, "I saw you, and I thought, you look so good. Yup. You're happy."

I wasn't sure how to answer that, so I just said simply, "thank you".  The last time I had seen her was a month after my brother passed, and I couldn't even tell her about it. I just told her things weren't good and because we were at the band concert, I couldn't talk about it without crying. 

Appearances can be deceiving. I've lost 55 pounds, and everyone tells me how great I look. But what they don't know is how difficult it is for me to want to eat. How if I work out just a bit too much, I drop too much weight, and I can't afford to lose much more. They don't know that I have so many health problems and I am not getting relief from most of them. A smile is deceiving.  I have to fight looming depression every day. Along with fighting life itself. I get tired. Some of these symptoms are seizure and medication related, but I'm suspicious that anxiety may be responsible for some of it as well. Just call me Sherlock. 

I have learned that people I thought "had it all" don't have what or who they need at all. 

I am grateful to find real people like that, because people who only give you the "highlights reel" of their lives don't lend much comfort. That same acquaintance at the football game makes a lot of assumptions about me. I really like her and our busy lives have just not allowed us to become real friends and get in to each other's lives personally. But she always seems to think I have it all together, based on my kids' accomplishments, the way my husband treats me at school functions, and the way I treat her when I see her. I always tell her the same thing. "I am real, just get to know me. You'll see!"

I am very real and can be both brutally honest and painfully private at the same time. Is there a word for that feeling, I wonder? I feel that a lot. 

However we ended up with our beautiful family pictures, it ended up being a fun time. It was freezing, Angel kept wandering in and "photobombing " us, and I got a workout using the self-timer on the camera. Ten seconds is not a lot of time to run and get in position, but it made everyone laugh. And laughter is what we all need right now to get us through yet another painful time. 

I'm waiting...waiting to see what God's purpose is for these past few years of loss, sickness, surgery, death, and meanwhile being grateful for the blessings in between. 

Because life can also be deceiving. Things can look really bad...but keep looking until you find the good. It just takes a really long time. 

Anniversary

Steve and I celebrated our 21st anniversary last Thursday. The celebration began first at home with a delicious dinner prepared by Steve (his request), then followed by a train trip on Friday. 

I have loved trains since I grew up one block from the train tracks, and have always wanted to ride on a train. I often fall asleep trying to remember that sound of the train whistle that lulled me to sleep as a child or comforted me when I was sick in the night. The gentle rattle of the windows letting me imagine where the train was going and waiting to hear that long whistle that let me know it was leaving town. 

This train was pretty old, with water damaged wooden walls and floors, old windows, and original seats. We could have chosen to ride in an open car, but I wanted the true train experience of riding inside. Although it was billed as a "color tour", we really didn't see much color. You really do get what you pay for. But the most exciting thing was hearing that whistle when the train left town!! 

However disappointing the view, we enjoyed each other's company to the fullest, and we giggled inside at the couples in their 60's in front and behind us. They were busy taking "selfies", trying to catch a good picture of themselves in a kiss so they could post themselves "smoochy-pooing" on facebook. Oh, that "Marty" and his silly eye that kept looking at the camera and ruining the picture...hahaha...and the picture taking would start all over...kissing sounds and all. I can only hope that in another 20 years Steve and I are still that much in love. Although, we are a bit more private and reserved. They probably thought we were such a boring younger couple!! Just sitting between them talking quietly...:)

One view out my window. We went over a lake, which entirely made me nervous. I didn't like that at all! 

We made a stop in a nearby town for a cider and donut snack. We rode in the orange car. On the way back, the train just reversed, so we switched out seat direction, and Marty and his wife sat behind us again. You guessed it...smoochy poo!! :) they were so cute. 

The trip wasn't perfect, of course. It took us awhile to find a place to eat, as we had never visited the area before, but we had the best pizza we had ever eaten. When we got to the hotel, it was pretty disappointing. It wasn't very clean. Again, you get what you pay for. But the traveling caught up to me and I got a migraine, so instead of exploring the town, I went to sleep. Yep. That's a normal thing for me and Steve, unfortunately. 

But the next day we went to an orchard and picked fresh apples, found a great place and had lunch, and made our way home. 

And after 21 years of marriage, he still likes to hold my hand in the car. Priceless. :)

Whirlwinds

It seems I am always so tired these days. Not just physically tired, but mentally drained! My mind is going a million miles a minute. But we've been busy. Parents of teens. Whee! What a ride! 

Homecoming was wonderful. Natalie and her dear friend Grace sweetly congratulated their best friend Jessie, who was crowned queen. I have many beautiful pictures and memories of a wonderful day spent with our 2 girls. Steve took the day off and we savored every moment with them. They looked spectacular together! They had a great time as "royalty for a day". 

Natalie was also recently elected president of the National Honor Society, and Serena is in the process of being inducted into it. It will be yet another wonderful moment they will share as sisters. 

This was our dream, though having two children close together (22 months apart) was not easy. We wanted our kids to experience family, school, and life as a team. This has been their experience, though with its normal bumps and bruises of growing up. But I won't go there...things are good right now!  

My experience growing up the much younger of 4, sometimes 5, I didn't get the "sibling relationship" at all. I was more "only child" than youngest.

Being able to watch them just be sisters has been both new and wonderful to me. I grew up in a big family, but I didn't have the bond, the closeness, and the friendship that my girls share. I hope they know that even when they drive each other crazy that this life they've been able to experience together is a gift. 

I tell them not to take it for granted, to treasure these days, and to look forward to many more. I pray they will, because I would give anything to have had what they have, and what they will build because of it. The future families that will grow and benefit from their bond. All the things I want for them. Lots and lots of love and family. 

Beautiful girls. Inside, outside, now and always. And more fun days ahead for us.