He Changed Me

Do you make New Year's Resolutions? I've probably mentioned this a time or two in the years I've been blogging, but I don't make them, nor do I "start diets"! 

Not anymore, anyway...

Last year at this time, i had just spent the first Christmas with my brother's wife and two sons, without my brother. I remember them walking through my front door and it was the most surreal experience. For one, my sister-in-law, in the 25 years of being married to my brother, had never come with him to a family visit, much less to my home. Jeff had only been to my home twice in the few years he had recently started coming back to see us again. 

As we made our way back to my parents home for the family gathering that day, I kept my mask of smiles on and held myself together, but inside was a storm, and it was about to blow. 

Part of that storm was realizing that I could easily be in Lisa's shoes. I could be a young widow. I could also leave someone a widower, as the obvious heart conditions were making themselves known in our family. 

I began to pray for health, even as my health was deteriorating at that time. I had a new condition beginning, which is still ongoing as I write this, but I became most concerned with my weight and my heart health, considering how Jeff had passed so suddenly. 

I didn't have to make a resolution about exercise, giving up sweets, drinking more water, eating healthy. It became so important to me to do those things because I could see the pain in those three faces and I felt it. There was nothing I could do to change it for them, and as much as I nag Steve about his eating habits, it has to come from him. This change came from God helping me to do what I could do. 

When I mentioned to my neurologist that my medication was making me lose weight, he said, "could be, but you have a really healthy lifestyle". I was so used to diet failures of the past that I couldn't even admit I finally did something right on my own! 

Sure, I don't eat a lot, but others point out to me, when you are smaller, you don't require as much fuel! Oh yeah...

So I can give the medicine all the credit I want, but the fact is, I'm putting in all the effort! I'm not eating junk. I'm exercising. Plain and simple. I want to be here and do what I can for those faces who look to me for everything they need. 

My brother's influence in my life was short on earth, but will live on in me as I continue to stay healthy and hopefully stick around for his boys too. 

Don't make "resolutions". Look around you and see what changes you. 

Hearts Find Me

These are just a few hearts that I have seen or have had sent to me over the past year.  Actually, only one was sent, and it was the first one a friend had ever sent me, upon hearing of my heart "deliveries". 

I find it ironic that I'm a "finder of hearts", or rather, hearts find me, as I always say. Because these hearts are intact, spontaneous, beautiful, and surprising, while mine still feels unsteady and a bit misshapen at times. It has plenty of love, for sure, it's just a little bruised, kind of like this: 

My sister is always in awe of these hearts that find me, and she often asks, "why do you think this happens to you?" She's not the only one who wonders. Many people ask me that very question. 

I've often wondered that same thing, and I've begun trying to pinpoint the time I started noticing their arrival. I photograph as many as I can, but to be honest, I see so many sometimes that I can't always photograph them all. I see them in ordinary places, odd places, in nature, in food, in shadows, reflections, clouds, pretty much everywhere, without trying to find them.  Do I just pay more attention? I am kind of the artsy fartsy, star-gazing, head in the ice-cream-shaped clouds type. I also see a million other tiny things most others don't notice, as I'm often told. Road trips with me are a long excursion! 

People have begun sending hearts to me, either by text or by Facebook message. Sometimes people will just tell me about a heart they saw that made them think of me. I've begun to stop and pay attention to who and what I'm thinking about when a heart finds me. It has been quite interesting. Interesting enough that I have stopped to think about that person more and what he or she means to me. Does this have significance? I don't know. 

Some of those hearts have caught me when I am feeling very sad and have served to lift me up, even just a little bit. I would like to think its God's message to me that even when I feel alone, let down, or whatever it is, that He is not going anywhere. Ever. I've needed that message my whole life, I suppose. 

While it's a beautiful mystery yet to be solved, there have been periods of time where I haven't seen any hearts at all. It's disappointing, yet I've never attempted to look for them. I've simply waited. Those times are also interesting. I've paid attention to the whos and the whats at those times too. Just to see if there are correlations. Sometimes it seems there are, but that could be coincidence, if you believe in that sort of thing. 

I've never been particularly fond of the heart shape or been much of girly girl, however, I am quite the romantic, so it is appealing to that part of me. I'm listening, Heart-Sender. I'm loving the hearts, but I don't understand the message just yet. I'm having fun with them and sharing them, and maybe that's the message. 

If you need something, give it away. And who couldn't use more love? 

Something to think about.