So I Had a Bad Day...but...

Well, today didn't go as planned. As much as I expected a "down" day after a bad migraine, I didn't expect the surprise of my old foe, anxiety. Sure, I was a little frustrated over the dog barking incessantly, and the phone ringing when I was trying to rest. I was annoyed that I was still feeling sick after being sick since before Labor Day, and enough is enough, but I haven't felt "this" in a long time, and quite honestly, nothing scares me worse than the thought or the creeping feeling of a panic attack. Nothing. Especially when I'm home alone, with no one to convince me that I'm not dying of a heart attack, because that's what it feels like.

This is one of the things I didn't talk about before. It's something I avoided telling people about, because to tell it is to relive it, if you've ever been through one. But today was a near miss, and I learned something about myself by making it through a very rough day on my own. I keep my pain to myself too much. I always have. And while I share from time to time here on my blog, what you get is mostly my "people-friendly" version of the story. You get the surface.

Today was slightly different as I went through my difficulty. I texted my husband multiple times, telling him I was afraid...I don't like how I feel...this isn't good...I texted my mom to tell her I had been sick for 2 days with a horrible migraine. I let her make me dinner, which I would normally never do. I texted 2 of my friends and told them I wasn't feeling well, one of them a fellow anxiety/panic survivor, who said, "why didn't you call me?" And she was right. Why didn't I just call? Why do I think I have to do this on my own?  Why do I hide? It just adds to the fear.

Sometimes it's others' expectations that it's not okay to fall apart. It's not okay to complain. There's something wrong with having a problem. Well, I  don't tell everyone my problems. I tell people who care, and I am ready for them if they need to tell me. And for a long time, I suffered in silence, thinking my anxiety and panic were the result of my own weakness. How wrong I was. There are actual physical reasons for this, and there are reasons beyond our understanding. Sometimes they can occur in a seemingly calm and normal setting. Sometimes they happen because of dehydration, low blood sugar, mitral valve prolapse, exhaustion, thyroid problems, or a host of other physical reasons. And yes, they can be the result of stress and a lack of rest, and I'll cop to some of those things. Good stress is stress, all the same.

I'm sharing with you today not to whine, complain, get attention, or for any other self-serving reason, but to let you know that it's okay to share your pain. I know that I'm on this earth to carry someone else's burden with them, and I hope that others would share their burdens with me. How else would I know how to help them? I have this experience to share with someone who may be sitting there thinking the way I used to think, which kept me immobilized for much longer than I needed to be, feeling things I shouldn't have been feeling for way too long.

I had a really bad day today. In fact, I've had a pretty rough week, but I'm still standing. I'm still blessed. I still have a smile on my face. I'm still getting up tomorrow to go do something fun, and hopefully I won't feel like a truck ran over my head again. But if it does, it does. I'll start over again the next day. There's always a blessing to be found in a day.

Migraine? No Problem...

"Focus on your blessings and not your problems."

I see this quote a lot, and have no choice but to focus on my blessings. My life has been a series of things not turning out the way I planned, and since there isn't a whole lot I can do about that, I look at the good things.

I also look at the bad things, not so much as "problems", but as "the way it is until it gets better", and maybe that's healthier than calling it a "problem"?

Like this past week. I haven't been feeling very well, but not too many people will know about it. In fact, just my mom, husband, and Serena knew. I had a slight "bug" while Natalie was home, and for the past few days, I've had a migraine that wouldn't go away, even with medication. I took a second dose of a medication that usually works with just one, and I was awake most of the night with pain and breathing problems.

This isn't my "problem", nor is it my "blessing". This is the way my life is and has been for many years. I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't ask for pity, I don't look for attention from everyone, and I don't make excuses. But this is something that has not been completely resolved with time or medication thus far, and I've had to adjust my life around it. Everybody has "something". This is my something.

As my husband reluctantly took me to town to print a picture I needed for my brother-in-law's benefit, I said to him, "I can do small things like this, but I know I would never make it through a school day or a work day anymore." To hear myself say that out loud is just a realization that although I am somewhat better than I used to be, I am not completely healed, and my life is still not "normal" like I want it to be. I still want to be fully functional. When I described my latest 8 day "low grade" migraine to my neurologist, he didn't seem shocked, and because I'm not trying to work, he doesn't want to mess with my medication at all. I don't do well on medication shifts...

So, for now, it is what it is, and I accept it as positively as I can, because the alternative is to be whatever that is. I don't know because I won't go there. Maybe I sound resolved or accepting of this as my life, but understand that I've been everywhere with this, and peace seems to be where I need to land. I do see the blessings, as the man I married is who God chose for me. He knew who I would need to care for me, and who I would be able to care for. Steve has said many times that he wants me home and not out working, because he wants me healthy, and he works hard so I am able to be here. Our kids have had the benefit of having me at home. So, while I haven't been the healthy woman I want to be, I see where God has provided and Steve feels I have been the one God sent for him too. So, even as ill as I've been, God has used me to care for someone else. This is my ultimate blessing, to have cared for my family. I always joke that maybe this illness was used to keep me tame, since I had a tendency to be a bit spirited when I was feeling well!

So another quote may fit here better, "It is what it is, but it will become what YOU make it", and I try to make the best of it. I am usually able to rest up after a long migraine, and for the most part, I don't have too many obligations anymore. I tend to stay away from those, because I can't stand letting people down. But I did get my photo done for the benefit, and I am excited to see who bids on it on Saturday. I feel good that I can at least do small things well. And a lot of small things can add up to a big success, at least for me.

A Dinner of Hearts

I had a migraine all day yesterday, and it was kind of a rough day. I didn't get anything on my list accomplished, and I really didn't feel like making dinner. 

Steve had a rough day at work too. His first week of the month days are always financial weeks, and they are pretty stressful, so I really felt guilty about not making dinner and taking care of my family like I usually do. 

He started making something pretty easy when he got home, and then went in to change clothes. 

Serena then stepped in to finish dinner, something she is more than capable of, and enjoys doing, but she had her college course homework to do also. 

Seeing dinner was being handled, Steve came in the living room to sit with me and see how I was doing. 

Minutes later, Serena walked in with a dish of food for me. I looked inside...

She had shaped my dinner into a heart. Then she said, "mom...if you post that on Facebook..." I told her first how sweet and thoughtful she was to do such a nice thing for me, and then said I wouldn't put it on FB. But I didn't say I wouldn't post it to my blog. :) 

She brought dinner to her dad too, and we all ate together in the living room. So much for a day being ruined by a migraine. I just keep getting blessed in spite of them. 

Fear for Courage

"Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision." It's a quote I recently posted on my facebook wall, but it's also a quote that has stuck on the wall of my mind. The words "fear" and "courage" have carried a lot of weight with me over the past few years. Life itself can be a mess of fears, or a plethora of challenges. It's all in how you approach it. It's not always easy to see a fear as a challenge, because as the quote states, "fear is a reaction." You see something scary, you jump out of the way. Well, at least I do. The problem is, sometimes we get caught up in jumping out of the way of things that aren't scary. They're just challenging us to do something that are good for us-we're just afraid to step out and do them. We use all kinds of stumbling blocks as "reasons" why we can't do something, until our fear is justified. Oh, come on. You know you've done that at least once in your life. Maybe you're over that stage in your life now, and if you are, then you know how to help someone else obliterate their own stumbling blocks.

I understand the reaction of fear most clearly in the form of illness, as I've dealt with some form of it for several years. I didn't really put the two words together- "fear" and "illness" until recently when I was put in a position to help someone going through something very similar to what I experienced when going through my own challenges. When I saw the same reaction from that person that I myself had, I suddenly realized why I went through all of those things. And while privacy prevents me from sharing those details with you, I will just confirm that we do go through things specifically so we can help someone else go through them. I am convinced of this.

The many months I spent paralyzed by fear was a time when no one could have convinced me that my fear was unfounded. It was real to me. To be told you have a seizure disorder and to not know what the future of that will mean, is very frightening to someone who has a need for control in her life. To suddenly begin several medications and again, lose control of things I once ran very smoothly, was to pull the rug out from under a very organized, inflexible person. The result was severe anxiety and panic attacks and depression, heart fluctuations which convinced me there was something terribly wrong with my heart constantly, breathing problems (all related to the anxiety), and I could no longer drive or leave the house. I avoided people. I hid my fear and my feelings from most people, especially my kids, who only recently have learned what I went through. All of those reactions were based in fear.  Not once did I "embrace" my diagnosis. Not once did I say "I can do this". Because everything was screaming in me, "you're a mess. you're going to lose your memory. you're going to lose your sight. you're going to have a seizure in public. you're going to have a panic attack in public again. you're always going to be sick. you don't deserve a normal life." These were the voices I listened to day after day even as I smiled and listened to people tell me I would be okay. I believed in fear, and I signed my name on the dotted line of its contract. Somehow I thought that was my fate. I never thought of courage. At least not for awhile.

I began to find my courage through tragedy, when my brother died and I was forced to leave the house to make the three hour, 2 day trip for his funeral. It was after that trip, and the 2 subsequent major holidays, that I was thrown into a decision. Either choose to make fear my career path, or look at what everyone around me is going through, and see that there are bigger things to go through than fixable seizures. It was a wake up call. See, you can easily get into a "tunnel of doom" when you're hurting and can't see a way out. This is one of the reasons others can be so hard on those with mental illness, and that's why there is such a stigma to it. I can say with certainty, having gone through it myself, that when you are in the throws of depression or a panic attack, that your mind has a mind of its own, and you really can't stop the thoughts that go racing through there. Sometimes you need help with that, whether it's medication or therapy. It certainly isn't people who criticize you, diminish your feelings, make you feel bad for feeling bad, or get irritated with you for being a "tunnel of doom". Do people really think you WANT to feel that way? There are people I cut completely off because they were completely without compassion for me, yet showed compassion for celebrities. Complete silliness. All I can say, looking back, is that without the struggle I went through, I would not have the knowledge, the compassion, or the strength that I have now. And anyone who comes to me who feels depressed or anxious, will not be made to feel like an "attention-seeker" or a burden. They will get what I needed and received from people who cared. Love and time.

And guess what else you need when spending time with those in need? Courage. It takes nothing from you to spend time with happy people. It's fun to be around people who are healthy and funny and like to laugh and shop and do normal things. What a drag it is when someone needs to cry and talk about something heavy, right? Wrong. We are to extend ourselves to all people. And one thing "being sick" has taught me is patience. I have had to cancel and miss out on so many things because I haven't always been the healthiest person, so I have to pick and choose the right friends who understand that about me. So, it's no surprise to me that many of my friends have health challenges also. They have a friend in me.

And just because I'm on the subject, I do want to say that while I realized my seizures were no comparison to cancer or the death of a spouse, and was so thankful for that, at that time, I was not a fan of others pointing this out to me. I don't believe in saying the words to people who are hurting, "well, at least you don't...." because guess what? It's bad enough that they feel the way they already do! The way they are feeling is 100% real, and you don't know, because you don't feel it.  No, they may not have a life threatening condition, but PAIN is PAIN, and for someone to come along and try to convince them that they could have it a lot worse DOES NOT HELP. When they realize that themselves is WHEN THAT HELPS. Our job is to simply support them in their journey to finding that out. Validating how they feel and helping them to get there is how that happens. I cannot stand to hear someone say, "you know, someone has it worse than you." Yes, well, guess what, someone has it better than me too. Does that mean I shouldn't be happy today either?? Let's stop the comparison game and let people feel what they need to feel to get to where they need to go on their own time. If you are a praying person, pray for them and with them. That's one way to help them get where they need to be. If you are a hugger, hug them. If you are a baker, bake for them. If they like to watch tv, watch tv with them. That is called loving them back to health. And if you do all that and they still aren't better, you've done all you can do. And do it all courageously.

Thank God for the courageous people who loved me back to health when I was a mess. I am so thankful for the doctors who cared enough to call me out on my fear and asked my husband if he was an enabler! He probably was! My neurologist encouraged me to do whatever I wanted without fear and if I got scared doing something, simply stop doing it and do something else! Those people breathed courage into me. God breathed courage into me the day I left the house in my yoga pants and slippers and bought that mountain dew for Hayley when she was upset. I hadn't left the house in days, but my love for her prevailed over my need for safety. Courage. It will obliterate fear, but sometimes you need fear to see what you're really made of. And I'm learning more about myself every day.

A Season of Changes

(This was among some of the last pictures I took before hearing my brother passed away) 

Fall used to be my favorite season. From the crisp air to the changing colors of the trees, it seemed I could never get enough. It was apple this and pumpkin-flavored that, the house decorated in every corner with leaves, candles, pumpkins, and all things cozy. There wasn't anyone in my life who didn't know of my infatuation of fall, including those who attended our October wedding. 

But I caught myself telling my husband yesterday,  "summer can't end. I don't want fall to come. I don't like fall anymore." He simply said sadly, "I know, honey."

My love of fall ended on the day my brother passed away on a crisp November day. The brother I spent lazy fall days with raking leaves and making "leaf houses " and mazes. The brother I carved pumpkins with, and trick or treated with as a child. The brother who left for college on one September day and broke my heart, leaving me at home alone. The fall that once held so many strong childhood memories now leaves a bitter reminder of a season I won't soon forget. While my brother was 50 at the time of his death, I had to come to the realization that I was mourning the young brother I knew at home, because that is who I knew the best. That is who brought me pretzels and root beer, hung up on boys who called me too late at night, and told me I looked pretty one day in the 8th grade. Oh, and he cried as he danced with me at my wedding. Grief is so unpredictable. I mourn him in stages-who he was at different times, and the memories that we shared as siblings. I sort of covet those now. Anyway....I haven't really thought about all that for awhile...until I attended Steve's grandma's funeral on Saturday. 

Maybe not so strangely, I have replaced my love of fall for a new passion for summer. While the turmoil of illness surrounds two of our loved ones, we mourn a recent death, and deal with other life challenges, summer has connected me even closer with my daughters, my sweethearts. Because they are home with me all day, we laugh more, spend more time outside, and help each other through the hard things.  I guess you could say that as I enter the "autumn" phase of my life, I am appreciating more and more that my daughters are becoming my friends as well. Well, the 18 year old one a bit more, I suppose. Still some mothering to do, of course. 

I appreciate the brightness and the warmth that summer brings. The morning that just shouts possibility as I lace up my running shoes. The pool with its rippling, clear water, and my flower beds, always needing me for some attention. It's full of life, action, adventure, and the romance of those star-filled skies that keep me up late into the night. I still like fall, but I don't look forward to it anymore. Life has been changing too much, too fast, and I can scarcely keep up with it all. The coming of fall used to be a sweet reminder of a much-needed rest from the heat and busy days of summer. It used to signify a time to slow down and come inside. But all of that just gives me too much time to dwell on the changes I don't want to face. I would much rather stay outside with my face toward the sun. Wouldn't you? 

Eight more days, and my oldest sweetheart leaves for college. The leaves will turn, the air will turn crisp, and soon the pool will be closed for good. The flowers will die off, leaving piles of dried vegetation in their places. So much change, too fast!! Stop!! 

But life won't stop. It will simply pause and take a break for a season. And I will too. I won't have a choice in the matter. The painful thing about life is that nothing ever stays the same. The good thing about life is that nothing ever stays the same. Somewhere in all those changes I just have to find all the blessings and keep growing through these seasons, remembering not to hate the season, but to learn its purpose for my life. 

And to move through these times with courage and grace, realizing I can't avoid change. I can only embrace it. (I hate that word) I can only accept what is to come, because if I refuse, that means I remain stuck in the last season. Much like grief...moving forward is key to healing. It took me a long time to realize I was grieving the changes in my life-girls growing up, friends changing, life in general not what I expected...typical stuff, I suppose. But grieving those things just keeps me chained to them, and that's not what I want or need for my life. 

There is a time and a season for everything. While some seasons hold a lot of bad news or rough spots, and some bring back memories I would rather forget, it's not the season itself that I should avoid. It's the way I approach the changes, and the amount of courage I apply to them. 

Can I enjoy fall again? Can I watch the leaves change and fall with the same passion as I did before? Maybe not yet, but one day I will. There's always hope to be found in change. 

At One with the One Who Made it All

In a world where so many take things for granted, I hope I never get tired of looking at the sky. Not just at a sunrise, a sunset, a rainbow, but every day, just the sky, because it is full of wonder just in it's ordinary blueness. I hope I never cease to be amazed by the power of a thunderstorm, the way the thunder and lightning can still both excite and frighten me, sometimes like a child. I hope I never get tired of being enticed by a body of water, the way the waves beckon me in, or the way sand feels so wonderful on my skin. I hope I never grow tired of all the wonders of nature-the indescribable colors, sounds, scents, and emotions each one evokes in me. How I can never stop looking at all the different rocks on the beach, wondering how they all came to be. Just like a song goes..."I hope you never lose your sense of wonder." Well, I hope I never lose mine, because it's the one thing that makes me appreciate life and helps me to bring joy to others.

I don't want to take life for granted, forgetting how special life really is. And my hearts...to find the hearts I see still takes me by surprise, and amazes me as if it's the first time I'm finding one. Each one means something to me, even if they are taken for granted by someone else. The sky is taken for granted by someone else every day, as are the waves, the scent of the woods, and the way the air cools just before it rains. Some people will never notice any of these things even if someone points them out. They're too busy, too preoccupied, not living in the moment, too caught up in themselves, or maybe the wrong things altogether. But the world around us is bigger, full of the things that deserve our attention. The things that stir our spirits and transform our thinking, calm us, and make us gentler people or maybe more energized people!  To be anything less than this is to miss the point of nature entirely. We are to be moved by the life around us. Some people aren't moved, or they take it for granted entirely.

But I won't be one of those people. I watch to see where the sun glints off the leaves in the trees. I see the shadows they make on the ground. I am mesmerized by a cool night breeze and the sounds of crickets, the way moonlight dances on water. I notice it all, and take it in as if it's my life's work to breathe it in. And maybe that's why the hearts come to me. Not just hearts, but amazing things have been revealed to me in nature, and why should I be surprised? This is God's creation speaking to me! And I am listening!

I will always be amazed, always be surprised, and always seek with eyes full of wonder, His creation that was placed here for us to enjoy. The whisper of the pines, creak of the mighty oaks, the ripples of the sunset over the foaming waves. And the sounds of it all, lulling me to sleep, or coaxing me awake. My body in tune with the One who created me. This is where healing can begin, where communication with God and yourself can begin, and where truths can be found. Nature really is my refuge, and while others complain of bugs and heat, I can only see beauty. That's the difference between appreciating what you have, and not realizing how good you have it yet.

Be blessed!

A Look at Life from a Swing

I took a little time out today. The girls were busy with their sale, and I was outside making sure the dog stayed out of hawk territory. I went out to the girls' old swingset, sat down and faced the woods, let the warm breeze caress my face and toss my hair, and for a moment I just forgot about life. Forgot the topics on the news every morning. Forgot about the bad news in the family. Forgot the disappointing let downs of the past 6 months. Forgot about my health. Forgot about problems I can't fix. For a little while, I just allowed myself to be surrounded by quiet. Angel responded to my peace by touching her nose to my leg with a hello kiss every now and then. Can peace be found on a swingset with a little white dog? Yes, it can. Because I let it happen.

I appreciated the beauty that surrounds me and how blessed I am to live here. I'm surrounded by the things I have always loved: trees, animals, nature trails, big open sky, and solitude, among other things nature provides. I looked around and saw the untouched beauty that was here before we built our home here in the middle of the woods, how it turned out that the trees we chose would end up surrounding us perfectly. Was it meant to be all along? I do believe in those things, yes.
As I sat on that swing, I thought of the walks I have taken here, how healing they have been and what I have told those trees. The secrets those squirrels have kept for me. The tears the pines have hidden as I waited for them to pass. The poetry I have written because of the time I have spent walking those trails and the ups and downs that life has helped me write.

And as I sat there thinking and looking up at the clouds I love so much, and the tops of the trees, I thought about the many times I jumped from swings as a child. I would swing as high as I could and just fly. I wasn't afraid, in fact, I wasn't afraid of snakes or bees or any other thing in nature. It's sad how I have limited myself with fear. Afraid to swing high. Afraid to jump. Afraid to take a step. Afraid to hang upside down and flip!  Jumping without looking, taking risks and going home long after the porch light was off...where did I go?

And just as I was about to think on that, I heard a beautiful sound coming from the deck. "Mom?" I smiled. "I'm out here, turkeys!" They both came running out to see me after their sale had closed for the day. One took the other swing and the other sat on the wooden bar. I looked at what I had helped create, and I thought to myself, they are the most fearless thing I've ever done in my life. I have been a mom to two of the most wonderful girls in the world. That is a huge risk, being a mom. I have dedicated my life to loving them.  I have done more brave things in the last 18 years than ever before, because I am doing something no one else can do for them. I am their mom.  That's where I've been. I've done things in spite of my fear. I think that makes me kind of  brave in a way.

Did nature just remind me that if I can raise two wonderful girls, I can do anything? I think it just did. I think I can get the swing going and jump. Or maybe not. I forgot that swinging makes me nauseous. Maybe I'll just take that step I've been thinking about, porch light on.

Gifts

Every night we spent at the lake, I waited in anticipation for the sun to set. It wasn't always a spectacular event, but to me, nature always gives me something to take away with me. This was no different. 

I always seemed to be by myself when chasing the sunset. Everyone was always off doing their own thing, and that was fine with me, because I always need my quiet time alone to just gather my own thoughts of the day before I settle in for the night. Photographing nature is my escape, and everyone knows if I am seen walking away with my camera, I need time alone. Usually. 

I showed my mom the photo above, and she said, "what is it?" I answered, "it's a wishing puff in the glow of the setting sun." "Oh," she said. "Hmm...it's broken." Smiling at her logical view, I shared my metaphorical one: "aren't all wishes a little broken? But still beautiful to think about, right?" I'm pretty sure I'm adopted, let go by some artist types...haha 

But this one caught her eye! Our friend, the eagle, had been eating something on our beach as we arrived, so we placed one of its feathers in the dock to let it know we had respect for it. That sunset glowing over it was a bonus for me. How I love the way the sun plays at the end of the day. 

It turns the lake into a beautiful reflective "golden pond", and the wildlife begins to quiet down, the soft songs of birds and the twang of frogs adding to the snaps and pops of our campfires. 

This is where peace is found. Where I most allow myself to relax, and let nature heal my heart and soul. On the night of the fourth, I gave up going to the fireworks again, because I just don't trust my seizure disorder just yet, handling all those bursts of light. So my dad built a fire, and he sat out there with me. Just the two of us. He joked about digging out some 20+ year old sparklers for us, and I laughed...haha, dad, I brought some new ones! Just then, the neighbors across the lake started shooting off fireworks and we watched for awhile. We talked and joked about nothing really. Dad got assaulted by a July June bug, and we laughed. Mom made dad come in because he was "out too late", so I teased,"haha, your mom says you have to go in!" Just a very odd but special opportunity to spend time with my dad. He makes me feel loved, for sure. 

I seize these times, and these moments with nature, and I feel I've missed out every time I miss a beautiful sunrise or a sunset, or a special person, because every day and every person I love is a gift. 

Untitled

I just found out this morning that my 57 year old brother-in-law, Vince, has stomach cancer which has moved into his liver and lymph nodes.  I can't quite process this yet. Please pray for Vince, my sister, Lori, and their combined families. We are all in shock. 

Paper, Glue, and Healing

It's summertime, and besides my normal activities of gardening and pool-lounging, I have revisited my artsy collage journal that I started last summer. This journal began one day when the girls and I decided to do some crafting together. They were making some collage pictures for their friends, and I started cutting out words and phrases that I liked for myself. I found it relaxing and fun, and it woke up my creativity a bit, so I went with it. It didn't take long, and I found myself at the kitchen table with the girls many times over last summer, cutting up magazines while listening to music, gluing words and phrases into my small journal. I had been working through my grief over losing my brother, my body had changed from being sick, and I was still adjusting to the many changes in my life. I had a lot of confusion, changing relationships, and a lot of questions about things I had never questioned before. Everything was just one big mess of confusion, and cutting up little pieces of paper and gluing it onto another just seemed to make it all come together in a nice messy, organized way.

I guess I didn't realize how much the journaling was helping me cope until I looked through the pages later to see how my perspective about myself had changed from page to page. The best way I can show this is by sharing some of the pages with you. It was therapeutic in a way, to see how I could feel "invisible" and "frustrated" on one corner of a page, while on the adjacent page, I was "tough" and "optimistic". That page is titled "I Am", which reflects all the characteristics I felt at that time. I was all of those things at once, and somehow it was perfectly fine to be that way. I was opening myself up and looking at my insides, and realizing I may have felt out of balance, but it was just my feelings that were out of balance, and life is just that way sometimes. But it wasn't just a balance issue, it was also remembering to give myself credit for the good things I was feeling about myself too. While I'm not always that great with self-discovery, my little journal has been an effective tool to help me work out situations that I don't always understand at first.


I've been working on a lot of poetry lately, and working on my journal has been very helpful in getting in touch with emotions, which is of huge importance to poetry. While I haven't experienced every emotion, I research a lot of poetry in an effort to understand different feelings. I wanted to know the difference between the mind and the heart where love is concerned, which led to making a journal page about the subject. I'm not sure I understand it much better, but I now know that love from the heart is the best kind of love, takes the most amount of courage, and is worth the risk. Head love is probably pretty temporary and based on fleshly things and may not last. Just my "thoughts".

Then there are my "silly" pages, which reflect my sense of humor and my need to just be fun.
I left out a few pages. Those are just for me. But I would encourage you to try collage journaling if you like to journal, but get tired of writing.  It is fun, relaxing, and revealing, as it turns out. I have learned a lot about myself, and have taught my family things about me that they didn't know. Like, mom can be ridiculous and deep, all on the same page.

It's Her Party, And We'll Shrine if We Want To.....

We celebrated Natalie's graduation with her open house on Saturday, and while it was a great time with friends and family, I am so glad it's behind me. I have been so busy planning this party, that I have had little time for anything else. So, back to my normal life, I hope.

Many people came to celebrate with us, some from the church we used to attend, and while Natalie didn't know them very well, they came to show their support of our family because they are caring people. We appreciated each and every person who came. Her band director came, and we had a very nice conversation about Natalie that just warmed my heart. Natalie also had a chance to hear what many people thought about her valedictory speech since many did not get a chance to see her after graduation. It blessed her to hear them give such positive feedback and it touched me that they remembered what she said. One guest, who happens to be a pretty special friend to us, gave us a plaque that says, "Work hard, stay humble". What a beautiful reminder that they understood and remembered not only her speech, but her goal for herself. Her cards came with personal handwritten messages of encouragement and wishes for her future. It was a wonderful morning for our family to hear her read each and every card aloud and talk about each person who wrote to her.

 It was a truly blessed event, and I had prayed so much before the party that not only would we not only have enough seating and food, but that each person would feel welcome and have a good time.  I could tell by their goodbye hugs and comments that they felt just that. That's really all I care about when people are in our presence as a family. I know sometimes when I am feeling anxious or stressed, I can be less than my best self, and several things were going wrong at the beginning, but I was trying hard to smile and be polite because I was so happy about the day.  I guess I pulled it off, because no one could tell I was in a panic, except for maybe sweet Pammy, who I depend on for my sanity many times! 

I couldn't have asked for a better day for Natalie. Great food, great family and friends. There will be things we will do differently for Serena's party for sure. Like hire some help!! Lots of it. And maybe go to Hawaii instead? Hmm...

Natalie, though a sweet personality, is shy in nature, and was worried about all the people coming, and what she would say, and how she would handle it all. She's not the most outgoing person, and seemed to think that was a deficit. I explained that not everyone has to have a bubbly personality to be polite. Not everyone was made to be outgoing. Not everyone is comfortable with people they don't know. Some people are quiet, some are loud. Some are okay in situations with a lot of people, and some are not. In short, it's okay to be whoever you are, and not apologize for who you are. I gave her a few pointers on how to be polite and greet people, and she did very well. She was very personable and kind, and only missed a couple of guests, who she said sat down too quickly, and then she was too timid to approach them because she didn't know them as well. I can't wait to see what a semester of college will do to help her with her confidence. While it's okay to be quiet and introverted, I know she can be quite outgoing and charming when she's comfortable with people too. Hopefully people will give her the grace she needs to let her be who she is and not judge her for going her own pace. Inside she is trying her best, and it takes a lot for her to approach people. I can relate to this, so I guess I give people a lot more room than others do. I don't know. I like quiet people...they're usually very sincere people. One thing I know about Natalie. She is sincere and honest. She is who she is. I love that about her.

So, on to summer plans, and having some time with Natalie before we drop her off at college in August. It doesn't seem real to me yet, and maybe it won't until we drive away from her campus without her. But I'm in a good place with this because she is more than ready to move on. She is excited about her future, ready for some independence, and she really needs this. If I didn't think she was ready, I would be worried about her leaving home.  She's a lot like her mom. She will push herself beyond her limits as long as no one is holding her back. She wants to move beyond her comfort zone, but if we are in her way, she will stay in it. If she is on her own, she will be forced to do things for herself, but if she has to rely on someone to help her, she will. So, she needs this, and because of this, I can let her go with peace in my heart. This is what is best for both of us. As she stands at the edge of the nest, I don't even need to push her. She's ready to fly. Soar girl. Soar.

And mama bird will just stand here smiling and eating Steve's amazing smoked brisket. Wow, can that man smoke a brisket!

Graduation Validation

It was a beautiful weekend of spending family time together, sharing baseball games, gardening, time with friends, and ending with Natalie's graduation.
The day started out with me waking very early and seeing a text Natalie had sent me late the night before that I hadn't seen. I felt bad that I had missed it, because she was feeling bad about something, and needed my reassurance. I started praying because I couldn't get back to sleep. I have been praying about some very specific things since her school year started to change last fall.
While things may have appeared to look one way on the outside, they were in fact very different on the inside. This is the way things go sometimes when you don't go around defending yourself from all the untruths that are said about you, or all the assumptions that are made about your actions. Sometimes people treat you poorly for a very long time and you put up with it without saying too much because you're trying to be kind, but after awhile, it gets to be hurtful, and so you start to pull away. It's only then that the person begins to be offended by the very thing they were doing to you in the first place, and somehow you become "the bad guy", and people turn on you. Not just people, but friends you've known for a long time. And somehow, the truth can't be seen because the power shift is way too strong in one direction, and if you cross it, you become a target too. You know, this can happen in adulthood too. This is bullying in it's sneakiest of forms.
And the funny thing is, as unfair as it all is, and as much as it hurts, somehow, I believed that it would all work out in the end without her having to say a word. She grieved over doing "the right thing" when the wrong thing was being done to her. She worried about appearing bad when the bad things were being said about her. She overcame the temptation to vindicate herself because it would have made someone else look bad, even though it was the truth. She admitted her wrongs to the person, admitted her weaknesses, and then was crushed when the person simply ignored her efforts and wrote , I'm not sorry, and I have no regrets. The person simply wanted nothing to do with her, continued to blame her, and  then made her miserable afterwards for months. This is bullying in its most outward forms.
And all along, I prayed for reconciliation, for a softening of hearts, so that this could be resolved in a peaceful way. It didn't look like it was every going to happen, but I kept watching. I kept encouraging. My daughter kept coming home in tears. And she kept quiet. And God provided new friends who came alongside and continued to support her. He brought old friends who reminded her that her value is not based on the failures in relationships, but in those people who continue to stay in your life when you need them most. When you're depressed. When you are struggling. When you need help. Those are the friends that get to tell us the truth. Those friends are few.
Natalie worked on her valedictory speech last week, and she struggled with it, because it hasn't been the most positive year for her. She just wanted school to be over. She said, how can I convey anything positive when I just want to get out of there? I asked her what the most important thing was to her. She answered. "I just don't want to make the speech about me. I want to give something to my class to take away. I want them to know that they are all important. Especially the ones who were ignored for 4 years." I smiled. Because that's exactly what life is about. Being kind. And this year of struggle has taught her how she doesn't want people to feel. Left out, left behind, excluded, talked about, dismissed, or unimportant. So the topic of her speech became a quote that she loves. "Stay humble, Work Hard, Be Kind".
As she spoke quietly, she gave her speech humbly, and in the words that she chose. To remind her class to use the gifts that they have been given, no matter what they are, to give to the world. That they are important, and that they should work hard, and by doing these things, they will continue to inspire others to do the same. She made us proud, and many people came up to tell us what a beautiful speech it was. I was impressed by the many things she knew about each and every one of her classmates. Not just the athletes and the "smart kids", but the kids who knew how to fix things, or knew everything about the weather, girls who could braid and do make-up really well, and play bass guitar. So much talent, and not everyone was a top student, but they all have something to offer. She didn't include all of the examples in her speech, but what a blessing it was for them to hear that coming from one of their valedictorians. You are ALL important. What you have is enough.
We drove home from graduation, and I thought of all we had heard at graduation. I looked at Steve, and I said, "God moved today, and he gave Natalie the validation she needed all along. While she couldn't speak, He spoke for her, and this is the way He chose to work today." He agreed, and while nothing else changed, hearts changed. The hearts that have been trying to change all along. I'll keep praying for the rest. Because God cares about them all. He wants all of us to graduate to bigger and better things for today, and the future.
Be blessed.

Just be Present

No tears tonight. Just lots of joy, because both of my girls played their hearts out, using the gifts God gave them. And as we stood waiting to give Natalie 4 red roses to celebrate 4 years of high school band, a younger band student walked up to me and asked, who are those for? I said, my daughter, Natalie. She smiled, and said, oh, she's really good! 

And good she is, as her band director of 8 years presented her with the highest band award, the John Philip Sousa Award, during the concert tonight. 

She has loved music all of her life, played many instruments, and all of it has led to her pulling others toward her. A quiet girl by nature, music has allowed her to express herself in a way that feels more comfortable. 

Nothing brings me more joy than to see my girls doing what they love. Tonight as I watched them on stage together for the last time, I couldn't cry. I could only be grateful for all the years they've been given together, making music in our home and at school. 

What a blessing and what a reward it is for me as a mom to just observe. Just hear, and just be present. 

This Year

I'm exhausted after my Monday procedure...I tried to tell them how badly I react to anesthesia, but to no avail. I spent the next 2-1/2 days with a terrible migraine and vomiting. Unable to drink, eat, or sleep. So here I am today, mustering up a bit of strength to go to Natalie's final band concert tonight. I have already cried this one out today, as I have all of the other "lasts". This has been the hardest year...

I'm trying to embrace and celebrate, but at the same time, she is still struggling with her own need to set things right among her group, who has turned from her.  It is so painful when we can't do anything about what others choose to believe or how they decide to treat us, and yet, I'm glad her heart is still soft. 

Yes, a hard year indeed. 

She has to give a valedictory speech at graduation, and asked me how she's going to say anything positive. I told her to reflect on those teachers who have believed in her, encouraged her, the friends who believed in her, the classmates who held her in high regard enough to be on their homecoming court not once, but twice, the coaches who voted her most improved, the lessons she has learned through the things that haven't gone the way she thought they would. Because life is never predictable, fair, and sometimes so unkind to the kind. But somehow, it all works out. I told her this: forgive. Go to God. Ask him to help you forgive and then let it go and stop letting it take from your precious heart. Others are missing out on your beauty!!

And tonight, I need to keep from crying, because I can't handle my own meltdowns these days! 

Overwhelmed

As if I don't have enough to do with graduation and open house planning, my surgery is all set for Monday. 

Tomorrow I have to get an EKG due to my MVP, just as a precaution. My heart likes to get all flippity floppity sometimes. That's just genetics! 

So, I have a lot of things to get accomplished, and I'm trying to keep myself calm...haha...and I get yet another jury duty letter in the mail. I believe this is my 6th or 7th "random" time. 

So, I'm hoping to not get chosen, because as I've given up on trying to have a regular life, a regular job, or be reliable to anyone else due to my undependable health, I don't know why this would be any different. So very frustrating. It's really the last thing I need right now, as I have been feeling very stressed out with my physical symptoms and upcoming graduation. So much on my mind and so little time to process it all. 

Sigh. 

Not sure where I was going with this message. Sometimes nowhere. Just feeling overwhelmed today...and really every day this week. 

Friendship Lessons

Natalie took part in a very special opportunity on Sunday with our local television station. She will be featured as one of the "Best and the Brightest" students on a segment they run for the local graduates. This is something the station has done for years, and I remember watching it, always looking for our local schools. I never dreamed my own daughter would one day be one of those smiling graduates.
Now for the hard part. Natalie shared this honor with a classmate of hers who was formerly one of her best friends, and had been since Natalie reached out to her in the 3rd grade and asked her over to play. They had recently begun attending our church at the time, and Natalie's best friend had just moved away, so she wanted to get to know her better and also make a new friend. They became friends and stayed good friends all the way up until around September of last year.

While I don't want to infringe on either girl's privacy, I will just say that it was very bittersweet to watch the two of them be photographed side by side, not speaking or interacting with one another. Two former, inseparable friends, who once enjoyed the company of the other.  Now separated, forcing lifelong friends to "choose sides". It's a no-win situation for both of them, whether they realize it or not. As an adult, I can see things from a different perspective, but sometimes kids (now adults) have to learn things the hard way, or in their own way to get the lesson they need to learn. It's just really hard to watch when you know the answer, but they aren't ready for the answer. This is a common theme, isn't it? And not just with friendship problems. Life in general, I think.

Good friends are so important. I had some really good friends in school. We were as different as different could be. Amy was our resident Christian, all keeping us in line with the Word of God, and never going to school dances or out to movies with us, but boy, she was so funny and entertaining, and very sweet. Anna lived on a farm, loved sports, laughed really loud, and she and I found all kinds of ways to have fun. Sandy was a good girl who kept her grades up, volunteered for everything, and pushed me to try all kinds of fun things, mostly out of my comfort zone. I went to her house every day after school to pig out, help her with her chores, and we spent nearly every weekend doing something together.  But what I remember most about these besties was that they never expected me to be like any of them.  I was the only one who didn't really take school seriously. I didn't go to youth group like Amy. I didn't know anything about farming, I wasn't a girl scout like Sandy, and the cool thing about all of them was that I didn't have to change for them to genuinely enjoy my company. I truly enjoyed spending time with each one of them separately, and I loved it when we were all together. Our differences only made us a better team. While some of us liked to play sports, the others liked to watch. I don't remember it being a problem.  When I was the only one dating, they all supported me. None of them were mad at me for liking a boy or putting my attention on someone else. They couldn't wait to hear the details of my date! When good things happened to one of us, they happened to ALL of us! We appreciated each other's vast differences and backgrounds and took the time to find our similarities-the things that connected us. If one was jealous of another, I honestly don't remember it ever surfacing or being an issue, because we seemed to encourage each other's strengths, not compete with them. I didn't realize how special that was until recently when I started sharing with my daughters. Maybe there was no such thing as "drama" in the 80's, or maybe I was just oblivious, but there was none of it with the four of us. We all had other friends too, and would bring them into our "circle" and share them. It was never a "clique". How things have changed through the years. Remembering back to my high school days makes me sad that my kids are really missing out on some of the things that made my school years so fun. Why have things changed so much?

It is a powerful thing when young women truly connect and allow each other to grow. That's what relationships are for. In a healthy relationship of any kind, there is give and take. A fair amount of listening and talking on both sides. There is growth in the relationship, as far as understanding another person's actions and thoughts.  There is a point where you stop having to explain your every move to someone because they know you so well, they already know what you are and aren't capable of saying and doing.  A friend who allows you to be yourself and grow is a very unique and special thing at a young age. It's not an easy thing to attain in a world where competition is king, and insecurities reign.  Some people are too threatened by your success to cheer you on! But then there are some who cheer you on because they love you that much, and your success is as important to them as their own. That is a real friend, and one you hold onto for life. I have some of those. I talk about those friendships with my girls often, because they are rare and I want to build the kind of person that it takes to be that person to someone else. When we expect everyone to be that for us, or expect that everyone we meet wants that from us, we become disappointed. Not everyone wants that from us or wants to give that to us. The truth is, some relationships grow together, but some just grow apart. It's okay to let some people go. It's just not okay to let them go and then keep punishing them for leaving you.

 One daughter told me it is so hard to get people to "open up", and share their true feelings and talk about "real things". It's hard to "get to know" girls. I think a lot of it is because kids today spend too much time behind their phones, and don't have to have a lot of "real" conversations anymore.  They keep everything kind of "surface" level. As a teenager, I talked to my friends face to face or on the phone every day. I always knew where I stood with them. We didn't tell everyone every little thing we were thinking! Kids today rely too much on social media and communicate by texting,  and then wonder why their words get misunderstood or they say things they shouldn't say. I see some of the things teens share on social media, and to me it is a cry for understanding and deeper level conversation with someone who cares. I think they just don't know how to communicate or feel safe enough to do so. Maybe too much is being shared by people they don't trust. Then when they do meet someone worthy to trust, they aren't sure how to communicate with them.

So the advice I give my girls, and I hope they follow, is that to be a good friend, you have to close your mouth and open your ears. It's not always about you. Not always about what you want from someone, but what you can give. It's not about what you need, what you heard, what you feel, but sometimes what someone else is going through and what you can give to their situation. When an opportunity to mentor a younger teen came about, my daughter found herself in a position to help someone with something that she was going through herself just months earlier. Even after she confided to someone what she was going through, her friend didn't acknowledge her and in fact, ignored her problem, making her feel even more alone. Even more interesting was that the same thing had happened to me. Combining our experiences helped us to not only give love and support to this person, but to remember ourselves that our experiences are sometimes given to strengthen us to help others later.
 
 When you grow as a person, you stop looking at yourself so much, and start looking at others and what you can do for them. Your struggles don't become your daily baggage, but rather experience.  Instead of trying to "avoid toxic people", like we are told in all those "inspirational quotes",  we can see people in a whole new light  when you're not looking at them like they are the problem all the time. And when you weigh out your words carefully before you say them (or God forbid, text them), then maybe the right words will get said. Not "heat of the moment" words that are usually self-serving, hurtful words, like "I", "me', and "your fault".  And with our area having one of the highest teen suicide rates, I would say our teens need to do a better job of holding each other up and not being so self-absorbed and careless in their speech. I was proud of one of my daughters for getting up and leaving a table because a classmate was being gossiped about for talking about mental illness symptoms. This is something my girls are sensitive about, and know not to joke about. Sometimes you lose people because you can't tolerate the way they treat others. It's not really a loss, but a stand needs to be taken, and you hope one day they'll return to a better level of treating others. Until then, you have to move on and hope God leads you to better company and them to something better too.

Friendships require maturity and forgiveness, and room for the other person to make mistakes. We aren't perfect, and we're not always going to meet everyone's perfect expectations of what a friend should be. While I think it's okay sometimes to cut ties with people if there are legitimate reasons, I don't think it's okay to do so with contempt or with malice, or to expect others to follow suit. If you don't like someone, fine. But don't ask your friends to follow your lead. That's just not fair. It will actually make you feel pretty rotten after awhile too.  Is it easy when the person who is mean to you is being nice to someone you are friends with? Um....nope. That never gets any easier.  But something I know for sure. When one door closes....when that door slams, when that door just won't open anymore even though you tried....another one swings open, and there stands something else for you. If you just stay true to what you know is right, and continue to do what you know is right, God will reward that effort with the people you need in your life who will love and support you. It just might not happen overnight.  And God will also correct you when you're wrong, and be open for that correction too.

And I believe most, if not all relationships can be reconciled if two people are willing to meet just halfway. I don't give up on anyone, and I'm disappointed when people give up on me. I encourage my girls to keep their doors open and try to keep quiet to other people when people hurt them. I know it's hard. When you're young and you need validation and friends to support you, you tend to want that support to come from everyone. But the truth has a way of coming out in the way you live your life. It doesn't matter what anyone else decides to do for or against you. It doesn't matter if everyone believes one story over another. It's the way you continue to conduct yourself that shows who you are. I believe that stands as truth, and that's the way it's always been. The people who are meant to be in your life will always be there, and those who aren't will move on. I've seen it in my own life, and I've learned so much from those who have hurt me. Thank you for the lessons, because I know better what I need and what to give others now.

And sometimes that's the best way to learn a lesson, isn't it?

No Politics Zone

It's an election year, as if no one is tired of this fact by now, and no, I'm not going to discuss politics here. I like to avoid topics that have no clear cut answers and just get people all fired up with no place to go. 

The fact that I steer away from political discussions kind of bugs some people. But honestly, people who try to pull me into unwanted political discussions kind of bug me too. 

Here's the big reason for me. There are so many things I want to know about the people I talk to, and so little time to get to know them. I feel cheated when that little time gets wasted discussing politics. 

Because it's not always my close friends (in fact it's never them) who want to talk about it. It's people who have an agenda, and want to get their view across. So yeah, I don't like that feeling. 

If we have valuable time together, even a few minutes, I would love to know what your favorite music is, whether or not you plant a garden, and whose pictures are on your refrigerator. 

So, if I seem a little squirmish, or give you a blank stare, or smile and walk away, it's because you said the "p" word, and it's just not good for my brain. Love you, not so much this topic. 

Now, to set this straight. My desire to not discuss it has nothing to do with my concern or knowledge level of our political situations. Some assume wrong. That's the problem with assuming instead of just asking. I care. Just not discussing. Big difference. I respect your opinions and your choices, and I'm hoping you are checking into many sources for your facts and information instead of relying on just one or believing what one person tells you. 

That's all. 

God Sees

Remembering today....

People see me through THEIR perception of me and not how I actually am. 

Some people are really shallow.

Some people are wolves dressed as sheep. 

Some people growl at me while smiling at others. 

But God sees. 

Thankful for Her

Sometimes when someone does you wrong, and you continue to hold your head up and do right, it's enough that the right people know. 

I am so proud of our daughter. We know, and God knows what kind of character she has, and this girl makes me so proud to be her mother. 

She is showing strength through her struggles. Thank you God. 

That's all. 

Staying

I have been a stay-at-home mom for over 18 years. I think that might be a rarity in these times, but I'm still not regretful of my decision to stay home and raise my children into their teen years. I know what a lot of people think of stay at home moms, and I've been at the receiving end of some unfair judgements over the years. I haven't enjoyed that part of it at all, but like any job, you get some co-workers and bosses you don't enjoy being around, and you learn to cope with them and their bad attitudes toward you.
I think what people choose to do with their lives is their personal choice. Whether you choose to work or not while raising children is a decision no one can make for you. Just like no one has any business criticizing what you choose to study in school or what job you choose to take as long as it is a healthy contribution to society. I'm not sure why some people are still so quick to tell a woman she should be out working instead of home raising her kids, as if she's doing something wrong by raising her family. Then there are the women who make the working women feel bad by working instead of staying home!
What I say to all of that is, women are doing each other a great disservice when they fail to support one another. Plain and simple. Stop putting each other down and just accept each other for the hardworking moms and women that they are trying to be, no matter what they are doing. And maybe help instead of criticize? There's an idea.
I also get criticism for being unhealthy. As if I can help that. People with invisible illnesses can relate to this. People look at you and because they "can't see" what's wrong with you, and in fact, you look pretty darn healthy, they think, "you should be out working!" Well, thank you for diagnosing me, because my doctors get paid to not know everything, and I'm still not 100% and I would love to feel the way I look some days. I do the best I can with what I've been given. Not that I owe anyone an explanation. I wish understanding came in a box. I would give it away for free.
Sometimes instead of support, people like to tell you how worse off someone else in their family is. Oh, this one is always so helpful. I haven't heard from you in years, but you decide to come along and tell me how worse off your family member is than me. Okay. I suppose I'm supposed to feel.....hmm...worse about that...or better about me....either way, I didn't feel supported at all, and that person is even further down my friend prospect list. Mission unaccomplished. Sometimes I really do run out of grace for people, sadly.
So, my biggest job as a stay at home mom has actually been what I've been doing for the past 4 years. Counseling teens. Every day for the past several months, I have been spending over an hour after school with one or both of my daughters going over the day, trying to break down the events of the day into manageable portions. Trying to help them extend the grace to those who I would rather spank, to be honest. Catching them at a time when the full weight of the day falls heavily on their shoulders and home is a place to let it all go and feel the safety of family. I don't always have the answers, and quite often I am a quivering mess inside as I listen to the issues they deal with and the feelings they go through. What hurts them hurts me, and while I try to hide what I'm feeling so I can maintain stable, my heart is breaking inside.
I would not quit this part of my job for anything. Not for a job that paid so much that we could have gone on all those vacations we dreamed about that we never took. For all the "toys" we could never buy, and quite honestly, we don't care to buy. We have lived on one income for 21 years and chose one luxury. Our home, because we knew we would be rooted here the most.
And honestly, I don't care what people think of what I do with my time. If they want to think I'm spoiled because I "get to stay home", they obviously don't know me or my situation at all.  I keep my circle small for a reason. No one knows the real sacrifices every mother makes until they become a mother who sacrifices something very real to them. Whether it's health, time, money, or relationships.
People will think what they want to think. It's a lesson I'm trying to teach Natalie right now as she is going through something very difficult. She wants so much to "tell her side of the story", because people are treating her differently based on hearing just one side, which she feels is not accurate. But doing so is not doing what I've told her to do, which is to keep other people out of it, and to take the high road and just continue being yourself with everyone. Eventually, truth prevails, and people who choose to believe bad things about you without looking at you aren't really worth your friendship anyway. Such a hard lesson to learn, and yet, she has to get it now before it stings into adulthood, which is when I learned it.
Sometimes just knowing the truth about ourselves and our actions, and knowing the people who love us and God Himself knows the truth and the truth in our hearts has to be enough. Sometimes there is nothing more we can do. We can't change people. We can't stop people from judging, from thinking what they want to think. From cursing us behind our backs. But we can ask Him to help us focus on those who don't do that to us, and pray for the rest.
I'm really not that good at extending grace sometimes. I have good days and bad, I'll admit it. I am a justice fighter too sometimes. I want people to know the truth!! But I know it's not the right approach. Sometimes we have to wait on God to make things right, and watch for Him to bring us peace throughout the situation as we wait on Him.

Food for Thought

I haven't been blogging lately, but I have been writing, at least when there isn't something else going on around here. 

That's the trouble with "working from home", I guess. No one really gets it! The phone still rings, and if it's mom, my friend or sister, or someone else who is very close to me, I get it. And then I'm on the phone for a long time...because "people before projects", right? 

But, how will I ever get anywhere with this project if I can't seem to get it prioritized? 

That's the six million dollar question I ask myself every day, and I'm still looking for an answer. The fact is, my life is busier now than it was when my kids were younger. It's much more demanding mentally, for sure, and I am on my toes 24/7. I can't seem to find where I begin and they end some days. 

And that's not good, I suppose. And neither are these health issues trying to hold me back from my goals as well. I'm getting real tired of being defeated. 

So...not the positive upbeat post you were expecting? Well, I honestly put as much effort as I can into being 100% positive for my family, my friends, for the people I influence, and even strangers, but at the end of the day, I don't always feel very full. I sometimes give too much away, I think, and don't spend enough time refueling. 

Food for thought. 

Just a Little More

I had to stop at a store after school today with Serena, who drove me there with her expert driving skills, by the way. 

As we checked out, the young man asked, as they always do, "How are you today?" I answered the usual, "Good, how are you?" He mumbled something that kind of surprised me, and I said, "Did you just say you're not so great today?" He said, "Yeah, it's my first day back after being gone a long time."

Not wanting to press for details, I said, "Well, I'm sorry, and I hope your day gets better." He smiled and said, "Thank you." 

The whole exchange took less than 3 minutes, and there was nothing magnanimous about it. 

But isn't that better than, "Hi...how are you...Fine..." without  really waiting to hear the answer? 

Sometimes in our robotic-ness as humans, we forget we're all still connected somehow and we're supposed to be taking care of each other. If we can't do it in small ways like this, it will certainly be harder on bigger levels, I think. 

And if you really want to take kindness one step further, include that stranger or small exchange in your prayers. 

Just my late night thoughts... 

Don't Blink!

Because I love irony...

And Michigan...don't blink! 

The Facebook "Split"

It's that time of year again...sap collection and boiling time, which can only lead to one thing..lots of work and a small amount of pure maple syrup! Steve got the trees tapped and ready to go, and the beautiful warm day yesterday had the sap and us up and running. I am ready for spring, even if it does mean things are only going to get busier and closer to that "g" word- graduation. Eventually I have to start talking about that, but for now, I'd like to stay in a bit of denial, and just continue my collecting of boxes of tissues. You think I'm joking.
At the same time our oldest daughter will be accomplishing a major goal, I am going to still be working on a major goal of my own. While I am keeping the details mum for awhile yet, let's just say it involves hours in front of my laptop, my printer, and lots of quiet time. It has also involved my need for research, which has involved some social media. This has caused some questions to arise. I have to shake my head sometimes....(smh, as people say) So, my hubs and I have had a joint facebook account since just before my daughter's major surgery. It was his idea, as I had never wanted any part of it. But after I realized I could communicate with my aunt and my sister more frequently, I became the major "post-er" on the account. We left it that way, and it was fine. But now as I am researching and following published authors and I want to share certain blog posts of my own, I don't feel as much an individual with my husband's name attached to mine. So, I split off and created my own account. You would have thought the world ended for some people!  DId we get a divorce? Are we having problems? Is there something going on?? Oh no!! Really?? Is that what people got out of us simply going from one account to two? Oh, people. That's just silly.
First of all, it's no one's business. Second of all, it's no one's business. :)  Facebook  (for some) has become a vessel for "everyone's business", and so now some people think it's their business to know everything. Let me tell you, if I want you to know something, I will tell you. If I don't tell you, you're not important enough to be told. Simple enough. Was that too forward? :) Some people just want to know the "dirt", but they never seem to ask "how are you"? Gets me every time.
Anyway, I do have some advice if you decide to be on Facebook. These are my personal opinions. Feel free to poo poo them as you choose. We live in a free country, after all. I have two teen daughters. One who could not care less about facebook, and one who doesn't even have an account! They weren't allowed to be on FB until they were the proper age, which drove them crazy, because all of their friends were allowed to lie about their ages so they could be on it early. Too bad. But they ended up not caring about it anyway. So, there you have it.
Don't "friend" people you don't know. Don't "friend" people who aren't your real friends on the street. Be kind on there. If you don't like what someone says, ignore it. And our personal rule is that we always share passwords with each other. There should be no reason to check up on each other, but there should also be no secrets either. :) I think Facebook and other social media sites can be a danger zone  if you are already struggling within yourself emotionally, socially, or within your relationships. Remember that some people only post the good things, making their lives look like a Hallmark commercial, while others only post the terrible things. If you are riding the waves of other people, then Facebook is not the place for you. If your marriage is struggling with issues of trust or insecurity, Facebook can be a playground of temptation and also a place of comparison if you are unhappy. (Remember, some people are only posting highlight reels!) If you are a teen dealing with depression or bullying issues, it can give others acccess to your life, which can make the problem escalate. Stay off all social media for a time or for good. And something I had to learn is that some family members will "like" and "comment" profusely on someone else's kids but never on yours, and it doesn't mean anything. I had to learn not to put so much weight on something that doesn't really matter! Sometimes I scroll past things I like or I feel like saying something, and quite honestly, I'm just too busy or too tired, and I just don't. So, it's just not a big deal. It isn't personal, and neither is Facebook.
I follow several female authors, and I hope to one day be one of those ladies who inspires me so much. I am learning from them, and growing as a person, and enjoying my moments so much more as I write more. And I am inspired by my supportive husband, who didn't like it when I went off on my own, though I didn't "go" anywhere, but understands my need for individuality and my desire to have something of my own, even if it is just a facebook page for now. :)

Follow Anna Donaldson, Author of Rare Bird at www.aninchofgray.blogspot.com

Soar!

After last week's snowstorm, we had two days off school. The regional bowling tournament for the girls was still on for Friday, so we had a busy day enjoying several hours of non-stop spectating. 

On Saturday, we headed back to FSU, my late brother Jeff's Alma Mater, for the second part of a competition that Natalie is in for college. More on that later, hopefully good news in about a month. After her competition was over, we went on another campus tour, and enjoyed a lunch in her college town. We ate the most wonderful and gigantic onion rings we've ever had! 

Natalie is so excited about college and her major! She is looking forward to living in a dorm, meeting lots of new friends, taking on leadership roles, developing herself, and stepping out of her comfort zone. Never would I have imagined she would have embraced this huge change with such positivity and exuberance. This little girl who struggled so much from being afraid to ask a question to crying if someone sat in her seat in preschool! She is soft-spoken, yet strong. Tender-hearted, with that heart on the proverbial sleeve, but wise enough to know what matters and what is worth letting go. She will do just fine in the diverse community of college. She cares about people. She knows her own mind. She won't be swayed by the crowd. She has always been that way. She is hesitant, yet not afraid to push herself if she thinks it will help her become a better person. She still talks about her experience working with the Special Olympics last summer with such happiness. She didn't think she could do it, but her kindness and gentleness was exactly what was needed. She came home beaming that day and I knew she would! 

Her dad and I are having the mixed emotions of holding on tight and letting go at the same time. The tears of joy for her new life and the tears of sadness for our loss at home. But seeing her grow has always been our biggest gift and it's still our biggest goal as parents. So, as much as all of these new things sting, fly little bird, fly. You are going to soar! 

Snow Bombed

Hubs and I took a long trek through our woods today and it was exhilarating! We broke through some trail ice into a bit of water...whew! Ducked under and got snow-clobbered by many snow-laden branches, and the wind blew us through the open meadow. What a rush! 

Were we just a short distance from our cozy home or miles away in the Alaskan wilderness? It was fun to imagine....

Let Her Eat Cake!

I am spending many hours at my new "job", so I have less time for my blog! But it's all good, and I'll be checking in from time to time. 

We celebrated Natalie's birthday for the 3rd and final time on Sunday with the grandparents. We went out for dinner, then back here for light desserts. Natalie is trying to be more health conscious, so Serena and I made her a special birthday "fruit cake". 

She loved it! It was very easy and fun to make, and we'll do it again in the summer when the fruit is more in season and tastes better. 

I also made her 2 light coconut cream pies, and they turned out as good as the fattening ones! 

It was nice to begin our week with a celebration, and we are praying for better days this week. 

Be blessed! 

Not "If" but "When"

It's happening...through all the negative things happening around me and my sweet family this week, I picked up a hobby from my teenage years. I added it to a current hobby, and it has become a real goal. Stay tuned for the completion of this goal. I will be very busy. 

This is what is called using the bad things that happen to you for a good purpose. 

And now the goal is to continue to encourage my daughters to turn the attacks against them for good as well. Even as I don't understand this evil myself. 

Genesis 50:20

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good...

It is most difficult when someone is blind to the damage they have caused and continue to inflict it on you. It is very hard to understand why God wants us to love our enemies and pray for them. Hard to understand and very hard to do. 

Very hard to see how God can make this good, but I will let you know when He does. Not "if", but when. 

Mid-Life Peace?

"You look pretty", my husband sweetly said to me one night as we watched our nightly basketball on tv. I rolled my eyes and said, "I appreciate your husband vision. I actually look quite terrible tonight." He said what he always says, "Not to me." I then surprised him with this one: "I think I'm having a mid-life crisis." He laughed out loud and hollered out, "Nooooo! You're not! I can't afford thaaaaat! Go baaaaack!!" He's hilarious. I'm quite serious.

This is a typical winter conversation for us, as the temperatures dip below zero, and we are bored, bills are piled up, the kids are tired of school, and even the dog is tired of all of us. We're all having a mid-winter crisis.

Even as I tried to pray this morning, I kept trying to find the words and I just kept failing because I'm just so drained, and I feel like I say the same thing all the time.  I think about the world-problems. I think about the community-problems. I think about the school-problems. I think about the upcoming election-hello,problems. It seems I am always praying about problems!! While I usually open my prayers with praises, these mid-winter prayers are pretty sadly filled with requests. Everyone has problems! And quite honestly, my praises feel pretty fake when my heart is full of worries.

 This isn't a "mid-life crisis", whatever that is. I am feeling my age, it's true, and I don't like it one bit. I'm looking my age too, and that stinks as well. I don't look at my graying hair as a crown of splendor at all. I don't think gravity is kind as it applies to my face, and wrinkles are for elephants and Steve's shirts. Graceful is for ballerinas, not for aging. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it. I'm going into this fighting. My crisis is that I am getting older, but nothing is getting easier. In fact, some things are getting more difficult. Why oh why did I think the toddler years were so hard?? What I wouldn't give for a 2 year old's tantrum right now.

After my daughter's tough day yesterday, her best friend's mom came to pick her daughter up yesterday, and we had a nice conversation about life in general. She has just a few wise years on me, and I appreciate her life experience.  She shared that she also spent years staying at home raising her three children and was excited to enter the work force. It shocked her to find out how difficult it was to work with people again, and how much fighting and backbiting occurred among grown adults. It was a rude awakening. Her smart solution with dealing with a difficult situation has been to study personality types. You mean, seek to understand people?  Brilliant. Although I spent hours talking to my daughter about trying to understand why a person would hurt her instead of try to understand her, it doesn't take the sting of a wound away. Especially when you're young. I get it. Hurt is hurt.

 So, maybe that's what this is for me. A rude awakening. I spent years enjoying my children, their friends,  and their lives, and now that they are entering the "adult" world and getting their noses bumped, as I knew they would, I am feeling their pain, the changes,  and all of mine at the same time. Oh, this stinks for sure. I can't jump in and fight their battles, because I've always believed in allowing them to grow from their own difficulties, but I still carry their pain on my shoulders. It is not easy to watch a child struggle and not be able to fix it. I can take it to God, yes, but to not see a solution, or to see it go in a completely different direction than how I prayed, is the most difficult thing to watch. I get angry, wondering why I have made my kids patient and soft only to be crushed by mean people. Then I remember this is the character of Christ, and it sets them up to be persecuted as he was. And I remember the words "life isn't fair", and people aren't fair either, because some people are insecure in themselves and will tear you down to build themselves up. They put up a defensive front on the outside, appearing strong and powerful, even pushy or outgoing. But on the inside, they are scared and unsure of who they are, always comparing and wondering if they are good enough.  Someone who loves God will seek the inside of a person, and that's why we don't put rotting shrimp in someone's locker when we're angry. And it's why we don't wound back with words, even when we feel justified, because as I reminded my younger daughter "Tyson" yesterday, two wrongs don't make a right. But bless her heart for wanting to come to her sister's defense. That part is precious.
 
And the lesson that comes with this latest crisis is the lesson that comes with every crisis in our home. It's not about us. It's hard to take that when it feels like it is, but when someone attacks, or it feels like we've been wronged, or we have been wronged, more times than not, it's not about us at all. With that thought, we can take the steaming heat of emotion out of it, and replace it with understanding and hopefully move on with the lesson and grow a little. Are we going to be happy with the person who was mean to us? No. Do we want to sit with them and make small talk? No. But are we going to hold anger in our hearts for them forever? No, because we have to forgive and move on and not let it keep us from the good relationships in our lives. Especially our relationship with God.

So we continue to pray for the ones who wrong us, even as they continue to wrong us, because it's what we're called to do, and because we hope it will eventually bring  peace. And all of these situations will turn my hair gray, make me tired, and cause me to wrinkle my forehead. Now I know exactly what causes a mid-life crisis! Parenting teenagers!

Sigh...be blessed. I'm going to try. First stop today? I'm getting a filling at the dentist. I just can't wait. Praise God for dentists. Ha Ha....I kill me.