Hoping to get this resolved soon!
I had a nice visit with my mom the other day. She actually made time to come and visit-a rare thing for her busy life. A former workaholic, she retired several years ago and simply replaced work with community and church activities. I don't think she knows how to stop and simply relax, so like I said, it was rare and nice to see her in pause for a change.
My life, on the other hand, is very different from hers for many reasons. Because I didn't have a lot of time with my mom growing up, I chose to quit my job and stay home to raise my girls. I still believe and will always know that it was the best decision I made for our family and for me. When they started school, I volunteered at school several days a week, and was asked to sub, which I turned down. I volunteered at church, I sat on a committee in my community that benefitted programs for kids. I basically dedicated my life to, around, and for my kids and my family. If I was asked to do something, it had to fit "the family test". If it interfered with my kids or husband in any way, I said no, and it was an easy no.
Why? Because I grew up with a very busy mother. Getting time with her didn't happen until I took a job in the office she managed when I was a junior in high school. I now know that's probably why I took the job and also took interest in the things she liked.
This isn't a pick-on, blame-mom, session at all. I feel that we all make our choices based on experiences, and we learn and improve on those experiences. It's when we don't blame and fester that these things mature us and make us better individuals. For me, maybe it has taken longer than it should have taken.
When my mom learned of my desire to write a book, she said, "you could write about your childhood." I kind of made a face and said, "I don't think so." She replied, "you didn't have a bad childhood."
I just said, "my perception is my reality." Not necessarily saying my childhood was awful, but also saying it's not up to anyone else to define what was going on in your head as a child. And boy, my head was a mess as a kid. No need or benefit to revisit that.
I don't need anyone to validate or acknowledge my past or what was or wasn't done back then, because of who I've become now. It's all good. Now.
The only lesson that should come from anyone's past is that it was yesterday.
I don't need to write about my childhood to know why I make the choices I make today, or defend the choices I've made by blaming anyone from my past.
The outcome is that I love my parents, and they did the best they could with what they knew at the time.
Years from now I hope my kids can say the same for us.
We do the best we can and so much of what we do is what we've seen modeled for us, and what our life experience has been. Sometimes that's not easy if you didn't get the Walton family card. :)
But one thing I always tell my girls when they ask me why everything seems like such a struggle:
"God wants us strong. These hard things are preparing us for bigger things. He doesn't want weaklings for when things get harder. He wants us ready. I'm sorry this is hurting your heart and I wish it was easier. All I can tell you is God is with you every step of the way and He is making you stronger every time you struggle"
.
And they say, "well, it stinks."
Yes, it does. And my mother's heart keeps speaking even while my mouth stays quiet. :(
2 comments:
Yeah, I agree with your girls. Struggling does stink. You're right though, God is in it all. I just finished writing my spiritual autobiography for class and was amazed to see how experiences in the past prepared me for who I am and what I do now. Isn't it somewhere in Romans 8 where it says "God works all things out to the good." Nothing goes to waste.
Good word.
That was then, this is now. Today is the day of salvation. Psalm 118:24 This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.
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