So I Had a Bad Day...but...

Well, today didn't go as planned. As much as I expected a "down" day after a bad migraine, I didn't expect the surprise of my old foe, anxiety. Sure, I was a little frustrated over the dog barking incessantly, and the phone ringing when I was trying to rest. I was annoyed that I was still feeling sick after being sick since before Labor Day, and enough is enough, but I haven't felt "this" in a long time, and quite honestly, nothing scares me worse than the thought or the creeping feeling of a panic attack. Nothing. Especially when I'm home alone, with no one to convince me that I'm not dying of a heart attack, because that's what it feels like.

This is one of the things I didn't talk about before. It's something I avoided telling people about, because to tell it is to relive it, if you've ever been through one. But today was a near miss, and I learned something about myself by making it through a very rough day on my own. I keep my pain to myself too much. I always have. And while I share from time to time here on my blog, what you get is mostly my "people-friendly" version of the story. You get the surface.

Today was slightly different as I went through my difficulty. I texted my husband multiple times, telling him I was afraid...I don't like how I feel...this isn't good...I texted my mom to tell her I had been sick for 2 days with a horrible migraine. I let her make me dinner, which I would normally never do. I texted 2 of my friends and told them I wasn't feeling well, one of them a fellow anxiety/panic survivor, who said, "why didn't you call me?" And she was right. Why didn't I just call? Why do I think I have to do this on my own?  Why do I hide? It just adds to the fear.

Sometimes it's others' expectations that it's not okay to fall apart. It's not okay to complain. There's something wrong with having a problem. Well, I  don't tell everyone my problems. I tell people who care, and I am ready for them if they need to tell me. And for a long time, I suffered in silence, thinking my anxiety and panic were the result of my own weakness. How wrong I was. There are actual physical reasons for this, and there are reasons beyond our understanding. Sometimes they can occur in a seemingly calm and normal setting. Sometimes they happen because of dehydration, low blood sugar, mitral valve prolapse, exhaustion, thyroid problems, or a host of other physical reasons. And yes, they can be the result of stress and a lack of rest, and I'll cop to some of those things. Good stress is stress, all the same.

I'm sharing with you today not to whine, complain, get attention, or for any other self-serving reason, but to let you know that it's okay to share your pain. I know that I'm on this earth to carry someone else's burden with them, and I hope that others would share their burdens with me. How else would I know how to help them? I have this experience to share with someone who may be sitting there thinking the way I used to think, which kept me immobilized for much longer than I needed to be, feeling things I shouldn't have been feeling for way too long.

I had a really bad day today. In fact, I've had a pretty rough week, but I'm still standing. I'm still blessed. I still have a smile on my face. I'm still getting up tomorrow to go do something fun, and hopefully I won't feel like a truck ran over my head again. But if it does, it does. I'll start over again the next day. There's always a blessing to be found in a day.

Migraine? No Problem...

"Focus on your blessings and not your problems."

I see this quote a lot, and have no choice but to focus on my blessings. My life has been a series of things not turning out the way I planned, and since there isn't a whole lot I can do about that, I look at the good things.

I also look at the bad things, not so much as "problems", but as "the way it is until it gets better", and maybe that's healthier than calling it a "problem"?

Like this past week. I haven't been feeling very well, but not too many people will know about it. In fact, just my mom, husband, and Serena knew. I had a slight "bug" while Natalie was home, and for the past few days, I've had a migraine that wouldn't go away, even with medication. I took a second dose of a medication that usually works with just one, and I was awake most of the night with pain and breathing problems.

This isn't my "problem", nor is it my "blessing". This is the way my life is and has been for many years. I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't ask for pity, I don't look for attention from everyone, and I don't make excuses. But this is something that has not been completely resolved with time or medication thus far, and I've had to adjust my life around it. Everybody has "something". This is my something.

As my husband reluctantly took me to town to print a picture I needed for my brother-in-law's benefit, I said to him, "I can do small things like this, but I know I would never make it through a school day or a work day anymore." To hear myself say that out loud is just a realization that although I am somewhat better than I used to be, I am not completely healed, and my life is still not "normal" like I want it to be. I still want to be fully functional. When I described my latest 8 day "low grade" migraine to my neurologist, he didn't seem shocked, and because I'm not trying to work, he doesn't want to mess with my medication at all. I don't do well on medication shifts...

So, for now, it is what it is, and I accept it as positively as I can, because the alternative is to be whatever that is. I don't know because I won't go there. Maybe I sound resolved or accepting of this as my life, but understand that I've been everywhere with this, and peace seems to be where I need to land. I do see the blessings, as the man I married is who God chose for me. He knew who I would need to care for me, and who I would be able to care for. Steve has said many times that he wants me home and not out working, because he wants me healthy, and he works hard so I am able to be here. Our kids have had the benefit of having me at home. So, while I haven't been the healthy woman I want to be, I see where God has provided and Steve feels I have been the one God sent for him too. So, even as ill as I've been, God has used me to care for someone else. This is my ultimate blessing, to have cared for my family. I always joke that maybe this illness was used to keep me tame, since I had a tendency to be a bit spirited when I was feeling well!

So another quote may fit here better, "It is what it is, but it will become what YOU make it", and I try to make the best of it. I am usually able to rest up after a long migraine, and for the most part, I don't have too many obligations anymore. I tend to stay away from those, because I can't stand letting people down. But I did get my photo done for the benefit, and I am excited to see who bids on it on Saturday. I feel good that I can at least do small things well. And a lot of small things can add up to a big success, at least for me.

A Dinner of Hearts

I had a migraine all day yesterday, and it was kind of a rough day. I didn't get anything on my list accomplished, and I really didn't feel like making dinner. 

Steve had a rough day at work too. His first week of the month days are always financial weeks, and they are pretty stressful, so I really felt guilty about not making dinner and taking care of my family like I usually do. 

He started making something pretty easy when he got home, and then went in to change clothes. 

Serena then stepped in to finish dinner, something she is more than capable of, and enjoys doing, but she had her college course homework to do also. 

Seeing dinner was being handled, Steve came in the living room to sit with me and see how I was doing. 

Minutes later, Serena walked in with a dish of food for me. I looked inside...

She had shaped my dinner into a heart. Then she said, "mom...if you post that on Facebook..." I told her first how sweet and thoughtful she was to do such a nice thing for me, and then said I wouldn't put it on FB. But I didn't say I wouldn't post it to my blog. :) 

She brought dinner to her dad too, and we all ate together in the living room. So much for a day being ruined by a migraine. I just keep getting blessed in spite of them. 

Fear for Courage

"Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision." It's a quote I recently posted on my facebook wall, but it's also a quote that has stuck on the wall of my mind. The words "fear" and "courage" have carried a lot of weight with me over the past few years. Life itself can be a mess of fears, or a plethora of challenges. It's all in how you approach it. It's not always easy to see a fear as a challenge, because as the quote states, "fear is a reaction." You see something scary, you jump out of the way. Well, at least I do. The problem is, sometimes we get caught up in jumping out of the way of things that aren't scary. They're just challenging us to do something that are good for us-we're just afraid to step out and do them. We use all kinds of stumbling blocks as "reasons" why we can't do something, until our fear is justified. Oh, come on. You know you've done that at least once in your life. Maybe you're over that stage in your life now, and if you are, then you know how to help someone else obliterate their own stumbling blocks.

I understand the reaction of fear most clearly in the form of illness, as I've dealt with some form of it for several years. I didn't really put the two words together- "fear" and "illness" until recently when I was put in a position to help someone going through something very similar to what I experienced when going through my own challenges. When I saw the same reaction from that person that I myself had, I suddenly realized why I went through all of those things. And while privacy prevents me from sharing those details with you, I will just confirm that we do go through things specifically so we can help someone else go through them. I am convinced of this.

The many months I spent paralyzed by fear was a time when no one could have convinced me that my fear was unfounded. It was real to me. To be told you have a seizure disorder and to not know what the future of that will mean, is very frightening to someone who has a need for control in her life. To suddenly begin several medications and again, lose control of things I once ran very smoothly, was to pull the rug out from under a very organized, inflexible person. The result was severe anxiety and panic attacks and depression, heart fluctuations which convinced me there was something terribly wrong with my heart constantly, breathing problems (all related to the anxiety), and I could no longer drive or leave the house. I avoided people. I hid my fear and my feelings from most people, especially my kids, who only recently have learned what I went through. All of those reactions were based in fear.  Not once did I "embrace" my diagnosis. Not once did I say "I can do this". Because everything was screaming in me, "you're a mess. you're going to lose your memory. you're going to lose your sight. you're going to have a seizure in public. you're going to have a panic attack in public again. you're always going to be sick. you don't deserve a normal life." These were the voices I listened to day after day even as I smiled and listened to people tell me I would be okay. I believed in fear, and I signed my name on the dotted line of its contract. Somehow I thought that was my fate. I never thought of courage. At least not for awhile.

I began to find my courage through tragedy, when my brother died and I was forced to leave the house to make the three hour, 2 day trip for his funeral. It was after that trip, and the 2 subsequent major holidays, that I was thrown into a decision. Either choose to make fear my career path, or look at what everyone around me is going through, and see that there are bigger things to go through than fixable seizures. It was a wake up call. See, you can easily get into a "tunnel of doom" when you're hurting and can't see a way out. This is one of the reasons others can be so hard on those with mental illness, and that's why there is such a stigma to it. I can say with certainty, having gone through it myself, that when you are in the throws of depression or a panic attack, that your mind has a mind of its own, and you really can't stop the thoughts that go racing through there. Sometimes you need help with that, whether it's medication or therapy. It certainly isn't people who criticize you, diminish your feelings, make you feel bad for feeling bad, or get irritated with you for being a "tunnel of doom". Do people really think you WANT to feel that way? There are people I cut completely off because they were completely without compassion for me, yet showed compassion for celebrities. Complete silliness. All I can say, looking back, is that without the struggle I went through, I would not have the knowledge, the compassion, or the strength that I have now. And anyone who comes to me who feels depressed or anxious, will not be made to feel like an "attention-seeker" or a burden. They will get what I needed and received from people who cared. Love and time.

And guess what else you need when spending time with those in need? Courage. It takes nothing from you to spend time with happy people. It's fun to be around people who are healthy and funny and like to laugh and shop and do normal things. What a drag it is when someone needs to cry and talk about something heavy, right? Wrong. We are to extend ourselves to all people. And one thing "being sick" has taught me is patience. I have had to cancel and miss out on so many things because I haven't always been the healthiest person, so I have to pick and choose the right friends who understand that about me. So, it's no surprise to me that many of my friends have health challenges also. They have a friend in me.

And just because I'm on the subject, I do want to say that while I realized my seizures were no comparison to cancer or the death of a spouse, and was so thankful for that, at that time, I was not a fan of others pointing this out to me. I don't believe in saying the words to people who are hurting, "well, at least you don't...." because guess what? It's bad enough that they feel the way they already do! The way they are feeling is 100% real, and you don't know, because you don't feel it.  No, they may not have a life threatening condition, but PAIN is PAIN, and for someone to come along and try to convince them that they could have it a lot worse DOES NOT HELP. When they realize that themselves is WHEN THAT HELPS. Our job is to simply support them in their journey to finding that out. Validating how they feel and helping them to get there is how that happens. I cannot stand to hear someone say, "you know, someone has it worse than you." Yes, well, guess what, someone has it better than me too. Does that mean I shouldn't be happy today either?? Let's stop the comparison game and let people feel what they need to feel to get to where they need to go on their own time. If you are a praying person, pray for them and with them. That's one way to help them get where they need to be. If you are a hugger, hug them. If you are a baker, bake for them. If they like to watch tv, watch tv with them. That is called loving them back to health. And if you do all that and they still aren't better, you've done all you can do. And do it all courageously.

Thank God for the courageous people who loved me back to health when I was a mess. I am so thankful for the doctors who cared enough to call me out on my fear and asked my husband if he was an enabler! He probably was! My neurologist encouraged me to do whatever I wanted without fear and if I got scared doing something, simply stop doing it and do something else! Those people breathed courage into me. God breathed courage into me the day I left the house in my yoga pants and slippers and bought that mountain dew for Hayley when she was upset. I hadn't left the house in days, but my love for her prevailed over my need for safety. Courage. It will obliterate fear, but sometimes you need fear to see what you're really made of. And I'm learning more about myself every day.