Consistency Brings Peace

Consistency. It's a word we hear when people are talking about fitness, or weight loss, or child-rearing, spiritual discipline,or any other type of habit we are trying to put in place, stop, improve, or change. When we want to change something, we must be consistent in our efforts. It's also a common word I use when referring to certain food textures, but we don't want to get started on my odd food texture aversions.

I write about relationships a lot, hence the title of my blog, "Mrs. Rogers' Neighborhood". The world is sort of like a big neighborhood of people, all trying in some way to relate to one another. Communities rely on relationships between businesses and people, schools rely on relationships between parents, teachers, staff, and students, and community. Companies are reliant upon their businesses to run smoothly between employers and employees in order for their business to thrive. When everyone is consistent in those efforts, relationships tend to go smoothly. But when one group starts to ride off into the ditch, the other group can tend to slide off with it, even if they are trying hard to stay on the road.  When everyone is working consistently toward the same goal, relationships can work really well, even if the singular components of the relationships don't always agree on the same things.

I heard a quote on TV as I was making dinner, and I stopped to write it down, as it struck a chord with me. "Relationships are mutually defined." Four words, but lots of meaning for me right now as I continue to figure out a current "relationship" that I don't understand. I don't understand it because it's not "mutually defined". Two people, whether they are friends, spouses, siblings, parent and child, or partners, will struggle in a relationship that is not defined mutually. Well, one of them will, at least, until the relationship is either defined or ended. Some relationships around me seem unbalanced, as if one partner is going one way, and the other is going home. They don't seem to be going in the same direction at all. I once even asked this defining question of this "friend", to which I received no answer. No answer is also an answer, I suppose.

I got to thinking then about consistency. For certain relationships, consistency is key. For some, consistency isn't necessary. But how do you define consistency for each relationship? For each person? I thought about that a great deal, actually, and what it means to me to be consistent in marriage is not the same as consistency in friendship. What is consistent in a close friendship is not the same as in a distant friendship. What is consistent in one friendship does not need to exist in another in order to be a friendship. However...it still needs to be consistent! And by that I mean, the way you relate to one another should not change so much that you don't recognize the relationship any longer!  Kind of answering my own question again here, "relationship" requires "relating" to one another. You know....one person talks, the other person talks, then the other person talks again. Seems easy enough!

And that's when I decided that consistency was very important to me. Well, I always knew it was, but I hadn't defined it that way. If you're going to be my friend and ask me how I'm doing and check in with me and care about my life and you're doing it on a very regular basis, and then you suddenly treat me like a stranger, and then you start up again with some very odd behavior in which you seem to recognize me again, but not in the same warm way as before, I may do one of two things: call the psych ward and have you committed, or just be done playing your weird game. Save your odd drama for your mama. Maybe she understands you better.

 In all seriousness though, when you are consistent in someone's life, you are giving them the gift of your time and your attention. What you are saying is, "You are important to me. I care about you and what's going on in your life. I want you in my life because you are special to me." Being inconsistent to someone you say you love is hurtful no matter what age they are, what relationship it is, or how much time has gone by. If you truly care about someone, even your exit from their life should be consistent. An explanation, a conversation in which the other party is allowed to express their feelings, perhaps. An apology, some type of exchange, whether they appreciate your reasoning or not, will go a long way in earning respect and hopefully eliminating that "betrayal" image of you that will otherwise burn in their hearts forever.  Maybe they'll forgive you, but maybe not.  Even a divorce can be "amicable" when issues are discussed between two mature people who can somehow put drama aside in order to move on and do what needs to be done for the betterment of the whole family.

 Consistency isn't always pretty, some think it's unnecessary, but I believe it's the key to healthy relationships of any kind. Do what you say you're going to do. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Keep your promises. Don't make promises you can't keep. Honor your words and your actions. Every time. Consistency is integrity. Especially when it's not easy or convenient. In other words, don't be a neener nanny. Be a man or a woman. If someone asks to talk to you because YOU hurt them, then you do it.

I like consistency. It's security. I like that I can count on my husband's consistency. He's the same person to me every day, and I know what to expect. I like the consistency of my  close friends and my family. My kids can count on my consistency with them as well. I believe kids who are disciplined well are more secure because they have clear and consistent boundaries and know they have your attention. Even my dog appreciates consistency. She appreciates going out at the same times each day and night, and her food and water being there and fresh every day. My family appreciates that I cook dinner for them every night, and they can expect that I am always here for them for whatever they need. Since I was hit with a migraine two days ago, I was forced to change my plans to do many things that day and it also involved not being able to help another person that night. I don't enjoy being inconsistent, but being ill doesn't come with a schedule! 

If I'm being honest, I don't always enjoy having to be consistent either. Sometimes I don't want to do what I said I was going to do! I don't always want to deal with a situation when I'm tired, but someone needs me. But being a consistent person means you do it anyway. You don't get to stop being a friend because it becomes inconvenient or hard for you. You don't stop making dinner for your family because you're tired. You don't stop disciplining the kids because you're frustrated, and don't even get me started on why you don't give up on potty training or putting the toddler back in their own beds at night consistently! It must be done. Being consistent with diet and exercise will get you the health results you're looking for. Being consistent with medication will hopefully bring a resolution of symptoms or healing. Being consistent with work habits and studying or being on time may get you better grades and promotions or recommendations. Writing every day makes you a better writer!  I hope.

Sometimes consistency just brings you peace, if nothing else. When you continue to pick the weeds out of the garden, the plants look more beautiful. When you continue to keep the house clean, there is no build up of clutter. When you intentionally commit yourself to doing something consistently, you will see change. When you get up every day and do the same thing, it becomes a habit. Whether that is reading your bible, spending time with God, quiet time with your kids or spouse, exercising, or whatever your life requires for peace, consistency will bring that peace to you.

Relationships are mutually defined. Consistency brings peace. Then maybe relationships that are mutually consistent should also bring peace, and I believe they do. If being consistent to ourselves brings peace, then how much more peace can we bring to someone else by being consistent with them too? It would mean a lot more to me to have a twice-a-year meaningful conversation with an old friend, than a non-conversation with someone I thought was a friend twice a month. Consistency isn't how often you talk, but the depth of how you relate, and the fact that you care to relate, not just regurgitate the happenings of your own life, but that you invest in their life too. If I'm being consistent with me, I'll be consistent with you too, because I want us both to have peace and something real to take home, even if we don't talk again for a really long time.

I suppose "consistent", when done positively can be interchanged with a lot of other qualities with a similar idea. Responsible, dependable, honorable, reliable, honest, committed, loyal. Those are qualities I look for in others and qualities I want them to see in me. Life isn't always consistent with me, but I can be consistent with my habits, and I can choose to surround myself with people who are consistent with me.

A Whisper of Grace

Have you ever gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom? I know some women who are giving me "the look" right now, especially if you're over 40, and your bladder isn't sleeping like a well-trained puppy anymore. (My bladder doesn't have this problem, but that's another post, lol) Anyway, you stumble your way to the door in the dark, reaching for the doorknob, which apparently disappeared somehow after you brushed your teeth, and has mysteriously landed near your window, because that's where you discover you are now standing, and have realized you are completely turned around and disoriented just 4 feet from your own bed! Yes, I have done this in my own home many times. For some reason, I just can't navigate my way through my dark house without a light on anymore! I am getting lost and disoriented in a place where I am most familiar. That is so confusing to me!

But it also brings to mind where my faith has been these past few years. These past several years have been years of trials for me and my family. And maybe that's the way it's going to be from now on, as we get older and life becomes what life really is-moments of joy mixed with moments of sadness, requiring me to only live in the moment. But I know I've focused too much on the valley of the trials, because I've felt the struggle of clawing my way back up to get to the top of  the mountain where the air is clear and it's bright up there. The problem is, that isn't what life is about at all. I've been fooling myself. It never really gets "easier", and the valley is always waiting to take me back. While I know all about "wandering in the desert", I keep my hands on my own troubles, trying to steer my own way, because I think if I can just control things, they will get fixed. Yet, I can't control illness. I can't stop people from dying. I can't stop terrible bosses. I can't change so many things. But I can stop trying. I can trust God has a plan for all of this. LIKE HE HAS PROMISED ME.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11

 I spent a lot of time rebelling against the hard times and the sadness, and not enough time waiting to allow God to help me use it for His purpose, to show His grace through me. I say I have faith, but I don't have enough, because I don't allow myself the joy that God would give me in the waiting. I don't have peace, and if I did, I would truly understand these trials all have a purpose. Maybe not a reason, but a PURPOSE. One that brings hope, and not more hurt.  I would fully be able to let go and let God. Not with a sigh, not with reservation, but full well knowing that God has a plan for every heartbreak, every disappointment, every lost person, every lost job, every lost dream, ability, and every single tear that rolls down my face. Does that mean I'll never have a bad day? No, but I will focus on my Source of light instead of my darkness, which is myself, trying to drag me back to the valley.

We can stumble along in the dark, fumbling for a doorknob to get to the right door, or a light switch to lead the way, or we can immediately go to the light and make sure we go in the right direction. We can stop and ask the locals for directions, but sometimes they don't know where the detours are, or they don't have a good sense of direction themselves. There really is only one Source that knows which way you should go with the circumstances you've been given. I'm going to stop asking God "why" He placed these obstacles in front of me because it only hampers my progress and my faith. I'm going to stop being angry that my plans aren't my own. I can hardly be a whisper of grace if I am wearing boxing gloves and yelling "why" in the corner of the ring all the time.

Why does anything happen to anyone? I don't know. There are a lot of senseless things happening around us in our communities and in our country that just break my heart, and I sometimes can't help but question "why"? All I can do is hold on to the promise that God has a purpose and a plan for everything, and comfort for all who hold on tight to Him.

"This is the day the Lord has made;let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

I Hear You

I brought up a kindergarten memory to my husband last night, as I was trying to remember my Halloween costumes as a child. I could only remember one costume clearly, a Raggedy Ann my mom had made for me, and I remember getting to be at the front of the parade through the school, and feeling so proud to get to hold my teacher's hand. I thought she was the most beautiful teacher I had ever seen. I was painfully shy, and not in a cute way, but a terrified way, which held me back from making friends. In fact, I don't remember making friends at all in elementary school until much later on, and then they probably weren't the best kind of friends for me. I had a lot of issues as a kid, and the circumstances and details don't matter now, but it makes me realize that we sometimes judge people too harshly without knowing anything about them at all.  We tell people who are troubled to "snap out of it", or "don't talk about your problems so much", or "stop being so negative", or a lot of other dismissive statements that tell people that what they say isn't acceptable. But do we ever think about why people are that way in the first place? The popular thing to think and say is, "that happened a long time ago. It's in the past. Don't live in the past. Move on. Live your life in the present and be happy now." I don't disagree with that statement at all. I'm just saying it's easier said to another than done yourself.

There are so many things people have overcome, and it's great to celebrate that. But remember that there are so many things people still struggle with, and that's okay too. Sometimes it's in our struggle that we learn what we are meant to learn. Sometimes it's in our struggle that we meet the people we are supposed to meet. Either to help us or to help them. Not to commiserate or sit around and trade troubles and stories, but to learn new ways of coping and healing. It's okay to share your burdens, in fact, it's necessary. What's not okay is to put on a fake smile and pretend you don't have any and tell others to get over their own.  I do know there is a difference between chronic whining and genuinely sharing a concern and needing support. I don't think there is a fine line there at all. It's a big broad line!

One thing I've learned through growing up in a painfully small town where everyone knows everyone's business is that not everyone has the same advantages as everyone else. This means that some people have really cool supportive families and some don't. Some have church and some don't. Some have parents and some don't. Some are doing really well in school and some don't. Some kids are well-adjusted and healthy and some are not.  Pardon my poor use of sentence structure to make my point. If there was a checklist for a successful person, and all of these things were listed, not everyone could check every great thing. That's just the great and terrible thing about life.
And as we grow up, we hopefully start to learn from the people around us that even though we have none or a few of those things, we can start to make a better life for ourselves using what we have. But what it won't be is easy or smooth, and sometimes that makes a person a little different than others. Sometimes those differences make life interesting. Sometimes those differences make a person a little more "colorful", because how could it not?

I am colorful. I grew up in a household with a lot of interesting things and situations and I figured some things out and some things I never learned. I lacked a lot of the advantages that I saw around me, but I didn't know that at the time. It really isn't until you grow up and begin to raise your own family that you realize your own deficits or strengths sometimes. Maybe that's why you become more introspective as you get older. It isn't as easy to "live in the moment" when realizations are coming to you at a time in your life when you're trying to also "move on" and embrace changes. It's a very walking-on-eggshells period of life, and no one can tell you how to live it well or gracefully until they have felt it themselves. Everyone is going through their own "stuff", big and small. The least we can do is just be aware of that and not be so quick to judge.

It is okay to revisit your past if it brings you healing to a situation that you need to face and deal with for the first time in your life. There are some life issues that require digging, and some that just require forgetting. We all know which ones belong in which category, and no one else can choose that for us. What we don't need to do is share our lives like an open book in order to seek attention. All that will get us is a lot of people who suddenly lose interest, and will find much better things to do than listen to you or me carry on all day long. I have at least a few people in my life who wouldn't care if I carry on about the wrong stuff for awhile, but then would gently lead me back. That's the way love is supposed to work, and I do that for them too.

I recently came across an article that was very helpful to me in helping me understand why I have been struggling with a particular situation. It shed light on various behaviors of mine, past and present, that have caused me to be my own stumbling block. While all this time I have been trying to deal with the symptoms of my problem, I now can deal with the cause and heal the root of it. Now I know also how to pray about this too. Had I not taken the time to revisit this, I would probably still be struggling in this area, wondering why I do what I do, and continuing to feel the hurt that it causes. Yes, sometimes it is healing to look back. But now I can look forward.  What this didn't require was sharing it with 5 of my closest friends. Sometimes you can get the answers within yourself, by prayer, or with one friend who is wise and doesn't gossip.

I've had to also look back at my health, so that sometimes I can see how far I've come, because there are days I lose my positive attitude, and I forget my goals. I have to remember those 9 months stuck in a chair, so that I can remember that I am not stuck in a chair anymore! So far I have been able to use my past experiences to encourage others and use their experiences with chronic illness to live a better existence. The ultimate goal for me in revisiting my past is to encourage myself or others, not for pity or to dwell there, but to remember how far I've come.  It's not a great experience to deal with health issues, but not every conversation has to be about health issues either. If you read my blog, you may think that's all I talk about, but you don't talk to me every day, do you? It's what I write about, not how I live my daily life.  Believe it or not, the rest of my life is rather private.

I think what we as people lack most in this world is an understanding for each other. I don't think that requires a whole lot of explanation. I think we want to be accepted, yes, but most of all, we just want to be understood. It's why people whine, I think. Because maybe they tried to tell someone 1 or 2 times, and they weren't heard. So they tried 3 or 4 times, then 5 or 6, and finally by the tenth time of telling, it became whining, and so they were misunderstood. By then no one wants to listen or even care at that point. I've seen that happen to people, and I've kind of felt it myself when I don't feel heard or understood. It's not a good feeling to feel like you have to yell or complain to get someone to understand you! It's not what you want at all.

It doesn't take much to see that there is more to a person than what meets the eye. There is so much more to you and me than what we show the world or what I write here. And yes, we're busy and we're caught up in our own stuff, and we don't always take the time to really figure out why a person is the way they are, but when we do, it's kind of an awesome thing to connect with a real person. Even if you can't relate, to make a person feel heard and understood is a true blessing for both of you. It's easy to tell everyone to be positive and live in the moment. It's easy to say all the "good things", but if we are doing what they need, we have to stop and listen first and say something they need to hear first. Usually an "I hear you" is pretty sufficient.

Don't judge me until you've sat across from me, looked in my eyes, and heard me speak. I won't judge you until I've done the same. Actually let's not judge each other at all. Let's just listen and see what happens.

Chronic Awareness

It is rare to find a person who really listens and responds to what you say these days. People are so busy thinking of their next comment that they don't even hear what the other person just said to them. In these situations, I often catch myself saying quietly to myself, "okay, never mind.." to which the person says, "what were you saying?" It's kind of a dismissive way of treating people that seems to be present everywhere, and I don't mean to say it just happens to me. I notice it everywhere I go, and I don't really go a lot of places these days. I even get meaningless messages from a person who really says nothing of value to me, then doesn't bother to respond when I say anything of value back, so I'm not sure why this person is even "communicating" to me. Bored? I don't know. I'm a person, and I like being treated like a person with feelings, and as I've gone through more and more difficult things, I want to be around insensitive people less and less. What's the point of a relationship if there's no actual "relating"?

I've sat in a group of people, heard one person make a very heavy statement about her feelings, and the group just went right over the top of it like she never said it. I've had my own conditions treated like the common cold. I've seen people in stores break down in tears and people walk right by them like they are mannequins. And I won't get started on how people drive. That will just get me all worked up!  I don't get why people are starting to seem like all they care about is what THEY want, how THEY feel, where THEY are going, and how fast they can get there without getting bothered by someone else. It seems insensitivity is getting as popular as whatever the popular fad is today.

In describing my seizures during Epilepsy Awareness month, a person could only tell me how much worse it was for her, having to check on her sister throughout the night, as if I should be thankful that I don't have it worse. Here's a thought when dealing with people who have any chronic issue or just a common cold. "Hey, I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I feel for you!" Then feel free to share your experience. But never dismiss someone's experience or feelings by trying to make your situation or someone else's situation seem so much worse. That is called emotional dismissiveness. It makes the person feel like they have no support from you whatsoever, and if enough people act this way toward that person, it can lead to depression. Depression can lead to worse symptoms, including suicide. The truth is, lots of people have it worse than someone else, but that doesn't change the hell you are feeling inside, and it doesn't change that it is your battle and no one else's. Yes, someone has cancer and you have migraines. One is so much worse, and use that for perspective, but don't pretend you don't have pain because someone else's pain is worse. That is like pretending you're not happy because someone else can't be happy. Live your truth and be compassionate toward the unique journey of others too. But never dismiss your own pain, or you will carry it inside and it will eat you up in there. It's not whining, complaining, or being a hypochondriac. It's not your "nerves", or your "menopause". It's pain! Don't let anyone dismiss you, judge you, belittle you, or ignore you because you don't fit into their idea of what a person should be or how a sick person should look or act like. Everyone should have an illness for at least a day to know what another person has to deal with every day. Grow some compassion, is what I always say. Why do others feel they need to "fix you" anyway? Why is it so hard to accept that a sick person is sick and sometimes there is no cure and they have to learn how to live with something? It's not attention-seeking, it's life. If they had a cast on, everyone would sign it and bring a casserole! The judging needs to stop, and people need to be understood. Invisible illnesses are just as important as visible ones, and some of them take lives too. Epilepsy kills just as many as breast cancer, but you don't hear that on TV!

I think of all the times in the past  I've had to psyche myself up to go places because I was trying to adjust to seizure medication and my brother's death at the same time. I couldn't go anywhere by myself for about 9 months. I could not take a shower if no one was home because I couldn't balance well and I was so tired afterwards that I didn't even get dressed. I didn't walk to the end of the driveway without a stick in my hand. I rarely left my chair or my bed. I felt uneasy all the time. I would try to go places with my family, but keep the keys in my hand so I could escape to the car at any time. I often did that because I would start feeling strange in crowded places. Who would have ever thought a person like me would ever have to go through an experience like that? Afraid to leave my house? Unable to take my kids to school for almost a year, and when I did, I pulled over on the way home to breathe? No one knows what a person is going through....so be gentle.

Someone who was previously bouncy and friendly and fun with you can become the complete opposite on medication. People you once knew one way can change when they become ill, lose a precious family member, lose a job, a home, or any other major life change. Sometimes we get caught up thinking someone is treating us a certain way, but we don't have all the facts! One of my medications caused me to lose 50 pounds. The list of side effects on seizure medications is brutal. But remember, people only see the outside, and when people see you losing weight, it's interesting how many don't clap for you! I kept hearing, "you better not lose any more weight." "You're looking too thin". No one said, "oh my gosh, are you sick??" See how easy it is to distinguish who cares about you and who just worries that you might be "succeeding" too much? Yeah, one of the side effects is anorexia, which is a major loss of appetite. I had to be reminded to eat every day for months. Not everything is what it appears to be. I lost a lot of hair along with that weight too. I lost a lot of my happy-go-lucky personality and became a little more irritable too, even Natalie at one point said, "I want my old mom back." That medication is not my friend or yours. Thankfully, I am somewhat of my old self most of the time, but not altogether the same. Just a hint, if a person you haven't seen in awhile has lost a lot of weight, just tell them it's nice to see them. It's simpler that way.

Do you realize how many people are walking around on medications that totally mess with their body chemistry and their minds?? It's a struggle to function with a condition going on in your body let alone all the side effects people deal with. Then add to that people who give you a hard time about it or don't listen well, and then wonder why anxiety and depression are so common among the sick? I don't wonder at all. The suicide rate among people with anxiety and depression is scary, and they don't commit suicide out of selfishness. They commit suicide as a way to relieve immense emotional and/or physical pain that will not end any other way as they see it at that desperate point. It's a way to end pain. Period. I have had the blessing of getting to know a mother and sister of a young man who committed suicide at age 26, and neither one of them believe he was selfish, but that he could see no way out of his pain. They now spend their days educating about mental illness and supporting other families and people who struggle with any kind of mental illness or have suicidal thoughts. I believe that is the purpose of any pain, to use it to help others see a way out of theirs in the most positive way possible.

So I believe we are a part of helping people ease their pain. I know how the people around me can help ease mine, and I've become much more vocal about how I need to be treated. I've spoken up and said exactly how I feel when the wrong things are said to me. I won't take it inside and let it hurt me anymore. And if I see anyone I know or don't know hurting or struggling, I want to help them. Pain is a signal that something is wrong, but it's also a trigger to see what you can do to make it count for something good. Now that I have 3 conditions to balance, I often wonder what I'm supposed to do with these. Juggle?

I'm actually not one of those people who believes "everything happens for a reason". I think that's just a cool saying people share, but I believe things just "happen", and sometimes there is no reason. I think there is a purpose to the pain that comes from the thing if we are willing to let God use us to see it through. I don't know why my plan for my life is so vastly different from how it is seeming to turn out. If I could show you my goals and plans on paper and what has actually happened, you would see apples and oranges. For instance, I want to climb a mountain in Alaska one day, but physically, I can't even walk around a town for 2 blocks without bladder pain and major discomfort. I wanted to start a workout plan. I love to be active. I wanted to do more with my photography. I wanted to travel. I wanted my own business one day. I wanted..I wanted...I wanted...and none of it may happen because my health just doesn't agree with my plans. Also, I'm not a juggler by trade!
 But God says His plans are bigger for me, and even though my plans don't work out on paper, I have to believe my purpose is not what I thought it was, and I have to keep following whatever God wants me to do instead.

 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

This isn't to say I'm going without a fight. I am not always the most patient person!  Every day I wake up and I'm frustrated when I can't just go on my hour long hike through the back woods like I used to. I'm mad that I can't run if I want to, and I wonder about those future grandkids, if I'll be able to chase them around the park like I've always pictured. I can't spend time wallowing in self-pity or waste time wondering why, because it's actually pretty easy to go there sometimes.  As anyone with a chronic illness knows, it's a vicious cycle of "feel okay for awhile, feel terrible, nothing is helping, end of the world, start to feel a little better," and repeat! But I do have to remember to stop trying to force my way, because I have no control over this. Obviously.

 And keeping in mind there are a few people in my life with chronic illness,  they are some of the strongest, most compassionate people I know. A couple of my close friends, and my own sister deal with illness every day and yet are still able to help others. My brother Tim, who had  rare, experimental heart surgery is now over helping my mom with her chores when he is able. My dad struggled with a back injury since his early forties, had spinal stenosis, which was extremely painful for him, had a painful hip he was always dealing with, congestive heart failure, and yet he never wavered when offering help to others. In fact, he was helping at a funeral just days before his death. Not many people knew or understood how much pain he dealt with, but I knew. I saw it, and I saw the side effects of his medications, and he was the one helping me deal with mine. We connected because we both struggled with trying to find a way to live while illness was trying to take our joy away. My dad was always here helping me with anything I needed, never complaining about his pain. His example reminded me that joy comes from helping others, even while we are going through our own trials.

Obviously, everyone's journey is going to be different. Not everyone with MS will be able to do what my father-in-law can do, and some people with these diseases and conditions like mine have it much better or worse than others. I think the point is that we can't give up or give in to what we were handed. I will still find a way to help others, even if it's not in the way that I'm accustomed to helping. I'm already way out of my comfort zone, so what's a little farther? With God, anything is possible. Even healing, if we are hopeful.

Good True Colors

A person's true colors come out during the worst times of your life...so the popular quote goes, and I spent a lot of time thinking that was a terrible thing. As time has gone by and I've grown through some of those worst times, I've been able to see that it's a good thing to see the truth of that statement. It's good to see the truth of people sometimes, even if it hurts right down to your soul. The truth does indeed hurt, as another famous quote reminds. It's harder to see the truth about ourselves sometimes too!

I spent way too much time making excuses for people, who honestly didn't deserve them, just for the sake of protecting myself. Sometimes we go out of our way to protect others, sometimes we go out of our way to protect ourselves. Whether it's because they are hurting or we are, sometimes hurt blinds us to what we need to say or do, and we hurt much longer than necessary. I learned through great pain that it is perfectly okay and human to let go of someone who is causing me pain, even if that person once brought me joy. Sometimes people don't change, and no amount of our excuses for them (or us) can bring about a miracle, an apology, or a healing forgiveness as long as they are too present in our lives.

Sometimes you have to evaluate your losses too. Is it really a loss when someone leaves you? Is it really "devastating" when a friend lets you down? When people don't do what you expect/need/want from them at a time when you need/expect/want? When true colors are revealed, our own true colors are also revealed. We find that we were expecting things maybe we shouldn't have been expecting-from the wrong source. We might have been needing the wrong things. We may have been wanting what we shouldn't have been wanting in the first place. I think true colors are a set up! They are there as a wake-up call. Not to see who are the so-called "bad-guys" in your life, but maybe some of the choices we make aren't the ones we should have been making in the first place. Sometimes we make immature moves, expecting the other person to be mature and fix our mess. Ooh, I said that, and yes, I was talking about me! But hey, sometimes it's the other way around too.

Choosing gossips, shallow-minded people, people with other agendas on their minds, people who weren't invested in your life anyway, etc...Those are the ones we shouldn't have been depending on for our emotional support in the first place! It's no wonder when tragedy strikes in our lives, they are the first to disappear, say the wrong thing, say NOTHING, say rude or flippant things, and just don't seem to stick around much at all. We have to be responsible too, for relying on people too much, and for depending too much on people to give us support when they can't even support themselves half the time. I fell heart first into this trap, and I got my heart broken into a million pieces, and believe me, it has been a hard crawl out of it. When you invest in someone's life who you think invested in yours too, then find out they don't, it hurts your soul! But it teaches you too.

It has taught me that I should have turned to God first for what and Who I needed when my world started crashing down. When illness and tragedy were coming down around me, I needed to be still, and just wait for God. I also turned to my Christian friends, who offered prayer and Biblical support, which is what I needed most. I held fast to my family, of course, who kept me afloat. When God is given the opportunity to work, He will work. He will take a broken heart and mend it. He may not mend the broken relationships from before, because I've asked Him about that many times. His answer has been silent. I know that if He feels a relationship is healthy for me, He will bring it to me, and if not, I will not be a part of it. It is so much easier to let Him choose for me. He just needed me to pull off an Anna and "let it go".

I am sweetly surprised by the kind people He brought to me after my dad passed. A sweet lady from my former church blesses me with cards every so often, and I barely knew her before. I feel I know her in a new way now, and I am grateful for her life touching mine. My dear friends, though the circle is small, seem to know when I need a pick me up text, though their lives are busy too. I struggle to have a normal life at this time, dealing with illness, but they have not left me behind, and I could not be more grateful to them for their loyalty to me. Most people don't like to be bothered by "sick people", but I don't consider myself to be "sick". I am simply going through a challenge. And the people who are willing to go through this challenge with me, will certainly be going through my celebration with me too. As I've said many times before, I've made mistakes as a friend. That's no secret! But I'm trying to learn, and I don't want to repeat the same mistakes, and I am not the person I was before. I'm not even the person I was last year. Loss and illness tend to grow a person up a bit and change perspectives on things.

Don't be afraid to look at the colors of those around you, and make sure that you are in relationships for the right reasons. Be present for people. Don't repeat their secrets or their happenings in their lives to others. Be loyal to them and care about what's going on in their lives, or don't be there at all. Invest or withdraw. It's simple. Be a good, true color to at least one person.

Froo Froo Barbecue

This past week has been a real stinker of a challenge. And while I'm keeping the details close to the vest, let's just say "wow" didn't see that coming. I think it's a pretty good call that I'm in a major testing zone, and someone keeps giving me more tests than I have pencils for!   Sometimes life just keeps kicking you right square in the face, and you just keep getting back up. And sometimes you have so much negative going on that you just have to get back to the humor....or you might just lose your mind for good.

I had to go all the way to Ann Arbor to see my neurologist today.  On the way back we decided to try out a barbecue place, only because my doc was talking about how they had this nitrogen-processed custard we just had to try sometime. He wouldn't stop talking about barbecue and I hadn't had my lunch yet. Sneaky Chuck.  So, we were lured into this place mostly by the intoxicating smell that only barbecued foods emit, and we decided to forget our issues for awhile and pork out. Pun intended. Side thought, why do places always smell better than they taste? Exception: Burger King-Yuck and yuck.

We looked over the menu. Hmmm...This "barbecue" seemed a little "weird", I thought. I started looking at hubs kind of funny. I mean, this guy knows his barbecue. He's the best griller, smoker, and meat flipper in our family, so I already know this place has no hope with me at all. But I started looking at the menu items, and there was nothing basic. No "pulled pork" sandwich. No smoked chicken. No brisket. Nothing plain at all. I'm reading things like "topped with arugula, deep fried pickles, and chipotle mayo", "goat cheese topping, radishes, and some weird freakin' aioli", and on and on. I gave him my "this is a secret conversation" look, and he bent over to hear me say, "This is froo froo barbecue".

Yep. It's much like the last barbecue place we visited in a downtown area. It's jumping with loud music, I mean, really loud, but it's stuff you don't recognize if you're over 30, because it's somewhere on the satellite channel of "froo froo barbecue on the 2's".  And yeah, it had the weird ice cream/custard thing, but it tasted like that icy cheap stuff we bought at Aldi that we left in the freezer too long. I mean, I'm not against loud or new music, but it's gotta be good. This music made me want to grow a man bun, and none of the sandwiches even seemed to come with just regular ole buns. After seeing all of the strange and scary smoky things they put in macaroni and cheese, and the smoked croutons in the caesar salad,  I lost it. I mean, I'm somewhat of a foodie, but you messed with barbecue. BARBECUE. Stop smoking EVERYTHING! Stop trying to put pine nuts and lettuce on my brisket. STOP IT!

I wanted to cry out, "Just bring me a bun. on a plate. put some smoked meat on the bun. Put a bun on top. Bring me the plate. No sweet potato fry. Real potato fry.  No froo froo."  But instead, we ordered soup. Mexican SOUP. At a barbecue place!

We ate that mexican soup and that italian bread that came with it, and that really weird icy and not creamy ice cream, tipped our sweet server finely, and we high-tailed our 40 and 50 something butts out of there. Obviously we were not froo froo enough for that barbecue place at all.
There really is no place like home for the best barbecue anyway. Lesson learned. My doc should stick to taking care of my brain, not my belly.

Just Another Day with Chronic Illness

I haven't been doing much writing lately, in fact, I haven't been doing much of anything these days. I've been struggling with my health issues all summer, and quite honestly, I'm exhausted just trying to keep up with myself. I'm exhausted just trying to keep my head above the water. Trying to "stay positive". So ironic, isn't it? Everyone loves it when someone who is struggling can be a positive role model, but do they really understand just how hard that is on a person sometimes? I know they have no idea, because I tell only one person what I am really going through because he is the only one who really sees it and understands just how hard it is. I am tired of hearing from people who don't understand that "you would feel better if you would just..." or "maybe you need to get your hormones checked", or the many other things I hear that don't support me and just make me feel it's all my fault for being sick. They don't know how hard I am already fighting to stay out of the cycle of anxiety and depression that sickness causes.

I just found out yesterday that I can actually get disability benefits from one of the diseases I have (interstitial cystitis), because it is considered as "debilitating as the end stages of renal failure and kidney dialysis and the equivalent of cancer pain". While I am not applying for benefits at this time, and my pain has not reached this level, my ability to fully  participate in life has definitely gone downhill. You would never know this by looking at me, would you? Nope. I still have a smile on my face. I still have a sparkle in my eye. I still post all my happy things on facebook, but inside, I am wondering what the hell am I gonna do with this mess called my life. How am I going to enjoy life in the midst of all this turmoil?

I have been stuck in a "flare" with my illness since spring, which makes any physical activity next to impossible. I can't walk for very long, I can't ride my bike, shop for a day, and I don't leave my house unless I'm with someone who "gets" that I need to sit down frequently or be near restrooms almost constantly. Add to this my frequent migraines, sometimes a few a week, and the added seizure disorder, and panic attacks that sneak in, and I wonder sometimes what happened to the semi-normal person I used to be? I used to be carefree and worry-free, and now my purse is a pharmacy, and everyone with me has to hear about my conditions, and why I can't go here or there or do this or that, or why I have to cancel at the last minute or commit to anything. I look around at what I used to be doing and I'm not doing any of it anymore. Life has become very much a burden. I'm a fighter, and not a giver-upper and lately I've just been pretty angry that any of this is happening, because I just feel like I've had enough. I don't understand why. Just why?

The grief in the last four years has been heavy and hard to bear on top of everything, making healing even harder. And when doctors tell me to exercise, I just look at them like they are idiots. Don't they know how much I would love to be able to do that again? My body won't cooperate with my mind. I feel good for a day, do something physical, then pay for it for two days.

I have prayed for God to remove this thorn from my side, as the apostle Paul did, and for whatever reason, He is just not removing it, but it seems it is just in there tighter and tighter. While my faith is intact, my energy is low. While others are out enjoying life and doing things I wouldn't even imagine doing, I am home sick, and that is the part I don't understand. I don't know God's purpose in this. Why He would be withholding my own life from me when that's all I've ever needed in order to be the woman I need to be for His service. Makes no sense.

I needed to vent today, because if I don't, it gets very ugly for the poor man's ears who has to listen to me, and the things he has to hear worry him very much. I would love to go walk in the woods the way I used to, but I can't do that anymore, so I can't release a lot of the stress going on in my mind the way I need to do. I won't be sharing this on Facebook, because to be honest, some people read it, and don't comment, so I don't think that's really a big help to me right now. I'd rather talk to the wind.

Thanks for listening, wind.

Heart Follower

I've heard people say that at some time or another in their lives they've given too much to someone, gotten hurt or taken advantage of, and that they'll "never do that again." I'm here to tell you, "yes, you will do that again." And if you don't, you just might be missing out on something great.

I've done that time and time again. It's not that I don't learn from my experiences, or that I don't see it coming. It's not that I'm that naive or short-sighted, or that you are any of those things either. Speaking for myself at least, I am a "heart-thinker". I lead with my heart most times, and I tell my brain to take a back seat. While that may sound ill-advised, I don't regret it at all, even though it has caused me pain and sleepless nights. What it doesn't cause me is regret.  Because at least when leading with the heart, you lead with love, and love takes you where logic cannot possibly go.

Logic tells you with certainty what can and cannot be done, while love tells you anything is possible. While that may sound "head in the clouds", sometimes that's exactly what you need to do to get something you want. Or someone. My passionate and diligent heart is why I can keep going when things aren't going well anywhere in my life. If my brain was in charge, I would be in some type of psychiatric facility. You might be laughing, but it has a grain of truth for me. Looking at my life in a logical way, things don't look that great on paper. Starting with my medical situations (plural), my fears based on the last year's events, being healthy more than 2 days in a row, reaching any kind of goal I set besides finishing household chores, and sometimes just wondering why things are the way they are. The list goes on, and it gets too repetitively stuck in my head sometimes. But what my heart tells me is "Keep going. There is more to this." So I return to my "heart-state", where I can be free to feel kindness, hope, positivity, love, and the strength I need to keep on keeping on.

Vulnerability comes with a big price tag, and it's just one of the many drawbacks of thinking with your blood-pumper rather than your noggin. It forces you to allow others to come fully in with the possibility of destroying what you are giving out. I admit this has happened to me more times than I can count. I fully invest in someone with honest intentions, caring about them, wanting good things for them, and sometimes I find out they are more interested in either what I can give them or how I made them feel, rather than actually caring about me.  And I know this by how easily they can let me go, yet how much it hurts me when they leave. Yeah, that one really stinks, but it is part of caring about people. It's the bad side of using your heart to lead you around. Kind of like using a braille menu at a toxic waste dump. It has its drawbacks. I admit I don't recover as well as I should, but I make no apologies for that. I never apologize for the way I feel or for hurting when something feels real to me. In a world of "fake feelings", and "fake posts", I find it refreshing when someone says, "I'm hurting and I need someone to care." Well, it's rare, isn't it? It shouldn't be. Might be why mental illness and suicide are so frowned upon these days. No one is allowed to feel what they feel without someone judging. Be happy and "get over it" and everyone loves you. Have a rough day or a negative feeling, and everyone leaves you. That's pretty backwards if you ask me. But nobody did. That was free.

I don't regret my feelings or saying what I need to say when I need to say it. I can sleep at night knowing I tell people how I feel about them or how they made me feel. Leading with the heart leaves nothing unsaid. Leading with your brain constantly tells you to suppress your feelings, but your feelings will always be bubbling to the surface! They will keep you up at night, I promise you. It doesn't mean every feeling you have will lead you to what you want, or that it will be returned, or that expressing yourself will always lead to peace. But in the end, I can't have peace if I let my heart down by not listening to the nudges I get inside it.

I know Who leads my heart, and I know who gets in my head, and I choose to follow the One who leads me to choose love even though it often comes with pain. I pray for the ones who are still in my heart but have chosen not to stay in my life. It's funny how that works when you are a heart-driven person. I can't stop caring about them even though they hurt me, and I still leave the door open. That's what it means to love. If my brain was in charge, I would forget their names forever. Choose your heart. It knows better.

When You Know Your Worth

When you know your worth,
you'll know when it's time to let go....

Of people who let go of you first.
of habits that no longer serve you positively.
Of time-wasting actions that lead to a purposeless existence.
Of negative thoughts that leave your heart in pieces. 
of memories that only serve to remind you of your mistakes. 
of behaviors that don't match your values. 
of words that damage others' hearts.
of carelessness that leads to another's heartbreak.
of hatred and unforgiveness that only holds back your love for others. 
of self-destruction, self-hatred, self-pity, self-focus. of self. 
of opinions that are meant to tear another down instead of listen and share. 
of putting yourself above everyone and everything else.
of listening to all the wrong voices and forgetting to listen to the One. And your own. 
of lies you've been told your whole life. You won't believe them anymore. You know your truth. 
of what everyone else thinks of you. You know who you are now. Be proud. 
Of your failures. They are your lessons  you won't repeat the same ones twice. 
Of your shame. There is so much good in you and you know that now. 
Of your guilt. You have forgiven yourself and moved on from the past. It's over. 
Of your need to control everything. The outcome isn't dependent on how good we are. 
Of your need to control the actions of everyone else. Most times it's not about us anyway. 
Of needing to be right all the time. You are ready to learn from others now. 
Of thoughtlessness. People who feel worthy want others to feel worthy too. 
Of requiring a "title", an income, a wedding band, or whatever else you think you need to show "worth" to the world. No. You are worth so much more than anything you could ever own or be. 

I felt compelled to share a post about self worth today, because I feel we all struggle at some point or another with this, and it filters into our lives disguised as other issues. I've heard other people say not-so-nice things about others being "insecure" and "that's why they do this or that". I don't know. I don't think that's very nice or accurate most times, unless we're analyzing someone professionally or know them personally. I think people just struggle with knowing who they are and how much they are loved. People do things because they don't feel they measure up in life, maybe because they don't feel they are worth more. If only all people knew...

My mom and I were talking the other day and she mentioned how she still gets teary-eyed when she thinks about God giving His Son as a sacrifice for our sins. How we can be sinners still, and He would still do that for us, not because we are worthy of it, but because He loved us that much. So, what's our connection?

We don't get to decide if people are worthy or not before we decide we're going to love them. God told us to "love one another" for a reason. He knew we were going to be a judgy bunch! He knew we weren't going to like each other sometimes and maybe he could foresee what we were going to do in this crazy world, and knew it would only get worse. But if we knew how much He loved us, then maybe we would be able to then share that same love with someone else? Yes. That's why you need to know your worth. Because if you walk around feeling like you don't measure up and you're just a big old mess of junky failure, then how are you ever going to love anyone else with the kind of love God asks you to?

I want to love better and I don't always see my own worth, but I'm learning to let go of the things that hold me back and don't allow me to fully walk in the light God set for me. I want you to know that you were made for love and you are worth far more than you can imagine even if your feelings don't line up with that sentence! Even if your circumstances don't match. You are what my kids used to say. "You are a masterpiece made by God. There is no one like you and there will never be another you ever again!"

Be blessed...

Salt Shakers on Broken Hearts

I have written and deleted three posts so far, and have had about three conversations on this topic in the last week. I've seen quotes, read blogs, and heard comments enough to make me realize I need to tackle this topic for me and maybe for you. Maybe you're hurting, maybe you will one day be in these shoes. Maybe you will know me a bit better after you read this post!

Grief is a lot of different things to me, but what it hasn't been is cathartic, at least not yet. The tears are not helpful. Yet. I don't feel healing. Yet. Grief is a slow, agonizing process, particularly when grieving the losses of more than one significant person in my life. Still trying to navigate the loss of my brother and realizing the relationship with my nephews will be limited at best, realizing I will never see or talk to my dad again, and then losing my brother-in-law, who I was just beginning to feel closer to, which is not easy for me. Pulling the rug out from under me doesn't even come close to describing the shock I find myself in some days when I drag myself out of bed still. There are no words to describe the stillness I feel when I think. Really think.

Add to that a mom and a sister who have found themselves widowed just 2 months of each other, and we just kind of cry to each other and have strange conversations about how everything is breaking at once. Cars, furnaces, freezers, etc... just making it screamingly obvious that they are alone. I am alone in a way too, without my dad, and yet it is hard to bring that up when they have lost their precious husbands. Grief can be isolating even among grievers. We share it, but it comes packaged so differently that we feel guilty for our own feelings sometimes.

We try to rely on outsiders, but when it comes to broken hearts, as I tried to explain to my sister today, "some people are salt shakers. And our hearts are open wounds.  But some people are balm to our spirits, and those are the ones we try to hold onto, but they are few and far between. Grief isn't for the weak. Not everyone can take this journey with us."  We don't want to find out if someone is a salt shaker or a balm, so we don't want to rely on anyone anymore. Grief is private that way.  We honestly can't handle any more hurt than we already have. I don't think a lot of people really get that. The ones that do are angels sent from God, I know.

The way I know this is from being hurt by a friend who I thought would understand and be there for me, since this person was there for me through my brother's loss. I should have known better, but I give people way more chances than I should. I hurt myself in believing in people long after I should give up. When I shared a memory of my dad, this person chose not to respond. When I noticed this person didn't bother to even ask how I was doing, I guess for fear that it would incite an unwanted conversation, I should have known not to engage then too. The signs were all there. Salt shaker. Salt shaker. This person is going to hurt you at the hardest time of your life, and you are allowing it to happen. Stop. Stop. But I wanted so much for this person to care as much as they did when I lost my brother because it helped me get through it so much then. Much like I guess a drug would soothe a pain. We rely too much on people and that's why they let us down. The person who once kept me smiling when all I could do was cry is actually one of few people that makes me cry today. Ironic, maybe, but so predictable as I think back now.

I almost wish this person was reading these words, but it wouldn't change anything anyway.  In trying to confront concerns in the past, I became misunderstood. I became seen as someone who was argumentative, who caused "stress" and became an "obligation" to fulfill. How silly for me to have taken those words to my heart. I let that opinion, based on selfishness (looking clearly now), break my already broken heart. I apologized for things I didn't do, in order to repair a friendship that honestly didn't really exist. Because if it did, I wouldn't have been treated that way in the first place. People who claim to know you and care for you just don't pull that kind of switch.

Because someone who truly calls you a friend would never want to hurt you with those kinds of words. And someone who has also lost a parent sure knows how it feels and would feel honored that I shared a memory of my dad, and would have acknowledged that. Someone who valued my friendship would have asked me right away how I was doing and would have signed their own card and made sure it went to my address and not my in-laws. Seems like a silly thing, but when you really care about someone, you make sure you cross t's and dot i's, am I wrong? I was wrong to expect a person who called me a stressor to actually care about what was going on in my life at all. That's what was wrong. Me. Too much hope, expectation. Giving credit where it's not due. I can see where I could stress someone out who doesn't want to be bothered anymore. Once I filled the original void in that person's life, I was really just in the way!

 I'm just being honest, because that's all there is.  Obviously I'm only sharing part of the story, but I share it as an example of my own failings. My failings to overlook the shortcomings of others, to not give grace, to not forgive, and to not be able to ignore the bad behavior of others. At least at this particular period in my life. I don't feel strong enough to do any of that right now. Grief is messy. It has weakened me, and it has made me angry.

And yet I know God will use all of this. Bad emotions, bad circumstances, unreliable people, tears and all, because I'm sure it has something to do with wanting me to grow. I just can't lie and say I have everything figured out and put in a nice neat box because I don't. I'm dealing with a lot of depression, a lot of disappointment, and it would be a whole lot better and easier if some people would just not be jerks, and God would just be an audible voice right now! That's the honest-to-goodness truth. And if grief has done anything for me, it has given me the ability to say exactly what I feel, because what have I got to lose? I've already lost so much, I don't care if I lose more friends if it's over speaking my truth.
My husband calls that feisty. I've always been a firecracker...

Open Your Mind, Insert Compassion

How people choose to hear you or the way they see you has little to do with you. They can only see you from their own level of perception, which is colored by their own experiences, where they are in their lives, or choices they are making now or have made in the past. They can also be colored by so many other facets, such as political standing, religion or lack thereof, family status, upbringing, age, etc...

Sometimes we take the opinions of others too seriously, especially if we are discussing something important to us, and someone takes it out of context, or downplays a feeling we express. Sometimes it is really hard to remember that people don't always understand your point of view because maybe they haven't been in your situation before, and so their opinion may not really be appropriate to share. For example, maybe if you've never had estranged family members, alcoholic family members,  messily divorced family members, or other very difficult and confusing family situations, perhaps you shouldn't judge those harshly who have had all of those situations.  In this case, being a supportive listener with compassion is always the right answer. That's my opinion, based on someone who has experienced those situations from childhood on.

But to the one it hurts, we have to remember that opinions are often thrown out there for a couple of reasons. We either want to be heard, or we want to be right. Maybe we even want to stick up for ourselves. It depends on the situation. I've engaged in some pretty heavy, controversial discussions that actually went nowhere because it became a battle of closed ears and loud opinions. No one wanted to hear reason. They just wanted to be heard and to be right. It became useless, feelings were hurt, and the timing could not have been worse. And at the bottom of it all, what I could hear was the backstory talking. There were reasons why the minds were closed, and so it became time to stop talking and just listen.

Closed minds are rooted in fear. They are often defense mechanisms to protect someone or
something, or to hold on to old thoughts, whether they belong to you or to someone else. Sometimes I am shocked that whole families believe a certain way about a certain thing, because in my family, our minds are all over the place. We all think so differently, but yet we allow each other our differences of opinion. It's very freeing to have your own opinions and not be cemented by someone else's belief patterns. My dad and I had a discussion about politics last November, and while I know where he stood politically, I enjoyed our discussions because he was intelligent and willing to listen to my "purple" point of view. As an Independent, I brought new things to his table. He didn't argue for the right to be right. While I joke about those who thought he was a know it all, I am proud of how smart he was, and I think if someone called me a know it all, I would be okay with that. Besides, it's just an opinion, colored by perception. I certainly don't know it all, but I am a "seeker of knowledge", and I like to trade knowledge with other "seekers". Call me a nerd. I don't care. I love to learn. I get that from my dad.

Closed minds have lots of opinions, and few facts. They make lots of bold statements, but don't back them up! They don't like to listen to other points of view and they don't care how many times you try to explain something, they will never change their minds! This is frustrating. I think this is the most fearful bunch of people I know. An open-minded person may not always agree with you, but will at least listen to you and give you the consideration of meeting your mind in the middle. I think to keep your mind open is to be ready to accept knowledge of a situation or person you may not agree with, but are willing to learn more about and try to gain understanding. And of course it's okay to have your core beliefs that you don't budge on! But don't stand with your arms crossed and be unwilling to talk. Who knows...maybe you can get more flies with honey?? I have my core beliefs too. There are things I may never change my mind on, but I will always be willing to listen to you, because I can learn from you and your story.

While I make it a point not to discuss politics, and I don't consider myself a politically-minded person, I have to say this was the most annoying political season ever. The arguing between friends and families around me was borderline bullying. It wasn't a display of conversation, but a battle of wills and an insult to one another's intelligence. It was all rooted in fear. I observed it on a personal level, watched it on a media-controlled level, and just imagined the level of fear that was going on everywhere else. Is this how we were going to get things solved from now on? There were a lot of opinions, a lot of mud-slinging, a lot of disrespect, so much rudeness, so much fear-mongering. Hey wait, this sounds like a really nasty divorce, and we're the kids in the crossfire. This chaos was just a bunch of hot air and no progress, and while everyone likes to point fingers and place blame, I see blame in everyone who participated in all that chaos. Everyone. That's my opinion, colored by my perception of politics. Feel free to correct me. I'm open. (snicker)

I don't know what the answers are on a governmental level. If I did, I would be some kind of miracle worker. But I know on a personal level, what I can do better is be a better listener, not judge when someone is sharing, but put myself in their shoes. Instead of always reaching for my own perception level, reach for theirs.  I think this is the way to a compassionate way of listening and speaking to people, and we could all use a little  more compassion, couldn't we?

My Peace is Not Free

"If you don't have peace, it isn't because someone took it from you; you gave it away."
                                                        John Maxwell.

I saw that quote, and it came at a good time, as it seems my peace is always just out of reach these days. I catch myself thinking, "the day was going well until this or that happened... or great, now so and so is upset and now I'm upset too..." The truth is, I haven't been losing my peace. I've been giving it away, and I didn't even realize it until that quote punched me in the gut. I've needed a few punches in the gut lately, to bring me to life, and to get me turned back around so my thinking becomes more productive and less destructive. Ever feel that way? Even for a day? Sometimes I call it "stinking thinking", but it can snowball into days, months, and even years of destructive thought patterns that will become a habit that becomes really hard to break.

I fight hard to be a positive thinker, but believe me, some days it is a brutal battle. There are many enemies, some obvious, and some invisible. Until you have suffered the loss of close loved ones, such as a brother and a father, you really won't understand the enemy of grief, and how it creeps into your daily life. Some days you feel better than others, but it is always a struggle to find peace in that reality of no longer having the significant people in your life anymore. There is the enemy of unforgiveness, if you are struggling with poor relationships with friends and family around you. That can also rattle your peace. Again, no one is taking your peace. You are giving it away each day you replay the transgressions and refuse to let it go in your own mind. There is an enemy lurking in this world if you are a believer, and he is dark and wants nothing but failure for you. If you succumb to that belief, you will certainly fail. But if you believe in God's will for you, you are limitless. Your peace will be yours again when you decide to take it back.

I have really been doing a lot of stinking thinking, and I know it's because I'm at a really low point, having lost my dad. He was my rock, and life without him is just not the same. When you've had one of the most important people in your life that you've had for 47 years suddenly taken in an instant, it is deafening, to say the least. It leaves an open wound, and that wound becomes a portal for the salt of others, unfortunately. It leaves vulnerablities that weren't there before, or were hidden very well. Loss takes your peace before you even chose to give it away. Loss is a thief.

But now that I can see the importance of peace within the storm, I can also see the importance of peace within myself. I can't afford to give away my power to people who don't deserve to take it. There simply just isn't enough of me right now to give those important things away to those who don't give back. And so that quote resonated to me, and it came from a young pastor who came and visited with my mom and I after we lost dad. He may have been a fruity-pebble loving, sneaker-wearing, cartoon-watching goofball, but what a passionate young man for Christ he was, and he was the first to make me laugh after the worst day of my life.

 I realized recently that I need to keep people close to me who really are invested in my heart, and allow me to invest in them too. Because what I need right now is reciprocal relationships. That is what brings me peace, and takes the brutal out of my battles. Those are what scare the enemy away, and brings me closer to the One who made me. I have given my peace away to people who don't have my best interest at heart and don't truly care what's going on with my life. But that stops today, and it stops with me. My peace is not for sale and it's certainly not free.

I Forgive You. Boom. Done. Right?

While the topic of forgiveness is on my mind, I've been asking myself who I need to forgive, and the list is as eclectic as the playlist on my phone. There are some people I have to continue to interact with, some I never interact with, some I bump into from time to time, and some I may never see. Isn't that interesting, though? It's not just interesting, it's real.

We may be holding on to grievances with people we've never even met. We may be holding on to offenses from  years ago. We may be holding on to anger that doesn't even belong to us, but belongs to a friend or family member who was wronged or harmed. We may not even realize that we are "waiting" for apologies that are never going to happen, and so we are withholding forgiveness from people who "should know better'.  That is the longest wait of all.
Oh, that is the stinkiest of forgiveness. The one that is based on conditions, and we all know it well, because we've all been there. But real forgiveness takes no prisoners. It releases them, and the one it releases first is you and me.

And once you finally release yourself from unforgiveness, and have reached a resolution in yourself and settled the story, does that mean that you can now have a restored relationship with that person or persons? Sometimes yes, depending on the situation, but there are no guarantees, for sure. When you forgive someone who doesn't want anything to do with you, who is no longer alive, who doesn't think they did anything wrong, or is no longer in your life altogether, maybe it's not possible or desired anyway. Forgiveness is an act and a decision based on your well-being, and your desire for peace. It has little and maybe nothing to do with the other person at all. If it did, we'd be swaying like the grass in the breeze with their every move. Forgiveness keeps us in the driver's seat, and in control of our own story.  It says, "You may have started this pain in me, but I'm not going to keep it going. I'm releasing you from your part in this, and I'm moving on without you in it." That doesn't mean what they did was even sort of okay! I doesn't mean you excuse them, or you trust that person again or you ever look at them the same way again. It just means you no longer let them have any control or power over the condition of your heart, your emotions, or your decisions. They become powerless over you completely. Boom. Done, right? It can be done, yes.

I wish it was simple. I wish people never hurt other people, but we do because we're imperfect humans who make mistakes. I've forgiven and had to be forgiven, and I still make mistakes. What I learned is that it's not enough to just apologize when you've hurt someone. It's not enough to just hear, "I'm sorry", sometimes either. Sometimes it's nice to hear, "Please forgive me." or "I forgive you". It's just that one step further that can make the relationship so much stronger.

I have never felt "life is short" as much as I have these past few years. Life is too short to waste being angry at people, holding grudges, and holding on to useless judgments that probably have no truth or basis anymore. But it is worth taking the time to take care of relationships and know that at the end of the day we did what we could to use the time we have to honor the people we've been given and make amends where it is necessary. Am I doing everything right? No. I still have a lot to learn and a lot to do. I'm a work in progress too. I have shortcomings and people issues, and all sorts of stumbling blocks I put in my own way. It's why I write! It helps me to figure out myself and in doing so, I hope to learn from others, (if they ever start commenting again) and learn from myself. We all have much to share on this topic, as complicated as it can be.

Good Forgiver or Terrible Fool?

Once you've forgiven someone, or think you've forgiven someone, as can sometimes be the case, there is a temptation to "clean the slate". When cleaning the slate, we let the offenses go, but also sometimes forget the habits of the offender, which can put us in a position to get hurt yet again. This is why you'll see those quotes everywhere, "Forgive, but don't be a fool", or "Don't let your forgiveness become foolishness".

There is a connection between forgiving and being foolish, because of a lack of being able to discern someone's character. Maybe we don't want to see it, or maybe we don't want to believe a person would continue to do the same things to hurt us, but more times than not, they do.  Sometimes it's intentional, and sometimes they truly just don't yet understand the extent of their actions, and therefore don't take the steps to correct them.  But what about us?

How do you forgive someone and then continue in his or her life without getting wrapped up in another one of his or her "traps"? My answer has been to place a great amount of distance between me and that person. For every action, there is a consequence, and I feel if you're willing to take a chance at losing a person's trust, then you're willing to take the consequence of also winning some distance with that person. Tough, but honest love.  "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you", kind of love.

A relationship is going to change as a result of broken trust or a negative action. How can it not, if you truly invested in that relationship?  As I try to navigate within a damaged friendship, I try to remember what my mission is, and it keeps me from holding on to my unrealistic expectations and disappointments. As I prayed about this friendship many times, I kept being reminded that sometimes a person is brought into our lives not to help us, but for us to help them. Even though I'm the one that could use a little extra help right now, God wants my focus to be on others. Does this always make sense to me? Not really, but when I think back over the last couple of years and take all of the information in, it begins to show me a bigger picture. One that doesn't always involve me getting what I need, and feeling good all the time.

Sometimes it's in the forgiving of a person that we realize our own blessings. If someone is hurting you that much, are they really that happy? Most times they are not, and instead of reacting to the pain they inflict, sometimes it's best to just stop taking it personally and start praying for them. This person is in my heart and on my mind so much because I am praying for a resolution. Not just for our friendship, but for the person's life and for everyone in that person's life.  And because of that, it takes the focus off of my feelings, and puts it back on the bigger picture. But will I be foolish and trust that person if the same behavior starts up again? No way! Because not only would I be setting myself up for more of the same pain, but I would possibly be getting in the way of something God is trying to do in this person's life.

We need to be good forgivers, but terrible fools. Always praying instead of licking our wounds. Maybe that will be my new chalkboard message this week.

Can You Forgive?

As I think about the way love and expectations go together, I also must think about the way those two concepts figure into the action of forgiveness. I have thought about forgiveness a lot, and have written about it so much, because it truly is an action that takes more than one moment to accomplish. It's often not a one-time deal. Depending on the level of offense, it could take many times to forgive someone of something. As I am a believer of the Bible, I am glad to know that God forgave me one time and let my offenses go. He continues to forgive me and forgets my offenses in an instant. He expects me to forgive others, but knowing my human heart, tells me it may take a few times to get it right, and gives me the help I need to get it done.  It's definitely not easy for me.

Forgiveness requires me to be humble. But sometimes we like being the victim of someone's wrongness, because it gives us a good story to tell. Oh, we don't know that's what we're doing when we're doing it! We don't know we like it when we're telling it! But if we are telling the same stories over and over about the same thing, we have to stop and ask ourselves what we're getting out of telling that story! It's not a good thing to hold a grudge and hold an offense over someone. It keeps us awake at night, replaying their words or actions over and over in our heads. Okay, maybe you ARE the right one, and they ARE the wrong one, but does telling the story change anything? It just paints a picture of a victim and a crime. Forgiving the offense will change the story in our own minds. That's where it needs to change first.

Forgiving allows us to stop being a victim to someone else's crime. It allows us to stop justifying our pain all the time. It allows us to finally come to terms with putting an end to the saga, and moving on without whatever closure you thought you needed. Forgiving is often one-sided. We will have to forgive someone without them knowing, and without an apology we thought we deserved. We will forgive them because carrying around a grudge and defending our need to do so is exhausting! It is keeping us from enjoying life and maintaining healthy relationships with others. We will finally see that when others start to distant themselves from our constant negativity.

In forgiveness, there is freedom. Freedom from needing to be seen, needing to be right. Needing to be validated, exonerated, justified, and sometimes even acknowledged. Holding on to that story of how they hurt you so unfairly will just keep wounding and attacking, and the worst thing is that it leaves no room to see any good that may be there. By good, I mean lessons. Maybe there is something that can be learned here.

Sometimes we can choose to change the outcome of a bad situation by also choosing how we react to it. I can't change my friend and the way this friend is treating me. But the way I have dealt with it is I have chosen to shift my focus. I had an ideal picture of what I wanted this friendship to be based on the past friendship, but now I have to change the picture. I have to let go of that old picture, and let the future picture be whatever it is now, based on the new people in the picture. In other words, we have changed, and this person is not acting the way I expected based on past results. This person has let me down in many ways, because I am comparing the two sides of this person. One who is very caring and giving, and one who is not capable of that right now. Forgiving the latter will help me to remember the former, and give me peace.

Forgiveness is about peace. Sometimes it is harder to forgive than others, and there are a lot of situations in which I think it would be nearly impossible for me to forgive someone. I hope that I would be able to work through it for my own sake, because I do know what it feels like to harbor bad feelings for too long. It tears you up inside to carry all that hurt inside, and it will begin to show up on the outside before too long.

Truly forgiving someone requires you to be honest with yourself. I think I had to understand why it was important for me to carry the bad feelings around and why it was important to justify being angry. I know my own reasons for this, and I think it's a healthy way to learn more about yourself, and helpful in being more understanding in all other relationships. I think forgiveness is a choice, and I also think it's something we need to ask for if we know we have done wrong to someone. It's just as healthy and humbling in a relationship to ask for it as it is to give it.

Be blessed, and make a list of people you need to forgive today.

Banana-Stuffing Mama Bear

I'm pretty sure my blood pressure rose to it's highest point on Tuesday, as I listened to the message on our answering machine.  (Time 3:00, when Serena was still at school): "This is ---- from Dow, calling to let Serena know that our interviewers are finished and will not be coming back. So, we have cancelled your interview for tomorrow, and the position has already been filled. If you have any questions, you can give us a call." Just reliving that makes me boil all over again!

Serena, along with only 2 of her classmates, had applied for a co-op position at Dow, which would have started in August. When the other two had been called for interviews and she hadn't, she was feeling pretty nervous, as she had turned in a pretty impressive resume herself, with no help from anyone.  We told her to just hang in there, that it was nothing "personal", and maybe she would still get a call too. Well, a week later, and lots of prayer later, she got the call too, and we all rejoiced! While of course she understood there was no guarantee of getting the position, she was so happy to have just gotten the opportunity to interview. It was bold enough just to apply, we reminded her. It's great experience for other potential opportunities.

She prepared for the interview, planned for it by finding the place beforehand, making sure not to be scheduled for work that afternoon, taking off school 45 minutes early,and asking me to set aside time to ride with her to give her moral support. Keeping in mind she is seventeen, and this is not a "real-world" situation where it's dog-eat-dog, and a co-op position, we were impressed by her dedication and preparation. We were NOT impressed, however, by the handling of it on Dow's end. I mean, what kind of company treats a high school kid like that? Unfortunately, the one my husband has worked for since 1994. I'm unimpressed by the lack of humanness, one of the qualities they claim to possess. I guess we can only predict how she would have been treated as an employee one day. Sometimes things do happen for a reason. Sometimes it feels like things are never going to work out the way we want them to. Sometimes it feels like we get a whole clump of those "things" all mushed up together. It's hard for me to remain positive sometimes when I see these things happen to my kids, because I know how these "things" go in life. One thing after another. These things require so much strength, so much maturity, and sometimes, just sometimes we want something to go right! And they do...we just forget that when things are going wrong.

So, I threw my fit, there at home, and on my side was the fact that Serena was late getting home that day because she was part of a traveling talent show. I hate injustice, I cannot bear for people to be treated unfairly or like they don't matter, and especially kids who I know really care about something so much. Disappointment is a big deal to a teenager, and it has to be handled with maturity. So I had to say all my bad stuff before she got home. When she walked in, and I dropped the news on her, the look on her face made me want to stick bananas in every tailpipe in the parking lot of anyone responsible for cancelling that interview! If you're a mama, you know. Don't poke the bear. To say she was disappointed was an understatement. She was more hurt than anything, that they wouldn't have considered her at all. The job doesn't even start until August. Why would they ask her for an interview and then cancel the day before? Exactly. She's wiser than them. I agree.

And as I spoke, I tried to impart motherly wisdom and optimism..."God must have something better for you next year... Sometimes we don't know why things happen the way we do until we see the results later".  And then I had to give her the story of how her dad struggled to find his job (ironically at Dow). "Banks wouldn't hire him. He couldn't even get a car dealership to give him a job! He was so frustrated! He kept his job at Sears and won all kinds of service awards. At a company picnic, he met the husband of a co-worker who was impressed with his demeanor and his performance, as detailed by his wife. He said, "hey, would you like to interview for Dow?" And the rest is history..."

 So, I tried to remind her that it doesn't matter who doesn't want us or who treats us like we don't matter. If we just do the best job we can wherever we are, we will be rewarded. I still believe that, although I don't appreciate the way she was treated and when she said, "should I call?"  I did encourage her to call the number and ask lots of questions as to why it was handled that way. I think that's the mature thing to do. And she should probably do that without her banana-stuffing mother bear behind her.....

It's Not That Easy to Just "Let Go"...

"Sometimes people are a lesson, and sometimes they are a blessing." That's a quote I've seen around, and although I'm sure whoever said it had an experience to back it up, I wonder- can a person be both a blessing and a lesson? I guess I'm assuming the lesson is a hard one, and not one that you necessarily wanted to learn. I'm assuming the blessing is a good one too, picturing something pleasant and wonderful.  But sometimes, blessings and lessons don't come exactly as we imagined.

I have a person in my life, or at least was in my life for a time, that I considered a blessing. Everything seemed wonderful and things were pretty as a picture, for lack of a better image. But as time went on, the edges of the picture began to curl. The picture itself began to show wear, and the person in the picture began to fade. What I thought was real was just an image and what I had left in my hand was a piece of empty paper. What I had left in my heart was a very hard lesson.

As I reflect over the past couple of days of my "love" and "expectations" posts, I wonder how this fits in. How do you truly move on when you realize that a person you care about doesn't care about you at a time in your life when you need it most? I think it has happened to many of us. It's a hard lesson, and it's one that has caused us all to question ourselves, and to definitely question that other person or people, in some cases. How do you really make it okay to be okay with not getting the response you expected/needed/wanted? Does it become unhealthy to hold on to hope? Does it mean you don't think enough of yourself? Does it become codependent when you can't let go? I have asked myself these and many other questions when struggling to cut the chains of a person who clearly has already cut mine, or at least I feel they have, based on results. And what do you do if it's a family member or members? It's not that simple to just "move on" and "let go" in some cases.

So what makes us unable to move past a person who we wanted to make amends with, but he or she just doesn't seem to want the same with us? What if that person is a family member and your personalities are just so different that you just can't find a spot to land on together? Sometimes peace is found in just understanding that there are things we can do something about, and there are things we just can't fix on our own. My daughters have been through this, I have been through this, and we will all continue to face these same relationship issues for our whole lives. There is a time to fight for the people in our lives, and there is a time to gracefully let them walk away. I wish I had a clock to show me exactly the timeline of where all of that takes place, because in between is a whole lot of confusion and hurt.

I attempted something in order to bring some peace to myself, and instead it brought another lesson. I was looking for an answer, and I got one, just not the one I was hoping for. But because it was something I had been asking for in prayer, I had to also call it a blessing, because it may have been God's way of answering my questions. I just didn't like the way it was delivered. It was hurtful, like a band-aid being torn off without a warning. I think it was God's way of telling me, "I've shown you this person's colors. Don't repaint them. Don't excuse them. Don't tolerate this.This is not good for you. Please pay attention."

I heard the lesson. I understand. Sometimes we work so hard trying to look for the good in someone because they were once so good, and we hope it's still there somewhere. I hate giving up on people, because I know sometimes life is harder for some,  but I also know it is not healthy to remain in a friendship or any type of relationship with a person who inflicts hurt, whether intentionally or not.
I tried very hard to be a blessing to this person, who now treats me as if I am an acquaintance down the street. The person who once cared about every one of my medical appointments has not even asked the question "how are you", and my father died in January of this year. Even when given a blatant opportunity to ask, instead talked about a recent vacation. And you might want to ask me why it is so difficult of a decision to let this person go. Because I always believe the best of people and it's always so hard to believe the worst. But this time, I have to, because I have to surround myself with people who lift me up and not people who aren't interested in the most significant things in my life. It's called survival. I have to take care of myself this time.

So if you have any reservations about letting someone go, just remember your worth, and remember your focus. It should be on those who truly invest in you. It may be hard to forget the hurt someone has caused, because though we want to forget, a broken toe always commands more attention than a healed one. But we must consider our blessings first. Who is there when you fall? Who shows up for you? Who asks, how are you? Who really loves you?? Those are the people who deserve your time, attention, and focus. And all of the time in the world can't fix the people who don't appreciate you right now. If you're a believer, as I am, let them go, let God fix them, and you go off and be at peace. They may never appreciate you, may never know your worth, and may never return, and we just have to be okay with that. And the reason we can be okay is because we are already getting what we need. God will make sure of it if we only trust Him with that part of our lives.

Real Expectations

When you're caught up in a storm of grief, the clouds actually bring clarity, unlike the usual meaning of the word, "cloud".  Grief "clouds", as they shroud you in their grayness, bring clarity to your feelings, but not so much to what's going on around you. It becomes evident what and who you need around you, and it also becomes evident who and what is available (or not) to help with those needs.
Clarity. Not always something that helps you sleep at night. What helps you sleep at night is knowing that everyone you love also loves you. That everyone you care about also cares about you. But the truth is, if anyone in your life can sleep knowing you are crying yourself to sleep at night because you don't feel loved by them, well, they don't really love you at all. Clarity.

I find this topic interesting, as I research love and relationships, not just romantic relationships, but friendships, family bonds, and any other type of relationship that might ask itself, "is there love here or not?" This is not about stalkers, co-dependents, or angry ex's. This is about genuine relationships based on genuine trust, authentic bonds beginning with true companionship and a melding of souls. So why would you ever have to wonder if that person is there for you or not?

Expectations. The other day I talked about loving someone well. Showing love and sharing it so that it comes truly from your heart and not your brain. If you're doing that well, it is pure and not questioned, right? I still believe that. It's only when love becomes based on what you're going to get back from someone that the motive gets called into question. Do you love the person because of who you are, or do you love them because you're getting something in return? Because once you're no longer getting what you need from that person, your love will become evidently conditional, and gone. The result? Pain.  You will not only cause irreparable harm to another person who genuinely cared for you, but you will hurt yourself, because you have lost your connection to a  person whose honest heart invested in you. This is what happens when you don't love for real.

And what about us? Are we loving people genuinely or are we still waiting in expectation for them to love us the way we need/want them to in return? I can honestly say I have not always mastered the art of loving freely. It was a hangup of mine to want someone to care for me as much as I cared for them. I  would get very invested and subsequently very hurt because I didn't pay enough attention to the fact that maybe the other person wasn't as invested as I wanted them to be in the first place. So I settled for a very imbalanced relationship, ignored the warning signs, and then blamed them when they would eventually disappoint me.  What took me way too long to figure out was that I needed to seek out the people who already had what I needed! They were already deep-thinking individuals. They were already good listeners. They already accepted me and wanted to include me! They were already sensitive and understanding, and had good insight on life. They knew the meaning of give and take and seemed to "get me" in a heartbeat. Once I met my tribe, I knew I no longer needed to "convince" anyone else they needed to "love" me. I could let my expectations go, and with that a lot of people who just weren't meant for me.

But is it that easy? Absolutely not. I still struggle with letting certain people in my life be as they need to be and not as I need them to be. While my needs may require them to be more loving or more sensitive or more talkative or just more present, I have to remind myself that they don't love the way that I do. I have to let my expectations for that person just ride out on the storm clouds, and let that be my clarity.

There is peace to be found in letting people go, though it is one of the hardest things for me. Moving on is like giving up! But it is also wise to know when to hold them and when to fold them, as they say in poker. Well, I'm not a poker player. I do believe that if we are willing to let people be as they are and not who we want them to be, eventually we will have peace in the decisions we all make. Dropping our own expectations and letting people live as they choose and love as they only know how may be the only way we can have a real relationship with them at some point in life. I think that might be the best definition of real love right there.