How people choose to hear you or the way they see you has little to do with you. They can only see you from their own level of perception, which is colored by their own experiences, where they are in their lives, or choices they are making now or have made in the past. They can also be colored by so many other facets, such as political standing, religion or lack thereof, family status, upbringing, age, etc...
Sometimes we take the opinions of others too seriously, especially if we are discussing something important to us, and someone takes it out of context, or downplays a feeling we express. Sometimes it is really hard to remember that people don't always understand your point of view because maybe they haven't been in your situation before, and so their opinion may not really be appropriate to share. For example, maybe if you've never had estranged family members, alcoholic family members, messily divorced family members, or other very difficult and confusing family situations, perhaps you shouldn't judge those harshly who have had all of those situations. In this case, being a supportive listener with compassion is always the right answer. That's my opinion, based on someone who has experienced those situations from childhood on.
But to the one it hurts, we have to remember that opinions are often thrown out there for a couple of reasons. We either want to be heard, or we want to be right. Maybe we even want to stick up for ourselves. It depends on the situation. I've engaged in some pretty heavy, controversial discussions that actually went nowhere because it became a battle of closed ears and loud opinions. No one wanted to hear reason. They just wanted to be heard and to be right. It became useless, feelings were hurt, and the timing could not have been worse. And at the bottom of it all, what I could hear was the backstory talking. There were reasons why the minds were closed, and so it became time to stop talking and just listen.
Closed minds are rooted in fear. They are often defense mechanisms to protect someone or
something, or to hold on to old thoughts, whether they belong to you or to someone else. Sometimes I am shocked that whole families believe a certain way about a certain thing, because in my family, our minds are all over the place. We all think so differently, but yet we allow each other our differences of opinion. It's very freeing to have your own opinions and not be cemented by someone else's belief patterns. My dad and I had a discussion about politics last November, and while I know where he stood politically, I enjoyed our discussions because he was intelligent and willing to listen to my "purple" point of view. As an Independent, I brought new things to his table. He didn't argue for the right to be right. While I joke about those who thought he was a know it all, I am proud of how smart he was, and I think if someone called me a know it all, I would be okay with that. Besides, it's just an opinion, colored by perception. I certainly don't know it all, but I am a "seeker of knowledge", and I like to trade knowledge with other "seekers". Call me a nerd. I don't care. I love to learn. I get that from my dad.
Closed minds have lots of opinions, and few facts. They make lots of bold statements, but don't back them up! They don't like to listen to other points of view and they don't care how many times you try to explain something, they will never change their minds! This is frustrating. I think this is the most fearful bunch of people I know. An open-minded person may not always agree with you, but will at least listen to you and give you the consideration of meeting your mind in the middle. I think to keep your mind open is to be ready to accept knowledge of a situation or person you may not agree with, but are willing to learn more about and try to gain understanding. And of course it's okay to have your core beliefs that you don't budge on! But don't stand with your arms crossed and be unwilling to talk. Who knows...maybe you can get more flies with honey?? I have my core beliefs too. There are things I may never change my mind on, but I will always be willing to listen to you, because I can learn from you and your story.
While I make it a point not to discuss politics, and I don't consider myself a politically-minded person, I have to say this was the most annoying political season ever. The arguing between friends and families around me was borderline bullying. It wasn't a display of conversation, but a battle of wills and an insult to one another's intelligence. It was all rooted in fear. I observed it on a personal level, watched it on a media-controlled level, and just imagined the level of fear that was going on everywhere else. Is this how we were going to get things solved from now on? There were a lot of opinions, a lot of mud-slinging, a lot of disrespect, so much rudeness, so much fear-mongering. Hey wait, this sounds like a really nasty divorce, and we're the kids in the crossfire. This chaos was just a bunch of hot air and no progress, and while everyone likes to point fingers and place blame, I see blame in everyone who participated in all that chaos. Everyone. That's my opinion, colored by my perception of politics. Feel free to correct me. I'm open. (snicker)
I don't know what the answers are on a governmental level. If I did, I would be some kind of miracle worker. But I know on a personal level, what I can do better is be a better listener, not judge when someone is sharing, but put myself in their shoes. Instead of always reaching for my own perception level, reach for theirs. I think this is the way to a compassionate way of listening and speaking to people, and we could all use a little more compassion, couldn't we?
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
My Peace is Not Free
"If you don't have peace, it isn't because someone took it from you; you gave it away."
John Maxwell.
I saw that quote, and it came at a good time, as it seems my peace is always just out of reach these days. I catch myself thinking, "the day was going well until this or that happened... or great, now so and so is upset and now I'm upset too..." The truth is, I haven't been losing my peace. I've been giving it away, and I didn't even realize it until that quote punched me in the gut. I've needed a few punches in the gut lately, to bring me to life, and to get me turned back around so my thinking becomes more productive and less destructive. Ever feel that way? Even for a day? Sometimes I call it "stinking thinking", but it can snowball into days, months, and even years of destructive thought patterns that will become a habit that becomes really hard to break.
I fight hard to be a positive thinker, but believe me, some days it is a brutal battle. There are many enemies, some obvious, and some invisible. Until you have suffered the loss of close loved ones, such as a brother and a father, you really won't understand the enemy of grief, and how it creeps into your daily life. Some days you feel better than others, but it is always a struggle to find peace in that reality of no longer having the significant people in your life anymore. There is the enemy of unforgiveness, if you are struggling with poor relationships with friends and family around you. That can also rattle your peace. Again, no one is taking your peace. You are giving it away each day you replay the transgressions and refuse to let it go in your own mind. There is an enemy lurking in this world if you are a believer, and he is dark and wants nothing but failure for you. If you succumb to that belief, you will certainly fail. But if you believe in God's will for you, you are limitless. Your peace will be yours again when you decide to take it back.
I have really been doing a lot of stinking thinking, and I know it's because I'm at a really low point, having lost my dad. He was my rock, and life without him is just not the same. When you've had one of the most important people in your life that you've had for 47 years suddenly taken in an instant, it is deafening, to say the least. It leaves an open wound, and that wound becomes a portal for the salt of others, unfortunately. It leaves vulnerablities that weren't there before, or were hidden very well. Loss takes your peace before you even chose to give it away. Loss is a thief.
But now that I can see the importance of peace within the storm, I can also see the importance of peace within myself. I can't afford to give away my power to people who don't deserve to take it. There simply just isn't enough of me right now to give those important things away to those who don't give back. And so that quote resonated to me, and it came from a young pastor who came and visited with my mom and I after we lost dad. He may have been a fruity-pebble loving, sneaker-wearing, cartoon-watching goofball, but what a passionate young man for Christ he was, and he was the first to make me laugh after the worst day of my life.
I realized recently that I need to keep people close to me who really are invested in my heart, and allow me to invest in them too. Because what I need right now is reciprocal relationships. That is what brings me peace, and takes the brutal out of my battles. Those are what scare the enemy away, and brings me closer to the One who made me. I have given my peace away to people who don't have my best interest at heart and don't truly care what's going on with my life. But that stops today, and it stops with me. My peace is not for sale and it's certainly not free.
John Maxwell.
I saw that quote, and it came at a good time, as it seems my peace is always just out of reach these days. I catch myself thinking, "the day was going well until this or that happened... or great, now so and so is upset and now I'm upset too..." The truth is, I haven't been losing my peace. I've been giving it away, and I didn't even realize it until that quote punched me in the gut. I've needed a few punches in the gut lately, to bring me to life, and to get me turned back around so my thinking becomes more productive and less destructive. Ever feel that way? Even for a day? Sometimes I call it "stinking thinking", but it can snowball into days, months, and even years of destructive thought patterns that will become a habit that becomes really hard to break.
I fight hard to be a positive thinker, but believe me, some days it is a brutal battle. There are many enemies, some obvious, and some invisible. Until you have suffered the loss of close loved ones, such as a brother and a father, you really won't understand the enemy of grief, and how it creeps into your daily life. Some days you feel better than others, but it is always a struggle to find peace in that reality of no longer having the significant people in your life anymore. There is the enemy of unforgiveness, if you are struggling with poor relationships with friends and family around you. That can also rattle your peace. Again, no one is taking your peace. You are giving it away each day you replay the transgressions and refuse to let it go in your own mind. There is an enemy lurking in this world if you are a believer, and he is dark and wants nothing but failure for you. If you succumb to that belief, you will certainly fail. But if you believe in God's will for you, you are limitless. Your peace will be yours again when you decide to take it back.
I have really been doing a lot of stinking thinking, and I know it's because I'm at a really low point, having lost my dad. He was my rock, and life without him is just not the same. When you've had one of the most important people in your life that you've had for 47 years suddenly taken in an instant, it is deafening, to say the least. It leaves an open wound, and that wound becomes a portal for the salt of others, unfortunately. It leaves vulnerablities that weren't there before, or were hidden very well. Loss takes your peace before you even chose to give it away. Loss is a thief.
But now that I can see the importance of peace within the storm, I can also see the importance of peace within myself. I can't afford to give away my power to people who don't deserve to take it. There simply just isn't enough of me right now to give those important things away to those who don't give back. And so that quote resonated to me, and it came from a young pastor who came and visited with my mom and I after we lost dad. He may have been a fruity-pebble loving, sneaker-wearing, cartoon-watching goofball, but what a passionate young man for Christ he was, and he was the first to make me laugh after the worst day of my life.
I realized recently that I need to keep people close to me who really are invested in my heart, and allow me to invest in them too. Because what I need right now is reciprocal relationships. That is what brings me peace, and takes the brutal out of my battles. Those are what scare the enemy away, and brings me closer to the One who made me. I have given my peace away to people who don't have my best interest at heart and don't truly care what's going on with my life. But that stops today, and it stops with me. My peace is not for sale and it's certainly not free.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
I Forgive You. Boom. Done. Right?
While the topic of forgiveness is on my mind, I've been asking myself who I need to forgive, and the list is as eclectic as the playlist on my phone. There are some people I have to continue to interact with, some I never interact with, some I bump into from time to time, and some I may never see. Isn't that interesting, though? It's not just interesting, it's real.
We may be holding on to grievances with people we've never even met. We may be holding on to offenses from years ago. We may be holding on to anger that doesn't even belong to us, but belongs to a friend or family member who was wronged or harmed. We may not even realize that we are "waiting" for apologies that are never going to happen, and so we are withholding forgiveness from people who "should know better'. That is the longest wait of all.
Oh, that is the stinkiest of forgiveness. The one that is based on conditions, and we all know it well, because we've all been there. But real forgiveness takes no prisoners. It releases them, and the one it releases first is you and me.
And once you finally release yourself from unforgiveness, and have reached a resolution in yourself and settled the story, does that mean that you can now have a restored relationship with that person or persons? Sometimes yes, depending on the situation, but there are no guarantees, for sure. When you forgive someone who doesn't want anything to do with you, who is no longer alive, who doesn't think they did anything wrong, or is no longer in your life altogether, maybe it's not possible or desired anyway. Forgiveness is an act and a decision based on your well-being, and your desire for peace. It has little and maybe nothing to do with the other person at all. If it did, we'd be swaying like the grass in the breeze with their every move. Forgiveness keeps us in the driver's seat, and in control of our own story. It says, "You may have started this pain in me, but I'm not going to keep it going. I'm releasing you from your part in this, and I'm moving on without you in it." That doesn't mean what they did was even sort of okay! I doesn't mean you excuse them, or you trust that person again or you ever look at them the same way again. It just means you no longer let them have any control or power over the condition of your heart, your emotions, or your decisions. They become powerless over you completely. Boom. Done, right? It can be done, yes.
I wish it was simple. I wish people never hurt other people, but we do because we're imperfect humans who make mistakes. I've forgiven and had to be forgiven, and I still make mistakes. What I learned is that it's not enough to just apologize when you've hurt someone. It's not enough to just hear, "I'm sorry", sometimes either. Sometimes it's nice to hear, "Please forgive me." or "I forgive you". It's just that one step further that can make the relationship so much stronger.
I have never felt "life is short" as much as I have these past few years. Life is too short to waste being angry at people, holding grudges, and holding on to useless judgments that probably have no truth or basis anymore. But it is worth taking the time to take care of relationships and know that at the end of the day we did what we could to use the time we have to honor the people we've been given and make amends where it is necessary. Am I doing everything right? No. I still have a lot to learn and a lot to do. I'm a work in progress too. I have shortcomings and people issues, and all sorts of stumbling blocks I put in my own way. It's why I write! It helps me to figure out myself and in doing so, I hope to learn from others, (if they ever start commenting again) and learn from myself. We all have much to share on this topic, as complicated as it can be.
We may be holding on to grievances with people we've never even met. We may be holding on to offenses from years ago. We may be holding on to anger that doesn't even belong to us, but belongs to a friend or family member who was wronged or harmed. We may not even realize that we are "waiting" for apologies that are never going to happen, and so we are withholding forgiveness from people who "should know better'. That is the longest wait of all.
Oh, that is the stinkiest of forgiveness. The one that is based on conditions, and we all know it well, because we've all been there. But real forgiveness takes no prisoners. It releases them, and the one it releases first is you and me.
And once you finally release yourself from unforgiveness, and have reached a resolution in yourself and settled the story, does that mean that you can now have a restored relationship with that person or persons? Sometimes yes, depending on the situation, but there are no guarantees, for sure. When you forgive someone who doesn't want anything to do with you, who is no longer alive, who doesn't think they did anything wrong, or is no longer in your life altogether, maybe it's not possible or desired anyway. Forgiveness is an act and a decision based on your well-being, and your desire for peace. It has little and maybe nothing to do with the other person at all. If it did, we'd be swaying like the grass in the breeze with their every move. Forgiveness keeps us in the driver's seat, and in control of our own story. It says, "You may have started this pain in me, but I'm not going to keep it going. I'm releasing you from your part in this, and I'm moving on without you in it." That doesn't mean what they did was even sort of okay! I doesn't mean you excuse them, or you trust that person again or you ever look at them the same way again. It just means you no longer let them have any control or power over the condition of your heart, your emotions, or your decisions. They become powerless over you completely. Boom. Done, right? It can be done, yes.
I wish it was simple. I wish people never hurt other people, but we do because we're imperfect humans who make mistakes. I've forgiven and had to be forgiven, and I still make mistakes. What I learned is that it's not enough to just apologize when you've hurt someone. It's not enough to just hear, "I'm sorry", sometimes either. Sometimes it's nice to hear, "Please forgive me." or "I forgive you". It's just that one step further that can make the relationship so much stronger.
I have never felt "life is short" as much as I have these past few years. Life is too short to waste being angry at people, holding grudges, and holding on to useless judgments that probably have no truth or basis anymore. But it is worth taking the time to take care of relationships and know that at the end of the day we did what we could to use the time we have to honor the people we've been given and make amends where it is necessary. Am I doing everything right? No. I still have a lot to learn and a lot to do. I'm a work in progress too. I have shortcomings and people issues, and all sorts of stumbling blocks I put in my own way. It's why I write! It helps me to figure out myself and in doing so, I hope to learn from others, (if they ever start commenting again) and learn from myself. We all have much to share on this topic, as complicated as it can be.
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Good Forgiver or Terrible Fool?
Once you've forgiven someone, or think you've forgiven someone, as can sometimes be the case, there is a temptation to "clean the slate". When cleaning the slate, we let the offenses go, but also sometimes forget the habits of the offender, which can put us in a position to get hurt yet again. This is why you'll see those quotes everywhere, "Forgive, but don't be a fool", or "Don't let your forgiveness become foolishness".
There is a connection between forgiving and being foolish, because of a lack of being able to discern someone's character. Maybe we don't want to see it, or maybe we don't want to believe a person would continue to do the same things to hurt us, but more times than not, they do. Sometimes it's intentional, and sometimes they truly just don't yet understand the extent of their actions, and therefore don't take the steps to correct them. But what about us?
How do you forgive someone and then continue in his or her life without getting wrapped up in another one of his or her "traps"? My answer has been to place a great amount of distance between me and that person. For every action, there is a consequence, and I feel if you're willing to take a chance at losing a person's trust, then you're willing to take the consequence of also winning some distance with that person. Tough, but honest love. "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you", kind of love.
A relationship is going to change as a result of broken trust or a negative action. How can it not, if you truly invested in that relationship? As I try to navigate within a damaged friendship, I try to remember what my mission is, and it keeps me from holding on to my unrealistic expectations and disappointments. As I prayed about this friendship many times, I kept being reminded that sometimes a person is brought into our lives not to help us, but for us to help them. Even though I'm the one that could use a little extra help right now, God wants my focus to be on others. Does this always make sense to me? Not really, but when I think back over the last couple of years and take all of the information in, it begins to show me a bigger picture. One that doesn't always involve me getting what I need, and feeling good all the time.
Sometimes it's in the forgiving of a person that we realize our own blessings. If someone is hurting you that much, are they really that happy? Most times they are not, and instead of reacting to the pain they inflict, sometimes it's best to just stop taking it personally and start praying for them. This person is in my heart and on my mind so much because I am praying for a resolution. Not just for our friendship, but for the person's life and for everyone in that person's life. And because of that, it takes the focus off of my feelings, and puts it back on the bigger picture. But will I be foolish and trust that person if the same behavior starts up again? No way! Because not only would I be setting myself up for more of the same pain, but I would possibly be getting in the way of something God is trying to do in this person's life.
We need to be good forgivers, but terrible fools. Always praying instead of licking our wounds. Maybe that will be my new chalkboard message this week.
There is a connection between forgiving and being foolish, because of a lack of being able to discern someone's character. Maybe we don't want to see it, or maybe we don't want to believe a person would continue to do the same things to hurt us, but more times than not, they do. Sometimes it's intentional, and sometimes they truly just don't yet understand the extent of their actions, and therefore don't take the steps to correct them. But what about us?
How do you forgive someone and then continue in his or her life without getting wrapped up in another one of his or her "traps"? My answer has been to place a great amount of distance between me and that person. For every action, there is a consequence, and I feel if you're willing to take a chance at losing a person's trust, then you're willing to take the consequence of also winning some distance with that person. Tough, but honest love. "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you", kind of love.
A relationship is going to change as a result of broken trust or a negative action. How can it not, if you truly invested in that relationship? As I try to navigate within a damaged friendship, I try to remember what my mission is, and it keeps me from holding on to my unrealistic expectations and disappointments. As I prayed about this friendship many times, I kept being reminded that sometimes a person is brought into our lives not to help us, but for us to help them. Even though I'm the one that could use a little extra help right now, God wants my focus to be on others. Does this always make sense to me? Not really, but when I think back over the last couple of years and take all of the information in, it begins to show me a bigger picture. One that doesn't always involve me getting what I need, and feeling good all the time.
Sometimes it's in the forgiving of a person that we realize our own blessings. If someone is hurting you that much, are they really that happy? Most times they are not, and instead of reacting to the pain they inflict, sometimes it's best to just stop taking it personally and start praying for them. This person is in my heart and on my mind so much because I am praying for a resolution. Not just for our friendship, but for the person's life and for everyone in that person's life. And because of that, it takes the focus off of my feelings, and puts it back on the bigger picture. But will I be foolish and trust that person if the same behavior starts up again? No way! Because not only would I be setting myself up for more of the same pain, but I would possibly be getting in the way of something God is trying to do in this person's life.
We need to be good forgivers, but terrible fools. Always praying instead of licking our wounds. Maybe that will be my new chalkboard message this week.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Can You Forgive?
As I think about the way love and expectations go together, I also must think about the way those two concepts figure into the action of forgiveness. I have thought about forgiveness a lot, and have written about it so much, because it truly is an action that takes more than one moment to accomplish. It's often not a one-time deal. Depending on the level of offense, it could take many times to forgive someone of something. As I am a believer of the Bible, I am glad to know that God forgave me one time and let my offenses go. He continues to forgive me and forgets my offenses in an instant. He expects me to forgive others, but knowing my human heart, tells me it may take a few times to get it right, and gives me the help I need to get it done. It's definitely not easy for me.
Forgiveness requires me to be humble. But sometimes we like being the victim of someone's wrongness, because it gives us a good story to tell. Oh, we don't know that's what we're doing when we're doing it! We don't know we like it when we're telling it! But if we are telling the same stories over and over about the same thing, we have to stop and ask ourselves what we're getting out of telling that story! It's not a good thing to hold a grudge and hold an offense over someone. It keeps us awake at night, replaying their words or actions over and over in our heads. Okay, maybe you ARE the right one, and they ARE the wrong one, but does telling the story change anything? It just paints a picture of a victim and a crime. Forgiving the offense will change the story in our own minds. That's where it needs to change first.
Forgiving allows us to stop being a victim to someone else's crime. It allows us to stop justifying our pain all the time. It allows us to finally come to terms with putting an end to the saga, and moving on without whatever closure you thought you needed. Forgiving is often one-sided. We will have to forgive someone without them knowing, and without an apology we thought we deserved. We will forgive them because carrying around a grudge and defending our need to do so is exhausting! It is keeping us from enjoying life and maintaining healthy relationships with others. We will finally see that when others start to distant themselves from our constant negativity.
In forgiveness, there is freedom. Freedom from needing to be seen, needing to be right. Needing to be validated, exonerated, justified, and sometimes even acknowledged. Holding on to that story of how they hurt you so unfairly will just keep wounding and attacking, and the worst thing is that it leaves no room to see any good that may be there. By good, I mean lessons. Maybe there is something that can be learned here.
Sometimes we can choose to change the outcome of a bad situation by also choosing how we react to it. I can't change my friend and the way this friend is treating me. But the way I have dealt with it is I have chosen to shift my focus. I had an ideal picture of what I wanted this friendship to be based on the past friendship, but now I have to change the picture. I have to let go of that old picture, and let the future picture be whatever it is now, based on the new people in the picture. In other words, we have changed, and this person is not acting the way I expected based on past results. This person has let me down in many ways, because I am comparing the two sides of this person. One who is very caring and giving, and one who is not capable of that right now. Forgiving the latter will help me to remember the former, and give me peace.
Forgiveness is about peace. Sometimes it is harder to forgive than others, and there are a lot of situations in which I think it would be nearly impossible for me to forgive someone. I hope that I would be able to work through it for my own sake, because I do know what it feels like to harbor bad feelings for too long. It tears you up inside to carry all that hurt inside, and it will begin to show up on the outside before too long.
Truly forgiving someone requires you to be honest with yourself. I think I had to understand why it was important for me to carry the bad feelings around and why it was important to justify being angry. I know my own reasons for this, and I think it's a healthy way to learn more about yourself, and helpful in being more understanding in all other relationships. I think forgiveness is a choice, and I also think it's something we need to ask for if we know we have done wrong to someone. It's just as healthy and humbling in a relationship to ask for it as it is to give it.
Be blessed, and make a list of people you need to forgive today.
Forgiveness requires me to be humble. But sometimes we like being the victim of someone's wrongness, because it gives us a good story to tell. Oh, we don't know that's what we're doing when we're doing it! We don't know we like it when we're telling it! But if we are telling the same stories over and over about the same thing, we have to stop and ask ourselves what we're getting out of telling that story! It's not a good thing to hold a grudge and hold an offense over someone. It keeps us awake at night, replaying their words or actions over and over in our heads. Okay, maybe you ARE the right one, and they ARE the wrong one, but does telling the story change anything? It just paints a picture of a victim and a crime. Forgiving the offense will change the story in our own minds. That's where it needs to change first.
Forgiving allows us to stop being a victim to someone else's crime. It allows us to stop justifying our pain all the time. It allows us to finally come to terms with putting an end to the saga, and moving on without whatever closure you thought you needed. Forgiving is often one-sided. We will have to forgive someone without them knowing, and without an apology we thought we deserved. We will forgive them because carrying around a grudge and defending our need to do so is exhausting! It is keeping us from enjoying life and maintaining healthy relationships with others. We will finally see that when others start to distant themselves from our constant negativity.
In forgiveness, there is freedom. Freedom from needing to be seen, needing to be right. Needing to be validated, exonerated, justified, and sometimes even acknowledged. Holding on to that story of how they hurt you so unfairly will just keep wounding and attacking, and the worst thing is that it leaves no room to see any good that may be there. By good, I mean lessons. Maybe there is something that can be learned here.
Sometimes we can choose to change the outcome of a bad situation by also choosing how we react to it. I can't change my friend and the way this friend is treating me. But the way I have dealt with it is I have chosen to shift my focus. I had an ideal picture of what I wanted this friendship to be based on the past friendship, but now I have to change the picture. I have to let go of that old picture, and let the future picture be whatever it is now, based on the new people in the picture. In other words, we have changed, and this person is not acting the way I expected based on past results. This person has let me down in many ways, because I am comparing the two sides of this person. One who is very caring and giving, and one who is not capable of that right now. Forgiving the latter will help me to remember the former, and give me peace.
Forgiveness is about peace. Sometimes it is harder to forgive than others, and there are a lot of situations in which I think it would be nearly impossible for me to forgive someone. I hope that I would be able to work through it for my own sake, because I do know what it feels like to harbor bad feelings for too long. It tears you up inside to carry all that hurt inside, and it will begin to show up on the outside before too long.
Truly forgiving someone requires you to be honest with yourself. I think I had to understand why it was important for me to carry the bad feelings around and why it was important to justify being angry. I know my own reasons for this, and I think it's a healthy way to learn more about yourself, and helpful in being more understanding in all other relationships. I think forgiveness is a choice, and I also think it's something we need to ask for if we know we have done wrong to someone. It's just as healthy and humbling in a relationship to ask for it as it is to give it.
Be blessed, and make a list of people you need to forgive today.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Banana-Stuffing Mama Bear
I'm pretty sure my blood pressure rose to it's highest point on Tuesday, as I listened to the message on our answering machine. (Time 3:00, when Serena was still at school): "This is ---- from Dow, calling to let Serena know that our interviewers are finished and will not be coming back. So, we have cancelled your interview for tomorrow, and the position has already been filled. If you have any questions, you can give us a call." Just reliving that makes me boil all over again!
Serena, along with only 2 of her classmates, had applied for a co-op position at Dow, which would have started in August. When the other two had been called for interviews and she hadn't, she was feeling pretty nervous, as she had turned in a pretty impressive resume herself, with no help from anyone. We told her to just hang in there, that it was nothing "personal", and maybe she would still get a call too. Well, a week later, and lots of prayer later, she got the call too, and we all rejoiced! While of course she understood there was no guarantee of getting the position, she was so happy to have just gotten the opportunity to interview. It was bold enough just to apply, we reminded her. It's great experience for other potential opportunities.
She prepared for the interview, planned for it by finding the place beforehand, making sure not to be scheduled for work that afternoon, taking off school 45 minutes early,and asking me to set aside time to ride with her to give her moral support. Keeping in mind she is seventeen, and this is not a "real-world" situation where it's dog-eat-dog, and a co-op position, we were impressed by her dedication and preparation. We were NOT impressed, however, by the handling of it on Dow's end. I mean, what kind of company treats a high school kid like that? Unfortunately, the one my husband has worked for since 1994. I'm unimpressed by the lack of humanness, one of the qualities they claim to possess. I guess we can only predict how she would have been treated as an employee one day. Sometimes things do happen for a reason. Sometimes it feels like things are never going to work out the way we want them to. Sometimes it feels like we get a whole clump of those "things" all mushed up together. It's hard for me to remain positive sometimes when I see these things happen to my kids, because I know how these "things" go in life. One thing after another. These things require so much strength, so much maturity, and sometimes, just sometimes we want something to go right! And they do...we just forget that when things are going wrong.
So, I threw my fit, there at home, and on my side was the fact that Serena was late getting home that day because she was part of a traveling talent show. I hate injustice, I cannot bear for people to be treated unfairly or like they don't matter, and especially kids who I know really care about something so much. Disappointment is a big deal to a teenager, and it has to be handled with maturity. So I had to say all my bad stuff before she got home. When she walked in, and I dropped the news on her, the look on her face made me want to stick bananas in every tailpipe in the parking lot of anyone responsible for cancelling that interview! If you're a mama, you know. Don't poke the bear. To say she was disappointed was an understatement. She was more hurt than anything, that they wouldn't have considered her at all. The job doesn't even start until August. Why would they ask her for an interview and then cancel the day before? Exactly. She's wiser than them. I agree.
And as I spoke, I tried to impart motherly wisdom and optimism..."God must have something better for you next year... Sometimes we don't know why things happen the way we do until we see the results later". And then I had to give her the story of how her dad struggled to find his job (ironically at Dow). "Banks wouldn't hire him. He couldn't even get a car dealership to give him a job! He was so frustrated! He kept his job at Sears and won all kinds of service awards. At a company picnic, he met the husband of a co-worker who was impressed with his demeanor and his performance, as detailed by his wife. He said, "hey, would you like to interview for Dow?" And the rest is history..."
So, I tried to remind her that it doesn't matter who doesn't want us or who treats us like we don't matter. If we just do the best job we can wherever we are, we will be rewarded. I still believe that, although I don't appreciate the way she was treated and when she said, "should I call?" I did encourage her to call the number and ask lots of questions as to why it was handled that way. I think that's the mature thing to do. And she should probably do that without her banana-stuffing mother bear behind her.....
Serena, along with only 2 of her classmates, had applied for a co-op position at Dow, which would have started in August. When the other two had been called for interviews and she hadn't, she was feeling pretty nervous, as she had turned in a pretty impressive resume herself, with no help from anyone. We told her to just hang in there, that it was nothing "personal", and maybe she would still get a call too. Well, a week later, and lots of prayer later, she got the call too, and we all rejoiced! While of course she understood there was no guarantee of getting the position, she was so happy to have just gotten the opportunity to interview. It was bold enough just to apply, we reminded her. It's great experience for other potential opportunities.
She prepared for the interview, planned for it by finding the place beforehand, making sure not to be scheduled for work that afternoon, taking off school 45 minutes early,and asking me to set aside time to ride with her to give her moral support. Keeping in mind she is seventeen, and this is not a "real-world" situation where it's dog-eat-dog, and a co-op position, we were impressed by her dedication and preparation. We were NOT impressed, however, by the handling of it on Dow's end. I mean, what kind of company treats a high school kid like that? Unfortunately, the one my husband has worked for since 1994. I'm unimpressed by the lack of humanness, one of the qualities they claim to possess. I guess we can only predict how she would have been treated as an employee one day. Sometimes things do happen for a reason. Sometimes it feels like things are never going to work out the way we want them to. Sometimes it feels like we get a whole clump of those "things" all mushed up together. It's hard for me to remain positive sometimes when I see these things happen to my kids, because I know how these "things" go in life. One thing after another. These things require so much strength, so much maturity, and sometimes, just sometimes we want something to go right! And they do...we just forget that when things are going wrong.
So, I threw my fit, there at home, and on my side was the fact that Serena was late getting home that day because she was part of a traveling talent show. I hate injustice, I cannot bear for people to be treated unfairly or like they don't matter, and especially kids who I know really care about something so much. Disappointment is a big deal to a teenager, and it has to be handled with maturity. So I had to say all my bad stuff before she got home. When she walked in, and I dropped the news on her, the look on her face made me want to stick bananas in every tailpipe in the parking lot of anyone responsible for cancelling that interview! If you're a mama, you know. Don't poke the bear. To say she was disappointed was an understatement. She was more hurt than anything, that they wouldn't have considered her at all. The job doesn't even start until August. Why would they ask her for an interview and then cancel the day before? Exactly. She's wiser than them. I agree.
And as I spoke, I tried to impart motherly wisdom and optimism..."God must have something better for you next year... Sometimes we don't know why things happen the way we do until we see the results later". And then I had to give her the story of how her dad struggled to find his job (ironically at Dow). "Banks wouldn't hire him. He couldn't even get a car dealership to give him a job! He was so frustrated! He kept his job at Sears and won all kinds of service awards. At a company picnic, he met the husband of a co-worker who was impressed with his demeanor and his performance, as detailed by his wife. He said, "hey, would you like to interview for Dow?" And the rest is history..."
So, I tried to remind her that it doesn't matter who doesn't want us or who treats us like we don't matter. If we just do the best job we can wherever we are, we will be rewarded. I still believe that, although I don't appreciate the way she was treated and when she said, "should I call?" I did encourage her to call the number and ask lots of questions as to why it was handled that way. I think that's the mature thing to do. And she should probably do that without her banana-stuffing mother bear behind her.....
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
It's Not That Easy to Just "Let Go"...
"Sometimes people are a lesson, and sometimes they are a blessing." That's a quote I've seen around, and although I'm sure whoever said it had an experience to back it up, I wonder- can a person be both a blessing and a lesson? I guess I'm assuming the lesson is a hard one, and not one that you necessarily wanted to learn. I'm assuming the blessing is a good one too, picturing something pleasant and wonderful. But sometimes, blessings and lessons don't come exactly as we imagined.
I have a person in my life, or at least was in my life for a time, that I considered a blessing. Everything seemed wonderful and things were pretty as a picture, for lack of a better image. But as time went on, the edges of the picture began to curl. The picture itself began to show wear, and the person in the picture began to fade. What I thought was real was just an image and what I had left in my hand was a piece of empty paper. What I had left in my heart was a very hard lesson.
As I reflect over the past couple of days of my "love" and "expectations" posts, I wonder how this fits in. How do you truly move on when you realize that a person you care about doesn't care about you at a time in your life when you need it most? I think it has happened to many of us. It's a hard lesson, and it's one that has caused us all to question ourselves, and to definitely question that other person or people, in some cases. How do you really make it okay to be okay with not getting the response you expected/needed/wanted? Does it become unhealthy to hold on to hope? Does it mean you don't think enough of yourself? Does it become codependent when you can't let go? I have asked myself these and many other questions when struggling to cut the chains of a person who clearly has already cut mine, or at least I feel they have, based on results. And what do you do if it's a family member or members? It's not that simple to just "move on" and "let go" in some cases.
So what makes us unable to move past a person who we wanted to make amends with, but he or she just doesn't seem to want the same with us? What if that person is a family member and your personalities are just so different that you just can't find a spot to land on together? Sometimes peace is found in just understanding that there are things we can do something about, and there are things we just can't fix on our own. My daughters have been through this, I have been through this, and we will all continue to face these same relationship issues for our whole lives. There is a time to fight for the people in our lives, and there is a time to gracefully let them walk away. I wish I had a clock to show me exactly the timeline of where all of that takes place, because in between is a whole lot of confusion and hurt.
I attempted something in order to bring some peace to myself, and instead it brought another lesson. I was looking for an answer, and I got one, just not the one I was hoping for. But because it was something I had been asking for in prayer, I had to also call it a blessing, because it may have been God's way of answering my questions. I just didn't like the way it was delivered. It was hurtful, like a band-aid being torn off without a warning. I think it was God's way of telling me, "I've shown you this person's colors. Don't repaint them. Don't excuse them. Don't tolerate this.This is not good for you. Please pay attention."
I heard the lesson. I understand. Sometimes we work so hard trying to look for the good in someone because they were once so good, and we hope it's still there somewhere. I hate giving up on people, because I know sometimes life is harder for some, but I also know it is not healthy to remain in a friendship or any type of relationship with a person who inflicts hurt, whether intentionally or not.
I tried very hard to be a blessing to this person, who now treats me as if I am an acquaintance down the street. The person who once cared about every one of my medical appointments has not even asked the question "how are you", and my father died in January of this year. Even when given a blatant opportunity to ask, instead talked about a recent vacation. And you might want to ask me why it is so difficult of a decision to let this person go. Because I always believe the best of people and it's always so hard to believe the worst. But this time, I have to, because I have to surround myself with people who lift me up and not people who aren't interested in the most significant things in my life. It's called survival. I have to take care of myself this time.
So if you have any reservations about letting someone go, just remember your worth, and remember your focus. It should be on those who truly invest in you. It may be hard to forget the hurt someone has caused, because though we want to forget, a broken toe always commands more attention than a healed one. But we must consider our blessings first. Who is there when you fall? Who shows up for you? Who asks, how are you? Who really loves you?? Those are the people who deserve your time, attention, and focus. And all of the time in the world can't fix the people who don't appreciate you right now. If you're a believer, as I am, let them go, let God fix them, and you go off and be at peace. They may never appreciate you, may never know your worth, and may never return, and we just have to be okay with that. And the reason we can be okay is because we are already getting what we need. God will make sure of it if we only trust Him with that part of our lives.
I have a person in my life, or at least was in my life for a time, that I considered a blessing. Everything seemed wonderful and things were pretty as a picture, for lack of a better image. But as time went on, the edges of the picture began to curl. The picture itself began to show wear, and the person in the picture began to fade. What I thought was real was just an image and what I had left in my hand was a piece of empty paper. What I had left in my heart was a very hard lesson.
As I reflect over the past couple of days of my "love" and "expectations" posts, I wonder how this fits in. How do you truly move on when you realize that a person you care about doesn't care about you at a time in your life when you need it most? I think it has happened to many of us. It's a hard lesson, and it's one that has caused us all to question ourselves, and to definitely question that other person or people, in some cases. How do you really make it okay to be okay with not getting the response you expected/needed/wanted? Does it become unhealthy to hold on to hope? Does it mean you don't think enough of yourself? Does it become codependent when you can't let go? I have asked myself these and many other questions when struggling to cut the chains of a person who clearly has already cut mine, or at least I feel they have, based on results. And what do you do if it's a family member or members? It's not that simple to just "move on" and "let go" in some cases.
So what makes us unable to move past a person who we wanted to make amends with, but he or she just doesn't seem to want the same with us? What if that person is a family member and your personalities are just so different that you just can't find a spot to land on together? Sometimes peace is found in just understanding that there are things we can do something about, and there are things we just can't fix on our own. My daughters have been through this, I have been through this, and we will all continue to face these same relationship issues for our whole lives. There is a time to fight for the people in our lives, and there is a time to gracefully let them walk away. I wish I had a clock to show me exactly the timeline of where all of that takes place, because in between is a whole lot of confusion and hurt.
I attempted something in order to bring some peace to myself, and instead it brought another lesson. I was looking for an answer, and I got one, just not the one I was hoping for. But because it was something I had been asking for in prayer, I had to also call it a blessing, because it may have been God's way of answering my questions. I just didn't like the way it was delivered. It was hurtful, like a band-aid being torn off without a warning. I think it was God's way of telling me, "I've shown you this person's colors. Don't repaint them. Don't excuse them. Don't tolerate this.This is not good for you. Please pay attention."
I heard the lesson. I understand. Sometimes we work so hard trying to look for the good in someone because they were once so good, and we hope it's still there somewhere. I hate giving up on people, because I know sometimes life is harder for some, but I also know it is not healthy to remain in a friendship or any type of relationship with a person who inflicts hurt, whether intentionally or not.
I tried very hard to be a blessing to this person, who now treats me as if I am an acquaintance down the street. The person who once cared about every one of my medical appointments has not even asked the question "how are you", and my father died in January of this year. Even when given a blatant opportunity to ask, instead talked about a recent vacation. And you might want to ask me why it is so difficult of a decision to let this person go. Because I always believe the best of people and it's always so hard to believe the worst. But this time, I have to, because I have to surround myself with people who lift me up and not people who aren't interested in the most significant things in my life. It's called survival. I have to take care of myself this time.
So if you have any reservations about letting someone go, just remember your worth, and remember your focus. It should be on those who truly invest in you. It may be hard to forget the hurt someone has caused, because though we want to forget, a broken toe always commands more attention than a healed one. But we must consider our blessings first. Who is there when you fall? Who shows up for you? Who asks, how are you? Who really loves you?? Those are the people who deserve your time, attention, and focus. And all of the time in the world can't fix the people who don't appreciate you right now. If you're a believer, as I am, let them go, let God fix them, and you go off and be at peace. They may never appreciate you, may never know your worth, and may never return, and we just have to be okay with that. And the reason we can be okay is because we are already getting what we need. God will make sure of it if we only trust Him with that part of our lives.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Real Expectations
When you're caught up in a storm of grief, the clouds actually bring clarity, unlike the usual meaning of the word, "cloud". Grief "clouds", as they shroud you in their grayness, bring clarity to your feelings, but not so much to what's going on around you. It becomes evident what and who you need around you, and it also becomes evident who and what is available (or not) to help with those needs.
Clarity. Not always something that helps you sleep at night. What helps you sleep at night is knowing that everyone you love also loves you. That everyone you care about also cares about you. But the truth is, if anyone in your life can sleep knowing you are crying yourself to sleep at night because you don't feel loved by them, well, they don't really love you at all. Clarity.
I find this topic interesting, as I research love and relationships, not just romantic relationships, but friendships, family bonds, and any other type of relationship that might ask itself, "is there love here or not?" This is not about stalkers, co-dependents, or angry ex's. This is about genuine relationships based on genuine trust, authentic bonds beginning with true companionship and a melding of souls. So why would you ever have to wonder if that person is there for you or not?
Expectations. The other day I talked about loving someone well. Showing love and sharing it so that it comes truly from your heart and not your brain. If you're doing that well, it is pure and not questioned, right? I still believe that. It's only when love becomes based on what you're going to get back from someone that the motive gets called into question. Do you love the person because of who you are, or do you love them because you're getting something in return? Because once you're no longer getting what you need from that person, your love will become evidently conditional, and gone. The result? Pain. You will not only cause irreparable harm to another person who genuinely cared for you, but you will hurt yourself, because you have lost your connection to a person whose honest heart invested in you. This is what happens when you don't love for real.
And what about us? Are we loving people genuinely or are we still waiting in expectation for them to love us the way we need/want them to in return? I can honestly say I have not always mastered the art of loving freely. It was a hangup of mine to want someone to care for me as much as I cared for them. I would get very invested and subsequently very hurt because I didn't pay enough attention to the fact that maybe the other person wasn't as invested as I wanted them to be in the first place. So I settled for a very imbalanced relationship, ignored the warning signs, and then blamed them when they would eventually disappoint me. What took me way too long to figure out was that I needed to seek out the people who already had what I needed! They were already deep-thinking individuals. They were already good listeners. They already accepted me and wanted to include me! They were already sensitive and understanding, and had good insight on life. They knew the meaning of give and take and seemed to "get me" in a heartbeat. Once I met my tribe, I knew I no longer needed to "convince" anyone else they needed to "love" me. I could let my expectations go, and with that a lot of people who just weren't meant for me.
But is it that easy? Absolutely not. I still struggle with letting certain people in my life be as they need to be and not as I need them to be. While my needs may require them to be more loving or more sensitive or more talkative or just more present, I have to remind myself that they don't love the way that I do. I have to let my expectations for that person just ride out on the storm clouds, and let that be my clarity.
There is peace to be found in letting people go, though it is one of the hardest things for me. Moving on is like giving up! But it is also wise to know when to hold them and when to fold them, as they say in poker. Well, I'm not a poker player. I do believe that if we are willing to let people be as they are and not who we want them to be, eventually we will have peace in the decisions we all make. Dropping our own expectations and letting people live as they choose and love as they only know how may be the only way we can have a real relationship with them at some point in life. I think that might be the best definition of real love right there.
Clarity. Not always something that helps you sleep at night. What helps you sleep at night is knowing that everyone you love also loves you. That everyone you care about also cares about you. But the truth is, if anyone in your life can sleep knowing you are crying yourself to sleep at night because you don't feel loved by them, well, they don't really love you at all. Clarity.
I find this topic interesting, as I research love and relationships, not just romantic relationships, but friendships, family bonds, and any other type of relationship that might ask itself, "is there love here or not?" This is not about stalkers, co-dependents, or angry ex's. This is about genuine relationships based on genuine trust, authentic bonds beginning with true companionship and a melding of souls. So why would you ever have to wonder if that person is there for you or not?
Expectations. The other day I talked about loving someone well. Showing love and sharing it so that it comes truly from your heart and not your brain. If you're doing that well, it is pure and not questioned, right? I still believe that. It's only when love becomes based on what you're going to get back from someone that the motive gets called into question. Do you love the person because of who you are, or do you love them because you're getting something in return? Because once you're no longer getting what you need from that person, your love will become evidently conditional, and gone. The result? Pain. You will not only cause irreparable harm to another person who genuinely cared for you, but you will hurt yourself, because you have lost your connection to a person whose honest heart invested in you. This is what happens when you don't love for real.
And what about us? Are we loving people genuinely or are we still waiting in expectation for them to love us the way we need/want them to in return? I can honestly say I have not always mastered the art of loving freely. It was a hangup of mine to want someone to care for me as much as I cared for them. I would get very invested and subsequently very hurt because I didn't pay enough attention to the fact that maybe the other person wasn't as invested as I wanted them to be in the first place. So I settled for a very imbalanced relationship, ignored the warning signs, and then blamed them when they would eventually disappoint me. What took me way too long to figure out was that I needed to seek out the people who already had what I needed! They were already deep-thinking individuals. They were already good listeners. They already accepted me and wanted to include me! They were already sensitive and understanding, and had good insight on life. They knew the meaning of give and take and seemed to "get me" in a heartbeat. Once I met my tribe, I knew I no longer needed to "convince" anyone else they needed to "love" me. I could let my expectations go, and with that a lot of people who just weren't meant for me.
But is it that easy? Absolutely not. I still struggle with letting certain people in my life be as they need to be and not as I need them to be. While my needs may require them to be more loving or more sensitive or more talkative or just more present, I have to remind myself that they don't love the way that I do. I have to let my expectations for that person just ride out on the storm clouds, and let that be my clarity.
There is peace to be found in letting people go, though it is one of the hardest things for me. Moving on is like giving up! But it is also wise to know when to hold them and when to fold them, as they say in poker. Well, I'm not a poker player. I do believe that if we are willing to let people be as they are and not who we want them to be, eventually we will have peace in the decisions we all make. Dropping our own expectations and letting people live as they choose and love as they only know how may be the only way we can have a real relationship with them at some point in life. I think that might be the best definition of real love right there.