My Peace is Not Free

"If you don't have peace, it isn't because someone took it from you; you gave it away."
                                                        John Maxwell.

I saw that quote, and it came at a good time, as it seems my peace is always just out of reach these days. I catch myself thinking, "the day was going well until this or that happened... or great, now so and so is upset and now I'm upset too..." The truth is, I haven't been losing my peace. I've been giving it away, and I didn't even realize it until that quote punched me in the gut. I've needed a few punches in the gut lately, to bring me to life, and to get me turned back around so my thinking becomes more productive and less destructive. Ever feel that way? Even for a day? Sometimes I call it "stinking thinking", but it can snowball into days, months, and even years of destructive thought patterns that will become a habit that becomes really hard to break.

I fight hard to be a positive thinker, but believe me, some days it is a brutal battle. There are many enemies, some obvious, and some invisible. Until you have suffered the loss of close loved ones, such as a brother and a father, you really won't understand the enemy of grief, and how it creeps into your daily life. Some days you feel better than others, but it is always a struggle to find peace in that reality of no longer having the significant people in your life anymore. There is the enemy of unforgiveness, if you are struggling with poor relationships with friends and family around you. That can also rattle your peace. Again, no one is taking your peace. You are giving it away each day you replay the transgressions and refuse to let it go in your own mind. There is an enemy lurking in this world if you are a believer, and he is dark and wants nothing but failure for you. If you succumb to that belief, you will certainly fail. But if you believe in God's will for you, you are limitless. Your peace will be yours again when you decide to take it back.

I have really been doing a lot of stinking thinking, and I know it's because I'm at a really low point, having lost my dad. He was my rock, and life without him is just not the same. When you've had one of the most important people in your life that you've had for 47 years suddenly taken in an instant, it is deafening, to say the least. It leaves an open wound, and that wound becomes a portal for the salt of others, unfortunately. It leaves vulnerablities that weren't there before, or were hidden very well. Loss takes your peace before you even chose to give it away. Loss is a thief.

But now that I can see the importance of peace within the storm, I can also see the importance of peace within myself. I can't afford to give away my power to people who don't deserve to take it. There simply just isn't enough of me right now to give those important things away to those who don't give back. And so that quote resonated to me, and it came from a young pastor who came and visited with my mom and I after we lost dad. He may have been a fruity-pebble loving, sneaker-wearing, cartoon-watching goofball, but what a passionate young man for Christ he was, and he was the first to make me laugh after the worst day of my life.

 I realized recently that I need to keep people close to me who really are invested in my heart, and allow me to invest in them too. Because what I need right now is reciprocal relationships. That is what brings me peace, and takes the brutal out of my battles. Those are what scare the enemy away, and brings me closer to the One who made me. I have given my peace away to people who don't have my best interest at heart and don't truly care what's going on with my life. But that stops today, and it stops with me. My peace is not for sale and it's certainly not free.