Heart Follower

I've heard people say that at some time or another in their lives they've given too much to someone, gotten hurt or taken advantage of, and that they'll "never do that again." I'm here to tell you, "yes, you will do that again." And if you don't, you just might be missing out on something great.

I've done that time and time again. It's not that I don't learn from my experiences, or that I don't see it coming. It's not that I'm that naive or short-sighted, or that you are any of those things either. Speaking for myself at least, I am a "heart-thinker". I lead with my heart most times, and I tell my brain to take a back seat. While that may sound ill-advised, I don't regret it at all, even though it has caused me pain and sleepless nights. What it doesn't cause me is regret.  Because at least when leading with the heart, you lead with love, and love takes you where logic cannot possibly go.

Logic tells you with certainty what can and cannot be done, while love tells you anything is possible. While that may sound "head in the clouds", sometimes that's exactly what you need to do to get something you want. Or someone. My passionate and diligent heart is why I can keep going when things aren't going well anywhere in my life. If my brain was in charge, I would be in some type of psychiatric facility. You might be laughing, but it has a grain of truth for me. Looking at my life in a logical way, things don't look that great on paper. Starting with my medical situations (plural), my fears based on the last year's events, being healthy more than 2 days in a row, reaching any kind of goal I set besides finishing household chores, and sometimes just wondering why things are the way they are. The list goes on, and it gets too repetitively stuck in my head sometimes. But what my heart tells me is "Keep going. There is more to this." So I return to my "heart-state", where I can be free to feel kindness, hope, positivity, love, and the strength I need to keep on keeping on.

Vulnerability comes with a big price tag, and it's just one of the many drawbacks of thinking with your blood-pumper rather than your noggin. It forces you to allow others to come fully in with the possibility of destroying what you are giving out. I admit this has happened to me more times than I can count. I fully invest in someone with honest intentions, caring about them, wanting good things for them, and sometimes I find out they are more interested in either what I can give them or how I made them feel, rather than actually caring about me.  And I know this by how easily they can let me go, yet how much it hurts me when they leave. Yeah, that one really stinks, but it is part of caring about people. It's the bad side of using your heart to lead you around. Kind of like using a braille menu at a toxic waste dump. It has its drawbacks. I admit I don't recover as well as I should, but I make no apologies for that. I never apologize for the way I feel or for hurting when something feels real to me. In a world of "fake feelings", and "fake posts", I find it refreshing when someone says, "I'm hurting and I need someone to care." Well, it's rare, isn't it? It shouldn't be. Might be why mental illness and suicide are so frowned upon these days. No one is allowed to feel what they feel without someone judging. Be happy and "get over it" and everyone loves you. Have a rough day or a negative feeling, and everyone leaves you. That's pretty backwards if you ask me. But nobody did. That was free.

I don't regret my feelings or saying what I need to say when I need to say it. I can sleep at night knowing I tell people how I feel about them or how they made me feel. Leading with the heart leaves nothing unsaid. Leading with your brain constantly tells you to suppress your feelings, but your feelings will always be bubbling to the surface! They will keep you up at night, I promise you. It doesn't mean every feeling you have will lead you to what you want, or that it will be returned, or that expressing yourself will always lead to peace. But in the end, I can't have peace if I let my heart down by not listening to the nudges I get inside it.

I know Who leads my heart, and I know who gets in my head, and I choose to follow the One who leads me to choose love even though it often comes with pain. I pray for the ones who are still in my heart but have chosen not to stay in my life. It's funny how that works when you are a heart-driven person. I can't stop caring about them even though they hurt me, and I still leave the door open. That's what it means to love. If my brain was in charge, I would forget their names forever. Choose your heart. It knows better.