This may sound cheesy to you, but I chose a "word" at the beginning of the year that would inspire and help me stay focused on my healing. I don't usually enter into this kind of thinking, because it reminds me of all that "centered" and "mindful" and "find me" type stuff that just does not fit me. I am somewhat impulsive, anxious, silly,and I don't give much thought to finding myself, because honestly I don't know what I'd do with me once I found me. Probably give me a nap. Everyone needs that. With all the ups and downs I experience sometimes on a daily basis, I needed something to keep me focused not on my circumstances, but on the goal. And the goal is to stay hopeful. I don't always feel positive, but I can be hopeful. There is a difference, at least to me.
Anyway, I chose a word, and that word is HOPE. It is a special word to me because it is also my second daughter's middle name. We chose it because we had such a hard time conceiving our first child, and we just relied on hope that it would happen a second time. It did, and so to follow with our first born's middle name of Faith, we chose Hope for our second. Would "Love" have been the middle name of our third child had we had one? Hmmm...interesting choice for a boy, I think! Let's all be glad the world didn't have to find out.
Hope is a word full of possibility. It says, "It can happen". It says, "Hold on a little longer." It says, "The sun will rise again tomorrow." It says, "Even if it's not okay, I'll be okay." It's the word I lean on when I start to feel like I just want to give up. It's how I need to be even when everything is going wrong and it's all looking bleak! I have to say, "...but there's still hope." Because I don't give up that easily! Hence, that little girl with that cool middle name!
But of course, Hope is not just a word. Hope is a gift. It is a promise! One of my favorite verses in the Bible, Jeremiah 29:11 says it best: "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,plans to give you hope and a future." I just love that promise. I just lean into that some days. Those days where I am in pain. Those days where the doctor says, "I've done all I can do." The day my physical therapist said, "I can't fit you in until July!"- after the therapy just started working... the day I found out there is a carcinogen in the natural supplement I'm taking. The one that replaced the terrible medication I was on, and now my symptoms are worse again! Yes, even when things are still going wrong and sometimes you wonder, "can it really get any worse?" Yes, it can and it does!
However, I refuse to give in to how my circumstances appear anymore. It is such a roller coaster to go up and down with the good and the bad and honestly, it is just exhausting, and nothing ever really changes! So why not just stay constant, and let everything else change? That's what I'm trying to do, and that is how hope allows me to think and breathe. Because even after all that has happened, the losses, the illnesses, all that has been taken from me, I still believe that good can and will come. Maybe not from all of this, but in spite of it, and I'm not always looking for the purpose of all of it anymore. Now I'm just searching for the new perspective I can see when I focus on the new sunrise, the new day, and the fact that He has plans for me. Good plans. I have to remind myself that God has no desire to harm me. He wants me to prosper! Yes, even with all of THIS! When I look around and see what He has done with others in worse situations than mine, I see where hope has carried them through, and it will see me through too.
I may have had to give up walking, biking, tennis, and all things cardio, but I've found myself stirring up a little something inside and trying to find ways to get strong and stay active around my limitations. I am a bit of an anxious person, so I could really use a good long walk now and then. This has been a really hard life change for me. I've got major diet limitations too, but I've found ways around that too! I've joined support groups for my illness and I've talked to suicidal women, depressed women, and women who inspire me. I've heard and seen the whole spectrum of what this illness can be, and it is very frightening. This is when the word HOPE has to scream at me and say, HOLD ON to me a little tighter. I get stronger every time I hold on longer. I've become a different person. A stronger person, but gentler in many ways too. But the most important thing I've become is more hopeful.
I should say that this post was going to be about something else entirely. But like my life, my writing is very unpredictable too. I have had a busy week with a very sick teenager, and I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks, so I am exhausted! So tonight, I am HOPING for rest and no pain, and for a productive day tomorrow. See how that works? I don't expect you to be like me, and I don't claim to have this whole life thing figured out. I hope we're all in this together, figuring it all out and helping each other! If you're not feeling hopeful, pray and ask God to help you and take a look at the verse I shared above.
Thursday, May 30, 2019
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
Pink Thinking and Just Be Present
It's not an uncommon or unusual habit or practice to want to immediately cheer up a sad person. If I see someone with a frown,of course I want to make them smile again,and it's not ill-intended to want to do that at all. Think about this from a suffering person's perspective, though. Is that really what you want or need from a person or do you just simply need them to make you feel less alone?
"Pink thinking,"as defined by Kenneth Haugk in the book I'm still talking about, Don't Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart, is "optimism run amok". It "denies the reality of an individual's suffering and glosses over the hurting person's pain. A "pink thinker" often urges others to "think positive",regardless of the situation.
There's nothing wrong with the concept of "think positive" in some situations. But when you tell a hurting person to "think positive", well, you may as well tell them to "get over it" as well. Why? Because the participants in this study said just that. Here are some ways pink thinking can sabotage your efforts to help a hurting person:
"Cheering People Up": People described this as being made to feel that they needed to hurry up, feel something other than what they are feeling, and get over it. They weren't sure the person speaking to them was really interested in the situation at all or just the speed in which they were healing. Others felt it was difficult to be told to look on the bright side, because frankly, some situations don't have one. True encouragement comes from knowing you're not alone in your suffering, and when friends come and sit with you in your suffering, that becomes evidence of care. The Bible is full of suffering individuals, and people don't need to feel that Christians aren't "allowed" to suffer or "shouldn't" suffer. What a burden to place on someone when they are already so burdened. Cheering up also tends to be something that people to do make themselves feel better about the situation, not necessarily the sufferer. The best way to handle a suffering person is to be authentic. Don't try to cheer them up for your sake or theirs. I don't think this means you can't "accidentally" cheer someone up. I mean come on,some people are just so pleasant it just happens. I think it means not to be intentional and fake about this.
"Glossing Over": All suffering people have one thing in common. They need acknowledgment that their pain is real and significant. When someone trivializes it or brushes it off as if it's no big deal, that is pretty insensitive! This kind of goes with the "words that hurt" post from last time, in that people say a lot of hurtful things to "gloss over" a hurtful situation, like "There are people worse off than you", "Same thing happened to me-it wasn't that bad", etc.. I think it's helpful to remember again that we don't get to label other people's pain or situations. it's not our job. Just don't assume anything, that's usually a good path to follow too.
"Denial": The unwillingness to acknowledge and accept the reality that the suffering person is recognizing and sharing. The example in the book tells of a visit with a friend who was dying from cancer. The friend was in hospice care at home. The dying friend looked around and said,"I'm going to miss all of you". One in the group shot back, "We're still hoping for a miracle." How the author described this part was that it took from the one trying to say goodbye and it clearly exposed the discomfort of the one still hopeful, but I'm not sure I agreed with the author on this one. Is that really denial, or is it faith in a miracle? I don't know. I think you can respect a person's wishes while still hopeful in a last minute miracle, but maybe I too, am in denial. Having watched a loved one die of cancer,I never stopped hoping and praying for a last minute save, even while respecting them in their need to say goodbye. That's just me.
"Tough Encouragement": The research done with the participants in the study from this book show that hurting people actually do not appreciate being told they are "strong". Sometimes they need permission to be weak, not forced to be strong. I completely get this! So many people who know what I go through personally with my illness tell me how strong I am. But what makes me feel strong is the person who says, "you know, it's okay to fall apart sometimes. It's okay to feel weak. It's okay to want to give up sometimes. It's okay to not be able to handle everything!" I can tell you that is more encouraging to me than being told "be strong, or "you're strong", or any other "strong" statement that comes my way. People who suffer just need to know it's okay to not be strong all the time, and it's okay to feel scared, because scared is something that says it's okay to require the help of others, not "strong". But I also understand why people say it, why I've said it, and why it doesn't seem like such a bad thing to say. I think it's good to admire another person's strength and tell them so. Just let them know it's okay to not have to be strong all the time too, I suppose.
"Unbridled Celebrating": Romans 12:15 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice;mourn with those who mourn." A suffering person may initiate a celebration after a small victory, which to them could be smiling, going back to church, going for a walk alone, making it to a store alone,etc.. But celebrations pushed on them feel very hollow, because they are often in the depths of despair. I remember my mom asking me "how can you decorate a Christmas tree when Jeffy's gone?" Because my mom had lost her son. Her precious son, and she was in the depths of despair at Christmas time. I had my kids and my husband to distract me and keep me from falling apart. But a mother losing a child is a suffering I know nothing about. I could only imagine why putting up a Christmas tree wouldn't matter to her at that point. She didn't feel like celebrating anything for a really long time and we understood.
I think it's important to mention again, that these topics were based on participant responses and personal experiences by the author and friends. As with any person, every suffering or grief experience is unique. I think this book is a great tool for a guideline,and a way to bring awareness to a topic no one talks about in the grocery store line or really anywhere. I don't think compassion is natural for everyone and I think more people(myself included!) put their feet in their mouths and don't even know it! It's a great little book that just instructs people to let suffering people "be", but don't let them "be alone". As a friend mentioned to me recently, she was left to grieve a loved one alone. No one should ever feel alone when someone they love leaves this earth. I felt like that when my brother died too.
People grow best when cared for and nurtured,and it's how we heal best too. If we say hurting people hurt people, then can we also say a healed person helps heal another? I think that's what we should shoot for. I'm not the expert, as I always say, and I don't profess to be wise in my own eyes. But I do know what God wants us to do. Love one another. Take care of others. And as my friend said, be present when people need us. Just be present.
"Pink thinking,"as defined by Kenneth Haugk in the book I'm still talking about, Don't Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart, is "optimism run amok". It "denies the reality of an individual's suffering and glosses over the hurting person's pain. A "pink thinker" often urges others to "think positive",regardless of the situation.
There's nothing wrong with the concept of "think positive" in some situations. But when you tell a hurting person to "think positive", well, you may as well tell them to "get over it" as well. Why? Because the participants in this study said just that. Here are some ways pink thinking can sabotage your efforts to help a hurting person:
"Cheering People Up": People described this as being made to feel that they needed to hurry up, feel something other than what they are feeling, and get over it. They weren't sure the person speaking to them was really interested in the situation at all or just the speed in which they were healing. Others felt it was difficult to be told to look on the bright side, because frankly, some situations don't have one. True encouragement comes from knowing you're not alone in your suffering, and when friends come and sit with you in your suffering, that becomes evidence of care. The Bible is full of suffering individuals, and people don't need to feel that Christians aren't "allowed" to suffer or "shouldn't" suffer. What a burden to place on someone when they are already so burdened. Cheering up also tends to be something that people to do make themselves feel better about the situation, not necessarily the sufferer. The best way to handle a suffering person is to be authentic. Don't try to cheer them up for your sake or theirs. I don't think this means you can't "accidentally" cheer someone up. I mean come on,some people are just so pleasant it just happens. I think it means not to be intentional and fake about this.
"Glossing Over": All suffering people have one thing in common. They need acknowledgment that their pain is real and significant. When someone trivializes it or brushes it off as if it's no big deal, that is pretty insensitive! This kind of goes with the "words that hurt" post from last time, in that people say a lot of hurtful things to "gloss over" a hurtful situation, like "There are people worse off than you", "Same thing happened to me-it wasn't that bad", etc.. I think it's helpful to remember again that we don't get to label other people's pain or situations. it's not our job. Just don't assume anything, that's usually a good path to follow too.
"Denial": The unwillingness to acknowledge and accept the reality that the suffering person is recognizing and sharing. The example in the book tells of a visit with a friend who was dying from cancer. The friend was in hospice care at home. The dying friend looked around and said,"I'm going to miss all of you". One in the group shot back, "We're still hoping for a miracle." How the author described this part was that it took from the one trying to say goodbye and it clearly exposed the discomfort of the one still hopeful, but I'm not sure I agreed with the author on this one. Is that really denial, or is it faith in a miracle? I don't know. I think you can respect a person's wishes while still hopeful in a last minute miracle, but maybe I too, am in denial. Having watched a loved one die of cancer,I never stopped hoping and praying for a last minute save, even while respecting them in their need to say goodbye. That's just me.
"Tough Encouragement": The research done with the participants in the study from this book show that hurting people actually do not appreciate being told they are "strong". Sometimes they need permission to be weak, not forced to be strong. I completely get this! So many people who know what I go through personally with my illness tell me how strong I am. But what makes me feel strong is the person who says, "you know, it's okay to fall apart sometimes. It's okay to feel weak. It's okay to want to give up sometimes. It's okay to not be able to handle everything!" I can tell you that is more encouraging to me than being told "be strong, or "you're strong", or any other "strong" statement that comes my way. People who suffer just need to know it's okay to not be strong all the time, and it's okay to feel scared, because scared is something that says it's okay to require the help of others, not "strong". But I also understand why people say it, why I've said it, and why it doesn't seem like such a bad thing to say. I think it's good to admire another person's strength and tell them so. Just let them know it's okay to not have to be strong all the time too, I suppose.
"Unbridled Celebrating": Romans 12:15 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice;mourn with those who mourn." A suffering person may initiate a celebration after a small victory, which to them could be smiling, going back to church, going for a walk alone, making it to a store alone,etc.. But celebrations pushed on them feel very hollow, because they are often in the depths of despair. I remember my mom asking me "how can you decorate a Christmas tree when Jeffy's gone?" Because my mom had lost her son. Her precious son, and she was in the depths of despair at Christmas time. I had my kids and my husband to distract me and keep me from falling apart. But a mother losing a child is a suffering I know nothing about. I could only imagine why putting up a Christmas tree wouldn't matter to her at that point. She didn't feel like celebrating anything for a really long time and we understood.
I think it's important to mention again, that these topics were based on participant responses and personal experiences by the author and friends. As with any person, every suffering or grief experience is unique. I think this book is a great tool for a guideline,and a way to bring awareness to a topic no one talks about in the grocery store line or really anywhere. I don't think compassion is natural for everyone and I think more people(myself included!) put their feet in their mouths and don't even know it! It's a great little book that just instructs people to let suffering people "be", but don't let them "be alone". As a friend mentioned to me recently, she was left to grieve a loved one alone. No one should ever feel alone when someone they love leaves this earth. I felt like that when my brother died too.
People grow best when cared for and nurtured,and it's how we heal best too. If we say hurting people hurt people, then can we also say a healed person helps heal another? I think that's what we should shoot for. I'm not the expert, as I always say, and I don't profess to be wise in my own eyes. But I do know what God wants us to do. Love one another. Take care of others. And as my friend said, be present when people need us. Just be present.
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
Words That Hurt, Not Heal
I dreaded this chapter,because I knew I'd find out some of the mistakes I've made or am currently making, not just the wrong things I've had said to me or heard other people say. Yikes! Of course, no one is perfect and most people mean well,but we all want to know better so we can do better next time. Right? I sure hope so.
Maybe no one has corrected us yet,but a good indicator of a misspoken phrase is a return of silence, if you're lucky. A good communicator might blast you, therefore setting you straight, and also teaching you something maybe you didn't know about that particular person or situation. Either way, lesson learned. I know what you may be thinking. What about grace?? Well, that comes later. Pain just has to make its way through first before grace makes its worthy appearance.
This chapter outlines what the author thinks are seven major statements to avoid speaking to a hurting person at all costs. At all costs. Wow. These statements were all based on a research study with participants who had experienced suffering of some kind. As I'm reading through them, I'm thinking to myself, I'm sure I've said this or at least thought this... I hope I didn't say this. Well, I'm quite sure I have said and done at least some of them. I'm also pretty sure some of them have been said to me as well.
* "I Know How You Feel"... Nope. Actually you don't. No one does. Everyone is entitled to feel their own personal feelings about whatever they are going through at that time, whether you've done it a million times or not. And when you claim to know how they feel, it not only adds your pain to theirs, but it takes the focus off the pain they are feeling and puts it on you. If the time is appropriate, you know the person well and the conversation is leading in a way that sharing becomes okay, it is then okay to say it like this, "I've been in a SIMILAR situation, and I remember at that time feeling___________." Then read the cues. Know when it's ok to keep talking and know when to be quiet and let them share.
*It's for the best, "He's at peace now, "well, you know she's in a better place", "It's good she's not suffering anymore", "she's with Jesus now", "He's better off", "It's a blessing". Soooo, what could possibly be wrong with all of those? If you're a Christian, you know all of those are probably true. It's easy to think these things from an onlooker's point of view, but it may not be the caregiver's point of view just yet. Think about someone who has just lost a child. A spouse. Gotten a really grim diagnosis. You have to be careful making a statement that the caregiver or loved one may not have arrived at just yet. Don't make the decision about a loved one's death until the loved one has decided how they feel about it. I would also like to add that unless you have lost a loved one such as the one you are speaking into, you may just want to tread very carefully. Until you've gone through it, you haven't felt it at all. Just be sensitive to what the other person may be feeling or going through. It's up to them how they decide to process it, not us.
* "Keep a Stiff Upper Lip" or "Be Strong"...ugh. An example in the book tells of a man whose wife was dying, and he was told, "I have a friend who is in situation similar to yours, and he is at peace with that situation." Here's the message within the message: "Why can't you respond to your situation the way my friend responds to his situation?" He may as well have said, "You're handling your suffering all wrong. Let me tell you how to do it" or "You are weak". So many people are "experts" on grief! Get over it, move on, why are you this way or that way, but I can tell you from observance that they are NOT the ones actually helping. They are the ones contributing to pain. Do you know what heals people? Allowing them space and saying, "I don't know how much time this will take for you. All I know is I will be here for you for whatever you need to do to heal." Such healing words. Balm to a hurting soul. Again, be careful telling people what they "should do" if you in fact have not walked that path just yet, and even if you have, what worked for you might not work for them. Pain wears differently on everyone. Healing takes a different amount of time and technique for everyone. Respect that.
*"At Least"... Well, at least you had xx amount of time with your loved one. I only had xx with mine. Could you minimize a person's pain any less? So you're saying a person's pain is not as bad as it could be, because...why?? If the hurting person says "at least I had xx years with that person..." Then by all means, acknowledge that. But don't be the dinglefritz trying to prove somehow that their pain should be less because someone else suffered more. Like the book says, it's ok to think it. It's not ok to say it. Yes, some situations are such that "at least they got 20 years with their child, or 45 years of marriage, etc...", but remember YOU are the onlooker, not the sufferer. Very different perspective.There is no comparison of grief just like there should be no comparison of joy. It's not a competition about whose heart is more broken. Yet, sometimes I wonder. I suffer with a chronic illness that has completely changed my life. All my activities are affected, my family is affected, my diet,my future,every aspect of my life, and yet people feel the need to tell me an "at least" statement. Why? Well, at least I'm not dying. Again, that may be true and wonderful, but let me say it. Don't diminish the trial I am going through. "Just because" I don't have it worse than I do does not negate the pain and trials I am currently facing. Just like taking chicken soup to a friend with a cold, be as kind as you can be to anyone in pain and fight your temptation to tell them how much worse it could be for them. That isn't helpful or kind.
*"You Should/Shouldn't"...This is so good. You know what? You may be right telling your ,grieving/newly divorced/chronically ill friend that they ought to spend more time doing this or that...they ought to this or that...BUT here's what happens when you "should or shouldn't" someone even when you're right or well-intended. It shuts them down and good. They stop communicating. They withdraw and retreat after constantly being told what they should be doing instead of being supported for what they are trying to do. Why do we always think we know what's best for someone else when we're not even really listening to what they need? Let's get better with this. If someone seems like they are struggling more than what seems healthy to you, get closer to the situation and find out how you can help. Don't add to the hurt by criticizing the slow progress they are actually making. Don't be afraid to get in someone's face and say, "Hey, you haven't left the house in awhile. I'm worried about you. How can I help? Let's have a real conversation. I'm all ears. I'm here as long as you need to talk." But people are afraid of real conversations it seems. It's that whole "I've got to judge this first..." I need to "fix" someone! Wait. Yeah. That's not going to help. You're worried about enabling them? Don't worry, none of us is Dr. Phil. Pray for them! I feel very isolated with my illness at times, and the best thing a friend has done for me is simply ask me what my food restrictions were and more details of my condition because she was interested. That sure beats being left out of activities! And contrary to popular belief, "getting out more" does not cure depression! (winky face) Kindness is amazing medicine to anyone's hurting soul. Pure love and kindness.
The last two are Christian platitudes that are commonly spoken and sometimes debated.
* "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle"...Ok. First of all, contrary to some popular belief, this is NOT Scripture. It gets confused with 1Corinthians 10:13, which is about God giving us a way out of temptation, not at all about bearing up under pain and suffering. It does not say that God gives us pain and suffering, so why add to the burden of a suffering person by saying someone is in good hands because God is the one causing the suffering? 88% of people researched reacted negatively when presented this statement. Um, yeah. I react negatively to it as well! I personally dislike this statement, quote, and do not use it anywhere! Moving on...
* "It's God's Will...Before I get into this, I will say that 93% of people researched about the use of this statement, reacted strongly and negatively. While God's will is a mystery, some people think they actually know! And here's the biggest point. Whoever is saying this is not usually the one going through the painful situation. You might think you know God's perspective on the situation, but none of us can know! People don't need platitudes or even Scripture when they're standing on a ledge. They need a hand. Why do some people say this? Again, some people need to come up with a reason for everything so they can somehow get people to stop hurting or to somehow understand a situation. We don't know God's plan or purpose for what happens. We just know it's up to us to help that person. And that just takes our presence and our love. Not our platitudes. If they begin to use their situation for God's purpose and glory, then we all get to see the power of God. No words need to be spoken. Just an "I'm so sorry you're going through this" is pretty effective. Don't try to figure out what God is trying to do.
So, how did you do? Did you find yourself in any of these statements? I know I did! With the amount of hurting and suffering people in this world, I know it's an area we all could use some improvement. Let's take better care of each other. I have a lot of fear where loss is concerned. Most people don't know this about me, but funerals cause me quite a bit of anxiety! I know people don't "like" funerals, but I really dread them and can get quite worked up over them. The whole walking in to a room where someone is ill or a room full of mourners just sets my heart racing. One reason I have learned is that I really don't think I can offer anything to the situation. I have heard myself say, "well, there are a lot more important people to them than me. They don't need me there." It could be a fear of their sadness or a fear that I may make things worse with my own inadequacies. Add to that an unhealthy habit of emotion-stuffing! There is no amount of loss that has gotten me "over'' this, and maybe I never will overcome it. Will I ever be "comfortable" seeing people sad, saying goodbye to someone I love? Finding out someone I love has passsed? No. Every fiber in me will always try to run. That's just how my spirit is wired. But my spirit also wants to love and comfort, and that's why I'm here, trying to learn with you....
Next post: Pink Thinking: Getting over our own discomfort
Monday, May 6, 2019
Do You Validate?
I remember receiving a message from someone shortly after I lost my brother, and I was still in shock and despair, and I said something back like, "How could God do this??" My brother was a 50 year old father of 2 sons, 11 and 18, and died suddenly in the presence of his oldest son. Yes, I was hurting and I was angry too. That person sort of reprimanded me for my response, and I remember feeling something bad because of her correction, though I can't put my finger on what that feeling was at the time. Thankfully, I have forgotten who that person was as well. God protected me from that person, and from what I feel now was probably shame. God was okay with what I was feeling at that time. I've learned a lot since then. God can handle it all. People? Not so much.
In Chapter 6 of Don't Sing Songs to A Heavy Heart, "Cry, Feel Awful" gives the best advice to how to respond to a hurting person so that you can validate the feelings they are having. I talk a lot about grief, but the same advice applies to any kind of pain a person is facing. Whether it is a chronic illness, a terminal illness, a loss of a limb or other major life-changing health change to you or someone close to you, validating pain is crucial to helping a hurting person. It says to them that you are sharing the hurt, you believe them, and you empower them to make the decisions they need to make. Most importantly you help them to not feel alone.
I have a wonderful friend who has been by my side through everything I've gone through. In fact, I have more than one, but this one prays for me and checks on me frequently. She understood my need to question God when everything seemed to be falling apart at once! And why would anyone be surprised by this? Just a look at the Psalms should remind us that its been done time and time again by those desperate to understand God's ways,not to give up on Him. (Psalm 22) A Pastor explains it here: "Strongly questioning God isn't evidence of a lack of faith or even of the lack of a relationship with God. Rather, those who question God, especially those who question Him strongly, are by this very act showing that they trust God deeply enough to risk questioning him."
Another part of this chapter jumped out at me: "The foundation of that kind of relationship is love. People don't rail at or question someone they don't care about. If someone is striking out at God, get out of the way and let the person have his or her say. Better yet, don't get out of the way. Walk with the person."
My friend did just that. She got sad with me, angry with me. Questioned with me. Told me to write letters and burn them. Go yell in the woods. Shake my fist! Cry! Do what I needed to do. And what she did not do is judge me or leave me alone. She let me feel whatever I needed to feel in order to heal. And that's what a friend does when they care about your heart and your healing. It's not about their timeline. It's not about them getting to decide if you should still be feeling a certain way after a certain amount of time. It's not about them talking about you behind your back about how you're "dealing with everything". It's about them getting into the trenches with you and fighting the battle. I can tell you the trenches are small for a reason.
If you really love someone, you shouldn't want them to hurt. That seems pretty simple to me. Yet, the most hurtful things are said after someone dies sometimes, and it adds to the grieving process. And I say "process" lightly, because it is an "all over the place" kind of mess at times. Especially when dealing with the grief of others and your own at the same time. That's for another time. I heard someone use the word "compounded grief", and that made perfect sense to me. This book addressed it in a slightly different way, but kind of the same concept. This can also apply to grief due to death or loss of lifestyle or terminal diagnosis, I would think. One thing that I hear (and it bugs me) is "wow, so and so is handling it so well..." I guess the point is....what now? So you're saying, I should handle it better? Before I go off topic about comparing grief and pain, I will stick to the list I found in this book about why some people have a harder time handling a crisis or a painful event.
"- whatever the pain or suffering is-will be influenced not only by how a person's life history shapes his or her perception of the pain, but also by the severity of the events leading to the suffering. Research respondents reported that the level of difficulty in handling a crisis or painful event increases if it:"
*is life-shortening
*is of longer duration or permanent
*leads to no recovery or partial recovery
*involves great pain, physical or other
*produces multiple crises simultaneously
*requires significant lifestyle changes
*comes as a complete shock
I think a few could be added here as well....
*family conflicts
*regrets
*multiple family illnesses at the same time
*lack of support due to multiple family illness
So it would make sense then, that each person suffering is hurting in a way that is unique to them. Each factor that is added to that event only adds more suffering and more time to their healing. Adding to that could be a lack of resources-lack of family and friends for support, lack of pastoral support,financial issues, etc... But people don't tend to try to understand all of that. They just look at the person and say, "why aren't they "over" it yet ?? Or, "It could be worse!" (my personal favorite) Just an added note about that little gem. Yes, it can always be worse, but it can always be better too. And if it can be worse, please let me be the one to point it out, not you. Negating and downplaying a person's pain does not make it go away. Comparing pain with others does not stop it from hurting the person in pain. All of those things are dismissive. This book will cover that point over and over again. Our job is to listen and care, giving understanding without needing to know all the reasons why the person hurts the way they do. Most of the time, it's not our business to know anyway.
This friend I speak of was a godsend to me. Because of her, I don't go through anything alone. She may not always understand or have an answer, but I can count on her to say, "I'm praying for you." She gets it. She knows I just need someone to care. That's pretty simple stuff. It doesn't need to be complicated. She doesn't need to fix me or any of my broken parts, and she certainly doesn't blame me for my messy thoughts! And she can count on me for the very same.
Next post: Words that Hurt, Not Heal....
In Chapter 6 of Don't Sing Songs to A Heavy Heart, "Cry, Feel Awful" gives the best advice to how to respond to a hurting person so that you can validate the feelings they are having. I talk a lot about grief, but the same advice applies to any kind of pain a person is facing. Whether it is a chronic illness, a terminal illness, a loss of a limb or other major life-changing health change to you or someone close to you, validating pain is crucial to helping a hurting person. It says to them that you are sharing the hurt, you believe them, and you empower them to make the decisions they need to make. Most importantly you help them to not feel alone.
I have a wonderful friend who has been by my side through everything I've gone through. In fact, I have more than one, but this one prays for me and checks on me frequently. She understood my need to question God when everything seemed to be falling apart at once! And why would anyone be surprised by this? Just a look at the Psalms should remind us that its been done time and time again by those desperate to understand God's ways,not to give up on Him. (Psalm 22) A Pastor explains it here: "Strongly questioning God isn't evidence of a lack of faith or even of the lack of a relationship with God. Rather, those who question God, especially those who question Him strongly, are by this very act showing that they trust God deeply enough to risk questioning him."
Another part of this chapter jumped out at me: "The foundation of that kind of relationship is love. People don't rail at or question someone they don't care about. If someone is striking out at God, get out of the way and let the person have his or her say. Better yet, don't get out of the way. Walk with the person."
My friend did just that. She got sad with me, angry with me. Questioned with me. Told me to write letters and burn them. Go yell in the woods. Shake my fist! Cry! Do what I needed to do. And what she did not do is judge me or leave me alone. She let me feel whatever I needed to feel in order to heal. And that's what a friend does when they care about your heart and your healing. It's not about their timeline. It's not about them getting to decide if you should still be feeling a certain way after a certain amount of time. It's not about them talking about you behind your back about how you're "dealing with everything". It's about them getting into the trenches with you and fighting the battle. I can tell you the trenches are small for a reason.
If you really love someone, you shouldn't want them to hurt. That seems pretty simple to me. Yet, the most hurtful things are said after someone dies sometimes, and it adds to the grieving process. And I say "process" lightly, because it is an "all over the place" kind of mess at times. Especially when dealing with the grief of others and your own at the same time. That's for another time. I heard someone use the word "compounded grief", and that made perfect sense to me. This book addressed it in a slightly different way, but kind of the same concept. This can also apply to grief due to death or loss of lifestyle or terminal diagnosis, I would think. One thing that I hear (and it bugs me) is "wow, so and so is handling it so well..." I guess the point is....what now? So you're saying, I should handle it better? Before I go off topic about comparing grief and pain, I will stick to the list I found in this book about why some people have a harder time handling a crisis or a painful event.
"- whatever the pain or suffering is-will be influenced not only by how a person's life history shapes his or her perception of the pain, but also by the severity of the events leading to the suffering. Research respondents reported that the level of difficulty in handling a crisis or painful event increases if it:"
*is life-shortening
*is of longer duration or permanent
*leads to no recovery or partial recovery
*involves great pain, physical or other
*produces multiple crises simultaneously
*requires significant lifestyle changes
*comes as a complete shock
I think a few could be added here as well....
*family conflicts
*regrets
*multiple family illnesses at the same time
*lack of support due to multiple family illness
So it would make sense then, that each person suffering is hurting in a way that is unique to them. Each factor that is added to that event only adds more suffering and more time to their healing. Adding to that could be a lack of resources-lack of family and friends for support, lack of pastoral support,financial issues, etc... But people don't tend to try to understand all of that. They just look at the person and say, "why aren't they "over" it yet ?? Or, "It could be worse!" (my personal favorite) Just an added note about that little gem. Yes, it can always be worse, but it can always be better too. And if it can be worse, please let me be the one to point it out, not you. Negating and downplaying a person's pain does not make it go away. Comparing pain with others does not stop it from hurting the person in pain. All of those things are dismissive. This book will cover that point over and over again. Our job is to listen and care, giving understanding without needing to know all the reasons why the person hurts the way they do. Most of the time, it's not our business to know anyway.
This friend I speak of was a godsend to me. Because of her, I don't go through anything alone. She may not always understand or have an answer, but I can count on her to say, "I'm praying for you." She gets it. She knows I just need someone to care. That's pretty simple stuff. It doesn't need to be complicated. She doesn't need to fix me or any of my broken parts, and she certainly doesn't blame me for my messy thoughts! And she can count on me for the very same.
Next post: Words that Hurt, Not Heal....
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
Don't Sing Me A Song When I'm Crying
We go to school from the time we are still having accidents in our pants, some of us anyway. Not me, just the kid that sat next to me. Anyway, we are in school for about 18 years and maybe longer if we choose, and how many classes did you have on how to relate to a suffering person? How many classes taught you how to handle losing someone you love? Did you even learn it at Sunday School or youth group? I can honestly say no to all of those. Of course some things are only learned in the class of Life Experience, but wouldn't it be nice to have a guide for some of these things?
Compassion for another human being is the way we relate to one another. When they hurt, we hurt too. When they need, we want to give. So why is it we so often get this wrong? Because we blunder through our own pain. We don't want to make a fool of ourselves. We get too close sometimes and we're afraid of making a mistake, saying the wrong thing. And a lot of us are afraid to feel another person's pain. Mainly because we're afraid of our own.
So, we get hyped up, a little too cheerful, and we start "singing songs" to a grieving person. This might be a really chipper greeting, an overly positive Christian saying or a big ole smile when you're in a puddle of tears. In other words, they're missing the mark with their reaction because they don't want you to feel the way you feel. They want you to get out of your pit. But that's not how it works. And it makes things so much worse.
I'm reading the book, "Don't Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart" -How to Relate to Those Who are Suffering by Kenneth C. Haugk, Ph.D, in an effort to not only become more sensitive to hurting people, but to become a more effective communicator of my own feelings. People can only help you if you are being honest about where you are in your heart. You can only help people if you are meeting them where they are, and not trying to put them where YOU think they should be.
I'll be sharing more about this book as I get into it more. But if this could be a class in a church, I think about the people this could help!! The pain it could ease on both sides. We are to be easing each others' burdens. Not adding to them.
Compassion for another human being is the way we relate to one another. When they hurt, we hurt too. When they need, we want to give. So why is it we so often get this wrong? Because we blunder through our own pain. We don't want to make a fool of ourselves. We get too close sometimes and we're afraid of making a mistake, saying the wrong thing. And a lot of us are afraid to feel another person's pain. Mainly because we're afraid of our own.
So, we get hyped up, a little too cheerful, and we start "singing songs" to a grieving person. This might be a really chipper greeting, an overly positive Christian saying or a big ole smile when you're in a puddle of tears. In other words, they're missing the mark with their reaction because they don't want you to feel the way you feel. They want you to get out of your pit. But that's not how it works. And it makes things so much worse.
I'm reading the book, "Don't Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart" -How to Relate to Those Who are Suffering by Kenneth C. Haugk, Ph.D, in an effort to not only become more sensitive to hurting people, but to become a more effective communicator of my own feelings. People can only help you if you are being honest about where you are in your heart. You can only help people if you are meeting them where they are, and not trying to put them where YOU think they should be.
I'll be sharing more about this book as I get into it more. But if this could be a class in a church, I think about the people this could help!! The pain it could ease on both sides. We are to be easing each others' burdens. Not adding to them.