Blessings by Airmail

I was pretty discouraged one weekend as my husband and I were out doing some errands. I'm not quite sure what started the whole downturn of my thoughts, but one thought led to another and soon I was saying that thing I hate to say. I don't like to really admit the truth of what I feel to the average audience, to be honest, because some of you can be pretty judgmental. Those of you who haven't walked in another's shoes, in particular. Those of you who can't stop thinking of yourself for one moment in order to think of what another person might be going through. Those of you who aren't really all that kind, though some of you think you are. "You" may not be one of my readers, but maybe you are. I have some pretty harsh critics where  it may surprise you, and maybe you do too. It's tough enough to struggle in this world, isn't it? And then the people who are supposed to hold you up are either absent or pushing you down, or making fun of or light of your very painful, serious situation.

Those are just some of the things that were adding to my pain that day. And so I took the bait, convinced my life was nothing but a failure. My future was bleak, and my joy was being stolen from me everywhere I turned.  People were turning on me left and right, it was just one thing after another, and I did say it again. This is what happens when I lose my hope, and I'm telling you, this is worse than any physical pain I go through. I feel like God has deserted me over and over. I wonder why I have any faith at all. I ask Him why on earth do I bother doing anything right if all He does is take everything good from me? Yep, it gets THAT low and lower. I don't want to and I can't do this anymore. My life is simply surviving. Where is my joy?

And my husband just listens. Hands tight on the wheel as I say that thing he hates to hear, because I know he fears one day I will mean it all. He reminds me that God won't give up on me and neither will he.  People say I'm strong, I'm a warrior, but you don't get to be any of those things without being beaten down a few times first, believe me. You don't get strong by simply withstanding a two year pain-filled, infection-ridden flare, peppered with migraines, more "try this" , "try that", and failures upon failures almost daily at times. There are some not-so-pretty days in between the making of a so-called "warrior". There is a lot of quitting and restarting. Falling and getting back up. Anyone who tells you any different has it too easy or has been told not to be emotional about life. I'm still in the grieving process of wanting my old life back. Every now and then I really miss the old me. I think it's okay to feel that, but I still want to be at peace with the new me too. Find me a warrior who doesn't have a sketchy or sad story within them. Find me a superhero who doesn't miss his face without the mask. Go ahead.

Now, to back up a few days,I happened to be scrolling through my blog to see if comments had been posted because they stopped posting to my email account. In doing so, I discovered at the beginning of June, my blog friend Norm, had posted that he had published a book with some of my comments in the book. He wanted to send me a copy of his book! I was thrilled, as I enjoy and respect his writing, so what an honor to be included! I felt terrible that I didn't check this sooner! The day before we left to go up north for the fourth of July, the book arrived. AIR MAIL. That's how fast it arrived from our friendly neighbor, Canada. He sent it Air Mail! How did he know how much I needed this book?  I opened it up, and quickly turned to read the back of the book. That's when my attitude changed. That's when I remembered just how God speaks to us and uses other people. I barely got through reading the back out loud to my family, who was sitting in the living room when I opened it.

This is the description of the book:
"we can wrongly believe God has abandoned us to the cruelties of life and that our Heavenly Father no longer hears us when we pray. This may cause us to feel like our world has turned upside down and we are walking on the ceiling, because every aspect of life feels like a drudgery and there is no end to it.This is so far from the truth because God does love us so much.However, when we are in the middle of this heart-wrenching existence, it takes the Holy Spirit to penetrate our heart and mind in order to break through and reach deep within us so we can be healed of the deception we have come to believe is our lot in life.
This book will help individuals make the hard changes it will take to overcome the lie that God has left us for dead. On the contrary,everything God does is to give us life and draw us closer to Himself,but we have to want it."

I do want it. I just forget I need it too. I read my own quoted parts in the book and remembered the determined girl who wrote those words. I saw the artwork from Norm's brother, that he so graciously shared with me, and I remembered the story behind it, and how it had inspired me to reach out to my own wayward brother. God gives us life, but he also gives us encouragement through some amazing people. Strangers at that! I thank God for that timely arrival of Norm's book and his truth and wisdom within it,  for it rekindled my fighting spirit, and stopped the taking of the nasty bait I almost swallowed as truth.

I know something about warriors and fighters. Someone or something is always trying to take them down. It's usually because there is something powerful within them that the enemy doesn't want them to share. This warrior will remember her gift from now on. Apparently there is something in me that needs to continue and  be developed further. I have asked Him to help me trust Him more even as things look bleak and don't go the way I want them to. I have asked for peace most of all to just be able to accept that my life isn't going to be all I thought it would be, and to be okay with the abilities and people I have left. I just reread what I wrote and I do find it odd that I didn't ask to be healed....I think I'm going to leave that statement right there. That's very interesting and revealing. More on that later. Blessings to you and thanks for reading.