You Know Me, Daughter

Some of you opened my last blog post and read it, possibly wondering why I would share such negativity. But I really hope you got more out of it than that. In reading later comments, I was relieved that you did! When I share the ups and downs of chronic illness and all the surprises it brings, I do it for a purpose. When I talk about this roller coaster, it exposes the humanness of what it means to be in the flesh, and also to believe in God. It reveals what it is like to have faith, but also be building deeper faith through trials at the same time. It is about perseverance and the times he human body and human spirit sometimes go to battle for who's in charge. Spoiler alert: neither one is in charge! It's a real tug-of-war when I find myself losing my peace. True peace only comes from trusting God, and yes, I know this, I pray this, I encourage this in others, and yet, the battle sometimes comes. You ask, "If you know that, how can you ever let go of that? Your faith must not be that strong." Well, welcome to this real Christian, still fighting her own battles sometimes, still learning how to let go. I no longer apologize for not being where others are in their faith. I can only be where I am, and where God wants me to be is where I will go.

I believe God is using me for a reason, which is why my healing hasn't come just yet! (See, I told you I'd get back to that whole healing thing eventually) Even in the midst of turmoil, I still know God is using everything I'm going through for a purpose. It's hard to explain when the emotions are high, but strangely, I feel a calming in my spirit no matter what may be going on in my body. This is my message. This is my peace, though the outward self is hurting, my inner self still feels everything will be okay. This is God at work in me.  I feel it is important to share some of the challenging emotions  I experience sometimes, because I want to connect with people. I know I'm not alone, but more importantly, I want others to know they are not alone. We are all connected somehow, sometimes through joy and sometimes through pain. Sharing our stories is how we forge bonds and become a family for others in which to relate. I am part of several online support groups for my condition. I don't need to post or interact much, but just knowing there are others in my situation makes me feel less alone. Misery loves company? Yes, it does. Misery needs and deserves company. Their very existence depends upon this in some cases.

The people I share my most wrenching thoughts with know my heart. They know even when I say something the context in which to hear it, because they trust and know me. I believe that is how God hears us too. He hears me when I'm frustrated and hurt and seemingly at the end of my rope, and He whispers, "daughter, you know me and you trust me", and my spirit calms immediately. This is what it's like to spiritually connect with God and with people. I am fortunate to hear from God and to hear from a couple of people who try hard to understand and minister to me. It really does matter that we care about people. Broken people and well people alike. Not just people you like and go to church with, but people who need what you have and claim you want to give to others.

God is in control of this, and there is a purpose for this pain. Those are two things I say regularly about my life. You won't hear me ever sugarcoat anything for anyone's benefit! I say that with a big sassy smile. God's hand is on me. I know this, because it hasn't gotten any easier. But what it has shown me is that I have become stronger than I ever thought I could be. I've been able to let go of things and people that I didn't think I could live without and I'm okay! I know what is important in life now and I don't take things for granted. I appreciate any moment I am pain-free. I am hyper aware of my blessings. I appreciate people who care about me so much more and I tell them so. On the flip side, it is easier for me to tell people I don't need any more stress from them and to please go quietly. Either stay in my life all the way or go out all the way! There's that sass again. And when that quiet calming comes in the midst of my storm, I hear the words I need to hear most of all. Even when it seems like I am not listening, even when the words coming out of my mouth don't seem to make sense to the humans around me.... 

"Rest in Me. Pray continually. Trust and see that I am good. Let Me direct your steps.Let Me carry your load. Put your hope in Me.Fix your eyes on Me. You know Me, daughter.Keep My peace."

Blessings and thanks for reading.