Have a seat at my kitchen table. Here's your coffee and cinnamon roll. This one's personal...
Wow. Where have I been lately? I have missed writing here! Summer went by way too fast, and fall is creeping in like a sneaky sneakerkins, and I turned 50 last week! I aged while you were waiting for me to post again! As I enter this new colorful season and also a new season of my life, I find myself making some major changes, though not visible to anyone but me.
I decided I have spent way too much time worrying about what others think. I have spent too much time trying to please others, keep the peace, not upset someone, blur my boundaries in order to maintain a relationship, caring about who cares about me and who doesn't,and many other things that stole my own peace. I was accepting less than I expect and who does that? Someone who doesn't love themselves enough to set healthy boundaries. Someone who needs the approval of others. Someone who is afraid to let go and reach for the unknown. Someone who hasn't been trusting the voice inside of her enough for way too long. Someone who needs to spend more time with God and less time listening to the world. Well....SCREEeeeeeCH! Those are my brakes you just heard. Who do I want to be? Who am I from here on out? A fifty year old who knows herself or a fifty year old still searching and still being disappointed? I think I know which one I am going to be!
I have that darn ole chronic illness of mine, and I have enough pain and fatigue just fighting that almost every day. I decided that on my good days, I don't want to spend it with negativity, and I started to notice that negativity in areas of my life. With certain people, with certain activities, and my own thought patterns. I do have control over my own interactions, thoughts, relationships, activities, and actions. I may not have control over the way my body wakes up every day, but I can approach it without all that other stuff in the way!
People don't realize the energy it takes for a person who has any chronic condition to function physically, let alone socially, emotionally, and every other -ally. For anyone to criticize you for not showing up to their event, without first understanding your need to spend time with your family when you are well, or recharge your batteries tells me they don't respect your friendship or the boundaries you have in place. I love a friend who understands that I may feel great at 6pm, but start flaring at 7pm! I love a friend who understands that I may cancel plans because my kids decided to come home and surprise me. Any new empty-nester gets this. It's lonely! When my kids come home, I need them! I'm not going to apologize for wanting to be with my family. I'm just not. I love a friend who respects my priorities as I respect theirs. Please be understanding of people if they can't come to all of your functions or if they cancel last minute. Try not to take it personally. Grace is a wonderful gift to give someone, especially if you know they already miss so many things! I'm lucky to get out to the grocery store! And I only go there because I'm sure of where the bathroom is...sigh. I should add that I'm tired of explaining....
I'm also setting goals to find time for the things I enjoy that involve me. Just me. What helped me do this was writing the foreword for Norm's book this summer. It made me realize I hadn't done anything that didn't involve doing something to help my husband for his work, my kids for their school, my mom for her church, my home, the yard, or a friend for something else. I rarely get to the things that matter to just me. Don't get me wrong, I love to serve others! But- I need my own goals too. I have pushed myself aside for so long that I don't even know what I like to do anymore. I'm just ready eddie for whoever needs whatever! It's no wonder I can't sit down and find time to write! I don't prioritize myself as far as life goals. I know other women in this predicament as well. And before you think it's selfish to do so, I used to think that way too, hence the reason I don't have a life of my own! It's not selfish. It's necessary. I'm tired of not having things that pertain to "me" and "me" alone, and it's not as easy as I thought it would be, even with the kids away at college. Now I realize part of that is dealing with my illness. I don't have as many good days as I would like, having not entered into remission yet. When I do have a good day, I have a whole bunch of work to catch up on! This illness zaps my energy and abilities, and I don't like to go on and on about that. But it is worth noting that it's like having bricks tied to your feet and trying to win a race with world class sprinters. And there are a lot of people out there just like me. And they look normal on the outside too. I'm much more mindful of the overtired, overworked, overwhelmed, under-stimulated person out there.
Life is more than this! God made us with a purpose, and it's our job to go after that with a passion. This is my goal.
Fifty brought with it some challenges,but my strength has increased. As you may be able to discern, I've become a little more strong in verbalizing my thoughts. I don't think that's a bad thing, and as you get older, life gets shorter. I think more people should say how they are looking at a situation, or how something made them feel. The undertow and the undermining people carry around is so evident, why not speak it instead? Why not say your disappointment and say it in a way that it can be relieved or worked out together? Why not verbalize your anger respectfully instead of going silent? Why not state your position instead of folding your arms and unfriending everyone?? I don't get why people are so afraid to just be what God made them to be-thinking, feeling, emoting, speaking humans. Do we lose control sometimes? Of course, and then there's a thing called Grace. We need maturity to get us through life,and understanding, and compassion and forgiveness for others and ourselves. I know it's not always simple. I've made so many mistakes with people and most of them didn't let me rectify them. But you know what? That's on them, not me.
My mistakes were made because I was insecure,and I think a lot of people feel that way. They just want to know they belong, and so many people just aren't willing to give that away. I gave away so much love to a person that I hurt myself in the process! I did this time and time again with people,and I stopped kicking myself for it after awhile,because I realized something. I was made to love. But not everyone was ready for that love I was trying to give. I wanted to be that "Special whatever" to someone because it was such a void in my life, and I was willing to blur all my boundaries for those people, but in the end, I missed all the red flags because I didn't see that I wasn't loving myself enough to see it wasn't real. This is huge, friends. It was a huge revelation to me, and it helped me get over the loss of some (what I thought were)very dear friends to me. I would have moved the sun and earth for them,but when I really needed them, I could see I wasn't as important to them. I needed God to show me that I was the one going wrong so that I could fix me. I now keep my boundaries safe and it is harder for me to make friends because I don't reach out as much (hard to get out when you're chronically ill anyway),but that's okay too. I always say I'm my own best friend and I enjoy my company very much. I'm delightful and I'm hilarious. LOL.
At 50, I still have a very small circle of friends,but I feel loved finally for who I am, because I am able to be completely myself with them, and no matter how warty and imperfect I am with them, there is nothing I can do that would make them stop loving me. One of them has been with me since childhood. They have been with me through the deaths of my precious family members,my illnesses,and now I'm going to walk with one as she just lost her mother this past weekend. But this is how God has redeemed those lost relationships in my life. He helped me realize who I am, who I was trying to be, and brought me new people who appreciated the love I freely give. I know what it feels like to be given up on, and I know what it feels like to be appreciated.
I'm a bit regretful that it took me all these years to figure things out, but I guess I've always been a late bloomer and people tell me I look young all the time, so why not "50" to start over, right? For now, I am planning to enjoy the fun my 50's will bring. Maybe weddings? Grandchildren? Trips? A move? Weight gain from menopause? A cure for IC? Another dog? A published book?? OOH!! The possibilities have me very excited to start this next decade. What I won't be doing is giving up on me, selling myself short, spending time being negative,or wasting time being anything less than what I was made to be!
Blessings to you and yours!
