"Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune,or temporary defeat."-Napoleon Hill
Though a typical "self-help"quote, I think of this much deeper. For years I have waited for "my time" to come. Having been sidelined by sickness at 19, I had to withdraw from college and struggled to keep my full time job. I often spent my lunch hours resting on the break room floor in the dark. I would come home and go straight to bed. I had a very limited social life, except for the many doctors I met and the clients at work. When I did go out and have fun, I paid for it the next day, and the cycle continued until I was about 23 and went to Ann Arbor for treatment. I was never really "well" after that, still struggling with debilitating migraines for years, actually until I found a doctor just a few years ago. I know what it is to miss out on everything you want to do and people you want to see. I know what it means to lose relationships because you can't keep up with them or fulfill them the way they expect. I know how it feels to watch your future goals go up in flames because you just can't focus or stay well enough to stay in school. I have known defeat for a really long time, and yet I haven't stayed down forever. I still made plans. Call it denial, call it strength,but I don't stay down for too long to this day.
As I look back on those goal-sucking days, I've also seen where they have given me opportunities I may have otherwise missed, and found people I may not have met had it not been for my hardships. In other words, this mess has been blessed, even if I couldn't see it at the time.
As I would overcome one health hurdle, another would come along,and I'm not going to give you this speech about how I embraced the challenge and thanked God for the test. Nope. I did not! I questioned Him, got mad, had a pity party or two, got strong, got weak again, lost a little faith, found it again, grew a little understanding, found a different purpose, grieved for the life I left behind,accepted it,and moved on. Do I sometimes slip back and look a little too long at what I lost? Yes. And then I am reminded of how far I've come. And as my friend Norm wrote in a blog post he sent to me, "Turn Your Faith Back On", "May our God remind us of the giants we have slain and the victories we have won in the Lord's name. Yes, we are more than conquerors, through Christ,who gives us the victory!" Those words have rung in my ears many times as I speak to myself and to others. Don't forget the giants you have already slain! Don't sit too long and think about how bad things look or feel. The world has me convinced that I'm in bad shape. According to medical reports and some of the negativity on my support groups, I'm doomed! How easily I'm persuaded in my weakness that there's no hope, when I know better. God IS my hope and my healer and because of Him, all of this has a purpose. He has me in the palm of His hand. He knows the outcome already. He knows our favorite question is Why? It's mine. Why why why? But I'm still learning it's about trust and patience and obedience, and all the things I stink at most of the time. (you may laugh out loud. It's ok)
Why do we always assume the worst? When we are assured that He wants our best?
I'll be the first to admit that when you're doing everything you can to promote yourself to good health and you STILL are not in good shape because quite frankly, interstitial cystitis has a mind of it's own...it can be so painfully frustrating. So hard to trust. So hard to not feel alone when no physical human being in your life understands, sometimes even your physician is short with you! It's a very lonely disease. And yet, God walks beside us. He knows every pain and every tear. Every frustration, every hurdle, every injustice in our care is known to Him.
I was given this particular life for a reason. I am compassionate with others who are chronically ill, in fact, I find them to be some of the kindest people I've ever met. While I used to be physically strong and not so strong mentally, I've found the tables are turning. I've had to become strong not only to endure the pain of others in my family, but to endure my own and not bury it, but face it. A completely new concept for me. Crying was a new concept for me until 2014! The Lord has changed me and continues to change me and use my weaknesses to show me that I can be strong, regardless of what slows me down. What will become of this? That remains to be seen. My job is to continue to see that it's not a punishment,look for the blessings, and continue to thank God every day. No matter what.
Staying positive is not easy. Asking God for help is also not easy sometimes. Having pain nearly every day is no picnic. I did not plan on my life going in this direction, nor would I wish it on my worst enemy. Sometimes I wake up and for just one moment I forget I have this awful condition, but then I remember, and honestly, I go through times where it is really hard to get out of bed. But I do. And I go on. I try very hard not to submit to this disease or its mental counterparts. I know that every time I make it through one of those hard times,I'm stronger for the next hurdle, whatever it may be. Praising God for the book of Job. It's gotten me through many times! Thankful for God's Word and the people He has placed in my life to remind me I'm not alone, I'm not doomed,healing is possible,and I don't have to be depressed. In fact, I have many things to be thankful for every day!
Blessings to you and may God be with you through all of your hurdles. If you are reading this, I am thankful for you too!
