Hmmm....what can I say that you haven't already thought, read, heard, or wondered out loud lately? Every time we turn around it's Corona this, Corona that, and this time I'm really disappointed we're not huddled in a bar talking about the beer. Yes, we're in some weird times, all of us going through our very first pandemic together. I can only speak for myself, but this is downright frightening, sad, alarming, eye-opening, and so many other words I can't seem to find right now. If I could find a word for the way my chest feels every day or the way my heart flips every time I wake up and remember this is real, I would speak it. But there just aren't sufficient words for the kind of emotions this has reached in me and maybe in you.
For the way my faith has been stretched and the struggled reach of my optimism, I feel myself going to a new level even while my emotions haven't yet caught up. This writer has been left wordless. This heart speaker has been rendered slightly timid as I try to navigate exactly what it is this body, mind, soul, and heart is dealing with. I guess that's what people mean when they say, "this is so surreal." It truly feels like this is happening to someone else and I am just feeling the waves crashing around me.
For days, especially while my youngest was trapped in Peru, I was dealing with a rash that suddenly broke out around both of my eyes. I would wake up each morning with swelling and redness that just got worse as the days went on. My eyes were itching and burning all day and night. As we waited to hear news of her proposed flights coming home, we were let down over and over again by delays and then cancellations. Though my daughter was remaining strong and capable, I was unable to rescue her. Unable to just get in my car and go get her, no way to just call someone and yell at them to fix it! I was useless and so I sat and sat and could do nothing but pray for God's protection over her and pray she would get home somehow. But that rash was telling. My body betrayed the calm I was wearing on the outside. I couldn't sleep. Eating was a joke. And in the middle of it all, a pandemic hits. No one is prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for that. I don't want to be prepared for disasters. Who am I when I'm prepared for disasters? I was made for peace. God told me so.
Who can really wrap their minds around this? In this generation of Americans, we've never known this kind of war or hardship on our own soil. We don't know what it's like to not get what we want when we want it. We don't like to be told we can't go where we want when we want to. WE are the land of the free and the home of the brave. The greatest country. And yet we can't fix this with our greatness. We can't fix it "united". We can only help it by uniting separately, and some people don't want to do that! I don't know why it's so hard. I really don't get it. It's life or it's death. I choose life, but if someone beside me doesn't care, my choice is gone. That's not the America I know and love.
None of this makes common sense in so many ways. People fighting over whose fault this is. People hoarding toilet paper and other necessary supplies. People still meeting when they are told exactly how this virus spreads and why contact is forbidden. It's sad and out of control and again, my body says heart flip, heart flop, neck tight, head bang, sleep, sleep, sleep, not....
My eye rash disappeared the very day we went to pick up my daughter, and even after I knew I'd be exposed to whatever she was exposed to*, I ran to hug her. I ran. She said, "Mom, why are you running?" I didn't tell her, but when you don't know if you'll ever see your kid again, you run when you do. And you hold them tight no matter what. I'll always run to the ones I love.
And that's what we need to do. Hold each other tight. Tell your friends you're sorry for whatever you did to hurt them. Make amends with your spouse, parent, with whomever you need to make peace. Not because we're all "gonna die", but because life matters and people matter and it's best to let them know now and not make them wait years to hear it. Help wherever you can, and watch for the blessings, because they are sure to be everywhere. I have been seeing them. Through the rashes on my eyes and through the clearing of them, I've seen people helping people,and I've watched love win over and over. There are miracles within the disaster and there is peace within the storm. These aren't just words. This is the other side of our reality. It is ugly and it is beautiful all at the same time. And that is the America I know and love.
I choose to trust God with the outcome of this situation, though seeing the daily death toll hurts my heart tremendously. Knowing people are sick and dying alone, being buried alone, and people are left to grieve alone, are things too heartbreaking to describe. I pray every day for this virus to end and healing to begin. I pray for all of you that took the time to read this, that hope will invade your soul, peace will win over your fearful thoughts, and God will favor you and your families. Blessings and love to you. Please be safe.
*Peru had a much lower rate of coronavirus cases than the US. When Serena left here, Peru had 0 cases, and the US had just a few. Obviously that changed very quickly. Peru took a very aggressive approach early, and she was placed on lockdown even before we were, protecting her from others very early. When she flew home, the plane was nearly empty, and she was with her group, who all got to sit where they wanted to, several seats apart. The airports and flights in the US were deserted as well. This gave us a lot of peace, knowing she was most likely not exposed at all.
For the way my faith has been stretched and the struggled reach of my optimism, I feel myself going to a new level even while my emotions haven't yet caught up. This writer has been left wordless. This heart speaker has been rendered slightly timid as I try to navigate exactly what it is this body, mind, soul, and heart is dealing with. I guess that's what people mean when they say, "this is so surreal." It truly feels like this is happening to someone else and I am just feeling the waves crashing around me.
For days, especially while my youngest was trapped in Peru, I was dealing with a rash that suddenly broke out around both of my eyes. I would wake up each morning with swelling and redness that just got worse as the days went on. My eyes were itching and burning all day and night. As we waited to hear news of her proposed flights coming home, we were let down over and over again by delays and then cancellations. Though my daughter was remaining strong and capable, I was unable to rescue her. Unable to just get in my car and go get her, no way to just call someone and yell at them to fix it! I was useless and so I sat and sat and could do nothing but pray for God's protection over her and pray she would get home somehow. But that rash was telling. My body betrayed the calm I was wearing on the outside. I couldn't sleep. Eating was a joke. And in the middle of it all, a pandemic hits. No one is prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for that. I don't want to be prepared for disasters. Who am I when I'm prepared for disasters? I was made for peace. God told me so.
Who can really wrap their minds around this? In this generation of Americans, we've never known this kind of war or hardship on our own soil. We don't know what it's like to not get what we want when we want it. We don't like to be told we can't go where we want when we want to. WE are the land of the free and the home of the brave. The greatest country. And yet we can't fix this with our greatness. We can't fix it "united". We can only help it by uniting separately, and some people don't want to do that! I don't know why it's so hard. I really don't get it. It's life or it's death. I choose life, but if someone beside me doesn't care, my choice is gone. That's not the America I know and love.
None of this makes common sense in so many ways. People fighting over whose fault this is. People hoarding toilet paper and other necessary supplies. People still meeting when they are told exactly how this virus spreads and why contact is forbidden. It's sad and out of control and again, my body says heart flip, heart flop, neck tight, head bang, sleep, sleep, sleep, not....
My eye rash disappeared the very day we went to pick up my daughter, and even after I knew I'd be exposed to whatever she was exposed to*, I ran to hug her. I ran. She said, "Mom, why are you running?" I didn't tell her, but when you don't know if you'll ever see your kid again, you run when you do. And you hold them tight no matter what. I'll always run to the ones I love.
And that's what we need to do. Hold each other tight. Tell your friends you're sorry for whatever you did to hurt them. Make amends with your spouse, parent, with whomever you need to make peace. Not because we're all "gonna die", but because life matters and people matter and it's best to let them know now and not make them wait years to hear it. Help wherever you can, and watch for the blessings, because they are sure to be everywhere. I have been seeing them. Through the rashes on my eyes and through the clearing of them, I've seen people helping people,and I've watched love win over and over. There are miracles within the disaster and there is peace within the storm. These aren't just words. This is the other side of our reality. It is ugly and it is beautiful all at the same time. And that is the America I know and love.
I choose to trust God with the outcome of this situation, though seeing the daily death toll hurts my heart tremendously. Knowing people are sick and dying alone, being buried alone, and people are left to grieve alone, are things too heartbreaking to describe. I pray every day for this virus to end and healing to begin. I pray for all of you that took the time to read this, that hope will invade your soul, peace will win over your fearful thoughts, and God will favor you and your families. Blessings and love to you. Please be safe.
*Peru had a much lower rate of coronavirus cases than the US. When Serena left here, Peru had 0 cases, and the US had just a few. Obviously that changed very quickly. Peru took a very aggressive approach early, and she was placed on lockdown even before we were, protecting her from others very early. When she flew home, the plane was nearly empty, and she was with her group, who all got to sit where they wanted to, several seats apart. The airports and flights in the US were deserted as well. This gave us a lot of peace, knowing she was most likely not exposed at all.
1 comment:
God bless you miss Jami. God bless each other. God bless America!
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