Surrender

 Isaiah 41:13 

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you. 

Yesterday didn't go as planned. I had a list on my kitchen counter of several things to finish and many calls and appointments to make. I still haven't finished my absentee ballot and I had clothes in a basket and clothes in the dryer from the day before. We had been visiting both sets of parents the evening before and I came home tired, ate oatmeal for a late dinner, left the dishes and went into a TV coma the rest of the night. A migraine would start off my day and even with medication, heat packs, and a nap, I could not shake it. I folded two loads of laundry, cut up a few vegetables for dinner that night, cut two matted balls of fur off the dog, fed the birds, and that was the extent of my accomplishments for Monday. My migraine did not cease until late that night. Today I woke up with bladder pain, which is no surprise, but frustrating nonetheless. I am tired of dealing with some kind of pain every day of my life, despite the things I do to prevent it physically, mentally, spiritually and every other -ally I can think of. I had already spent Saturday with terrible bladder pain, worried that I wouldn't be able to fulfill my commitments of making lunch for everyone plus helping with the leaf removal at my mom's house on Sunday and baking bread for Steve's parents.

 It seems whenever I make commitments to help others, my body is attacked even more. Sometimes I just want to give up or cry or both. I'm just being honest. A person can only be strong for so long before the cracks start to show. Sometime on Saturday I checked the weather forecast and was somewhat grateful for a 90% chance of rain on Sunday to give me the reprieve from the lunch and the leaves, as I didn't have what I needed to make the lunch and would have had to go shopping. Steve also felt sick on Saturday, so my backup was out of commission too. In fact, I had spent Friday night taking care of him. Saturday was just rough. Mom was disappointed that we couldn't all come because she is lonely. She misses church and bible study and feels everyone has deserted her and I agree. Whatever happened to taking care of the widows and the orphans? I think that only applies when people don't have to wear a mask to go and see her. She served her church for many years, but it just doesn't matter. See, these are the things you think about with a 12 hour migraine. Injustices, the lost, the lonely, the misguided, the unfairness going on right now, the friends who just aren't really your friends anymore. Things just don't feel "right" right now, and it isn't just the pandemic. But the pandemic certainly isn't helping. It's the election, the difficulty in even having a discussion with anyone and having to tiptoe because you know you're on opposite sides and don't agree on anything with certain people.  It's not fun to disagree and it certainly has been a unique time in history where people of the church have taken politics into God's house and pastors are quitting. But that's another issue.

1 Peter 5:7 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 

As I write this from my card table chair on my card table in my bedroom, my husband is using my small desk chair in my old craft room/writing room because his desk chair finally bit the dust. The tile for our kitchen sits behind him on my scrapbook paper cubbies, and his awards for excellence sit on the windowsill with some family pictures. Every now and then the internet goes out right in the middle of something he is doing or he gets the blue screen of death on his work laptop. Sometimes his dad calls in the middle of the day and needs something. When I need to take or make a call, I no longer sit in the living room on my couch, but I try to find a quiet, private place so I don't bother him. He shuts his office door frequently when he's in meetings, probably because we are way too loud! Of course we are glad he's not one of the millions unemployed or one of those trying to work outside of our home while there is still a virus out there. But working from home has its challenges too. Lots and lots of things have changed. Having a daughter in college among an outbreak, having a graduated daughter trying to figure out what she's going to do about getting a job while companies are either shut down or not hiring-these are not just our challenges, but the challenges of many. Add to that health problems, mental health issues, family issues, and the unspoken issues many of us are keeping to ourselves. It's been a pressure cooker. A pressure cooker with many blessings, praise God. 

Truth be told, I don't want to make any of those calls. I don't want to go to any of those appointments. I don't want to dry my apples, make applesauce, freeze all that squash, fill out my ballot, run to the township office, give the dog a haircut, NONE OF THEM. My body hurts, my mind hurts, my soul is tired, and sometimes I just want to surrender. Today is that day. I'm here to tell you that sometimes I can only do things after I give them up. I finally say to God, I can't do any more things. I hurt everywhere. It's too much. My mind is overworking again. My spirit is weak, and I feel alone. Take this burden from me because I don't want it. And He will take it. All the political garbage, all the physical pain, all the frustrations, and all the noise of my "to-do" lists. Because only God can make things right when nothing feels "right".  And I will guarantee you, He won't say, "You should be thankful because someone has it worse than you." He will say instead, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11-28-30 

Blessings to you as you navigate your path with God. May you see your blessings in your challenges as we do, but also know that it is okay to feel powerless and want to give up sometimes. Simply reach up and ask God to be your power source. He is more than ready to listen and help.