Falling Apart

 Apparently I couldn't end the year without another health issue, which begins another relationship with an "ist". One thing I hate about chronic illness is one condition seems to weaken the system and cause something else to break, or in this case, literally fall apart. Bonnie Tyler sang it, "every now and then I fall apart"....yep. That's me. Singing while I collapse! 

I am quite literally, falling apart, and trying to avoid surgeries.  I'm falling apart from the inside out in many ways, and rather than give in to this seemingly uncontrollable nightmare, I am putting on my warrior attire for this battle. I'm ready to give this battle a swift kick in the buns before it beats me.  

I met with two health care specialists in the last two weeks. One of them has blown me away with her knowledge, sensitive approach to not only my physical care, but also to my mental state as we navigate this new problem. The other, having little to no knowledge about my existing condition, actually aggravated the condition and threw me into a horrible, painful flare which has just started to subside after 3 days.  I'm not liking her too much these days. 

Having dealt with chronic illness for several years, I have learned many things about many different types of people, and not all of them have impressed me. Some people come into your life to help you, some will hurt you, some will leave you, some will make the situation better, and some you are better off without! While this is true about any person, it is very important for a person facing illness of any kind. We must be diligent with surrounding ourselves with people who are considerate, kind, careful, supportive, empathetic, helpful, prayerful, and non-judgmental. All others need not be present as I am falling apart, thank you. If you can't help pick up pieces, please go hang out with healthy people. 

My new physical therapist has been amazing. Apparently every new physical therapist must undergo training in order to understand the mind-body connection with pain. Of course we health-challenged people understand this because we live it every day. We have good days and bad days, physical and mental. My flare and subsequent mood gave her an opportunity to show me firsthand how this applied to me on the day the doctor carelessly made my pain worse. 

She pulled out her education material and showed me how a person deals with physical pain and the cycle of healing. She then showed what happens when we don't heal properly; how the pain threshhold actually goes down.  The graphic happened to be a person who stepped on a nail. The person who heals well will go on just fine and the pain level goes down and eventually disappears. But a person whose pain is not healed will eventually continue to be hurt over and over by something as simple as a feather. So my exam may have been painful, but her lack of compassion added a level of pain that caused my body to overreact and throw me into another flare. We think we have a high pain tolerance, but our emotional pain tolerance is becoming lower and lower, and our body is following suit. 

When my therapist brought this to my attention, I felt like crying. I felt heard and understood. Did my flare immediately stop? No. But knowing that someone understood that it was important for my pain to be respected meant so much to me. In some cases, there is a great deal of emotional pain added to physical pain. This does not mean that those of us suffering from physical conditions are hypochondriacal, or suffering from psychosomatic illnesses. It is not our "fault" that we are sick and it doesn't help to hear that from anyone. Anyone dealing with long-term illness has probably crossed that bridge to emotional pain. We are human, after all. Chronically ill people, particularly females, are told ad nauseum, that our pain isn't real, and that it's "all in our heads", particularly pain people cannot see with their baby blues and greens. Sir or madam, please stop or we will be forced to run you over with our invisible wheelchairs.  

 Chronically ill people have enough to deal with, and we are not all the same, so please be very careful how you talk to anyone. Everyone has something they are trying to deal with, live with, and carry. Your words and how you deliver them could make all the difference. Choose well. Choose love, gentleness, and kindness. If you can't help, then please don't hurt, and if you are a praying type of person, tell them this: I am praying for you! If you can see or think where bad habits might be causing their pain, pray that God helps them to see it and help to heal it. Don't be the nosy nelly that tells them to "get out more and you'll feel better". Trust me, they won't do either with that empty advice.  Chances are, they developed those bad habits to cope with pain and "well-meaning people". It's a vicious little cycle, chronic pain. If you wouldn't dream of telling someone in a wheel chair to get up and walk, then stop yourself from telling someone with chronic illness not to be depressed or in pain all the time. 

What motivated me to get in control of my pain was to understand how that pain is manifesting itself in my body, and what parts of the body are working against me and why. I am kind of a nerd and I love science. I am guessing many of you (all 5 of you, including the Bots) had no idea of this! So, I love knowing WHY about anything! Once I understood what my nerves and muscles were doing and how they were fighting me, I said, "um, excuse me madam, but that is MY domain, and you need to QUIET DOWN while I run the show my way!" 

I am now even more motivated to change my habits, my approach, and my outlook and plan in order to hopefully change my outcome of this new issue. One of those changes is adding a long-term illness therapist into my health regime. I need someone to talk to who can really speak to the kinds of emotions I feel and give me the coping skills and tools that will help me release some of these feelings that are making me sicker inside and probably outside too.

 It is perfectly okay and sometimes necessary to seek help outside of family and friends, and sometimes family and friends will be relieved when we do! There are just some things they are not equipped to handle, and we should never expect anyone to know how to deal with everything we go through all the time. It can be a lot for a family member to love a chronically ill person! I know I either feel I'm burdening someone too much or keeping too much inside, and that's a good indicator that it might be time to seek a professional counselor.  

I will also address that the most important part of my healing is also trusting God for that healing. I don't believe illness comes from God, but sometimes illness is allowed so that a purpose I may not understand right now can be fulfilled through me. While I can beg God to tell me why have I dealt with health issues since I was 19, I am okay with not knowing the answer, because all throughout my life, I have been blessed despite my terrible health. I really have! I have a huge list of beautiful blessings even with all this yucky health stuff! 

I have learned that sometimes God heals immediately, as we've seen all throughout the Bible. Sometimes healing takes many years. Sometimes healing comes in the form of our heavenly arrival, and we won't know why until we need to know. All of these things have one thing in common, and that is our faith. 

It has not been easy to trust in God's timing for my healing. I have gone through all the "stuff"-being angry, feeling forgotten, thinking I must have done something to deserve this, wondering why me (self-pity is its own disease!), to being very depressed and not wanting to be here, to then feeling this is my purpose, to now feeling like I have a purpose in my HEALING and not my sickness! My purpose is to heal and focus on living healed. Picturing what that looks like and feels like. 

See, God wants us focused on HIM and the healing, and I know it's hard to do that when you're hurting, curled up in a fetal position, in tears, watching the world go by without you in it. Wondering if your life can be full while you can't participate fully in it. I've felt them all, thought them all, and I've arrived at this. God has a purpose for me, falling apart or completely whole. He loves me and wants the best for me, even though I look in the mirror and say every day, "what the heck is going on with this body?" I look to God and He says, "I will get you through this day with MY strength. Lean on Me and My body." 

We live by faith and not by sight. He goes before me. These are the promises I stand by. I will be healed and you will be healed. In your faith, you will be healed. Blessings to you! 

Real Christmas Gifts

 I once sent a friend a virtual gift of "the 12 days of Christmas".  It was an effort to make amends in a few areas and "give" new perspectives and share memories of the relationship over the years. I was excited each day, presenting my unique “gift”. I can’t say I didn’t have some type of expectation attached. Sometimes we don’t even realize the expectations we attach to people until they let us down. 

It was a well-written gift from the heart for this particular friend, and I don't really remember much feedback over the individual "gifts". Overall,  I think it took this person by surprise, and {SPOILER ALERT}, we are no longer in communication. Oh, not because of that....years have passed since then. 

I used to wonder if that person ever thought about it too, but now I don’t really think about it except to share these thoughts today.  While my expectations of others often led to disappointments,  I’m now in a much better and more peaceful place. I have learned a lot about myself through these lessons. 

In this gift-giving season, sometimes we need to give ourselves a "gift" and think a little deeper when "shopping" for others.  The biggest gift is to understand that giving is not about us. What others do or think about us or what we’ve done for them is also not about us. It’s so much easier when I slide Mr. Pride and Mrs. Ego out of the way, and let God lead my heart. 

It has made me realize that sometimes we can give people our hearts and not get the reaction we expected, and sometimes get a really unexpected reaction! But here's the real deal. Love is all about doing and giving what someone else needs. Whether it's your friend, family, or love interest. When you care about somebody, you don't think about whether or not you're going to GET something back! You act out of the love in your heart because you put that person's heart ahead of yours. So it doesn't matter what happens with the outcome, because the love is in the giving. Real love feels good, regardless. If it doesn't, then you're expecting something. If it blows up, it blows up. But you gave and you loved and it still mattered to the One who saw your intentions.

God showed us the most selfless act of love when He laid down his life for us. We could never match that level of love and sacrifice, and in fact, we are often quite unappreciative of the One who did this for us. And what does God do? He keeps loving us anyway. 

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoesoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

I've also realized that we still need to shine a bright light in the darkness even if no one sees it because that bright light was still meant to shine.  Shine your light everywhere you go simply because you have light. It is meant to dispel darkness, not to impress others or sway them to you. Did a stranger's smile ever make you smile back? THAT is light! You didn't follow them home, they didn't change your mind about anything. They just made you feel better without even trying. Go do that even when no one is seemingly watching. 

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16 

We need to think a whole lot less about what we are getting out of the efforts we may put in to people, and if we can’t do that, then we shouldn’t be doing it until our hearts are set straight. You won't always know how you impacted a person. Don't assume you know how a person received what you gave or what you did. It doesn't matter anyway, because it's never about us. If we did it, it's because God enabled us. 

I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5

The best gift I ever gave this person who is not in my life at this time, is to pray for them and to also ask God to give me understanding and wisdom for this and all relationships. To help me with any unforgiveness I may have and to help me see these situations with His eyes. Then I am able to fully release the outcome to God and allow all relationships to be what they are meant to be and not what I pictured or hoped they would become.   

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

If we have kindness, compassion, a listening ear, understanding, a smile, some time to talk, or the gift of writing, baking, building, etc...Take that extra effort and pour it into another person's heart this Christmas. Love is always a gift when given, even if it’s not returned. 

Let My Words Be Few

 Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.  

Proverbs 21:23

How many times have you said something you immediately wish you could take back? Over my lifetime, I would say probably countless times. In the past couple of years, the answer would regretfully be the same. Not all of my carelessly uttered words have led me to calamity, but sometimes they cause me instant discomfort because I know I've said something out of my flesh and not of my spirit. By speaking, I also mean posting, and I've admitted before that I got a little carried away on Twitter, and I deeply regret the things I said in my height of emotion over the election. In hindsight, I should have never allowed myself to get so upset over things that are so media-driven and I was very influenced and inflamed by the things I was reading and seeing online. My flesh was all in. 

Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. 

Matthew 26:41

Over the past couple of years, I finally stopped talking and reacting, I've had a chance to think about a lot of things. Mostly because the solitude has caused me to have a lot of alone time, but also because it has been a time of significant change. Whenever significant changes are happening around us, we should be thinking more than we are speaking. I'll go even further and say that our thoughts should lead us to prayer. Though introspection is normal, it can't be trusted! Taking our concerns to God and leaving them with Him is the only way to make it through a time when our words don't seem to be making any impact at all. 

It's been a target-rich time of hearing about what negative things others are "against" and not enough positive things of what they stand "for". Every day we are hearing and sometimes regurgitating about the world's problems and negativity and not enough talk of solutions and positive changes. I sometimes feel I'm living in "opposite world", where good is seen as bad, and bad is seen as good, and quite honestly, being alone has been my refuge from it all. 

 I've sat and thought about people whose lives I've poured into by way of attending their important events, investing in  them, or spent time in deep conversations about sensitive and emotional topics, who disconnected with me over political differences. I've remembered how they once declared how my devotion to them was unmatched, yet was derailed in an instant, and left me questioning everything I thought I knew about friendship and love, and what I've been doing all these years. I am now left with higher boundaries, maybe a wall or two, and a very guarded sense of who even belongs in my life. 

Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. A dream comes when there are many cares, and many words mark the speech of a fool. 

Ecclesiastes 5:2-4 

Friends, we are letting this happen when we let our flesh dictate our spirits. When we are not only listening to fools, but we are repeating them, and then sounding like them too. Let's "let our words be few". We need to get quiet. Let the Lord speak to our hearts, tell us what to say, if anything at all, but we should know who and what is more important without having to be told, shouldn't we? That is what has been plaguing my thoughts all along. We should all know better that people are more important, but results prove otherwise. 

We decided to let what we are "against" represent who we are instead of Who we are for, and who we love.  

We stood on a platform and said, "If you don't agree with me on this one temporary, singular, changeable, worldly thing, you're not my brother, sister, friend, mother, father, son.." Even though you were the ONE person who stood in the gap for me. People, why did we do this? Hey, I know there are some pretty big issues out there, and I've been disappointed in some opinions and ideas around me too, but if we can't have conversations and we can't talk like reasonable people with the people we love, then there is something seriously flawed in us. And that needs to be seriously changed.  This is not why we are here. Politics, economics, business, school, success, yes. All of that is of the world, important ,but it's temporary, and it's still not why we are here. When we elevate those things above people, we will fail as people. 

When people leave the friends and family that they said they loved and turn and bond with others, especially strangers,  over the things they hate together, that is a problem. It's a flesh problem. While they may think it's a sign of unity and strength, it's the most common sign of weakness and flesh failure I can even imagine. It's a cop-out, and if that person would stop and listen to their spirit speak, their flesh would shrivel on the spot. 

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh, rather serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

Galatians 5:13-15 

The strongest I've had to be is trying to relate to anyone I love who is completely opposite of me! As much as you are tired of me pushing my olive branch at you and bored of hearing me say this, we are to love one another. (John 15:12) It's not always fun. It's not always easy. I don't wanna do it sometimes either, okay? People can be complicated and I'm sure I'm not a barrel of fun either at times. But there is a reason it's a command and not a suggestion. I have opinions, I have judgments, I have my own mind too. But none of that is more important than peace in my relationships. 

Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.

Proverbs 10:12 

All hate does is causes more hate and more fighting. It does nothing but prove that the flesh is weak. It's easy to sit around and talk about the things we all "hate". But let's talk about the things we love and see how the conversations change us. Let's see how short those social media scrolling times would be!  Love covers all offenses. All of them. That's interesting, isn't it? Because it's true. What the Bible says is true. 

You may not see these things on social media, which is not a place where things are necessarily trustworthy! If you are reading Facebook more than an hour a day, then you are most likely way more influenced by what you are reading than what you even think. We are influenced by what and who we spend the most time with each day. If you are spending time with a toxic person or a place that shares a constant flow of toxicity every hour of every day, you can be affected by that. That is the main reason I go to the Bible for my news. The more I know about God, the less I trust the world, and that's the way it's meant to be. You are most affected by the person you spend the most time with. Let that person be the Lord, who knows you and loves you best.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. 

Romans 12:2 

It has been a challenging time of hearing and seeing things that can get our blood boiling, no matter what it is that upsets us. The news alone can get me so upset that I can feel my body tensing up in a way that promotes pre-seizure activity. Since seizures thrive in stress-rich environments, I really have to allow God to take over my life. I can't allow my mind or my body to take on that kind of burden anymore. The truth is, even if it doesn't look like it, God is in control of the world and the situations that seem very dire. All of my stressing and worrying won't change a thing! 

And that includes dealing with people who stress me out! We don't have to engage in stressful conflicts, conversations, or even relationships that completely drain us of our spirits. In fact, it's foolish for us to do that. 

The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. 

Proverbs 12:18 

You and I have a choice every day to either be part of the problem or the solution. We can't control another person's reactions to the state of the world, and to try would be out of our wheelhouse. All we can do is stay at peace, continue to ask God into any and all situations, and let our words be few unless God asks us to speak into it. I will add that "letting our words be few" includes watching what we read and post on social media. Sometimes we get all ramped up on things we see that aren't even true, and arguments are based on someone else's misguided opinions and non-facts.  I will state here again that unplugging from social media over a year ago has given me a peace that has certainly passed understanding!  We can be our own peace, and we can be a source of peace for others by simply being peaceful. Who in your life is a source of peace? For me, that is Norm Sawyer. Thank you, Norm! You're a rock who knows how to rock PEACE. Whenever I find myself out of sorts, I think to myself, "what would Norm think?" And I already know. He would keep his peace about it, because he trusts the Lord, so that's what I will do too. 

The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. 

Proverbs 17:27 

You in the Mirror

 There is so much to get "worked up" about these days and in these tumultuous times, isn't there? I don't know what gets you all upset and bothered, but all I can say is that I've had enough. I'm tired of angry people, mostly arguing about things they don't know everything about, and things that they can't control, which is why they are angry in the first place. 

I've had enough of hearing all about it, feeling one way or another about it, getting upset about it, or being subjected to the constant barrage of opinions and news pieces about this, that and the other thing about whatever is going on here, there, and everywhere. All I know is that God knows the outcome of ALL of this, and no matter how it looks to us, it all has a purpose to God, and somehow, some way, if we manage to stay peaceful and kind and open throughout this, we will be USED for His good purpose. But we really can't lose our cool! We just cannot!

The truth is, what I think I know and how it all makes me feel, has no bearing on the outcome of any of these events. Wars, fires, shortages, viruses, floods, storms, politics, and on and on. These things will continue until the end of time, and have been around since the beginning of time. No one's opinion has ever changed that. Not one person's opinion- whether hate or rage-filled, self-righteous, indignant, and full of vitriol for all who disagree, or gentle, peace-minded, intelligent and full of factual information. Opinions don't change outcomes.   

 According to Scripture, there are seven things that God hates- haughtiness (looking down on other people), killing the innocent (people who can't defend themselves), plotting evil (thinking in advance how to hurt others), racing to do wrong (full of revenge and feeling right to plot evil), a false witness (lying about other people), sowing discord (dividing groups of people by creating tension and causing uproars). Proverbs 6:16

All of those things have one thing in common-All the stuff we do to HURT OTHER PEOPLE. He doesn't want us running around like half-cocked, selfish, loose-lipped idiots, because it puts us in a position to sin, and further separates us from HIM. We are to love God and love others above ourselves. Matthew 22:35-40

So how do you do that when you feel like "plotting evil" against those "false witnesses" sometimes?? I mean, I have a few rotten tomatoes in my garden that could really splaaaat, ya know what I'm saying?? Okay, I'm just kidding, but it can get really frustrating when someone's outlandish actions affect your territory. I mean, they do warn you at Sea World to not sit in the front row if you don't want to get wet. Some people will still blame Shamu for swimming in water and splashing them. It can get pretty dicey if you try to fight it, friends. Sometimes you just have to put the two things at the ends of your arms over your ears and close your peepers to the things that make you wonder if aliens are among you. 

These days I choose peace over making a statement because it's more important to reflect who God is than who I am. It's gonna be okay. Not today, but someday. If you want to choose peace but you just find those lips a bit loose, stick a Tootsie Pop in there. It worked all throughout our kids' sports years. (insert smile here) 

God guarantees that someday it will be okay, but not here on earth. John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." It can't be good here, because we're all doing detestable things to each other with blatant disregard.  We're living out of God's Will, treating each other poorly, and disregarding the knowledge and wisdom we were given instead of taking care of each other the way He intended. 

It takes more than a few people doing things right to turn things around. It takes all of them-all of us, in fact, and we all know that won't happen without God's eventual intervention. We are to live at peace with one another, loving our neighbors, being slow to anger and (James 1:19), quick to forgive, and that is not happening in many nations and many situations in our own lives, families, and  little towns. We need to make better choices, as I used to say ad nauseum to my girls as they were growing up. Better choices lead to better relationships and better outcomes. 

 Sadly, a year and a half later, people still can't even agree on a simple piece of fabric! I will say here that I am grateful that for the past many many years, all of my surgeons and health care providers have worn face coverings, and in my doctor's offices, pre-pandemic, they were encouraged and provided for cancer patients, immune-compromised individuals, and otherwise unhealthy patients for protection of others' or their own airborne germs. Back when it was accepted as a fact, that is. 

 But like I said, our "opinions" are changing nothing and seeming to cause a lot of division and discord, which God despises. I can really see why God would despise discord. It really is annoying. I am praying for those who have children in schools right now, for those who are in the healthcare profession, for those who are having to make decisions in these fields, and for those who are still fighting this virus every day in one way or another. Prayer does a couple of things. It helps us to see things the way God sees them, and it helps us to shoot down our own opinions and solutions to problems, understanding that we don't have all the answers to everything. If that makes me a "sheep", then so be it, as God calls me that, and it's an honor. 

If I am to try to see this as God does, then my own opinion doesn't count for much, does it? As I approach many other social situations with a heart for God, this one is no different for me. If I am loving my neighbor and putting my neighbor and their children first, then I would want to do them no harm. For me personally, I ask God to show me what that looks like to HIM. How does God want me to protect others, to love others, to show them I respect them, and to be a part of society that listens, cares, and seeks to be productive and not stuck in my own opinions to the point of causing others' harm or distress. How do I go about my life loving God and being a reflection of that love and not just being a "Christian" and a "bible thumper". I have never been the latter, by the way, but I have bumped into my bible a few times and knocked it on the floor. Klutzy, I am. 

We can ask God for the insight that we need that only He can give to help us invite the change needed to turn this around, but if you don't want to change because you always think your way is right, then your scenery will always look the same. That's all I can say about that. 

Blessings to you, and stay away from all the news and the articles that make you want to toss your rotten tomatoes. It's just not worth the extra energy! Spend time in your garden thanking God for the tomatoes that grew. 

Going Bananas

 A quick check of the headline news and a few stories in, and I'm already shaking my head. I saw a quote that summed up my feelings on most individuals in the stories I read- "It's like we're dealing with a 2-year old who puts their hands over their eyes when they're playing hide-and-seek. They think because they can't see you, you can't see them." 

The problem is that it's adults in places of power with their hands over their eyes. I sit here wishing they would place their hands directly over their mouths and open those two things on the sides of their heads called EARS. The things we were given by God for the purpose of hearing and listening.  There doesn't seem to be a lot of that going on these days, from the contents of these news stories. 

And while I'm on the topic of using senses, why are so many people willing to stop using theirs when it comes to such important things? Try as I might to be all patient and graceful, there are days I just want to go bananas on people who act like they graduated from some top medical school with a political science degree and have somehow become fluent in all things biomedical, with a top of their field medical- political science -I -know -it- all -and -no one -else- can- tell -me -any- different -law degree, and they are now holding some kind of prestigious office in the government of which I've not ever heard of or will ever become aware. Somehow we are all privy to the outward actions and complaints of many and solutions of none, though all of this "knowledge" is powerful, correct, new, but "hidden", and these actions are "right" and "justified" and everyone must utilize them because they are the "truth". What in the actual weird Al Yankovich are they talking about?? See what I mean, it makes me bananas! Lord, help me put my hands over my eyes, my ears, and everything else! Calgon, take me away!  Something do something! Anything! But is that the answer? What even is the question?

I'm not here just to complain, although releasing my banana nut thoughts here does make me feel a bit better. We all get a little nutty after awhile. The world is a bit of a mixed bag right now, and let's face it, people are wild, fickle and crazy sometimes! I'm here to attempt/offer some solutions/peace, and I'll get there eventually. I heard another analogy awhile back, and I use this one often and for many situations. My kids are probably tired of it, and now it's your turn. 

When you are approaching a red light at an intersection at 2 or 3am, do you stop? I mean, there are likely no vehicles coming, right? It's not like any police officers would see you just driving through without stopping. So why do you stop?  I stop because I'm a law-abiding citizen, for one thing, and for another, I stop because it's the RIGHT thing to do. I stop because I don't want MY careless actions to hurt or kill another person just because I may THINK it doesn't matter. I sense that my contribution to this earth or lack thereof directly affects another person; whether someone else is watching or not, another car is coming, or even if I don't agree that I should have to stop. Our actions matter. We affect other people, whether we like to admit it or not, whether it's convenient or feels good to do or not. Even if it doesn't seem to make sense at the time. Our choices can and do affect other people, like it or not. 

There is always a bigger picture even when we are seeing a very small piece of it. When we are all jammed up in our minds, angry and twisted up about an issue or a situation, we tend to be very tunnel-visioned about it. We can only see OUR side of it, and very little anything anyone else says has any bearing on changing that view. Trying to change a behavior like this is like trying to medicate a dead person. You will get absolutely nowhere. It won't change a thing! (I heard this somewhere, though I can't recall where) Hence, all the arguing, complaining, negativity, and "getting nowhere" we are all experiencing pretty much everywhere. If I don't want to stop at a red light at 2am, why should I? It's not "hurting" anybody! Until it kills someone. And even after it kills a lot of someones, there will still be someone arguing that a red light at 2am is ridiculous. Because there are always a lot of someones who don't think their actions affect anyone but themselves, and that is actually not true. 

 How on earth can we shut it down? Turn off that infernal noise of hearing people complain and the incessant arguing around us, the negativity of the news and the world? I've been accused of wanting to wear "rose-colored glasses" when I choose not to discuss bad news in my home during a holiday or any time, for that matter. This is not so. But I do think we all have the right to decide what kind of mood we want to set in our homes  when conversations start, and if I don't want the people in my home to feel stressed or upset by the latest bad news, I will change the subject respectfully. It certainly doesn't mean I "put my head in the sand", thank you very much for yet another analogy of what I don't do. There is a time and a place. We can all take control of our own lives, and setting an example of living out our peace, even while a war of sorts rages on in the world around us. It doesn't mean we don't care! Rather it means we know the difference between what we can control and what we can't, what we should react to and what we should respond to, and the kinds of toxins we need to keep from rotting out our hearts. 

 I have a couple of methods for dealing with my disappointments with life and people at the moment. I'm not sure how great it's going, but with a chronic medical condition that thrives on stress, I have to do what's best for my mental health and my body. So here are my tips for survival: 1. Avoid social media (no Facebook, no Twitter, not even Instagram, and let me tell you, I don't miss it one bit!) 2. Limit news to a short period per day (most of it is biased, and slanted toward whoever the president of that broadcast company supports politically. We all know this) 3. Lots of prayer for God to show me how to love others better, humble myself more, be more understanding, and be patient and kind. (I'll let you know how that is going) 4. Bible study, writing, reading, and quiet time in nature.  5. focus on the bigger picture. This too shall pass! I'm trusting God for the outcome.  I am believing for a full and healthy life that I never thought was possible, including a  healthy body and healthy, honest friendships. (Independent voters who love God, dogs, nature, and very very light to no political talk need only apply! see #3 LOL)

One thing to remember in this time of great division and destruction in our world is that God is still God. He's still the one who relentlessly pursues us and the people we are most at odds with every day. He won't forget us or the ones we have concerns about. We can trust Him with our worries and with the actions of those around us. We can ask God to help us love as He loves, understand as He understands, see as He sees, be humble like He is humble, be patient as He is patient, and be concerned about the state of others' hearts more than the quality of their opinions and actions. (and our own as well!) We can deposit people at the feet of Jesus, ask Him to care for them, and go about our business, nut and bananas free! Remember, we may see "them" as the problem, but they see "us"' as the problem, and until we all realize that we are all a part of the problem, the problem stays very well fed. Only trust in God followed by action can starve the problem. 

Blessings to you as you navigate this crazy world.  Maybe you're trying to forge different relationships with your family or reestablish wayward friends or looking to find some new friends. Maybe you're the one who caused a rift and you're looking to mend the fence you've blown. Whatever you have been forced to face, just know you will always have God at your side and on your side, facing it with you. 

Truth, Unfiltered

  "Everyone loves the honest person until the honest person strikes a chord with a truth they weren't ready to receive."

Isn't that the truth? Have you ever tried to extend help to a complaining person and it turned out they really didn't want help at all, but they just wanted to keep complaining? Your "help" became an intrusion into their narrative of "poor poor pitiful me", and how dare you try to give them any kind of solution! 

It can be very frustrating to listen to a person continually complain about the same thing, over and over, especially when they do nothing proactive to change. And that same person will flat out ignore any knowledge, wisdom, or resources given to help them along the way. 

Sometimes I sit and marvel at the dummies who had Jesus right there next to them, sitting in his robe and sandals, and they STILL didn't listen or heed his advice. How blind do you have to be? 

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But a wise man is he who listens to counsel. 

Proverbs 12:15 

We can tell someone the same thing over and over, but eventually we need to realize that communicating isn't the problem. Their comprehension of not only the problem, but the solution, is the problem. We can't solve other people's problems. As frustrating as it can be to have the same complaint dumped at our feet each time, we have to learn not to pick it up, make it ours, and just keep blowing smoke at it with futility. Some people like talking about their problems more than they really desire to fix them. And I'm quite convinced that people really like talking about the world's problems without offering any intelligent solutions at all. 

I have a few solid people in my life who tell me the raw and honest, unfiltered truth. I need them. I need the truth all the time. I don't want it whitewashed and candy-coated. I need to know when I'm full of malarkey, when I'm fooling myself, when I'm off-base, or off my rocker. I need to know and I want to know the truth, and if you tiptoe around me or you walk on eggshells around it with me, I will know two things about you: 1. You don't really know me, and  2. You probably don't love me. Love equals honesty with me. And if I am able to be honest in return, we've got a deal made in heaven for eternity. 

If I tell you the truth and I'm being open and honest with you, it means I feel I know you and I care about you and love you and vice versa.  If I'm withholding, it means either you haven't allowed me to get to know you, we don't know each other well yet, or there isn't enough love or care between us at that point. Otherwise, the relationship will be sweet and surface, polite, complete with a muffin and coffee.  My least favorite kind. 

I have learned over the last two years that when I have spoken my truth or my heart, it has repelled the people who said they cared about me and would never step out of my life. However, they had felt or said those things because I kept myself at a distance from the topics I knew would cause hurt feelings among THEM. Again, communication can help or hurt, but comprehension is everything, and I knew I couldn't count on either of those things, and I was right.  People will only hear what serves them sometimes, and that certainly does not make for a very productive conversation, does it? An honest conversation really requires the one element that probably hurt me more than any of those interactions: love. A lack of love exposed will crack any relationship wide open and reveal just how shallow it was the whole time.  As the saying goes, the truth hurts. 

The truth people need to be ready to receive is that it's not what is going on in the world, or what people say to us (whether well-meaning, true or not), or even what we are saying quietly to ourselves. We are all under a much higher authority and a much more open mind than any of us can ever possess, and that is God. God works with us and through us, but if we aren't turning to Him every day for the insight and the direction we need for ourselves, then we can offer little direction for anyone else. 

When I even spend my daily 10 minutes updating myself on the US headline news on my Canadian (unbiased) news app, I find myself twisting up inside. When I spend 30 minutes with God and reading what the Bible says, and how I am to be conducting myself and toward others, I feel at peace. It's no wonder that there are millions of angry, unproductive, miserable, prideful, fatigued, and disgruntled people around the world. I am willing to bet there are more people spending their day watching garbage news than filling their minds with what God says about them. Is that a fair assumption based on what you've experienced with people lately? My goodness I'm tired of negative people and negative words and negative actions everywhere! 

One of my truth-telling dear friends, Norm, instructed me to step into the grass in my bare feet and spend some time asking God for my healing. I didn't just brush off his suggestion. I actually flipped off my shoes, as did my husband, and we spent the day in our bare feet up north, basking in the sun, and spending time in the Spirit of God and nature. When is the last time you took a dear friend's suggestion to heart? Do you know how many times I have suggested something to a friend and it gets brushed off? I would guess probably every time. But I value what Norm says because of two things in me: I want to see a change in me, and I believe in him and the results that his life reflects. I want to be more like Jesus, and Norm does too. Does that involve telling me things I don't like to hear sometimes? Yes, but if I'm wise, I'll listen. If I'm a fool, I won't. It's that simple. 

Whoever heeds instruction is on the path to life, but he who rejects reproof, leads others astray. 

Proverbs 10:17

You have to want to change, and part of change is recognizing the truth of the problem.  If you want to know what God thinks about you and what you're doing, you have to be willing to listen, put the time in, and make the changes. If you don't, then don't complain that your life isn't the life you want. God will use other people to tell you the truth sometimes, and maybe you'll strike out at them or not want them around anymore, but eventually if you are ready to listen, you will welcome the honesty and you will take the instruction. In other words, you'll take that humble pill we all need to take sometimes and get busy getting yourself better. 

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ. 

Ephesians 4:15 ESV 

Shiny, Messy Peace

 If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone. 

Romans 12:18 

I've been listening to a couple of women on a podcast share a unique experience they are going through in life within their families. It's something that is very public. It has been very difficult to share openly. Many people know about it, don't always support them, judge them very harshly, criticize the choices they've made throughout their lives and have a lot to say, though they haven't lived one day of their lives for them.  Why are they choosing to share this very personal life experience? Because they want to help others, they want to show what God has brought them through, and because they want to show people what peace looks like within a very broken family. They are showing people that divorce doesn't have to be ugly and hateful, and that kids don't have to "choose" one parent or family over the other. They are proving that an ugly divorce can end in love and friendship, forgiveness, and peace! Imagine that. 

When you picture infidelity, divorce, and child custody, what does that image conjure up in your mind? Well, for me, it was a lifetime of chaos, bitterness, disconnection, misplaced anger, rage, unforgiveness, and loneliness to say the very least. And this view is from the live-in bystander. Imagine what the parents and children from the inside must be seeing and feeling? 

These women, with the cooperation of their shared husband/ex-husbands, have managed to work through and communicate and parent effectively through a whole lot of mess. The fact that they are sharing it by way of podcast, social media, and more recently a reality TV show, doesn't bother me at all. Because I think it's time we shine a light on what honesty, transparency, and openness and the addition of God and faith can really do in this mess of a situation. 

After spending (probably too much) time on social media, a lot of people will come away and think everyone's life, kids, vacations, jobs, and overall life experience is "way better" or "so much more fulfilling or exciting" than theirs. This could not be further from the actual truth. If people were to begin sharing how they actually got to where they are in life, that would be a much more relatable, interesting, and real story. One we could all understand and hit the "yes, me too" button. But people don't share those experiences as a rule. It's too raw, too messy, too vulnerable, and quite honestly, some people just celebrate your failures. It makes it even harder to share them. Some people feel even lonelier looking at all the "joy" on social media while their own lives implode away. 

Carry one another's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 

Maybe that's why people give us their highlight reels and not their "real". If we really told people what we were going through, feeling, and thinking, they would probably get wide-eyed and run for the hills! Well, most probably would, and some actually do. But for the ones that stay for the mess and help us shoulder it, it's worth telling the story. When you share your story and how the Lord helped you, you encourage others to do the same. Who can tell you you're wrong about that? It's your story. That is what I respect about these women I have chosen to hear. You can't control what people do with your story. That's on them. If people want to judge what they hear, then they won't learn a thing. 

I find myself not judging these events they describe, but being touched and intrigued, listening and waiting to hear the rest. The way in which they each tell their side of the story has me hopeful and watchful for the way God is working these things out for their good.  I hear their strength coming through their trials, their perseverance, and when they talk about their own mistakes, there are no excuses. They are remorseful, sad, never willing to repeat the things they've done before. This is what it means to turn away from sin and never repeat it again. This is true redemption. My heart hears them loud and clear. 

I'm only at the beginning of the story, and to hear them tell it, it never ends. They are learning something new every day. They don't sugarcoat. They don't make divorce sound fun, and they don't promote doing things the way they've done them at all! But what they are doing is making the best of a situation that they caused, and are not hiding behind their shame or guilt, or worse yet, making their kids pay for their mistakes. 

There are times I catch myself explaining my part in a story instead of taking ownership in it, and I think there is a real difference. Sometimes I need to face my own shame or my own guilt in my part of the story. Maybe I haven't quite been able to express the feelings yet, and that's why it is hard to get there, or I haven't been able to discuss it with the person I feel I need to discuss it with. Whatever the reason, I'm learning from these women. Being open and honest and transparent and being willing to be vulnerable and not ashamed of how you feel is one part in our healing relationships with others. We can't be trying to justify our actions if what others' need is for us to take responsibility for how we've hurt or affected them. 

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. 

Proverbs 11:2 

These women are sharing their innermost feelings and thoughts, and are owning their parts in the mistakes that were made, but also the ways in which they attempted to make things right. The ways in which they forgave and actually took steps to ask the other person how they could do better. So many times we think an apology is "good enough", but I don't think it always is when your heart is still needing more. Sometimes we need to hear the person know why they are sorry. We need them to explain what they did to hurt us so that they understand. We need them to ask for forgiveness whether or not we choose to reconcile the relationship. And as much as I understand that sometimes none of these things happen and we forgive and move on anyway, these women pursued these specific actions with and for each other, and the blessing of healing was tenfold. 

They moved past a whole lot of discomfort and really messy situations in order to make things right with and for one another. Has anyone ever done this for you? Have you done this for anyone else? I can tell you that maybe it takes a lot of courage to reach out and do this, but the healing that results is amazing and the relationship that will emerge could be life-changing. When God gets involved, miracles happen. As these women frequently point out, when God wants a person in your life, He will put them there and keep pointing you to them! I find that both comforting and terrifying. Haha 

To be able to witness the healing within their big blended family is amazing, because I've never seen or heard that kind of positivity, cooperation, forgiveness, or love within one. I have heard these two women- one ex-wife and a current wife become each other's ally and close friend in order to raise positive, healthy, and happy children of a blended family. I have seen husbands on both sides forgive and participate in the health and friendship of both of these women and be productive, positive fathers and role models. How was this possible? Because of the verse above. Each person is making a  conscious choice and effort to be at peace with one another, and so it is. Praise God. 

How many times have we given up on friends and family because the situation felt impossible? Probably dozens of times. Maybe we were willing to be at peace and they were not. I find that to be the case with me more times than not. I feel that I desire to be the mender and the fixer, and it is returned to me empty. Maybe someone would differ with me, I'm not sure. I have laid my heart open bare and had it stomped on, and I've also shared my heart with those who know how to return it. I can tell you with complete surety that growth will happen in one instance and not in the other. Peace needs to be desired on both sides. Sometimes messy is necessary for a new and shiny peace to emerge. 

They end each podcast with "remember, with prayer all things are possible!" When they invited God into their situation, He made their mess into their message and their test into their testimony, as the sometimes overused statement goes. But it's so true. Somehow a couple of sassy women from the South are reaching a sassy upper Midwest woman like me, and I'm sending their message to you, wherever you are. 

It doesn't matter what kind of mess you're in or even if you're not in one at all. We can always choose peace. We can choose forgiveness and we can choose positive behavior, and we can choose love over selfishness. Most of all, we can choose to invite God into our mess and ask Him to help us do the things and say the things that we are having a hard time doing and saying. Maybe it's not a messy divorce and child custody battle that you're in, but it doesn't have to be. Sometimes we're in a battle with ourselves. God will meet us wherever we invite Him in. He will help us open up the messy boxes we've been afraid to open and reveal the shiny peace inside. 

I sought the Lord and He answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him and he delivers them. Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Psalm 34:4-8

Blessings to you!

Carrying Pain

 "It's okay to carry both the desire to want things to change and an acceptance on this side of eternity they won't change. You can carry both. You can honor both. The desire to undo some of what has been done is so very understandable." 

-Charles Stanley sermon 

This past year and a half has been very emotionally challenging for me and I have required a lot of encouragement. Sometimes that encouragement came by way of plastic containers of assorted donut holes, raspberry-lemon Costco muffins, or exactly 6 double stuff Oreos dunked expertly in ice cold milk. The resulting effect was temporary comfort and several extra pounds. By the way, over half of those extra pounds are already gone, and I am very pleased. 

This isn't to imply that certain friends or family weren't effective in offering up encouragement or that I wasn't leaning on God for what was needed at the time or that I don't continue to do so to this day. However, sometimes when things remain the same for too long, such as a pandemic or a chronic health condition, it can seem futile to keep doing the same things to try to "change" them.

 In fact, sometimes those things just keep getting worse no matter how much I pray or "look for the blessings". No matter how "devoted" I have been to doing the "right" things to derail this chronic condition, it seems committed to attacking my entire body and my soul, just as the pandemic raged mercilessly on our world. 

To be real with you, I get really exhausted, and lately, I've found myself in a holding pattern of sorts, where I'm just overwhelmed, undermotivated, and kind of frustrated. Everyone around me is in some kind of pain, and I can't even function with my own before someone else is in crisis. This pain feeds off stress and dysfunction, and boy has it been overfed lately. Sometimes it feels like the movie "Groundhog Day", only I keep waking up to the bad day over and over, and I can't change the outcome. 

Yes, it is okay to both want things to change, and also accept that they probably never will and have to carry both. Honor both? Still thinking on that. How does it look to honor painful change...

I've been asking for my healing and for the healing of others for years. I've seen their healing in some areas and for that, I praise God. I do thank God on the way to my eventual healing, but I give myself room to feel the weight of this too. There are days when I don't want to deal with this anymore, and that is a real feeling a lot of chronic illness warriors feel. I feel that God does meet us in our weakness, and there are days and weeks I don't want to feel strong anymore. It is lonely, days are long, and life is going on without me in it. I think I speak for thousands if not more, who are just trying to get through a day with a positive attitude, while struggling inside. Many with my bladder condition, 40% of them at last check, commit suicide. That is a sobering statistic, and it is quietly stifling those of us who carry this burden. 

If some people in my circle couldn't even accept that others were on ventilators, then how could they ever understand that my bladder feels like I consumed a gallon of vinegar and held it all day long, while going about my day? The contrast of comprehension and lack thereof is sometimes just too far for my mind to reach. People don't understand pain until they feel it or see it for themselves. Those of us with "invisible illnesses" go unseen. Break a leg though, and everyone in the neighborhood goes bananas with casseroles for you. 

Pain seen is pain understood. Pain understood is pain managed. Managed pain can be healed. Unhealed pain is a sure death in one way or another. It will either take your life or your soul. I'm not willing to give up either one. 

By the way, the way my husband helps anyone who wants to understand my condition-"Drink a gallon of vinegar, then don't use the bathroom all day. Go about your daily activities-work, play, exercise, shop, fun, etc... and see how you do. Now do that for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, then go tell my wife what she should do to make herself feel better." That man is my hero.  My example was always to place a sharp rock in your shoe and leave it there all day, but I like his much better.  Sometimes we need to feel  another person's pain before we speak to it or tell someone else how to live in it. Just like grief pain and emotional pain, physical pain requires honoring. 

As part of my own "pain relief" regimen, I have recently completed 25 Bible study plans on my app, and am currently working on 10 more. I listen to 1 pastor on a podcast, 1 on TV, and have several helpful books to read. I have notebooks full of Scriptures and notes, and I pray and chat with God frequently. I take 6 medications for 3 conditions I did not bring on myself, not that it should matter. I have at least a couple of people I can talk to, but anyone could use more. Kinda hard to meet people not only during a time of restrictions (now lifted), but also when your body says, "hey, no, not that". And losing friends during the politicalvirus was great fun. Not. 

My point being, I don't just sit around and wallow in self-pity, but I am very open about pain and the emotions around it because it is the loneliest feeling I've ever experienced, besides thinking the technician forgot me in the MRI tube. If someone else is feeling lonely due to chronic pain, I've got your back. As I said about grief pain, having someone to talk to can help relieve pain. It's no different when your body hurts. 

Today, I'm not wrapping up my post in great Scriptures that tell you that God is there through it all. I will just tell you in my own words that He is. I haven't been "alone" in my pain, and one way God shows up is in the loving response of my husband, who has not once complained about changed plans or an unmade dinner. God provides peace even when I'm at my worst, and I'm still able to find things to be grateful for. Only God could be behind that, because I couldn't do that on my own. 

I know there is a purpose and a plan for me and my suffering, and I know that my faith will get me through all of the trials life will certainly throw at me and you. I don't know why my life has been stalled in this way and sometimes it seems I'll never get going again, but there must be some kind of reason for  this 6 year pause, and my hope is that if I persevere, God will strengthen me and I will help someone else, whether I am healed on this side of heaven or not. 

All throughout the Bible, there is suffering, waiting, and healing, and sometimes there are miracles. I know God loves me, hears me, wants my devotion and my faith, and most of all, he knows exactly what it feels like to have vinegar poured on his wounds and rocks in his shoes more than anyone. For that, I know I already have the One who fully understands and feels my pain. He will carry it with me. 

Blessings. 

A Rich Woman

 My oldest daughter and I were discussing her desire to have a big barbecue at the house this summer, and my dread of entertaining due to the intense amount of work involved. I haven't always looked at parties in this way, but I'm at about flare week 4, and I'm exhausted. I don't remember the last time I left the house, and thinking about standing on my feet, preparing food for anyone, much less mixed company, is a daunting thought. 

Socially, I'm at a zero on a ten scale. I'm already spent before I can even start. I have nothing new to say, and when I'm in pain, I kind of just want to relax and be alone. So, yeah, no parties, please, and save your invites too. If I get a good day, I will most likely spend it trying to play "catch up". By the way, I absolutely hate that this is the way I describe my life. I love people. I miss having friends. I would love fellowship with new people. But just thinking about it is just beyond my physical and mental realm right now. 

Anyway, this led to us having a lively and teasing discussion about "it's my house too", to which I said, "well, do you pay the mortgage?" Her response probably bought her more than she bargained for when she said, "Well, do you?" 

Do I pay the mortgage? What an interesting question coming from an adult child, whose mother made a career out of raising her and taking care of the home. Did I feel a sudden, how-dare-you! coming on? Maybe, but then I looked at it as a supreme opportunity to educate her in the subject of value and worth, and not cold, hard cash.  

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, but beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. 

Proverbs 31: 10-31

As near as I can figure, I have paid mortgages, car payments, taught two students from before preschool to beyond college, counseled children, preteens, teens, and adults, including one adult male. I have done countless loads of laundry, including late night vomit laundry, walked miles in grocery stores, and spent several hours in ERs, Urgent Cares, doctor's offices, waiting rooms, practices, freezing cold track meets, field trips, fifth grade camp weekends with moms who didn't like me, furnished so many meals I couldn't count them if I tried, housed other people's kids and loved them like my own, bussed them to school so they wouldn't have to ride the wheels of iniquity for an extra hour a day, worried and cried, and went without so they could have... and I think you may get the picture, and before you think I think I'm some kind of special martyr mom, I get it. ALL moms do these things! 

I may not be the perfect Proverbs 31 woman as described above, and I made plenty of mistakes along the way. But I know I brought value to my family, and as I used to say, "If I was dead, you'd have to pay someone else for all my services. I'm expensive!" And yes, women, homemakers, wives, and moms are worth their weight in gold. Technically, I'm a very rich woman. And I am grateful to God and to my husband for giving me the opportunity and the freedom to be that woman to my family. 

So no, my cash couldn't "pay" a mortgage. And I get it, young adults are all about how much money they can make in the world, as they are becoming aware of how much things cost. But some women of this generation are all about knowing our worth and value in a world that likes putting a price on success. We want to make sure that the women after us understand their worth outside of what the world defines. We want them to know their value and worth in their homes and families too. 

While I support my daughters' career aspirations, I also hope for them that if being a stay at home mom is what is laid on their hearts to do someday, that it can be made an economic priority for them. As we said in the beginning, we can share one fried egg and cut the hot dogs in half! And believe me, we had some "popcorn for dinner" days! Having lots of things and big toys and taking lots of vacations isn't what defines a "happy and successful" life. Being a loving family who has made a lot of memories together and can actually recall those memories is something very special. So many of our best memories were made in our own little fenced in backyard on Adams street or at the family cottage. 

I am grateful that my husband saw value in having me home with our babies, and also there when he had to take several business trips in the early years of his career. He knew it was more stressful for me, but it took the extra worry from him knowing I was taking care of his girls and our home. It just felt like that's the way things should be. Us taking care of each other, raising our kids together, and we saw the blessings come in every time we thought things were going to get rough. 

Be blessed and thank a Proverbs 31 woman today. And if you're the man behind that woman, thank you for taking good care of her, and respecting her for all she is and what she does. 

Electric Empathy: It's a Powerful Thing

 "When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them." 

Brene Brown, author and speaker

Electricity. What a profound way to describe a conversation between people relating to one another in a way that God is "in it". God is powerful, and can provide amazing "connectivity" that no one else can, if allowed to be a part of our relationships. 

One "electrical God-like" quality I have found to be necessary and crucial for any relationship to succeed, at least in my life, is empathy. It is said and believed that we can't have oneness with people or group unity if we don't have empathy and understanding. 

If you are empathetic toward others, you simply are able to feel what they are feeling, which is great, because that automatically means you are neither a psychopath or a sociopath! It also means you have the ability to love, have compassion, feel tenderness, and you are most likely a polite and hopefully a considerate human being. "Put yourself in my shoes, walk awhile, walk that mile for me, I'll put myself in your shoes, maybe then we'd see...", as Clint Black sings in his old country song. 

I hear a lot about "unity" and how to achieve it as a nation, a country, and sometimes as a government, but I think we can start smaller than that, and in fact, we need to start smaller than that. It starts with one person being willing to understand another person, maybe take a "walk in their shoes". Notice I didn't say "agree". You can attempt to understand (extend compassion or consideration) without ever agreeing. The problem is empathy often doesn't start at home, and people who grow up without God or learning how to "do unto others as you'd have done unto you" won't recognize the need for either one as they grow and develop. But idealistic me wants to believe that no one is a "lost cause", and God can change anyone at anytime in their lives, and being an empathetic person is more valuable than being a reactive one to the kind of chaos certain people deliver. 

I'll bring up my "wayward" friend again, as all of my efforts to communicate effectively failed, but they were valiant efforts, at least in my opinion. I really tried understanding here, and with this person, I wanted to see past the obvious differences that were presenting as "political", and try to see the person I once knew. I wanted to remember who this person was, what the upbringing may have entailed, what kind of situation they were in right at this moment, what kind of relationship skills this person had and how they learned them, what is important to them and why, how this person feels, and why they feel so strongly. In a word, I analyzed, yes. But to me, I empathized. I tried in vain to apply Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. 

What I didn't realize is that our efforts toward unity can be stamped with a permanent black ink stamp that says DENIED. There truly are people who will not return your efforts and will not see it as understanding or compassion, no matter how you present yourself, and at that point, it's fine to go share your love elsewhere! Someone needs it, somewhere. That I can promise you! 

While empathy is not a word found in the Bible, it is what God calls us to do, because He asks us to have compassion on others. He asks us to take that love we feel toward others, see their needs, hear them, be moved with compassion and act on it with service. He knows that our efforts will not always yield a mutual understanding or acceptance. But we have to believe that our efforts are seen by Him, and God knows exactly what it feels like to extend love and compassion and be met with indifference, rejection, and worse.

We do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses. 

Hebrews 4:15 

God knows exactly how I felt and He knows exactly how my friend felt because He experienced it all in human form as Jesus. He also knows how many tears we've cried in sadness and frustration. Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll-are they not in your record? Psalm 56:8  God didn't have to "agree" with either one of us to know how we felt and to extend loving kindness to us. 

He also gives us an empathetic shoulder- 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7 

And when overcome with grief himself at the death of his friend, even knowing He would bring him back to life- Jesus wept. John 11:35

All of these things and so many more are expressions of the love and compassion that God has for us. We don't need to get hung up on the less-than-shiny actions of people so much when we know we can always turn to God for what we need. My friend was rude to me, and probably thought I was out of line too. God would honor both of our hearts. That is the wonderful thing about empathy, and God's is the most divine. 

We are asked to be "like-minded" in Philippians 2:2. Not our minds thinking as one, all agreeing and leading to a worldly unity, but the mind of Christ, and being one in Spirit.  

If any of you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 

Philippians 2:2

I enjoyed a "like-minded" conversation yesterday with my oldest and dearest friend from my childhood. We relate "authentically and humanly", and I'm always inviting God into the conversation! She's open-minded and accepting of me and I don't have to worry that something I say is going to send her running off into the hills and vice versa. It's a wonderful comfort to know that people like her still exist. I have very few people like this in my life, I always say. I can count them on one hand. And the wonderful thing is, we don't have to ever agree on everything in order to love, respect, and accept each other. It is quite a contrast to the troubled friendship I have been discussing here. 

Be blessed friends, and know that empathy is the gas that makes forgiveness run. Extending compassion instead of bitterness and anger helps us to see the person as God does, and allows us to let the offense go. If it takes seventy times, then it takes seventy times. God understands how you feel and will be the most empathetic toward you and also the One who will help you forgive and let go of anything and anyone that is holding your heart hostage. 

Lingering Challenges in a Challenged World

Your perspective will either become your prison or your passport. -Steven Furtick 

 The "dust" is finally beginning to settle in some parts of the world at least, and we are slowly getting back to a semi-normal state of living. Even as hospitals are still seeing cases of Covid and are still leery of calling this pandemic "over", some of us are vaccinated and able to return to a safer sense of being. My family is vaccinated, and there is a sense of freedom in knowing we can gather safely without the threat of endangering one another with a possibly life-threatening or life-altering disease. 

More and more information is being released about the long-term effects of the illness, and we have seen it in people we actually know. We had a death in our family due to Covid this past spring. It is real and we took it seriously.  We do not understand all the hate and vitriol toward our governor and current president and the profane and tasteless signs people put in their yards stating so. It reveals the state of their hearts, I believe, and the condition of a mind that is affected by an angry and polarized media. I have learned that staying off social media altogether has healed my anger and need to lash out, and turning instead to God as my caretaker has led to peace in my heart over what has gone on in our world. 

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

I say these bold things, which shouldn't even be bold, but for the crazy misinformation that was started in the very beginning, because sometimes we don't challenge ourselves informationally. We accept what the news tells us, what someone on Facebook said, just because there is a seemingly valid and  passionate video that appears so real. We accept it as truth, spread it around, and suddenly it's the gospel we follow. I loosely say "we", but you won't catch me sharing anything like this on any type of platform. When my girls would come home from school with some cockamamie story someone told them at school, I would simply tell them the truth and say, that's just a bunch of hooey you were told, and you were right to come and ask me before you said anything to anyone else. And so it is with these so-called videos. They are simply a "bunch of hooey". 

Well, friends, we have a duty. When we hear something, we need to ask ourselves, and we need to go to God. Is that true what we just saw, heard, repeated? It may not be. Just like gossip in an office hallway, we need to stop and consider the damage it does not only to hear it but to repeat it. It should be more than uncomfortable to believe half-truths and spread them as truth. So much of what is being spread today can't even be verified as truth, yet it is so widely accepted as such. This should be unacceptable to all of us. As an old family friend in her 80's would say when she was alive upon hearing "facts" spewed, "Is that so?" Meaning, is this really true, and can you back it up with facts? Because she was a shrewd lady who didn't deal with anything less than truth! 

A former friend shared with me, "I feel like I'm not allowed to express my opinions and thoughts anymore". Well, to give context to that, this friend was not just "expressing opinions", this friend was disparaging and tearing down obese people and people of a different sexuality in a very inhumane way. I draw the line with some things, and when it comes to these types of things and race, I just won't hear it, and I will call them out as gently and as kindly as I can. You are free to believe whatever you want and think whatever you want, but when it hurts another person, I won't be quiet.  I am of the opinion that no person deserves to be mistreated just because they are different than you think they should be. Sadly I felt I had to defend myself as I was defending these other innocent people, because people who defend these types of people are often chastised for doing so. What a backwards world we live in, as God commands us to love one another. 

In this politically charged world we are living in, I do agree that it's hard to not only express yourself, but it's also hard to do the calling out. What this friend didn't understand is that I feel the same way about trying to express my own thoughts and opinions as a Christ follower. I am not the typical conservative Christian, and I am very unlike the evangelical Christians that were plastered all over the media over the last year. But because that's what people were exposed to, hearing "I am a Christian" turned up all of those limited images in people's minds. No, I'm not just like every other Christian, just like you're not like "every other fill in the blank". Each person deserves to speak for themselves and be known for who they are, but very few people stick around to learn who you are before they decide who you are for themselves. It's a fast-paced world, and people judge quickly and harshly. Some days it seems any olive branch we offer is just used for firewood. I have those days. Who am I kidding, I've had that year. 

 People are afraid to say anything anymore, and it's because there is someone stationed at every checkpoint, ready to punish, call out, fire you, or embarrass you for saying something they perceive to be "wrong". We seem to tiptoe around most everyone these days. I miss people like my dad who just seemed to be comfortable to share who he was without fear of rejection. He was who he was, take it or leave it, and he accepted others as they were. He didn't need to be pushy or pompous about it, but he was firm in his convictions. I respect that. What I don't appreciate, and what my friend also said was that they didn't want to be forced to believe what others told them to believe. How is it that we could agree on so many things but this person could not even hear me agreeing? Too busy thinking I didn't. 

 I'm careful on this blog to not say something that may offend a reader! But the truth is, I don't know how anyone takes what I say or perceives what I write, and so I have little control over that, just like my friend had already decided what I thought before I could even say it. Something I frequently said to this friend was "If you don't understand something I've said, please ask me and we can discuss it." But that discussion never happened. People rarely give you a chance to explain, and sometimes they don't answer the questions you ask. It gives little opportunity for an honest discussion or for a real connection to happen. I can speak, but I can't force anyone to hear. I can write, but I can't manage how you interpret the words. That's why it's important to communicate. If you care. 

 I knew I was taking a chance at calling this friend out for the obnoxious things that were said, but if you can't speak truth to a friend, then who can you speak it to? Apparently only a true friend, and one who is open and willing to have a real and honest discussion. Believe me when I say I did approach this with gentleness and kindness even though I was shocked at what was said. I had previously had conversations with this same person years ago about these very things and those exchanges were healthy and of a much different temperature. I was curious to know what changed this person's belief system and why the reaction to it was so inflammatory. I really wanted to talk this out. But conversations can only happen when people are ready. And you can only pass or fail a test if you have the courage to take it. 

Who enjoys having their beliefs challenged? Ummm....probably no one. But to be able to remove the emotion from it and have a conversation is something we should all work to achieve so that we can learn something from each other. Just learning how to listen to someone is a gift. Maybe it feels like a loss, but as with anything that breaks your heart, you always take lessons with you, and I know I learned many. Sometimes the size of your heart is revealed only to you, and the amount of pain it can take will astound you. Your ability to heal and go on and continue to love others will reveal in you the love that God placed there, and the willingness to forgive will eventually heal you completely. None of this will reconcile the relationship, but it will make you strong. 

 The last couple of conversations were sad, disappointing,  destructive, and revealing. Two very close friends who had seemingly known each other so well had suddenly become strangers who couldn't communicate at all. About anything. I offered to listen and to understand, and I also asked to be heard and understood, but none of these things happened. In fact, the opposite was happening, and I was floored and confused. It seemed no matter what I said, it was being met with a cold, distant, nothing response. 

I noticed a lot of that over this past year. If you don't agree with me, we can't be friends. If you don't vote like me, we can't get along. If you're a Christian, you must believe this or agree with that, or we can't get along, If you agree with this organization or you don't support this one, you're the enemy, If you're politically correct or you're not, you're this or that, If you don't believe the same things as me regarding the virus or the vaccine, then we have nothing in common and I can't even ask you how you're doing anymore. There is no love in any of this. 

It's a very perplexing concept and I still can't wrap my head or my heart around it. People are being reduced to labels and belief systems and not being asked how they're feeling anymore. We are becoming an emotionless society in many ways and an overly emotional society in ways that don't even involve the people we love. As my friend Norm explained to me, there is a leviathan spirit at work here, and it's bigger than we are. I felt that within these interactions. A very large, powerful and cold spirit that I can't fight on my own. 

 It made me realize how important it is to have people in my life with very open minds. That I need friends who are unafraid of looking at the world and situations in a way that challenges their own prior beliefs. If I can try to see their side and seek knowledge about why they feel the way they do, then there is no reason why they can't do the same. But if they can't, then maybe it's true that we don't have enough in common. Notice I didn't say "change their minds" or "ask them to think my way".  This friend often thought that my expressions of emotion or opinions were arguments. I asked this person if they'd ever known anyone with passion for anything. Differences of opinions and strong emotions are just that. We are human and being passionate about things is normal. Don't let anyone accuse you of arguing when you are simply stating how you feel or think. 

People have to be willing to see each other as people with hearts. Not just as opinions, thoughts, stances, and hard-earned belief systems. We can't grow as people or into relationships if we don't challenge ourselves to think and see differently and sometimes way outside our own limitations. To be able to say, hey, we don't agree on this subject, and that's okay. I still care about you and we still have so much in common and can enjoy building our relationship in other ways. That's the goal we should be aiming for. Not the one where we are seeking and finding differences to tear us apart. 

We need to be able to challenge ourselves to look beyond our own four walls, our own small minds and see others. If they don't want to be seen or don't appreciate your efforts, that's okay. Let them go and continue on. The friend I've been speaking about, realizing we were having great differences said to me, "I'm guessing you won't be praying for me anymore", making more assumptions that I must be that angry with their choices that I wouldn't pray for them anymore, or maybe challenging me not to because my praying for them was annoying. I simply answered that I would continue to pray for them as long as God asked me to.

 My final response to this friend was humble, defeated, sad, and very much a goodbye. Not because of politics or the strong opinions, but for the lack of respect within the friendship for some time. It received no response at all. What did I really want and need to hear? "Hey, you've been a great friend. I would hate to lose you. What can I do to make things right with you?" Seems simple enough. A friend you pray for is a friend you care for, but if you don't understand faith or have a personal relationship with Christ, you wouldn't understand that. There are some things that only God can teach a person, and I pray my friend's heart is opened to meeting God in a personal way. Not for my sake, but for theirs. 

Getting no response was a loud, but somewhat expected response. Sometimes people are willing to give up family, friends, and even themselves over a cause or a strong belief or opinion or maybe because they simply don't care enough. I pray that God softens their heart, opens their eyes, and humbles them to a healthier way of thinking and feeling. There is no way to replace a person, and many ways to replace your thoughts. It amazes me how willing some people are to fight for a belief but won't fight for a family member or a friend. How strongly they feel about having to wear a mask in a store, but won't fight to resolve a problem with a friend or family member they've had for years. There is a certain kind of jading that has happened and has come over people that has really concerned me, and I'm not sure what will turn this around, but I do know Who has the answers. 

It's a simple lesson, but it's one I used to tell my girls from the time they were little. When someone hurts you, try to see them the way God sees them. In need of love, forgiveness, and healing. I know sometimes it feels like you're always the one doing all the reaching, all the forgiving, and all the empathy, and you need someone to do it for you too. 

All I can say to you is God sees all. He sees the people who you poured into with your pure heart who walked out on you. He saw the people you treated fairly who treated you with disregard. He will pay back trouble to those who troubled you, and He will comfort you. That's a promise. He will validate you and He will take revenge so you don't even have to think about it. He will bring you the people in your life that are meant to be there and they will stay this time. We only need to trust Him and not put our faith in people. Troubles are temporary and His love is forever. Be blessed knowing that your efforts are seen and heard by the One who created you and that's all that matters. 

Of Love and Words

 "But, who is the church? You and I. Jesus doesn't need palaces. Only men need them. The church are those who follow Him. Following Him is something I do every day. We live surrounded by people who are hungry for love. That is what we need to give them." 

Mother Teresa, Her Essential Wisdom 

"Hungry for love". Yes, I believe people are hungry for love. Even those who act like they want no part of it. Especially those. They are starving. 

"Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate, and to humble."

 Yehuda Berg

Words have incredible power, indeed. 

I have a stack of books nearby, and I seem to carry them from room to room. I usually have a pink highlighter handy as well, because when I see a phrase or a quote that strikes me, I want to remember it. I relish in the written words of others. I soak them in, ponder them for days sometimes, years even. When people ask me what book has most impacted my life, I don't have a ready answer, because it's just words. Words impact my life. Words that evoke thoughts, that charge feelings, that spark change. That is what impacts my life. If it comes from a book, then I may keep that book handy. Words from a person, whether positive or negative, will also stick with me for a really long time, and I know the things I have said will also impact someone else. Has this kept me up a night or two? Yes, it has. I have regretted many things I have said in haste or carelessness, in anger, or flippancy. I can remember things I said 40 years ago that I wish I hadn't said! As your mother probably taught you, once the toothpaste is out of the tube...

Because I am a lover of words, it doesn't automatically mean I am a fan of stringing a lot of them together just to fill silence. Sometimes silence speaks volumes, and sometimes silence is necessary and good. The impact of silence can also cause hurt, misunderstandings, and regrets. Knowing when to speak and when to be silent is an art form. When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. Proverbs 10:19 

"Unexpressed love is the greatest cause of our sorrow and regret." 

Leo Buscaglia, Loving Each Other

Think about unexpressed love for a moment. What does that evoke? While some may think of an unrequited love type of situation, I think of people who have passed away that I never got a chance to love a little more. I lost a friend during the pandemic, and I hadn't seen her for a few years. The last exchange I had with her was "I love you" over Messenger. She was afraid she had offended me somehow and wanted my forgiveness. I don't even know what it was about and we didn't discuss it. All we did was exchange "I love you" and that was it. I wish we had talked more and it makes me sad and regretful. The pandemic kept so many of us from reaching out and seeing each other in common places. I fear that so many people are telling this same story. Unexpressed love. The worst feeling. Someone dies and you didn't get the chance to tell them how much they mean to you. 

That stack of books I mentioned? Well, they all have something in common. The word "Love" is in the title. All of them were written with the sole purpose of broadening our understanding of relationships and how to better understand them. In fact, the back of one of them states, "It's up to us to give our relationships a chance. There is nothing greater in life than loving another and being loved in return, for loving is the ultimate of experiences." 

Hmmm...what a concept. "Loving is the ultimate of experiences." I wonder if I polled people, how many people would choose "love" as an ultimate experience? Most people would choose some international trip of a lifetime, or swimming with sharks, who knows? But "loving"? Hmmm. 

But as I sit here, as hungry for love as any other, I believe love is what I would choose. And before you assume I'm speaking of romantic or marital love, love can cover a multitude of relationships! Friendships and family relationships can and do leave us hungry for love and desperate for connections. Those relationships can suffer just as much or even more from a lack of communication or connection, leading to distance or misunderstandings. Saying goodbye to friends or family without them knowing how much you cared about them.  I presently don't know my neighbors, but it sure would be nice to say I know and love them and share with them. Living in the woods makes it difficult to socialize, particularly during a pandemic. We have new neighbors on both sides of us, so my ultimate goal is to wander over and say hello. I hope they are hungry for love. And brownies. 

Another one of my book titles...Love....What life is all about. A simple statement, but it is all about love if you think about it. Without love, we would not exist. We would not have been created. "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us. 1 John 4:8-10. We were literally created by love! How could love not be the ultimate purpose in our existence? 

Love is the reason our hearts explode when toddlers holler out "hi" and smile and wave from shopping carts in the store. (my most favorite thing ever!!) Love is the reason we want to give clothes and food and help to those who need it. Love is the reason we are happy for others, or sad, or whatever emotion they are feeling. Love is why we can meet them where they are, and then lift them to where they need to be. Love isn't always easy, but it's always the most healing answer to any question, the glue to the most broken of bridges, and the balm to the most open of sores. It's the "I love you" with no explanation necessary in your Messenger inbox. 

Words can heal and they can harm, and we get to choose which ones we utter each day. We can take a minute and think about the impact of our words. We can carry them around and either highlight them in pink, or toss them in the trash, never to be heard. Our love and our words can be a powerful force to change the world, even if we start in just one corner at a time in our own little world.

The words of the mouth are deep waters, but the fountain of wisdom is a rushing stream. 

Proverbs 18:4