Life in the Wilderness

 In a desert land he found him, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded him and cared for him; he guarded him as the apple of his eye. 

Deuteronomy 32:10 

At this time last year, word was starting to roll in about the dangers of an oncoming virus. At the same time, my daughter was getting ready to leave the country. Everything in my soul told me she should stay behind, but this was a kid who wouldn't have taken my advice at that time anyway. Within two weeks, we were already in lockdown and travel bans began, stranding her in that country, making it very difficult to get her back home. 

This was only the beginning of what would become the wilderness. 

After some very touch and go situations and failed plans, she eventually did make it home, as I described in a previous blog last year. What we all learned, would learn and are still learning since that time has been head-spinning at times. 

A wilderness is described as a place without form, uninhabited, and uncultivated. I picture the state of Alaska, where several million acres is still untouched by human civilization. Beautiful, breathtaking, yet desolate and wild, a home to only animals. It sounds isolated and scary, but it's just the kind of physical wilderness I am craving after the kind of world we have been experiencing this past year. 

As the virus took on pandemic status and panic took over households and lives, there began a shift in every aspect of living, it seemed. As more information became available, a divide became clear between political parties, which also placed a divide between friendships and family members.  Isolation took the place of socialization. Fear took the place of freedom. Sickness and death took the place of health and living. Watching the death toll and wondering if someone you loved or you would be next was a real concern. Voicing your thoughts or opinions became unpopular, though, because people began fighting over the who, what, and where of the virus, instead of the fact that people were actually dying. 

There was a heavy disappointment in the air as the divide grew, and as our concerns grew deeper, we felt less and less connected to the outside world. Steve was forced to work from home and Natalie was forced to leave college and miss out on graduation. Serena made it home from Peru, but was forced to leave all of her things behind in her dorm room. We were forced to stay home. Forced to accept the reality that was before us, and forced to keep quiet because everyone was so upset all the time. Upset if we were taking it seriously or upset that others were not. Upset because they felt it was a hoax and upset at the government. I withdrew like a child who is tired of hearing her parents fight non-stop. Quite honestly, I was tired of all of the opinions, tired of all the upset, and I just wanted things to be the way they were before. 

Thus, I entered the wilderness. A place where I had never been before. An unchartered territory of wondering what was true, who was right, what was real, and when it would end. Nothing to build on, nothing solid to grasp, and no direction in sight. Just wandering, wondering, and wringing of hands, and silence. And questions, lots of questions, as I would ask God what all this was for, why it was all happening, why it wasn't getting any better, and then more things would just keep happening that would add fuel to the already exploding inferno. 

There were few, if any people to relate to, as I started learning what "side" people were on. The fact that a "side" had to be chosen blew my mind. I chose the side of wanting to solve the problem and it sure felt like I was on a thorny, vine-covered, ankle-grabbing trail nearly by myself. I have never said, "Am I in the twilight zone?" so many times as I have said in this past wilderness year. Nor have I ever kept so many thoughts to myself. As this year changed, so have I and I'm not sure I will return to who I was before. 

Not only did the events surrounding the pandemic affect the world, but they affected every single person's personal being. I think that is lost on many people. I think compassion was forgotten many times.  What was saddest and immensely baffling to me is that it became so intensely important to elevate a single person over all other people that all others were left behind. Families, friends, suffering people, and on and on the list goes. In my world, the only One worth that kind of elevation is God Himself. And I have never missed God more than I have in this past year, and I don't mean in my personal life. I missed seeing Him all around me in this world and in the places and people I saw Him before this happened.

Wilderness. What does that mean to you? Have you felt alone when you've been going through something huge and it just seems like no one understands, sees, or really feels it with you? It's SO big but no one knows it but you? I will tell you this and you can be assured, there is Someone who does see it, gets it, understands, and is walking it with you. The reason you didn't trip over those ankle-grabbing vines is because He was with you on those thorny trails. God will walk where no man can see, where no man can understand, or perceive your pain.  

If God has allowed you to enter the wilderness, then it is because He chose you. He is preparing you for a greater calling. This time has been difficult and quiet, but I have learned and have been transformed by the difficulties around me. This is how we are to grow in Christ. This is how we become able to serve Him and live a life pleasing to God. It doesn't mean this will be any easier to bear, but I know there is a purpose to all of this, and that is what gives me the faith to keep going no matter what is ahead in the trail.