Electric Empathy: It's a Powerful Thing

 "When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them." 

Brene Brown, author and speaker

Electricity. What a profound way to describe a conversation between people relating to one another in a way that God is "in it". God is powerful, and can provide amazing "connectivity" that no one else can, if allowed to be a part of our relationships. 

One "electrical God-like" quality I have found to be necessary and crucial for any relationship to succeed, at least in my life, is empathy. It is said and believed that we can't have oneness with people or group unity if we don't have empathy and understanding. 

If you are empathetic toward others, you simply are able to feel what they are feeling, which is great, because that automatically means you are neither a psychopath or a sociopath! It also means you have the ability to love, have compassion, feel tenderness, and you are most likely a polite and hopefully a considerate human being. "Put yourself in my shoes, walk awhile, walk that mile for me, I'll put myself in your shoes, maybe then we'd see...", as Clint Black sings in his old country song. 

I hear a lot about "unity" and how to achieve it as a nation, a country, and sometimes as a government, but I think we can start smaller than that, and in fact, we need to start smaller than that. It starts with one person being willing to understand another person, maybe take a "walk in their shoes". Notice I didn't say "agree". You can attempt to understand (extend compassion or consideration) without ever agreeing. The problem is empathy often doesn't start at home, and people who grow up without God or learning how to "do unto others as you'd have done unto you" won't recognize the need for either one as they grow and develop. But idealistic me wants to believe that no one is a "lost cause", and God can change anyone at anytime in their lives, and being an empathetic person is more valuable than being a reactive one to the kind of chaos certain people deliver. 

I'll bring up my "wayward" friend again, as all of my efforts to communicate effectively failed, but they were valiant efforts, at least in my opinion. I really tried understanding here, and with this person, I wanted to see past the obvious differences that were presenting as "political", and try to see the person I once knew. I wanted to remember who this person was, what the upbringing may have entailed, what kind of situation they were in right at this moment, what kind of relationship skills this person had and how they learned them, what is important to them and why, how this person feels, and why they feel so strongly. In a word, I analyzed, yes. But to me, I empathized. I tried in vain to apply Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. 

What I didn't realize is that our efforts toward unity can be stamped with a permanent black ink stamp that says DENIED. There truly are people who will not return your efforts and will not see it as understanding or compassion, no matter how you present yourself, and at that point, it's fine to go share your love elsewhere! Someone needs it, somewhere. That I can promise you! 

While empathy is not a word found in the Bible, it is what God calls us to do, because He asks us to have compassion on others. He asks us to take that love we feel toward others, see their needs, hear them, be moved with compassion and act on it with service. He knows that our efforts will not always yield a mutual understanding or acceptance. But we have to believe that our efforts are seen by Him, and God knows exactly what it feels like to extend love and compassion and be met with indifference, rejection, and worse.

We do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses. 

Hebrews 4:15 

God knows exactly how I felt and He knows exactly how my friend felt because He experienced it all in human form as Jesus. He also knows how many tears we've cried in sadness and frustration. Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll-are they not in your record? Psalm 56:8  God didn't have to "agree" with either one of us to know how we felt and to extend loving kindness to us. 

He also gives us an empathetic shoulder- 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7 

And when overcome with grief himself at the death of his friend, even knowing He would bring him back to life- Jesus wept. John 11:35

All of these things and so many more are expressions of the love and compassion that God has for us. We don't need to get hung up on the less-than-shiny actions of people so much when we know we can always turn to God for what we need. My friend was rude to me, and probably thought I was out of line too. God would honor both of our hearts. That is the wonderful thing about empathy, and God's is the most divine. 

We are asked to be "like-minded" in Philippians 2:2. Not our minds thinking as one, all agreeing and leading to a worldly unity, but the mind of Christ, and being one in Spirit.  

If any of you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 

Philippians 2:2

I enjoyed a "like-minded" conversation yesterday with my oldest and dearest friend from my childhood. We relate "authentically and humanly", and I'm always inviting God into the conversation! She's open-minded and accepting of me and I don't have to worry that something I say is going to send her running off into the hills and vice versa. It's a wonderful comfort to know that people like her still exist. I have very few people like this in my life, I always say. I can count them on one hand. And the wonderful thing is, we don't have to ever agree on everything in order to love, respect, and accept each other. It is quite a contrast to the troubled friendship I have been discussing here. 

Be blessed friends, and know that empathy is the gas that makes forgiveness run. Extending compassion instead of bitterness and anger helps us to see the person as God does, and allows us to let the offense go. If it takes seventy times, then it takes seventy times. God understands how you feel and will be the most empathetic toward you and also the One who will help you forgive and let go of anything and anyone that is holding your heart hostage. 

Lingering Challenges in a Challenged World

Your perspective will either become your prison or your passport. -Steven Furtick 

 The "dust" is finally beginning to settle in some parts of the world at least, and we are slowly getting back to a semi-normal state of living. Even as hospitals are still seeing cases of Covid and are still leery of calling this pandemic "over", some of us are vaccinated and able to return to a safer sense of being. My family is vaccinated, and there is a sense of freedom in knowing we can gather safely without the threat of endangering one another with a possibly life-threatening or life-altering disease. 

More and more information is being released about the long-term effects of the illness, and we have seen it in people we actually know. We had a death in our family due to Covid this past spring. It is real and we took it seriously.  We do not understand all the hate and vitriol toward our governor and current president and the profane and tasteless signs people put in their yards stating so. It reveals the state of their hearts, I believe, and the condition of a mind that is affected by an angry and polarized media. I have learned that staying off social media altogether has healed my anger and need to lash out, and turning instead to God as my caretaker has led to peace in my heart over what has gone on in our world. 

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

I say these bold things, which shouldn't even be bold, but for the crazy misinformation that was started in the very beginning, because sometimes we don't challenge ourselves informationally. We accept what the news tells us, what someone on Facebook said, just because there is a seemingly valid and  passionate video that appears so real. We accept it as truth, spread it around, and suddenly it's the gospel we follow. I loosely say "we", but you won't catch me sharing anything like this on any type of platform. When my girls would come home from school with some cockamamie story someone told them at school, I would simply tell them the truth and say, that's just a bunch of hooey you were told, and you were right to come and ask me before you said anything to anyone else. And so it is with these so-called videos. They are simply a "bunch of hooey". 

Well, friends, we have a duty. When we hear something, we need to ask ourselves, and we need to go to God. Is that true what we just saw, heard, repeated? It may not be. Just like gossip in an office hallway, we need to stop and consider the damage it does not only to hear it but to repeat it. It should be more than uncomfortable to believe half-truths and spread them as truth. So much of what is being spread today can't even be verified as truth, yet it is so widely accepted as such. This should be unacceptable to all of us. As an old family friend in her 80's would say when she was alive upon hearing "facts" spewed, "Is that so?" Meaning, is this really true, and can you back it up with facts? Because she was a shrewd lady who didn't deal with anything less than truth! 

A former friend shared with me, "I feel like I'm not allowed to express my opinions and thoughts anymore". Well, to give context to that, this friend was not just "expressing opinions", this friend was disparaging and tearing down obese people and people of a different sexuality in a very inhumane way. I draw the line with some things, and when it comes to these types of things and race, I just won't hear it, and I will call them out as gently and as kindly as I can. You are free to believe whatever you want and think whatever you want, but when it hurts another person, I won't be quiet.  I am of the opinion that no person deserves to be mistreated just because they are different than you think they should be. Sadly I felt I had to defend myself as I was defending these other innocent people, because people who defend these types of people are often chastised for doing so. What a backwards world we live in, as God commands us to love one another. 

In this politically charged world we are living in, I do agree that it's hard to not only express yourself, but it's also hard to do the calling out. What this friend didn't understand is that I feel the same way about trying to express my own thoughts and opinions as a Christ follower. I am not the typical conservative Christian, and I am very unlike the evangelical Christians that were plastered all over the media over the last year. But because that's what people were exposed to, hearing "I am a Christian" turned up all of those limited images in people's minds. No, I'm not just like every other Christian, just like you're not like "every other fill in the blank". Each person deserves to speak for themselves and be known for who they are, but very few people stick around to learn who you are before they decide who you are for themselves. It's a fast-paced world, and people judge quickly and harshly. Some days it seems any olive branch we offer is just used for firewood. I have those days. Who am I kidding, I've had that year. 

 People are afraid to say anything anymore, and it's because there is someone stationed at every checkpoint, ready to punish, call out, fire you, or embarrass you for saying something they perceive to be "wrong". We seem to tiptoe around most everyone these days. I miss people like my dad who just seemed to be comfortable to share who he was without fear of rejection. He was who he was, take it or leave it, and he accepted others as they were. He didn't need to be pushy or pompous about it, but he was firm in his convictions. I respect that. What I don't appreciate, and what my friend also said was that they didn't want to be forced to believe what others told them to believe. How is it that we could agree on so many things but this person could not even hear me agreeing? Too busy thinking I didn't. 

 I'm careful on this blog to not say something that may offend a reader! But the truth is, I don't know how anyone takes what I say or perceives what I write, and so I have little control over that, just like my friend had already decided what I thought before I could even say it. Something I frequently said to this friend was "If you don't understand something I've said, please ask me and we can discuss it." But that discussion never happened. People rarely give you a chance to explain, and sometimes they don't answer the questions you ask. It gives little opportunity for an honest discussion or for a real connection to happen. I can speak, but I can't force anyone to hear. I can write, but I can't manage how you interpret the words. That's why it's important to communicate. If you care. 

 I knew I was taking a chance at calling this friend out for the obnoxious things that were said, but if you can't speak truth to a friend, then who can you speak it to? Apparently only a true friend, and one who is open and willing to have a real and honest discussion. Believe me when I say I did approach this with gentleness and kindness even though I was shocked at what was said. I had previously had conversations with this same person years ago about these very things and those exchanges were healthy and of a much different temperature. I was curious to know what changed this person's belief system and why the reaction to it was so inflammatory. I really wanted to talk this out. But conversations can only happen when people are ready. And you can only pass or fail a test if you have the courage to take it. 

Who enjoys having their beliefs challenged? Ummm....probably no one. But to be able to remove the emotion from it and have a conversation is something we should all work to achieve so that we can learn something from each other. Just learning how to listen to someone is a gift. Maybe it feels like a loss, but as with anything that breaks your heart, you always take lessons with you, and I know I learned many. Sometimes the size of your heart is revealed only to you, and the amount of pain it can take will astound you. Your ability to heal and go on and continue to love others will reveal in you the love that God placed there, and the willingness to forgive will eventually heal you completely. None of this will reconcile the relationship, but it will make you strong. 

 The last couple of conversations were sad, disappointing,  destructive, and revealing. Two very close friends who had seemingly known each other so well had suddenly become strangers who couldn't communicate at all. About anything. I offered to listen and to understand, and I also asked to be heard and understood, but none of these things happened. In fact, the opposite was happening, and I was floored and confused. It seemed no matter what I said, it was being met with a cold, distant, nothing response. 

I noticed a lot of that over this past year. If you don't agree with me, we can't be friends. If you don't vote like me, we can't get along. If you're a Christian, you must believe this or agree with that, or we can't get along, If you agree with this organization or you don't support this one, you're the enemy, If you're politically correct or you're not, you're this or that, If you don't believe the same things as me regarding the virus or the vaccine, then we have nothing in common and I can't even ask you how you're doing anymore. There is no love in any of this. 

It's a very perplexing concept and I still can't wrap my head or my heart around it. People are being reduced to labels and belief systems and not being asked how they're feeling anymore. We are becoming an emotionless society in many ways and an overly emotional society in ways that don't even involve the people we love. As my friend Norm explained to me, there is a leviathan spirit at work here, and it's bigger than we are. I felt that within these interactions. A very large, powerful and cold spirit that I can't fight on my own. 

 It made me realize how important it is to have people in my life with very open minds. That I need friends who are unafraid of looking at the world and situations in a way that challenges their own prior beliefs. If I can try to see their side and seek knowledge about why they feel the way they do, then there is no reason why they can't do the same. But if they can't, then maybe it's true that we don't have enough in common. Notice I didn't say "change their minds" or "ask them to think my way".  This friend often thought that my expressions of emotion or opinions were arguments. I asked this person if they'd ever known anyone with passion for anything. Differences of opinions and strong emotions are just that. We are human and being passionate about things is normal. Don't let anyone accuse you of arguing when you are simply stating how you feel or think. 

People have to be willing to see each other as people with hearts. Not just as opinions, thoughts, stances, and hard-earned belief systems. We can't grow as people or into relationships if we don't challenge ourselves to think and see differently and sometimes way outside our own limitations. To be able to say, hey, we don't agree on this subject, and that's okay. I still care about you and we still have so much in common and can enjoy building our relationship in other ways. That's the goal we should be aiming for. Not the one where we are seeking and finding differences to tear us apart. 

We need to be able to challenge ourselves to look beyond our own four walls, our own small minds and see others. If they don't want to be seen or don't appreciate your efforts, that's okay. Let them go and continue on. The friend I've been speaking about, realizing we were having great differences said to me, "I'm guessing you won't be praying for me anymore", making more assumptions that I must be that angry with their choices that I wouldn't pray for them anymore, or maybe challenging me not to because my praying for them was annoying. I simply answered that I would continue to pray for them as long as God asked me to.

 My final response to this friend was humble, defeated, sad, and very much a goodbye. Not because of politics or the strong opinions, but for the lack of respect within the friendship for some time. It received no response at all. What did I really want and need to hear? "Hey, you've been a great friend. I would hate to lose you. What can I do to make things right with you?" Seems simple enough. A friend you pray for is a friend you care for, but if you don't understand faith or have a personal relationship with Christ, you wouldn't understand that. There are some things that only God can teach a person, and I pray my friend's heart is opened to meeting God in a personal way. Not for my sake, but for theirs. 

Getting no response was a loud, but somewhat expected response. Sometimes people are willing to give up family, friends, and even themselves over a cause or a strong belief or opinion or maybe because they simply don't care enough. I pray that God softens their heart, opens their eyes, and humbles them to a healthier way of thinking and feeling. There is no way to replace a person, and many ways to replace your thoughts. It amazes me how willing some people are to fight for a belief but won't fight for a family member or a friend. How strongly they feel about having to wear a mask in a store, but won't fight to resolve a problem with a friend or family member they've had for years. There is a certain kind of jading that has happened and has come over people that has really concerned me, and I'm not sure what will turn this around, but I do know Who has the answers. 

It's a simple lesson, but it's one I used to tell my girls from the time they were little. When someone hurts you, try to see them the way God sees them. In need of love, forgiveness, and healing. I know sometimes it feels like you're always the one doing all the reaching, all the forgiving, and all the empathy, and you need someone to do it for you too. 

All I can say to you is God sees all. He sees the people who you poured into with your pure heart who walked out on you. He saw the people you treated fairly who treated you with disregard. He will pay back trouble to those who troubled you, and He will comfort you. That's a promise. He will validate you and He will take revenge so you don't even have to think about it. He will bring you the people in your life that are meant to be there and they will stay this time. We only need to trust Him and not put our faith in people. Troubles are temporary and His love is forever. Be blessed knowing that your efforts are seen and heard by the One who created you and that's all that matters. 

Of Love and Words

 "But, who is the church? You and I. Jesus doesn't need palaces. Only men need them. The church are those who follow Him. Following Him is something I do every day. We live surrounded by people who are hungry for love. That is what we need to give them." 

Mother Teresa, Her Essential Wisdom 

"Hungry for love". Yes, I believe people are hungry for love. Even those who act like they want no part of it. Especially those. They are starving. 

"Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate, and to humble."

 Yehuda Berg

Words have incredible power, indeed. 

I have a stack of books nearby, and I seem to carry them from room to room. I usually have a pink highlighter handy as well, because when I see a phrase or a quote that strikes me, I want to remember it. I relish in the written words of others. I soak them in, ponder them for days sometimes, years even. When people ask me what book has most impacted my life, I don't have a ready answer, because it's just words. Words impact my life. Words that evoke thoughts, that charge feelings, that spark change. That is what impacts my life. If it comes from a book, then I may keep that book handy. Words from a person, whether positive or negative, will also stick with me for a really long time, and I know the things I have said will also impact someone else. Has this kept me up a night or two? Yes, it has. I have regretted many things I have said in haste or carelessness, in anger, or flippancy. I can remember things I said 40 years ago that I wish I hadn't said! As your mother probably taught you, once the toothpaste is out of the tube...

Because I am a lover of words, it doesn't automatically mean I am a fan of stringing a lot of them together just to fill silence. Sometimes silence speaks volumes, and sometimes silence is necessary and good. The impact of silence can also cause hurt, misunderstandings, and regrets. Knowing when to speak and when to be silent is an art form. When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. Proverbs 10:19 

"Unexpressed love is the greatest cause of our sorrow and regret." 

Leo Buscaglia, Loving Each Other

Think about unexpressed love for a moment. What does that evoke? While some may think of an unrequited love type of situation, I think of people who have passed away that I never got a chance to love a little more. I lost a friend during the pandemic, and I hadn't seen her for a few years. The last exchange I had with her was "I love you" over Messenger. She was afraid she had offended me somehow and wanted my forgiveness. I don't even know what it was about and we didn't discuss it. All we did was exchange "I love you" and that was it. I wish we had talked more and it makes me sad and regretful. The pandemic kept so many of us from reaching out and seeing each other in common places. I fear that so many people are telling this same story. Unexpressed love. The worst feeling. Someone dies and you didn't get the chance to tell them how much they mean to you. 

That stack of books I mentioned? Well, they all have something in common. The word "Love" is in the title. All of them were written with the sole purpose of broadening our understanding of relationships and how to better understand them. In fact, the back of one of them states, "It's up to us to give our relationships a chance. There is nothing greater in life than loving another and being loved in return, for loving is the ultimate of experiences." 

Hmmm...what a concept. "Loving is the ultimate of experiences." I wonder if I polled people, how many people would choose "love" as an ultimate experience? Most people would choose some international trip of a lifetime, or swimming with sharks, who knows? But "loving"? Hmmm. 

But as I sit here, as hungry for love as any other, I believe love is what I would choose. And before you assume I'm speaking of romantic or marital love, love can cover a multitude of relationships! Friendships and family relationships can and do leave us hungry for love and desperate for connections. Those relationships can suffer just as much or even more from a lack of communication or connection, leading to distance or misunderstandings. Saying goodbye to friends or family without them knowing how much you cared about them.  I presently don't know my neighbors, but it sure would be nice to say I know and love them and share with them. Living in the woods makes it difficult to socialize, particularly during a pandemic. We have new neighbors on both sides of us, so my ultimate goal is to wander over and say hello. I hope they are hungry for love. And brownies. 

Another one of my book titles...Love....What life is all about. A simple statement, but it is all about love if you think about it. Without love, we would not exist. We would not have been created. "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us. 1 John 4:8-10. We were literally created by love! How could love not be the ultimate purpose in our existence? 

Love is the reason our hearts explode when toddlers holler out "hi" and smile and wave from shopping carts in the store. (my most favorite thing ever!!) Love is the reason we want to give clothes and food and help to those who need it. Love is the reason we are happy for others, or sad, or whatever emotion they are feeling. Love is why we can meet them where they are, and then lift them to where they need to be. Love isn't always easy, but it's always the most healing answer to any question, the glue to the most broken of bridges, and the balm to the most open of sores. It's the "I love you" with no explanation necessary in your Messenger inbox. 

Words can heal and they can harm, and we get to choose which ones we utter each day. We can take a minute and think about the impact of our words. We can carry them around and either highlight them in pink, or toss them in the trash, never to be heard. Our love and our words can be a powerful force to change the world, even if we start in just one corner at a time in our own little world.

The words of the mouth are deep waters, but the fountain of wisdom is a rushing stream. 

Proverbs 18:4