Falling Apart

 Apparently I couldn't end the year without another health issue, which begins another relationship with an "ist". One thing I hate about chronic illness is one condition seems to weaken the system and cause something else to break, or in this case, literally fall apart. Bonnie Tyler sang it, "every now and then I fall apart"....yep. That's me. Singing while I collapse! 

I am quite literally, falling apart, and trying to avoid surgeries.  I'm falling apart from the inside out in many ways, and rather than give in to this seemingly uncontrollable nightmare, I am putting on my warrior attire for this battle. I'm ready to give this battle a swift kick in the buns before it beats me.  

I met with two health care specialists in the last two weeks. One of them has blown me away with her knowledge, sensitive approach to not only my physical care, but also to my mental state as we navigate this new problem. The other, having little to no knowledge about my existing condition, actually aggravated the condition and threw me into a horrible, painful flare which has just started to subside after 3 days.  I'm not liking her too much these days. 

Having dealt with chronic illness for several years, I have learned many things about many different types of people, and not all of them have impressed me. Some people come into your life to help you, some will hurt you, some will leave you, some will make the situation better, and some you are better off without! While this is true about any person, it is very important for a person facing illness of any kind. We must be diligent with surrounding ourselves with people who are considerate, kind, careful, supportive, empathetic, helpful, prayerful, and non-judgmental. All others need not be present as I am falling apart, thank you. If you can't help pick up pieces, please go hang out with healthy people. 

My new physical therapist has been amazing. Apparently every new physical therapist must undergo training in order to understand the mind-body connection with pain. Of course we health-challenged people understand this because we live it every day. We have good days and bad days, physical and mental. My flare and subsequent mood gave her an opportunity to show me firsthand how this applied to me on the day the doctor carelessly made my pain worse. 

She pulled out her education material and showed me how a person deals with physical pain and the cycle of healing. She then showed what happens when we don't heal properly; how the pain threshhold actually goes down.  The graphic happened to be a person who stepped on a nail. The person who heals well will go on just fine and the pain level goes down and eventually disappears. But a person whose pain is not healed will eventually continue to be hurt over and over by something as simple as a feather. So my exam may have been painful, but her lack of compassion added a level of pain that caused my body to overreact and throw me into another flare. We think we have a high pain tolerance, but our emotional pain tolerance is becoming lower and lower, and our body is following suit. 

When my therapist brought this to my attention, I felt like crying. I felt heard and understood. Did my flare immediately stop? No. But knowing that someone understood that it was important for my pain to be respected meant so much to me. In some cases, there is a great deal of emotional pain added to physical pain. This does not mean that those of us suffering from physical conditions are hypochondriacal, or suffering from psychosomatic illnesses. It is not our "fault" that we are sick and it doesn't help to hear that from anyone. Anyone dealing with long-term illness has probably crossed that bridge to emotional pain. We are human, after all. Chronically ill people, particularly females, are told ad nauseum, that our pain isn't real, and that it's "all in our heads", particularly pain people cannot see with their baby blues and greens. Sir or madam, please stop or we will be forced to run you over with our invisible wheelchairs.  

 Chronically ill people have enough to deal with, and we are not all the same, so please be very careful how you talk to anyone. Everyone has something they are trying to deal with, live with, and carry. Your words and how you deliver them could make all the difference. Choose well. Choose love, gentleness, and kindness. If you can't help, then please don't hurt, and if you are a praying type of person, tell them this: I am praying for you! If you can see or think where bad habits might be causing their pain, pray that God helps them to see it and help to heal it. Don't be the nosy nelly that tells them to "get out more and you'll feel better". Trust me, they won't do either with that empty advice.  Chances are, they developed those bad habits to cope with pain and "well-meaning people". It's a vicious little cycle, chronic pain. If you wouldn't dream of telling someone in a wheel chair to get up and walk, then stop yourself from telling someone with chronic illness not to be depressed or in pain all the time. 

What motivated me to get in control of my pain was to understand how that pain is manifesting itself in my body, and what parts of the body are working against me and why. I am kind of a nerd and I love science. I am guessing many of you (all 5 of you, including the Bots) had no idea of this! So, I love knowing WHY about anything! Once I understood what my nerves and muscles were doing and how they were fighting me, I said, "um, excuse me madam, but that is MY domain, and you need to QUIET DOWN while I run the show my way!" 

I am now even more motivated to change my habits, my approach, and my outlook and plan in order to hopefully change my outcome of this new issue. One of those changes is adding a long-term illness therapist into my health regime. I need someone to talk to who can really speak to the kinds of emotions I feel and give me the coping skills and tools that will help me release some of these feelings that are making me sicker inside and probably outside too.

 It is perfectly okay and sometimes necessary to seek help outside of family and friends, and sometimes family and friends will be relieved when we do! There are just some things they are not equipped to handle, and we should never expect anyone to know how to deal with everything we go through all the time. It can be a lot for a family member to love a chronically ill person! I know I either feel I'm burdening someone too much or keeping too much inside, and that's a good indicator that it might be time to seek a professional counselor.  

I will also address that the most important part of my healing is also trusting God for that healing. I don't believe illness comes from God, but sometimes illness is allowed so that a purpose I may not understand right now can be fulfilled through me. While I can beg God to tell me why have I dealt with health issues since I was 19, I am okay with not knowing the answer, because all throughout my life, I have been blessed despite my terrible health. I really have! I have a huge list of beautiful blessings even with all this yucky health stuff! 

I have learned that sometimes God heals immediately, as we've seen all throughout the Bible. Sometimes healing takes many years. Sometimes healing comes in the form of our heavenly arrival, and we won't know why until we need to know. All of these things have one thing in common, and that is our faith. 

It has not been easy to trust in God's timing for my healing. I have gone through all the "stuff"-being angry, feeling forgotten, thinking I must have done something to deserve this, wondering why me (self-pity is its own disease!), to being very depressed and not wanting to be here, to then feeling this is my purpose, to now feeling like I have a purpose in my HEALING and not my sickness! My purpose is to heal and focus on living healed. Picturing what that looks like and feels like. 

See, God wants us focused on HIM and the healing, and I know it's hard to do that when you're hurting, curled up in a fetal position, in tears, watching the world go by without you in it. Wondering if your life can be full while you can't participate fully in it. I've felt them all, thought them all, and I've arrived at this. God has a purpose for me, falling apart or completely whole. He loves me and wants the best for me, even though I look in the mirror and say every day, "what the heck is going on with this body?" I look to God and He says, "I will get you through this day with MY strength. Lean on Me and My body." 

We live by faith and not by sight. He goes before me. These are the promises I stand by. I will be healed and you will be healed. In your faith, you will be healed. Blessings to you!