Choices

 "Faith is like a radar that sees through the fog." Corrie Ten Boom

It may seem a little strange to certain people on the "outside" of the glass looking in, that I could continue to thank the Lord, and endorse His promises, even while I spend most every day in pain, and things don't look very promising for me. But something that has never wavered in my walk with God has been my faith.  Through it all, it has become apparent that I have a choice. I can choose to be bitter or I can choose to see my blessings. No matter what anyone else says or does, I always have a choice to remain in whatever choice I made. Blessed or bitter. I choose "blessed", and it's not always as easy as it sounds. No matter what the sign over my kitchen sink says. 

Right behind my house there is one of many trails. On one side of the trail there are many rows of pines with lifeless gray branches. You have to look up to see the life in the trees, as they are competing for the sun to survive.  On the other side of the trail there are new and sprouting pine trees, vines, ferns, and tall grasses. During the summer and fall, the sun illuminates the green side, making it a beautiful quiet spot to visit. It is a slightly different ecosystem, with the addition of frogs in the spring, and with the large oaks and maples surrounding, it feels almost parklike in my little spot. I can either focus on the brightness and life on the green side, or I can turn my chair and focus on the shadows and grayness on the other side. The choice is always up to me. When I drive down that trail, it always brings this bible verse to my mind:  

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. Deuteronomy 30:19 

I choose God, and I choose life. I choose healing and the bright side. 

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.  Romans 8:28 NLT 

 Because I love him, and because He loves me and gave me a purpose, this will all work out for my good. I don't know how, and quite honestly, if I wrote down the obvious facts, it would look pretty negative at times. Enter faith, and that's why I need it. However, I can thank Him for the many blessings around me-my family, friends who are more like family, my sweet little dog, living in this amazing haven of nature, and so many more. I'm still here, and I'm still a giggly goofball most of the time, and God has allowed me that strength and determination, my humor and spirit to get me through these challenging days. 

Being grateful for what I've been given through these challenges has helped me grow my faith. It is really hard to be depressed and negative or even angry at God when I am grateful for all He has given. Along the way, I can see where God has had a hand in sending me a friend, a doctor, and the type of husband and lifestyle I would need to get me through this. Would I choose an easier life if I could? Sure, but who wouldn't?

For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

Just believing and having faith in God has not stopped my physical pain, and even while praying for relief, I sometimes don't get the relief I desperately need. It doesn't work that way, exactly. But I think of the ways my pain has changed the people around me, and maybe those prayers are being answered in different ways. Who I have around me are compassionate, sensitive people who know how to reach out and love others anyway, but especially those who suffer from chronic pain or illnesses. 

By caring for me, they serve God, and they really get it when it comes to seeing the pain in others. That is exponential in these hurting times! We must know how to see another person's pain and meet it with love and compassion or we are doomed. When I hear my daughter speak understanding of her friend's chronic condition, and the way she really tries to learn about her condition so she can be more helpful to her, it just makes me even prouder to be her mom.  When my family helps me or simply listens and understands, or they see my reliance on God, it helps them to see God more clearly too. Pain can be used well if it is received in this way. 

 When my Physical therapist says I must do the hard things now and think about my long term health, not my short term discomforts, I think of all the times I ask God to take this pain away right now, because I just can't bear the waiting any longer. What good is this pain doing, God? What do you want me to do with this? Faith definitely requires that I trust the things I can't see yet, and believe even when the evidence looks grim. Sometimes pain relief takes a little longer than my human body can handle, but sometimes I wake up and say, "hey, I don't have much pain today! Let's dance!" We must do the things that don't always feel good right now in order to get the long term results. There has been a real shortage of that in the world and it shows. Pain teaches patience with ourselves and with others. We could all use a little lesson in pain. 

Choosing to believe that this pain must have a purpose has also given me the ability to see the good in situations that I didn't initially understand or accept at first. When I found that another condition had appeared, I became afraid and I panicked a bit. When I learned that my former specialist had retired, I thought, "What am I gonna do without her??" There were no openings, and they were saying they couldn't get me in for months, maybe a year, and I was just lost. But then, a cancellation, several openings, and within 2 weeks I met with a new specialist who has basically turned everything around even more than the last one!

 If I had never gotten this condition, I wouldn't know what I do now, and I would still be suffering with other symptoms. This new and upsetting condition has led to finding some relief for my relentless pain of the other condition. Now, that is to be acknowledged! Thank you Lord! Sure, I have a new problem, but I also have a new solution. It's all in how I choose to see it.  God worked it all out for my good, even when I started to lose hope and question everything. He wanted me to trust Him first, not after all was worked out. That is when faith is truly "seeing through the fog", and I know I have a ways to go.  Sometimes I am still Peter, "walking on my water"- writing down all my healing scriptures, listening to my podcasts and sermons, feeling all "faithed up"- then a wave comes along, and there I am, gulping down the water, crying out for help. I can take my eyes off God sometimes, and I always wish I hadn't! 

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18  

Just because I'm a Christ follower and I am grateful and blessed and all those great things you read on plaques in gift shops, it doesn't mean I have it all figured out or that I have a sugar coating on my life. I've heard many things by being in "support groups", and believe me, about 90% of what I read was anything but supportive. Sometimes when a person tries to be positive about pain, they are accused of being unrealistic. But I can be both positive AND realistic when I walk through pain with the Lord. 

That's the difference. In the case of pain, "positive" doesn't have to equal "good". It just means there may be something good coming from it at some point, and to not discount the possibility. It doesn't discount giving compassion and love at the point of pain either. It doesn't dismiss anyone's pain. But understanding that we can still thrive with pain and not stay angry or depressed while under the influence of pain can be our superpower. To me, that takes trust, faith, and belief in God. I could not survive this illness and the roller coaster that is is sometimes without Him. If I allow it, this suffering will reveal a glory (value, worth that results in praise) that isn't even worth comparing to the pain I went through to get it. That's pretty amazing, I think. This is how I stay hopeful. This is how I hold on. 

I am truly blessed that I don't have it worse than I already do. There are far worse things that could happen to me, and I have so many blessings and so many good people around me, that I really can't complain too much at all. One of the coping strategies my specialist recommended was writing, and writing does help me to hammer out many of the conflicting emotions and problems of chronic illness. What I am learning is that when I get out of my own way, I am able to see God's hand moving in my life, and using this illness to mold me into who I asked Him to make me-the woman He created me to be. Maybe I will get there in pieces, but I will finish there healed.