I Met God in the Elevator

 I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34:4-8 

I remember fondly my mom's friend, Judy. I'm sure I've mentioned her here before, as she was a great influence on me  from my late teens into my 20's. She was a very wise and classy lady in her 80's, intelligent, well-spoken, bold, but diplomatic with her words. As a somewhat carefree girl in my 20's, Judy would often gently answer my provocative statements with, "Is that so?", leading me to ask myself, "Is that really true what I just said?...hmm...maybe I should think about it some more." She was a client at the office I worked at, and would sometimes leave articles on my desk about tanning beds, or other activities she felt I was involving myself in without careful thought. Because I respected Judy and knew her to be a woman I aspired to be like, I took her words in good faith and was not intimidated or angered by her correction or enlightenment. She also cared about me, and saw something in me that I didn't see. On my high school graduation, she gave me a key chain that was inscribed, "Destined for Greatness". I still have it. I wish I would have appreciated her insight more back then, but like many young people, I didn't know the gem she really was or what I had to learn.  I think I look back at my pre 20-something self, and I think how amazing it was that I was at least receptive and open to the kinds of things she was offering. At that age, I was still pretty insecure and sometimes hid it well with self-righteousness! But something in me was always wanting better, and always seeking to know more.

It was in my late teen years that my insecurities would lead me to meet the Lord. I'll get to that in a minute. I think sometimes people criticize others for "not knowing Christ," at least I was in high school by a friend who liked to thump the bible at me but would never invite me to her fun youth group! We want to point out flaws of those who aren't doing things "right" by our own standards, but never really try to understand what could possibly be causing them to do what they do. We are so quick to point fingers, but not quick enough to give compassion or understanding. Hey, wait a minute...maybe there's a story here we don't know, and it's not our place to judge. That's a good place to start. The other part is that we all have stories and we are all flawed, and we all have issues, seen and unseen. 

I knew about God, but didn't grow up in the Lord, having been an Easter Sunday Catholic for much of my childhood. I never really understood what Easter meant for a really long time. I remember reading "the weeping and the gnashing of teeth" in the Bible, when I was little and I was terrified! I went to my mom and she said something along the lines of ," Well, that's in hell, and you don't want to end up there", but I don't recall having long drawn-out discussions in our home about God when I was a child. We often had church on the TV on Sunday mornings, and I would go get the Bible I received at the Vacation Bible School I had attended at a local church that past summer (on my bike!). I would follow along and write in the margins (I still have that Bible!). I think it may have been Robert Schuller on the TV, and it was the Bible I got at the local Wesleyan Church. I remember wiping out on my purple banana bike while trying to ride home carrying the Bible with one hand, and wondering if I was going to get in trouble with God for dropping the Bible in the dirt. Oh my goodness! Both of my parents were believers, but having been hurt by his "religion", my dad was reluctant to go back. That is a story in itself, and one I don't feel informed enough to tell. The end of that story, however, is that my dad found "relationship" many years later, and would pass away, having known the Lord in a whole new personal way. (in quotations to express the difference only, not to offend)

All through my life, I had the presence of the Lord. When I pushed my arm through the glass door while running from my sister as a child, and our neighbor had to drive me to emergency, her daughter prayed for me in the back seat. I never forgot that. I also never forgot being envious of her "getting" to go to church camp every summer. I kind of wanted to go too. I loved the sound of church bells, and because the school was right next to a church (the one we attended at Easter), I would close my eyes to hear them better. They are gone now, and the church is closed. My husband recently informed me that his dad was the one who used to tend to those bells. Yes, it was their church too. When the Catechism kids would line up at the school to walk over to the church, I kind of wanted to go with them, although my parents were not pursuing the religion with me like they had my siblings. I had the thirst for the Lord even then. We would go to weddings and each time I would step into a church, I would have the instant feeling that I was going to cry. I would ask people, "what does this mean? I feel like crying every time I step into a church?" No one could answer me until years later when I asked it again, and a pastor's wife said, "It's the Spirit of God, in you." It gave me chills. I would then learn what my baptism actually meant. It was earth-shattering! 

I know this is a rambling post today, but bear with me because the point is simple and it's important. I didn't meet the Lord because someone beat me over the head with a holy bible, corrected my wayward behavior, made me go to church camp, took me to catechism, or went to church every Sunday. Those things can help others get to know the Lord and what He did, but when I said "relationship", I said it because you can't force a relationship with anyone. Not even God! And God won't force Himself on anyone. 

God was pursuing me in ways that He knew would stir my heart, but He never forced me to Him. As a child of God that He created for His purpose, He loved me enough to let me do things MY WAY, but He loved me enough to keep urging me to come to HIM over and over. And if you are a parent, you get that, don't you? Sometimes we have kids who are a little insecure, a little self-righteous, etc...remember that teenager I described in the beginning? Whew, only God could handle her sometimes! 

I endured my first "devastating" breakup as a teenager, and I was ill-equipped to handle the loss. I was insecure, had very little self-esteem, and had no inner strength in which to draw on to help me stand. I took the hit really hard and personally, and it took a really long time to process and recover. I remember one time feeling particularly down and lost, and I was driving home from the town he lived in. I was in tears, and I couldn't see the road, but I didn't care. Suddenly I poured my heart out to God, out loud. Something I had never done before! I told him all the things that hurt and what I wanted Him to do. (I didn't know the procedure just yet) All I wanted was "to be loved and not hurt anymore". And that was fair, wasn't it? Isn't that what we all still want as adults? It's what God wants for us our whole lives, even when bad things are going on. Spoiler alert: He answered that prayer that I didn't know I prayed.  

My life didn't immediately get "better" at that point, but His presence was even more palpable and I began seeing more evidence that He was with me all along. I started to form my own relationship with God that felt "different" from the ones I was hearing about. No, I don't have a "spiritual birthday" or a special story about when I was saved. I don't have any of that. God took me on a journey with slow steps, teaching me to trust Him along the way, and by doing that, He showed me that a relationship with Him is solid, secure, safe, and real. He knew that this was going to be the way I needed to meet Him. This is why we don't "knock" someone for "not knowing the Lord" or whatever. Someone else's journey in not only not our business, it can be very different than ours because we are all very different people needing very different things. And no one knows you better than God, so consider that to be the most tailor-made relationship you will ever have. 

I am not ashamed that my family didn't attend church and do all the "things" that church people were doing, even though I envied them, because at different times in their lives, my family has come to know the Lord in their own ways. I got to watch my husband meet the Lord, then my parents, and then my sister, remembering that these are people who knew religion, but not relationship, and they are two very different things. Once you understand that you can have a personal relationship with God and invite Him into every area of your life, that's when your life will change, and I have been able to experience and witness it all. I feel like I kind of met God in the elevator and we've continued to meet in stairwells. Never knock the way you start a journey with God! 

I sought the Lord, and he answered me. 

Unspoken Burdens

 I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalms 34:4-5

Over the past several weeks, I have been engaged in my physical therapy treatment with my new therapist, Bonnie, and she is helping to turn things around for me. I don't use the word "outstanding" to describe very many people, but she has earned it, let me tell you. I am a whole bag of fun when it comes to treatments, as my body won't tolerate certain things, such as anything with electrical stimulation due to my epilepsy, certain medications due to allergy, and on and on. It's kind of annoying, as I am one of those people who would just like to not have any medications, no restrictive conditions, and just be healthy, and run off into the sunset. Wouldn't we all? Some days, I just want to be my carefree self and forget it all. Being chronically ill is hard, and healing is hard. It all takes effort. Being healthy and "normal" is taken for granted. I can see that now. 

When Bonnie and I get into our fun conversations about music or dancing in our kitchens, our kids, books, or whatever topic we may fall into, I do tend to forget why I'm even there! I feel like a "healthy" person for just a little while, having a talk with a friend, and I realize just how much I miss that feeling. Laughter, having things in common, and seeing another person's eyes light up when you talk about something interesting. (Masks are required, and we haven't actually seen the bottom part of each other's faces!) I used to joke about "all my friend's names end in -ist, as in "-ologist" or "apist", because I spent more time there than anywhere else, and we always get to know each other very well! It serves as a reminder that my social life due to chronic illness has suffered for a very long time. And then Covid sure hasn't  helped, but that's not today's focus. 

The positive news is that I have experienced more pain-free days! In fact, I had a very "normal" day on Sunday. What is normal? Well, I was able to go visit my sister 30 minutes away, stand in the cold for several minutes, get back in the car, drive around, sit in a park and enjoy lunch with a drink, drive around some more, and then go home. A total of around 2-1/2 hours without pain or having to use a bathroom! For me, that is a miracle. For most others, that's a normal day!

I have attributed the improvement to some supplements (D-Mannose for bladder, for one)Bonnie recommended, the new exercises I have started, and of course, I never discount the prayers that are being lifted up for me daily. But there is a part of me that is frustrated with this healing as well. A couple of parts, actually. One of them is the reason I had to seek emergency physical therapy in the first place. 

Just as I am starting to experience a sort of remission, I am restricted even more, as I was diagnosed with another condition called pelvic organ prolapse. This is the mystery condition I have been referring to, and have been reluctant to name, as I am a fairly private person, and it is a hard thing for me to share with people I know, let alone strangers. And even as I share, I find myself still putting up boundaries, because some things we go through in life are personal and not to be shared with everyone. Some people don't honor the struggles we face, some may mock them, some could make them worse. It's a risk to share our hearts, our lives, and our struggles, because we open ourselves up to people who might not care enough to understand. But in the end, it's not about them understanding anyway. And it's really not about us.

When I discovered this problem, I was home alone in the evening, and it terrified me. Where did I turn? The good ole internet! And I found blog after blog of everyday women willing to share their experiences and treatments without shame or embarrassment. I have gone through a lot of things in my life in fear, wondering if anyone else has ever felt this or gone through that, looking around at the people in my life, and they were silent. I was grateful for the strangers who shared their struggles, even if some of them scared the bejeebers out of me! So why shouldn't I do the same?

Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 

People we know talk about head colds and hair cuts, but not about the things that keep us up at night. Somehow, we go through the toughest things alone, wondering if anyone else has ever experienced it. These are the "unspoken" prayer requests. The ones that are too personal, too private, and too "something" for anyone else to share. And that's why we sometimes don't get the support and the help we need when we need it. There is nothing shameful about what has happened to me, and yet I was afraid to share it here. Like I said, I am a fairly private person. I don't like telling anyone anything unless I know and trust them. But this is different. 

God is helping me to be courageous. He is helping me to be brave. He is lending me His peace and His strength.  He has asked me to walk in the rough part of the trail so I can get strong. All of these things help me to become who He made me to be to serve Him, not just to serve myself. If I don't share my struggles, it becomes harder for me to share what God is doing or has done in my life. He has allowed me to be a fairly private, quiet, reserved person, but when I need to, I can open up and share.  Only God can help a person do that. And God created the other side of me too. The one you see when you've gotten to know the real me. 

I can do all things through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13 (my life verse!)

It was hard for me to talk about this condition with the people closest to me, because it is quite personal, and so is the treatment and the hopeful healing. But I need the support of the people who invest in me, just like the person who may come across this post, looking for hope. God helps us by providing us with the right people to help us along in our struggles, but we have to be willing to share the trouble and let them help. 

I got frustrated because just as I was about to feel better, I am now restricted to not being able to walk for very long distances, not lifting, and experiencing new pain and discomfort, and having to wonder if I will have to undergo surgery in the near future if this therapy is unsuccessful. I don't know how long I will be going to therapy, but it is a long road so far. I am annoyed that I couldn't just enjoy feeling well and able for even just a little while! Why? I don't know, but it's going to lead to something better. It has to. Many of the things we go through in life have unanswered questions. This is no different, but having a health issue adds a whole different complication to things when it doesn't just affect you. I'm frustrated for the people in my life who have been waiting a really long time to get my whole self back too. 

For now I am just doing what I need to do to get healthy and strong, staying focused, and continuing to look for God's hand in all of this. I am thankful that he brought me a Christian physical therapist who vacillates from goofy to deep like me, and I know I am blessed to be where I am, because it could all be so much worse. That is never far from my mind. I do get it! No one needs to remind me! I am beyond blessed that the rest of my body is a force to be reckoned with! Well, most of it, don't challenge me to a thumb war just yet. 

Yes, I can get frustrated, but I am also way more grateful because I know it's going to lead somewhere for my benefit and I am going to give God all the credit along the way. It's going to be good, but it's going to take time. In due time, I will be lifted up! (1 Peter 5:6) I will be dancing without a care in the sunbeams in my kitchen before I know it. 

But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its rays. And you will go out and frolic like well-fed calves. Malachi 4:2