Unspoken Burdens

 I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalms 34:4-5

Over the past several weeks, I have been engaged in my physical therapy treatment with my new therapist, Bonnie, and she is helping to turn things around for me. I don't use the word "outstanding" to describe very many people, but she has earned it, let me tell you. I am a whole bag of fun when it comes to treatments, as my body won't tolerate certain things, such as anything with electrical stimulation due to my epilepsy, certain medications due to allergy, and on and on. It's kind of annoying, as I am one of those people who would just like to not have any medications, no restrictive conditions, and just be healthy, and run off into the sunset. Wouldn't we all? Some days, I just want to be my carefree self and forget it all. Being chronically ill is hard, and healing is hard. It all takes effort. Being healthy and "normal" is taken for granted. I can see that now. 

When Bonnie and I get into our fun conversations about music or dancing in our kitchens, our kids, books, or whatever topic we may fall into, I do tend to forget why I'm even there! I feel like a "healthy" person for just a little while, having a talk with a friend, and I realize just how much I miss that feeling. Laughter, having things in common, and seeing another person's eyes light up when you talk about something interesting. (Masks are required, and we haven't actually seen the bottom part of each other's faces!) I used to joke about "all my friend's names end in -ist, as in "-ologist" or "apist", because I spent more time there than anywhere else, and we always get to know each other very well! It serves as a reminder that my social life due to chronic illness has suffered for a very long time. And then Covid sure hasn't  helped, but that's not today's focus. 

The positive news is that I have experienced more pain-free days! In fact, I had a very "normal" day on Sunday. What is normal? Well, I was able to go visit my sister 30 minutes away, stand in the cold for several minutes, get back in the car, drive around, sit in a park and enjoy lunch with a drink, drive around some more, and then go home. A total of around 2-1/2 hours without pain or having to use a bathroom! For me, that is a miracle. For most others, that's a normal day!

I have attributed the improvement to some supplements (D-Mannose for bladder, for one)Bonnie recommended, the new exercises I have started, and of course, I never discount the prayers that are being lifted up for me daily. But there is a part of me that is frustrated with this healing as well. A couple of parts, actually. One of them is the reason I had to seek emergency physical therapy in the first place. 

Just as I am starting to experience a sort of remission, I am restricted even more, as I was diagnosed with another condition called pelvic organ prolapse. This is the mystery condition I have been referring to, and have been reluctant to name, as I am a fairly private person, and it is a hard thing for me to share with people I know, let alone strangers. And even as I share, I find myself still putting up boundaries, because some things we go through in life are personal and not to be shared with everyone. Some people don't honor the struggles we face, some may mock them, some could make them worse. It's a risk to share our hearts, our lives, and our struggles, because we open ourselves up to people who might not care enough to understand. But in the end, it's not about them understanding anyway. And it's really not about us.

When I discovered this problem, I was home alone in the evening, and it terrified me. Where did I turn? The good ole internet! And I found blog after blog of everyday women willing to share their experiences and treatments without shame or embarrassment. I have gone through a lot of things in my life in fear, wondering if anyone else has ever felt this or gone through that, looking around at the people in my life, and they were silent. I was grateful for the strangers who shared their struggles, even if some of them scared the bejeebers out of me! So why shouldn't I do the same?

Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 

People we know talk about head colds and hair cuts, but not about the things that keep us up at night. Somehow, we go through the toughest things alone, wondering if anyone else has ever experienced it. These are the "unspoken" prayer requests. The ones that are too personal, too private, and too "something" for anyone else to share. And that's why we sometimes don't get the support and the help we need when we need it. There is nothing shameful about what has happened to me, and yet I was afraid to share it here. Like I said, I am a fairly private person. I don't like telling anyone anything unless I know and trust them. But this is different. 

God is helping me to be courageous. He is helping me to be brave. He is lending me His peace and His strength.  He has asked me to walk in the rough part of the trail so I can get strong. All of these things help me to become who He made me to be to serve Him, not just to serve myself. If I don't share my struggles, it becomes harder for me to share what God is doing or has done in my life. He has allowed me to be a fairly private, quiet, reserved person, but when I need to, I can open up and share.  Only God can help a person do that. And God created the other side of me too. The one you see when you've gotten to know the real me. 

I can do all things through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13 (my life verse!)

It was hard for me to talk about this condition with the people closest to me, because it is quite personal, and so is the treatment and the hopeful healing. But I need the support of the people who invest in me, just like the person who may come across this post, looking for hope. God helps us by providing us with the right people to help us along in our struggles, but we have to be willing to share the trouble and let them help. 

I got frustrated because just as I was about to feel better, I am now restricted to not being able to walk for very long distances, not lifting, and experiencing new pain and discomfort, and having to wonder if I will have to undergo surgery in the near future if this therapy is unsuccessful. I don't know how long I will be going to therapy, but it is a long road so far. I am annoyed that I couldn't just enjoy feeling well and able for even just a little while! Why? I don't know, but it's going to lead to something better. It has to. Many of the things we go through in life have unanswered questions. This is no different, but having a health issue adds a whole different complication to things when it doesn't just affect you. I'm frustrated for the people in my life who have been waiting a really long time to get my whole self back too. 

For now I am just doing what I need to do to get healthy and strong, staying focused, and continuing to look for God's hand in all of this. I am thankful that he brought me a Christian physical therapist who vacillates from goofy to deep like me, and I know I am blessed to be where I am, because it could all be so much worse. That is never far from my mind. I do get it! No one needs to remind me! I am beyond blessed that the rest of my body is a force to be reckoned with! Well, most of it, don't challenge me to a thumb war just yet. 

Yes, I can get frustrated, but I am also way more grateful because I know it's going to lead somewhere for my benefit and I am going to give God all the credit along the way. It's going to be good, but it's going to take time. In due time, I will be lifted up! (1 Peter 5:6) I will be dancing without a care in the sunbeams in my kitchen before I know it. 

But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its rays. And you will go out and frolic like well-fed calves. Malachi 4:2