Peace: It's All About Us (In Three Parts!)

 We have lost sight of the fact that we human beings are, in one respect, like small animals without even any fur or sharp teeth to protect us. What protects us is not our viciousness, but our humanity; our ability to love others and accept the love that others want to offer us. It is not our toughness that keeps us warm at night, but our tenderness which makes others want to keep us warm. 

Harold Lyon, Tenderness is Strength

PART ONE: It's Not All About Us

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Philippians 4:5

In a world where war, civil disputes, serious crime, and conflicts are constant and inevitable, we are surrounded by viciousness, violence, and hate.  Because of instant technology, we have access to violence and anger updates 24/7 on our phones, in our homes, and at our jobs. If someone famous, or anyone really, makes a terrible gaffe at 9am, the entire world will know about it by noon the same day.  We are inundated with bad news and gossip if we allow ourselves to engage. And even if we try not to, someone will most likely inform us of something we don't even care to know. My husband was pumping gas and was subject to a man's ranting about gas prices and whose fault it really was! Not eager to have a negative discussion with a complete stranger, and thankful for the loud trucks drowning out his complaints, he simply nodded and carried on. We don't have to engage in every discussion we are invited to, remembering some people just want to vent. (Remember this for later on)

This is what the Lord Almighty said: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor. Do not plot evil against each other.' Zechariah 7:9-10 

Jesus was the example of true justice, mercy, and compassion. He put us above His own interests, and we weren't exactly the examples of great friends and family when He did that for us. He gave all of his life so that we could have any life of our own at all, let alone any of those rights, privileges, and ambitions we are always squawking on about. We complain about all the negativity in the world, but don't even realize that we are becoming the bullhorn and billboard for it as we repeat it over and over. We sometimes get so stuck on ourselves and our own selfish ways that we forget the state of others altogether. We forget to ask someone how they are doing before we dump a load of garbage on them. We forget to consider that not everyone sees something the same way we do, and therefore may not respond in the same way, and get annoyed at them. We get tunnel vision easily when we are all about ourselves and our own interests. Not only do we forget others, but we forget God too. 

Once we take our eyes away from ourselves, from our interests, from our own rights, privileges, ambitions-then they will become clear to see Jesus around us. Mother Teresa

2020 was a time when mob mentality became stronger for some than family and friendship ties. When people began to bond over hating the same things, instead of loving the same thing. It's never a true connection to just jump in a group of strangers and hate on something together, though people who don't have something more solid to hold onto may find it's the best connection they've ever had. If we are in Christ together and being who He says we are, then we would not be hating at all, but finding our way back to each other in a way that glorifies Him. If we love Him and if we love each other. When you begin to put your own interests above the people you say you love, you no longer consider that person. They become collateral damage in your quest to prove something that is clearly more important to you than them. 

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind and love your neighbor as yourself. Luke 10:27 

 That is not just a command, but also an individual decision that we each need to make in order to have true and meaningful relationships with others, and common respect among strangers. (Yes, I just referred to love as a decision, because it is) Anything else we may forge will eventually break and be floating on the surface. If we are not rooted in Christ, we will be uprooted at the first signs of a storm. This is how my friendships were tested in 2020. One would survive, and one would not. God was in one, but not the other. 

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3,4 

 PART TWO: The Silent Goodbye 

My decades-long friendship went off the rails after a few exchanges that finally resulted in a complete derailment and fire. Looking back, I would have engaged much differently, however, at the time I allowed my emotions, ego, and pride to do as they pleased. All of those things, when combined with those of another, will never result in a positive conversation or resolution of any kind. And God was not invited to the conversation. Big mistake. At that point, it was two people speaking into the wind, going in opposite tornadic directions. I couldn't blame the other person for choosing not to respond to me ever again. What I was hoping to accomplish was one thing, but my wounded self said another. 

I've done similar things with friends in the past. I haven't always had the best relationship skills. I didn't always know the Lord. I was defensive, insecure, wore my heart on my sleeve, and was very prideful. My wounded ego caused me to be hurt easily, so even if told the truth, I wouldn't probably take it well. How can I fault someone for reacting the exact same way I have done in the past? I used to be like hugging a porcupine. I used to be hiding behind a huge brick wall that I built around myself.  I used to be smiling with my arms folded to keep everyone out and then cry when they left. I get being protective of yourself and fighting hard for the things you believe. Until I met God and let Him guide and love that wild part of me.  So, yeah. I should have been the one to know better how to speak, respond, and let things go, but the old me let her wounds talk instead because I was speaking out of sheer hurt and rejection and a mixture of anger and disappointment. The new me also knows that when God allows someone to walk out the door without even looking back after a decades long relationship, maybe He was holding the door, and He also holds the key should there ever be a knock. 

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12 

We weren't actually fighting about political sides, masks, the government, or any other hot-button pandemic issue. I cared about my friend regardless of their position on any of those things. We were fighting against the very things that were put there in order to cause division among us all. They were angry and fearful and so was I, but about completely opposite things, and I no longer recognized my friend as someone I even knew, and that was the element I was fighting. I was fighting someone I could no longer find a common ground with, and it scared me. They no longer saw my decades of trust, my acceptance, my respect, or any of the good they once believed in. They saw me as an adversary, and there was nothing I could say or do to change that. That was so confusing to me, and God does not bring confusion into relationships. That comes from an evil place. 

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18 

 I eventually re-approached the situation in the softest way I could with this person, and I have not and probably will not hear back. It is impossible to resolve issues with those who close off from you entirely. Something that has been fiercely difficult for me to learn through this experience is that no matter how much we want explanations or closure in a situation, we are not always owed that, and even if we think we are, we may not always have the benefit of that. We have to just pick up and move on. This is one of those situations where grace steps in and allows me to put the band-aid on the blister and wait for it to heal, understanding that others will not always be involved in helping us heal the wounds they may have salted. We may not be 100% responsible for the rub, but we are responsible for our healing. Part of that healing is being willing to forgive myself for my part, forgive the other person, and ask God to work out the rest. We should always desire to be at peace with everyone with whom we interact. This is how we show the light of Christ. 

The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:4

We can trust God for healthy friendships and for positive interactions. We can ask Him to guide our conversations with outsiders. It has been a difficult season of engaging with others. This experience served me well only in that it shed light on the fact that gentleness is not only a better way to approach others, but it is necessary. In a time when people aren't agreeing about some very hot topic items, we need to be aware that our words can not only offend, but they can also heal. Even though I am sad about the broken friendship, I realize that in trusting God for my relationships, there is a purpose for every bad experience we go through with people too. I didn't intend to hurt my friend, and they didn't intend to hurt me. But what is done with that hurt will be in the growing of our character and how we conduct ourselves going forward with others. It is imperative to have a friend you can trust, and someone that can not only speak truth into your life, but someone who also allows you to speak truth into theirs. I thought I had that with this person, but some very fundamental things were missing. 

 

PART THREE: Be The Light 

My dear friend Norm (www.sirnorm.com) became my dear friend because he cut through my garbage and told me the truth. He told me the truth because he cared about me and the state of my life and hoped/knew that I would receive it.  In accepting that wisdom and accountability, the friendship grew, and so did my knowledge of myself and God. (I'd like to think!) . It can be intimidating if you allow your pride to hear that wisdom speaking into your life and you're still wanting to hold on to your own ways of thinking and doing things. But it can be very freeing to listen and put new action into place when someone who is succeeding in life wants to help you succeed too. It is a rare find to have a friend who tells you the truth these days, or to be allowed to speak truth to someone. We have to humble ourselves if we ever want to grow and become better, and honestly, to become closer to people. I thank God that Norm listens to the Lord and relays His word to me. That is how I can trust Norm's wise guidance. If we want to help our friends, we should be praying for them. As Norm puts it, our friendship holds up to God's scrutiny because God is also in the friendship. Perhaps this is the ultimate reason we need to pursue godly friendships. My friend was not open to a friendship with God, and when push came to shove, the traits of a godly friendship were not there to save our crumbling relationship. My advice to any who may be going through a friendship trial is to do as I've been doing, pray for that person. It's really a very loving thing to do for anyone. 

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24

It won't be our viciousness in how we fight for things, our hills we die on, our stubbornness and firmly planted feet, that will show how much we believe in a thing or love a person. It will be our gentleness, our tenderness, and our willingness to be humble and soft at at time when it would be easier to be ferocious and self-righteous. We need to understand that "keeping the peace" doesn't mean being quiet. It means knowing when to speak and with the wisdom you've attained from God, how to speak it with love. To allow a person to be who they are, while still loving them enough to confront a negative behavior because you actually care about their peace and well-being too. And if you get pushback, to be able to leave your pride at the door and let the results rest with God. That's the peace we can all have when we let God be the light in us. 

You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:14-16