Life is Good

 I was not one of those little girls who dressed up like a bride or played "wedding" with my Barbies. In fact, I kind of ditched the Barbies, and was that little girl getting her knees dirty and taking off on her bike. But that's neither here nor there... I may not have ever envisioned myself as a bride, but I always treasured my baby dolls, and could always picture myself as a mother. From the time I was very little, that's all I wanted for my birthdays and Christmas-baby dolls. I would give them baths, put real powder on them, put them in little outfits, and swaddle them in blankets. For my eighth birthday, I got a little carriage, and I can remember pushing my dolls up and down the sidewalk, the little mother that I was becoming. 

I wouldn't become a real mom until I was married for a few years, and then Natalie came along when I was 28. I had decided to quit my full time job to stay home and take care of her. Soon, I was bathing, powdering, swaddling, and pushing my own little one down the sidewalk in a stroller-her little feet kicking out of the bottom, reminding me that she was very much real, and I was her mother. 

We would welcome Serena into our family 22 months later, and she completed our little family. Our world revolved around those little girls. These children, that through the grace of God we created, would be our family. And our future. We would look at them sometimes and think, "what are they going to be like at this age, or that age...", and we just couldn't picture it. It always seemed so far off. It always seemed like they'd be babies, toddlers, then school age, then teenagers forever, until one day, they weren't. They went to bed babies one night, and then woke up toddlers, and on and on the process went, until the moment we find ourselves in today: An empty, empty nest. 

All I can say is that when you're enjoying time, it goes by really fast. When you're not, it drags on and on. Having our girls under our roof went by at lightning speed. We used to complain about having so many places to go in a week, and running them all over the place, but secretly, we enjoyed every moment of it. Being a parent is something that gave me purpose, and has helped me reach a depth of love in me that I didn't know was possible. Bearing a child, raising a child, and then having to let them go out into the world...yeah, it's bittersweet. Knowing when to hold on tight and when to let go, I'm not sure we ever really get the hang of that as Mamas. Sometimes we hold on in our hearts while our hands let go, because our kids need us to let them go. And eventually, seeing them go and be happy helps us settle our feathers and fly on too. After all, it's our job to teach them to fly, not keep them under our wing too long. 

It's something we've spent their whole childhoods preparing them for, but not one minute preparing ourselves for. We set them on the proverbial edge of the nest and pushed gently as they walked up to the college dorm room, and then cried our hearts out as we walked away. And then again and again, as more life events present themselves. So joyful for the newfound freedom and experiences they are living, and proud of their growth, but knowing that it leads to more distance for the parent birds, and wondering what to do with that space. I still pull out too many plates at dinner sometimes, and want to buy their favorite foods. 

I've spent my life raising my girls, and healing from chronic illness at the same time. I know what it means to adjust, struggle, restart, wait, and trust. Right when I decided I was going to attempt to go back to work, I was afflicted with an illness that took many months to regulate. Looking back over the years I have spent at home, raising my kids and being here while my husband traveled extensively for work, this was my purpose, and it served me well throughout my healing times.  All of the struggles I faced have prepared me for what I hope to be a new phase in my life of just being available for my family. I have wisdom to share, time, cooking skills, love and encouragement, and my lap will never be too small for those girls to curl up in! 

My husband and I thought about an "Empty Nest Bucket List", but all we've had so far is a lot of broken appliance situations, and maybe these are the distractions we needed to keep us from crying. HA! We all went up north for Labor Day, and the toilet quit working with 8 of us up there. Um, Sir, how dare you...Got home, and my washer started making this hellacious grinding noise when it was supposed to be spinning (hellooo 4 loads of cottage laundry...whaaaat). My vacuum died, need I go on? These are just the surface issues going on that I'm willing to discuss. Life is full of fun sometimes, isn't it? 

I described myself as a menopausal volcano the other day. Can anyone relate? I'm doing random shopping trips for fall decor for stress relief. I am watching lots of YouTube. Life is good, people. Life is good. 

Just Be Yourself?

 

From the time we are little, someone is always telling us, "Just be yourself!" No one ever completes that statement with, "and some people still won't like you! You will never fit into everyone's idea of who they want you to be, so yes, "be yourself," because who else would you be if not the unique person God created you to be? I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14 But it can be challenging to encounter people, even friends and family with whom we withhold our true selves, because we're afraid if we are "ourselves," they will run for the hills. Well, they might, and some do.  It's a risk we take in order to be genuinely the people we know we are inside, but it's not easy to disappoint people, lose relationships, and sometimes have to reap those consequences.

It's always a good idea to be who we truly are, but it's not always easy. It's also not always easy to convey who we truly are, because the world (including people we know) loves to slap labels on us like a USDA ham. Oh, you're a Christian, you say? You must do this, think this, believe this, voted for this, and for sure, you're going to force all this on me too, because that's what people like you do!  Or, Oh, you're a Christian, you say? You must be a radical to think that way. You're probably judging everything I say and do, aren't you? For sure you think you're better than me!  And on and on all the stereotypes go, until you can't even say hello without hearing what they thought of your inflection. Sometimes I use a good ole fashion, "Yello" just for kicks.  I could say I have brown hair, and people would argue with me. That's okay, because some days, I don't even recognize this color either. Carry on, hecklers. It's true, there's nothing we can do about stereotypes, except agree to stop submitting to them ourselves. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

My personal pet peeve is having many chronic illnesses, and knowing people judge us so harshly without ever knowing our personal stories and struggles. The fact is, people are going to judge us and still talk about us, whether they have all the facts or not, and there's nothing we can do about it. Social media has also made it even easier to treat people horribly without ever even meeting them in person. So if strangers hate us without even knowing us, how much more hurtful is it when the people who know us or claim to know us, treat us in kind? 

How is it that we have people surrounding us in our lives that are supposed to be friends and family, but we can't have honest conversations with them for fear of negative consequences or abandonment? I observed a conversation on television recently and I was blown away by the fact that it was a rather difficult and honest conversation between two people who didn't know each other well, but they were able to continue a productive conversation. There were some hurtful words exchanged. I know some people that if I had said those very words, they would not only be angry with me, but they would get up, walk away and keep on walking. In fact, I've experienced it. And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. John 8:32 Why can't people care enough to stick around and have difficult, but necessary conversations? Maybe they have a fear of not only hearing what you have to say, but fearing their own response. They would rather sacrifice the relationship than hunker down and figure it out, because they don't want to be honest with themselves or you. It is said that "People who can't communicate think everything is an argument", and I think there is truth to that too. I would much rather have uncomfortable, but open and honest words with you than not have a relationship, if it meant working out a problem that would help us understand each other better. There is freedom in having an open and honest, truthful conversation, even if it's not easy.  

Just be yourself. Well, who is that anyway? It is me, without the labels of the world, for one thing. And it is you, without all the titles that are imposed on you by the world. So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27 God created us in His image, and while I can't even begin to fathom that picture, I know it didn't include all the mess we call ourselves and each other sometimes. It didn't involve judging each other to the point of ridiculousness. It sure doesn't mean living in fear of sharing who we really are, and if we did that instead of holding up our shields of protection, maybe our relationships would become more genuine too. We shouldn't have to be afraid that telling a friend of 30+ years one thing about ourselves would end the whole friendship, but yet we do, because it happens. And if we keep doing it, we might find ourselves alone, and yes, that happens too. But one thing to remember is that if we open up to people and they choose to cut and run, it is their fear that makes them go, and not our honesty. Keep choosing to be yourself no matter the consequences.  I believe that honesty attracts honesty, and God will slide the right people into our paths who will give us the relationships that honor our heart's desires. 

"Be yourself. People don't have to like you, and you don't have to care."