Life is Good

 I was not one of those little girls who dressed up like a bride or played "wedding" with my Barbies. In fact, I kind of ditched the Barbies, and was that little girl getting her knees dirty and taking off on her bike. But that's neither here nor there... I may not have ever envisioned myself as a bride, but I always treasured my baby dolls, and could always picture myself as a mother. From the time I was very little, that's all I wanted for my birthdays and Christmas-baby dolls. I would give them baths, put real powder on them, put them in little outfits, and swaddle them in blankets. For my eighth birthday, I got a little carriage, and I can remember pushing my dolls up and down the sidewalk, the little mother that I was becoming. 

I wouldn't become a real mom until I was married for a few years, and then Natalie came along when I was 28. I had decided to quit my full time job to stay home and take care of her. Soon, I was bathing, powdering, swaddling, and pushing my own little one down the sidewalk in a stroller-her little feet kicking out of the bottom, reminding me that she was very much real, and I was her mother. 

We would welcome Serena into our family 22 months later, and she completed our little family. Our world revolved around those little girls. These children, that through the grace of God we created, would be our family. And our future. We would look at them sometimes and think, "what are they going to be like at this age, or that age...", and we just couldn't picture it. It always seemed so far off. It always seemed like they'd be babies, toddlers, then school age, then teenagers forever, until one day, they weren't. They went to bed babies one night, and then woke up toddlers, and on and on the process went, until the moment we find ourselves in today: An empty, empty nest. 

All I can say is that when you're enjoying time, it goes by really fast. When you're not, it drags on and on. Having our girls under our roof went by at lightning speed. We used to complain about having so many places to go in a week, and running them all over the place, but secretly, we enjoyed every moment of it. Being a parent is something that gave me purpose, and has helped me reach a depth of love in me that I didn't know was possible. Bearing a child, raising a child, and then having to let them go out into the world...yeah, it's bittersweet. Knowing when to hold on tight and when to let go, I'm not sure we ever really get the hang of that as Mamas. Sometimes we hold on in our hearts while our hands let go, because our kids need us to let them go. And eventually, seeing them go and be happy helps us settle our feathers and fly on too. After all, it's our job to teach them to fly, not keep them under our wing too long. 

It's something we've spent their whole childhoods preparing them for, but not one minute preparing ourselves for. We set them on the proverbial edge of the nest and pushed gently as they walked up to the college dorm room, and then cried our hearts out as we walked away. And then again and again, as more life events present themselves. So joyful for the newfound freedom and experiences they are living, and proud of their growth, but knowing that it leads to more distance for the parent birds, and wondering what to do with that space. I still pull out too many plates at dinner sometimes, and want to buy their favorite foods. 

I've spent my life raising my girls, and healing from chronic illness at the same time. I know what it means to adjust, struggle, restart, wait, and trust. Right when I decided I was going to attempt to go back to work, I was afflicted with an illness that took many months to regulate. Looking back over the years I have spent at home, raising my kids and being here while my husband traveled extensively for work, this was my purpose, and it served me well throughout my healing times.  All of the struggles I faced have prepared me for what I hope to be a new phase in my life of just being available for my family. I have wisdom to share, time, cooking skills, love and encouragement, and my lap will never be too small for those girls to curl up in! 

My husband and I thought about an "Empty Nest Bucket List", but all we've had so far is a lot of broken appliance situations, and maybe these are the distractions we needed to keep us from crying. HA! We all went up north for Labor Day, and the toilet quit working with 8 of us up there. Um, Sir, how dare you...Got home, and my washer started making this hellacious grinding noise when it was supposed to be spinning (hellooo 4 loads of cottage laundry...whaaaat). My vacuum died, need I go on? These are just the surface issues going on that I'm willing to discuss. Life is full of fun sometimes, isn't it? 

I described myself as a menopausal volcano the other day. Can anyone relate? I'm doing random shopping trips for fall decor for stress relief. I am watching lots of YouTube. Life is good, people. Life is good.