A Groovy Kind of Love

 "The colors of the rainbow- so pretty in the sky, are also on the faces of people going by. I see friends shaking hands, saying how do you do, they're really saying, I love you.." Louis Armstrong, "What a Wonderful World" 

It's almost Valentine's Day, and whether or not you believe in or even care about celebrating the upcoming so-called "Hallmark holiday" or not, I believe in celebrating love every day, and if I could, I would eat chocolate every day too! I'm a real sucker for all things love! I want it all-real life love stories about people finding each other after years of separation, sappy movies about love, poetry, and my personal favorite, songs about love!  Lest we all forget my penchant for finding hearts. Yes, that is still a thing! At the center of all things love is the One who made love possible in us at all-God. We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19

As the title of one of Leo Buscaglia's books in my collection says, Love-What Life is All About. A sign in my home says, "Love makes everything better." And yet there are so many deterrents to love. So many enemies of love. So many obstacles between people, between us and God, us and the ones close to us. Love isn't just a fuzzy feeling on Valentine's Day. It requires action above any words, grand gestures, candy and flowers. It often requires suffering and selflessness, and doing a lot of things we don't want to do or think we can do. For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16 Suffering, selflessness, giving. Actions, sometimes with no words necessary at all. Just a demonstration that shows we care and we aren't giving up on the people we say we love. Consistent, persistent love. I think of parental love when I think of this type of love. Many times we think our kids aren't hearing us, and maybe they aren't, but they can see us, and they can certainly know our love by our actions. 

"Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending." Segaki 

If we've decided to be one of those risk-takers who love people, because if we're honest, that's what love is- a risk. We risk losing (sharing, giving)a part of ourselves every time we love. So if we decide to love, we also decide to take whatever comes with it, even if that means heartache. Isn't that kind of what love means? Giving a part of your heart away? Handing a part of yourself over and trusting someone else with it? You can't really have one without the other, can you? You can't really love someone without trusting them with your heart. If you're not willing to take that risk, you're really risking so much more than a heartbreak. You're risking never knowing what it's like to be loved or to love with a person like that. 

We were together. I forget the rest. -Walt Whitman

The beauty of love is that even when there is heartache, we find that if we allow ourselves to be tenderized by that pain, we will grow into a more deeply loving person. If we become embittered by heartache, we will become more cold and less tolerant of the pain of others, and less compassionate to the needs around us. We will become complacent, and hardened to the love others try to give us. So is loving worth it even if it hurts in the end? Yes. That will always be the answer. Because the love we give is always worth it to someone else, even if they don't know it yet. The message is always worth sending!  Loving is rarely going to be about what we receive, but about our impact on someone else. If we think about love in this way, we can take heartache and let it heal us instead of tear us down. Love one another. As I have loved you. John 13:34

On the more surface side of love, there are movies and music that move us, and let me tell you, this girl is mooooooved by some of this oopy goopy stuff! I have my list of favorite movies, and anyone who claims to know me well will know this-I will learn the composers, tear apart the soundtrack and go down a rabbit hole of all other songs by that composer. (Hans Zimmer, David Foster, James Newton Howard, to name a few) I breathe all the famous lines. I go completely limp at the love scenes where he knows that she knows that they know and oh, my goodness....you know??? (places hand over heart and sighs) I'm just a girl... sitting in front of my computer screen...just hoping you know. (Notting Hill '99) 

And the music! Should I even go there... because I don't know when to stop when I get started with music. Jim Croce said it in a song, "I'll Have To Say I Love You in a Song." 'Cause every time I tried to tell you, the words just came out wrong, so I'll have to say I love you..in a song'. Thank God for music to say the things some of us can't say to each other or to Him! "Where words fail, music speaks." 

Music was a constant presence in my home since I can remember. My parents were either playing records, singing around the house, or my brothers were playing music or guitars upstairs. As I grew older, I developed a passion for loud music and a love for nearly all genres of music, and that remains to this day!  I know, this post is probably rotting your molars and mushing your brain right about now, but bear with me. I was, in fact, the 15 year old girl staring out the window on a rainy night, listening to Foreigner belt out, "I wanna know what love is...." because I in fact, wanted to know what love was...and it was as foreign to me as the band name!  I'm still in love with love, because no matter what type it is, it changes things for the better. Just ask my dog, who is attached to me 24/7, and she will agree. (after she viciously growls at you for daring to come near her queen, of course LOL) To her, love is protection! HaHa To have a dog, my friends, ahhhh, now THAT is a groovy kind of love! Unconditional love at its best! 

My daughter is starting a music club with her sister and me this week, and it will expose me to some of her chosen artists. I love learning about new artists, and I look forward to listening and discussing her picks each month. For this post, I decided to share just a few of the love songs from my own Spotify playlists. They are my favorite songs for different reasons, and it was so hard to narrow down these choices, as I have several favorites! As I chose each one, I took the time to listen to the lyrics of each song. As a poet, I am very drawn to lyrics, and as a lover of music, I am so amazed at songwriters who can put words and music together. Only God can create that kind of talent! We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. Romans 12:6 Share your favorite songs or lyrics in the comments, if you'd like! 

Enjoy the people God has given you to love! Appreciate them, show them love with your actions and your gentle words. Apologize when necessary, forgive often, and do the hard things when it is required of you, because when you act out of love, you become the most powerful force in anyone's life, especially your own. Love is so much stronger than pride! (And that's not just a Sade song.) 

⦁ Love's Divine- Seal

⦁ The Power of Love-Celine Dion

⦁ By Your Side- Tenth Avenue North 

⦁ Have I Told You Lately- Van Morrison

⦁ Your Love Amazes Me-John Berry 

⦁ I'll Still Be Loving You- Restless Heart 

⦁ Someone Like You- Van Morrison

⦁ Bless the Broken Road- Rascal Flatts 

⦁ You Make it Easy- Jason Aldean 

⦁ You Say- Lauren Daigle

⦁ Look at Us- Vince Gill 

⦁ The Way You Look Tonight- Tony Bennett

⦁ I Love the Way You Love Me- John Michael Montgomery  

⦁ You'll Be in My Heart- Phil Collins

⦁ You Love Me Anyway- Sidewalk Prophets 

⦁ I Will Always Love You- Dolly Parton or Whitney Houston 

⦁ Unchained Melody- Righteous Brothers 

⦁ Amazed- Lonestar 

⦁ Fighting For Me- Riley Clemmons

⦁ The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face- Roberta Flack 

⦁ Bridge Over Troubled Water- Simon & Garfunkel

⦁ God Only Knows- for King & Country w/ Dolly Parton 

⦁ Carrying Your Love With Me- George Strait 

⦁ What a Wonderful World- Louis Armstrong

⦁ You Fill Up My Senses- John Denver 

⦁ The Heart of the Matter- Don Henley   

⦁ And So it Goes- Billy Joel 

⦁ Through the Years- Kenny Rogers 

⦁ Everglow- Coldplay 

⦁ A Sky Full of Stars- Coldplay 

⦁ Biblical- Calum Scott

⦁ You Are the Reason- Calum Scott 

⦁ anything with Spanish guitar... Cancion Triste by Jesse Cook is one! 

*You can download the Spotify App for free and listen for free, but with ads.  I am a member, and it makes sense for me, because music and podcasts are part of my daily life, and I don't like the interruptions of ads! 

"There are places I'll remember all my life, though some have changed. Some forever, not for better. Some have gone, and some remain. All these places had their moments with lovers and friends, I still can recall. Some are dead, and some are living. In my life, I've loved them all." The Beatles, "In My Life"

Speaking of Healing

 Nobody wants to show you the hours and hours of becoming. They'd rather show the highlight of what they've become.

Angela Duckworth, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance

As someone who deals with the ups and downs of chronic illness, I also encounter healing and scars. I plow through days, weeks, and sometimes months and years of wondering if I'm ever going to feel like a "normal human". I find the above quote somewhat backwards at times, because as much as we complain about people only showing their "highlight reels" on social media outlets, and therefore, not being "real", (what is real anyway)we do the same thing in our own lives. When someone asks, "How are you doing?" what do I say? "I'm okay, I'm fine," even when I'm not. I don't share what I'm going through because no one really wants to know that, and I don't really feel like explaining anyway! So, if you don't want to know the rough stuff, and you don't want to see the highlights, what exactly is it that you want to see or know? Good question. Maybe go see a movie?

A friend shared this with me, "Speak from your scars not your wounds. Speak from a place of healing, not hurt". -Dr. Caroline Leaf.  I agree with this concept and I know from where it is originating. But what if I'm not quite healed and I am still an open wound?  I think a lot of us are, based on what I'm seeing in the world today. I think what we're experiencing around us is a lot of open wounds bumping up against each other, tossing salt at each other, and then once in awhile, someone says, "Hey, talk about your healing." And we look at them like it's a foreign concept, because it has gone either unacknowledged or unknown by many of us.  

We are still caught up in some turbulent times, and the pandemic added so many levels of misunderstanding to relationships that were already complicated enough. I'm not surprised at all that there are so many of us not knowing how to communicate or even recognize their healing when it does takes place. We have become so used to living in such a downward turn, and voicing all of our complaints and having many forums for it! Dare I say I've even become a little nervous about sharing even my good news, as I've noticed not everyone is happy for your success. It's a weird world-where you tippy toe and still manage to step on land mines! 

When I have experienced healing at all, it sometimes comes with another disappointment. I ask God to take something that hurts away from me, and I already have a picture in my mind of what I want it to look like. I imagine a weight being lifted off my shoulders, and yes, finally- freedom! But just when I think it might happen, some other mountain I must tackle takes its place, or something else shifts, and knocks me off balance again. I believe these are the "hours and hours of becoming". True healing is not linear. It takes so much time, and it sucks up so much emotional energy along with the physical toll on the body. 

There is so much healing that needs to be done within our spiritual and emotional selves that many of us don't even realize. When I was misdiagnosed, I was initially positive about it, but it didn't solve the issue. When someone said to me, "Do you think God healed you?" I was honestly taken aback. I hadn't even thought of that. I am still pondering it. Did God heal me or was I misdiagnosed with a better outcome? And that was just one condition that had changed. 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27 

After experiencing near fainting episodes and failing a simple heart test, I spent nearly 9 months fighting with my insurance company, trying to get the testing I needed to pinpoint whether or not there was something going on with my heart. I had already had an ECG that showed some very disturbing results, and the outcome didn't look favorable. The test was necessary to see if the left side of my heart was failing in some way, but the insurance kept rejecting it four times.  Here's why: Because I'm "ambulatory" (I walk just fine, but not for long periods of time and not quickly, as expected during a stress test), they wanted me to do a regular stress test, however two conditions that I presently have don't allow me to walk briskly on a treadmill without risk of further damage or causing an IC flare. They were told this over and over and kept ignoring it, because I CAN WALK after all. See, you have to have broken legs in order to be non-ambulatory in the eyes of an insurance company.  After my doctor finally called the insurance company on my behalf and got the chemical test (I don't recommend it at all) pushed through for me, the results showed that my heart was functioning 20% higher than the previous ECG had showed, and "possible ischemia" changed to "no ischemia", among other differing results. It was like there were two completely different results. I was so shocked that I didn't know what to think. Were the tests wrong? Did they get me mixed up with a healthy person? 

Why is it that I didn't automatically say, "God did that." Why? Because I'm not miraculously "healed", as I expected my healing to be?  No angel choir? How strong is my faith if I pray and then don't really know how to receive what I asked for?  Are we walking around healed and we don't even know it because God fixes things in us and we still feel broken or we remain where we are? What a thing to think about. Do I have the healing and I just haven't acknowledged it or accepted it because it doesn't look the way I thought it would, or feel the way I thought it would? The tests changed, but I'm still having the problem. So, one problem solved, but the mountain is still there. Like I said, there are emotional and spiritual things in us that need healing too. Hours and hours of them. 

My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Let them not escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh. Proverbs 20-22 ESV

There was a time I would spend three weeks flat on the couch in a terrible flare with interstitial cystitis. I still struggle with flares, but it has been four years since my last month-long horrible flare.  Am I healed? If you were in my body every day, you'd say, "Please let me out!" So, no. My bladder hurts almost every day, and I don't have a "normal" body. But I act as though I can do whatever I want. We are planning on building a cabin on our property, which has been a dream of ours for years. When I talk about it with Steve, I say I'm going to do this and that and then I say, "Oh, listen to me, I forget I have limitations. I forget sometimes that I'm kind of sick." Because in my mind, I'm not and I don't want to be. I can do and will usually try to do whatever I want to do. My coffee mug says so- "I do what I want." I picture myself healed, hauling lumber, using a chain saw, and not being limited by anything! I live the life I want to live, the best way I can. I have adapted the best way I can so I can enjoy my life, and in that way, I am healing. If others with IC were to come to me, I would help them in that way. I would help them manage their stress, remove toxic people ( a must!), and invite God into their healing. But I won't lie when I'm having a bad day, because a bad day is a bad day, and even God knows I can't tell you it's not. But I will tell you it's better with God than without Him. There are ways we hold ourselves back from our own healing. I know that's not what you or I want to hear, but it's true. I ask God to reveal that to me, so that I can be the woman he designed me to be in every way. 

Revealing who I am becoming, and speaking of my healing...yes, I do those things. But I may also speak of my wounds and my illness, and I pray that I will always have those genuine friends and family who will be there to hear me, because I can tell you with certainty that there are people out there who just don't care about other people, sick or not.  There are people who will tell you they care, but they will give up on you when you "become difficult or stressful", and you will need to let them. You can't let anyone's negative behavior become the stress that makes you sicker. A true friend taught me that! 

 When someone is hurting with a chronic physical illness or an emotional one, the most important thing for them is to be HEARD, not always to teach us something from their pain, though we may learn by proximity. Someone is always expecting someone else to be "strong and inspirational" because they've "gone through something." That may be true, but can we just let people BE. God has made all of us in His image, loves us all, and has given us ALL a purpose on this earth. In His time, and with His strength, we will all be able to be used for His glory if we allow it. We are to love and help one another, and not add to the pain and pressure that others face. Let us be a light and a hand to others, realizing that our kindness and presence will always be the balm anyone needs. 

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 

Ephesians 4:32

Chocolate Waffles and Conquering Denise

 One Sunday evening, I was making everyone a fun dessert of chocolate cake waffle sundaes. I can never remember how much batter to pour onto the waffle iron, but of course, I followed the "instructions" and confidently poured 2 cups of chocolate cake batter onto the hot iron and closed the lid. Not even two seconds later, chocolate batter began to ooze out of three sides of the maker and down onto the controls and the countertops. Alarmed, I began commanding it to "Stop it! No! Don't do that! Whoa! No No No!!!" in my most authoritative voice, while also scooping up the oozing batter with a paper towel and a paper plate, and my hands. 

Apparently, my mom thought it was pretty funny, as she "helped" by putting her hysterical face in her hands, but my sidekick Serena jumped in to rescue me as the chocolate river continued to flow. She became my waffle sous chef and advisor, who just kept helping direct the lava and the removal of the cooked waffles.  The addition of Steve's "Lucyyyy..you've got some 'splainin' to doooo" just added to my mom's inability to get ahold of herself. The antics continued, as I momentarily lost my spatula and tongs and could not remove the waffles from the iron when the beeper went off. This created a near collision, as I turned to Steve, reaching into the sink where he had just put them. I guess my yelling, "Where? Where? Why?" and "What the heck?" did little for others to realize I needed assistance with my tool location. Flailing and spinning about helplessly while spewing nonsense was more entertaining, I suppose. 

You would think a little thing like making dessert for my family would be simple. I have actually made this before! But one little slip up caused a chain of ridiculousness that actually ended up being the most fun we had all day.  In case you're wondering, you place those wonderful chocolate waffles on a plate, put a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. Drizzle (more like dump) on some hot fudge sauce, add some whipped cream and some sprinkles. It's so good! Side note, two cups of batter is about one cup too many, but don't take my word for it. Clearly, I don't know what I'm doing. 

As I reflected on this moment later, I thought about how often I do these kinds of silly things and have to humor and finagle my way through them. I wonder if God looks at me like the chocolate ooze and says, "No No NO, Don't do that! Stop it! Whoa!" even as He fixes my problem mercifully. Much like my servant-hearted daughter, Serena, who jumped in without judgment to help save the day, or should I say, the countertop, and maybe my pride? She does have restaurant management experience, and boy, did she show her skills. Me as a chef? Not so much that day. 

I make a lot of mistakes. But I try a lot of things that are probably out of my wheelhouse and sometimes even my energy to do. Before I had restrictions to lift and move furniture, I used to move all kinds of heavy, bulky furniture with no help. When Steve would get home, he would look around and say suspiciously, "What did you DO and how...?" Well, I figured out how to improvise, that's what I did, and I still do! If I want something done, and there's no one around to help me, I figure it out. God must have a good laugh at me now and then, when He sees me cooking up yet another idea or figuring out how to do what seems difficult or impossible at first. I am very determined when I get something in my mind to do.

I don't like relying on other people. I want to fix everything myself! It also annoys me that I have irrational fears that stop me from doing things, like raking unknown piles of leaves, because I just "know" there are snakes in them. I just know it! Ironically, snakes show up right in the middle of a mowed lawn where everyone is parked in lawn chairs visiting too, so some situations just can't be eliminated. I also want to conquer my fear of the chainsaw, but that could be trouble too. I do enjoy (and generally need) all of my attached limbs very much. 

Some mishaps can't be avoided either, and to avoid things like messy waffle explosions would have meant missing out on a kitchen full of laughter.  I haven't laughed about that snake yet, and I probably never will, but life is about turning mishaps and mistakes into memories sometimes. In fact, getting back to that furniture moving reference, I have trapped myself in stairways a few times trying to move large objects that became wedged somehow, and I just had to resolve that I was going to have to live in the basement forever, trapped by an ugly old bookcase. I named her Denise. She isn't the first to trap me and she won't be the last. When I finally wedged her loose and slid her where I wanted her to go, it was cause for celebration. (Cue the Rocky Balboa music) Every moment we persevere, we prove to ourselves that we can keep going even through all the "Denises" in our way. 

Life just isn't that funny on its own. It can be pretty messy and pretty hard and sad sometimes. We all know this feeling. We have to look for our own joy and create our own entertainment, because the world isn't going to give it to us for free. The people who love and support us are going to laugh us through the waffle messes, help us clean them up, or just tease us mercilessly.  Hopefully they'll rid us of the snakes, help us move the heavy stuff, and move us out of the way of things that threaten to crush our spirits.

Our family has had its share of hardships and illness, but one thing we all know how to do well is laugh and joke around, and that has been the secret to our success and our survival. Make the best of it, remember the good times, and laugh when you can. Life isn't funny, but we can always find a reason to smile. 

Goodbye "Happiness"

 I was awake much of the night last night, and in my wakeful ponderings, I arrived at this thought-should I continue with my Happy Alphabet Project on my blog? As many others on social media do, I check my stats to see what posts people may be more drawn to, and my alphabet posts are not, shall we say, the most popular kid in school. I say it with a smile, as I am not out for clicks and popularity, but I do want to try to give people what they are looking for. All writers want to give readers what they want, just as anyone who produces any kind of material; it's not just for us-it's for the people we produce it for. It's kind of an odd place to be-as I may be passionate about writing about squirrels, but if no one cares about the bushy-tailed monsters, then who am I writing it for? I may as well just write about squirrels in my personal journal. 

 When I first began this blog, it was like a personal journal of the daily happenings of my life as a mom, and that's what drew certain people to it in the first place. I am a fairly reserved, private person until I allow you in, and it takes a really long time for me to do that. It's just who I am. I believe that there were people who wanted to get to know me a little better, and learned about me through my blog. They then approached me, and we were able to become friends through my weekly blog. I get to know myself better through my writing, too, and I sometimes work out a lot of things going on in my mind through this style of writing. Trust me when I say I sometimes go back and delete what I've written and I always wish I could say so much more, and not about squirrels!

So what about the "Happiness Project", and what should I do? The letter this week was "G", and I was going to focus on the word "grateful" or "gratitude", as I do believe that we can only be happy when we are grateful, and we are quite unhappy when we are not. I also believe humble people are happier, people who have healthy interests are happier, and people who share joy are happier. Kindness leads to happiness, loving people makes us happy, being merciful instead of judgmental, appreciating the beauty and creations in nature, and those who are optimistic and temper their sharp opinions-yes, happier. Patient people, Quick to help others, resilient, sharing what they have with others, thoughtful-knowing it's not always about US. Understanding, people with a vision and a goal, people who seek and have wisdom, a xenophile: one who is respectable to foreigners and strangers (affable, warm, genial), young-at-heart (needs no explanation!), and lastly, and perhaps my favorite, zip-it!  My mentor, Norm has said this phrase to me a few times when I bring up things about my life and I'm tempted to say something and he thinks it's best that I keep my trap SHUT.  He has been 100% right every time. Yes, having control of the tongue will lead to happiness, because we won't cause a big mess when we say all the wrong things. Zip it. Thank you, Norm Sawyer. 

Okay, so the decision has been made, evidently, and I'm moving on from the project. I will return to the work on the book I am working on with the Zip-It Master himself, Norm Sawyer, and I hope to have news on that release soon. Normally I would not speak of it until it is finished, but this is called lighting a fire under my seat, if you know what I mean. 

I truly hope you all have a HAPPY 2023!